Impractical Jokers (2017) s03e07 Episode Script
Scarytales
Narrator: COMING UP, WHY DOES SAL WANT TO PLAY DRESS-UP? I WOULD LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU SAL WANT TO PLAY DRESS-UP? I WOULD LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
[ LAUGHS .]
LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
[ LAUGHS .]
Narrator: HAS Q FOUND HIS [ LAUGHS .]
Narrator: HAS Q FOUND HIS SOUL MATE? Narrator: HAS Q FOUND HIS SOUL MATE? HE SAID YES! SOUL MATE? HE SAID YES! [ LAUGHS .]
HE SAID YES! [ LAUGHS .]
Narrator: AND WHAT HAS [ LAUGHS .]
Narrator: AND WHAT HAS TONIGHT'S BIG LOSER TURNING Narrator: AND WHAT HAS TONIGHT'S BIG LOSER TURNING STORY TIME INTO SCARY TIME? TONIGHT'S BIG LOSER TURNING STORY TIME INTO SCARY TIME? [ LAUGHTER .]
STORY TIME INTO SCARY TIME? [ LAUGHTER .]
PREPARE FOR SOMETHING [ LAUGHTER .]
PREPARE FOR SOMETHING AMAZING.
PREPARE FOR SOMETHING AMAZING.
HEY, MUSTACHE, WHAT'S UP? AMAZING.
HEY, MUSTACHE, WHAT'S UP? [ LAUGHTER .]
HEY, MUSTACHE, WHAT'S UP? [ LAUGHTER .]
I WANT MY MOMMY! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WANT MY MOMMY! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WANT MY MOMMY! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! LARRY! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! LARRY! [ LAUGHTER .]
LARRY! [ LAUGHTER .]
TONIGHT WE'RE AT THE [ LAUGHTER .]
TONIGHT WE'RE AT THE SEVEN IN HEAVEN AT THE BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT WE'RE AT THE SEVEN IN HEAVEN AT THE BEAUTIFUL LONG BEACH HOTEL.
SEVEN IN HEAVEN AT THE BEAUTIFUL LONG BEACH HOTEL.
AND WE'RE HERE FOR ONE LONG BEACH HOTEL.
AND WE'RE HERE FOR ONE REASON -- TO EMBARRASS OURSELVES AND WE'RE HERE FOR ONE REASON -- TO EMBARRASS OURSELVES IN FRONT OF SINGLES.
REASON -- TO EMBARRASS OURSELVES IN FRONT OF SINGLES.
WHILE MINGLING WITH THE IN FRONT OF SINGLES.
WHILE MINGLING WITH THE LOVELY PEOPLE OF LONG BEACH, WHILE MINGLING WITH THE LOVELY PEOPLE OF LONG BEACH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO AND SAY LOVELY PEOPLE OF LONG BEACH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO AND SAY WHATEVER THE OTHER GUYS WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO AND SAY WHATEVER THE OTHER GUYS TELL US TO.
AND IF YOU REFUSE ANYTHING YOU'RE TOLD, YOU'LL LOSE AND YOU YOU'RE TOLD, YOU'LL LOSE AND YOU DIE ALONE.
DIE ALONE.
LET'S GET IT, BOYS.
LET'S GET IT, BOYS.
WHAT? THIS IS ACTUALLY A JUMPIN' EVENT.
EVENT.
ALL RIGHT, BOYS.
ALL RIGHT, BOYS.
HERE YOU GO, BUDDY.
HERE YOU GO, BUDDY.
YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOUR SOUL YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOUR SOUL MATE.
MATE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
INTIMIDATING, TO SAY THE INTIMIDATING, TO SAY THE LEAST.
LEAST.
ON THE PROWL, SAL VULCANO.
ON THE PROWL, SAL VULCANO.
HAVEN'T SEEN THIS SINCE COLLEGE.
HAVEN'T SEEN THIS SINCE COLLEGE.
BE GENTLE WITH ME.
BE GENTLE WITH ME.
I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW, I I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW, I PROMISE.
PROMISE.
HOW YOU DOING, BUD? HOW YOU DOING, BUD? HOW ARE YOU? HOW ARE YOU? CHEERS.
CHEERS.
SAL.
SAL.
NICE TO MEET YOU, LARRY.
NICE TO MEET YOU, LARRY.
WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN? WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN? LARRY.
LARRY.
MY FRIEND JOE WAS LOOKING FOR MY FRIEND JOE WAS LOOKING FOR YOU.
YOU.
MY FRIEND WAS LOOKING FOR MY FRIEND WAS LOOKING FOR YOU BEFORE.
YOU BEFORE.
YEAH, THE TICKET LINE, HE WAS YEAH, THE TICKET LINE, HE WAS LOOKING FOR YOU AT THE LOOKING FOR YOU AT THE SUPERMARKET.
SUPERMARKET.
HE WAS LOOKING FOR YOU AT THE HE WAS LOOKING FOR YOU AT THE SHOE STORE.
SHOE STORE.
HE COULDN'T FIND YOU ANYWHERE.
HE COULDN'T FIND YOU ANYWHERE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
GET IN THERE, LARRY.
GET IN THERE, LARRY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
HOW YOU DOING? HOW YOU DOING? WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S GOING ON? TO MINGLE.
TO MINGLE.
SAL, GET REALLY OVEREMOTIONAL SAL, GET REALLY OVEREMOTIONAL WITH EVERYTHING.
WITH EVERYTHING.
YOU BIG CRYBABY.
YOU BIG CRYBABY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
WEDNESDAY'S -- WEDNESDAY'S MY WEDNESDAY'S -- WEDNESDAY'S MY FAVORITE DAY.
FAVORITE DAY.
IT'S, LIKE, PEOPLE CALL IT HUMP IT'S, LIKE, PEOPLE CALL IT HUMP DAY LIKE IT'S A BAD THING.
DAY LIKE IT'S A BAD THING.
HE'S GETTING EMOTIONAL ABOUT HE'S GETTING EMOTIONAL ABOUT WEDNESDAYS.
BUT I JUST THINK, LIKE, IT'S WEDNESDAYS.
BUT I JUST THINK, LIKE, IT'S LIKE THE BEST DAY, 'CAUSE BUT I JUST THINK, LIKE, IT'S LIKE THE BEST DAY, 'CAUSE EVERYBODY LOVES FRIDAY, LIKE THE BEST DAY, 'CAUSE EVERYBODY LOVES FRIDAY, SATURDAY, AND SUNDAY.
EVERYBODY LOVES FRIDAY, SATURDAY, AND SUNDAY.
EVERYBODY HAS FEELINGS ABOUT SATURDAY, AND SUNDAY.
EVERYBODY HAS FEELINGS ABOUT MONDAY.
EVERYBODY HAS FEELINGS ABOUT MONDAY.
BUT PEOPLE FORGET ABOUT MONDAY.
BUT PEOPLE FORGET ABOUT WEDNESDAY.
BUT PEOPLE FORGET ABOUT WEDNESDAY.
ARE YOU GETTING SENTIMENTAL WEDNESDAY.
ARE YOU GETTING SENTIMENTAL ON ME? ARE YOU GETTING SENTIMENTAL ON ME? [ LAUGHTER .]
ON ME? [ LAUGHTER .]
I JUST -- I JUST THINK [ LAUGHTER .]
I JUST -- I JUST THINK WEDNESDAY'S THE TOPS.
I JUST -- I JUST THINK WEDNESDAY'S THE TOPS.
OH, MY GOD.
WEDNESDAY'S THE TOPS.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE CRYING OVER WEDNESDAY.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE CRYING OVER WEDNESDAY.
THAT'S CRAZY.
YOU'RE CRYING OVER WEDNESDAY.
THAT'S CRAZY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THAT'S CRAZY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I MUST BE EXTRA EMOTIONAL.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I MUST BE EXTRA EMOTIONAL.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, RIGHT.
START CRYING ABOUT IT.
SAY NO AND START CRYING.
START CRYING ABOUT IT.
SAY NO AND START CRYING.
I-I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T SAY NO AND START CRYING.
I-I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T [ SOBS .]
I-I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T [ SOBS .]
I AM SUFFERING OUT HERE.
[ SOBS .]
I AM SUFFERING OUT HERE.
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS TOUGH.
I AM SUFFERING OUT HERE.
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS TOUGH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS TOUGH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I SHOULD PROBABLY BE IN [ LAUGHTER .]
I SHOULD PROBABLY BE IN THERAPY.
I SHOULD PROBABLY BE IN THERAPY.
I GOT, LIKE, VOICES IN MY HEAD.
THERAPY.
I GOT, LIKE, VOICES IN MY HEAD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M GREAT.
NO, YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.
NO, YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
THAT'S THE NICEST WOMAN ON THAT'S THE NICEST WOMAN ON LONG ISLAND! LONG ISLAND! HEY, HOW ARE YOU? HEY, HOW ARE YOU? JENNIFER.
JENNIFER.
HOW'S EVERYTHING? HOW'S EVERYTHING? GOOD, GOOD.
GOOD, GOOD.
ANYONE EVER TELL YOU YOU'RE THE SPITTING IMAGE OF ANYONE EVER TELL YOU YOU'RE THE SPITTING IMAGE OF VANESSA WILLIAMS? THE SPITTING IMAGE OF VANESSA WILLIAMS? [ LAUGHTER .]
VANESSA WILLIAMS? [ LAUGHTER .]
ANYONE EVER TELL YOU YOU'RE [ LAUGHTER .]
ANYONE EVER TELL YOU YOU'RE THE SPITTING IMAGE OF ANYONE EVER TELL YOU YOU'RE THE SPITTING IMAGE OF VANESSA WILLIAMS? THE SPITTING IMAGE OF VANESSA WILLIAMS? VAN-- [ LAUGHS .]
VANESSA WILLIAMS? VAN-- [ LAUGHS .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
VAN-- [ LAUGHS .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
NO, BUT JUST THE FEATURES.
[ LAUGHTER .]
NO, BUT JUST THE FEATURES.
[ LAUGHS .]
NO, BUT JUST THE FEATURES.
[ LAUGHS .]
MAN, I'D LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU [ LAUGHS .]
MAN, I'D LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
MAN, I'D LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MAN, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE WHAT [ LAUGHTER .]
MAN, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
MAN, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW [ LAUGHTER .]
SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME RIGHT OFF THE TOP.
SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME RIGHT OFF THE TOP.
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD ABOUT ME RIGHT OFF THE TOP.
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME RIGHT OFF THE TOP.
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME RIGHT OFF THE TOP.
I ONLY DO KISSES TILL KNOW ABOUT ME RIGHT OFF THE TOP.
I ONLY DO KISSES TILL MARRIAGE.
I ONLY DO KISSES TILL MARRIAGE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MARRIAGE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I ONLY DO KISSES UNTIL [ LAUGHTER .]
I ONLY DO KISSES UNTIL MARRIAGE.
I ONLY DO KISSES UNTIL MARRIAGE.
[ LAUGHS .]
MARRIAGE.
[ LAUGHS .]
THE VAGINA.
[ LAUGHS .]
THE VAGINA.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THE VAGINA.
[ LAUGHTER .]
UH [ LAUGHTER .]
UH THE -- THE VAGINA.
UH THE -- THE VAGINA.
[ LAUGHS .]
THE -- THE VAGINA.
[ LAUGHS .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
YEAH.
UNTIL MARRIAGE.
UNTIL MARRIAGE.
I MEAN, AND I AM STRICT WITH I MEAN, AND I AM STRICT WITH THAT.
THAT.
[ DING! .]
[ DING! .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
THERE HE IS.
THERE HE IS.
LOOK AT THIS HANDSOME SON OF LOOK AT THIS HANDSOME SON OF A BITCH.
A BITCH.
LOOK AT HIM.
LOOK AT HIM.
HE'S PARTING THE SEA OF SINGLES.
HE'S PARTING THE SEA OF SINGLES.
YEAH.
YEAH.
I NEED A DRINK.
I NEED A DRINK.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
HOW ARE YOU? HOW ARE YOU? GOOD, GOOD.
GOOD, GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU? HOW ARE YOU? WHILE YOU'RE TALKING TO THIS WHILE YOU'RE TALKING TO THIS LADY, KEEP CHECKING YOURSELF TO LADY, KEEP CHECKING YOURSELF TO SEE IF YOU HAVE B.
O.
SEE IF YOU HAVE B.
O.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
WHAT WAS YOUR NAME? WHAT WAS YOUR NAME? IRENE! IRENE! [ SNIFFS .]
[ SNIFFS .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M JUST CHECKING IF I PUT I'M JUST CHECKING IF I PUT ENOUGH DEODORANT ON, YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER .]
ENOUGH DEODORANT ON, YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Q, TWIRL YOUR HAIR.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Q, TWIRL YOUR HAIR.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Q, TWIRL YOUR HAIR.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, YEAH? [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, YEAH? LOOK AT THAT FACE! OH, YEAH? LOOK AT THAT FACE! WHAT'S UP? THIS GUY'S [BLEEP.]
BLOCKING YOU! [ LAUGHTER .]
YOU! [ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
WHAT?! [ LAUGHTER .]
WHAT?! HE GOT BOXED OUT! WHAT?! HE GOT BOXED OUT! IT'S PRISON RULES OUT THERE! HE GOT BOXED OUT! IT'S PRISON RULES OUT THERE! THANKS FOR [BLEEP.]
BLOCKING IT'S PRISON RULES OUT THERE! THANKS FOR [BLEEP.]
BLOCKING ME, BRO.
THANKS FOR [BLEEP.]
BLOCKING ME, BRO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
ME, BRO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MAN.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MAN.
HI.
MY NAME'S BRIAN.
AMANDA? OHH, OKAY.
OHH, OKAY.
YOU KNOW YOU DON'T NEED TO YOU KNOW YOU DON'T NEED TO REFRIGERATE MAYO, RIGHT? REFRIGERATE MAYO, RIGHT? [ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU KNOW YOU DON'T NEED TO YOU KNOW YOU DON'T NEED TO REFRIGERATE MAYO? REFRIGERATE MAYO? DID YOU KNOW THAT? DID YOU KNOW THAT? YEAH.
YEAH.
Q, JUST KEEP TALKING ABOUT MAYO, BUD.
Q, JUST KEEP TALKING ABOUT MAYO, BUD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MAYO, BUD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON [ LAUGHTER .]
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON EVERYTHING, NOT JUST SANDWICHES.
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON EVERYTHING, NOT JUST SANDWICHES.
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON, LIKE, EVERYTHING, NOT JUST SANDWICHES.
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON, LIKE, SHRIMP.
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON, LIKE, SHRIMP.
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON, LIKE, SHRIMP.
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON, LIKE, PIZZA.
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON, LIKE, PIZZA.
NO, THANK YOU, MA'AM.
PIZZA.
NO, THANK YOU, MA'AM.
DO YOU HAVE ANY MAYO FOR NO, THANK YOU, MA'AM.
DO YOU HAVE ANY MAYO FOR THAT, ACTUALLY? DO YOU HAVE ANY MAYO FOR THAT, ACTUALLY? [ LAUGHTER .]
THAT, ACTUALLY? [ LAUGHTER .]
DO YOU HAVE ANY MAYO YOU COULD [ LAUGHTER .]
DO YOU HAVE ANY MAYO YOU COULD THROW ON THAT? DO YOU HAVE ANY MAYO YOU COULD THROW ON THAT? YEAH, IF YOU COULD GRAB SOME THROW ON THAT? YEAH, IF YOU COULD GRAB SOME MAYO, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
YEAH, IF YOU COULD GRAB SOME MAYO, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
THANK YOU.
MAYO, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SHE'S DOING "HELP ME" EYES.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SHE'S DOING "HELP ME" EYES.
WHAT DO YOU DO? SHE'S DOING "HELP ME" EYES.
WHAT DO YOU DO? BOR-RING! WHAT DO YOU DO? BOR-RING! [ LAUGHTER .]
BOR-RING! [ LAUGHTER .]
SO, IF I RAN OVER MY FRIENDS [ LAUGHTER .]
SO, IF I RAN OVER MY FRIENDS WITH A CAR SO, IF I RAN OVER MY FRIENDS WITH A CAR YEAH! WITH A CAR YEAH! YOU COULD INSURE THAT? YEAH! YOU COULD INSURE THAT? [ BUZZER .]
I'M JAMES.
NICE TO MEET YOU, LINDA.
