Moonshine (2021) s03e07 Episode Script
Get My Baby Back
1
RHIAN: Previously, on Moonshine
We're all dead.
[GASPS]
♪
WES: What the hell is going on?
This isn't a crime scene;
It's my build site!
KEN: That wasn't a fake pirate skull.
That was Jimmy!
LIDIA: We can get through this.
We're family.
We're supposed to have
each other's backs.
You're selfish, and crazy,
and I hate you!
NORA: You made my
cancer scare about you!
Lidia (V.O.): "Dear El and Finn,
I'm sorry for not being
"a proper role model
you both could look up to.
"I don't want to be
a bad influence anymore,
"so I'm going away for a bit."
[CRYING]
NORA: Well, here I am, folks,
bringing you yesterday's hits
from the armpit of Atlantic Canada.
Now, do I miss my swank LA pad,
complete with a sweet view
of my shirtless actor neighbour?
I sure do!
But them's the breaks, folks, okay?
I got shit-canned from my job.
Now, was I gonna let
some spray-tanned poser
in a fancy sports car stop me
from exploiting my sister's pain?
Hellz to the no!
Sooo from the chain-smoking wino
who brought you
milk crate confessionals,
produced by Soundmaus
suck my twat
welcome to breaking blonde,
produced by me.
Sit back, pack that bowl,
and let me spin you a yarn
about how my big sister's
spiritual and emotional
armageddon helped me,
Nora Finley-Cullen,
finally figure out how to deal
with my own imminent demise
♪
[CLASSIC SURF ROCK MUSIC]
[LIDIA SCREAMING]
♪
[MAN YELLING]
[SCREAMING]
NORA: Now, how did our favourite
New York architect wind up here?
Well, allow me to elucidate.
But first
A message from our sponsor,
Rocky's Roadhouse
So much more than just
a terrifying place to pee.
["BAD SIDE OF THE MOON"
BY APRIL WINE PLAYING]
This is my life, my life ♪
This is my life, this is my life ♪
This is my life, my life ♪
Our story begins
not in a pile of ass-crap,
like you'd expect,
but in a pile of hay.
LIDIA: Eleanor hates me.
Not that I blame her;
I'm a terrible mother.
Rhian and Nora want me dead.
Not that I blame them;
I'm a terrible sister.
And despite my vow to stay
out of the family business,
I've somehow single-handedly
ensured the destruction
of our ancestral home.
[LAUGHS] Oh, God.
I thought it wouldn't sound
as bad if I said it out loud.
You know, when people
blow their lives up,
it usually means
they're missing something.
Or someone.
♪
♪
[GOAT BLEATS]
LIDIA: Oh!
[LAUGHS]
I could get used to being farm girl.
Well, I know you'd look
damn hot in a pair of overalls.
[LIDIA GIGGLES]
But we can't stay here for long
because the cops are
gonna be lookin' for you.
If they can find me.
Tin foil!
Very effective signal-blocker.
Turns out there is an online
forum thread for everything.
But when the cops
can't track your signal,
they're gonna put
an APB out on your car.
The cops find you,
the Marauders find me.
Dirty cops are a biker gang's
bread and butter.
The "motorcycle enthusiast"
you turned in?
Now I've got a bounty on my head.
Hence the secret
truffle honey hideaway.
- Shit.
- It's okay.
I've got an exit plan.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Cabo?
I love Cabo!
A few margaritas 'til
the heat dies down?
Panama.
No extradition.
Panama?
Huh.
Cute hats.
[BOTH LAUGH]
NORA: Ooh, where are we going?
Please don't say Cabo. I hate Cabo.
We're not going anywhere.
Ah, okay.
This is statement packing.
Yes, actually, it is.
Uh-huh, and the statement is,
"Gee, Nora, I wish you'd put
my feelings before your own
"because I'm clearly a selfish dick"?
Okay, fine!
Maybe I should have told you
about the health stuff,
but that would have freaked you out,
which would have freaked me out
even more than I already am!
Well, it did freak me out!
The whole thing has me freaked out.
I'm supposed to be the person
that you depend on,
that you lean on!
Yeah, well, unfortunately,
my sister got there first, okay?
And she had a tranq gun!
Ugh, this whole family is poison.
I don't disagree.
Because of Lidia, IA pulled my badge.
I'm as good as fired.
[SIGHS]
Okay. I mean
If it makes you feel any better,
Lidia got me fired too.
Can you believe she refused to confirm
that she's an irredeemable hot mess?
On the upside,
things can go back to normal now.
Small town, poorly paid DJ
with a hot cop fetish?
No, Nora.
Maybe you're not hearing me.
I'm not a cop anymore.
I need time.
To think.
Are you seriously leaving
a maybe-dying woman
with blue balls?!
Terry!
[SIGHS]
♪
[HORSE SNORTS]
♪
LIDIA: Oof.
[SIGHS]
You gonna leave
any room for the driver?
Grief makes a woman cherish
her sweat pant collection.
Don't worry
I'm the Tetris master of packing.
We're gonna have to cut that off.
Uh
I feel my new identity
needs both her feet?
Leg up, hot stuff.
♪
♪
NORA: I mean, when you
actually do the shit pile math,
all roads lead back to Lidia.
Look at this pig-sty.
Even the couch has an STD.
NORA: She effs him over,
and now I'm left paying the price?!
Just when I thought she couldn't
screw up any more
What?
You've got to be kidding me.
She's gone?
And she's left us to clean up
this family nightmare.
Oh, no, no. No, no, no.
This is not happening.
I have a plan to drag her back, okay?
Think lady bounty hunters.
One is sexy and lactating.
The other is you.
Except dressed
in full-coverage riot gear
in case things go south.
Okay, I can get behind this.
She hit the road.
We'll hit it harder.
Because what's worse
than doing hard time?
Yeah, getting chased down
and curb-stomped
by your sisters!
- Booyakasha!
- Yes, huh!
Ow!
CAR RADIO: The french baguette
has been added
to the UN's heritage list,
baguette being described as
"a cherished tradition
to be preserved by humanity."
The french government is planning
a national baguette day.
And that is the world this hour.
I'm Joe Cummings.
REPORTER: There are some
at the UN climate talks
looking for a way
Kind of imagined
we'd be hitting the road
in something a little faster.
Hm.
Like that muscle car
in Thelma and Louise.
Oh! Or the convertible
in La Dolce Vita!
Too conspicuous.
Right.
I gotta say,
the best thing about
not being a biker anymore
is I can finally get excited
about eco-friendly cars.
Okay.
Our, uh, spontaneous
escape will also be
a journey of discovery.
We'll finally have the time to
get to know each other's true selves.
Our likes and dislikes.
Your real name.
If you like kids.
Oh, crap.
[SIGHS] Okay.
What what are you doing?
Oh, I'm just reminding Finn
if he wants to get out of
bunking with God's gift to woodwinds,
he has to get in that request
before the deadline.
