iCarly (2021) s03e07 Episode Script
iGo to Toledo
1
♪
(CHEERING)
Okay, Danica, spill the beans.
Where are we going for my
bachelorette party, hmm?
Burlesque seafood buffet in Reno?
The theme was going to
be "Trapped in a Mine."
You know, because marriage is a trap.
But Carly vetoed my idea
without so much as a petite rendezvous.
We are going to
Ohio!
I said
Ohio!
We heard you.
Wait. Are we gonna be
on my favorite TV show
Toledo House Flip?
No.
But we are going to
the "Party Like They Do
on Toledo House Flip Experience."
You know how gals go to New York
to do the Sex and the City tours?
So, it's gonna be exactly like
that, except we're going to be
"remodeling" a house in the Midwest.
We're gonna have so much fun.
Placing succulents in corners,
and choosing between zebra
and giraffe wallpaper.
And screwing in Edison light
bulbs while drinking mimosas.
So you changed the
entire weekend on a whim?
Classic Carly.
Don't worry. I approved Carly's
itinerary, which means a lot
because I'm the queen
of bachelorette parties.
You've been a maid of honor before?
14 times. All featured in
Bachelorette Party magazine.
Self-published.
Hey. Did you tell her?
Did you tell her? Did she freak out?
Did she flip?
Yoo-hoo, Freddie, a word?
Hey, um, question.
When you hear "Classic Carly"
Oh, no. My mom said "Classic Carly"?
Why, what does it mean?
My mom kind of thinks that you're
impulsive, unreliable,
disrespectful to elders,
and prone to hijacking a weekend.
Is that all?
No. She also thinks
you have poor posture.
But that's all.
I am going to prove to her this weekend
that I am respectful, reliable,
and that I can stand up straight.
God, my spine burns.
Don't worry, okay? She's gonna love it.
Have fun. I love you.
And I love you, Millicent.
- Millicent?
- Bye.
Fredward, I just
Bye, Danica.
- Take care, Harps.
- Oh.
And now a goodbye to the one
I'm going to miss the most
Ooh.
Carly.
(LAUGHING)
Sorry, what did you
want to tell me, Mom?
I don't recall.
Then it must not have
been important. (CHUCKLES)
See ya, Mama. Hang loose.
Hang looser.
(SIGHS)
Classic Carly.
I know ♪
You see ♪
Somehow the world will change for me ♪
And be so wonderful ♪
So wake up the members of my nation ♪
It's your time to be ♪
There's no chance
unless you take one ♪
And the time to see
the brighter side ♪
Of every situation ♪
Some things are meant to be ♪
So give your best and
leave the rest to me. ♪
♪
How fun is flying Southwest?
You never know where you're gonna sit.
And yet somehow I ended up next to you.
Is this a murder house?
(ALL SCREAM)
(SINGSONGY): There
was never a conviction.
Hi. So, the brochure made
it seem less, um, meth-y?
And I'm very dependable,
so I wouldn't have
booked something meth-y.
You're saying meth a lot.
Let me see your teeth.
Welcome, ladies.
I'm Emily Haines, and
I'm honored you booked
the "Party Like They Do on
Toledo House Flip Experience."
Rehabbing a home is good for the soul.
Talk to Carly about rehab,
she's the one who's
babbling on about meth.
This is the bride, Marissa.
I'm the maid of honor.
One would think I would've been the one
to pick what we're doing this weekend,
but one would be wrong.
Now, I just need one member of the group
to sign here so we can get started.
I know it's called "Party Like
They Do on Toledo House Flip,"
but it's strange because it seems like
we're about to be doing actual labor?
Relax, it's all part of the experience.
Plus, you get to wear jumpsuits!
Oh, good.
Manual labor and you're
making it harder for me to pee.
Never underestimate the power
of women in pink jumpsuits.
Amen.
Now, hand over your phones.
When we unplug from the world,
we plug in with each other.
Ooh, plug language.
I definitely want to plug in with y'all.
So, hand them over, ladies.
Where we're going, we don't need phones.
It's weird. For someone
so claustrophobic,
you sure do enjoy invading
others' personal space.
♪
4.2% ABV?
