Lead Balloon (2006) s03e07 Episode Script

(MUSIC PLAYING) When there's a smile in your heart When there's a smile in your heart There's no better time to start There's no better time to start It's a bey simple plan You can do Boo! You're rubbish, mate! Boo! At least it's worth a ty Boo! You're rubbish! Get off! You can fly, you can fly You can fly, you can fly Get off! You can fly Ooh! I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain He sent her to casualty? Well, he insisted.
But what do they know, these St John's Ambulance people? Half the audience thought they were part of the pantomime, running down the aisle in their stupid costumes.
- There was a tiny bruise.
- Maybe hand the sweets out from now on.
You see, that's what Marcus said.
He's a useless director.
- You said you liked him.
- Yeah, but my character wouldn't do that.
He'd throw the sweets.
He's a pirate.
There's aggression there.
This is someone who's spent his whole life at sea.
- Right.
- Marcus wants to undermine all that.
- It was the same with the crocodile.
- Must be bey frustrating.
Well, you know what it's like.
You've got enough clients doing pantomime.
Yes, I have, although none of them seem to agonise over it quite as much as you do.
Yeah, well, that's cos they're not proper actors, are they? A card from Liz and Stuart.
Oh, damn.
Must send them one.
What's the point? Haven't seen them for years.
Haven't missed them.
Don't care how they are.
Happy Christmas(!) So, has Sam decided what she's gonna be doing on Christmas Day yet? Yeah, she's going to Ben's.
It'll be strange, Christmas Day, just the two of us.
Be nice, be like old times, yeah? Just you and me.
Oh, bloody hell.
- Mandy.
Who else? - (DOOR OPENS) - oh.
- And she signed it from her cat.
Oh, hi, Magda.
You're looking bey Christmassy(!) Oh, well.
Least he won't have to face the war crimes trial now.
- Or the firing squad, for that matter.
- He was bey good man.
- I don't think so, not if you read - This is not true.
- Well, the Baltic Butcher? - This is lies.
You don't get a nickname like that for your lamb chops.
- Was not Baltic, was from small town - That's hardly the point.
So, Magda, when's your mother arriving? You must be looking forward to it.
She's not coming.
There is national week of mourning.
Will you bejoining in? Yes, I am in mourning now.
Oh, sorry, I didn't realise.
(THUMP) - (SIGHS) I wish you'd put that down.
- Getting into the mind-set of the reader.
It's you, that's who the magazine's aimed at.
Juvenile tit fanatics who don't have the courage to buy real porn.
Once again, you underestimate me.
So, what are we supposed to be writing for them? Predictions.
They want a list of funny things that'll happen in the new year.
- How come they asked you? - They need names like mine on the cover.
Yeah, sure they do(!) To be honest, I could do without it on my day off.
Ah, yes, poor you.
Must be so demanding.
- It is.
- Night after night, being booed.
- It's not just about being - Now the pantomime.
It's pointless tying to explain pantomime to you - you're an American.
And an adult.
- It's postmodern irony.
- Modern irony.
I know.
- Hiya.
- Hey, Sam.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi.
So, been to see your dad's panto yet? No, it's not really my thing.
No, me neither.
So, what are you gonna do for Christmas? ErI think I'm gonna go round to Ben's house, cos his mum's out of town so - You gonna do turkey, the whole deal? - No, probably just phone out for a pizza.
Do you think it's gonna be open on Christmas Day? Oh, yeah.
Well, I suppose we'll get a Chinese, then.
Hm.
Erso, what about you? I'm getting out of here.
I'm not a Christmas person.
- I get on a plane and head for the sun.
- Cool.
Ideally, some Arab state where carol-singing is punishable by death.
(LAUGHS) - So, Dad, you know my Christmas present? - Yeah.
- Well, you know how usually I get money? - Yeah Well, do you think, ummaybe I could open my Christmas present now? No! No, you'll have to wait.
Sorry.
Nice ty.
Fair enough, I just thought I'd ask.
- Did you get a present for Ben? - Erno, not really.
Just, umthought I'd make him some mince pies.
Yeah.
Anyway, I'm gonna go.