NICE TO MEET YOU, LINDA.
LINDA.
HI.
LINDA.
HI.
PLEASURE.
PLEASURE.
WHERE YOU FROM? WHERE YOU FROM? MERRICK? OH, SURE.
MERRICK? OH, SURE.
I USED TO DATE A GIRL WHO LIVED I USED TO DATE A GIRL WHO LIVED IN MERRICK.
IN MERRICK.
ARE YOU WAXING YOUR EYEBROWS? ARE YOU WAXING YOUR EYEBROWS? 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE FROM HERE, BUDDY.
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE FROM HERE, BUDDY.
TWO PERFECTLY-SHAPED LITTLE LIKE FROM HERE, BUDDY.
TWO PERFECTLY-SHAPED LITTLE PENCIL EYEBROWS.
TWO PERFECTLY-SHAPED LITTLE PENCIL EYEBROWS.
WHAT ABOUT THE BEARD? PENCIL EYEBROWS.
WHAT ABOUT THE BEARD? [ LAUGHTER .]
WHAT ABOUT THE BEARD? [ LAUGHTER .]
YOU LOOK LIKE GEORGE MICHAEL.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU LOOK LIKE GEORGE MICHAEL.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU LOOK LIKE GEORGE MICHAEL.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M SORRY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M SORRY.
I'M THROWN OFF MY GAME RIGHT I'M SORRY.
I'M THROWN OFF MY GAME RIGHT NOW.
I'M THROWN OFF MY GAME RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER .]
NOW.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SALUD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SALUD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SALUD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I THINK HE PLAYED IT PERFECT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I THINK HE PLAYED IT PERFECT.
WE HAVE SOMETHING FLYING IN I THINK HE PLAYED IT PERFECT.
WE HAVE SOMETHING FLYING IN TO HELP YOU OUT A LITTLE BIT.
WE HAVE SOMETHING FLYING IN TO HELP YOU OUT A LITTLE BIT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? TO HELP YOU OUT A LITTLE BIT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SEE THOSE BUSINESS CARDS? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SEE THOSE BUSINESS CARDS? PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKET.
SEE THOSE BUSINESS CARDS? PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKET.
DON'T LOOK AT THEM.
PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKET.
DON'T LOOK AT THEM.
PUT THEM RIGHT IN YOUR POCKET.
DON'T LOOK AT THEM.
PUT THEM RIGHT IN YOUR POCKET.
PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKET.
PUT THEM RIGHT IN YOUR POCKET.
PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKET.
DO NOT LOOK.
PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKET.
DO NOT LOOK.
GO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO PEOPLE, DO NOT LOOK.
GO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO PEOPLE, HAND THEM THE CARD, AND LIVE GO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO PEOPLE, HAND THEM THE CARD, AND LIVE WITH IT, MY FRIEND.
SEE THOSE BUSINESS CARDS? YEAH.
YEAH.
DON'T LOOK AT THEM.
DON'T LOOK AT THEM.
GO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO PEOPLE, GO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO PEOPLE, HAND THEM THE CARD, AND LIVE HAND THEM THE CARD, AND LIVE WITH IT, MY FRIEND.
WITH IT, MY FRIEND.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
CHEERS.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
OH, HERE WE GO! CHEERS.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
OH, HERE WE GO! I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD.
OH, HERE WE GO! I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD.
MY NAME'S JAMES MURRAY.
I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD.
MY NAME'S JAMES MURRAY.
I'M A CHILD-PAGEANT COACH.
YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
WHAT I DO IS I MAKE PURSES FOR CATS.
WHAT I DO IS I MAKE PURSES FOR CATS.
MY NAME'S JAMES MURRAY.
CATS.
MY NAME'S JAMES MURRAY.
I'M A STATE EXECUTIONER.
MY NAME'S JAMES MURRAY.
I'M A STATE EXECUTIONER.
[ LAUGHS .]
I'M A STATE EXECUTIONER.
[ LAUGHS .]
MY NAME IS JAMES MURRAY.
[ LAUGHS .]
MY NAME IS JAMES MURRAY.
I'M A DOUCHE MANUFACTURER.
MY NAME IS JAMES MURRAY.
I'M A DOUCHE MANUFACTURER.
DOUCHES? I'M A DOUCHE MANUFACTURER.
DOUCHES? YEAH.
DOUCHES? YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MY NAME'S JAMES MURRAY, [ LAUGHTER .]
MY NAME'S JAMES MURRAY, DEFENSE ATTORNEY.
MY NAME'S JAMES MURRAY, DEFENSE ATTORNEY.
[ LAUGHS .]
DEFENSE ATTORNEY.
[ LAUGHS .]
I'LL GIVE YOU THE "D.
" [ LAUGHS .]
I'LL GIVE YOU THE "D.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
I'LL GIVE YOU THE "D.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
[ DING! .]
I'M SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE, BOYS.
MINGLE, BOYS.
NO, YOU ARE NOT SINGLE! NO, YOU ARE NOT SINGLE! PUT THAT WEDDING RING BACK ON! PUT THAT WEDDING RING BACK ON! [ LAUGHTER .]
YES, YES! YES, YOU SCUMBAG! [ LAUGHTER .]
YES, YOU SCUMBAG! [ LAUGHTER .]
THERE YOU GO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THERE YOU GO.
TAP THE GLASS WITH YOUR THERE YOU GO.
TAP THE GLASS WITH YOUR FINGER.
TAP THE GLASS WITH YOUR FINGER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
FINGER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU CAN SEE IN HIS FACE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU CAN SEE IN HIS FACE.
HE'S ACTUALLY TENSE ABOUT IT.
YOU CAN SEE IN HIS FACE.
HE'S ACTUALLY TENSE ABOUT IT.
[ TAPS GLASS .]
HE'S ACTUALLY TENSE ABOUT IT.
[ TAPS GLASS .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ TAPS GLASS .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
SHE NOTICED.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SHE NOTICED.
SHE JUST NOTICED.
SHE NOTICED.
SHE JUST NOTICED.
GO UP TO THIS WOMAN AND SAY, SHE JUST NOTICED.
GO UP TO THIS WOMAN AND SAY, "WE'VE GOT TO MAKE THIS QUICK.
GO UP TO THIS WOMAN AND SAY, "WE'VE GOT TO MAKE THIS QUICK.
MY WIFE THINKS I'M AT THE "WE'VE GOT TO MAKE THIS QUICK.
MY WIFE THINKS I'M AT THE MOVIES.
" MY WIFE THINKS I'M AT THE MOVIES.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
MOVIES.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
HI, SORRY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HI, SORRY.
I GOT TO MAKE THIS QUICK.
HI, SORRY.
I GOT TO MAKE THIS QUICK.
MY WIFE THINKS I'M AT THE I GOT TO MAKE THIS QUICK.
MY WIFE THINKS I'M AT THE MOVIES.
MY WIFE THINKS I'M AT THE MOVIES.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MOVIES.
[ LAUGHTER .]
UHJUST, FIRST IMPRESSION, YES [ LAUGHTER .]
UHJUST, FIRST IMPRESSION, YES OR NO? UHJUST, FIRST IMPRESSION, YES OR NO? UMYOU MAKE A NICE FIRST OR NO? UMYOU MAKE A NICE FIRST IMPRESSION, BUT I'M UMYOU MAKE A NICE FIRST IMPRESSION, BUT I'M NO, YOU'RE NOT.
IMPRESSION, BUT I'M NO, YOU'RE NOT.
OKAY, I APPRECIATE IT.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
OKAY, I APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU.
OKAY, I APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU.
I'LL JUST KEEP CIRCULATING.
THANK YOU.
I'LL JUST KEEP CIRCULATING.
OH, MY GOD! I'LL JUST KEEP CIRCULATING.
OH, MY GOD! [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOD! [ LAUGHTER .]
HOW YOU DOING? [ LAUGHTER .]
HOW YOU DOING? ARE YOU FROM OUT HERE, EDITH, OR HOW YOU DOING? ARE YOU FROM OUT HERE, EDITH, OR NO? ARE YOU FROM OUT HERE, EDITH, OR NO? AMITYVILLE.
NO? AMITYVILLE.
OH, OKAY.
AMITYVILLE.
OH, OKAY.
I'M STATEN ISLAND.
OH, OKAY.
I'M STATEN ISLAND.
YOU GONNA CALL HIM? I'M STATEN ISLAND.
YOU GONNA CALL HIM? I'M GONNA CALL HIM.
YOU GONNA CALL HIM? I'M GONNA CALL HIM.
IF I NEED A PASSPORT I'M GONNA CALL HIM.
IF I NEED A PASSPORT IT'S NOT GONNA WORK OUT.
IF I NEED A PASSPORT IT'S NOT GONNA WORK OUT.
[ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
IT'S NOT GONNA WORK OUT.
[ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
JOE, SLOWLY MENTION THAT [ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
JOE, SLOWLY MENTION THAT YOU'RE MARRIED.
JOE, SLOWLY MENTION THAT YOU'RE MARRIED.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST MY WIFE.
YOU'RE MARRIED.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST MY WIFE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST MY WIFE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THAT WAS YOUR WIFE? [ LAUGHTER .]
THAT WAS YOUR WIFE? WHAT? YEAH.
THAT WAS YOUR WIFE? WHAT? YEAH.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO WHAT? YEAH.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE PHARMACY TO GET HER SOME YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE PHARMACY TO GET HER SOME MEDICINE.
THE PHARMACY TO GET HER SOME MEDICINE.
OH, MAN! MEDICINE.
OH, MAN! [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MAN! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE [ LAUGHTER .]
I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE PHARMACY TO GET HER SOME I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE PHARMACY TO GET HER SOME MEDICINE.
PHARMACY TO GET HER SOME MEDICINE.
SHE KEEPS CALLING ME.
MEDICINE.
SHE KEEPS CALLING ME.
WELL, SHE'S REAL SICK, SO SHE KEEPS CALLING ME.
WELL, SHE'S REAL SICK, SO BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M AT THIS WELL, SHE'S REAL SICK, SO BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M AT THIS THING.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M AT THIS THING.
I'M CALLING AGAIN.
THING.
I'M CALLING AGAIN.
IT'S LIKE BOYS' NIGHT OUT BY I'M CALLING AGAIN.
IT'S LIKE BOYS' NIGHT OUT BY MYSELF, BUT SHE -- IT'S LIKE BOYS' NIGHT OUT BY MYSELF, BUT SHE -- [ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
MYSELF, BUT SHE -- [ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
I'M SORRY.
LET ME ANSWER THAT.
[ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
I'M SORRY.
LET ME ANSWER THAT.
JUSTST ONE SECOND.
I'M SORRY.
LET ME ANSWER THAT.
JUSTST ONE SECOND.
HI, HONEY.
JUSTST ONE SECOND.
HI, HONEY.
HONEY, WHERE ARE YOU? HI, HONEY.
HONEY, WHERE ARE YOU? I'M JUST AT THIS SINGLES HONEY, WHERE ARE YOU? I'M JUST AT THIS SINGLES EVENT, SPEAKING TO EDITH.
I'M JUST AT THIS SINGLES EVENT, SPEAKING TO EDITH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
EVENT, SPEAKING TO EDITH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SHE JUST LEAVES.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SHE JUST LEAVES.
SHE'S WALKING AWAY! SHE JUST LEAVES.
SHE'S WALKING AWAY! [ LAUGHTER .]
SHE'S WALKING AWAY! [ LAUGHTER .]
HOW'S THE EMPHYSEMA? [ LAUGHTER .]
HOW'S THE EMPHYSEMA? LATER, SCUMBAG.
HOW'S THE EMPHYSEMA? LATER, SCUMBAG.
YOU GUYS ARE HEARTLESS.
LATER, SCUMBAG.
YOU GUYS ARE HEARTLESS.
UGH.
YOU GUYS ARE HEARTLESS.
UGH.
HERE WE GO.
UGH.
HERE WE GO.
IT'S THE BLONDE FROM EARLIER! HERE WE GO.
IT'S THE BLONDE FROM EARLIER! OH, SHE'S COMING OVER.
IT'S THE BLONDE FROM EARLIER! OH, SHE'S COMING OVER.
OH, NO, NO.
OH, SHE'S COMING OVER.
OH, NO, NO.
SHE THINI'M AT THE MOVIES.
OH, NO, NO.
SHE THINI'M AT THE MOVIES.
OH.
SHE THINI'M AT THE MOVIES.
OH.
KEEP REFERRING TO YOUR GLASS OH.
KEEP REFERRING TO YOUR GLASS EYE.
KEEP REFERRING TO YOUR GLASS EYE.
OH, THIS GLASS EYE IS KILLING EYE.
OH, THIS GLASS EYE IS KILLING ME.
OH, THIS GLASS EYE IS KILLING ME.
THESE LIGHTS ARE ME.
THESE LIGHTS ARE THEY'RE STREAMING.
THESE LIGHTS ARE THEY'RE STREAMING.
I FEEL LIKE A DEER ON THE THEY'RE STREAMING.
I FEEL LIKE A DEER ON THE THROUGHWAY.
I FEEL LIKE A DEER ON THE THROUGHWAY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THROUGHWAY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK AT HIS GLASS EYE! [ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK AT HIS GLASS EYE! YOU KEEP IT IN A LITTLE JAR LOOK AT HIS GLASS EYE! YOU KEEP IT IN A LITTLE JAR BY YOUR BED? YOU KEEP IT IN A LITTLE JAR BY YOUR BED? A MASON JAR, YEAH.
BY YOUR BED? A MASON JAR, YEAH.
IT CAME FROM MY IN-LAWS.
A MASON JAR, YEAH.
IT CAME FROM MY IN-LAWS.
THEY GAVE ME ONE FOR THE IT CAME FROM MY IN-LAWS.
THEY GAVE ME ONE FOR THE WEDDING.
THEY GAVE ME ONE FOR THE WEDDING.
[ LAUGHTER .]
WEDDING.
[ LAUGHTER .]
KEEP MISSING THE GLASS.
IT DOES KILL YOU.
THE GLASS EYE JUST GETS YOU EVERY TIME.
THE GLASS EYE JUST GETS YOU EVERY TIME.
[ LAUGHTER .]
EVERY TIME.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MY GLASS EYE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MY GLASS EYE.
MY WIFE IS HOME SICK WITH MY GLASS EYE.
MY WIFE IS HOME SICK WITH EMPHYSEMA.
MY WIFE IS HOME SICK WITH EMPHYSEMA.
I'M A TRAIN WRECK IS RIGHT.
EMPHYSEMA.
I'M A TRAIN WRECK IS RIGHT.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU, A LIBRA? I'M A TRAIN WRECK IS RIGHT.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU, A LIBRA? [ DING! .]
SO, WHAT ARE YOU, A LIBRA? [ DING! .]
Narrator: Q IS SINGLE BUT [ DING! .]
Narrator: Q IS SINGLE BUT COULDN'T MINGLE, SO HE'S UP ON Narrator: Q IS SINGLE BUT COULDN'T MINGLE, SO HE'S UP ON THE LOSER BOARD.
COULDN'T MINGLE, SO HE'S UP ON THE LOSER BOARD.
TODAY, WE'RE ON THE STREETS THE LOSER BOARD.
TODAY, WE'RE ON THE STREETS TRYING TO BORROW PEOPLE'S TODAY, WE'RE ON THE STREETS TRYING TO BORROW PEOPLE'S CELLPHONES TO MAKE A CALL.
TRYING TO BORROW PEOPLE'S CELLPHONES TO MAKE A CALL.
BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHO WE'RE CELLPHONES TO MAKE A CALL.
BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHO WE'RE CALLING, WHY WE'RE CALLING THEM, BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHO WE'RE CALLING, WHY WE'RE CALLING THEM, OR WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR PHONE.
CALLING, WHY WE'RE CALLING THEM, OR WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR PHONE.
THE OTHER GUYS WILL BE GIVING OR WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR PHONE.
THE OTHER GUYS WILL BE GIVING US THAT INFORMATION ON THESE THE OTHER GUYS WILL BE GIVING US THAT INFORMATION ON THESE CUE CARDS.
IF YOU CAN'T GET THE PERSON TO LEND YOU THEIR PHONE, YOU TO LEND YOU THEIR PHONE, YOU LOSE.
LOSE.