Well, I guess it is a Saturday.
Oh!
- Aah!
- Lewbert.
What the hell are you doing?
Well, Marissa said you'd
throw me a bachelor party.
Didn't she tell you?
(SIGHS) I think she tried to.
What's in the growler?
Oh, a family recipe:
Lewb Juice.
It's a delicious libation and
a darn strong foot exfoliant.
Shall I pour?
That's gross and I don't want to do this
and I'm mad at my mom now.
Okay. You know,
Marissa said your unreliable
girlfriend would rub off on you.
Classic Carly.
Wait. Fine. I'll give you a party.
Who do you want me to invite?
(GRUNTING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Hey, man, you busy?
No, what's up?
Apparently, my mom promised Lewbert
I would throw him a
bachelor party tonight.
Oh, hey, hey, can I invite Paul?
He seems like somebody I can
pretend to like IPAs with.
Yeah, sure, he's an
additional human male.
In five, four, three
This is The Paul Show, and I am Paul ♪
(PHONE RINGING)
Damn it, when is it my turn?
You've got Paul, manager,
impresario, size 15 shoe.
Oh, yeah, we're gonna be friends.
Oh, hey, what's up,
man? It's Spencer Shay.
Uh, yeah, I was just wondering,
uh, you into bachelor parties?
Oh, I'm not into bachelor parties.
I'm the king of bachelor parties.
How soon can you be in my apartment?
Oh, an hour. I-I'm upstairs
but I got to go home and get my poppers.
Zut alors.
I didn't realize this
would be so physical.
It's not so bad.
Normally, people pay $50
to do hungover Pilates.
This is just like that,
only with more tetanus.
If I get tetanus, can I sit down?
You know what? Let's play a game.
And the name of the game
that I'm about to say is
"Truth or Hammer!"
Oh, yes. The famous party
game that everyone knows.
Truth or Hammer is a very
real game that exists
where we go around and ask each
other penetrating questions.
And if anyone doesn't want to answer,
then it's hammer time. (LAUGHS)
Wow, that actually kind of made sense.
And as Bachelorette Party Tsarina,
I brought Mrs. B's favorite
libation. Grenadine!
(CHEERING)
Shots! Shots! Non-alcoholic shots!
Wow, is this party iconic or what?
Danica, have you ever flirted
with a man you knew was taken?
Oui oui. But the French
never kiss and tell.
You're from Idaho.
I guess it's hammer time.
(CHEERING)
(CHEERING)
Okay. Harper!
Who is your best kiss?
Ooh, you want me to choose
between 100 lies 300 people?
It's hammer time!
(CHEERING)
(CHEERING)
Okay, Carly's turn.
What's the most romantic
place you've been with Freddie?
- (GROWLS)
- Ooh.
Oh. I know where it's going to be.
(SNARLS)
Freddie's taking me
on a two-day cruise
(GROWLS)
to Jamaica
(YELLS)
on the second Sunday in May.
Mother's Day weekend?!
(SCREAMING)
Why wasn't I invited?
Because that would be weird.
Oh, no. Not weird.
No, that's so normal.
Come with, girlfriend.
We can even set up a cot in the cabin.
- (GROWLS)
- That I will be sleeping on.
Marissa, let's put down the hammer.
You're not storming the Bastille.
I want to go home.
(SOBBING)
Well, you tried, Carly.
Poorly, but you tried.
Ah, stay the course.
This is a part of every
bachelorette party:
the bride must cry
for no rhyme or reason.
You're doing great, sweetie.
Screw this party.
I just wanted Mrs. B to like me.
Ladies, let's go.
Oh, hey, girl.
(SCREAMS)
Where do you think you're going?
You're trapped.
- Trapped?
- Perhaps I was being a dot dramatic.
You can leave anytime.
Once the house is flipped.
It's all explained here.
That waiver? But none of
us signed it except Carly.
She signed for your
entire group unilaterally.
- Classic Carly.
- Classic Carly.
So now I'm what?
Someone who signs waivers
on behalf of a group?
Yup.
It's not a waiver.
It's an employment contract.
And that HGTV B-I-T-C-H has our phones.
I say we smash that case.
EMILY: Go ahead.