- It's quite sweet, making mince pies.
- Yeah.
I think you'll find they have a special ingredient.
- It was Mel's idea.
- OK.
We spent a lot on the house, she said, "Don't buy me anything expensive", so we're just gonna get each other token presents.
- Yeah, right! - What? No, you do that.
You buy Mel a token present.
What's this? Need some ideas for Christmas presents? No, Mel and I are getting each other token presents.
- That's a pity.
- No, because it was Mel who said we - Christmas is a time for generosity.
- Mm.
Romantic surprises.
You let that special person in your life know how much you care.
- Oh? - Especially if it's a new relationship.
- Oh, dear.
- Is there something we ought to know? I'm saying nothing.
(MICHAEL AND MARTY LAUGH) - Coffee? - Please.
- Measure of rum for Cap'n Hook? - Oh, look, we have been into all that.
- I'm not Captain Hook, I'm Mr Spleen, OK? - Oh, yes, of course.
- It is actually a bigger part.
- Surely not? - I have 2 more lines than him.
- Not about the lines, is it? - Maybe you should come and see it.
- No, thanks.
Coffee instead, then? - Yeah, please.
- Aye-aye.
- He's happy, he met someone.
- Oh, good for him(!) Let's hope she buys him a straitjacket for Christmas.
- Is it a bad idea, the token presents? - Look, I know Mel.
She's not gonna get you a token present.
She'll buy you a home cinema system, and you're gonna be left watching her unwrap a bar of soap and a magazine.
I wasn't gonna buy her two token presents.
- There you go, coffee.
- And cookies.
Yes, yes.
Well, biscuits.
Just a little flourish that someone suggested.
(CHUCKLES) OK, Michael, who is she? Well, I was tying to keep it secret, but since you ask, erher name's Zoe.
- Zoe? - Go on.
Yeah, so often when you meet someone in a chatroom, it all ends in tears, but, erZoe's different We really hit it off.
I'm bey happy for you, Michael.
- Oh, yeah, me too.
I'm pleased for you.
- Thanks.
I knew you would be.
Yes, you know when it's right and, er well, this is it.
This is the one, yeah.
Them's not jingle bells, Cap'n, them's wedding bells! Yeah, I'm not Captain Hook.
- Why can't you be happy for him? - It won't last.
He's far too keen.
Talking about marriage already.
Right, so that's two things women hate, generous presents and commitment.
- The Rick Spleen guide to relationships.
- He'll scare her off.
She's met him, but that didn't scare her off.
What the hell is that doing here? I don't know the nearest post office to this address.
Well, how are you spelling post office? Well, you know what? No, leave it.
It's fine, really.
Itit My God.
- Did anyone see the postman? - BOTH: No.
He's left his trolley in the front garden.
- Relax.
He'll be back for it.
- No, he won't.
- It's mine.
- The trolley's yours? - Yeah, I got sort of a Christmas round.
- Why did you say no when I just asked? Cos you asked me if I'd seen the postman, and I didn't.
And I said no because I knew that Ben was a postman but I didn't know that it was his trolley.
How about you, Magda? How much did you know? - Did not know Ben was a postman.
- Yeah, all right.
- At least you got a job.
- Yeah, it's only casual, but - Ideal.
- Mm.
And you finish early, which is a plus.
No, I haven't really finished, just taking a breather.
He had to pull the trolley up the hill.
Oh, God(!) - I know.
They should give me a van.
- Except you can't drive.
- That's a good point.
- Thank you.
Yeah, Dad.
So, anyway, I'm not gonna be spending Christmas Day at Ben's after all.
Yeah, my mum's decided not to go away so I thought I'll come round here and chill.
- Ah, I don't know if that's gonna be - No, I rang Mum and she said it was fine.
Move, please.
So long as it's just the two of you.
I don't want Spikey coming over.
No, no, not if you don't want.
- No, I don't want.
- Spikey'll be on his own for Christmas.
That would be the plan, yeah.
He is not the only one alone.
(RICK SIGHS) - What's up with her? - President thing, he died, heart attack.
Oh, the Baltic Butcher.
Yeah, but please don't say that.