- Give me that, please.
- Hey!
No texting and driving.
- [TIRES SQUEAL]
- Whoa!
♪
RHIAN: Where the hell did she go?
She's terrible at secrets.
There's gotta be a clue.
Wish she'd picked up toilet paper.
But I did find this.
Whoa!
[SIGHS] Gale?
That little man-slut!
Exactly how she got that ankle
monitor in the first place.
[POLICE RADIO BUZZES OUTSIDE]
OSCAR: I'm stoked you called me in,
being an intern and all.
DELLA: Well, with Terry out,
it was pretty slim pickings.
OSCAR: I'll take it. Ma'am.
RHIAN: Go, go, go, go, go, go!
This is the last place
her ankle monitor gave a signal.
[DOOR HINGES SQUEAK]
Damn you, unethical life hacks.
Kinky, and disturbingly unsanitary.
I know where Lidia is.
She's with Gale Favreau.
DELLA: Favreau?
That's a lead we can follow.
♪
♪
We have to get to Lidia
before the cops do.
She doesn't deserve
the mercy of a prison cell.
♪
- Come, come, come.
- I'm taking this.
♪
GALE: You understand what
we're doing here, right?
Looking for a spot to pee?
Small-town cops are nothing
compared to the Marauders.
They got eyes and ears everywhere.
If we want to get out of this
mess alive, there are rules.
Fugitive no-no's, got it.
- No Internet searches.
- Okay.
- No credit cards.
- Okay, a little harder.
And, for now,
no contact with the people
in our previous lives.
We can't do anything that
will allow them to track us.
So I can't talk to my kids?
Not yet.
If you make contact with them,
you're gonna put them in danger too.
It's not too late.
If you wanna turn back,
I'll understand.
But either way, we gotta move,
and we gotta move now.
♪
[INTENSE MUSIC]
Okay.
I'm good.
♪
♪
- [GUNSHOT]
- [LIDIA SHRIEKS]
God! Oof!
♪
♪
[EXHALES]
NORA: Are they making honey or meth?
Who lives out here?
[PHONE RINGING]
Is it her?
Oh, no.
It's, uh, just
the stupid health clinic.
You're blowing off your doctor?
Do you know what province you live in?
My GP is the only guy besides Oscar
I'd gladly give a handy to, if asked!
It's just some stupid test results.
Terry conned me
into seeing a fertility doc,
and then Lidia took her hostage.
You're always doing
fun stuff with Lidia.
How did you put up with
Terry and his pushing?
I dunno.
Did you know that he guilted me
into going full Brazilian
our entire marriage?
I'm talking bald, bald.
[LAUGHS] What?
Now I call Oscar
the bush-whacker 'cause
Yeah, I got it.
Ugh got it.
- There! There!
- Oh, yes it is!
- Right?
- Yup!
♪
I feel like we're driving into
a movie of the week from hell.
- [CAR DOORS SLAM]
- [GOAT BLEATS]
Geez!
Okay
[HISSES]
Oh
♪
♪
♪
[GASPS]
RHIAN: So this is their
sticky little love nest!
Uh-huh.
Well, we know she's with Gale.
But her tighty-whities sure aren't.
[CHUCKLES]
Don't move!
This could be a bomb.
That bitch booby-trapped us.
Uh-huh
Or a nice juicy ball of hash.
I would be very stoked if
the drug fairy paid us a visit
right about now.
[GASPS] Cle-ver!
- Means she's in the wind.
- Mm-hm.
How the hell are
we gonna find her now?
Are you kidding me?
One pee stop every 15 minutes
times the number of memories
she has to make
Which means they'll be
taking the old highway.
Worst fugitive ever.
I have an idea.
And it involves a farm animal.
[WAVES ROLLING]
["Brother love's travelling
salvation show"
[BY NEIL DIAMOND PLAYING]
Hot August night ♪
and the leaves hanging down ♪
and the grass on the ground
smelling sweet ♪
♪
Sits a ragged tent ♪
where there ain't no trees ♪
Ugh!
And that gospel group ♪
telling you and me ♪
it's love, brother love ♪
say, brother love's
travelling salvation show ♪
pack up the babies ♪
and grab the old ladies ♪
and everyone goes ♪
'cause everyone knows ♪
brother love's show ♪
♪
Yes!
Um what are you doing?
Mm
Per your suggestion, I'm cutting
off all ties to my previous life
by releasing
all my worldly possessions
into the ether!
- Not exactly what I said.
- Hm.
Fastest rising tides in the world.
Soon my old life will be gone.
This is symbolic.
A literal metaphor.
I feel free! [LAUGHS]
Oh!
Goodbye, Nora's new bra that I stole!
Go with the wind!
Ah.
[LIDIA SIGHS]
I
Am with you.
All in.
♪
Mmm.
♪
♪
♪
I love you, Lidia.
I love you too!
But you know what I really love?
Littering?
You, in the flesh,
after all those months
of my plug n' charge.
Before I got honey in the gears, mmm!
Mmm Mmm!
Yes, meet me in the back seat!
Augh, yes!
♪
♪
♪
POLICE RADIO: I've got
reports of a fugitive
on Rural Road 6, over.
The GPS monitor's back on.
She's on the move.
Can I turn on the sirens?
Please, come on
- Yeah, light 'em up.
- Yeah!
- [SIRENS TURN ON]
- Ha-ha!
OSCAR: Gotcha, Lidia!
NORA: Which is it?
Roadside diner or the gas station?
There's no way she could
hold it in this long.
Fun-dy fact!
Did you know the Bay of Fundy
has the fastest
rising tides in the world?
There is a vista up ahead,
Nora, not to be missed!
What is this, a seniors' tour?
Pfft, I wish!
I figured these pamphlets
might give us an idea
on where to track Lidia,
but the truth is,
I've never had time to do any
of this touristy stuff before.
Or anything other than
the Moonshine, really.
Let's make this woman hunt fun!
How about this for fun?
The first one to spot
an annoying blonde
on the back of a motorcycle
gets to run her over.
I know we're both pissed at Lidz,
but you don't have
to be crabby with me.
- Is this about the phone call?
- No.
You worried you might be
pregnant with Satan's spawn?
- [SIGHS]
- I get it.
Want me to call them back?
No, Rhian! No, no, no.
No, excuse me. Can I
Come on! Rhian!
I'm worried I might have cancer, okay?
[STIFLES A SOB]
NORA: Wow.
You actually care if I die.
I'm not even sure
I care right now, you know?
[SIGHS] Rhian, chill.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's probably nothing.
I'm not sad that you might die.
[SOBBING]
You've never confided in me.
NORA: Okay. I didn't confide in you.
I was trying to shut you up,
unsuccessfully.
I just feel like you and Lidia
have always been so close.
Sister secrets,
sharing clothes, head lice.
It's like you were always in
this club and I wasn't invited.
