Home Economics (2021) s03e07 Episode Script

We got sunscreen. We got water.
We got toys for the twins.
You guys are officially
playground-ready.
Why can't we just hang out here?
Because you need to connect with nature
and get some fresh air.
And, also, we're not
giving you a choice.
But we're too old for the playground.
Yeah. It's humiliating.
I'll give you guys 20 bucks each
- if you go right now.
- Yes.
- I can work with that.
- Awesome.
- Sweet.
- This doesn't make it okay.
Wait, you forgot the twins.
Much respect, Kelvin.
- Well-played.
- Pleasure doing business
- with you.
- Kids are gone.
Unfortunately for you,
that was the easy part.
Oh, are you sure you don't want to stay?
To help you tell your dad
about his secret love child
who tracked you down and is desperate
to connect with her long-lost father?
No.
But I put out two kinds of hummus.
Oh, honey, there isn't
enough hummus in the world.
Hey, can I go with you guys?
- Connor.
- Why do we have to tell him?
Harmony said it would be
better coming from us.
Yeah, come on, man.
It's the right thing to do.
I mean, she is our half-sister.
True. But she's also
half not our sister.
And I'm thinking
maybe we focus on that half.
Denial is not gonna make this go away.
Okay, I'm not in denial.
I just don't want to acknowledge
that this is actually happening.
You guys better go.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
It's Marshall.
Oh, that's Dad. He's early.
- Go, go, go.
- No, go under the
Sorry, guys, forgot my phone.
I won't ask any questions for a price.
Bleeding me dry.
- I'm proud of you, man.
- Thank you.
Oof. Okay. Good dry run.
Now it's time for the real thing.
Marina, we will text you
when we're done.
Oh, they're long gone.
You know what?
I think I just gave Kelvin 400 bucks.
I don't like this.
Dad's gonna walk in all excited
because we told him we want
to get into model trains,
- and then boom, secret baby.
- Look, man,
it's the only thing
I could think to tell Dad
where Mom wouldn't want to come too.
And we are not ready
for Mom to find out.
Yeah. And technically
we're starting with trains.
I don't want to do that either.
Look, guys,
this is gonna be awkward, okay?
It's hard to know what to say
in a situation like this.
Lucky for us,
we got a writer in the family.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, I don't like
- where this is going.
- Boom!
I scripted the entire conversation.
Oh, I don't like where it went.
- Enter Sarah, 36, emotional.
- Tom!
Yes! Perfect. Exactly like that.
No, this is dumb.
You can't script something like this.
All right? You guys do your thing.
I'm gonna go sit in a corner
And say as little as possible.
Page two.
- Whoa, spooky.
- Okay, well, did you predict
me throwing my script in the trash?
'Cause that's what I'm doing.
Oh, come on, Connor.
I gave you all the best jokes.
Tom, we do not need a script, okay?
Not when we have someone here
who can lead an open, honest,
sometimes painful dialogue.
Ooh, I don't like where this is going.
I am a professional therapist
with years of experience.
Yeah, but you can't be
professional about this.
Sarah, you melt down
at the slightest family drama.
- That's not true.
- Uh
I thought "Mr. Holland's Opus"
was a little long.
Well, I thought it was luminous.
Stop fighting!
You're tearing me apart!
I was a kid.
I thought I was gonna marry Lance Bass.
- People change.
- Look what you made me do.
I'm stress-eating cheesy poufs
from a tub.
No, don't look away.
This is on you, man.
"There is a knock at the door."
Well, hey there, junior conductors.
- Oh, you're wearing a hat.
- Choo-choo.
Yeah. And guess who decided
to hop on the Hayworth Express.
Good morning!
Or should is say, "Tickets, please!"
Is that in your script?
I appreciate you helping us
redecorate the apartment.
We lost so much during the flood.
As your friend,
my heart goes out to you.
As your designer,
it's probably for the best.
- What?
- There was a lot of hemp.
Oh, hey, Min.
Uh, Denise. How's my favorite tenant?
So happy to be back.
And thank you
for all the repairs you made.