My fiancé made this lockbox,
and he designed the
deathtraps for the movie Saw.
Ladies, you're just
contracted construction workers
until the home is done. Simple pimple.
This contract doesn't
include a minor's permit.
I'm well-versed in
Ohio's child labor laws.
Guess that makes you my co-captain.
You up for delineating tasks
while drinking cold
sparkling apple cider?
Keep the meaningless title.
I accept the power and the juice.
How long will this take?
I left my mouse Julien with
a bowl of food and a note.
That mouse is dead.
I had a party flip a house in two days.
Well, a 500-square-foot studio.
Never underestimate the power
of women in pink jumpsuits.
Don't worry, we've got this.
Because we, including me,
are dependable, decisive,
straight-spined gals.
Oh, has anyone been
up to the second floor?
ALL: There's a second floor?
Oh, I can't believe you went
to all this trouble for me.
Well, a boy's best friend is his mother.
By the way, have you heard from her?
Oh, not a peep.
Although, sometimes Marissa
pretends to go missing.
It's sort of an elaborate
psychosexual prank. You see
Now! For the love of God, now!
♪
Lock the doors and lower the blinds!
It's bachelor party time!
(WHOOPING)
Oh, it's happening! I'm the bachie!
ALL (CHANTING): Bachie! Bachie! Bachie!
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
(YELLING)
All my friends are here!
Best bachelor party ever!
(CHEERING)
So
what's next?
Next?
This is the thing.
Or
Lewb Juice?
So, it's a drink and a foot exfoliant?
You know, I thought Lewb
Juice would taste terrible
because the name, like
Lewbert, is disgusting.
- Lewbert is disgusting.
- Yeah.
You are disgusting.
Does Lewb Juice make you mean?
No, it just makes you honest.
Dissolves the skin off your feet
and the filter off your brain.
Go ahead, try to lie.
I like Ben Affleck's back
tattoo. I think it's hip.
(GASPS)
That's incredible.
I wish you weren't marrying my mother.
I wish you weren't her son.
Sometimes I wonder how far
I can take this lovable goofball thing.
Will I ever have to grow up?
If I did, I'd want to be like you.
Please, you're the cool
one, Captain Charisma.
Oh.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, my God, no.
Is it that bitch Trina
from poison control?
She said I could still drink Lewb Juice
as long as I didn't sell it!
Guys, this is an
emergency. We got to go.
- Oh, God!
- My feet!
- My feet!
- It burns!
I have friends.
(GROANING)
Carly, you really know how
to plan a bachelorette party.
Danica, when you're done
with the wall, paint my nails.
(SOBBING)
Hey, hey.
At least the hard hats are pink.
(WHIRRING)
Okay, ladies, quick vibe check.
The vibe? It's giving "hostage."
Then it's time for Stockholm
Syndrome because I'm thinking
Scandinavian modern for these floors.
Then we need to go over a
long list of other changes.
Ugh, changes? Why can't
things just stay the same?
Same house, same walls,
same little boy who kisses me
on the cheek before anyone
else when saying goodbye!
Oh, this is about Freddie.
Who's Freddie again?
It's Carly's boyfriend
and Millicent's dad.
He was my son first!
(YELLS)
- Mrs. B, wait!
- No, no.
This is a part of it.
Phase one, shots. Phase two,
the bride wants to leave.
Phase three, the coolest person
at the party calms everyone down.
That's what's currently happening.
MRS. BENSON: Screw you, ladies!
(CACKLING)
Mrs. Benson, where are you?
You're kind of freaking us out.
- (STAPLE GUN CLACKING)
- I'm in the walls, suckas!
This is not a known phase.
I can't sell this house
with a woman in the wall.
That's a $20,000 markdown.
Wait, I thought you
were an event planner.
You're also the realtor?
Damn, girl, you got
capitalism figured out.
If any of you ever want to leave,
you better get her out of there.
Now it looks like we're
talking to something
and not an actual wall.
Mrs. B, I know you can hear me.
MRS. BENSON: I can't hear you, Carly.
We have to get you out of there.
Leave me be. This is my safe space.
Do most safe spaces have asbestos?
- Hey.
- We're here!