Oh!
Fine!
Five minutes
at the stupid scenic overlook.
Might as well take
some hot selfies to post
so Terr can see what he's missing.
♪
So, to recap,
we have two idiot sisters
tracking their bigger idiot sister,
the cops getting their ya-yas out
chasing Betsy the wonder udder
stay tuned
and a perimenopausal woman who's
treating her fugitive status
like a friggin' makeover montage.
[UNDER HER BREATH] God.
I used to fantasize about
creating a new identity.
Maybe I'll go with
something under the radar,
totally ordinary, like "Becca."
Although it might be fun
to have a mysterious name.
Something sexy, like
Céleste. [GIGGLES]
But if I went with céleste,
I'd definitely need
to go brunette, right?
Where's my duffle?
Uh
Oh, well, when I was trying
to fit all my stuff in,
I stuck it in one of mine.
One of yours that you threw into
the "fastest rising
tide in the world"?
What was in there?
Those sexy leather pants?
- Our entire stash.
- [GASPS]
20k!
♪
Uh, total is 60 bucks.
Cool, cool.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[QUIETLY] Get behind the wheel.
Smile, stay calm, no sudden moves.
♪
[CAR DOOR OPENS]
Hmm Aah!
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
What the hell, dude?
♪
RHIAN: I can't believe
I'm finally here!
Terry was always such
a homebody, he hated travelling.
Ugh, tell me about it.
Terry was a disaster in LA.
When I picked him up from the airport,
you would have thought it
was the frickin' moon landing.
Poor wittle Terry. So put out.
Got his curved penis
in a buntline hitch.
Right?
I always had to approach that
thing from a 45-degree angle!
The right side of my abs are cut.
Like, uhh, uhh
Uhh, uhh!
- Oh my God, I know!
- [BOTH LAUGH]
[NORA SIGHS]
♪
You know, we never really
talked about what happened.
Well, my marriage was
way over before you dropped
your slutty jean shorts.
And besides, I've got Oscar
and the twins now,
and all you've got
is old crooked dick.
[SIGHS]
You don't think she's really
done something crazy, do you?
Like what?
I don't know.
Just the last time I saw her
I was really pissed, and I
I said some really mean things.
Like, meaner than
Normal.
[WAVES ROLLING]
RHIAN: Holy shit! [GASPS]
NORA: What?
- Dry shampoo!
- [GASPS]
- It's gotta be hers, right?
- That thieving bitch!
I've been looking for this!
So, this means Lidia's
either living a braless new life
without dry shampoo, or she
Just kept swimming.
♪
OSCAR: Weird, it says
we're right on top of them.
There, up ahead.
The 'ol trojan haybailer, eh?
I got you now, farmer fraud!
Pull over, now!
♪
♪
♪
- Hi, there.
- Hi, there.
We have reason to believe you
may be harbouring a fugitive.
Huh?
♪
[DELLA SIGHS]
Buntline hitch.
Oh my God Rhian!
It's her signature knot!
We've had some pretty kinky nights.
TMI!
OSCAR: She's onto her.
If we find Rhian, then we find Lidia.
POLICE RADIO: APB reports
of a gas station heist.
Likely hybrid.
Could be armed and dangerous.
LIDIA: The house in Brooklyn's
gonna sell, at some point.
And I am a hard worker.
Don't let these
well-moisturized hands fool you.
I-I will pay you back.
- It's fine.
- Mm-hm?
I've got a deposit box on
the other side of the border.
So, until we get across,
no money for food.
[EXHALES SHAKILY] Well
At least we have water, right?
So that's good.
Though I do have low blood sugar.
It's fine.
[TAKING SHALLOW BREATHS]
Oh, God.
She looks younger than Eleanor.
She shouldn't be out here alone.
What if some criminal picks her up?
Seriously?
No, no, do not slow down.
Lidia, keep going!
No, no, no, no, no!
Do not slow don't stop.
LIDIA: I know you're annoyed
with me right now,
and that's totally valid,
but the only thing I hate
more than a man telling me what to do
is the man I'm running away with
telling me what not to do.
HITCHHIKER: Hi, I'm Polly!
She wouldn't really
have drowned herself, right?
That's not Lidia.
Lidia is a well-manicured,
very dramatic cockroach.
Cockroaches survive.
They don't do the dog-paddle
of death in the Bay of Fundy!
Unless
Unless!
Do you think Gale drowned her,
like a murder-husband
from one of those crime docs?
The real crime scene
is that toilet bowl.
I would not go in there.
And neither would Lidia.
I don't think this is
the right gas station.
NORA: No.
OSCAR: Responding
to your call, so
RHIAN: Oh, shit.
Oh
GAS GUY: Um, her hair was blond.
RHIAN: [GASPS]
Lidia was here.
Did she hold up a gas station?
She's alive.
And she's gone full
natural born killers.
Come on.
♪
Said we're here for a good time ♪
["WE'RE HERE FOR A GOOD TIME"
BY TROOPER PLAYING]
[SINGING ALONG] Not a long time! ♪
- Not a long time! ♪
- Yeah!
So have a good time! ♪
The sun can't shine every day! ♪
[CHEERING]
POLLY: Good tune!
Wow, besides major buzzkill over here,
this is the best
hitchhike I've ever had.
You know what?
You remind me a lot of my mom.
If my mom was cool yet for
some reason drove a lame car.
[BOTH LAUGH]
LIDIA: That's like the nicest thing
anyone under the age of 40
has said to me all summer.
And it's his car.
Every year
has its share of tears ♪
How far are you going?
What is distance, anyways?
The space between two objects.
I am a steward of all the land.
Oh, great, then we'll, uh,
we'll let you off right here, then.
It's why I became a woof-er,
work opportunities on organic farms,
because the cultivators of the earth
are the most valuable citizens.
Seriously, are these your
Nana's wheels or something?
- [LIDIA STIFLES A LAUGH]
- You know what?
You've just lost
your music privileges.
[BIRDS CHIRPING OUTSIDE]
[CAR SLOWS AND ENGINE STOPS]
Sorry. Um, can we chat for a second?
[DOORS SLAM]
- Uh, what is happening here?
- I don't know!
What is happening here?
I'm trying to be welcoming
to our guest
to make up for your bad attitude?
No, I'm talking about
the twisted family road trip
with a total stranger,
singing Canadian oldies?
Okay, Trooper is essential cancon,
and I'm sorry if "no having fun"
is another rule of the road
you forgot to clue me in on.
I mean, I know, our situation stinks,
but would it kill you
to lighten up a little?
As a matter of fact,
it just might kill me, yeah!
And your emotional jazz hands
are gonna get us both busted!
Emotional jazz hands?!
You picked up that kid
as a distraction
from what's really going on.
Okay, are you still pissed at me
about losing the money?
Because I said I'd make it up
to you, and I swear I will.
I opened up to you, Lidia!
