Keeping Up Appearances s03e07 Episode Script

( theme music playing ) ( doorbell rings ) GOOD MORNING, MADAM.
YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE WONKY TELLY? NO, I AM NOT THE ONE WITH THE "WONKY TELLY," I AM THE LADY WHOSE TELEVISION REQUIRES ADJUSTING.
OH, I SEE.
CAN I COME IN? IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO BRUSH AGAINST MY WALLS.
THEY'VE RECENTLY BEEN REDECORATED UP TO AND BEYOND BRITISH STANDARDS.
NOW, WIPE YOUR SHOES.
( shuffling ) ON SECOND THOUGHT, YOU'D BETTER REMOVE THEM.
BUT I'VE-- NO, YOU'LL BE PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT, YOU'LL BE STANDING ON GRADE-ONE AXMINSTER.
THIS WAY.
AND BE CAREFUL! WHAT EXACTLY IS WRONG WITH YOUR SET? THE PICTURE OR THE SOUND? YOUTO DO, IS TO INSERT ONE OF THOSE LITTLE THINGS THAT GOES "BLEEP" OVER EVERY EXPLETIVE.
COME ALONG.
( slams ) ( bangs, TV plays ) I WISH I COULD DO WITH MY LOVE LIFE WHAT ONSLOW DOES WITH THAT TELLY.
HELP YOURSELF.
HE SPILLED BEER ALL OVER IT YESTERDAY.
( nervous groan ) OH-HH! OH, SET YOURSELF DOWN, OUR ROSE.
YOU SURE HE'S WORTH IT? THIS ONE'S DIFFERENT! IT'S ONLY IN BOOKS THEY'RE DIFFERENT.
IN LIFE, THEY SPILL BEER ON THE TELLY.
THIS ONE'S SINGLE! DIFFERENT.
HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN DIVORCED? OH, MR.
BARTHOLOMEW HAS NEVER BEEN MARRIED.
WHAT DIABOLICAL CUNNING! MR.
BARTHOLOMEW IS A VERY QUIET, SHY, RESPECTABLE PERSON.
WERE THEY OUT OF RIFF-RAFF THIS WEEK? I DON'T ONLY MEE RIFF-RAFF.
THAT'S ALL YOU BRING HERE.
- THAT'S TRUE.
YOUMEE A SHY, QUIET, RESPECTABLE PERSON? ( chuckling ) I BUMPED INTO HIM COMING OUT OF THIS AWFUL LOW BOOZER.
IF HE'S SO SHY, WHAT IS HE DOING IN AWFUL LOW BOOZER? COMING OUT OF THE AWFUL LOW BOOZER.
- DID YOU BRING ANY BEER? - Rose: NO, I DIDN'T.
I'M SITTING HERE COMPLETELY SURROUNDED BY NO BEER.
HELLO, IS THA THE METEOROLOGICAL OFFICE? GOOD MORNING TO YOU.
MY NAME IS "BOUQUET"-- B-U-C-K-E-T.
I'D LIKE YOUR SHIPPING FORECAS DEPARTMENT, PLEASE.
DO WE REALLY NEED THE SHIPPING FORECAST? RICHARD, WE'RE GOING YACHTING THIS WEEKEND.
- WE NEED THE SHIPPING FORECAST.
- BUT IT'S NOT AS IF-- I WILL NOT EMBARK ON AN EXPEDITION OF THIS MAGNITUDE WITHOUT TAKING ELEMENTARY PRECAUTIONS.
IT'S NOT AS IF THE BOAT WILL BE ACTUALLY MOVING, WE'RE SPENDING THE WEEKEND TIED UP ALONGSIDE.
HELLO? YES.
AND GOOD MORNING TO YOU.
MY HUSBAND AND I ARE GOING YACHTING THIS WEEKEND, AND WE'D LIKE YOUR SHIPPING FORECAST.
WHICH AREA? WHICH AREA? WELL, TELL THEM WHERE THE BOA IS MOORED.
I DON'T HAVE AN EXAC COMPASS BEARING TO HAND, BUT WE'LL BE ON THE RIVER, NEAR OXFORD.
WHY AM I NOT ENTITLED TO A SHIPPING FORECAST? I MAY NOT BE GOING AS FAR AS FISHER, GERMAN BIGHT, BUT ARE SUCH THINGS AS CROMARTY, DOGGER AND HELIGOLAND STRICTLY RESERVED FOR SPECIAL SAILORS? LOOK, I WARN YOU IF WE GET LOST IN A HURRICANE, I'LL REPORT YOU TO YOUR SUPERIORS.