She's officially in mourning.
- How can you tell? - I already cracked that one.
Good job.
Is that tree losing its needles? Oh, they always do that the first couple of days, then they settle down.
It's the central heating.
Oh, why does my mother have to send me a hamper every year? You shouldn't be opening that now.
Wait till Christmas Day.
- It'll be a nice surprise.
- Last year's had a Toblerone in it.
She knows bey well I nearly choked to death on a bit of that when I was seven.
- What kind of message does that send? - She didn't realise it was in there.
Yeah, she has no idea what she's given me for Christmas.
Just a box load of tat that'll end up in the back of the cupboard.
It's like winning the tombola at an old people's home.
I mean look at that.
- Candied peel.
- Oh, I like candied peel.
No, you don't.
It has no use.
They can't sell it in the shops so they stick it in all the hampers.
What do you suggest for a Christmas hamper? They're hardly gonna fill it with washing-up liquid and toilet roll.
No, no.
We're stuck with it now, unless we give it away to someone for a present.
- Who do we really dislike? - Look, cashew nuts.
You like them.
Not really I don't.
I'd rather have pistachios or Brazil - You can't get Brazil nuts any more.
- Of course you can.
Not in their shells.
They don't sell them.
- Why do they have to be in their shells? - So you can crack them.
- Well, crack other nuts.
- It's not the same.
- Hiya.
- Oh, hi, Sam.
- What are you doing? - He's opening his present from Gran.
- (PHONE RINGS) - But I couldn't open mine till Christmas.
- Sorry.
- Ah, yeah, it's a bit different.
- Well, why is it different? - Well, because I know what this is.
Yeah, but I know that you're giving me money, though.
Yeah, but this is perishables and it won't last.
- Yeah, but money won't last.
- MEL: oh, oK.
- Is that tree all right? - MEL: Do you want me to come down? Yeah, it's just settling down.
It's the central heating.
- Maybe you should water it.
- Yeah, I have watered it.
- It seems to be losing its needles.
- They always do that.
It's acclimatising.
- Let me know, won't you? Bye.
- What's up? Danny Watson.
You know who Danny Watson is.
- He does Saturday Mornin Mad House.
- Oh, God, him.
- He's been arrested.
- What's he done? He was in a fight in a transvestite club.
(SNIGGERS) Sorry.
- Aww.
What happened? - Did someone turn up in the same dress? Maybe.
Oh.
Oh, that's nice.
D3: when it comes to Christmas, there literally is magic in the air.
it's such a lovely time (SOMBRE MUSIC) (MUSIC STOPS) - Oh, sorry.
Were you listening to that? - Doesn't matter.
Still in mourning, then, yeah? Yes, until after funeral.
- When is that? Is quite soon? - Day after tomorrow.
Oh, good.
And then all the mourning will be over, will it? Yes.
But Mother will be sad for long time, I think.
Oh, dear.
Can you get Brazil nuts in your county? - Seen this? - (chuckles) - Hilarious.
- It's one of Mel's clients.
- No kidding?! So, what happened? - He got into a fight.
Probably someone turned up wearing the same dress as him.
See? You can be funny.
Can we get on with these predictions? I've gotta be at work later.
Oh, yes, Peter Pan awaits, along with a half-full theatre.
No, you wait till word of mouth gets round.
OK.
OK, predictions.
I predict your tree will lose all its needles by Christmas.
- Oh, God, don't you start.
- What's the matter with it? Nothing, it's settling in.
- You should have got a non-drop one.
- It is non-drop.
I specifically asked.
- Where did you get it? - From that guy by the Tube station.
The guy with the neck tattoos, tried to sell you some speakers? - Yes, him.
- Funny, he seems so trustworthy(!) - You watering it? - Yeah, of course I'm watering it.
It's the central heating.
It grew up outside in the cold.
That's what it's used to.
Then you bring it inside, it can't cope.
It's like Magda.
I'm surprised her hair didn't fall out when she came to live here.
Oh, God, it's Clive.
What does he want? Ah.
Hello, Rick.
Sorry to bother you.
Is it, erconvenient to have a word? Not really.