Back at the outlook, I opened up.
And I don't do that.
And I don't do that, ever.
You said "I love you,"
and we had very hot backseat sex.
- What? I said it back!
- What am I to you?
Did your feelings change
when you saw me
without the motorcycle
and all the leather?
Am I just your slam piece?
Slam piece?
[SCOFFS] No!
What?
No, Gale!
You're not running away with me.
You're running away from your family.
♪
Gale, no.
That's that's not true.
I'm with you.
Literally, right now.
And I'm not using that kid
to avoid being alone with you,
I'm just
I dunno, maybe
I'm trying to prove to myself
that I'm not a total monster
by helping this defenceless
young woman, you know?
Just looking for the good
to counteract all the bad.
You left the keys in the ignition.
I believe I did, yeah. [INHALES]
NORA: Rhian,
I am not stopping again, okay?
"Award-winning BBQ."
Secret's in the rub, apparently.
Randy T from Newport says,
"these ribs are to die for!"
Our sister's gonna be dead
if we don't find her soon.
I am a nursing mother.
I need animal flesh or I will be dead.
Enough with the mortality crap, okay?
Are you still freaking out
about maybe having cancer?
Yes! Like a normal human person,
I'm a tad bummed at the idea
of kicking the bucket.
It's the "maybe" part
that's keeping me
from driving this truck
off a cliff, okay?
Well, it could be good news.
You could just be barren!
Please stop comforting me.
[RADIO PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]
You know that whatever happens,
I'll be there for you, right?
Wow.
You must really want
those freakin' ribs.
♪
[CLASSIC SURF ROCK PLAYING]
♪
♪
I've seen this porno.
Mmm, I used to have
a lumberjack fetish.
Seriously, beefcake much?
Pamphlet should have mentioned
that Rocky's Roadhouse
serves two kinds of jumbo meat!
Booyah!
Okay, we're just gonna order
the food and then hit the road.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[URINE TINKLING]
You know, I'm usually the more
emotionally available one
in my relationships.
Back in college, I brought
a list of baby names
to a speed-dating event.
I wish that I could say
you're making this less awkward!
[BIRD CALLING IN DISTANCE]
[SIGHS] Okay.
So
Maybe I have been using
sex and a hitchhiker
to distract from
how I'm really feeling.
[SIGHS] I do love you, Gale.
Leather or no leather.
I mean, it's hard to feel
anything for anyone right now
other than panic.
Over our lack of food
Suitable lounge wear
My kids
Do you remember when we first met?
[SIGHS]
In Heidi braids with a suitcase
full of Chinese pharmaceuticals?
Classic.
I should have just let you walk away.
The business proposition,
all of it, it was just
It was just an excuse to see you.
Well, maybe I didn't
want to walk away.
Yeah, but the responsible
thing to do would have been
to make you walk away.
Lidia, it's been a year.
Look at look at where you are!
Everything gets worse for you
when we're together.
This isn't your life.
You're here because of me.
And for that, I am truly sorry.
First off
No one can make me do anything.
That's the real problem here.
[LAUGHS]
So don't apologize to me,
or tell me I'm some choice you regret.
Because I regret a lot of things
I don't regret meeting you.
Okay.
Well
We'll find a way for you
to contact Finn and Eleanor.
Okay.
I know a guy who can set up
a secure communication
once we get across the border,
and after that,
once the dust settles, I'll, uh
I'll make a deal with the feds.
You'll get immunity.
You'll get immunity, I promise.
I love you.
[INHALES]
But do you love my hybrid vehicle?
[BOTH LAUGH]
♪
♪
[BIRD CALLING IN DISTANCE]
♪
All hail the convertible battery.
♪
[MEN GASP]
[MEN GASP]
[MEN GASP]
RHIAN: Yah!
[EVERYONE CHEERING]
Yes!
MEN: [CHANTING] Rhian, Rhian
Bow down to your meat queen!
MEN: Rhian, Rhian, Rhian,
Rhian, Rhian
[CHANTING CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND]
You know, it's like
Is that all life is?
Just flippin' off the man
every chance you get
for trying to crawl into
your body for all it's worth?
You know, sometimes I think,
"stop complicating your life!"
You know? "Just walk away."
But that curve
Always keeps me coming back, you know?
All 45 degrees.
[COUNTRY ROCK PLAYING IN BAR]
So, Kurt says he has never seen
such power and precision
in a first-timer before.
Thank you to the two
20-pound human kettlebells
I've been hauling around
for three months!
I'm already very aware
that you would make
an excellent axe-murderer.
But we have to go.
And you definitely need to drive.
- Mm-hm.
- Rhian
What if this whole
Lidia thing is all my fault?
You know, because I called her
a back-stabbing bitch?
She left because I kicked
her out of her trailer
and tried to kill her with a nail gun.
What if we never
see her again, you know?
What do we tell Eleanor? Finn?
♪
That slutty little bitch!
GALE: Did you call them
from the gas station?
No!
I swear, I have no clue
how they tracked us down.
But isn't it so sweet they came
all this way just to find me?
Or they want me dead.
♪
That guy.
He's from a competing club,
which means we're in enemy territory.
I hate to ask you to
cut the reunion short
Already on it.
I'll handle my sisters.
You find Polly and get our car back.
LIDIA: Hey [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
What are you doing here?
Holding an axe?
I'm a lumberjack savant.
And you, Lidia,
are predictable as shit.
I told you, Nora.
No human being, sane or otherwise,
passes up a plate of primo ribs.
The prison bars of the meat world.
LIDIA: Well, we didn't
initially come here for BBQ.
That being said, can someone
please spot me 20 bucks
for a stack? I'm so hungry!
Oh, and have you seen a teenage girl?
She stole our car!
We're not gonna help you run!
We bounty huntresses, bitch!
NORA: The only reason I tagged along
on this tourist route from hell
is to drag your sorry ass home, okay?
MAN: Are you right- or left-handed?
POLLY: I know how
to throw an axe, dude.
- [AXE HITS TARGET]
- MAN: That was a great shot.
POLLY: Now you're just
axe-splaining me.
Come around here often?
You're not even old enough
to drink, you little fraud.
I was old enough to do
what we did last night.
NORA: You don't get to bail
and then leave us with the fall-out!
I'm actually trying to
be self less for once.
If I come with you right now,
I put the whole family in danger.
Once again, you are confusing
martyrdom with assholedom.
You can't protect us from you.
That ship has sailed, okay?
You're just running away to Cabo
with some guy
that you barely even know.
I'm not running off to Cabo, Nora!
I'm going to Panama.
Totally different headwear.
POLLY: You said you loved me!
GALE: Okay, buddy, chill.
She's kidding.
POLLY: Kidding?!
He promised he was
gonna take me to prom!
He promised!
He's a liar.
Everyone, let's take a breath.
RHIAN: Nora,
I think we should tell her.