THAT'S IT! BOOM! THAT'S IT! BOOM! SAL, BEFORE WE BEGIN, JUST TO SAL, BEFORE WE BEGIN, JUST TO CHECK THE ODDS OF YOU SUCCEEDING CHECK THE ODDS OF YOU SUCCEEDING HERE -- WOULD YOU EVER LET A HERE -- WOULD YOU EVER LET A STRANGER BORROW YOUR PHONE ON STRANGER BORROW YOUR PHONE ON THE STREET? THE STREET? THEY WOULD HAVE TO BE THEY WOULD HAVE TO BE BLEEDING.
BLEEDING.
BLEEDING, BUT THEN I WOULDN'T WANT TO DO IT, EITHER, BLEEDING, BUT THEN I WOULDN'T WANT TO DO IT, EITHER, SO WOULDN'T WANT TO DO IT, EITHER, SO [ LAUGHTER .]
SO [ LAUGHTER .]
MY MAN, I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK [ LAUGHTER .]
MY MAN, I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK CALL.
MY MAN, I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK CALL.
I GOT TO CALL CALL.
I GOT TO CALL A WHITE GUY NAMED JA'CRISPY.
I GOT TO CALL A WHITE GUY NAMED JA'CRISPY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? A WHITE GUY NAMED JA'CRISPY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? MY WHITE FRIEND.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? MY WHITE FRIEND.
HIS NAME'S JA'CRISPY, THOUGH.
MY WHITE FRIEND.
HIS NAME'S JA'CRISPY, THOUGH.
HIS PARENTS HAVE A GREAT SENSE HIS NAME'S JA'CRISPY, THOUGH.
HIS PARENTS HAVE A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.
HIS PARENTS HAVE A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.
I GOT TO TELL HIM OF HUMOR.
I GOT TO TELL HIM IT'S CUDDLE O'CLOCK.
I GOT TO TELL HIM IT'S CUDDLE O'CLOCK.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING -- IT'S CUDDLE O'CLOCK.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING -- WHY CAN'T I USE MY PHONE? I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING -- WHY CAN'T I USE MY PHONE? I WOULDN'T BE ASKING, BUT WHY CAN'T I USE MY PHONE? I WOULDN'T BE ASKING, BUT VERY SIMPLE.
I WOULDN'T BE ASKING, BUT VERY SIMPLE.
MY PHONE CONVERTED TO JUDAISM.
VERY SIMPLE.
MY PHONE CONVERTED TO JUDAISM.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MY PHONE CONVERTED TO JUDAISM.
[ LAUGHTER .]
CAN I USE YOUR PHONE, MAN? [ LAUGHTER .]
CAN I USE YOUR PHONE, MAN? I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN SO PATIENT CAN I USE YOUR PHONE, MAN? I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN SO PATIENT WITH ME.
MY MAN, I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK CALL.
CALL.
I WOULDN'T BE ASKING, BUT I WOULDN'T BE ASKING, BUT I GOT TO CALL I GOT TO CALL A WHITE GUY NAMED JA'CRISPY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? A WHITE GUY NAMED JA'CRISPY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? [ LAUGHTER .]
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? [ LAUGHTER .]
CAN I USE YOUR PHONE, MAN? NO? [ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
I NAMED MY SON JA'CRISPY -- IS THAT A LIFETIME OF FUN OR A I NAMED MY SON JA'CRISPY -- IS THAT A LIFETIME OF FUN OR A LIFETIME OF AGONY? THAT A LIFETIME OF FUN OR A LIFETIME OF AGONY? THAT'S A MISTAKE.
LIFETIME OF AGONY? THAT'S A MISTAKE.
WHY? THAT'S A MISTAKE.
WHY? NAH.
WHY? NAH.
WHAT IF I CHANGED MY NAME TO NAH.
WHAT IF I CHANGED MY NAME TO JA'CRISPY? WHAT IF I CHANGED MY NAME TO JA'CRISPY? WOULDN'T THAT MAKE YOUR LIFE JA'CRISPY? WOULDN'T THAT MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER? WOULDN'T THAT MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER? JA'CRISPY VULCANO? BETTER? JA'CRISPY VULCANO? [ LAUGHS .]
JA'CRISPY VULCANO? [ LAUGHS .]
I'D BE LIKE [ LAUGHS .]
I'D BE LIKE HOW 'BOUT YOU JUST GO, OKAY? I'D BE LIKE HOW 'BOUT YOU JUST GO, OKAY? ENOUGH WITH THE JA'CRISPY.
HOW 'BOUT YOU JUST GO, OKAY? ENOUGH WITH THE JA'CRISPY.
CALL ME JA'CRISPY AND I'LL ENOUGH WITH THE JA'CRISPY.
CALL ME JA'CRISPY AND I'LL GO.
CALL ME JA'CRISPY AND I'LL GO.
GO AHEAD, JA'CRISPY.
GO.
GO AHEAD, JA'CRISPY.
[ LAUGHS .]
GO AHEAD, JA'CRISPY.
[ LAUGHS .]
HEY, BUD.
[ LAUGHS .]
HEY, BUD.
I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK CALL.
HEY, BUD.
I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK CALL.
IT'S A FUNNY STORY.
I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK CALL.
IT'S A FUNNY STORY.
I GOT TO CALL IT'S A FUNNY STORY.
I GOT TO CALL I'M NOT KIDDING.
I GOT TO CALL I'M NOT KIDDING.
I NEED TO CALL BATMAN.
I'M NOT KIDDING.
I NEED TO CALL BATMAN.
BATMAN? I NEED TO CALL BATMAN.
BATMAN? YEAH.
BATMAN? YEAH.
I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.
YEAH.
I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.
THANK YOU.
I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.
THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ DING! .]
OH, YOU GOT A CELLPHONE.
HEY, BUD, I WAS WONDERING, CAN I HEY, BUD, I WAS WONDERING, CAN I BORROW THE CELLPHONE REAL QUICK? BORROW THE CELLPHONE REAL QUICK? I GOT TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.
I GOT TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.
I GOT TO CALL A PANCAKE.
I GOT TO CALL A PANCAKE.
I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK CALL TO A I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK CALL TO A PANCAKE.
PANCAKE.
NO? NO? YEAH, THAT'S ALL IT WOULD TAKE, REALLY.
YEAH, THAT'S ALL IT WOULD TAKE, REALLY.
I THINK THAT'S FINE.
REALLY.
I THINK THAT'S FINE.
BECAUSE WHO CALLS A [BLEEP.]
I THINK THAT'S FINE.
BECAUSE WHO CALLS A [BLEEP.]
PANCAKE? BECAUSE WHO CALLS A [BLEEP.]
PANCAKE? OH, HI, KIDS.
PANCAKE? OH, HI, KIDS.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
OH, HI, KIDS.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
THERE'S CHILDREN! SORRY ABOUT THAT.
THERE'S CHILDREN! EXCUSE ME, BUD.
THERE'S CHILDREN! EXCUSE ME, BUD.
I WAS WONDERING -- I GOT TO MAKE EXCUSE ME, BUD.
I WAS WONDERING -- I GOT TO MAKE A PHONE CALL, SO COULD YOU HELP I WAS WONDERING -- I GOT TO MAKE A PHONE CALL, SO COULD YOU HELP ME OUT REAL QUICK? A PHONE CALL, SO COULD YOU HELP ME OUT REAL QUICK? I WAS JUST -- I HAVE TO CALL ME OUT REAL QUICK? I WAS JUST -- I HAVE TO CALL A NUN WHO LOVES GUACAMOLE.
I WAS JUST -- I HAVE TO CALL A NUN WHO LOVES GUACAMOLE.
I GOT TO TELL HER A NUN WHO LOVES GUACAMOLE.
I GOT TO TELL HER WELL, SHE'S NOT ANSWERING MY I GOT TO TELL HER WELL, SHE'S NOT ANSWERING MY HATE MAIL.
WELL, SHE'S NOT ANSWERING MY HATE MAIL.
'CAUSE SHE HATES YOU? HATE MAIL.
'CAUSE SHE HATES YOU? WELL, SHE'S A NUN, SHE CAN'T 'CAUSE SHE HATES YOU? WELL, SHE'S A NUN, SHE CAN'T HATE ME.
WELL, SHE'S A NUN, SHE CAN'T HATE ME.
SHE'S JUST NOT ANSWERING MY HATE HATE ME.
SHE'S JUST NOT ANSWERING MY HATE MAIL.
SHE'S JUST NOT ANSWERING MY HATE MAIL.
I HATE HER.
MAIL.
I HATE HER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I HATE HER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M -- I'M GETTING LATE FOR [ LAUGHTER .]
I'M -- I'M GETTING LATE FOR SOMEWHERE.
I'M -- I'M GETTING LATE FOR SOMEWHERE.
OH, BUT CAN I JUST BORROW IT? SOMEWHERE.
OH, BUT CAN I JUST BORROW IT? I CAN WALK WITH -- OH, BUT CAN I JUST BORROW IT? I CAN WALK WITH -- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! I CAN WALK WITH -- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! THANK YOU, BUD.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! THANK YOU, BUD.
LET'S CALL HER.
THANK YOU, BUD.
LET'S CALL HER.
THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
LET'S CALL HER.
THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
WHAT?! [ LAUGHTER .]
WHAT?! IT'S A 212 NUMBER, SO IT'S WHAT?! IT'S A 212 NUMBER, SO IT'S LOCAL.
IT'S A 212 NUMBER, SO IT'S LOCAL.
IT'S 1-212-386 NINER-EIGHT.
LOCAL.
IT'S 1-212-386 NINER-EIGHT.
YOU JUST MADE THIS NUMBER UP! IT'S 1-212-386 NINER-EIGHT.
YOU JUST MADE THIS NUMBER UP! NO, NO.
HIT CALL.
YOU JUST MADE THIS NUMBER UP! NO, NO.
HIT CALL.
JUST HIT CALL.
NO, NO.
HIT CALL.
JUST HIT CALL.
THERE YOU GO.
JUST HIT CALL.
THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU, BOSS.
THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU, BOSS.
YOU JUST MADE IT UP! THANK YOU, BOSS.
YOU JUST MADE IT UP! HEY, SISTER MARGARET MARY, YOU JUST MADE IT UP! HEY, SISTER MARGARET MARY, ANSWER MY HATE MAIL.
HEY, SISTER MARGARET MARY, ANSWER MY HATE MAIL.
[ DING! .]
EXCUSE ME.
SIR, COULD I ASK YOU FOR A SIR, COULD I ASK YOU FOR A FAVOR? FAVOR? I HAVE TO CALL MY PERSONAL I HAVE TO CALL MY PERSONAL TRAINER REAL QUICK, BECAUSE, TRAINER REAL QUICK, BECAUSE, WELL, I HAVE TO TELL HIM, QUITE WELL, I HAVE TO TELL HIM, QUITE FRANKLY FRANKLY JADEN SMITH SAID YES.
JADEN SMITH SAID YES.
JADEN SMITH LOOKED AT ME AND JADEN SMITH LOOKED AT ME AND SAID YES! SAID YES! [ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
AND I LEFT MY PHONE IN THIS AND I LEFT MY PHONE IN THIS SWISS DIPLOMAT'S TOILET.
SWISS DIPLOMAT'S TOILET.
DON'T ASK HOW IT GOT THERE.
DON'T ASK HOW IT GOT THERE.
CAN I USE YOUR PHONE JUST TO CAN I USE YOUR PHONE JUST TO CALL MY PERSONAL TRAINER? CALL MY PERSONAL TRAINER? I CAN? [BLEEP.]
I CAN? [BLEEP.]
NO WAY! NO WAY! OH, YEAH! SON OF A OH, YEAH! SON OF A [ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
SON OF A [ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
HELLO? [ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
HELLO? GREGORIO! HELLO? GREGORIO! [ LAUGHTER .]
GREGORIO! [ LAUGHTER .]
PUT DOWN THOSE WEIGHTS, YOU [ LAUGHTER .]
PUT DOWN THOSE WEIGHTS, YOU SO-AND-SO! PUT DOWN THOSE WEIGHTS, YOU SO-AND-SO! JADEN SMITH SAID YES! SO-AND-SO! JADEN SMITH SAID YES! ALL RIGHT, JERK.
JADEN SMITH SAID YES! ALL RIGHT, JERK.
WE GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT, JERK.
WE GOT IT.
[ LAUGHS .]
WE GOT IT.
[ LAUGHS .]
ALL RIGHT, COOL.
[ LAUGHS .]
ALL RIGHT, COOL.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT, COOL.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD GET A [ LAUGHTER .]
I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD GET A FAVOR FROM YOU GUYS? I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD GET A FAVOR FROM YOU GUYS? YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE YOU MIGHT BE FAVOR FROM YOU GUYS? YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP.
YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP.
I HAVE TO CALL SOMEONE.
ABLE TO HELP.
I HAVE TO CALL SOMEONE.
I HAVE TO CALL MY CORONER.
I HAVE TO CALL SOMEONE.
I HAVE TO CALL MY CORONER.
[ LAUGHS .]
I HAVE TO CALL MY CORONER.
[ LAUGHS .]
I KNOW THIS SOUNDS A LITTLE [ LAUGHS .]
I KNOW THIS SOUNDS A LITTLE WEIRD.
I KNOW THIS SOUNDS A LITTLE WEIRD.
I HAVE TO TELL HIM THAT I'M WEIRD.
I HAVE TO TELL HIM THAT I'M OH, GOD, SAL.
I HAVE TO TELL HIM THAT I'M OH, GOD, SAL.
YOU GOT TO SAY IT, Q.
OH, GOD, SAL.
YOU GOT TO SAY IT, Q.
I HAVE TO TELL HIM HE DID A YOU GOT TO SAY IT, Q.
I HAVE TO TELL HIM HE DID A GOOD JOB ON MY GRANDMOTHER.
I HAVE TO TELL HIM HE DID A GOOD JOB ON MY GRANDMOTHER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
GOOD JOB ON MY GRANDMOTHER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HAVE A GOOD DAY, GUYS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HAVE A GOOD DAY, GUYS.
SORRY.
SORRY.
HAVE A GOOD DAY, GUYS.
SORRY.
SORRY.
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU GUYS.
SORRY.
SORRY.
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU GUYS.
SORRY.
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU GUYS.
SORRY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SORRY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
STARTING A RACIST COVER BAND? [ LAUGHTER .]
STARTING A RACIST COVER BAND? [ BUZZER .]
EXCUSE ME, GUYS.
I'M AT A LOSS, HERE.
I'M AT A LOSS, HERE.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET SOMEBODY, I WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET SOMEBODY, AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL THEM, AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL THEM, BUT MY PHONE IS GONE.
BUT MY PHONE IS GONE.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL YOUR I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL YOUR MOTHER.
MOTHER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
AND THE REASON WHY IS I WAS AND THE REASON WHY IS I WAS GOING TO TELL HER THAT, UH GOING TO TELL HER THAT, UH THAT SHE'S GOT TO CHECK THE THAT SHE'S GOT TO CHECK THE RANSOM.
YEAH.
RANSOM.
YEAH.
I WAS GONNA CALL YOUR MOM ABOUT YEAH.
I WAS GONNA CALL YOUR MOM ABOUT THE RANSOM, AND, UH I WAS GONNA CALL YOUR MOM ABOUT THE RANSOM, AND, UH MAKES IT SOUND LIKE HE'S THE RANSOM, AND, UH MAKES IT SOUND LIKE HE'S GONNA KIDNAP THEM.
MAKES IT SOUND LIKE HE'S GONNA KIDNAP THEM.
[ LAUGHTER .]
GONNA KIDNAP THEM.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE TAKEN.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE TAKEN.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE TAKEN.
[ LAUGHTER .]
'CAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE [ LAUGHTER .]
'CAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE TAKEN.
'CAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE TAKEN.
I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC SET OF TAKEN.
I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC SET OF SKILLS.
I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC SET OF SKILLS.
I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC SET OF SKILLS.
I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC SET OF SKILLS.
I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC SET OF SKILLS.
THERE'S NO REASON TO BACK AWAY.
SKILLS.
THERE'S NO REASON TO BACK AWAY.
I'M NOT THE ONE TAKING YOU.
THERE'S NO REASON TO BACK AWAY.
I'M NOT THE ONE TAKING YOU.
I'M GONNA BE THE ONE THAT I'M NOT THE ONE TAKING YOU.
I'M GONNA BE THE ONE THAT RECOVERS YOU.
YOU GONNA PASS ON THE PHONE CALL? CALL? OKAY.
