Key and Peele (2012) s03e07 Episode Script

Roommate meeting.
Roommate meeting! Gogo, what the hell? I've got a hangover! I don't give a [bleep.]
about your hangover, okay, Brendan? I want a roommate meeting, and I want it now! Okay.
Now, somebody's been taking [bleep.]
out of the refrigerator and throwing it on the ground, and it's pissing me off.
Is this another one of your stupid pranks, Jonald? No.
And your pranks are stupid.
- Is it you, Monday? - What? I said, somebody's been taking [bleep.]
out of the fridge and throwing it on the [bleep.]
ground.
And I want to know who it is, because it's not funny! Well, what I want to know is, who keeps pulling the sheets off my bed and hanging them from the ceiling fan at night? - Was that you, Monday? - What? Have you been taking everybody's sheets off them in the night and hanging them from the ceiling fans? What? No.
Well, clearly, someone's been doing that! Whoa! Who did that? Yeah! who the [bleep.]
just did that? Which one of you just threw that bottle? What are we even talking about right now? Did you [bleep.]
ing throw that bottle, Jonald? No, Gogo! [bleep.]
you! I didn't throw it! Well, did you [bleep.]
ing throw that bottle, Brendon? Yeah! You would do that, Brendon.
Dude, no! I didn't throw the bottle! Well, somebody threw that [bleep.]
ing bottle, and you're the one who drew dicks on everyone's forehead! Yeah, you did do that! But dicks are hilarious, though! This is just destructive! What about you, Monday? Did you throw that bottle? What bottle? The [bleep.]
ing bottle, dude! It just smashed against the wall, and you even said some [bleep.]
about it! Well, I didn't throw a bottle.
Well, obviously, it wasn't Ping.
He's got the best grades in the house.
Good point, Ping.
Come on, guys, let's cool it with the profanity.
You know Ping's very religious.
- Aw, Ping! - Ugh! Come on! Hello! - Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
Um, I am Keegan-Michael Key.
Yes, I'm Jordan Peele.
And we are Key and Peele.
Thanks for coming out.
Yep.
- Tomorrow is Halloween.
- Yes.
Yes, tomorrow is Halloween.
- It's a Halloween episode.
- Halloween episode.
What I don't understand is monsters in horror movies now.
Like, who wants to [bleep.]
monsters? Apparently, everybody now.
- It happened on-- - Twilight.
Everyone's having sex with vampires and werewolves and everybody.
I mean, you know, remember in the '30s? Nobody wanted to have sex with Frankenstein.
No.
Square-ass head.
Bolts coming out of his neck, you know.
Frankenstein having sex, Well, he'd just-- he could just throw his dick at a bitch, just-- Arrgh.
Brothers and sisters.
Ah, tonight, the newest member of our family will feast for the first time.
Ophelia Bring the new blood.
Ahh.
Brother Tyrell.
Welcome to the first night of your new and-- What are we wearing here? W-- Uh, i-I'm just wearing what I got bit in.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Do you have anything black? Or, like, pants with laces up the side of the leg would be good, just so you can still see the skin.
Uh, no.
That's not my style, so I ain't got none of that in my closet or nothin' like that.
Okay.
Anyway, we will tonight all feast! Come on, man.
Excuse me? I'm just saying, y'all over here licking and-- and hissing and whatnot.
If we gonna eat, then let's eat.
damn! Y-yes.
Of course, we will all feed.
Okay, yeah, that's enough.
Spread the meat.
Crunch! Cool.
Okay.
Did any of that actually get in your mouth? 'cause, I mean, now-- shoot.
No wonder y'all's hungry all the time.
See--uh-uh, uh-uh.
No, no, no, no.
See, look, why y'all gotta hiss when you flashin' your fangs? You know you can make your teeth come out without doing all that nonsense.
See? And can you two get a room? Seriously, y'all live in a damn mansion.
There gotta be some other place you could do that [bleep.]