Yeah.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Lidia
This isn't the usual mess,
and it isn't entirely yours.
I may have landed mom
on the most wanted list
for Jimmy's murder.
What?!
Dad saved his skull
and I basically handed it to the cops.
Why the hell would you do that?!
I was trying to slow the resort build!
The point is, you think you're
the antichrist of the Moonshine,
but you're no worse than us!
We're all satanic spawn.
But we're the only
spawn that we've got,
and if we're gonna keep spawning,
which is what spawns do, then
We need you.
Shit.
You know what,
I'm just going to take the keys.
- And I'll be on my way.
- BIKER: Hey!
That you, Favreau?
LIDIA: Gale!
Oh, shit.
I don't think so, pervert!
You got a problem?
GALE: Lidia, we gotta go!
Nora (V.O.): Actually
There was a problem.
And it would wind up
in an enormous brawl
that would obliterate
Rocky's Roadhouse.
Now, I could regale you
in the bloodshed,
but I could care less
about some sweaty bar fight.
So instead, I'll stick to the players,
because this is my podcast, okay?
And character and stakes
are everything, baby.
Nora (V.O.): First, we have
our hangry lumberjack.
Only dry rub in town
that don't chafe on the way out.
NORA: Then we have our cunning urchin
who pulls shit like this all the time.
Because I'm cute and smart,
and actually 26.
NORA: And then we have
our outlaw biker
with his four ex-wives,
who really needs that bounty
on Gail Favreau's head.
He's dead.
And then we have our doomed lovers.
I'm gonna throw the keys to Lidia,
and then she needs to run.
Without even saying goodbye?
Is that skank seriously choosing
the best sex of her life
over her own sisters?!
I get it!
Down below!
[KEYS CLINK]
- [THWACK]
- [MAN GROANS]
- [THWACK]
- [GROANS]
WOMAN: What an asshole!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC IN SURF ROCK STYLE]
[YELLING]
POLLY: You're gonna drop the keys!
Aah, stop her!
[GALE GROANS]
[LIDIA YELLS]
Hi-yah!
["PINK LINCOLN"
BY THE MATADORS PLAYING]
And she get to whiskey drinkin' ♪
[INDISTINCT YELLING]
♪
LIDIA: Gale!
You okay?
- [SIRENS APPROACHING]
- Oh, God.
Arrested, shot, or axed to death.
What's your poison? Is it poison?
None of the above.
Time for plan B,
which means you drive.
- I drive?
- You drive.
[SIRENS APPROACHING]
♪
NORA: [SLURRING SPEECH]
Oh, and you have to drive, okay,
because I cannot chase
a cop car after I've had three,
I've had four
I had nine beers! [LAUGHS]
When this floozy get too boozy ♪
ain't too choosy whom she cozy ♪
- NORA: Okay!
- [ENGINE STARTS]
[SIRENS WAILING]
Oh, God, what's wrong with you?
I'm gonna puke!
Don't yell at me!
I haven't driven anything other
than a lawnmower in three years!
[NORA VOMITING]
Shut your mouth and
pull out your pink Lincoln ♪
yeah! come on ♪
[SIRENS WAILING]
NORA: Yeah. Speed up!
They're getting away!
The cops are right behind us!
I don't wanna get a ticket!
NORA: Aw!
♪
RHIAN: We're losing them!
It's Oscar.
Yeah, well, what's he gonna do,
put his baby mama in jail?
I don't think so.
Oh, you don't know Oscar like I do.
He can be a real beast.
OSCAR: [SPEAKER] Hey, honey bear?
I think it's probably best
you let us take the lead
on this one, 'kay?
Could you pull over,
please and thanks?
Please, okay. Could you
- Guy's a real beast.
- [SIREN WHOOPS]
DELLA: [SPEAKER]
Rhian, get off the road!
In fact, everyone with
the last name Finley-Cullen
cease driving immediately!
♪
- Here we go.
- Okay!
- Hang on tight.
- Okay.
Now, this is where the story
gets a little bit fuzzy.
Was I actually in that car with Lidia?
[EXHALES] No.
But can I imagine what was said?
Ooh
Oh, you gotta wee-wee again,
don't you?
Sure can!
I'm almost at the tipping point.
- Forgive me!
- Ugh!
NORA: Okay, you can't
tell me that didn't happen.
Also this
Before I throw my entire life away
and run off with you forever,
I just need to know one thing.
- What's that?
- Your real name.
♪
It's Bert.
- Like Bert and Ernie?
- As in "bobert."
It's it's a family name.
NORA: Okay, okay, that probably
didn't happen either.
But for sure this did.
[SOUND OF SKIN RUBBING]
Lidia Lidia Lidia!
NORA: Well, that's one way
to get a guy to stop
backseat driving you.
Really, it's the only way.
As for the truth about what
really went down in that car
["LOVE IS TO DIE" BY WARPAINT PLAYING]
♪
NORA: When you're in the middle
of a high-speed chase,
sandwiched between the police
and your insane older sister
and her leather-clad slam piece,
you suddenly get a lot of
clarity on what matters,
who matters,
what your life's been all about.
I guess the "why now" of this story
is I realized maybe
Having a little bit of Lidia in me
isn't such a bad thing
She took a leap of faith
when her life wasn't working.
She took a chance.
Followed her big demented heart.
All those clichés on those
cheap, decorative pillows
at discount stores,
she did all of that.
And maybe
I dunno, the rest of us
need to do that too.
Live life.
Get out of your own damn way.
♪
Call the doctor.
♪
Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪
Oh, oh ♪
♪
[LOUD CRASH]
[EXPLOSION]
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
There's no decorative pillow
for this one, folks.
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
RHIAN: Previously, on Moonshine
We're all dead.
[GASPS]
♪
WES: What the hell is going on?
This isn't a crime scene;
It's my build site!
KEN: That wasn't a fake pirate skull.
That was Jimmy!
LIDIA: We can get through this.
We're family.
We're supposed to have
each other's backs.
You're selfish, and crazy,
and I hate you!
NORA: You made my
cancer scare about you!
Lidia (V.O.): "Dear El and Finn,
I'm sorry for not being
"a proper role model
you both could look up to.
"I don't want to be
a bad influence anymore,
"so I'm going away for a bit."
[CRYING]
NORA: Well, here I am, folks,
bringing you yesterday's hits
from the armpit of Atlantic Canada.
Now, do I miss my swank LA pad,
complete with a sweet view
of my shirtless actor neighbour?
I sure do!
But them's the breaks, folks, okay?
I got shit-canned from my job.
Now, was I gonna let
some spray-tanned poser
in a fancy sports car stop me
from exploiting my sister's pain?
Hellz to the no!
Sooo from the chain-smoking wino
who brought you
milk crate confessionals,
produced by Soundmaus
suck my twat
welcome to breaking blonde,
produced by me.