JUST ONCE MORE, I SWEAR I'LL BUY A U-BOAT.
I WISH I HADN'T ACCEPTED HYACINTH'S INVITATION NOW.
LOOK, I HOPE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO IN THAT MOOD.
FOR THE WHOLE DAMN WEEK.
( sighs ) I FEEL AS IF I'VE ALREADY SAILED SINGLEHANDED THE ENTIRE LENGTH AND BREADTH OF THE UNCHARTED HYACINTH.
STILL, IT IS KIND OF HER TO INVITE US DOWN FOR THE NIGHT-- I THINK.
KIND?! ( wry chuckles ) IT'S CHILLING.
JUST IMAGINE, A WHOLE NIGH ON BOARD SOME OLD BUCKET WITH ANOTHER OLD BUCKET! - TWO SHIRTS! - AH--! ONE, TWO.
A JERSEY! YOU'LL NEED A SERVICEABLE SEAGOING JERSEY.
FOR BEING MOORED AT A JETTY? THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS TRY TO LOOK THE PART.
LIFE BELTS.
SHALL WE NEED LIFE BELTS? WELL, ONLY ON ONE SIDE OF THE BOAT.
I DO WISH YOU WOULD STOP REFERRING TO I AS A "BOAT.
" YACHT,DEAR.
IT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO WHEN SHERIDAN'S MADE ARRANGEMENTS FOR US TO SPEND THE WEEKEND ON HIS FRIEND'S FATHER'S YACHT.
"BOAT.
" ( phone ringing ) MUSTN'T APPEAR TOO EAGER.
OH, GO ON THEN.
HELLO? OH, MR.
BARTHOLOMEW.
THE LAST PERSON I EXPECTED.
IT'S HIM! IT'S MR.
BARTHOLOMEW! - WHO? - SHUT UP.
NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE NOT INTERRUPTING ANYTHING, NO.
I WAS JUS SITTING HERE QUIETLY READING MY PRAYER BOOK.
OH YES, YES, I OFTEN READ MY PRAYER BOOK.
THE FAMILY LAUGH AT ME.
"THERE GOES ROSE AGAIN," THEY SAY, "READING HER PRAYER BOOK.
" YES, I AGREE-- PERHAPS I DON'T LOOK RELIGIOUS.
BUT ISN'T THERE SOMETHING IN THE BIBLE ABOUT "HIDING YOUR LIGH UNDER A BUSHEL"? VERY SHORTBUSHEL.
BUG OFF, ONSLOW! OH RICHARD, THAT'S NOT VERY "HEARTS OF OAK," IS IT? IT'S AS FAR AS I GO "OLD SEADOG-WISE.
" WE'RE NOT EXACTLY TACKLING THE ARMADA.
WE ARE A SEAFARING NATION.
I WILL NO PERMIT YOU TO WALK IN THE SHADOW OF NELSON AND RALLY IN A SWEATER LIKE THAT.
( telephone rings ) OH! DON'T FORGE THE SHIP'S BISCUITS, DEAR.
AND THE WEEVILS.
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
OH IT'S YOU, ROSE.
YOU'VE CAUGHT ME JUST IN TIME, DEAR.
RICHARD AND I ARE GOING OFF YACHTING THIS WEEKEND.
MMM.
YOU WANT ME TO LEND YOU WHAT, DEAR? A PRAYER BOOK? WHY DO YOU NEED A PRAYER BOOK, ROSE? OOH! RICHARD! ROSE'S NEW GENTLEMAN FRIEND SOUNDS RATHER RELIGIOUS.
WELL, HE'LL NEED ALL THE HELP HE CAN GET.
THIS IS VERY GOOD NEWS, DEAR.
IT'S TIME YOU SETTLED DOWN WITH SOMEONE RESPECTABLE.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU AND MR.
BARTHOLOMEW DRIVE OUT TO OUR YACH THIS AFTERNOON, AND PARTAKE OF TEA AND NAUTICAL LIGH REFRESHMENTS? ALL READY FOR THE OFF, RICHARD? OR SHOULD I SAY, "ANCHORS AWAY"? I WISH YOU WOULDN'T, I REALLY WISH YOU WOULDN'T.
A WEEKEND ON BOARD? MAKE A CHANGE FOR YOU.
I SUPPOSE SO, WE'LL BE SEEING YOU LATER.
YES.
LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
IT'S VERY KIND OF YOU TO LIE LIKE THAT.
IT MAKES A CHANGE FOR ALL OF US, AND IT'S VERY KIND OF HYACINTH TO INVITE US.
