In Living Color (1990) s03e07 Episode Script

- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go Go, go, go, go [Children Chattering.]
[Whistle Blows.]
Listen up, people.
I am here, and I wanna help.
This is our planet.
Can I get a hurrah? What am I? Invisible? Doesn't anybody care? Listen to me! Uh, I want one with relish.
And I want mine with, um, mustard.
I want you to stop this insanity.
What do you think you're doing? - I'm trying to make a living here! - And the planet is dying.
! Listen.
I can't get a pulse.
What the hell are you talkin' about? There are 50,000 hot dog cows in Kansas alone! - So? - [Voice Cracking.]
So? When those cows break wind, not only is it stinky.
.
.
but it's cutting a hole in the ozone! Think of those hot dogs as one cubic foot of cow gas.
Bon appétit.
That's it.
See? We can make a difference.
I'll make a difference in your face if you don't get outta here! Oh, the truth hurts, doesn't it, Captain Carnivore? [Hissing.]
Okay, little Ricky, now break the piñata.
No! Parents, don't do it.
Don't teach the children how to kill.
This is genocide.
! This is a birthday party.
Would you get lost? Smoke screen, smoke screen, so the truth can not be seen.
Listen, kids, first you hit a piñata, next thing you know, you're clubbing baby seals! This is real, children.
These are the killing fields.
The piñatas are piling up.
Are you with me? The hell with you, then! Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, man.
If you don't get outta here, I will call the police.
I oughta whip your ass! You've been eating hamburger, haven't you? I swear I could just strangle you! Whose is this? Hey, man.
Give me the ball! Do you know what's in this thing? Air.
[Scoffs.]
Of course there's air! Lots of air that we could be breathing! Free the air! - [Air Hissing.]
- Hey! Go, little airs, go! Go! Hurry! Fly away! Fly away! Are you crazy.
Give me my ball! Good boy, Bruiser.
Oh, you poor ignoramus, what are you doing? I'm taking care of my dog's business.
You can't put his doodie in a plastic bag.
It's not biodegradable.
- All I wanna do is get rid of it.
- No! Save the feces to feed the planet! You people make me so exasperated.
! I could just rub your nose in it, but it'd be such a waste! By the way, cut down on the kibble.
Oh, thank you! You're here! Uh, what seems to be the problem? The problem is.
.
.
[Laughs.]
I'm trying to teach these people how to embrace the planet and they're not listening! It's insanity.
I swear, it just makes me crazy! I wish somebody would just reach out and do something.
I'm running out of breath.
[Gasping.]
Listen.
- I don't want any trouble.
Why don't you just move along? - Ah! Does somebody have a camcorder? - All right.
That's enough.
- Don't touch me.
I'm a vegetarian.
Oh! We've got to stop them, people! We've got to stop them! We all have five pounds of undigested Bundt cake in our colons! You're only as clean as your colon! [Sobbing.]
[Hip-hop.]
[Women Singing.]
[Ends.]
Well, I guess it all started 'cause my dad used to keep pot in the house.
I'd sneak into the bathroom, smoke a few.
I was nine years old.
I guess I just did it to be cool.
Know what I mean? Hey, man, you nodding off? Snap out of it.
I'm tryin'totalk to you about smokin'pot.
! Oh, young lady, you don't wanna do that.
You wanna say no to the drugs.
That's why you called us here today, to talk about our experiences.
This one time, I was smoking a roach.
Mmm.
That's really cruel.
Why not just turn the lights on and yell, "Raid!" They always scatter.
No.
You see, I was holding the roach with my clip.
Oh, she brought a clip.
Sandy, kick it.
No, I'm saying I was nine, and I was already doin' reefer.
Just like Clarence Thomas.
You know, he did it at a young age, and look at him today.
I think we got a superstar on the horizon.
Sandra Day O'Connor, watch yourself.
Yes.
So, anyway, I was gettin' stoned in my room all the time, skippin' school.
.
.
sellin' my parent's stuff just so I could buy more.
You ever watched somebody roll a joint? You really don't want none.
First of all, it looks like they're pourin' some dirt in the toilet paper.
Then they lick it with their big-ass lips.
.
.
then hand it to you.
No, thank you.
Just spit on me.
Let me ask you somethin'.
Did you ever get to the hard stuff? - No, no.
Just the small stuff.
- Oh, strive to be number one.
Let's give a big coke-booger round of applause to Anice.
- Yes.
Come back when you're doin' crack.
Give it up! - [Applause.]
Now, I haven't read the milk carton.
.
.
but my people tell me this next juvenile delinquent.
.
.
is givin' Danny Bonaduce a big run for his money.
Yes.
He's gone beyond a transvestite.
Ethan, tell us all about it.
I was 12 years old, and it all started with weed.
Mmm.
I love that movie, Ethan.
Yes, Nick Nolte is one of my favorite stars.