NO PROBLEM.
OKAY.
NO PROBLEM.
THEY'RE RUNNING! THEY'RE RUNNING! THAT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME A WOMAN'S RUN FROM MURRAY.
THAT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME A WOMAN'S RUN FROM MURRAY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
WOMAN'S RUN FROM MURRAY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.
FUNNY, CRAZY THING -- I'M TRYING I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.
FUNNY, CRAZY THING -- I'M TRYING TO -- I HAVE TO MAKE A PHONE FUNNY, CRAZY THING -- I'M TRYING TO -- I HAVE TO MAKE A PHONE CALL, RIGHT? TO -- I HAVE TO MAKE A PHONE CALL, RIGHT? I'M TRYING TO CALL AEROSMITH.
CALL, RIGHT? I'M TRYING TO CALL AEROSMITH.
YOU KNOW THEM, RIGHT? I'M TRYING TO CALL AEROSMITH.
YOU KNOW THEM, RIGHT? I'M TRYING TO CALL AEROSMITH, YOU KNOW THEM, RIGHT? I'M TRYING TO CALL AEROSMITH, AND I GOT TO CALL THEM QUICK I'M TRYING TO CALL AEROSMITH, AND I GOT TO CALL THEM QUICK BECAUSE I AND I GOT TO CALL THEM QUICK BECAUSE I I NEED TO CURSE THEM OUT.
BECAUSE I I NEED TO CURSE THEM OUT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I NEED TO CURSE THEM OUT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THE PROBLEM IS, I LEFT MY [ LAUGHTER .]
THE PROBLEM IS, I LEFT MY PHONE THE PROBLEM IS, I LEFT MY PHONE CAUGHT BETWEEN THE MO-- PHONE CAUGHT BETWEEN THE MO-- [ LAUGHS .]
MY PHONE YOU KNOW WHERE I LEFT MY PHONE? YOU KNOW WHERE I LEFT MY PHONE? LET ME TELL YOU LET ME TELL YOU JUST TAKE IT, YOU IDIOT! JUST TAKE IT, YOU IDIOT! DO YOU MIND IF I CALL THEM? DO YOU MIND IF I CALL THEM? I'M GONNA CALL -- OKAY.
I'M GONNA CALL -- OKAY.
THANK YOU, MAN.
THANK YOU, MAN.
YOU ARE A GENTLEMAN.
YOU ARE A GENTLEMAN.
UH, YES, MR.
TYLER? YEAH [BLEEP.]
YOU, TYLER.
UH, YES, MR.
TYLER? YEAH [BLEEP.]
YOU, TYLER.
[ DING! .]
YEAH [BLEEP.]
YOU, TYLER.
[ DING! .]
Narrator: Q COULDN'T DIAL UP [ DING! .]
Narrator: Q COULDN'T DIAL UP A WIN, MAKING HIM TONIGHT'S BIG Narrator: Q COULDN'T DIAL UP A WIN, MAKING HIM TONIGHT'S BIG LOSER.
A WIN, MAKING HIM TONIGHT'S BIG LOSER.
ONCE UPON A TIME, Q LOST.
LOSER.
ONCE UPON A TIME, Q LOST.
TODAY, WE'RE AT THE ONCE UPON A TIME, Q LOST.
TODAY, WE'RE AT THE BROOKLYN CHILDREN'S MUSEUM, AND TODAY, WE'RE AT THE BROOKLYN CHILDREN'S MUSEUM, AND IT'S STORY TIME.
BROOKLYN CHILDREN'S MUSEUM, AND IT'S STORY TIME.
EVERY WEEK, PARENTS BRING IT'S STORY TIME.
EVERY WEEK, PARENTS BRING THEIR KIDS TO HEAR A CHILDREN'S EVERY WEEK, PARENTS BRING THEIR KIDS TO HEAR A CHILDREN'S AUTHOR READ THEIR LATEST WORK.
THEIR KIDS TO HEAR A CHILDREN'S AUTHOR READ THEIR LATEST WORK.
TODAY, BUDDY, YOU'RE GONNA BE AUTHOR READ THEIR LATEST WORK.
TODAY, BUDDY, YOU'RE GONNA BE READING YOUR CHILDREN'S BOOK, TODAY, BUDDY, YOU'RE GONNA BE READING YOUR CHILDREN'S BOOK, BASED ON YOUR VERY OWN LIFE, READING YOUR CHILDREN'S BOOK, BASED ON YOUR VERY OWN LIFE, THAT WE ALL WROTE.
BASED ON YOUR VERY OWN LIFE, THAT WE ALL WROTE.
I HAVE A FEELING I WON'T BE THAT WE ALL WROTE.
I HAVE A FEELING I WON'T BE LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
I HAVE A FEELING I WON'T BE LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
NO, DEFINITELY NOT.
LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
NO, DEFINITELY NOT.
THE END, BITCH.
NO, DEFINITELY NOT.
THE END, BITCH.
THESE MOMMIES ARE VERY THE END, BITCH.
THESE MOMMIES ARE VERY EXCITED TO SPEND SOME QUALITY THESE MOMMIES ARE VERY EXCITED TO SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH THEIR KIDS.
EXCITED TO SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH THEIR KIDS.
YOU KNOW, TO MEET A NEW AUTHOR.
TIME WITH THEIR KIDS.
YOU KNOW, TO MEET A NEW AUTHOR.
THEN COMES IN OUR FRIEND IN THE YOU KNOW, TO MEET A NEW AUTHOR.
THEN COMES IN OUR FRIEND IN THE VELOUR JACKET.
THEN COMES IN OUR FRIEND IN THE VELOUR JACKET.
HI, EVERYBODY.
VELOUR JACKET.
HI, EVERYBODY.
HI! HI, EVERYBODY.
HI! HOW ARE YOU, GUYS? HI! HOW ARE YOU, GUYS? I'M BRIAN QUINN, AND I HAVE MY HOW ARE YOU, GUYS? I'M BRIAN QUINN, AND I HAVE MY BOOK CALLED "THE REMARKABLE MISADVENTURES OF Q THE DUNG BEETLE.
" Q THE DUNG BEETLE.
" IT'S BASED ON MY ACTUAL LIFE, IT'S BASED ON MY ACTUAL LIFE, WHICH I FIND IS ALWAYS THE BEST INSPIRATION.
WHICH I FIND IS ALWAYS THE BEST INSPIRATION.
[ LAUGHTER .]
INSPIRATION.
[ LAUGHTER .]
"MEET Q THE DUNG BEETLE! [ LAUGHTER .]
"MEET Q THE DUNG BEETLE! HE LOVES SUPERHEROES AND TACOS.
" "MEET Q THE DUNG BEETLE! HE LOVES SUPERHEROES AND TACOS.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
HE LOVES SUPERHEROES AND TACOS.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
"Q WAS THE SILLIEST DUNG BEETLE [ LAUGHTER .]
"Q WAS THE SILLIEST DUNG BEETLE IN ALL THE LAND.
"Q WAS THE SILLIEST DUNG BEETLE IN ALL THE LAND.
'I MAY BE A BEETLE, BUT I'M A IN ALL THE LAND.
'I MAY BE A BEETLE, BUT I'M A SILLY GOOSE.
'" 'I MAY BE A BEETLE, BUT I'M A SILLY GOOSE.
'" [ LAUGHTER .]
YEAH, HE'S A SILLY GOOSE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THEY LOVE IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THEY LOVE IT.
"BUT Q WAS OFTEN TOO SILLY THEY LOVE IT.
"BUT Q WAS OFTEN TOO SILLY FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
" "BUT Q WAS OFTEN TOO SILLY FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
" UH-OH.
FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
" UH-OH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
UH-OH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
RUMBLINGS OF A PROBLEM.
"THE REMARKABLE MISADVENTURES OF Q THE DUNG BEETLE.
" IT'S BASED ON MY ACTUAL LIFE.
OF Q THE DUNG BEETLE.
" IT'S BASED ON MY ACTUAL LIFE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
IT'S BASED ON MY ACTUAL LIFE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
"Q WAS OFTEN TOO SILLY FOR HIS [ LAUGHTER .]
"Q WAS OFTEN TOO SILLY FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
" "Q WAS OFTEN TOO SILLY FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
" UH-OH.
OWN GOOD.
" UH-OH.
"DURING AN IMPORTANT WORK UH-OH.
"DURING AN IMPORTANT WORK MEETING, HE KNOCKED OVER HIS "DURING AN IMPORTANT WORK MEETING, HE KNOCKED OVER HIS GLASS OF WATER.
MEETING, HE KNOCKED OVER HIS GLASS OF WATER.
'TIDAL WAVE!' HE GUFFAWED.
GLASS OF WATER.
'TIDAL WAVE!' HE GUFFAWED.
'THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER,' 'TIDAL WAVE!' HE GUFFAWED.
'THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER,' SAID Q's BOSS, MR.
GRASSHOPPER.
'THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER,' SAID Q's BOSS, MR.
GRASSHOPPER.
THE COMPANY'S HEMORRHAGING SAID Q's BOSS, MR.
GRASSHOPPER.
THE COMPANY'S HEMORRHAGING MONEY.
'" THE COMPANY'S HEMORRHAGING MONEY.
'" LOOK AT THIS LITTLE GIRL.
MONEY.
'" LOOK AT THIS LITTLE GIRL.
SHE KNOWS SOMETHING'S UP.
LOOK AT THIS LITTLE GIRL.
SHE KNOWS SOMETHING'S UP.
"'HEY, MR.
GRASSHOPPER, DON'T SHE KNOWS SOMETHING'S UP.
"'HEY, MR.
GRASSHOPPER, DON'T BUG OUT!' Q SQUELCHED.
"'HEY, MR.
GRASSHOPPER, DON'T BUG OUT!' Q SQUELCHED.
'WIPE THAT [BLEEP.]
DAMN SMIRK BUG OUT!' Q SQUELCHED.
'WIPE THAT [BLEEP.]
DAMN SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE,' SAID 'WIPE THAT [BLEEP.]
DAMN SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE,' SAID MR.
GRASSHOPPER.
" OFF YOUR FACE,' SAID MR.
GRASSHOPPER.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
MR.
GRASSHOPPER.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
"'SECURITY, PLEASE ESCORT [ LAUGHTER .]
"'SECURITY, PLEASE ESCORT Q THE DUNG BEETLE OUT OF THE "'SECURITY, PLEASE ESCORT Q THE DUNG BEETLE OUT OF THE BUILDING.
Q THE DUNG BEETLE OUT OF THE BUILDING.
GOOD LUCK LIVING WITH BUILDING.
GOOD LUCK LIVING WITH YOURSELF.
'" GOOD LUCK LIVING WITH YOURSELF.
'" OH, MY GOD.
YOURSELF.
'" OH, MY GOD.
OH.
OH, MY GOD.
OH.
OH.
OH.
OH.
"THINGS ALSO BEGAN SPIRALING OUT OH.
"THINGS ALSO BEGAN SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL AT HOME.
" "THINGS ALSO BEGAN SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL AT HOME.
" THEY'RE ABOUT TO LEARN ABOUT OF CONTROL AT HOME.
" THEY'RE ABOUT TO LEARN ABOUT TWO HARSH WORDS -- THEY'RE ABOUT TO LEARN ABOUT TWO HARSH WORDS -- DOMESTIC DISPUTE.
TWO HARSH WORDS -- DOMESTIC DISPUTE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
DOMESTIC DISPUTE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
"'YOU'RE PROJECTING YOUR [ LAUGHTER .]
"'YOU'RE PROJECTING YOUR INSECURITIES ONTO ME,' SAID Q's "'YOU'RE PROJECTING YOUR INSECURITIES ONTO ME,' SAID Q's WIFE.
INSECURITIES ONTO ME,' SAID Q's WIFE.
SHE SWIPED UP A VASE AND LUNGED WIFE.
SHE SWIPED UP A VASE AND LUNGED INTO THE SHEETROCK.
SHE SWIPED UP A VASE AND LUNGED INTO THE SHEETROCK.
SHATTERED CERAMIC LITTERED THE INTO THE SHEETROCK.
SHATTERED CERAMIC LITTERED THE CARPET.
" SHATTERED CERAMIC LITTERED THE CARPET.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
CARPET.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
"'I'M LEAVING YOU, [ LAUGHTER .]
"'I'M LEAVING YOU, Q THE DUNG BEETLE.
'" "'I'M LEAVING YOU, Q THE DUNG BEETLE.
'" OH, NO.
Q THE DUNG BEETLE.
'" OH, NO.
NOW [BLEEP.]
REALLY HITTING THE OH, NO.
NOW [BLEEP.]
REALLY HITTING THE FAN.
NOW [BLEEP.]
REALLY HITTING THE FAN.
"Q PEERED OVER TO FIND THE FAN.
"Q PEERED OVER TO FIND THE CHILDREN COWERING AT WHAT THEY "Q PEERED OVER TO FIND THE CHILDREN COWERING AT WHAT THEY HAD WITNESSED.
CHILDREN COWERING AT WHAT THEY HAD WITNESSED.
'YOUR MOTHER'S A GOLD DUNGER.
'" HAD WITNESSED.
'YOUR MOTHER'S A GOLD DUNGER.
'" [ LAUGHTER .]
'YOUR MOTHER'S A GOLD DUNGER.
'" [ LAUGHTER .]
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, IT'S GONNA GET [ LAUGHTER .]
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, IT'S GONNA GET BETTER.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, IT'S GONNA GET BETTER.
NO, IT'S NOT! BETTER.
NO, IT'S NOT! [ LAUGHTER .]
"'HOW MUCH?'" EXPLAIN THAT.
OH, NO.
EXPLAIN THAT.
OH, NO.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS OH, NO.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS HE'S -- HE'S -- HE IS ALONE.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS HE'S -- HE'S -- HE IS ALONE.
THERE'S, LIKE, UNCOMFORTABLE HE'S -- HE'S -- HE IS ALONE.
THERE'S, LIKE, UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER.
THERE'S, LIKE, UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER.
SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW LAUGHTER.
SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW EVEN DUNG BEETLES NEED SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW EVEN DUNG BEETLES NEED COMPANIONS.
EVEN DUNG BEETLES NEED COMPANIONS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
COMPANIONS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HE IS SWEATING.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HE IS SWEATING.
OH.
HE IS SWEATING.
OH.
"Q ATE MICROWAVE DINNER OVER THE OH.
"Q ATE MICROWAVE DINNER OVER THE KITCHEN SINK.
" "Q ATE MICROWAVE DINNER OVER THE KITCHEN SINK.
" LOOK AT THE BLOODSHOT EYES.
KITCHEN SINK.
" LOOK AT THE BLOODSHOT EYES.
DRINKING BEER! LOOK AT THE BLOODSHOT EYES.
DRINKING BEER! DRINKING BEER? YEAH.
DRINKING BEER! DRINKING BEER? YEAH.
THE RED EYES ARE FROM DRINKING DRINKING BEER? YEAH.
THE RED EYES ARE FROM DRINKING BEER.
THE RED EYES ARE FROM DRINKING BEER.
YOU'RE VERY ASTUTE.
BEER.
YOU'RE VERY ASTUTE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU'RE VERY ASTUTE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK AT THE PARENTS! [ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK AT THE PARENTS! NOW, WHAT DOES EVERY LOOK AT THE PARENTS! NOW, WHAT DOES EVERY CHILDREN'S STORY HAVE? NOW, WHAT DOES EVERY CHILDREN'S STORY HAVE? NOW, WHAT DOES EVERY CHILDREN'S STORY HAVE? NOW, WHAT DOES EVERY CHILDREN'S STORY HAVE? NOW, WHAT DOES EVERY CHILDREN'S STORY HAVE? A HAPPY ENDING! CHILDREN'S STORY HAVE? A HAPPY ENDING! THAT'S RIGHT! A HAPPY ENDING! THAT'S RIGHT! [ LAUGHTER .]
SO, WHAT DID YOU GUYS LEARN FROM THE BOOK? FROM THE BOOK? DID ANYBODY LEARN ANY LESSONS DID ANYBODY LEARN ANY LESSONS FROM THE BOOK? FROM THE BOOK? YES? THAT'S RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY.
YEAH! YEAH! Q THE CHILDREN'S AUTHOR! Q THE CHILDREN'S AUTHOR! THAT WAS A HAPPY ENDING FOR
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
[ LAUGHS .]
LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
[ LAUGHS .]