You came to rescue us?
Yes, we did.
Like four gallant kni-aah!
(SCREAMING)
What in God's name is happening?
We've been drinking Lewb Juice.
It's a foot exfoliant,
which is why we can't walk.
It's also a truth serum,
which is why I want one
of those jumpsuits in an XL
so I can feel like I belong.
Oh!
Where's my mom?
Funny story, actually.
Um, your mother hates me
and this weekend so much
that she is in the walls.
Classic Mommy.
All right, I'll get her out.
(YELLS)
(SOBBING) I can't do this.
Well, then I have no choice.
Mrs. Benson, I'm coming for you!
You can depend on me!
MRS. BENSON: I can hear you slouching.
Oh, the crawlspace.
Carly, your claustrophobia.
Grease up my shoulders, I am going in.
(HYPERVENTILATING)
Come to Toledo, get
together, flip a house,
have a few laughs
Bruce Willis, you
damn national treasure,
how the hell did you
make it look so easy?
(MOANING)
Aah!
Oh, yippee-ki-yay, Freddie's mother.
Thank God you're okay!
Oh, look. I went into my safe space,
and you ran in and took over.
Classic Carly.
Enough.
We both love Freddie so much.
We should be on the same team.
Freddie and I were a team.
But ever since you showed up,
it's like he put me on the bench.
I hate sports.
I never really looked at it that way.
(LOUD THUMPING)
Carly, that's so loud.
Marissa! I will get you out of there!
I see a saw.
Could someone saw off my feet?!
How did you guys find us?
I texted Dad.
When Emily wasn't looking, I
took a crack at her lockbox.
The code was 1234.
Simple pimple indeed.
Wait, you got to our phones?
I could've called Julien
and told him how to
get a bottle of water.
Don't challenge my methods.
I'm the hero.
I'm the real hero!
I bet you hate me now more than ever.
I don't hate you, Carly.
I just hate change, especially
when it comes to Freddie.
Also, I truly hate your posture.
But I can't believe you
crawled into the wall for me.
Both because of your claustrophobia
and your obvious character flaws.
Of course I did. I love Team Benson.
And I'm always going to be
your biggest cheerleader.
And maybe someday,
I'll be a Benson, too.
- Mm.
- Sorry.
Yeah, I-I shouldn't have said that.
Could you just keep that between us?
What happens in the
wall stays in the wall.
But if you think he's
marrying Little Miss Scoliosis,
you've had a bit too much grenadine.
Yeah, let's get out of here.
I think we've had enough truth.
How about some hammer?
(GRUNTING)
Here's Mommy!
(CRASHING)
Hey!
Your girlfriend faced her
worst fears to rescue me.
Classic Carly.
Oh, my favorite girls, get in here.
Carly, Mom, Millicent!
I'm a'ight.
Well, ladies,
this house looks even
worse than when you started.
I'm glad you found a
passel of men to help,
because at the pace you're going,
you'll be in Ohio for months
to fulfill the terms of your contract.
I'd like to talk about your little
employment contract.
Oh, snap, it's his lawyer voice.
I perused your contract
and it fails to address
the fact that Ohio is an
at-will employment state.
- But they signed
- Which means
an employee may quit their
job at any time for any reason.
Regardless of a contact.
Tell her, Pop Pop.
So, unless you'd like to face
charges of kidnapping, fraud,
then I suggest you
refund these ladies' money
and never speak of this again.
(YELPS)
(CHEERING)
Yeah!
The bride cried, we took shots
I came to rescue you
and you rescued my mom.
Bruce Willis could never.
Mm.
Ooh, and someone made out.
With their boyfriend. Still
counts. We did it, Joe.
Ooh!
♪
- Y'all ready for this ♪
- Oh, my God!
(SCREAMING)
♪
This is The Paul Show and I am Paul ♪
Welcome back to Paul or Nothing.
Today, respected doorman-
turned-lawyer Lewbert Sline
is gonna show us how to
make his famous Lewb Juice.
Step one. Warm cough syrup,
boiled in the mouth
of an active volcano.
Step two. Some nice, expired nut milk.
And I don't mean almonds.
That's my man.
You're welcome, Internet.