Did you see him in 48 Hrs.
one and two? He and Eddie are magic.
Not as much as me and Eddie, oh, but I love Nick Nolte.
I don't think you understand.
I was smoking weed.
Let me ask you somethin'.
Why do people do pot? All it does is make you laugh at everything.
When you're finished, you're tired, feel stupid about doin' it.
Kinda like watchin' my show.
Let me ask you somethin', Ethan.
You're a young man.
You're smoking weed.
What are you, 12 years old? Doin' things that kids do.
You ever find yourself just freakin' out? - Thinkin' maybe Super Mario is comin' to get you? - No.
Pac-Man's tryin' to eat you? [Screaming.]
Pac-Man's after me! Pac-Man's after me! [Screams.]
Well, how about you, young lady? Now, you're on top of the missin' person charts.
.
.
turnin' tricks for cigarettes, prostitution.
At your age, you ever ask yourself, what's next? Feel like you're gettin' blasé? I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm just waiting for my Mom.
Oh, and I bet she's one bad mama jama.
If she looks anything like you, I'm sendin' Paula Abdul back to the fat farm.
Yes.
Does your mom turn tricks? I know.
Bad host, bad host.
Let's bring it back around to my man, Ethan.
When did you start to say "no"? Well, I guess it was when I just looked at my life.
I said, "Geez," you know.
I was livin' in a bus depot.
- [Giggles.]
- I washed my clothes in the sewer.
- [Chuckles.]
- Smelled like it, too.
- What's so funny? - [Laughing.]
What is so funny? Nothin'.
Just thinkin' about my new haircut.
Look like Gumby with a Jeri Curl.
Oh.
Let me ask you a question to all of you.
- You ever do anything illegal? - Yeah.
Well, let's say hello to my mystery guest tonight, L.
A.
P.
D.
In the house! Yes! What do you mean? You said you'd teach us a lesson, Arsenio.
A very valuable lesson, Ethan.
If someone ever asks, do you do anything illegal, just say no! Remember that! - Just say no! - [Excited Chattering.]
Strive to be number one! Look out for Bubba.
He likes young white guys.
Yes, boy.
Take us home with some of that " crack pipe, overdose.
.
.
layin' in the alley in your own vomit" funk.
Hey, thanks, brother.
All right.
Good evening, madam.
Could I have a moment of your time, please? - See, I'm a poet.
- Oh, I love poetry.
Well, good.
If you like my poem, I'd appreciate a small donation.
If not, then all I wanna hear is your honest criticism.
- Oh, certainly.
- Okay.
This poem is entitled, "Food.
" "Growl, growl, growl.
"Hunger pains in my belly all day long.
"What shall I do to feed my hunger? "Shall I smack an old lady in the head with a brick? "Brick! Crack! Crack! Brick! "Blood! Brains! Snot! Eyeballs dragged up her cheek! "Whatever happened to that cute old lady, so sweet and abrup'? "I think she has fallen and she can't get up.
" Oh! Oh, Lordy, please don't hurt me! - [Screams.]
- Hey, thanks! Good evening, young lovers.
Perhaps could I add a bit of romance to your evening? See, I'm a poet.
Usually young love and poetry seem to go hand in hand.
Don't you agree, beautiful? - Come on, honey.
Let's go.
- No, no.
Wait a minute.
This poem is entitled, "What I Gots To Have.
" "How do I love thee? Don't even try to count the ways.
"I love your deep, hot kisses at the end of the day.
"I love your silky, silky skin.
.
.
"and your long, long legs.
I love you, baby, and for your love, I'll howl and beg.
" - Honey, let's go.
- No.
"My love is like a red rose.
"If somethin' gets in the way, I'll bust it in the nose.
"So, kick, kick, and stomp, stomp goes my foot up against the little pea-headed man.
And watch him "squiver" and shatter as I take his lady's hand.
" That was beautiful.
Listen.
I'm gonna go inside and get a couple of slushies.
You do that.
Listen, um, I have some poetry for you.
- It's my phone number.
Give me a call.
- Thank you.
Excuse me, brother.
But could I have a moment of your time, please? - See, I'm a poet.
- Well, excellent.
I teach English over at the university.
Well, good.
If you like my poem, I'd appreciate a small donation.
But, if not, then, perhaps you could give me your honest criticism.
Okay, let's hear it.
I call this poem, "Nice New Jacket.
" "Punch! Stab! Kill! Cut you with broken glass.
"Punch! Stab! Kill! Hide your body in the grass.
"Have you seen him lately? Not I.
"Hey, what's that smell? I don't know, but I got a nice new jacket, though.
" Uh, may I offer some criticism? What? You didn't like my poem? Well, I loved the choreography.
I liked the physicality that you found in the piece.
But I think you're a little too tied to structure.
- You need to free up your imagery.
- What are you tryin' to say? Well, if you don't mind, I have a little poem I've been working on myself.