Narrator: HAS Q FOUND HIS [ LAUGHS .]
Narrator: HAS Q FOUND HIS SOUL MATE? Narrator: HAS Q FOUND HIS SOUL MATE? HE SAID YES! SOUL MATE? HE SAID YES! [ LAUGHS .]
HE SAID YES! [ LAUGHS .]
Narrator: AND WHAT HAS [ LAUGHS .]
Narrator: AND WHAT HAS TONIGHT'S BIG LOSER TURNING Narrator: AND WHAT HAS TONIGHT'S BIG LOSER TURNING STORY TIME INTO SCARY TIME? TONIGHT'S BIG LOSER TURNING STORY TIME INTO SCARY TIME? [ LAUGHTER .]
STORY TIME INTO SCARY TIME? [ LAUGHTER .]
PREPARE FOR SOMETHING [ LAUGHTER .]
PREPARE FOR SOMETHING AMAZING.
PREPARE FOR SOMETHING AMAZING.
HEY, MUSTACHE, WHAT'S UP? AMAZING.
HEY, MUSTACHE, WHAT'S UP? [ LAUGHTER .]
HEY, MUSTACHE, WHAT'S UP? [ LAUGHTER .]
I WANT MY MOMMY! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WANT MY MOMMY! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WANT MY MOMMY! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! LARRY! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! LARRY! [ LAUGHTER .]
LARRY! [ LAUGHTER .]
TONIGHT WE'RE AT THE [ LAUGHTER .]
TONIGHT WE'RE AT THE SEVEN IN HEAVEN AT THE BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT WE'RE AT THE SEVEN IN HEAVEN AT THE BEAUTIFUL LONG BEACH HOTEL.
SEVEN IN HEAVEN AT THE BEAUTIFUL LONG BEACH HOTEL.
AND WE'RE HERE FOR ONE LONG BEACH HOTEL.
AND WE'RE HERE FOR ONE REASON -- TO EMBARRASS OURSELVES AND WE'RE HERE FOR ONE REASON -- TO EMBARRASS OURSELVES IN FRONT OF SINGLES.
REASON -- TO EMBARRASS OURSELVES IN FRONT OF SINGLES.
WHILE MINGLING WITH THE IN FRONT OF SINGLES.
WHILE MINGLING WITH THE LOVELY PEOPLE OF LONG BEACH, WHILE MINGLING WITH THE LOVELY PEOPLE OF LONG BEACH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO AND SAY LOVELY PEOPLE OF LONG BEACH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO AND SAY WHATEVER THE OTHER GUYS WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO AND SAY WHATEVER THE OTHER GUYS TELL US TO.
AND IF YOU REFUSE ANYTHING YOU'RE TOLD, YOU'LL LOSE AND YOU YOU'RE TOLD, YOU'LL LOSE AND YOU DIE ALONE.
DIE ALONE.
LET'S GET IT, BOYS.
LET'S GET IT, BOYS.
WHAT? THIS IS ACTUALLY A JUMPIN' EVENT.
EVENT.
ALL RIGHT, BOYS.
ALL RIGHT, BOYS.
HERE YOU GO, BUDDY.
HERE YOU GO, BUDDY.
YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOUR SOUL YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOUR SOUL MATE.
MATE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
INTIMIDATING, TO SAY THE INTIMIDATING, TO SAY THE LEAST.
LEAST.
ON THE PROWL, SAL VULCANO.
ON THE PROWL, SAL VULCANO.
HAVEN'T SEEN THIS SINCE COLLEGE.
HAVEN'T SEEN THIS SINCE COLLEGE.
BE GENTLE WITH ME.
BE GENTLE WITH ME.
I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW, I I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW, I PROMISE.
PROMISE.
HOW YOU DOING, BUD? HOW YOU DOING, BUD? HOW ARE YOU? HOW ARE YOU? CHEERS.
CHEERS.
SAL.
SAL.
NICE TO MEET YOU, LARRY.
NICE TO MEET YOU, LARRY.
WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN? WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN? LARRY.
LARRY.
MY FRIEND JOE WAS LOOKING FOR MY FRIEND JOE WAS LOOKING FOR YOU.
YOU.
MY FRIEND WAS LOOKING FOR MY FRIEND WAS LOOKING FOR YOU BEFORE.
YOU BEFORE.
YEAH, THE TICKET LINE, HE WAS YEAH, THE TICKET LINE, HE WAS LOOKING FOR YOU AT THE LOOKING FOR YOU AT THE SUPERMARKET.
SUPERMARKET.
HE WAS LOOKING FOR YOU AT THE HE WAS LOOKING FOR YOU AT THE SHOE STORE.
SHOE STORE.
HE COULDN'T FIND YOU ANYWHERE.
HE COULDN'T FIND YOU ANYWHERE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
GET IN THERE, LARRY.
GET IN THERE, LARRY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
HOW YOU DOING? HOW YOU DOING? WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S GOING ON? TO MINGLE.
TO MINGLE.
SAL, GET REALLY OVEREMOTIONAL SAL, GET REALLY OVEREMOTIONAL WITH EVERYTHING.
WITH EVERYTHING.
YOU BIG CRYBABY.
YOU BIG CRYBABY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
WEDNESDAY'S -- WEDNESDAY'S MY WEDNESDAY'S -- WEDNESDAY'S MY FAVORITE DAY.
FAVORITE DAY.
IT'S, LIKE, PEOPLE CALL IT HUMP IT'S, LIKE, PEOPLE CALL IT HUMP DAY LIKE IT'S A BAD THING.
DAY LIKE IT'S A BAD THING.
HE'S GETTING EMOTIONAL ABOUT HE'S GETTING EMOTIONAL ABOUT WEDNESDAYS.
BUT I JUST THINK, LIKE, IT'S WEDNESDAYS.
BUT I JUST THINK, LIKE, IT'S LIKE THE BEST DAY, 'CAUSE BUT I JUST THINK, LIKE, IT'S LIKE THE BEST DAY, 'CAUSE EVERYBODY LOVES FRIDAY, LIKE THE BEST DAY, 'CAUSE EVERYBODY LOVES FRIDAY, SATURDAY, AND SUNDAY.
EVERYBODY LOVES FRIDAY, SATURDAY, AND SUNDAY.
EVERYBODY HAS FEELINGS ABOUT SATURDAY, AND SUNDAY.
EVERYBODY HAS FEELINGS ABOUT MONDAY.
EVERYBODY HAS FEELINGS ABOUT MONDAY.
BUT PEOPLE FORGET ABOUT MONDAY.
BUT PEOPLE FORGET ABOUT WEDNESDAY.
BUT PEOPLE FORGET ABOUT WEDNESDAY.
ARE YOU GETTING SENTIMENTAL WEDNESDAY.
ARE YOU GETTING SENTIMENTAL ON ME? ARE YOU GETTING SENTIMENTAL ON ME? [ LAUGHTER .]
ON ME? [ LAUGHTER .]
I JUST -- I JUST THINK [ LAUGHTER .]
I JUST -- I JUST THINK WEDNESDAY'S THE TOPS.
I JUST -- I JUST THINK WEDNESDAY'S THE TOPS.
OH, MY GOD.
WEDNESDAY'S THE TOPS.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE CRYING OVER WEDNESDAY.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE CRYING OVER WEDNESDAY.
THAT'S CRAZY.
YOU'RE CRYING OVER WEDNESDAY.
THAT'S CRAZY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THAT'S CRAZY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I MUST BE EXTRA EMOTIONAL.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I MUST BE EXTRA EMOTIONAL.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, RIGHT.
START CRYING ABOUT IT.
SAY NO AND START CRYING.
START CRYING ABOUT IT.
SAY NO AND START CRYING.
I-I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T SAY NO AND START CRYING.
I-I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T [ SOBS .]
I-I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T [ SOBS .]
I AM SUFFERING OUT HERE.
[ SOBS .]
I AM SUFFERING OUT HERE.
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS TOUGH.
I AM SUFFERING OUT HERE.
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS TOUGH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS TOUGH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I SHOULD PROBABLY BE IN [ LAUGHTER .]
I SHOULD PROBABLY BE IN THERAPY.
I SHOULD PROBABLY BE IN THERAPY.
I GOT, LIKE, VOICES IN MY HEAD.
THERAPY.
I GOT, LIKE, VOICES IN MY HEAD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M GREAT.
NO, YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.
NO, YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
THAT'S THE NICEST WOMAN ON THAT'S THE NICEST WOMAN ON LONG ISLAND! LONG ISLAND! HEY, HOW ARE YOU? HEY, HOW ARE YOU? JENNIFER.
JENNIFER.
HOW'S EVERYTHING? HOW'S EVERYTHING? GOOD, GOOD.
GOOD, GOOD.
ANYONE EVER TELL YOU YOU'RE THE SPITTING IMAGE OF ANYONE EVER TELL YOU YOU'RE THE SPITTING IMAGE OF VANESSA WILLIAMS? THE SPITTING IMAGE OF VANESSA WILLIAMS? [ LAUGHTER .]
VANESSA WILLIAMS? [ LAUGHTER .]
ANYONE EVER TELL YOU YOU'RE [ LAUGHTER .]
ANYONE EVER TELL YOU YOU'RE THE SPITTING IMAGE OF ANYONE EVER TELL YOU YOU'RE THE SPITTING IMAGE OF VANESSA WILLIAMS? THE SPITTING IMAGE OF VANESSA WILLIAMS? VAN-- [ LAUGHS .]
VANESSA WILLIAMS? VAN-- [ LAUGHS .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
VAN-- [ LAUGHS .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
NO, BUT JUST THE FEATURES.
[ LAUGHTER .]
NO, BUT JUST THE FEATURES.
[ LAUGHS .]
NO, BUT JUST THE FEATURES.
[ LAUGHS .]
MAN, I'D LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU [ LAUGHS .]
MAN, I'D LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
MAN, I'D LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MAN, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE WHAT [ LAUGHTER .]
MAN, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
MAN, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU LOOK LIKE IN A BURKA.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW [ LAUGHTER .]
SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME RIGHT OFF THE TOP.
SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME RIGHT OFF THE TOP.
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD ABOUT ME RIGHT OFF THE TOP.
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME RIGHT OFF THE TOP.
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME RIGHT OFF THE TOP.
I ONLY DO KISSES TILL KNOW ABOUT ME RIGHT OFF THE TOP.
I ONLY DO KISSES TILL MARRIAGE.
I ONLY DO KISSES TILL MARRIAGE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MARRIAGE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I ONLY DO KISSES UNTIL [ LAUGHTER .]
I ONLY DO KISSES UNTIL MARRIAGE.
I ONLY DO KISSES UNTIL MARRIAGE.
[ LAUGHS .]
MARRIAGE.
[ LAUGHS .]
THE VAGINA.
[ LAUGHS .]
THE VAGINA.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THE VAGINA.
[ LAUGHTER .]
UH [ LAUGHTER .]
UH THE -- THE VAGINA.
UH THE -- THE VAGINA.
[ LAUGHS .]
THE -- THE VAGINA.
[ LAUGHS .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
YEAH.
UNTIL MARRIAGE.
UNTIL MARRIAGE.
I MEAN, AND I AM STRICT WITH I MEAN, AND I AM STRICT WITH THAT.
THAT.
[ DING! .]
[ DING! .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
THERE HE IS.
THERE HE IS.
LOOK AT THIS HANDSOME SON OF LOOK AT THIS HANDSOME SON OF A BITCH.
A BITCH.
LOOK AT HIM.
LOOK AT HIM.
HE'S PARTING THE SEA OF SINGLES.
HE'S PARTING THE SEA OF SINGLES.
YEAH.
YEAH.
I NEED A DRINK.
I NEED A DRINK.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
HOW ARE YOU? HOW ARE YOU? GOOD, GOOD.
GOOD, GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU? HOW ARE YOU? WHILE YOU'RE TALKING TO THIS WHILE YOU'RE TALKING TO THIS LADY, KEEP CHECKING YOURSELF TO LADY, KEEP CHECKING YOURSELF TO SEE IF YOU HAVE B.
O.
SEE IF YOU HAVE B.
O.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
WHAT WAS YOUR NAME? WHAT WAS YOUR NAME? IRENE! IRENE! [ SNIFFS .]
[ SNIFFS .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M JUST CHECKING IF I PUT I'M JUST CHECKING IF I PUT ENOUGH DEODORANT ON, YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER .]
ENOUGH DEODORANT ON, YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Q, TWIRL YOUR HAIR.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Q, TWIRL YOUR HAIR.
[ LAUGHTER .]
Q, TWIRL YOUR HAIR.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, YEAH? [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, YEAH? LOOK AT THAT FACE! OH, YEAH? LOOK AT THAT FACE! WHAT'S UP? THIS GUY'S [BLEEP.]
BLOCKING YOU! [ LAUGHTER .]
YOU! [ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
WHAT?! [ LAUGHTER .]
WHAT?! HE GOT BOXED OUT! WHAT?! HE GOT BOXED OUT! IT'S PRISON RULES OUT THERE! HE GOT BOXED OUT! IT'S PRISON RULES OUT THERE! THANKS FOR [BLEEP.]
BLOCKING IT'S PRISON RULES OUT THERE! THANKS FOR [BLEEP.]
BLOCKING ME, BRO.
THANKS FOR [BLEEP.]
BLOCKING ME, BRO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
ME, BRO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MAN.
[ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MAN.
HI.
MY NAME'S BRIAN.
AMANDA? OHH, OKAY.
OHH, OKAY.
YOU KNOW YOU DON'T NEED TO YOU KNOW YOU DON'T NEED TO REFRIGERATE MAYO, RIGHT? REFRIGERATE MAYO, RIGHT? [ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU KNOW YOU DON'T NEED TO YOU KNOW YOU DON'T NEED TO REFRIGERATE MAYO? REFRIGERATE MAYO? DID YOU KNOW THAT? DID YOU KNOW THAT? YEAH.
YEAH.
Q, JUST KEEP TALKING ABOUT MAYO, BUD.
Q, JUST KEEP TALKING ABOUT MAYO, BUD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MAYO, BUD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON [ LAUGHTER .]
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON EVERYTHING, NOT JUST SANDWICHES.
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON EVERYTHING, NOT JUST SANDWICHES.
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON, LIKE, EVERYTHING, NOT JUST SANDWICHES.
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON, LIKE, SHRIMP.
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON, LIKE, SHRIMP.
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON, LIKE, SHRIMP.
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON, LIKE, PIZZA.
WE USED TO PUT MAYO ON, LIKE, PIZZA.
NO, THANK YOU, MA'AM.
PIZZA.
NO, THANK YOU, MA'AM.
DO YOU HAVE ANY MAYO FOR NO, THANK YOU, MA'AM.
DO YOU HAVE ANY MAYO FOR THAT, ACTUALLY? DO YOU HAVE ANY MAYO FOR THAT, ACTUALLY? [ LAUGHTER .]
THAT, ACTUALLY? [ LAUGHTER .]
DO YOU HAVE ANY MAYO YOU COULD [ LAUGHTER .]
DO YOU HAVE ANY MAYO YOU COULD THROW ON THAT? DO YOU HAVE ANY MAYO YOU COULD THROW ON THAT? YEAH, IF YOU COULD GRAB SOME THROW ON THAT? YEAH, IF YOU COULD GRAB SOME MAYO, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
YEAH, IF YOU COULD GRAB SOME MAYO, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
THANK YOU.
MAYO, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SHE'S DOING "HELP ME" EYES.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SHE'S DOING "HELP ME" EYES.
WHAT DO YOU DO? SHE'S DOING "HELP ME" EYES.
WHAT DO YOU DO? BOR-RING! WHAT DO YOU DO? BOR-RING! [ LAUGHTER .]
BOR-RING! [ LAUGHTER .]
SO, IF I RAN OVER MY FRIENDS [ LAUGHTER .]
SO, IF I RAN OVER MY FRIENDS WITH A CAR SO, IF I RAN OVER MY FRIENDS WITH A CAR YEAH! WITH A CAR YEAH! YOU COULD INSURE THAT? YEAH! YOU COULD INSURE THAT? [ BUZZER .]
I'M JAMES.
NICE TO MEET YOU, LINDA.
NICE TO MEET YOU, LINDA.
LINDA.
HI.
LINDA.
HI.
PLEASURE.
PLEASURE.
WHERE YOU FROM? WHERE YOU FROM? MERRICK? OH, SURE.