.
I mean, are you two even lesbians? Look, I just don't understand why everything gotta be all sexual and licky.
Girl, seriously, man.
You gotta get your hands up off me 'fore I [bleep.]
you up.
[bleep.]
is nasty.
Creepy as [bleep.]
.
Been touching my nipple for 15 minutes.
All this [bleep.]
y'all is doing up in here? This is just, like, straight-up gratuitous.
I got bit on purpose so I could live forever and see future cars.
Yeah, cyrus, these pants are uncomfortable.
And I actually have a boyfriend.
And this song has been playing for, like, two years, and it sucks.
Wow.
This just seems desperate.
Okay, "desperate"? Really, Tristan? It's Christian.
- Really? - His name ain't even Tristan.
So do you all feel this way? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Kinda.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
It's like you can't even get good friends-- No, you're not even-- Okay, and you're leaving now.
That's-- I mean, you know what, dog, seriously, like, you could fix this place up.
It'd be dope, though.
For real.
Are cars gonna be able to fly, or is everything going to be on a magnetic track? I mean, that's what I want to know.
It's no big deal.
This O-negative tastes like pennies.
Oh, I'm sorry about-- Hey, hey.
No, no, no, nipple play is for private time.
What if all of this life we think we're living is just a dream, and when we wake up, you remember all of it? This is such bull[bleep.]
, you guys.
You guys know What extras are? They are-- They are the unsung heroes of the television and the film industry.
No, it's true, it's true.
Yes, because they're the people that stand in the background.
They don't have lines, but they make up the world.
It's fun to us when you see somebody maybe who's new who doesn't get how to do it.
- Right.
- Which happens on our show.
Well, yes.
There was one, our first-- This is--this is our favorite encounter Our favorite encounter that we've ever had.
With a guy, and we--to be fair, we didn't give him an exact line.
We said, all right, just say what you think would come out of your mouth.
- Jordan's playing Obama.
- Right.
And this guy was meeting Obama.
It was like, "Action!" and Jordan goes, "How you doing? Nice to meet you, everybody.
'How you doing? Nice to meet you.
" He just got his-- huge, masculine black dude, by the way.
- Big, big dude.
- It's actually-- You can actually look this up.
It's the Obama ATM sketch.
We actually slowed it down.
We're like, what is he saying? He's saying, "hey, what's up, Obama, baby?" Hey, man, this your first time? Oh, man.
I been doing zombie extra work on this show since day one, first season, man.
My first time.
Oh, it's your first time on this show? My first time being extra at all.
- Ever? - I'm kind of nervous.
Oh, wow.
okay, man.
Hey, man, it's That's all right.
But you'll be all right, man.
It's okay, man.
It's not that hard, man.
You'll be all right.
I'm-- Me personally, dude, I'm looking for that lunge bump, though.
What's-- What's a lunge bump? Oh, that's, uh, like if you, um, you get featured if you lunge at somebody, and then you get a bump in your pay.
And if you really lucky, man, they blow your head off.
That's straight bank right there.
All right, extras.
I'm the assistant director.
Gather round.
Jerry, hey, Jerry, I had a thought, man, about the first scene that y'all's doing-- - Not now, Stan.
- Steve, it's Steve.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I need somebody to lunge at the fence.
You think you can handle it? - Him? - Uh, yeah.
It's his first day, though.
He kinda nervous, man.
He kinda nervous.
It's his first day.
Okay, so the director's gonna yell "Action," Mack's gonna come by, and then you're just gonna lunge into the fence, like, Graaah! Y-You want me to say "Graaah"? - Oh, this is-- - Say whatever.
This is crazy.
Okay, all right.
Cool, man-- Hey, you know--hey.
That's cool.
Hey.
Hey, you know I got a lot more experience, man.
You can just use me.
I been here day one.
First season, so it--okay.
Cool, all right, that's fine.
You gonna go with him.