Anything for you and Sarah
and those adorable kids of yours
The, uh the boy and the girl.
Kelvin and Shamiah.
Not ringing a bell.
So what are we thinking?
Oh, we're wide open.
But we can't make any major changes
and we can't buy anything.
So paint. Love it.
Huh. What's going on here?
Oh, sorry. Had to plug in the mixer.
I am making cookies
for Heather upstairs.
She just broke up with her boyfriend.
She loves toxic men
just as much as she loves
my oatmeal raisin.
No, uh, why is there an extension cord?
Well, they covered
the kitchen outlets with drywall.
So we had to run a cord
from the bathroom
because the living room outlets
are all full.
- But it's fine.
- But what if you want
to close the bathroom door?
Oh, then it's a whole thing.
Denise, this is not fine.
You should ask your landlord to fix it.
- She seemed nice.
- She's landlord nice,
not friend nice.
I don't want to push it.
It's not pushing it. She likes you.
Just turn on that Denise charm.
It would be good
to make a piece of toast
- while someone's peeing.
- That's the dream.
What are we gonna do?
We were supposed to tell Dad
about Harmony
so that he could tell Mom about Harmony.
Far away from here.
I don't know. What does your script say?
Well, there's some killer back-and-forth
between you and me.
And I gave Connor
this Sorkin-level monologue
about how he looks up to me
as a big brother,
but I didn't expect Mom to show up.
We just have to get her out of here.
So follow my lead.
Mom, definitely did not expect
to see you today.
But now that she's here,
we're just trainin' it up.
You know? Just five grown people
talking about trains and nothing else.
Yeah, it's just I always thought
that you hated this stuff.
You know, you called
the model train store
the "creepo depot."
Well, that's before I heard this podcast
about keeping the spark alive
in your marriage.
You've heard of podcasts?
They're like radio shows for your phone.
Yeah, I'll have to check those out.
Well, this one said
that partners should take
an interest in each other's hobbies.
So I've made my peace with trains,
and Marshall is watching musicals.
Who knew Alexander Hamilton
was a rapper?
Right.
Um, well, the the kids
are at the park.
Yeah, uh, maybe you want
to go hang out with them.
- That'd be fun.
- Oh, well
- I didn't bring my sun hat.
- Mm.
Well, guess you just gotta
hang here with us.
So, Dad, you were telling me about coal.
The train the train eats it, yeah?
You know, that's too bad,
because the kids were saying
that they were gonna put on a musical
and that they needed a director
or something.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Well, luckily I do have
my director's hat.
That's one I never take off.
Marshall?
Yeah, no, no, you go ahead, honey.
I think I can conduct
myself here without you.
Thanks, sweetie.
So when the contractors
put up the new wall,
I think they may have covered
the outlets or something.
I'm sure it was an accident.
I mean, there were four
and now there's zero
which is less.
And that would totally
not even be a big deal
but that's where we get our electricity.
And that is very helpful
in this modern world of ours.
- It was always like that.
- What?
I'm sorry, a-a kitchen without outlets?
- Yeah.
- I mean
I don't know.
Maybe there weren't four,
but I do remember at least some.
No, it was always like that.
You've been away for so long,
you probably don't remember.
Well, I-I was living here
- for several years before then.
- You're just confused.
I have to get back to scraping gum.
Okay. Well, thank you.
Always happy to help.
What was that? "Okay. Well, thanks."
Marina, it's a delicate dance.
She says no.
I make her cookies every week.
In six months, she puts in one outlet.
And then I bide my time, make her a pie,
and then she puts in two.
That's how you deal with a landlord.
She's taking advantage of you.
Now you get it.
We can't go through with this.
He's the happiest he's ever been.
No, we promised Harmony we would.
Don't worry. I got my part memorized.
You are not leading this. Okay?
- I am a therapist.
- I am so glad
that you are ready to take up
the great American hobby.
Dad, we need to
We need to talk to you about something.
And, uh, it's not gonna be
easy to hear.
Um
Sometimes people make mistakes
in their past.