♪
Ooh!
♪
♪
(CHEERING)
Okay, Danica, spill the beans.
Where are we going for my
bachelorette party, hmm?
Burlesque seafood buffet in Reno?
The theme was going to
be "Trapped in a Mine."
You know, because marriage is a trap.
But Carly vetoed my idea
without so much as a petite rendezvous.
We are going to
Ohio!
I said
Ohio!
We heard you.
Wait. Are we gonna be
on my favorite TV show
Toledo House Flip?
No.
But we are going to
the "Party Like They Do
on Toledo House Flip Experience."
You know how gals go to New York
to do the Sex and the City tours?
So, it's gonna be exactly like
that, except we're going to be
"remodeling" a house in the Midwest.
We're gonna have so much fun.
Placing succulents in corners,
and choosing between zebra
and giraffe wallpaper.
And screwing in Edison light
bulbs while drinking mimosas.
So you changed the
entire weekend on a whim?
Classic Carly.
Don't worry. I approved Carly's
itinerary, which means a lot
because I'm the queen
of bachelorette parties.
You've been a maid of honor before?
14 times. All featured in
Bachelorette Party magazine.
Self-published.
Hey. Did you tell her?
Did you tell her? Did she freak out?
Did she flip?
Yoo-hoo, Freddie, a word?
Hey, um, question.
When you hear "Classic Carly"
Oh, no. My mom said "Classic Carly"?
Why, what does it mean?
My mom kind of thinks that you're
impulsive, unreliable,
disrespectful to elders,
and prone to hijacking a weekend.
Is that all?
No. She also thinks
you have poor posture.
But that's all.
I am going to prove to her this weekend
that I am respectful, reliable,
and that I can stand up straight.
God, my spine burns.
Don't worry, okay? She's gonna love it.
Have fun. I love you.
And I love you, Millicent.
- Millicent?
- Bye.
Fredward, I just
Bye, Danica.
- Take care, Harps.
- Oh.
And now a goodbye to the one
I'm going to miss the most
Ooh.
Carly.
(LAUGHING)
Sorry, what did you
want to tell me, Mom?
I don't recall.
Then it must not have
been important. (CHUCKLES)
See ya, Mama. Hang loose.
Hang looser.
(SIGHS)
Classic Carly.
I know ♪
You see ♪
Somehow the world will change for me ♪
And be so wonderful ♪
So wake up the members of my nation ♪
It's your time to be ♪
There's no chance
unless you take one ♪
And the time to see
the brighter side ♪
Of every situation ♪
Some things are meant to be ♪
So give your best and
leave the rest to me. ♪
♪
How fun is flying Southwest?
You never know where you're gonna sit.
And yet somehow I ended up next to you.
Is this a murder house?
(ALL SCREAM)
(SINGSONGY): There
was never a conviction.
Hi. So, the brochure made
it seem less, um, meth-y?
And I'm very dependable,
so I wouldn't have
booked something meth-y.
You're saying meth a lot.
Let me see your teeth.
Welcome, ladies.
I'm Emily Haines, and
I'm honored you booked
the "Party Like They Do on
Toledo House Flip Experience."
Rehabbing a home is good for the soul.
Talk to Carly about rehab,
she's the one who's
babbling on about meth.
This is the bride, Marissa.
I'm the maid of honor.
One would think I would've been the one
to pick what we're doing this weekend,
but one would be wrong.
Now, I just need one member of the group
to sign here so we can get started.
I know it's called "Party Like
They Do on Toledo House Flip,"
but it's strange because it seems like
we're about to be doing actual labor?
Relax, it's all part of the experience.
Plus, you get to wear jumpsuits!
Oh, good.
Manual labor and you're
making it harder for me to pee.
Never underestimate the power
of women in pink jumpsuits.
Amen.
Now, hand over your phones.
When we unplug from the world,
we plug in with each other.
Ooh, plug language.
I definitely want to plug in with y'all.
So, hand them over, ladies.
Where we're going, we don't need phones.
It's weird. For someone
so claustrophobic,
you sure do enjoy invading
others' personal space.
♪
4.2% ABV?
Well, I guess it is a Saturday.
Oh!