All right, good for you, man.
Good for you.
- Graaah? Graaah? - Nah, dude, do-- you don't have to say "graaah".
Do whatever the hell you want to do, man.
That's the lunge bump? That is the lunge bump, man.
You got it.
You got it.
On your first day.
Ever being a extra.
Ever.
You got it, man.
Good for you.
And action.
Aah! What's up, Obama, my baby? What the hell was that? Cut.
Oh, man, I would be more than happy to fill in, man.
I'd be more than happy to step in.
Mack, just remember when you're coming through the factory that, like, your mind is still on the car outside, all right? Hey, I mean, y'all gotta pick people based on qualifications, man.
- Okay.
- He don't have any experience.
It was a good note, good note.
But maybe what I was doing sort of superseded that.
Agreed.
Yeah, we were just - Yep.
- discussing that.
Absolutely, it supersedes it, yeah.
But let's do one that just cedes it, okay? Just same level.
We're going again straight away, okay? - Wow, okay.
- Right away, reset.
He's not doing a good job at it.
You're doing great, though, man.
Opportunity knocks, you gotta answer the door, man.
- And action.
- Wait till I tell you.
Me-me-me-me, me-me, Me-me-me-me-me-me-me! Cut.
I'd be more than happy to step in at any time you want me to.
I'd be more than happy to do it.
Just a certain sense of urgency is all we're looking for.
Clock's ticking, you got survivors to find, right? Can I tell y'all something for a second? This dude right here is not doing what a zombie does.
This dude was literally on our last take waving his hand up in the air like this, Jerry, making Beeker sounds.
He sounded like Beeker From The Muppets, y'all.
Thank you, that's great.
Just a ticking clock on this is all we're looking for, Because there are survivors, is what we're after.
- Okay.
- Oh, Jeez.
But I felt ambivalence in there.
The ambivalence is art.
It's gorgeous, and we love it.
But there are zombies, so if we could just pick up the pace, just a hair, that'd be great.
Straight away, please.
- Right away.
- All right, going again.
- Jerry, but Jerry, we're not doing Night of the Living Muppets, are we? - We are not.
- 'cause the Beeker - is not a zombie.
- Do you have any notes? Yeah, don't be a [bleep.]
ing Beeker.
- Quiet, please.
- Action.
I'm gonna eat your brain! Zombie.
Cut.
No! He actually just said the word "zombie"! Come on, man! Y'all ever hear of a zombie saying the word "zombie" before? No, you haven't.
I don't think so.
You know what? Get rid of this guy.
Thank you! That's what I'm talking about.
Dude, I'm sorry, dog, But you terrible at this, man.
- Him.
- Hey, man, no.
He talking about him.
He's talking about him, 'cause he said "zombie".
- Thank you, Steve.
- Because--no.
No, you want me to leave? Hey, man, I been up here staggering around here for 3 1/2 years, And I been startling extras left and right.
When do I get to startle the lead, huh? One more for safety.
Straight away, here we go.
- Still rolling.
- Action.
Hey, what do we do if we have to go to the bathroom? We like it? - I love it.
Genius.
Moving on.
- I got it.
I was in--I've been-- I was in First Class once.
You ever fly First Class? They give you that hot towel.
when you're sitting next to a person who, like, your first-- It's your first time in First Class, and you're sitting next to a person who knows how to use the towel.
I mean, the person that, you know-- He's using his towel.
You're just out there talking about-- I wouldn't-- I wouldn't-- No, don't, don't, Don't, don't, don't.
You don't want to do that.
You will be in room 237.
And you have free Wi-Fi there.
Also, from 6:00 a.
m.
to 10:00 a.
m.
every morning, there's a free continental breakfast.
Hmm.
Continental breakfast.
Yes, from 6:00 a.
m.
To 10:00 a.
m.
So it's continental, then.
Mm-hmm, yep.
Very good.
Eh, garçon.
One admission for the continental breakfast.