And, uh, those mistakes have
ripples in the future.
And those ripples have ripples
Sorry, one second. I'm sorry.
I just need one second. I'm sorry.
Called it. Page five.
Yeah, trains make people emotional.
I get it.
Let me just, uh
"Dad, I know you thought"
All right.
Dad, I know you thought today
was gonna be about trains.
But we're gonna take you
on a different kind of ride
An emotional one.
Okay, I'm back.
That was just, um,
bringing up some feelings for me.
But you know what they say,
you have to feel them
before you can heal them.
Ugh, that's actually a good line.
Dad, we really need to talk to you.
Can you put the trains down, please?
I know what's happening.
You didn't invite me over here
to talk about belt lines
and knuckle couplers.
You invited me over
for an intervention.
W-wait, you know about the
Just a matter of time
before you found out.
I feel terrible about it.
I've been holding this for so long.
All right, truth is, I lost $4,200.
But I really thought
Gordon Ramsay wanted me
to invest in his restaurant.
- Huh?
- Wait, what?
Yeah. Turned out not to be Gordon Ramsay
even though the email had
Gordon Ramsay's photo
and it was from
GordonRamsay@LegitFoodBiz.com.
Dad, are you telling me
you invested
without talking to me first?
- Connor.
- What?
I should not have given him
my credit card info.
You know, on the phone
he didn't even sound
like Gordon Ramsay.
He had this foreign accent,
it was like, um
No. Don't-don't do
- Don't do the accent.
- Look, Dad,
we brought you here today
to talk about your affair.
My affair?
Tommy, your mother and I
are way past that.
That is ancient history.
Well, it's actually not that ancient.
You know, in Walt Whitman's
"Song of the Open Road,"
- he said
- Tom, you are not helping.
You're not helping by interrupting.
Enough with your script.
Just let me do this.
- No. You're too emotional.
- You're not emotional enough.
I get emotional on page eight!
Dad, you have a secret love child
from your affair.
And her name is Harmony.
And we met her and she's your daughter.
- You all right there?
- I thought I could hold it,
but I cannot.
All right. I've seen enough.
Ugh, that's a lot of gum.
Ugh, the devil's toothpaste.
I hear that. So true.
Anyway, um, I'm-I'm helping Denise
decorate her apartment,
and you know what would be
super helpful?
I have a feeling
you're going to tell me.
To get those kitchen outlets back.
It was always like that.
Okay, but we know it wasn't.
- It was.
- But it wasn't.
I know that because
California code states
that each room has to have
two working outlets.
Oh, you're an expert on California law.
Well, I'm an attorney.
Denise called a lawyer?
Well, no, she didn't call me exactly.
Wait. Hey, hold on.
Hey, please she's peeing.
You called a lawyer on me?
- What? No.
- Nope, nope.
No one called a lawyer.
It was just, uh, two folks talking.
About the California building code?
And gum. We were talking about gum.
Min, this is my sister-in-law/designer
not my lawyer.
Oh, if you want to talk code,
let's talk code.
Was that always there?
We put that loft up years ago.
You've seen it plenty of times.
Oh, I don't think so.
Because if I had seen it,
I would have told you
it's definitely against code.
That's the only thing that makes
this place big enough
for a family of four.
Sounds like it's time to make some cuts.
She should be a lawyer.
Marina.
Yeah.
Wow.
- I have a daughter.
- Well t-two daughters.
This must have been a burden for you
and for her. I mean, to grow up
wondering where she came from.
- What's she like?
- She's not hot.
I don't think.
Yeah, definitely no attraction there.
She's actually pretty cool.
She's a biologist.
She works for the
National Parks in Colorado.
A scientist like me?
And she wants to meet you.
Oh, I want to meet her, too.
I mean, we have a whole
lifetime to catch up on.
Dad, you are processing this so well.
I mean, I really hope
that Mom handles it this well
- when you tell her.
- Tell your mother?
We're taking this to the grave.
- Dad!
- What?
- Dad, you have to tell her.
- She would lose it.
This is not in the script.