- Aah!
- Lewbert.
What the hell are you doing?
Well, Marissa said you'd
throw me a bachelor party.
Didn't she tell you?
(SIGHS) I think she tried to.
What's in the growler?
Oh, a family recipe:
Lewb Juice.
It's a delicious libation and
a darn strong foot exfoliant.
Shall I pour?
That's gross and I don't want to do this
and I'm mad at my mom now.
Okay. You know,
Marissa said your unreliable
girlfriend would rub off on you.
Classic Carly.
Wait. Fine. I'll give you a party.
Who do you want me to invite?
(GRUNTING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Hey, man, you busy?
No, what's up?
Apparently, my mom promised Lewbert
I would throw him a
bachelor party tonight.
Oh, hey, hey, can I invite Paul?
He seems like somebody I can
pretend to like IPAs with.
Yeah, sure, he's an
additional human male.
In five, four, three
This is The Paul Show, and I am Paul ♪
(PHONE RINGING)
Damn it, when is it my turn?
You've got Paul, manager,
impresario, size 15 shoe.
Oh, yeah, we're gonna be friends.
Oh, hey, what's up,
man? It's Spencer Shay.
Uh, yeah, I was just wondering,
uh, you into bachelor parties?
Oh, I'm not into bachelor parties.
I'm the king of bachelor parties.
How soon can you be in my apartment?
Oh, an hour. I-I'm upstairs
but I got to go home and get my poppers.
Zut alors.
I didn't realize this
would be so physical.
It's not so bad.
Normally, people pay $50
to do hungover Pilates.
This is just like that,
only with more tetanus.
If I get tetanus, can I sit down?
You know what? Let's play a game.
And the name of the game
that I'm about to say is
"Truth or Hammer!"
Oh, yes. The famous party
game that everyone knows.
Truth or Hammer is a very
real game that exists
where we go around and ask each
other penetrating questions.
And if anyone doesn't want to answer,
then it's hammer time. (LAUGHS)
Wow, that actually kind of made sense.
And as Bachelorette Party Tsarina,
I brought Mrs. B's favorite
libation. Grenadine!
(CHEERING)
Shots! Shots! Non-alcoholic shots!
Wow, is this party iconic or what?
Danica, have you ever flirted
with a man you knew was taken?
Oui oui. But the French
never kiss and tell.
You're from Idaho.
I guess it's hammer time.
(CHEERING)
(CHEERING)
Okay. Harper!
Who is your best kiss?
Ooh, you want me to choose
between 100 lies 300 people?
It's hammer time!
(CHEERING)
(CHEERING)
Okay, Carly's turn.
What's the most romantic
place you've been with Freddie?
- (GROWLS)
- Ooh.
Oh. I know where it's going to be.
(SNARLS)
Freddie's taking me
on a two-day cruise
(GROWLS)
to Jamaica
(YELLS)
on the second Sunday in May.
Mother's Day weekend?!
(SCREAMING)
Why wasn't I invited?
Because that would be weird.
Oh, no. Not weird.
No, that's so normal.
Come with, girlfriend.
We can even set up a cot in the cabin.
- (GROWLS)
- That I will be sleeping on.
Marissa, let's put down the hammer.
You're not storming the Bastille.
I want to go home.
(SOBBING)
Well, you tried, Carly.
Poorly, but you tried.
Ah, stay the course.
This is a part of every
bachelorette party:
the bride must cry
for no rhyme or reason.
You're doing great, sweetie.
Screw this party.
I just wanted Mrs. B to like me.
Ladies, let's go.
Oh, hey, girl.
(SCREAMS)
Where do you think you're going?
You're trapped.
- Trapped?
- Perhaps I was being a dot dramatic.
You can leave anytime.
Once the house is flipped.
It's all explained here.
That waiver? But none of
us signed it except Carly.
She signed for your
entire group unilaterally.
- Classic Carly.
- Classic Carly.
So now I'm what?
Someone who signs waivers
on behalf of a group?
Yup.
It's not a waiver.
It's an employment contract.
And that HGTV B-I-T-C-H has our phones.
I say we smash that case.
EMILY: Go ahead.