MERRICK? OH, SURE.
I USED TO DATE A GIRL WHO LIVED I USED TO DATE A GIRL WHO LIVED IN MERRICK.
IN MERRICK.
ARE YOU WAXING YOUR EYEBROWS? ARE YOU WAXING YOUR EYEBROWS? 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE FROM HERE, BUDDY.
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE FROM HERE, BUDDY.
TWO PERFECTLY-SHAPED LITTLE LIKE FROM HERE, BUDDY.
TWO PERFECTLY-SHAPED LITTLE PENCIL EYEBROWS.
TWO PERFECTLY-SHAPED LITTLE PENCIL EYEBROWS.
WHAT ABOUT THE BEARD? PENCIL EYEBROWS.
WHAT ABOUT THE BEARD? [ LAUGHTER .]
WHAT ABOUT THE BEARD? [ LAUGHTER .]
YOU LOOK LIKE GEORGE MICHAEL.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU LOOK LIKE GEORGE MICHAEL.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU LOOK LIKE GEORGE MICHAEL.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M SORRY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M SORRY.
I'M THROWN OFF MY GAME RIGHT I'M SORRY.
I'M THROWN OFF MY GAME RIGHT NOW.
I'M THROWN OFF MY GAME RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER .]
NOW.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SALUD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SALUD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SALUD.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I THINK HE PLAYED IT PERFECT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I THINK HE PLAYED IT PERFECT.
WE HAVE SOMETHING FLYING IN I THINK HE PLAYED IT PERFECT.
WE HAVE SOMETHING FLYING IN TO HELP YOU OUT A LITTLE BIT.
WE HAVE SOMETHING FLYING IN TO HELP YOU OUT A LITTLE BIT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? TO HELP YOU OUT A LITTLE BIT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SEE THOSE BUSINESS CARDS? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SEE THOSE BUSINESS CARDS? PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKET.
SEE THOSE BUSINESS CARDS? PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKET.
DON'T LOOK AT THEM.
PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKET.
DON'T LOOK AT THEM.
PUT THEM RIGHT IN YOUR POCKET.
DON'T LOOK AT THEM.
PUT THEM RIGHT IN YOUR POCKET.
PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKET.
PUT THEM RIGHT IN YOUR POCKET.
PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKET.
DO NOT LOOK.
PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKET.
DO NOT LOOK.
GO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO PEOPLE, DO NOT LOOK.
GO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO PEOPLE, HAND THEM THE CARD, AND LIVE GO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO PEOPLE, HAND THEM THE CARD, AND LIVE WITH IT, MY FRIEND.
SEE THOSE BUSINESS CARDS? YEAH.
YEAH.
DON'T LOOK AT THEM.
DON'T LOOK AT THEM.
GO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO PEOPLE, GO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO PEOPLE, HAND THEM THE CARD, AND LIVE HAND THEM THE CARD, AND LIVE WITH IT, MY FRIEND.
WITH IT, MY FRIEND.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
CHEERS.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
OH, HERE WE GO! CHEERS.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
OH, HERE WE GO! I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD.
OH, HERE WE GO! I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD.
MY NAME'S JAMES MURRAY.
I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD.
MY NAME'S JAMES MURRAY.
I'M A CHILD-PAGEANT COACH.
YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
WHAT I DO IS I MAKE PURSES FOR CATS.
WHAT I DO IS I MAKE PURSES FOR CATS.
MY NAME'S JAMES MURRAY.
CATS.
MY NAME'S JAMES MURRAY.
I'M A STATE EXECUTIONER.
MY NAME'S JAMES MURRAY.
I'M A STATE EXECUTIONER.
[ LAUGHS .]
I'M A STATE EXECUTIONER.
[ LAUGHS .]
MY NAME IS JAMES MURRAY.
[ LAUGHS .]
MY NAME IS JAMES MURRAY.
I'M A DOUCHE MANUFACTURER.
MY NAME IS JAMES MURRAY.
I'M A DOUCHE MANUFACTURER.
DOUCHES? I'M A DOUCHE MANUFACTURER.
DOUCHES? YEAH.
DOUCHES? YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MY NAME'S JAMES MURRAY, [ LAUGHTER .]
MY NAME'S JAMES MURRAY, DEFENSE ATTORNEY.
MY NAME'S JAMES MURRAY, DEFENSE ATTORNEY.
[ LAUGHS .]
DEFENSE ATTORNEY.
[ LAUGHS .]
I'LL GIVE YOU THE "D.
" [ LAUGHS .]
I'LL GIVE YOU THE "D.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
I'LL GIVE YOU THE "D.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
[ DING! .]
I'M SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE, BOYS.
MINGLE, BOYS.
NO, YOU ARE NOT SINGLE! NO, YOU ARE NOT SINGLE! PUT THAT WEDDING RING BACK ON! PUT THAT WEDDING RING BACK ON! [ LAUGHTER .]
YES, YES! YES, YOU SCUMBAG! [ LAUGHTER .]
YES, YOU SCUMBAG! [ LAUGHTER .]
THERE YOU GO.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THERE YOU GO.
TAP THE GLASS WITH YOUR THERE YOU GO.
TAP THE GLASS WITH YOUR FINGER.
TAP THE GLASS WITH YOUR FINGER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
FINGER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU CAN SEE IN HIS FACE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU CAN SEE IN HIS FACE.
HE'S ACTUALLY TENSE ABOUT IT.
YOU CAN SEE IN HIS FACE.
HE'S ACTUALLY TENSE ABOUT IT.
[ TAPS GLASS .]
HE'S ACTUALLY TENSE ABOUT IT.
[ TAPS GLASS .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ TAPS GLASS .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
SHE NOTICED.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SHE NOTICED.
SHE JUST NOTICED.
SHE NOTICED.
SHE JUST NOTICED.
GO UP TO THIS WOMAN AND SAY, SHE JUST NOTICED.
GO UP TO THIS WOMAN AND SAY, "WE'VE GOT TO MAKE THIS QUICK.
GO UP TO THIS WOMAN AND SAY, "WE'VE GOT TO MAKE THIS QUICK.
MY WIFE THINKS I'M AT THE "WE'VE GOT TO MAKE THIS QUICK.
MY WIFE THINKS I'M AT THE MOVIES.
" MY WIFE THINKS I'M AT THE MOVIES.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
MOVIES.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
HI, SORRY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HI, SORRY.
I GOT TO MAKE THIS QUICK.
HI, SORRY.
I GOT TO MAKE THIS QUICK.
MY WIFE THINKS I'M AT THE I GOT TO MAKE THIS QUICK.
MY WIFE THINKS I'M AT THE MOVIES.
MY WIFE THINKS I'M AT THE MOVIES.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MOVIES.
[ LAUGHTER .]
UHJUST, FIRST IMPRESSION, YES [ LAUGHTER .]
UHJUST, FIRST IMPRESSION, YES OR NO? UHJUST, FIRST IMPRESSION, YES OR NO? UMYOU MAKE A NICE FIRST OR NO? UMYOU MAKE A NICE FIRST IMPRESSION, BUT I'M UMYOU MAKE A NICE FIRST IMPRESSION, BUT I'M NO, YOU'RE NOT.
IMPRESSION, BUT I'M NO, YOU'RE NOT.
OKAY, I APPRECIATE IT.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
OKAY, I APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU.
OKAY, I APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU.
I'LL JUST KEEP CIRCULATING.
THANK YOU.
I'LL JUST KEEP CIRCULATING.
OH, MY GOD! I'LL JUST KEEP CIRCULATING.
OH, MY GOD! [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MY GOD! [ LAUGHTER .]
HOW YOU DOING? [ LAUGHTER .]
HOW YOU DOING? ARE YOU FROM OUT HERE, EDITH, OR HOW YOU DOING? ARE YOU FROM OUT HERE, EDITH, OR NO? ARE YOU FROM OUT HERE, EDITH, OR NO? AMITYVILLE.
NO? AMITYVILLE.
OH, OKAY.
AMITYVILLE.
OH, OKAY.
I'M STATEN ISLAND.
OH, OKAY.
I'M STATEN ISLAND.
YOU GONNA CALL HIM? I'M STATEN ISLAND.
YOU GONNA CALL HIM? I'M GONNA CALL HIM.
YOU GONNA CALL HIM? I'M GONNA CALL HIM.
IF I NEED A PASSPORT I'M GONNA CALL HIM.
IF I NEED A PASSPORT IT'S NOT GONNA WORK OUT.
IF I NEED A PASSPORT IT'S NOT GONNA WORK OUT.
[ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
IT'S NOT GONNA WORK OUT.
[ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
JOE, SLOWLY MENTION THAT [ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
JOE, SLOWLY MENTION THAT YOU'RE MARRIED.
JOE, SLOWLY MENTION THAT YOU'RE MARRIED.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST MY WIFE.
YOU'RE MARRIED.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST MY WIFE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST MY WIFE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THAT WAS YOUR WIFE? [ LAUGHTER .]
THAT WAS YOUR WIFE? WHAT? YEAH.
THAT WAS YOUR WIFE? WHAT? YEAH.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO WHAT? YEAH.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE PHARMACY TO GET HER SOME YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE PHARMACY TO GET HER SOME MEDICINE.
THE PHARMACY TO GET HER SOME MEDICINE.
OH, MAN! MEDICINE.
OH, MAN! [ LAUGHTER .]
OH, MAN! [ LAUGHTER .]
I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE [ LAUGHTER .]
I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE PHARMACY TO GET HER SOME I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE PHARMACY TO GET HER SOME MEDICINE.
PHARMACY TO GET HER SOME MEDICINE.
SHE KEEPS CALLING ME.
MEDICINE.
SHE KEEPS CALLING ME.
WELL, SHE'S REAL SICK, SO SHE KEEPS CALLING ME.
WELL, SHE'S REAL SICK, SO BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M AT THIS WELL, SHE'S REAL SICK, SO BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M AT THIS THING.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M AT THIS THING.
I'M CALLING AGAIN.
THING.
I'M CALLING AGAIN.
IT'S LIKE BOYS' NIGHT OUT BY I'M CALLING AGAIN.
IT'S LIKE BOYS' NIGHT OUT BY MYSELF, BUT SHE -- IT'S LIKE BOYS' NIGHT OUT BY MYSELF, BUT SHE -- [ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
MYSELF, BUT SHE -- [ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
I'M SORRY.
LET ME ANSWER THAT.
[ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
I'M SORRY.
LET ME ANSWER THAT.
JUSTST ONE SECOND.
I'M SORRY.
LET ME ANSWER THAT.
JUSTST ONE SECOND.
HI, HONEY.
JUSTST ONE SECOND.
HI, HONEY.
HONEY, WHERE ARE YOU? HI, HONEY.
HONEY, WHERE ARE YOU? I'M JUST AT THIS SINGLES HONEY, WHERE ARE YOU? I'M JUST AT THIS SINGLES EVENT, SPEAKING TO EDITH.
I'M JUST AT THIS SINGLES EVENT, SPEAKING TO EDITH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
EVENT, SPEAKING TO EDITH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SHE JUST LEAVES.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SHE JUST LEAVES.
SHE'S WALKING AWAY! SHE JUST LEAVES.
SHE'S WALKING AWAY! [ LAUGHTER .]
SHE'S WALKING AWAY! [ LAUGHTER .]
HOW'S THE EMPHYSEMA? [ LAUGHTER .]
HOW'S THE EMPHYSEMA? LATER, SCUMBAG.
HOW'S THE EMPHYSEMA? LATER, SCUMBAG.
YOU GUYS ARE HEARTLESS.
LATER, SCUMBAG.
YOU GUYS ARE HEARTLESS.
UGH.
YOU GUYS ARE HEARTLESS.
UGH.
HERE WE GO.
UGH.
HERE WE GO.
IT'S THE BLONDE FROM EARLIER! HERE WE GO.
IT'S THE BLONDE FROM EARLIER! OH, SHE'S COMING OVER.
IT'S THE BLONDE FROM EARLIER! OH, SHE'S COMING OVER.
OH, NO, NO.
OH, SHE'S COMING OVER.
OH, NO, NO.
SHE THINI'M AT THE MOVIES.
OH, NO, NO.
SHE THINI'M AT THE MOVIES.
OH.
SHE THINI'M AT THE MOVIES.
OH.
KEEP REFERRING TO YOUR GLASS OH.
KEEP REFERRING TO YOUR GLASS EYE.
KEEP REFERRING TO YOUR GLASS EYE.
OH, THIS GLASS EYE IS KILLING EYE.
OH, THIS GLASS EYE IS KILLING ME.
OH, THIS GLASS EYE IS KILLING ME.
THESE LIGHTS ARE ME.
THESE LIGHTS ARE THEY'RE STREAMING.
THESE LIGHTS ARE THEY'RE STREAMING.
I FEEL LIKE A DEER ON THE THEY'RE STREAMING.
I FEEL LIKE A DEER ON THE THROUGHWAY.
I FEEL LIKE A DEER ON THE THROUGHWAY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THROUGHWAY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK AT HIS GLASS EYE! [ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK AT HIS GLASS EYE! YOU KEEP IT IN A LITTLE JAR LOOK AT HIS GLASS EYE! YOU KEEP IT IN A LITTLE JAR BY YOUR BED? YOU KEEP IT IN A LITTLE JAR BY YOUR BED? A MASON JAR, YEAH.
BY YOUR BED? A MASON JAR, YEAH.
IT CAME FROM MY IN-LAWS.
A MASON JAR, YEAH.
IT CAME FROM MY IN-LAWS.
THEY GAVE ME ONE FOR THE IT CAME FROM MY IN-LAWS.
THEY GAVE ME ONE FOR THE WEDDING.
THEY GAVE ME ONE FOR THE WEDDING.
[ LAUGHTER .]
WEDDING.
[ LAUGHTER .]
KEEP MISSING THE GLASS.
IT DOES KILL YOU.
THE GLASS EYE JUST GETS YOU EVERY TIME.
THE GLASS EYE JUST GETS YOU EVERY TIME.
[ LAUGHTER .]
EVERY TIME.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MY GLASS EYE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MY GLASS EYE.
MY WIFE IS HOME SICK WITH MY GLASS EYE.
MY WIFE IS HOME SICK WITH EMPHYSEMA.
MY WIFE IS HOME SICK WITH EMPHYSEMA.
I'M A TRAIN WRECK IS RIGHT.
EMPHYSEMA.
I'M A TRAIN WRECK IS RIGHT.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU, A LIBRA? I'M A TRAIN WRECK IS RIGHT.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU, A LIBRA? [ DING! .]
SO, WHAT ARE YOU, A LIBRA? [ DING! .]
Narrator: Q IS SINGLE BUT [ DING! .]
Narrator: Q IS SINGLE BUT COULDN'T MINGLE, SO HE'S UP ON Narrator: Q IS SINGLE BUT COULDN'T MINGLE, SO HE'S UP ON THE LOSER BOARD.
COULDN'T MINGLE, SO HE'S UP ON THE LOSER BOARD.
TODAY, WE'RE ON THE STREETS THE LOSER BOARD.
TODAY, WE'RE ON THE STREETS TRYING TO BORROW PEOPLE'S TODAY, WE'RE ON THE STREETS TRYING TO BORROW PEOPLE'S CELLPHONES TO MAKE A CALL.
TRYING TO BORROW PEOPLE'S CELLPHONES TO MAKE A CALL.
BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHO WE'RE CELLPHONES TO MAKE A CALL.
BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHO WE'RE CALLING, WHY WE'RE CALLING THEM, BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHO WE'RE CALLING, WHY WE'RE CALLING THEM, OR WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR PHONE.
CALLING, WHY WE'RE CALLING THEM, OR WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR PHONE.
THE OTHER GUYS WILL BE GIVING OR WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR PHONE.
THE OTHER GUYS WILL BE GIVING US THAT INFORMATION ON THESE THE OTHER GUYS WILL BE GIVING US THAT INFORMATION ON THESE CUE CARDS.
IF YOU CAN'T GET THE PERSON TO LEND YOU THEIR PHONE, YOU TO LEND YOU THEIR PHONE, YOU LOSE.
LOSE.