I know we shouldn't have told him.
Told him what?
- Mom!
- Oh, hey.
- You're back!
- You just keep popping up,
don't you?
I needed some tea for my throat.
I am carrying all of the singing.
These kids barely know
the lyrics to "Funny Girl."
Dad, you cannot keep this from Mom.
Look, you guys were little
when she found out about the affair.
You do not remember how hard it was.
I'm with Dad.
Secrets should stay secrets.
That's why they're called secrets.
That makes no sense.
Dad, are you really gonna lie to Mom
for the rest of your life?
That's what's on the table.
But this isn't just about us.
It's about Harmony.
How are you supposed to have
a relationship with her
if you can't be open?
Tell you what, give me a tight ten.
I'm gonna whip up a whole new draft.
- Tom.
- Okay, look.
I will tell your mother eventually,
but not here and not now.
You know what? He's right.
This is something that needs to be done
thoughtfully and planned out.
I found a script in the trash.
"We're going to take you
on a different kind of ride."
- No, no, no, no.
- "An emotional one."
- Mom, give me the
- Don't you touch
Well, thanks, Marina.
Now I have to take down the loft.
I'm sorry.
Thinly-veiled legal threats
usually work.
It's my move.
You made our tiny place
even less livable
which I thought was impossible.
Maybe this is a good opportunity
to look for someplace bigger.
I could help you.
Do you know how hard it is to find
a rent-controlled apartment?
All the tenants here have issues
but we put up with it
because we can't afford anywhere else.
How do you know they have issues?
Because they tell me.
Heather has a window that won't open.
Nigel has a window that won't close.
And Chris' window is fine,
but he has a lizard
in his garbage disposal.
And it eats his trash,
but, I mean, come one, sink lizard?
You know a lot about your neighbors.
Because I'm nice
and I give them cookies.
You give them cookies
because you're nice.
And because you're nice,
they tell you about their sink lizards.
Where you going with this, counselor?
That's not for you.
If it's a script, it's for me.
It has some wonderful dialogue.
Oh, well, I guess
I kind of have an ear for it.
Oh. I saw all your names.
Is it a stage play based on your book?
Yep. That's exactly what it is.
Wow.
I see either me or Patti LuPone for me.
It's not a play.
It's a script for
a very difficult conversation
- that we had with Dad.
- Sarah
Let's just rip the Band-Aid off.
Yeah. Let's.
We had to talk to Dad
about being scammed
by fake Gordon Ramsay.
- You did what?
- Connor.
What, she didn't know
about that one either?
How much money this time?
Well, uh, just don't worry about it.
Wait a second, "this time"?
He thought he was playing
Words With Friends
with Owen Wilson.
Who needed $4,200 to make a movie.
- Oh, my God.
- It wasn't Owen Wilson.
Enough with the lies!
Mom, it was about the affair.
- No, it's not.
- The affair?
- What are we talking about?
- Me
and Marina. I know.
It's sad. You just
You never see these things coming.
I knew it.
She was always a reach for you, Tom.
Wait a second, w
Why do you assume
she's the one who cheated?
Tom, you're wearing a shirt
about punctuation.
Everybody just listen to me, okay?
I am a professional therapist.
- What is going on?
- Okay.
Stand down, kids.
Mur, I've got something to tell you.
So let's go outside.
Thank you.
But no cookie will change my mind
about that loft.
Especially not oatmeal raisin.
Ah. Everyone else in the building
seemed to like them.
And it's funny,
when I was delivering them,
a lot of the tenants were talking
about issues they were having
in their apartments
and how resistant you were
to fixing them.
Oh, it's a very old building.
- And all the units
- Have always been like that.
- Mm.
- It's funny how that works.
Yeah, so while they were talking,
all of the neighbors decided
that since Denise is so friendly,
she should head up a-a tenants' union.
- A union?
- Yeah.
It's so hard for us to get
things fixed individually.
But that's the beauty of a union
There are a lot of us
with a lot of problems.
And if the problems don't get fixed,
then the The tenants can always go
on a rent strike.