I'm in the middle of writing something.
- Only it is rather important.
- Like I say, I am working.
You were just chatting a minute ago, weren't you? - I don't think so.
We weren't chatting.
- It looked to me like you were chatting.
Well, we were chatting about work.
That's what we do.
(SIGHS) - All right, what's it about? - I think inside would be best.
- Is it all right to talk in front of - Oh, yes, of course.
Rick, it's about your pantomime.
Oh, yeah, if you want tickets, I'm afraid it's sold out.
No, no, no, no, I don't want tickets.
- It's about my mother.
- What about her? - She came to the panto the other night.
- Did she? There was an incident with a member of the audience.
- What, you mean it was your - Yes, it was my mother.
You hit her in the face with a bag of sweets.
- It was an accident.
- She's badly shaken up.
- They were just Jelly Tots.
- She's got a nasty bruise near her eye.
Sorry about that.
Look, if you'd like free tickets, I can get you She doesn't wanna go again.
I mean, what were you thinking of? - You could have somebody's eye out.
- It was part of the show.
It's a dangerous part of the show, as I said when I contacted the theatre manager.
Oh.
From what I hear, you were out of control.
I wasn't out of control.
I'm a pirate.
Well, that's no excuse for injuring an 8-year-old woman.
I was in character.
What Rick's tying to say is that it was in the context of the show, and he was doing it, you know, like a pirate.
- Pirate.
- It was an accident.
Yeah, and I think my point is, um - Marty.
- Marty, that it mustn't happen again.
So, what you need to do is this.
Wrap the sweets in something soft.
- Like so.
- That's a neat idea.
So, any impact, accidental or otherwise, will be cushioned.
- You mustn't hurl it at the audience.
- I didn't.
According to the theatre manager, you did.
So, can I suggest that you toss the foam-wrapped sweets in an upward trajectoy so that they land gently amongst the audience? Will do.
- Would you mind showing me? - Well, no, I - Shall I be the audience? - If you would, Marty.
- Thanks, Marty.
- You're welcome.
- Do you want me to - Yeah.
Excellent.
Much less dangerous and just as much fun.
- Thanks, Clive.
- You're bey welcome, Marty.
Good.
Well, if there's anything else I can do for you? - Maybe muzzle the crocodile or - Look, I'm just tying to help.
The least you can do is pay me the courtesy of not being sarcastic.
OK, I'm sorry.
Fine.
Well, we'll leave it at that, then.
Oh, by the way.
- Your tree's losing its needles.
- Yes, I know.
- Really, you should water it.
- Oh, I have.
I always get one of those non-drop types.
Never a problem.
It's another good idea.
Nuts, me? Yes, do you know anyone who supplies nuts? I'm tying to get Brazil nuts in their shells.
Oh, Brazil nuts? I seem to remember they were banned a couple of years ago.
- See? Potentially lethal.
- Shell's got some kind of poison.
No, it isn't.
When did you hear of anyone being harmed by Brazil nuts? You can buy cigarettes, and carving knives and Rottweilers, but you can't get Brazil nuts in their shells.
- It's pathetic, isn't it? - I can't say I'm bothered, to be honest.
Oh, have you seen the tree? Zoe did it.
- Very nice.
- She's brilliant.
She said, "I'll do the tree for you " and look.
She's such a natural, so creative.
- Marty, you'd really get on with her.
- Looking forward to meeting her.
- Watch the needles don't drop.
- (CHUCKLES) As if.
That doesn't happen any more, not if you get the right sort.
Exactly.
So, you and Zoe have any plans for Christmas? Oh, yes.
Yes, Christmas Eve, she's coming over to my place.
- Light the fire, nice bottle of wine.
- I'm getting the picture.
Cook something special, maybe snuggle up, watch a movie and then Cray or what? (# MATT NATHANSON: Little Victories) This time, I'll be sailing I'll be out here on the sea Just my confidence and me I'll learn to let by on the little vidories.
- (DOOR SHUTS) - Hi.
Good show? - You won't believe what I did.
- Go on.
You know Captain Hook? You know the big speech he does on the ship? I can't say I remember it.