THAT'S IT! BOOM! THAT'S IT! BOOM! SAL, BEFORE WE BEGIN, JUST TO SAL, BEFORE WE BEGIN, JUST TO CHECK THE ODDS OF YOU SUCCEEDING CHECK THE ODDS OF YOU SUCCEEDING HERE -- WOULD YOU EVER LET A HERE -- WOULD YOU EVER LET A STRANGER BORROW YOUR PHONE ON STRANGER BORROW YOUR PHONE ON THE STREET? THE STREET? THEY WOULD HAVE TO BE THEY WOULD HAVE TO BE BLEEDING.
BLEEDING.
BLEEDING, BUT THEN I WOULDN'T WANT TO DO IT, EITHER, BLEEDING, BUT THEN I WOULDN'T WANT TO DO IT, EITHER, SO WOULDN'T WANT TO DO IT, EITHER, SO [ LAUGHTER .]
SO [ LAUGHTER .]
MY MAN, I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK [ LAUGHTER .]
MY MAN, I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK CALL.
MY MAN, I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK CALL.
I GOT TO CALL CALL.
I GOT TO CALL A WHITE GUY NAMED JA'CRISPY.
I GOT TO CALL A WHITE GUY NAMED JA'CRISPY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? A WHITE GUY NAMED JA'CRISPY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? MY WHITE FRIEND.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? MY WHITE FRIEND.
HIS NAME'S JA'CRISPY, THOUGH.
MY WHITE FRIEND.
HIS NAME'S JA'CRISPY, THOUGH.
HIS PARENTS HAVE A GREAT SENSE HIS NAME'S JA'CRISPY, THOUGH.
HIS PARENTS HAVE A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.
HIS PARENTS HAVE A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.
I GOT TO TELL HIM OF HUMOR.
I GOT TO TELL HIM IT'S CUDDLE O'CLOCK.
I GOT TO TELL HIM IT'S CUDDLE O'CLOCK.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING -- IT'S CUDDLE O'CLOCK.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING -- WHY CAN'T I USE MY PHONE? I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING -- WHY CAN'T I USE MY PHONE? I WOULDN'T BE ASKING, BUT WHY CAN'T I USE MY PHONE? I WOULDN'T BE ASKING, BUT VERY SIMPLE.
I WOULDN'T BE ASKING, BUT VERY SIMPLE.
MY PHONE CONVERTED TO JUDAISM.
VERY SIMPLE.
MY PHONE CONVERTED TO JUDAISM.
[ LAUGHTER .]
MY PHONE CONVERTED TO JUDAISM.
[ LAUGHTER .]
CAN I USE YOUR PHONE, MAN? [ LAUGHTER .]
CAN I USE YOUR PHONE, MAN? I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN SO PATIENT CAN I USE YOUR PHONE, MAN? I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN SO PATIENT WITH ME.
MY MAN, I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK CALL.
CALL.
I WOULDN'T BE ASKING, BUT I WOULDN'T BE ASKING, BUT I GOT TO CALL I GOT TO CALL A WHITE GUY NAMED JA'CRISPY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? A WHITE GUY NAMED JA'CRISPY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? [ LAUGHTER .]
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? [ LAUGHTER .]
CAN I USE YOUR PHONE, MAN? NO? [ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
I NAMED MY SON JA'CRISPY -- IS THAT A LIFETIME OF FUN OR A I NAMED MY SON JA'CRISPY -- IS THAT A LIFETIME OF FUN OR A LIFETIME OF AGONY? THAT A LIFETIME OF FUN OR A LIFETIME OF AGONY? THAT'S A MISTAKE.
LIFETIME OF AGONY? THAT'S A MISTAKE.
WHY? THAT'S A MISTAKE.
WHY? NAH.
WHY? NAH.
WHAT IF I CHANGED MY NAME TO NAH.
WHAT IF I CHANGED MY NAME TO JA'CRISPY? WHAT IF I CHANGED MY NAME TO JA'CRISPY? WOULDN'T THAT MAKE YOUR LIFE JA'CRISPY? WOULDN'T THAT MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER? WOULDN'T THAT MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER? JA'CRISPY VULCANO? BETTER? JA'CRISPY VULCANO? [ LAUGHS .]
JA'CRISPY VULCANO? [ LAUGHS .]
I'D BE LIKE [ LAUGHS .]
I'D BE LIKE HOW 'BOUT YOU JUST GO, OKAY? I'D BE LIKE HOW 'BOUT YOU JUST GO, OKAY? ENOUGH WITH THE JA'CRISPY.
HOW 'BOUT YOU JUST GO, OKAY? ENOUGH WITH THE JA'CRISPY.
CALL ME JA'CRISPY AND I'LL ENOUGH WITH THE JA'CRISPY.
CALL ME JA'CRISPY AND I'LL GO.
CALL ME JA'CRISPY AND I'LL GO.
GO AHEAD, JA'CRISPY.
GO.
GO AHEAD, JA'CRISPY.
[ LAUGHS .]
GO AHEAD, JA'CRISPY.
[ LAUGHS .]
HEY, BUD.
[ LAUGHS .]
HEY, BUD.
I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK CALL.
HEY, BUD.
I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK CALL.
IT'S A FUNNY STORY.
I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK CALL.
IT'S A FUNNY STORY.
I GOT TO CALL IT'S A FUNNY STORY.
I GOT TO CALL I'M NOT KIDDING.
I GOT TO CALL I'M NOT KIDDING.
I NEED TO CALL BATMAN.
I'M NOT KIDDING.
I NEED TO CALL BATMAN.
BATMAN? I NEED TO CALL BATMAN.
BATMAN? YEAH.
BATMAN? YEAH.
I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.
YEAH.
I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.
THANK YOU.
I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.
THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ DING! .]
OH, YOU GOT A CELLPHONE.
HEY, BUD, I WAS WONDERING, CAN I HEY, BUD, I WAS WONDERING, CAN I BORROW THE CELLPHONE REAL QUICK? BORROW THE CELLPHONE REAL QUICK? I GOT TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.
I GOT TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.
I GOT TO CALL A PANCAKE.
I GOT TO CALL A PANCAKE.
I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK CALL TO A I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK CALL TO A PANCAKE.
PANCAKE.
NO? NO? YEAH, THAT'S ALL IT WOULD TAKE, REALLY.
YEAH, THAT'S ALL IT WOULD TAKE, REALLY.
I THINK THAT'S FINE.
REALLY.
I THINK THAT'S FINE.
BECAUSE WHO CALLS A [BLEEP.]
I THINK THAT'S FINE.
BECAUSE WHO CALLS A [BLEEP.]
PANCAKE? BECAUSE WHO CALLS A [BLEEP.]
PANCAKE? OH, HI, KIDS.
PANCAKE? OH, HI, KIDS.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
OH, HI, KIDS.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
THERE'S CHILDREN! SORRY ABOUT THAT.
THERE'S CHILDREN! EXCUSE ME, BUD.
THERE'S CHILDREN! EXCUSE ME, BUD.
I WAS WONDERING -- I GOT TO MAKE EXCUSE ME, BUD.
I WAS WONDERING -- I GOT TO MAKE A PHONE CALL, SO COULD YOU HELP I WAS WONDERING -- I GOT TO MAKE A PHONE CALL, SO COULD YOU HELP ME OUT REAL QUICK? A PHONE CALL, SO COULD YOU HELP ME OUT REAL QUICK? I WAS JUST -- I HAVE TO CALL ME OUT REAL QUICK? I WAS JUST -- I HAVE TO CALL A NUN WHO LOVES GUACAMOLE.
I WAS JUST -- I HAVE TO CALL A NUN WHO LOVES GUACAMOLE.
I GOT TO TELL HER A NUN WHO LOVES GUACAMOLE.
I GOT TO TELL HER WELL, SHE'S NOT ANSWERING MY I GOT TO TELL HER WELL, SHE'S NOT ANSWERING MY HATE MAIL.
WELL, SHE'S NOT ANSWERING MY HATE MAIL.
'CAUSE SHE HATES YOU? HATE MAIL.
'CAUSE SHE HATES YOU? WELL, SHE'S A NUN, SHE CAN'T 'CAUSE SHE HATES YOU? WELL, SHE'S A NUN, SHE CAN'T HATE ME.
WELL, SHE'S A NUN, SHE CAN'T HATE ME.
SHE'S JUST NOT ANSWERING MY HATE HATE ME.
SHE'S JUST NOT ANSWERING MY HATE MAIL.
SHE'S JUST NOT ANSWERING MY HATE MAIL.
I HATE HER.
MAIL.
I HATE HER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I HATE HER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'M -- I'M GETTING LATE FOR [ LAUGHTER .]
I'M -- I'M GETTING LATE FOR SOMEWHERE.
I'M -- I'M GETTING LATE FOR SOMEWHERE.
OH, BUT CAN I JUST BORROW IT? SOMEWHERE.
OH, BUT CAN I JUST BORROW IT? I CAN WALK WITH -- OH, BUT CAN I JUST BORROW IT? I CAN WALK WITH -- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! I CAN WALK WITH -- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! THANK YOU, BUD.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! THANK YOU, BUD.
LET'S CALL HER.
THANK YOU, BUD.
LET'S CALL HER.
THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
LET'S CALL HER.
THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
WHAT?! [ LAUGHTER .]
WHAT?! IT'S A 212 NUMBER, SO IT'S WHAT?! IT'S A 212 NUMBER, SO IT'S LOCAL.
IT'S A 212 NUMBER, SO IT'S LOCAL.
IT'S 1-212-386 NINER-EIGHT.
LOCAL.
IT'S 1-212-386 NINER-EIGHT.
YOU JUST MADE THIS NUMBER UP! IT'S 1-212-386 NINER-EIGHT.
YOU JUST MADE THIS NUMBER UP! NO, NO.
HIT CALL.
YOU JUST MADE THIS NUMBER UP! NO, NO.
HIT CALL.
JUST HIT CALL.
NO, NO.
HIT CALL.
JUST HIT CALL.
THERE YOU GO.
JUST HIT CALL.
THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU, BOSS.
THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU, BOSS.
YOU JUST MADE IT UP! THANK YOU, BOSS.
YOU JUST MADE IT UP! HEY, SISTER MARGARET MARY, YOU JUST MADE IT UP! HEY, SISTER MARGARET MARY, ANSWER MY HATE MAIL.
HEY, SISTER MARGARET MARY, ANSWER MY HATE MAIL.
[ DING! .]
EXCUSE ME.
SIR, COULD I ASK YOU FOR A SIR, COULD I ASK YOU FOR A FAVOR? FAVOR? I HAVE TO CALL MY PERSONAL I HAVE TO CALL MY PERSONAL TRAINER REAL QUICK, BECAUSE, TRAINER REAL QUICK, BECAUSE, WELL, I HAVE TO TELL HIM, QUITE WELL, I HAVE TO TELL HIM, QUITE FRANKLY FRANKLY JADEN SMITH SAID YES.
JADEN SMITH SAID YES.
JADEN SMITH LOOKED AT ME AND JADEN SMITH LOOKED AT ME AND SAID YES! SAID YES! [ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
AND I LEFT MY PHONE IN THIS AND I LEFT MY PHONE IN THIS SWISS DIPLOMAT'S TOILET.
SWISS DIPLOMAT'S TOILET.
DON'T ASK HOW IT GOT THERE.
DON'T ASK HOW IT GOT THERE.
CAN I USE YOUR PHONE JUST TO CAN I USE YOUR PHONE JUST TO CALL MY PERSONAL TRAINER? CALL MY PERSONAL TRAINER? I CAN? [BLEEP.]
I CAN? [BLEEP.]
NO WAY! NO WAY! OH, YEAH! SON OF A OH, YEAH! SON OF A [ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
SON OF A [ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
HELLO? [ CELLPHONE RINGS .]
HELLO? GREGORIO! HELLO? GREGORIO! [ LAUGHTER .]
GREGORIO! [ LAUGHTER .]
PUT DOWN THOSE WEIGHTS, YOU [ LAUGHTER .]
PUT DOWN THOSE WEIGHTS, YOU SO-AND-SO! PUT DOWN THOSE WEIGHTS, YOU SO-AND-SO! JADEN SMITH SAID YES! SO-AND-SO! JADEN SMITH SAID YES! ALL RIGHT, JERK.
JADEN SMITH SAID YES! ALL RIGHT, JERK.
WE GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT, JERK.
WE GOT IT.
[ LAUGHS .]
WE GOT IT.
[ LAUGHS .]
ALL RIGHT, COOL.
[ LAUGHS .]
ALL RIGHT, COOL.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT, COOL.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD GET A [ LAUGHTER .]
I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD GET A FAVOR FROM YOU GUYS? I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD GET A FAVOR FROM YOU GUYS? YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE YOU MIGHT BE FAVOR FROM YOU GUYS? YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP.
YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP.
I HAVE TO CALL SOMEONE.
ABLE TO HELP.
I HAVE TO CALL SOMEONE.
I HAVE TO CALL MY CORONER.
I HAVE TO CALL SOMEONE.
I HAVE TO CALL MY CORONER.
[ LAUGHS .]
I HAVE TO CALL MY CORONER.
[ LAUGHS .]
I KNOW THIS SOUNDS A LITTLE [ LAUGHS .]
I KNOW THIS SOUNDS A LITTLE WEIRD.
I KNOW THIS SOUNDS A LITTLE WEIRD.
I HAVE TO TELL HIM THAT I'M WEIRD.
I HAVE TO TELL HIM THAT I'M OH, GOD, SAL.
I HAVE TO TELL HIM THAT I'M OH, GOD, SAL.
YOU GOT TO SAY IT, Q.
OH, GOD, SAL.
YOU GOT TO SAY IT, Q.
I HAVE TO TELL HIM HE DID A YOU GOT TO SAY IT, Q.
I HAVE TO TELL HIM HE DID A GOOD JOB ON MY GRANDMOTHER.
I HAVE TO TELL HIM HE DID A GOOD JOB ON MY GRANDMOTHER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
GOOD JOB ON MY GRANDMOTHER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HAVE A GOOD DAY, GUYS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HAVE A GOOD DAY, GUYS.
SORRY.
SORRY.
HAVE A GOOD DAY, GUYS.
SORRY.
SORRY.
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU GUYS.
SORRY.
SORRY.
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU GUYS.
SORRY.
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU GUYS.
SORRY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
SORRY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
STARTING A RACIST COVER BAND? [ LAUGHTER .]
STARTING A RACIST COVER BAND? [ BUZZER .]
EXCUSE ME, GUYS.
I'M AT A LOSS, HERE.
I'M AT A LOSS, HERE.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET SOMEBODY, I WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET SOMEBODY, AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL THEM, AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL THEM, BUT MY PHONE IS GONE.
BUT MY PHONE IS GONE.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL YOUR I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL YOUR MOTHER.
MOTHER.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
AND THE REASON WHY IS I WAS AND THE REASON WHY IS I WAS GOING TO TELL HER THAT, UH GOING TO TELL HER THAT, UH THAT SHE'S GOT TO CHECK THE THAT SHE'S GOT TO CHECK THE RANSOM.
YEAH.
RANSOM.
YEAH.
I WAS GONNA CALL YOUR MOM ABOUT YEAH.
I WAS GONNA CALL YOUR MOM ABOUT THE RANSOM, AND, UH I WAS GONNA CALL YOUR MOM ABOUT THE RANSOM, AND, UH MAKES IT SOUND LIKE HE'S THE RANSOM, AND, UH MAKES IT SOUND LIKE HE'S GONNA KIDNAP THEM.
MAKES IT SOUND LIKE HE'S GONNA KIDNAP THEM.
[ LAUGHTER .]
GONNA KIDNAP THEM.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE TAKEN.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE TAKEN.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE TAKEN.
[ LAUGHTER .]
'CAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE [ LAUGHTER .]
'CAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE TAKEN.
'CAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE TAKEN.
I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC SET OF TAKEN.
I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC SET OF SKILLS.
I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC SET OF SKILLS.
I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC SET OF SKILLS.
I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC SET OF SKILLS.
I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC SET OF SKILLS.
THERE'S NO REASON TO BACK AWAY.
SKILLS.
THERE'S NO REASON TO BACK AWAY.
I'M NOT THE ONE TAKING YOU.
THERE'S NO REASON TO BACK AWAY.
I'M NOT THE ONE TAKING YOU.
I'M GONNA BE THE ONE THAT I'M NOT THE ONE TAKING YOU.
I'M GONNA BE THE ONE THAT RECOVERS YOU.
YOU GONNA PASS ON THE PHONE CALL? CALL? OKAY.
NO PROBLEM.
OKAY.
