Less Than Kind (2008) s03e07 Episode Script

JOSH: Hello? What about Shandra? Yeah, I know.
But there's this voice inside of me that just keeps saying, "Don't die without fucking your old babysitter.
" ANNE: Previously on Less Than Kind When I was eight, I used to finger my pillow and pretend it was you.
Oh yeah? Shandra! (Groaning) Stop sign! Stop! The brakes aren't working! (Horn honking) Save yourself! Ah! CLARA: Did you abandon a student in a moving car with no brakes? Who told you that? Josh, when you tell someone you're going to take care of things, you actually have to take care of things! Do you understand what I'm saying? Yes, ma'am.
Now, let's go over this again.
We have 22 lessons tomorrow.
And nobody can flake.
You looked right at me when you said that.
Mom, did you see that? Clara, you could be nicer.
I just want him to commit.
I am committed! I booked a commercial and I told them I couldn't shoot tomorrow.
They're moving an entire shoot so that I can be committed.
Good for you.
I just need a couple of hours off so that Eric and I can go look at a space.
No, no, no! I cannot reschedule any of these people again.
Oh, no? Look! You double-booked three people.
Boom, boom, boom.
Problem solved.
No.
They all have drivers' exams on Friday.
Josh.
She's right.
Thank you.
Whatever.
Now let's go over this again.
(Groaning) And up above us all Leaning into sky Our golden business boy Will watch the north end die And sing "I love this town" Then let his arching wrecking ball proclaim: "I Hate Winnipeg" Okay, well, how about this? Winnipeg is surrounded by a moat, known as The Perimeter.
Moat, huh? You don't like "Moat"? Why doesn't anyone ask my opinion? Because we thought you were dead.
Do you have anything to add? Yeah.
Your brother whacks off a lot.
Eww.
Tell me about it.
He misses Shandra, loudly, and far too often.
Okay.
How's your project coming along, Danny? No idea.
But I'm sure it's fantastic.
Who's your partner? Karen Rutherford.
Karen Rutherford? Yeah, smartest girl in the school.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Sure.
Just not our school.
Karen Rutherford transferred out three weeks ago.
What? Hey, don't panic.
What was your project about? No idea.
I was just going to swoop in last minute and put in a couple jokes.
I'm fucked, right? I need to track down Karen Rutherford.
Bye.
Danny Lubbe.
Our little miracle.
All right, let me have a crack a this.
Be my guest.
So, we'll pick up you and the map up at quarter after 8:00? I will see you then.
Excellent work tonight.
Thank you.
Good job! Great job! Good job! Excellent! Fantastic Wow.
Oh my god.
Did you start that? No.
Didn't you? I did not expect that.
Me neither.
It's hot in here.
Oh, please.
No, really.
It is.
I'm going to go, okay? Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
(Stomach rumbling) Oh, crap.
(Groaning) Okay.
(Sighing) (Groaning) Mom? I think I'm sick.
Sheldon? I'm going for a little while.
I'll be back at 10:30.
(Groaning) I got to go.
I'm late.
No, no.
Lie down.
You're feverish.
Lie down.
No, no.
I've got a project due.
Miriam picked it up already.
Where's Miriam? She's at school.
She picked it up over an hour ago.
Come on.
Drink.
(Answering machine beeping) Joshua, it's Shandra.
I need to arrange with you a time that I could come over-- (Beeping) It's Shandra again, just making sure you understand how important it is that you-- (Beeping) Josh, please call me as soon as you can so we can arrange a-- (Beeping) Clara's didn't show up.
What? She hasn't called? I guess she's too busy flaking.
(Coughing) I'm sorry I'm late.
I felt like shit this morning but I feel much better now.
Oh, you're burning up.
No, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I just need to to do this.
(Groaning) We're doomed.
Okay, look, I'll be right back.
Look, you figure out how to make that work with just the two of us.
Mom! Come on! Okay, sweetie.
No! No! No! (Clara groaning in distance) (Phone ringing) Hello? Do you know how many Karen Rutherfords there are in Winnipeg? And how few of them answer their phone at 2:00 a.
m.
? What? I'm screwed.
You need to help me with my project.
Danny, I can't.
Why not? I bought paper.
I'm sick.
Yeah, and I've got a 3,000-word essay due.
And if you don't help me, every one of those words is going to be "Fuck!" Hey, have you seen Miriam today? Yes, I see her every day.
Are you going to help me or not? How? I can't get out of bed.
Fine.
I'll come over.
No.
Don't.
Danny? No, man.
Congratulations.
Seriously, you totally deserved it.
Yeah, I'm so not pissed off right now even.
Yeah, okay, okay.
Bye.
What's wrong? They gave Eric my commercial! Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
The worst! And now I have to go check out the acting academy space, while he gets to shoot my commercial.