You can just help yourself, sir.
Hmm, interesting.
European style.
Mm.
Ahh.
When in Rome Hmm, the forbidden fruit.
Well, aren't you a tiny plum.
Well, ladee da.
Paper and everything.
And who are you, my little friend? Not a spoon Not a fork But something in between.
A "fopoon".
What will you think of next, Germany? Ahh.
All the "Euro-pine" countries lay before me.
Where should I fly to first? Ahh.
The pit of the doughnut.
Mm, thank you, Turkey.
Mm, buckle up.
Let's see where we shall go next.
Ah, the Danish! Clearly from Brussels.
Mm.
Mm, mm! Mm! Hello, Greece, where the yogurt flows like water.
Mm, yes, Like go-gurt, but to stay.
Mm.
Mm, so good! Mm, pulling into Spain.
Mm! Baked to perfection.
Can you believe it? It all comes with the room! Mm! Mm, mm! Yes! Mm! I love being in-continent! I love being in-continent! A delight to the senses, isn't it, my friend? Isn't it? yes! I'll have what I'm having! I'll have what I'm having! So good.
It's so good.
Thanks.
Oh, good afternoon, sir.
How can I help you? Well, Davis, I will be staying indefinitely.
But, sir, don't you know that you've always been here? - Really? - Mm-hmm.
Continental breakfast? Right around the corner.
You guys know that guy that always says, "Hey, man, everything happen for a reason"? Ever-- You know, the guy who says, "Everything happen for a reason," doesn't have a [bleep.]
ing job.
You ever notice that? - I think I know the reason - Yeah.
for that.
'cause your ass-- you showed up late, talking about, "Everything happen for a reason.
" Could be worse.
Not that bad.
For me, it's all about perspective.
It's what you make of it.
Look, can I tell you something? All things considered, I'm actually kind of comfortable right now.
Thank God for shock.
I can be the kind of prisoner I want to be.
We're still alive.
Thank you.
Right? - Mm-hmm.
- Just two injured buddies.
- Yes, yeah, mm-hmm.
having a friendly convo while we're waiting to get tortured again.
And, you know, there's a kind of a positive in having no options.
- Yes.
- Because, you know, we're not even gonna try to escape - 'cause we know we'd fail.
- Yes.
Tell you another thing.
Don't miss the arm.
- Really? - First of all, lefty.
Okay? So this thing pretty much got in the way.
- Ha.
- Keep it, buddy! You fools, blathering away! Your suffering has only just begun.
Wow.
That is a perfect summation of the human condition.
And once you've embraced that, you can do anything.
Bingo.
No one has ever suffered as you will! Hah hah hah hah hah hah! You love your work, and that kind of a positive attitude, quite frankly, it's contagious.
It is.
Well, we'll see how positive you're feeling after I cover your body in gasoline and set you on fire! You know what, it's amazing that you would say that, 'cause I was just thinking it's getting a little chilly in here.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thanks so much, man.
Damn it! What a dramatic and fascinating man.
I think we owe him big time.
- As do I.
- Really.
I mean, all this time away from my computer, my phone, my work, it's just-- I feel unplugged.
Yes, yes.
Oh.
Oh.
Aww.
Circle of life.
Nants Ingonyama.
And I can't really feel anything anyway, so you help yourself, buddy.
Oh, what do you got there? Do you see this? This is what I'm going to use to cut off your legs! Finally! That's a great saw.
I'm a home improvement guy, and I know my saws, and I gotta tell you, if you're cutting off legs, that is the way to go.
- That's the one? - That is definitely the one.
- Good on ya.
- Why are you doing this to me? You're making me crazy! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Somebody needs a day off.
We, of all people, should know how hard he works.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Make them stop! This is torture! Noooo! Jordan, say good-bye to the people.
Mm Bye-bye, Obama, baby.
Good night, everybody.
Happy Halloween! Happy Halloween! I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.