My fiancé made this lockbox,
and he designed the
deathtraps for the movie Saw.
Ladies, you're just
contracted construction workers
until the home is done. Simple pimple.
This contract doesn't
include a minor's permit.
I'm well-versed in
Ohio's child labor laws.
Guess that makes you my co-captain.
You up for delineating tasks
while drinking cold
sparkling apple cider?
Keep the meaningless title.
I accept the power and the juice.
How long will this take?
I left my mouse Julien with
a bowl of food and a note.
That mouse is dead.
I had a party flip a house in two days.
Well, a 500-square-foot studio.
Never underestimate the power
of women in pink jumpsuits.
Don't worry, we've got this.
Because we, including me,
are dependable, decisive,
straight-spined gals.
Oh, has anyone been
up to the second floor?
ALL: There's a second floor?
Oh, I can't believe you went
to all this trouble for me.
Well, a boy's best friend is his mother.
By the way, have you heard from her?
Oh, not a peep.
Although, sometimes Marissa
pretends to go missing.
It's sort of an elaborate
psychosexual prank. You see
Now! For the love of God, now!
♪
Lock the doors and lower the blinds!
It's bachelor party time!
(WHOOPING)
Oh, it's happening! I'm the bachie!
ALL (CHANTING): Bachie! Bachie! Bachie!
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
(YELLING)
All my friends are here!
Best bachelor party ever!
(CHEERING)
So
what's next?
Next?
This is the thing.
Or
Lewb Juice?
So, it's a drink and a foot exfoliant?
You know, I thought Lewb
Juice would taste terrible
because the name, like
Lewbert, is disgusting.
- Lewbert is disgusting.
- Yeah.
You are disgusting.
Does Lewb Juice make you mean?
No, it just makes you honest.
Dissolves the skin off your feet
and the filter off your brain.
Go ahead, try to lie.
I like Ben Affleck's back
tattoo. I think it's hip.
(GASPS)
That's incredible.
I wish you weren't marrying my mother.
I wish you weren't her son.
Sometimes I wonder how far
I can take this lovable goofball thing.
Will I ever have to grow up?
If I did, I'd want to be like you.
Please, you're the cool
one, Captain Charisma.
Oh.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, my God, no.
Is it that bitch Trina
from poison control?
She said I could still drink Lewb Juice
as long as I didn't sell it!
Guys, this is an
emergency. We got to go.
- Oh, God!
- My feet!
- My feet!
- It burns!
I have friends.
(GROANING)
Carly, you really know how
to plan a bachelorette party.
Danica, when you're done
with the wall, paint my nails.
(SOBBING)
Hey, hey.
At least the hard hats are pink.
(WHIRRING)
Okay, ladies, quick vibe check.
The vibe? It's giving "hostage."
Then it's time for Stockholm
Syndrome because I'm thinking
Scandinavian modern for these floors.
Then we need to go over a
long list of other changes.
Ugh, changes? Why can't
things just stay the same?
Same house, same walls,
same little boy who kisses me
on the cheek before anyone
else when saying goodbye!
Oh, this is about Freddie.
Who's Freddie again?
It's Carly's boyfriend
and Millicent's dad.
He was my son first!
(YELLS)
- Mrs. B, wait!
- No, no.
This is a part of it.
Phase one, shots. Phase two,
the bride wants to leave.
Phase three, the coolest person
at the party calms everyone down.
That's what's currently happening.
MRS. BENSON: Screw you, ladies!
(CACKLING)
Mrs. Benson, where are you?
You're kind of freaking us out.
- (STAPLE GUN CLACKING)
- I'm in the walls, suckas!
This is not a known phase.
I can't sell this house
with a woman in the wall.
That's a $20,000 markdown.
Wait, I thought you
were an event planner.
You're also the realtor?
Damn, girl, you got
capitalism figured out.
If any of you ever want to leave,
you better get her out of there.
Now it looks like we're
talking to something
and not an actual wall.
Mrs. B, I know you can hear me.
MRS. BENSON: I can't hear you, Carly.
We have to get you out of there.
Leave me be. This is my safe space.
Do most safe spaces have asbestos?
- Hey.
- We're here!
You came to rescue us?