I know that as a lawyer.
- Oh, be careful.
- Are you threatening me?
No, I just want you to watch out
for the extension cord.
It can be a bit of a hazard.
You know what?
I am going to get those outlets fixed.
Aw. And the loft?
It was always like that.
- We did it!
- We sure did.
I feel so happy and and sick.
Yeah, I think we ate
a whole stick of butter.
I'm gonna go lay down.
I just peeked out the window.
- Okay?
- How bad is it?
They look really sad.
But then at one point Mom was laughing.
And I'm not a great lip-reader,
but I think Dad might have said,
"I'm taking up the clarinet,
Mr. President."
- Really? Not a not a great
- Yeah.
- Lip-reader.
- Yeah, I don't think
- that was said.
- You know, we were so focused
on the best way to tell them
or not tell them.
But this was gonna be messy regardless.
I'm sorry for trying
to script everything out.
I think it was my way
of controlling the situation.
Well, I'm sorry I'm a bad therapist
- to my own family.
- Yeah.
I'm not sorry for anything.
Okay, I was in denial or whatever.
Mom. You okay?
Well, this wasn't what I was expecting
when you invited us over
to talk about model trains.
Technically, we only invited Dad, so
Your father and I are divorcing
Oh.
Our feelings on this matter
from the facts we have to deal with.
Okay, so you're not getting a divorce?
No, but I can see
how you would think that
since she said the word "divorce."
Yeah, we've been through a lot together.
- Yeah.
- I mean, I've been more angry
at this man than you can imagine.
And that anger
never completely goes away.
So We are separating
- Oh, man.
- Oh.
The past from the present
so that we can move on.
Okay, why?
- Again?
- Why do you keep doing that?
If this girl wants to be
a part of our family,
we'll figure it out.
She's not responsible for any of this.
- No.
- Thanks, Mom.
And, uh, her name is Harmony.
I'm not ready for names yet, Sarah.
- Okay.
- And I am sorry
that my past mistakes have continued
to create difficulty for you
and for all of you.
Every marriage has its hiccups.
Lord knows I'm not perfect.
Who is?
Wait, what do you mean?
One time at your office Christmas party
I had too much eggnog
and I told Jerry Donahue
he had a beautiful rear end.
- Oh, my God.
- You did what?
You had a secret child.
- Yeah, but Jerry Donahue?
- I didn't have his baby.
- Yeah, so think they're good?
- Jerry Donahue?
Yeah, everything seems to be
back to normal.
It was a nice ass, okay?
Okay. Let's get them out of here.
How much eggnog did you have that night?
That's none of your business.
So it sounds like Marshall and Muriel
- are gonna be okay.
- Yup.
That's what Hayworth marriages
are all about,
looking past your partner's flaws,
glaring as they may be.
Here comes the mail car. Mail's here!
Ah, the 4:15 from Abilene.
Right on time.
We got sheep crossing.
Let's shut those gates.
Thank you. This might take a while.
Watch your wool, sheep.
We gotta get this grain to Topeka.
Choo-choo!
"Dad, I know you thought
this day would be about trains.
"But we are going to take you
on a different kind of ride,
- an emotional one."
- "What do you mean, son?"
"Dad, as a therapist,
"I would normally step in here.
But Tom clearly has this handled."
"You know what? You guys do your thing.
"I'm just gonna sit in the corner
and say as little as possible."
How long is this?
At least your character has lines.
Sarah just cries
for the rest of the play.
What do you expect from a script
- we found in the trash?
- Hey.
What are you kids doing out here?
- Nothing.
- Okay.
- How's it sounding?
- It's a lot of fun.
You're a great writer.
Still playing with it, but yeah.
Nice job, Daddy.
Ah, well, thanks, guys.
I guess now that I'm out here,
let's, uh Let's take it from the top.
Gretchen, if you don't mind,
I always saw
your character as coming in
from stage left.
So, honey, stage left is this way. Okay.
And, uh, if you could be
on your feet for this
Yeah, you. And you stay down.
Are you guys off book?