Yes, you do, just before the crocodile starts the chorus.
Anyway, he has to down a tankard of rum in one go.
Obviously it's Ribena.
(LAUGHS) - You'll never guess what I did.
- You didn't? Spiked it with vodka.
You should have seen his face.
- That's a terrible trick to play.
- It was really funny.
- Well, what if he's driving? - No, he gets a car.
Actually, I don't know why he gets a car.
Spleen is actually a bigger part.
- Do you know, I get 2 - 2 more lines, you told me.
- Did I? - Yeah.
Anyway, the cast thought it was hilarious.
Most of them.
Good.
Oh, um just so you know I was talking to Magda today, and the subject of Christmas Day came up.
- Oh, no.
- She's gonna be on her own.
I was really looking forward to Christmas, just the two of us.
Now Magda's coming, and Ben.
It's like running a drop-in centre.
- We can still enjoy it.
- No, we can't.
That's that, isn't it? Christmas is ruined.
(TUTS AND SIGHS) I mean, look at that tree.
It's like a television aerial.
That bastard said it was non-drop.
Come on.
Some people dre having a worse Christmas.
- I'd like to know who.
- Danny Watson.
- Oh, yeah, how is Danny? - Not good.
He might be spending Christmas in prison.
God.
Hope you told him not to wear the dress.
(HOOVER ON) Hi, Magda.
- (HOOVER OFF) - Hello.
Yeah, I see they had the funeral yesterday, for your president.
- Was bey sad day.
- Yeah, I saw it on the news.
Yeah, shame about the riots, I thought.
- Was some bad people.
- Was it? Hm.
So, have you finished with all the mourning now? Of course.
I am looking forward to Christmas.
Yeah.
You're still coming here, then? Yes, thank you.
But why is tree like this? There's nothing left.
Yeah, I know.
Still, only one more day to go and then it'll all be over anyway.
Hm.
Look like tree from my town when power station have blown up.
All trees for many miles look like this.
Oh, well at least you didn't pay'20 quid for it.
- Ugh.
I must empty Hoover - Mm-hm.
And tomorrow I will bring fish for lunch.
Ah, no, no, no need.
All the food's taken care of.
But it's tradition at home.
We must have carp.
Ah, well, not here we mustn't.
Yes, we keep him in the bath until Christmas Eve and then (SMACK) Well, that sounds lovely but, you see, over here we have turkey with stuffing and roast potatoes, sprouts, cranberry sauce.
- Sprouts? - Yeah, little round vegetables, green - Ah, yes, peas.
- No, not peas.
If I meant peas, I would've said peas.
OK, so you don't want me to bring fish? Ah, on the whole, I think definitely not.
OK, I will just bring shoe.
- What? - For sweets.
You put sweets in shoe.
It's bey nice.
Yeah, fine, bring a shoe.
- All right? - Hello.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Sam, Ben.
So, you finished early? Eryeah, finished a couple of days ago, actually.
- What, so there's no more work for you? - They sort of told Ben to leave.
- What? So, you were fired? - I'm not sure.
It was all a bit weird.
- What happened? - I kept getting more stuff to deliver.
- Yeah, it was just getting ridiculous.
- Yeah.
I said to the manager, "Look, you need to sort this out.
"We need some extra staff, right?" - Yeah.
What did he say? - Well, he, like, just turned on Ben.
- Yeah? - Said, "You are the extra effing staff.
" "Now effing well get on with it.
" - That's not bey Christmassy.
- Exactly.
Yeah, so next day it gets to about five o'clock.
Yeah, and he's still got all this stuff to deliver.
I mean, it's only Christmas cards, you know, nothing important.
No, just Christmas cards(!) I thought, "Well, I'm never gonna get all this done " so I just thought - Chuck 'em in a skip? - No, Dad, Ben wouldn't do that.
No.
Canal? - No, I just thought I'd post them.
- What do you mean? - Well, just shove them in a postbox.
- They'll still get there.
- Yeah, same difference.
- Yeah.
Then they found out, because all this mail came back that had been stamped.
- And they noticed? - That's when it all kicked off, you see.
So, you were sacked.