( gasping ) GOOD GRIEF, I'VE JUS REALIZED.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? I HOPE I DON'T SPILL DRINKS ON SOMEBODY'S YACHT.
I MEAN, WILL I BE ROCKING A LOT, DO YOU THINK? I SHOULDN'T THINK SO.
IT'S MOORED, WE'RE NO ACTUALLY MOVING IT.
OH, THAT'S A RELIEF.
THAT DOES PUT MY SWEATER IN THE SHADE.
I SAY, HYACINTH, YOU DO LOOK THE PART.
THANK YOU, DEAR.
I THINK ONE HAS A DUTY TO DRESS FOR THE OCCASION.
YOU'LL JOIN US LATER, ELIZABETH? YES, LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
YOU'LL COME ALONGSIDE THIS EVENING, IN TIME FOR DRINKS AND MY NAUTICAL BUFFET.
( mimics ship's whistle ) SLOWLY PASS NUMBER 32.
YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST.
I'M HARDLY MOVING.
I WANT THEM TO SEE THAT WE'RE GOING YACHTING.
WHY? SHE PUTS HER NOSE IN THE AIR WHEN SHE'S GOING GOLFING.
I WANT HER TO GET A GOOD VIEW OF THIS YACHTING CAP.
SHE'LL PROBABLY THINK YOU'RE SELLING ICE CREAM OR SOMETHING.
I DON'T LIKE THAT TONE, RICHARD.
THOUGH IT'S TRUE SHE MIGHT MISTAKE THE OCCASION UNLESS SHE GETS A BETTER VIEW.
STOP THE CAR! HERE,DEAR.
32.
NOW, WE BOTH GET OU AND WAVE GOODBYE TO ELIZABETH.
LIZ IS GONE INDOORS.
I CAN SEE THAT, RICHARD.
BUT SHE CAN' SEE THAT AT NUMBER 32.
GO ON.
- IS SHE WATCHING? - I FEEL AS THOUGH EVERYBODY'S WATCHING.
GOODBYE! BYE! - LOUDER, DEAR.
- GOOD-BYE.
- SAY SOMETHING NAUTICAL.
- LIKE WHAT? GOOD GRACIOUS, RICHARD.
DO I HAVE TO THINK OF EVERYTHING? SAY GOODBYE WITH A NAUTICAL FLAVOR.
I ONLY KNOW "SHIP AHOY.
" THAT'S ME FINISHED.
WELL, THAT'S NO GOOD, DEAR.
NOW, COME ON HEAVE TO AND WEIGH ANCHOR.
- WHAT?! - GET IN THE CAR.
( loudly ) SEE YOU ON BOARD, DEAR.
COCKTAILS ON THE QUARTERDECK.
YOU'RE LETTING THE SIDE DOWN, RICHARD.
SHE DIDN'T SEE YOU AT NUMBER 32 BECAUSE YOU LOOK MOST UNSEAMANLIKE.
AMUNSEAMANLIKE.
I THINK IT ONLY FAIR TO WARN YOU HYACINTH, UNSEAMANLIKE.
NONSENSE! BRITISH PEOPLE HAVE THE SEA IN THEIR BLOOD.
ALL I'VE GO IS THE UNDILUTED RED STUFF, AND IT'S QUITE SUFFICIENT, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, SIR.
CAN I HELP YOU, MADAM? WHAT HAVE YOU GO FOR A YACHT? I BEG YOUR PARDON? MY HUSBAND NEEDS TO BE KITTED-OU FOR OUR YACHT.
I'M NOT SURE WE HAVE ANYTHING SUITABLE IN STOCK.
THAT'S IT, THEN.
LET'S BE OFF! WE COULD ORDER YOU SOMETHING.
THERE'S NO TIME, WE SET SAIL THIS AFTERNOON.
NOW, COME HERE, RICHARD.
DON'T GIVE UP SO QUICKLY.
LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN FIND.
YOU LOOK MUCH BETTER, RICHARD.
MUCH MORE SEAMANLIKE.
QUITE THE NAUTICAL FIGURE.
RICHARD? COME ALONG, RICHARD.
WE'LL MISS THE TIDE.
I'M SURE YOU FEEL MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE AND RELAXED NOW.
RELAXED.
WELL, YOU LOOK FINE.
HELLO, SAILOR! NEVER YOU MIND.
DO STOP MOANING, RICHARD.
YOU'RE ON HOLIDAY.
IT'S A LITTLE HOLIDAY.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
I FEEL PECULIAR, EVERY TIME I SEE THESE TERRIBLE WHITE THINGS.