You can't.
There's no time! I know, but if I don't show up, they'll give it away.
And it's perfect.
(Sighing) There's got to be a way.
Josh, I have Mr.
Karshenhower now, and then we've got three people over the next two hours.
There's just no way.
Yeah.
Yeah, I got to go, go, go.
(Deep breathing) Tell her what to do at the corner.
Isn't that your job? Not today.
Today's lesson is for you to show me how much you know by telling her.
Well, maybe you should slow down for the stop sign.
No, she should stop at the stop sign.
Come on.
She is doing a great job but you are sucking.
(Tires screeching) Okay, don't move and honk your horn.
(Horn honking) Another person? What's going on? Team lesson! What? It's what all the fancy driving schools are doing.
Okay, what would you do if you were driving? I'd drive? Don't tell me.
Tell her.
Ma! They went for it! Team driving lessons! Mom? Josh, where are all the birds coming from? Forget them.
Mom, team driving lessons! We can bang them out three at a time! That's great.
Just give me a minute.
Mom! No! Mom! Mom! Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
It's going to be okay.
How? How is it going to be okay? I don't know how, but I'll figure it out.
You have to see that space or you'll lose your acting school! Josh, you'll lose it! Mom, please! Shut up! Just rest! I was making soup for Sheldon.
Mom! It's dark.
Sheldon missing some soup will be good for him.
He needs his soup.
He's dehydrated.
Fine.
SHELDON! Mom! What? I smell something burning.
That just means you're having a stroke.
(Smoke alarm beeping) The house is on fire! Yeah, I'm on it! Oh no! Oh no! (Smoke alarm beeping) (Phone ringing) (Smoke alarm beeping) Hello? Yeah, yeah, no.
You know what? I actually see you standing outside.
Yeah.
No, that's not you? Okay, well, I'm almost there.
Okay, bye.
Ah! I'm here to help.
I'll just No.
No, no, no, no, no, no! No, no! You tried so hard.
I'm not giving up.
My tummy hurts.
This will never work.
Mom, would you please shut up.
It's so cold in here.
Did Sheldon get his soup? Yeah, I put on more soup.
(Smoke alarm beeping) Oh, shit! Smoke alarm! Shut up! (Phone ringing) (Smoke alarm beeping) I'm on my way! Are you talking to me? What are you doing here? I'm boned on my class project so Sheldon's going to un-bone me.
Wait! Can you stay? Of course.
I need you to man the fort.
Can you watch the sickies? You want me to be your wing man.
Sure.
Whatever.
What are my orders, sir? Watch the sickies.
Consider the sickies watched.
Okay, I'll be back.
(Screaming) Mom! Mom! Coming! (Screaming) What? We saw a rat! It was bigger than a dog.
And it was singing.
Mom.
Aunt Clara doesn't even know where she is right now.
I saw it.
Fine.
You saw a rat.
Mom saw birds.
Danny's going to take care of it.
I got to go.
You saw a rat, huh? Yeah.
You guys have a gun? No, Danny, we don't have a gun.
Okay.
(Snoring) Hey.
(Groaning) What're you doing here? Making soup.
Killing rats.
Miriam says hi.
Hey, is that all she said? She hopes you're okay.
Really? She said that? Why would I make up something so fucking boring? We kissed last night.
This mean you two are on again? Maybe.
Fuckadoodle.
You don't think that's a good thing? No.
I can still smell the burning flesh from your first train wreck.
Can't you two just leave it alone? I know.
I know.
So, what am I going to do about my project? I can't help you.
I'm too sick to present my own.
Bingo! That's it.
Here.
Drink.
Thanks.
Not all of it.
Leave me some.
What are you doing? You'll get sick.
Oh, no.
Then I won't be able to do my presentation.
Oh, crap! All right.
I get it.
Shut up and cough on me.
(Coughing) (Door closing) Believe it or not, I'm actually ahead on the lessons.
Yeah, I had to fit six in the car on that last one, but it's all good.
How's it going here? I'm not sure.
Feel my head.
Am I warm? No.
Shit.
Well, then I'll make a soup run.
Do you want some? No, and don't let me sit down! I have to keep moving.
Aye-aye, Captain.
Okay.
I've got to go look at a space right now.
(Screaming) Mom, there's no rat.
I saw it, not just Clara.
I saw it.
Well, it's not there now, so I told you.
I tell you and I tell you and I tell you, and nobody listens.
I'll kill the rat.
Or tame it.
This bed is so hot.
I'm going to go.
Danny is on rat patrol.
(Groaning) Hot.
SHELDON: Danny! Okay, what did she say next? Nothing.
I told you, we just went to class.
Did Miriam seem weird? When? When you asked, "Where's Sheldon?", and she said "At home sick," did she seem weird? Weird like you are right now? Nope.