I don't know really, he just said, "Eff off, you effing lay effing C-word.
" Well, I'd say that was pretty much sacked.
Huh.
What's wrong with your tree? There you go, O hilarious predictions for the readers of Crack magazine to ignore.
- We're done.
- Last gag of the year.
- Well, your last gag was in October.
- Ha-ha-ha(!) Want to get some lunch? No, I can't, I've got to catch that flight.
That hotel pool is beckoning.
Come and get a sandwich.
I'll tell you what I did to Captain Hook.
Let me guess.
You glued his sword in so he couldn't get it out? - No, funnier then that.
- Filled his pipe with flour? - How did you know? - I know how your mind works.
Which reminds me, before I forget just a token present.
- Where did you find them? - Contacts.
It's best you don't know.
Ah.
Thanks, Marty, that's made my Christmas.
You're bey sad.
Ididn't get you anything.
Where is he? Probably out the back baking a wedding cake.
Are you kidding? He's probably booking the honeymoon and choosing nursery furniture.
OK, show me what you got Mel.
- You want to see it? - Yeah.
OK.
- Oh.
- Nice, huh? - Very nice indeed.
- Should be.
Cost enough.
Trust me, you're doing the right thing.
You can never be too romantic.
Look at Michael.
Zoe's left me.
It's all over between us, What can I get you? Oh, Michael.
I'm so sorry, man.
Found out this morning.
Hadn't heard from her for a couple days.
Just assumed she was busy with work.
Tried calling her, eventually she picked up the phone, said she'd written me a long letter explaining, but I hadn't received it.
Haven't received any post, actually.
No, I think she was felt it was all moving a bit too fast for her.
- Such a shame.
- Yeah, isn't it? - Maybe it got posted again or something? - What? Sorry, no, I was just thinking what could have happened to the letter.
- That's hardly the point, is it? - No, no.
It's just that at this time of year they take on a lot of extra staff.
Some of them don't know what they're doing.
Maybe one of them would have Like Michael said, that's hardly the point.
Still, life goes on.
- What you got in the box? - Oh, that.
No, that's just nothing.
- No, let's have a butcher's.
- Er It's justyou know.
- For Mel? - Yeah, I That'sthat's beautiful.
You're bey lucky.
Yeah, II know.
Although it's not just luck.
- You do have to work at relationships.
- Rick.
No, no, he's right.
Although, obviously, that's something Zoe has yet to learn.
(MICHAEL SNORTS) - So, will you be all right tomorrow? - Hmm? You're not gonna spend Christmas Day on your own? On my own? Oh, God, no, no.
There's a couple of mates in the same boat and we're gonna meet up, find a pub, generally celebrate bachelor life.
- (LAUGHS) No, it'll be great.
- Oh, good.
That's all right, then.
Can I have the mushroom risotto, please? (# JOSHUA RADIN: Closer) So we're alone again Your talking is just noise And won't lay me down Only get closer To the point where un take no more Won't you be the new one? Burn to shine I take the blue ones every time Walk me down your broken line All you have to do is cy Yes, all you have to do is cy.
Oh, hi! How was the show? RICK: Yeah, not bad.
(SHE LAUGHS) - What? - Why are you still in costume? Oh, I thought I'd get changed at home, save time, really.
- What's happened? - Nothing.
- What have you been cooking? - That's Sam making some mince pies.
- Oh, for Ben? - Yeah.
- So, come on, what's with the costume? - Oh, it's Captain Hook.
I don't like sharing a dressing room with him.
There's an atmosphere.
This wouldn't be anything to do with you playing tricks on him? I just glued his sword so he couldn't get it out.
It made it funnier.
The audience thought it was hysterical.
- You want to watch yourself.
- He's all right, he's just a bit arsey.
Someone told me he's an ex-alcoholic.
He's back on the bottle.
Big time.
No willpower.
Anyway, what you got here? Just a few bits I'm wrapping.
No looking.
- I just want to see.
- Oi, hands off! - It's gonna be quite fun tomorrow.
- Mm.
You got a present for Magda? - Course I did, I got her some perfume.
- Yeah, why not? She's probably wrapping up a carp for us even as we speak.