- It might help if you heard it.
- Yeah, all right.
Okay.
[Clears Throat.]
I call this one, "Get Out Of My Face.
" "I could rip out your spleen and get you to chill.
.
.
"or I could bore out your butt with a Sears power drill.
.
.
"or drive a spike through your chest till my hand disappears.
.
.
"or perform emasculation with my mom's pinking shears.
"All this I could do, and much more in this place.
.
.
if you don't get your funky, tired, rusty ass out of my face!" That's deep, brother.
You the man.
All right.
Keep up the good work.
[Slow Techno.]
[Man Rapping.]
[Ends.]
Gee, Mom, you're probably right.
Yeah, yeah.
If I wore a dress once in a while or wore a little makeup.
.
.
I'm sure I would feel a little more like a lady.
Gosh, mother, you know, feminine advice coming from you means so much to me.
.
.
considering that you're about as feminine as roadkill! You abandoned me in a Dumpster and left me for dead! You're a she-bitch from hell! [Screaming.]
- Oh, uh.
Yeah, yeah.
- [Car Engine Revving.]
Uh, yeah, he's home, Mom.
Talk to you later, Mom.
Bye.
Honey, I'm home! Happy anniversary, pumpkin face.
I don't believe it.
You remembered, even after three months of rehab! Rehab? Hey, how about a drink? Sure thing, sweet cakes.
Take your coat off and sit down.
I'll just go get dinner.
Okay, but hurry up, honeykins.
'Cause I've got a gifty-poo! Here we go, Sam.
Happy Anniversary.
Aw.
Isn't that nice? A TV dinner.
That's just wonderful.
'Cause you know, when I was in Betty Ford.
.
.
I was so whacked out of my mind,I didn't even know what you cooked for me.
But here I am, clean and sober, come home, starving, dying to eat.
.
.
and what do you serve me? A [Bleep.]
damn TV dinner? Salisbury [Bleep.]
steakfrom a dead cow that died six years ago.
! Oh! Why don't you just take a bag and puke in it.
.
.
and put it in the microwave, you [Bleep.]
bitch? You're a demon from hell, a demon from hell! Oh! Oh! Ohh! Oh.
Oh, wait.
There's tater tots.
I love tater tots.
Oh, happy anniversary.
[Bottles Break.]
[Both.]
Here's to five years of living hell! Do you know what? I'm putting my hand in my pants and I'm looking for your present.
- You're gonna have to look pretty hard.
- I found it! I found it! I didn't think you got me anything, Sam.
- Well.
.
.
- Oh, isn't this sweet.
Oh.
Oh, look.
It's birth control pills.
Look at that.
!Isn't that charming? I was expecting maybe a necklace or a bracelet, but no, birth.
.
.
You got me birth control pills.
I guess this means that we can have sex more than once a [Bleep.]
year! 'Cause that's about how long it takes you to [Bleep.]
, you pinhead [Bleep.]
bastard! Oh! Oh! Ohh! Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah! That's 'cause sex with you is like [Bleep.]
a corpse! You just lay there, you bloated, rotting, stinking carcass from hell! Oh, that's a real compliment comin' from you.
.
.
someone who used to do the humpty dance with Jessica Hahn.
Oh! Oh! Ohh! Oh, I love you, you gagging slob! Ah! You're the love of my life,snot bag.
! Oh.
! [Both.]
Oh! Oh! Ohh! [Joan River's Voice.]
Oh.
! Can we talk?I'm tryin'to get some sleep in here.
Oh, did we wake up our neighbor, Joan Rivers? Oh, we're sorry! Were we keepin' you up, Joan? Yeah, I hope we didn't disturb your beauty sleep.
We know how desperately you need it, seeing as you look like a baboon! You'll never be Geraldo! You're a loser! A loser! Oh! You're the elephant woman! The elephant woman! Make it go away! I'm turning to stone! I'm turning to stone! - Oh! Oh! - Oh! Ohh! - [Baby Crying.]
- Oh, no.
We woke up the baby.
- Did Mommy and Daddy disturb your sleep, little muffin? - Oh.
Did we interrupt your dream? 'Cause you've been our [Bleep.]
Nightmare you little bastard! We never wanted you in the first place! You were an accident! You were an accident! You're only here because I was so [Bleep.]
I didn't know where I stuck my [Bleep.]
.
Well, gee, I'm sorry I'm such a burden on you guys.
.
.
but, first of all, I'm not even sure you're my real dad! As for you, yeah, you're a mother.
.
.
The mother of all [Bleep.]
! Your milk is cut with tequila! I'll be in rehab before I'll be in kindergarten! I wanna go back! I wanna go back! Waah! Waah! Oh! What can I say? I've never had more fun working with a cast.
- This is the wildest group in television, man.
- Oh! - I just wanna thank Keenen and everybody.
- Oh! Oh! [All Shouting.]
Oh! [Hip-hop.]