Sit back, pack that bowl,
and let me spin you a yarn
about how my big sister's
spiritual and emotional
armageddon helped me,
Nora Finley-Cullen,
finally figure out how to deal
with my own imminent demise
♪
[CLASSIC SURF ROCK MUSIC]
[LIDIA SCREAMING]
♪
[MAN YELLING]
[SCREAMING]
NORA: Now, how did our favourite
New York architect wind up here?
Well, allow me to elucidate.
But first
A message from our sponsor,
Rocky's Roadhouse
So much more than just
a terrifying place to pee.
["BAD SIDE OF THE MOON"
BY APRIL WINE PLAYING]
This is my life, my life ♪
This is my life, this is my life ♪
This is my life, my life ♪
Our story begins
not in a pile of ass-crap,
like you'd expect,
but in a pile of hay.
LIDIA: Eleanor hates me.
Not that I blame her;
I'm a terrible mother.
Rhian and Nora want me dead.
Not that I blame them;
I'm a terrible sister.
And despite my vow to stay
out of the family business,
I've somehow single-handedly
ensured the destruction
of our ancestral home.
[LAUGHS] Oh, God.
I thought it wouldn't sound
as bad if I said it out loud.
You know, when people
blow their lives up,
it usually means
they're missing something.
Or someone.
♪
♪
[GOAT BLEATS]
LIDIA: Oh!
[LAUGHS]
I could get used to being farm girl.
Well, I know you'd look
damn hot in a pair of overalls.
[LIDIA GIGGLES]
But we can't stay here for long
because the cops are
gonna be lookin' for you.
If they can find me.
Tin foil!
Very effective signal-blocker.
Turns out there is an online
forum thread for everything.
But when the cops
can't track your signal,
they're gonna put
an APB out on your car.
The cops find you,
the Marauders find me.
Dirty cops are a biker gang's
bread and butter.
The "motorcycle enthusiast"
you turned in?
Now I've got a bounty on my head.
Hence the secret
truffle honey hideaway.
- Shit.
- It's okay.
I've got an exit plan.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Cabo?
I love Cabo!
A few margaritas 'til
the heat dies down?
Panama.
No extradition.
Panama?
Huh.
Cute hats.
[BOTH LAUGH]
NORA: Ooh, where are we going?
Please don't say Cabo. I hate Cabo.
We're not going anywhere.
Ah, okay.
This is statement packing.
Yes, actually, it is.
Uh-huh, and the statement is,
"Gee, Nora, I wish you'd put
my feelings before your own
"because I'm clearly a selfish dick"?
Okay, fine!
Maybe I should have told you
about the health stuff,
but that would have freaked you out,
which would have freaked me out
even more than I already am!
Well, it did freak me out!
The whole thing has me freaked out.
I'm supposed to be the person
that you depend on,
that you lean on!
Yeah, well, unfortunately,
my sister got there first, okay?
And she had a tranq gun!
Ugh, this whole family is poison.
I don't disagree.
Because of Lidia, IA pulled my badge.
I'm as good as fired.
[SIGHS]
Okay. I mean
If it makes you feel any better,
Lidia got me fired too.
Can you believe she refused to confirm
that she's an irredeemable hot mess?
On the upside,
things can go back to normal now.
Small town, poorly paid DJ
with a hot cop fetish?
No, Nora.
Maybe you're not hearing me.
I'm not a cop anymore.
I need time.
To think.
Are you seriously leaving
a maybe-dying woman
with blue balls?!
Terry!
[SIGHS]
♪
[HORSE SNORTS]
♪
LIDIA: Oof.
[SIGHS]
You gonna leave
any room for the driver?
Grief makes a woman cherish
her sweat pant collection.
Don't worry
I'm the Tetris master of packing.
We're gonna have to cut that off.
Uh
I feel my new identity
needs both her feet?
Leg up, hot stuff.
♪
♪
NORA: I mean, when you
actually do the shit pile math,
all roads lead back to Lidia.
Look at this pig-sty.
Even the couch has an STD.
NORA: She effs him over,
and now I'm left paying the price?!
Just when I thought she couldn't
screw up any more
What?
You've got to be kidding me.
She's gone?
And she's left us to clean up
this family nightmare.
Oh, no, no. No, no, no.
This is not happening.
I have a plan to drag her back, okay?
Think lady bounty hunters.
One is sexy and lactating.
The other is you.
Except dressed
in full-coverage riot gear
in case things go south.
Okay, I can get behind this.
She hit the road.
We'll hit it harder.
Because what's worse
than doing hard time?
Yeah, getting chased down
and curb-stomped
by your sisters!
- Booyakasha!
- Yes, huh!
Ow!
CAR RADIO: The french baguette
has been added
to the UN's heritage list,
baguette being described as
"a cherished tradition
to be preserved by humanity."
The french government is planning
a national baguette day.
And that is the world this hour.
I'm Joe Cummings.
REPORTER: There are some
at the UN climate talks
looking for a way
Kind of imagined
we'd be hitting the road
in something a little faster.
Hm.
Like that muscle car
in Thelma and Louise.
Oh! Or the convertible
in La Dolce Vita!
Too conspicuous.
Right.
I gotta say,
the best thing about
not being a biker anymore
is I can finally get excited
about eco-friendly cars.
Okay.
Our, uh, spontaneous
escape will also be
a journey of discovery.
We'll finally have the time to
get to know each other's true selves.
Our likes and dislikes.
Your real name.
If you like kids.
Oh, crap.
[SIGHS] Okay.
What what are you doing?
Oh, I'm just reminding Finn
if he wants to get out of
bunking with God's gift to woodwinds,
he has to get in that request
before the deadline.
- Give me that, please.
- Hey!
No texting and driving.
- [TIRES SQUEAL]
- Whoa!
♪
RHIAN: Where the hell did she go?
She's terrible at secrets.
There's gotta be a clue.
Wish she'd picked up toilet paper.
But I did find this.
Whoa!
[SIGHS] Gale?
That little man-slut!
Exactly how she got that ankle
monitor in the first place.
[POLICE RADIO BUZZES OUTSIDE]
OSCAR: I'm stoked you called me in,
being an intern and all.
DELLA: Well, with Terry out,
it was pretty slim pickings.
OSCAR: I'll take it. Ma'am.
RHIAN: Go, go, go, go, go, go!
This is the last place
her ankle monitor gave a signal.
[DOOR HINGES SQUEAK]
Damn you, unethical life hacks.
Kinky, and disturbingly unsanitary.
I know where Lidia is.
She's with Gale Favreau.
DELLA: Favreau?
That's a lead we can follow.
♪
♪
We have to get to Lidia
before the cops do.
She doesn't deserve
the mercy of a prison cell.
♪
- Come, come, come.
- I'm taking this.
♪
GALE: You understand what
we're doing here, right?
Looking for a spot to pee?
Small-town cops are nothing
compared to the Marauders.
They got eyes and ears everywhere.