- Oh, I hope not.
That's what I got you.
- Ha.
- Oh, might as well get out of this lot.
- Oh, do you have to? Does this I am joking! Sorry.
- Yeah.
Huh.
- (SHE LAUGHS) - (# Winter Wonderland) - Here we are, happy Christmas.
OTHERS: Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas.
Oh, I won't.
Thanks, Magda.
- I'm fine, thanks.
- Rick.
ErI'm OK, thanks, Magda.
Mm.
Cheers.
- Oh, you pig.
What's wrong with you? - I've got the munchies.
How many of those mince pies have you had? Just one.
You see, Magda? Now, you see, that is a sprout.
- That is sprout.
- Mm, sprout.
Oh, Rick, we've run out of milk.
- I can get.
- Oh, would you, Magda? Thanks.
No, you're our guest.
You relax.
Rick, hurry before the shop shuts.
- Well, it won't be open.
- Yes, is open till 12 today.
OK, I'll go.
See, why couldn't that hamper have had milk in it? Something you actually need instead of macaroons - and jars of crystallised nose-pickings.
- (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) Macaroons(!) - It's like a pony with stripes.
- Stripy pony! - Almost.
- Oh, the things you get on the road.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Dead fox! - (LAUGHS) Dead fox.
- Hello, everyone.
Guess who's here.
- Michael! - Hello.
Sorry to gatecrash.
I bumped into Rick, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.
- What a nice surprise.
Happy Christmas.
- I'll get you a drink.
- You sure this is OK? - Of course.
Rick no doubt told you I've had a bit of a setback on the girlfriend front I'm so sorry.
Come on, let's sit down.
Michael, Michael.
Would you like to be a kettle? - Er, no.
- Ah, you div.
Am zebra, am zebra! - Hooray! - Am zebra.
Am zebra.
MICHAEL: And eventually have children together.
But, erit wasn't to be.
Zoe obviously had other ideas.
Sorry.
Yes.
So, now we've gone our separate ways, and all I'm left with is a a rather beautiful engagement ring.
(SUCKS SWEET) But you can take back to shop, huh? Well, yes, yes.
When I can face it, I might.
Anyway, enough of my woes.
What did you two get each other for Christmas? ErSam just made me some mince pies.
Oh, home baking, can't beat it.
Is that them? Can I have a look? - Er - Erthey're not bey good.
I'll be the judge of that.
I am in the business.
Yeah, II wouldn't bother, really.
Oh, they look delicious.
- May I, Ben? - Er Oh, no, they're really bey, bey good.
Mm, what's the spice? It's just my own recipe.
Mm, what is it? Don't tell me.
Oh, that's gonna drive me cray.
- He was just sitting there.
- All on his own? Yeah, so I went back and invited him.
I'm sorry.
No, don't be.
It was a really lovely thing to do.
Yeah, I know, but so much for our nice quiet Christmas together.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Sam, can you get that, please? SAM: OK.
If that's Spikey, we are not inviting him in for Christmas dinner.
Come on, one more won't make any difference.
It's bad enough having Michael here.
I don't want some drugged-up lunatic at the table.
- Ta-da! - Marty! - How about those airlines, huh? - For once I'm relieved to see you.
They overbooked my flight.
How hard is it to know how many seats you have on your plane? So, it was hang around Heathrow for q8 hours, or go visit my best friends.
- Kg.
- They weren't in so I came round here.
- See what I did there with the - Yeah.
- There's something you ought to know.
- Michael's here.
- Michael? No kidding? - He was sitting on a bench on his own.
- So, he invited him back.
- Rick did that? - Have you checked his temperature? - (LAUGHS) - Why is that so strange? - (THEY LAUGH) - SAM: Erare you OK? - Hm? Oh, yeah, fine.
I don't suppose you've got any more of those mince pies, have you? Erno, I think they've all gone, I'm afraid.
Hey, everyone, look who's here.
- Hello.
- BEN: Hey, Marty.
- Hey, Ben.
- Happy Christmas.
Oh, it is, now that I've seen you, Magda.
Michael, nice surprise.
Hello.