Yes, we did.
Like four gallant kni-aah!
(SCREAMING)
What in God's name is happening?
We've been drinking Lewb Juice.
It's a foot exfoliant,
which is why we can't walk.
It's also a truth serum,
which is why I want one
of those jumpsuits in an XL
so I can feel like I belong.
Oh!
Where's my mom?
Funny story, actually.
Um, your mother hates me
and this weekend so much
that she is in the walls.
Classic Mommy.
All right, I'll get her out.
(YELLS)
(SOBBING) I can't do this.
Well, then I have no choice.
Mrs. Benson, I'm coming for you!
You can depend on me!
MRS. BENSON: I can hear you slouching.
Oh, the crawlspace.
Carly, your claustrophobia.
Grease up my shoulders, I am going in.
(HYPERVENTILATING)
Come to Toledo, get
together, flip a house,
have a few laughs
Bruce Willis, you
damn national treasure,
how the hell did you
make it look so easy?
(MOANING)
Aah!
Oh, yippee-ki-yay, Freddie's mother.
Thank God you're okay!
Oh, look. I went into my safe space,
and you ran in and took over.
Classic Carly.
Enough.
We both love Freddie so much.
We should be on the same team.
Freddie and I were a team.
But ever since you showed up,
it's like he put me on the bench.
I hate sports.
I never really looked at it that way.
(LOUD THUMPING)
Carly, that's so loud.
Marissa! I will get you out of there!
I see a saw.
Could someone saw off my feet?!
How did you guys find us?
I texted Dad.
When Emily wasn't looking, I
took a crack at her lockbox.
The code was 1234.
Simple pimple indeed.
Wait, you got to our phones?
I could've called Julien
and told him how to
get a bottle of water.
Don't challenge my methods.
I'm the hero.
I'm the real hero!
I bet you hate me now more than ever.
I don't hate you, Carly.
I just hate change, especially
when it comes to Freddie.
Also, I truly hate your posture.
But I can't believe you
crawled into the wall for me.
Both because of your claustrophobia
and your obvious character flaws.
Of course I did. I love Team Benson.
And I'm always going to be
your biggest cheerleader.
And maybe someday,
I'll be a Benson, too.
- Mm.
- Sorry.
Yeah, I-I shouldn't have said that.
Could you just keep that between us?
What happens in the
wall stays in the wall.
But if you think he's
marrying Little Miss Scoliosis,
you've had a bit too much grenadine.
Yeah, let's get out of here.
I think we've had enough truth.
How about some hammer?
(GRUNTING)
Here's Mommy!
(CRASHING)
Hey!
Your girlfriend faced her
worst fears to rescue me.
Classic Carly.
Oh, my favorite girls, get in here.
Carly, Mom, Millicent!
I'm a'ight.
Well, ladies,
this house looks even
worse than when you started.
I'm glad you found a
passel of men to help,
because at the pace you're going,
you'll be in Ohio for months
to fulfill the terms of your contract.
I'd like to talk about your little
employment contract.
Oh, snap, it's his lawyer voice.
I perused your contract
and it fails to address
the fact that Ohio is an
at-will employment state.
- But they signed
- Which means
an employee may quit their
job at any time for any reason.
Regardless of a contact.
Tell her, Pop Pop.
So, unless you'd like to face
charges of kidnapping, fraud,
then I suggest you
refund these ladies' money
and never speak of this again.
(YELPS)
(CHEERING)
Yeah!
The bride cried, we took shots
I came to rescue you
and you rescued my mom.
Bruce Willis could never.
Mm.
Ooh, and someone made out.
With their boyfriend. Still
counts. We did it, Joe.
Ooh!
♪
- Y'all ready for this ♪
- Oh, my God!
(SCREAMING)
♪
This is The Paul Show and I am Paul ♪
Welcome back to Paul or Nothing.
Today, respected doorman-
turned-lawyer Lewbert Sline
is gonna show us how to
make his famous Lewb Juice.
Step one. Warm cough syrup,
boiled in the mouth
of an active volcano.
Step two. Some nice, expired nut milk.
And I don't mean almonds.
That's my man.
You're welcome, Internet.
♪
Ooh!
♪