- WHAT TERRIBLE WHITE THINGS? - MY KNEES! WHY THE DEVIL DO I HAVE TO WEAR SHORTS? IF SHORTS ARE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE ROYAL NAVY, I SEE NO REASON WHY YOU SHOULD COMPLAIN, RICHARD.
- TURN HERE.
- WHICH WAY? PORT! NO-- STARBOARD.
Hyacinth: RECEPTION IS AROUND THE CORNER, DEAR.
( ducks quacking ) AREN'T YOU GLAD WE DRESSED YOU IN SOMETHING MORE SUITABLE? I'M JUST GLAD I'M NOT WHERE ANYONE KNOWS ME.
HMM? THAT'S A NICE ONE OVER THERE.
I THINK I COULD TAKE TO CRUISING.
( deep sniff ) SMELL THAT AIR.
IT'S ONLY THE RIVER, WE'RE NOT IN THE "ROARING FORTIES.
" NOW RICHARD, I WILL NOT HAVE YOU MUTTERING MUTINOUSLY.
WAIT HERE, WHILST I GO INTO THE MARINA OFFICE AND RECEIVE THE KEYS TO OUR YACHT.
WELL, I CAN' STAND HERE CHATTING.
WE MUST WEIGH ANCHOR! SO IT'S GOODBYE, MY HEARTIES! CONTESSA II.
CONTESSA II,RICHARD! LOVELY NAME.
SOUNDS VERYEXPENSIVE.
WHICH WAY IS BERTH 29? I'D LIKE TO GET INDOORS.
INDOORS,DEAR, DOWN BELOW.
- WHICH WAY IS IT? - THIS WAY! IT'S FULL STEAM AHEAD, RICHARD, FOR BERTH 29! AHOY THERE! KEEP UP, RICHARD.
COME ALONGSIDE.
OH RICHARD, LOOK! SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
YOU MUST TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH, DEAR.
TAKE I FROM OVER THERE, DEAR.
POOH! THERE'S A DRAF FROM THE WATER.
TAKE A NICE ONE, RICHARD.
WE MIGHT MAKE I OUR CHRISTMAS CARD THIS YEAR.
WHY NOT? IT'S COLD ENOUGH FROM WHERE I'M STANDING.
( camera whirrs ) RIGHT.
COME ON RICHARD.
COME ABOARD, DEAR.
LOOK SHARP AND BE SHIP-SHAPE, RICHARD.
ISN'T IT EXCITING? BEAUTIFUL.
A FINE SHIP, RICHARD.
( keys jingle ) OH! SOME FOOL'S GIVEN ME THE WRONG KEYS.
HOW ANNOYING.
YOU'LL HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, RICHARD.
RIGHT KEYSTHIS TIME.
( sighs ) I'LL STAY HERE AND GUARD SHIP.
FROM WHAT? I DON'T THINK PIRATES GET THIS FAR.
I'M GOING.
HYACINTH IT'S NO THE WRONG KEY, BOAT.
WHAT YOU MEAN IT'S THE WRONG BOAT? IT'S IDEAL, I LIKE IT VERY MUCH.
CONTESSA II, IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, COME AND READ THE NAME.
- SEE? - HOW DISAPPOINTING! AN EVEN NICER BOAT.
THEY SAID BERTH 29.
MAYBE THERE'S ANOTHER BOA IN BERTH 29.
HOW AM I TO ENTERTAIN PEOPLE TO A NAUTICAL BUFFE ON A THING LIKE THAT? OH, LIZ! YOU LOOK REALLY SMART.
PLEASE DON'T SAY THA WITH QUITE SUCH AN AIR OF SURPRISE.
I SUPPOSE THAT MEANS I'VE GOT TO MAKE SOME SORT OF EFFORT.
AFTER ALL, IT IS SOME KIND OF YACHT.
WE CAN'T GO LOOKING LIKE STOWAWAYS.
I WISH WE WEREN'T GOING AT ALL.
SHE'LL ONLY SING AT ME.
IT'S NO A SINGING OCCASION.
SHE ALWAYS SINGS AT ME.
I'VE HAD CLOSE-UPS OF THAT WOMAN'S EPIGLOTTIS YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.
IT'S NO AS IF THERE WILL BE A PIANO.
NO, I VERY MUCH DOUB IF THE YACHT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR A PIANO.
SEA CHANTEYS! I'LL DIE IF SHE STARTS SINGING SEA CHANTEYS.
( bangs ) IT'S NOT A BAD LITTLE CRAFT.
IT'S JUST SHE LOOKS SO INFERIOR COMPARED TO THE ONE NEXT DOOR.