NO PROBLEM.
THEY'RE RUNNING! THEY'RE RUNNING! THAT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME A WOMAN'S RUN FROM MURRAY.
THAT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME A WOMAN'S RUN FROM MURRAY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
WOMAN'S RUN FROM MURRAY.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.
FUNNY, CRAZY THING -- I'M TRYING I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.
FUNNY, CRAZY THING -- I'M TRYING TO -- I HAVE TO MAKE A PHONE FUNNY, CRAZY THING -- I'M TRYING TO -- I HAVE TO MAKE A PHONE CALL, RIGHT? TO -- I HAVE TO MAKE A PHONE CALL, RIGHT? I'M TRYING TO CALL AEROSMITH.
CALL, RIGHT? I'M TRYING TO CALL AEROSMITH.
YOU KNOW THEM, RIGHT? I'M TRYING TO CALL AEROSMITH.
YOU KNOW THEM, RIGHT? I'M TRYING TO CALL AEROSMITH, YOU KNOW THEM, RIGHT? I'M TRYING TO CALL AEROSMITH, AND I GOT TO CALL THEM QUICK I'M TRYING TO CALL AEROSMITH, AND I GOT TO CALL THEM QUICK BECAUSE I AND I GOT TO CALL THEM QUICK BECAUSE I I NEED TO CURSE THEM OUT.
BECAUSE I I NEED TO CURSE THEM OUT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
I NEED TO CURSE THEM OUT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THE PROBLEM IS, I LEFT MY [ LAUGHTER .]
THE PROBLEM IS, I LEFT MY PHONE THE PROBLEM IS, I LEFT MY PHONE CAUGHT BETWEEN THE MO-- PHONE CAUGHT BETWEEN THE MO-- [ LAUGHS .]
MY PHONE YOU KNOW WHERE I LEFT MY PHONE? YOU KNOW WHERE I LEFT MY PHONE? LET ME TELL YOU LET ME TELL YOU JUST TAKE IT, YOU IDIOT! JUST TAKE IT, YOU IDIOT! DO YOU MIND IF I CALL THEM? DO YOU MIND IF I CALL THEM? I'M GONNA CALL -- OKAY.
I'M GONNA CALL -- OKAY.
THANK YOU, MAN.
THANK YOU, MAN.
YOU ARE A GENTLEMAN.
YOU ARE A GENTLEMAN.
UH, YES, MR.
TYLER? YEAH [BLEEP.]
YOU, TYLER.
UH, YES, MR.
TYLER? YEAH [BLEEP.]
YOU, TYLER.
[ DING! .]
YEAH [BLEEP.]
YOU, TYLER.
[ DING! .]
Narrator: Q COULDN'T DIAL UP [ DING! .]
Narrator: Q COULDN'T DIAL UP A WIN, MAKING HIM TONIGHT'S BIG Narrator: Q COULDN'T DIAL UP A WIN, MAKING HIM TONIGHT'S BIG LOSER.
A WIN, MAKING HIM TONIGHT'S BIG LOSER.
ONCE UPON A TIME, Q LOST.
LOSER.
ONCE UPON A TIME, Q LOST.
TODAY, WE'RE AT THE ONCE UPON A TIME, Q LOST.
TODAY, WE'RE AT THE BROOKLYN CHILDREN'S MUSEUM, AND TODAY, WE'RE AT THE BROOKLYN CHILDREN'S MUSEUM, AND IT'S STORY TIME.
BROOKLYN CHILDREN'S MUSEUM, AND IT'S STORY TIME.
EVERY WEEK, PARENTS BRING IT'S STORY TIME.
EVERY WEEK, PARENTS BRING THEIR KIDS TO HEAR A CHILDREN'S EVERY WEEK, PARENTS BRING THEIR KIDS TO HEAR A CHILDREN'S AUTHOR READ THEIR LATEST WORK.
THEIR KIDS TO HEAR A CHILDREN'S AUTHOR READ THEIR LATEST WORK.
TODAY, BUDDY, YOU'RE GONNA BE AUTHOR READ THEIR LATEST WORK.
TODAY, BUDDY, YOU'RE GONNA BE READING YOUR CHILDREN'S BOOK, TODAY, BUDDY, YOU'RE GONNA BE READING YOUR CHILDREN'S BOOK, BASED ON YOUR VERY OWN LIFE, READING YOUR CHILDREN'S BOOK, BASED ON YOUR VERY OWN LIFE, THAT WE ALL WROTE.
BASED ON YOUR VERY OWN LIFE, THAT WE ALL WROTE.
I HAVE A FEELING I WON'T BE THAT WE ALL WROTE.
I HAVE A FEELING I WON'T BE LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
I HAVE A FEELING I WON'T BE LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
NO, DEFINITELY NOT.
LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
NO, DEFINITELY NOT.
THE END, BITCH.
NO, DEFINITELY NOT.
THE END, BITCH.
THESE MOMMIES ARE VERY THE END, BITCH.
THESE MOMMIES ARE VERY EXCITED TO SPEND SOME QUALITY THESE MOMMIES ARE VERY EXCITED TO SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH THEIR KIDS.
EXCITED TO SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH THEIR KIDS.
YOU KNOW, TO MEET A NEW AUTHOR.
TIME WITH THEIR KIDS.
YOU KNOW, TO MEET A NEW AUTHOR.
THEN COMES IN OUR FRIEND IN THE YOU KNOW, TO MEET A NEW AUTHOR.
THEN COMES IN OUR FRIEND IN THE VELOUR JACKET.
THEN COMES IN OUR FRIEND IN THE VELOUR JACKET.
HI, EVERYBODY.
VELOUR JACKET.
HI, EVERYBODY.
HI! HI, EVERYBODY.
HI! HOW ARE YOU, GUYS? HI! HOW ARE YOU, GUYS? I'M BRIAN QUINN, AND I HAVE MY HOW ARE YOU, GUYS? I'M BRIAN QUINN, AND I HAVE MY BOOK CALLED "THE REMARKABLE MISADVENTURES OF Q THE DUNG BEETLE.
" Q THE DUNG BEETLE.
" IT'S BASED ON MY ACTUAL LIFE, IT'S BASED ON MY ACTUAL LIFE, WHICH I FIND IS ALWAYS THE BEST INSPIRATION.
WHICH I FIND IS ALWAYS THE BEST INSPIRATION.
[ LAUGHTER .]
INSPIRATION.
[ LAUGHTER .]
"MEET Q THE DUNG BEETLE! [ LAUGHTER .]
"MEET Q THE DUNG BEETLE! HE LOVES SUPERHEROES AND TACOS.
" "MEET Q THE DUNG BEETLE! HE LOVES SUPERHEROES AND TACOS.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
HE LOVES SUPERHEROES AND TACOS.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
"Q WAS THE SILLIEST DUNG BEETLE [ LAUGHTER .]
"Q WAS THE SILLIEST DUNG BEETLE IN ALL THE LAND.
"Q WAS THE SILLIEST DUNG BEETLE IN ALL THE LAND.
'I MAY BE A BEETLE, BUT I'M A IN ALL THE LAND.
'I MAY BE A BEETLE, BUT I'M A SILLY GOOSE.
'" 'I MAY BE A BEETLE, BUT I'M A SILLY GOOSE.
'" [ LAUGHTER .]
YEAH, HE'S A SILLY GOOSE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THEY LOVE IT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
THEY LOVE IT.
"BUT Q WAS OFTEN TOO SILLY THEY LOVE IT.
"BUT Q WAS OFTEN TOO SILLY FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
" "BUT Q WAS OFTEN TOO SILLY FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
" UH-OH.
FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
" UH-OH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
UH-OH.
[ LAUGHTER .]
RUMBLINGS OF A PROBLEM.
"THE REMARKABLE MISADVENTURES OF Q THE DUNG BEETLE.
" IT'S BASED ON MY ACTUAL LIFE.
OF Q THE DUNG BEETLE.
" IT'S BASED ON MY ACTUAL LIFE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
IT'S BASED ON MY ACTUAL LIFE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
"Q WAS OFTEN TOO SILLY FOR HIS [ LAUGHTER .]
"Q WAS OFTEN TOO SILLY FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
" "Q WAS OFTEN TOO SILLY FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
" UH-OH.
OWN GOOD.
" UH-OH.
"DURING AN IMPORTANT WORK UH-OH.
"DURING AN IMPORTANT WORK MEETING, HE KNOCKED OVER HIS "DURING AN IMPORTANT WORK MEETING, HE KNOCKED OVER HIS GLASS OF WATER.
MEETING, HE KNOCKED OVER HIS GLASS OF WATER.
'TIDAL WAVE!' HE GUFFAWED.
GLASS OF WATER.
'TIDAL WAVE!' HE GUFFAWED.
'THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER,' 'TIDAL WAVE!' HE GUFFAWED.
'THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER,' SAID Q's BOSS, MR.
GRASSHOPPER.
'THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER,' SAID Q's BOSS, MR.
GRASSHOPPER.
THE COMPANY'S HEMORRHAGING SAID Q's BOSS, MR.
GRASSHOPPER.
THE COMPANY'S HEMORRHAGING MONEY.
'" THE COMPANY'S HEMORRHAGING MONEY.
'" LOOK AT THIS LITTLE GIRL.
MONEY.
'" LOOK AT THIS LITTLE GIRL.
SHE KNOWS SOMETHING'S UP.
LOOK AT THIS LITTLE GIRL.
SHE KNOWS SOMETHING'S UP.
"'HEY, MR.
GRASSHOPPER, DON'T SHE KNOWS SOMETHING'S UP.
"'HEY, MR.
GRASSHOPPER, DON'T BUG OUT!' Q SQUELCHED.
"'HEY, MR.
GRASSHOPPER, DON'T BUG OUT!' Q SQUELCHED.
'WIPE THAT [BLEEP.]
DAMN SMIRK BUG OUT!' Q SQUELCHED.
'WIPE THAT [BLEEP.]
DAMN SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE,' SAID 'WIPE THAT [BLEEP.]
DAMN SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE,' SAID MR.
GRASSHOPPER.
" OFF YOUR FACE,' SAID MR.
GRASSHOPPER.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
MR.
GRASSHOPPER.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
"'SECURITY, PLEASE ESCORT [ LAUGHTER .]
"'SECURITY, PLEASE ESCORT Q THE DUNG BEETLE OUT OF THE "'SECURITY, PLEASE ESCORT Q THE DUNG BEETLE OUT OF THE BUILDING.
Q THE DUNG BEETLE OUT OF THE BUILDING.
GOOD LUCK LIVING WITH BUILDING.
GOOD LUCK LIVING WITH YOURSELF.
'" GOOD LUCK LIVING WITH YOURSELF.
'" OH, MY GOD.
YOURSELF.
'" OH, MY GOD.
OH.
OH, MY GOD.
OH.
OH.
OH.
OH.
"THINGS ALSO BEGAN SPIRALING OUT OH.
"THINGS ALSO BEGAN SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL AT HOME.
" "THINGS ALSO BEGAN SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL AT HOME.
" THEY'RE ABOUT TO LEARN ABOUT OF CONTROL AT HOME.
" THEY'RE ABOUT TO LEARN ABOUT TWO HARSH WORDS -- THEY'RE ABOUT TO LEARN ABOUT TWO HARSH WORDS -- DOMESTIC DISPUTE.
TWO HARSH WORDS -- DOMESTIC DISPUTE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
DOMESTIC DISPUTE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
"'YOU'RE PROJECTING YOUR [ LAUGHTER .]
"'YOU'RE PROJECTING YOUR INSECURITIES ONTO ME,' SAID Q's "'YOU'RE PROJECTING YOUR INSECURITIES ONTO ME,' SAID Q's WIFE.
INSECURITIES ONTO ME,' SAID Q's WIFE.
SHE SWIPED UP A VASE AND LUNGED WIFE.
SHE SWIPED UP A VASE AND LUNGED INTO THE SHEETROCK.
SHE SWIPED UP A VASE AND LUNGED INTO THE SHEETROCK.
SHATTERED CERAMIC LITTERED THE INTO THE SHEETROCK.
SHATTERED CERAMIC LITTERED THE CARPET.
" SHATTERED CERAMIC LITTERED THE CARPET.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
CARPET.
" [ LAUGHTER .]
"'I'M LEAVING YOU, [ LAUGHTER .]
"'I'M LEAVING YOU, Q THE DUNG BEETLE.
'" "'I'M LEAVING YOU, Q THE DUNG BEETLE.
'" OH, NO.
Q THE DUNG BEETLE.
'" OH, NO.
NOW [BLEEP.]
REALLY HITTING THE OH, NO.
NOW [BLEEP.]
REALLY HITTING THE FAN.
NOW [BLEEP.]
REALLY HITTING THE FAN.
"Q PEERED OVER TO FIND THE FAN.
"Q PEERED OVER TO FIND THE CHILDREN COWERING AT WHAT THEY "Q PEERED OVER TO FIND THE CHILDREN COWERING AT WHAT THEY HAD WITNESSED.
CHILDREN COWERING AT WHAT THEY HAD WITNESSED.
'YOUR MOTHER'S A GOLD DUNGER.
'" HAD WITNESSED.
'YOUR MOTHER'S A GOLD DUNGER.
'" [ LAUGHTER .]
'YOUR MOTHER'S A GOLD DUNGER.
'" [ LAUGHTER .]
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, IT'S GONNA GET [ LAUGHTER .]
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, IT'S GONNA GET BETTER.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, IT'S GONNA GET BETTER.
NO, IT'S NOT! BETTER.
NO, IT'S NOT! [ LAUGHTER .]
"'HOW MUCH?'" EXPLAIN THAT.
OH, NO.
EXPLAIN THAT.
OH, NO.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS OH, NO.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS HE'S -- HE'S -- HE IS ALONE.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS HE'S -- HE'S -- HE IS ALONE.
THERE'S, LIKE, UNCOMFORTABLE HE'S -- HE'S -- HE IS ALONE.
THERE'S, LIKE, UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER.
THERE'S, LIKE, UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER.
SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW LAUGHTER.
SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW EVEN DUNG BEETLES NEED SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW EVEN DUNG BEETLES NEED COMPANIONS.
EVEN DUNG BEETLES NEED COMPANIONS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
COMPANIONS.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HE IS SWEATING.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HE IS SWEATING.
OH.
HE IS SWEATING.
OH.
"Q ATE MICROWAVE DINNER OVER THE OH.
"Q ATE MICROWAVE DINNER OVER THE KITCHEN SINK.
" "Q ATE MICROWAVE DINNER OVER THE KITCHEN SINK.
" LOOK AT THE BLOODSHOT EYES.
KITCHEN SINK.
" LOOK AT THE BLOODSHOT EYES.
DRINKING BEER! LOOK AT THE BLOODSHOT EYES.
DRINKING BEER! DRINKING BEER? YEAH.
DRINKING BEER! DRINKING BEER? YEAH.
THE RED EYES ARE FROM DRINKING DRINKING BEER? YEAH.
THE RED EYES ARE FROM DRINKING BEER.
THE RED EYES ARE FROM DRINKING BEER.
YOU'RE VERY ASTUTE.
BEER.
YOU'RE VERY ASTUTE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
YOU'RE VERY ASTUTE.
[ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK AT THE PARENTS! [ LAUGHTER .]
LOOK AT THE PARENTS! NOW, WHAT DOES EVERY LOOK AT THE PARENTS! NOW, WHAT DOES EVERY CHILDREN'S STORY HAVE? NOW, WHAT DOES EVERY CHILDREN'S STORY HAVE? NOW, WHAT DOES EVERY CHILDREN'S STORY HAVE? NOW, WHAT DOES EVERY CHILDREN'S STORY HAVE? NOW, WHAT DOES EVERY CHILDREN'S STORY HAVE? A HAPPY ENDING! CHILDREN'S STORY HAVE? A HAPPY ENDING! THAT'S RIGHT! A HAPPY ENDING! THAT'S RIGHT! [ LAUGHTER .]
SO, WHAT DID YOU GUYS LEARN FROM THE BOOK? FROM THE BOOK? DID ANYBODY LEARN ANY LESSONS DID ANYBODY LEARN ANY LESSONS FROM THE BOOK? FROM THE BOOK? YES? THAT'S RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY.
YEAH! YEAH! Q THE CHILDREN'S AUTHOR! Q THE CHILDREN'S AUTHOR! THAT WAS A HAPPY ENDING FOR