Yeah, so I was supposed to fly out last night but it didn't happen so - Theseare my friends.
- So it would seem.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Hey, nice bracelet.
I know.
Rick gave me it.
He's naughty.
We agreed token presents this year.
Sowhat did she get you? Erthis game.
It's great.
A lot of fun.
Thanks for that tip(!) So, Marty, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna get your money back or what? No, they got me a flight day after tomorrow so I'll be there for New Year.
Come to my café for New Year.
I want you all to come to my café.
And I mean everyone.
Cos, you know what? I love New Year.
And I love all of you.
- What the hell's the matter with him? - He's had a couple of drinks.
The main thing is you've made his Christmas.
- I suppose so.
Heh.
- See? I told you we'd have a lovely time.
Yeah.
Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas.
(KNOCKING) - Look, it's an elf.
- RICK: Oh, God.
What does he want? Hello, Rick.
Happy Christmas.
- If this is another complaint - No, quite the opposite, actually.
My mother's having a bit of a rest so I thought I'd pop round with this.
- Bit of a peace offering.
- Oh, candied peel.
Great, thanks.
Yes, I thought I might have been a bit harsh with you the other day.
Wanted you to know there were no hard feelings.
It is Christmas, after all.
Yeah.
Well, thanks.
She'sshe's feeling a lot better, you'll be glad to hear.
- My mother.
- Oh, good, good.
Well, happy Christmas.
Sounds like you've got a full house in there.
Yeah, we're just having a quiet one ourselves, me and my mother, but, as I say, she's.
.
she's sleeping at the moment, so, er - MEL: Yes, darling.
- MARTY: Yes, got to know where to look.
- All right, everyone? Clive is here.
- Oh, hello.
Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Oh, hi, Marty.
- Hey.
- Clive, this is Michael.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Would you like some fizzy wine? - Champagne.
- Oh, thanking you.
Ta.
- That's what it is.
- (MICHAEL SIGHS) - Well, this is all bey nice, I must say.
Bit like being at a wedding, isn't it? Are you bride or groom? - What? - You know.
Why mention weddings? Why bring that into it? - How's your mother? Has she recovered? - Oh, yes, she has, thanks, almost fully.
- Cos it was a tiny bruise, wasn't it? - Well - What's this? - It's a long story.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) No, not really.
Rick threw a packet of sweets at my mother, hit her in the face.
- No, I didn't throw it at her, remember? - She's badly bruised.
- Oh, let's not get into all that again.
- What sort of sweets? - Well, it hardly matters.
- Jelly Tots.
- (LAUGHS) Jelly Tots.
- It wasn't funny.
- What is Jelly Tots? - Erthey're just bey tiny soft sweets.
But the corner of the packet's actually quite sharp.
Still only sweets, though, isn't it? It's not like I threw a chisel at her.
You don't seem bey remorseful.
If you've just come over here to have another go at me I might have known this would happen.
I think I better leave you to it and - Oh, no, Clive, don't go.
- go and check on my mother.
Yeah, why don't you do that? - Sorry, what's it got to do with you? - Go on, mummy's boy.
- Michael.
- Run along.
- There's no need to be rude.
- I'm so sorry.
He's bey upset.
- His girlfriend's just dumped him.
- I mean, just what is your problem? Mr Jelly Tot.
It's Clive, actually, and I think the question is, what's your problem? Oh, shut up.
You come over here insulting my best friend.
- We should go and get some fresh air.
- I'll be fine when he's gone.
He wants a secure unit, he does.
I'm not surprised your girlfriend left you.
- You need help.
- Just get out.
And while you're at it, why don't you take your stupid mother some nuts? - MEL: Michael! - Agh! MEL: Oh.
Oh, dear.
I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it'll blow away my soul like a hurricane (MUSIC PLAYING) When there's a smile in your heart When there's a smile in your heart There's no better time to start There's no better time to start It's a bey simple plan You can do what birdies can At least it's worth a ty You can fly, you can fly You can fly, you can fly (LAUGHTER) You can fly, you can fly You can fly, you can fly RICK: Yeah, that's meant to happen.
Happy Christmas, everyone.