If we want to get out of this
mess alive, there are rules.
Fugitive no-no's, got it.
- No Internet searches.
- Okay.
- No credit cards.
- Okay, a little harder.
And, for now,
no contact with the people
in our previous lives.
We can't do anything that
will allow them to track us.
So I can't talk to my kids?
Not yet.
If you make contact with them,
you're gonna put them in danger too.
It's not too late.
If you wanna turn back,
I'll understand.
But either way, we gotta move,
and we gotta move now.
♪
[INTENSE MUSIC]
Okay.
I'm good.
♪
♪
- [GUNSHOT]
- [LIDIA SHRIEKS]
God! Oof!
♪
♪
[EXHALES]
NORA: Are they making honey or meth?
Who lives out here?
[PHONE RINGING]
Is it her?
Oh, no.
It's, uh, just
the stupid health clinic.
You're blowing off your doctor?
Do you know what province you live in?
My GP is the only guy besides Oscar
I'd gladly give a handy to, if asked!
It's just some stupid test results.
Terry conned me
into seeing a fertility doc,
and then Lidia took her hostage.
You're always doing
fun stuff with Lidia.
How did you put up with
Terry and his pushing?
I dunno.
Did you know that he guilted me
into going full Brazilian
our entire marriage?
I'm talking bald, bald.
[LAUGHS] What?
Now I call Oscar
the bush-whacker 'cause
Yeah, I got it.
Ugh got it.
- There! There!
- Oh, yes it is!
- Right?
- Yup!
♪
I feel like we're driving into
a movie of the week from hell.
- [CAR DOORS SLAM]
- [GOAT BLEATS]
Geez!
Okay
[HISSES]
Oh
♪
♪
♪
[GASPS]
RHIAN: So this is their
sticky little love nest!
Uh-huh.
Well, we know she's with Gale.
But her tighty-whities sure aren't.
[CHUCKLES]
Don't move!
This could be a bomb.
That bitch booby-trapped us.
Uh-huh
Or a nice juicy ball of hash.
I would be very stoked if
the drug fairy paid us a visit
right about now.
[GASPS] Cle-ver!
- Means she's in the wind.
- Mm-hm.
How the hell are
we gonna find her now?
Are you kidding me?
One pee stop every 15 minutes
times the number of memories
she has to make
Which means they'll be
taking the old highway.
Worst fugitive ever.
I have an idea.
And it involves a farm animal.
[WAVES ROLLING]
["Brother love's travelling
salvation show"
[BY NEIL DIAMOND PLAYING]
Hot August night ♪
and the leaves hanging down ♪
and the grass on the ground
smelling sweet ♪
♪
Sits a ragged tent ♪
where there ain't no trees ♪
Ugh!
And that gospel group ♪
telling you and me ♪
it's love, brother love ♪
say, brother love's
travelling salvation show ♪
pack up the babies ♪
and grab the old ladies ♪
and everyone goes ♪
'cause everyone knows ♪
brother love's show ♪
♪
Yes!
Um what are you doing?
Mm
Per your suggestion, I'm cutting
off all ties to my previous life
by releasing
all my worldly possessions
into the ether!
- Not exactly what I said.
- Hm.
Fastest rising tides in the world.
Soon my old life will be gone.
This is symbolic.
A literal metaphor.
I feel free! [LAUGHS]
Oh!
Goodbye, Nora's new bra that I stole!
Go with the wind!
Ah.
[LIDIA SIGHS]
I
Am with you.
All in.
♪
Mmm.
♪
♪
♪
I love you, Lidia.
I love you too!
But you know what I really love?
Littering?
You, in the flesh,
after all those months
of my plug n' charge.
Before I got honey in the gears, mmm!
Mmm Mmm!
Yes, meet me in the back seat!
Augh, yes!
♪
♪
♪
POLICE RADIO: I've got
reports of a fugitive
on Rural Road 6, over.
The GPS monitor's back on.
She's on the move.
Can I turn on the sirens?
Please, come on
- Yeah, light 'em up.
- Yeah!
- [SIRENS TURN ON]
- Ha-ha!
OSCAR: Gotcha, Lidia!
NORA: Which is it?
Roadside diner or the gas station?
There's no way she could
hold it in this long.
Fun-dy fact!
Did you know the Bay of Fundy
has the fastest
rising tides in the world?
There is a vista up ahead,
Nora, not to be missed!
What is this, a seniors' tour?
Pfft, I wish!
I figured these pamphlets
might give us an idea
on where to track Lidia,
but the truth is,
I've never had time to do any
of this touristy stuff before.
Or anything other than
the Moonshine, really.
Let's make this woman hunt fun!
How about this for fun?
The first one to spot
an annoying blonde
on the back of a motorcycle
gets to run her over.
I know we're both pissed at Lidz,
but you don't have
to be crabby with me.
- Is this about the phone call?
- No.
You worried you might be
pregnant with Satan's spawn?
- [SIGHS]
- I get it.
Want me to call them back?
No, Rhian! No, no, no.
No, excuse me. Can I
Come on! Rhian!
I'm worried I might have cancer, okay?
[STIFLES A SOB]
NORA: Wow.
You actually care if I die.
I'm not even sure
I care right now, you know?
[SIGHS] Rhian, chill.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's probably nothing.
I'm not sad that you might die.
[SOBBING]
You've never confided in me.
NORA: Okay. I didn't confide in you.
I was trying to shut you up,
unsuccessfully.
I just feel like you and Lidia
have always been so close.
Sister secrets,
sharing clothes, head lice.
It's like you were always in
this club and I wasn't invited.
Oh!
Fine!
Five minutes
at the stupid scenic overlook.
Might as well take
some hot selfies to post
so Terr can see what he's missing.
♪
So, to recap,
we have two idiot sisters
tracking their bigger idiot sister,
the cops getting their ya-yas out
chasing Betsy the wonder udder
stay tuned
and a perimenopausal woman who's
treating her fugitive status
like a friggin' makeover montage.
[UNDER HER BREATH] God.
I used to fantasize about
creating a new identity.
Maybe I'll go with
something under the radar,
totally ordinary, like "Becca."
Although it might be fun
to have a mysterious name.
Something sexy, like
Céleste. [GIGGLES]
But if I went with céleste,
I'd definitely need
to go brunette, right?
Where's my duffle?
Uh
Oh, well, when I was trying
to fit all my stuff in,
I stuck it in one of mine.
One of yours that you threw into
the "fastest rising
tide in the world"?
What was in there?
Those sexy leather pants?
- Our entire stash.
- [GASPS]
20k!
♪
Uh, total is 60 bucks.
Cool, cool.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[QUIETLY] Get behind the wheel.
Smile, stay calm, no sudden moves.
♪
[CAR DOOR OPENS]
Hmm Aah!
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
What the hell, dude?
♪
RHIAN: I can't believe
I'm finally here!
Terry was always such
a homebody, he hated travelling.