THAT'S IT! - HMM? - RICHARD! YOU'VE HIT IT.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MOVE HER.
ME?! HOW CLEVER OF YOU, DEAR.
WE MUST MOVE HER.
SHE'LL LOOK BETTER ON HER OWN.
I HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE HOW TO MOVE HER.
- YOU DRIVE A CAR, DEAR.
- NO-OO! NOT REALLY, I JUST STEER.
I ALWAYS FEEL YOU'RE THE ONE DOING THE DRIVING.
( motor rattling ) I TOLD YOU YOU COULD DO IT.
NOW, I WILL ASSUME COMMAND AND NAVIGATE.
I THINK FIRS A LITTLE BI THIS WAY, STARBOARD.
- THAT'S PORT! - YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
NOW, ON MY WORD OF COMMAND, MOVE A LITTLE BI THIS WAY-- WHATEVER IT'S CALLED.
I'M WAITING, RICHARD.
FULL STEAM AHEAD! SPLICE THE MAIN BRACE OR WHATEVER.
DO SOMETHING.
( motor revs ) ( dull bang ) I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE, PERHAPS IT'S SHORT OF PETROL.
HYACINTH? HYACINTH? I HOPE THAT'S YOU, RICHARD.
I WILL NOT BE HANDLED BY STRANGE SAILORS.
THERE YOU ARE, THAT'S TURNED I AROUND.
THANKS.
DON'T JERK I THIS TIME.
WHATEVER IT WAS YOU DID LAST TIME, DON'T DO IT AGAIN.
I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I DID.
THAT'S GOOD, DEAR, BECAUSE WE WON'T NEED THAT AGAIN.
NOW RICHARD, CONCENTRATE.
GENTLYFORWARD.
VERY GENTLY.
YOU'RE GOING BACKWARDS, RICHARD.
I CAN SEE THAT.
I WANT YOU TO COME THIS WAY.
SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO WANT TO COME THAT WAY.
DO STOP PLAYING AROUND, RICHARD, AND COME BACK HERE.
RICHARD, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I ORDER YOU! COME BACK HERE! DON'T TELL ME, TELL THE BOAT.
USE THE BRAKE, RICHARD.
THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ONE.
OF COURSE THERE'S A BRAKE.
HOW DO YOU THINK THEY USED TO STOP THE QUEEN MARY? NOW, SWITCH THE ENGINE OFF.
( engine stops ) OH, MEN! NOW BRING HER INTO THE SIDE AND LET ME COME ON BOARD.
IT'S VERY TIRING BOATING ON FOOT.
PULL CLOSER, RICHARD.
I'M TRYING! HOLD THE BOA WITH YOUR FEET.
PULL WITH BOTH HANDS.
THAT'S BETTER! COULD YOU HURRY UP? IT'S GETTING RATHER DIFFICULT.
DO STOP HARASSING ME, RICHARD.
ARGH-HH! ( moaning ) OH-HH! OH! THAT'S BETTER.
NOW THEN, RICHARD-- RICHARD? RICHARD! DON'T LEAVE THE BOAT, RICHARD! DON'T FORGE TO WRITE! HOW DARE YOU ABANDON SHIP, RICHARD? RICHARD, HELP ME! THROW ME A ROPE! WELL CAUGHT, DEAR.
KEEP UP, RICHARD.
KEEP ALONGSIDE, DEAR.
( both screaming ) RICHARD! WHATEVER MADE YOU DO THAT, DEAR? YOU ARE CARELESS.
( yells ) DO SOMETHING, HYACINTH! ( motor ratting ) ( loud rumble ) RICHARD! NOW, JUST MIND YOUR NEW JERSEY.
TURN IT OFF, SWITCH IT OFF! ( engine stops ) NOW, JUST LOOK AT YOUR JERSEY.
STOP MESSING ABOU WILL YOU, RICHARD, DEAR, AND COME ABOARD! RICHARD, RAISE YOURSELF! THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO.
( bellowing ) WELL, TRY A BI HARDER! ( howls ) HELP ME, RICHARD! WHY DON'T YOU COME AND HELP ME? ( both yelling ) HYACINTH SAID MEET THEM AT THE MARINA OFFICE.
- WELL SHE'S NOT HERE.
- THEN THEY MUST HAVE GONE FOR A SAIL.
- LISTEN-- WHAT'S THAT NOISE? EMMET, ELIZABETH MY NAUTICAL BUFFE HAS SUFFERED A SLIGHT SETBACK.
I AM GOING HOME.
WE'RE ALL GOING HOME, RICHARD.
AND WE'LL BUY SOME FISH AND CHIPS.
( theme music playing )