Okay, hold it, back it up for me one more time.
So, you said "Hi.
" Then Miriam said, "Hi.
" Oh my god.
This is messing me up.
I'm just going to go back to being the guy who gets the soup.
Wait! Danny! What happened? Hey, I brought you some soup.
Too hot.
Too hot.
(Groaning) (Door slamming) (Whimpering) (Grunting) How'd it go with the real estate guy? I flaked, is how it went! I couldn't find the place so I just kept driving, and thinking "Oh, I think it's down this street.
" "Oh, I think it's down that street.
" I just fucking flaked! (Panting) (Groaning) (Doorbell ringing) (Grunting) I wish I was sick.
I hear that.
What are you doing here? You're not answering my calls.
Well, I'm having a really busy day.
So, what do you want? Some of my stuff is here.
I'd like to get it.
Knock yourself out.
I got to go.
(WHISPERING) Sheldon? (Snoring) Sheldon? (Snoring) Sheldon? Sheldon! Hi.
Oh, hey, Shandra.
Sorry to bother you.
I'm just looking for a little pink plastic case I used to keep on Josh's nightstand.
What was in it? Uhh, just stuff.
So, you didn't see it? No.
Sorry.
Okay.
Sorry to bother you.
I hope you feel better.
Hey, Shandra.
Ah! Is this a rat turd? Oh, that's disgusting! Hey, is this a rat turd? Probably.
Why are you showing me a rat turd? Because there's a fucking rat in the house.
What did Shandra want? She was looking for her diaphragm.
What for? I think it's obvious.
Oh.
Your brother's is having a bad day.
I can't believe Josh and-- (Muffled groaning) (Horn honking) This is such bullshit.
Relax.
Okay, it's your turn is in eight minutes.
Not what I'm talking about.
Busy roads make me really nervous.
Okay, guys, she's nervous.
What should she do? It's not our job to tell her.
Yes! Yes, it is.
No, it isn't! You're nervous? Yes! I don't know what I'm doing.
Okay, relax.
Check all your mirrors.
See? You can see it all.
Okay, now the secret is you can't just think about your car.
You have to think about all the cars, like you're driving them all.
All of them? Yeah, you'll live longer that way.
Like I'm a fish.
And they're all fish too.
If you prefer.
Watch the Volvo! (Keys falling) (Sighing) (WHISPERING) Josh.
What're you doing? The rat.
I've got it trapped.
Are you serious? As a heart attack.
Get away from the cupboard.
Are we doing this? Hell, yeah.
Are you ready? See you on the other side.
(Screaming) (Clattering) Ooh! Who let the butterflies in? (Groaning) What happened? Oh, I had a fight with a rat.
Did you kill it? We decided to call it a draw.
Well, I think I got everything.
Hey, I wanted to say thanks, I guess, for the good times.
Wow.
Okay.
I should go, I guess.
You know what? Fuck you.
You cheated on me.
Can we not do this right now? Oh, we are doing this now.
It's been a really long day, Shandra.
I'm not going to fight with you.
So, maybe you should just go home.
Fine.
Then just give me my diaphragm.
What do you want your diaphragm for? Well, Josh, so I can fuck other guys.
Nope.
Not with our diaphragm, you're not.
What do you mean, "Our diaphragm"? It's unwritten law, one cock per diaphragm.
I'm not going to let you break it.
Give me the diaphragm.
Fine.
Here you go.
Play safe.
I hate you.
Get out of here.
Oh, I am gone.
Traditionally, when people say they're gone, they actually leave.
Fuck you.
You wish.
In your dreams.
Do me a favour and slam the door on your way out too.
(Door slamming) Thank you.
Fever's gone, bro.
You live to eat another day.
I was dreaming of soup.
I'm starving.
(Door closing) MIRIAM: Hello? Miriam.
Go.
Get your fat ass in gear.
Roll down there.
(Snoring) Oh, shit.
Hello? Hi.
How are you? I'm good.
How'd it go today? Really well.
I'm sure we both got "A's".
Guess what? Karen Rutherford showed up.
You're kidding me.
No.
How much of a keener do you have to be to finish a project you don't even have to? And Danny gets the credit.
Awesome.
I'll tell him when his fever breaks.
All right, good work and all.
Good job.
Good job.
Good work.
Really good job.
Great.
Umm We should talk.
Last night, that kiss.
(Clearing throat) It was weird.
I know.
More like Stupid.
(Nervous chuckling) Okay, well, umm, see you.
Not if I see you first.
(Laughing) You and I were the same, dear Both alike in our pain here As to who takes the blame We fight Lightning strikes the same place here Tired of living the same shit Though the cover looks great It's not Find me Find me Save me Oh, oh