Ugh, tell me about it.
Terry was a disaster in LA.
When I picked him up from the airport,
you would have thought it
was the frickin' moon landing.
Poor wittle Terry. So put out.
Got his curved penis
in a buntline hitch.
Right?
I always had to approach that
thing from a 45-degree angle!
The right side of my abs are cut.
Like, uhh, uhh
Uhh, uhh!
- Oh my God, I know!
- [BOTH LAUGH]
[NORA SIGHS]
♪
You know, we never really
talked about what happened.
Well, my marriage was
way over before you dropped
your slutty jean shorts.
And besides, I've got Oscar
and the twins now,
and all you've got
is old crooked dick.
[SIGHS]
You don't think she's really
done something crazy, do you?
Like what?
I don't know.
Just the last time I saw her
I was really pissed, and I
I said some really mean things.
Like, meaner than
Normal.
[WAVES ROLLING]
RHIAN: Holy shit! [GASPS]
NORA: What?
- Dry shampoo!
- [GASPS]
- It's gotta be hers, right?
- That thieving bitch!
I've been looking for this!
So, this means Lidia's
either living a braless new life
without dry shampoo, or she
Just kept swimming.
♪
OSCAR: Weird, it says
we're right on top of them.
There, up ahead.
The 'ol trojan haybailer, eh?
I got you now, farmer fraud!
Pull over, now!
♪
♪
♪
- Hi, there.
- Hi, there.
We have reason to believe you
may be harbouring a fugitive.
Huh?
♪
[DELLA SIGHS]
Buntline hitch.
Oh my God Rhian!
It's her signature knot!
We've had some pretty kinky nights.
TMI!
OSCAR: She's onto her.
If we find Rhian, then we find Lidia.
POLICE RADIO: APB reports
of a gas station heist.
Likely hybrid.
Could be armed and dangerous.
LIDIA: The house in Brooklyn's
gonna sell, at some point.
And I am a hard worker.
Don't let these
well-moisturized hands fool you.
I-I will pay you back.
- It's fine.
- Mm-hm?
I've got a deposit box on
the other side of the border.
So, until we get across,
no money for food.
[EXHALES SHAKILY] Well
At least we have water, right?
So that's good.
Though I do have low blood sugar.
It's fine.
[TAKING SHALLOW BREATHS]
Oh, God.
She looks younger than Eleanor.
She shouldn't be out here alone.
What if some criminal picks her up?
Seriously?
No, no, do not slow down.
Lidia, keep going!
No, no, no, no, no!
Do not slow don't stop.
LIDIA: I know you're annoyed
with me right now,
and that's totally valid,
but the only thing I hate
more than a man telling me what to do
is the man I'm running away with
telling me what not to do.
HITCHHIKER: Hi, I'm Polly!
She wouldn't really
have drowned herself, right?
That's not Lidia.
Lidia is a well-manicured,
very dramatic cockroach.
Cockroaches survive.
They don't do the dog-paddle
of death in the Bay of Fundy!
Unless
Unless!
Do you think Gale drowned her,
like a murder-husband
from one of those crime docs?
The real crime scene
is that toilet bowl.
I would not go in there.
And neither would Lidia.
I don't think this is
the right gas station.
NORA: No.
OSCAR: Responding
to your call, so
RHIAN: Oh, shit.
Oh
GAS GUY: Um, her hair was blond.
RHIAN: [GASPS]
Lidia was here.
Did she hold up a gas station?
She's alive.
And she's gone full
natural born killers.
Come on.
♪
Said we're here for a good time ♪
["WE'RE HERE FOR A GOOD TIME"
BY TROOPER PLAYING]
[SINGING ALONG] Not a long time! ♪
- Not a long time! ♪
- Yeah!
So have a good time! ♪
The sun can't shine every day! ♪
[CHEERING]
POLLY: Good tune!
Wow, besides major buzzkill over here,
this is the best
hitchhike I've ever had.
You know what?
You remind me a lot of my mom.
If my mom was cool yet for
some reason drove a lame car.
[BOTH LAUGH]
LIDIA: That's like the nicest thing
anyone under the age of 40
has said to me all summer.
And it's his car.
Every year
has its share of tears ♪
How far are you going?
What is distance, anyways?
The space between two objects.
I am a steward of all the land.
Oh, great, then we'll, uh,
we'll let you off right here, then.
It's why I became a woof-er,
work opportunities on organic farms,
because the cultivators of the earth
are the most valuable citizens.
Seriously, are these your
Nana's wheels or something?
- [LIDIA STIFLES A LAUGH]
- You know what?
You've just lost
your music privileges.
[BIRDS CHIRPING OUTSIDE]
[CAR SLOWS AND ENGINE STOPS]
Sorry. Um, can we chat for a second?
[DOORS SLAM]
- Uh, what is happening here?
- I don't know!
What is happening here?
I'm trying to be welcoming
to our guest
to make up for your bad attitude?
No, I'm talking about
the twisted family road trip
with a total stranger,
singing Canadian oldies?
Okay, Trooper is essential cancon,
and I'm sorry if "no having fun"
is another rule of the road
you forgot to clue me in on.
I mean, I know, our situation stinks,
but would it kill you
to lighten up a little?
As a matter of fact,
it just might kill me, yeah!
And your emotional jazz hands
are gonna get us both busted!
Emotional jazz hands?!
You picked up that kid
as a distraction
from what's really going on.
Okay, are you still pissed at me
about losing the money?
Because I said I'd make it up
to you, and I swear I will.
I opened up to you, Lidia!
Back at the outlook, I opened up.
And I don't do that.
And I don't do that, ever.
You said "I love you,"
and we had very hot backseat sex.
- What? I said it back!
- What am I to you?
Did your feelings change
when you saw me
without the motorcycle
and all the leather?
Am I just your slam piece?
Slam piece?
[SCOFFS] No!
What?
No, Gale!
You're not running away with me.
You're running away from your family.
♪
Gale, no.
That's that's not true.
I'm with you.
Literally, right now.
And I'm not using that kid
to avoid being alone with you,
I'm just
I dunno, maybe
I'm trying to prove to myself
that I'm not a total monster
by helping this defenceless
young woman, you know?
Just looking for the good
to counteract all the bad.
You left the keys in the ignition.
I believe I did, yeah. [INHALES]
NORA: Rhian,
I am not stopping again, okay?
"Award-winning BBQ."
Secret's in the rub, apparently.
Randy T from Newport says,
"these ribs are to die for!"
Our sister's gonna be dead
if we don't find her soon.
I am a nursing mother.
I need animal flesh or I will be dead.
Enough with the mortality crap, okay?
Are you still freaking out
about maybe having cancer?
Yes! Like a normal human person,
I'm a tad bummed at the idea
of kicking the bucket.
It's the "maybe" part
that's keeping me
from driving this truck
off a cliff, okay?
Well, it could be good news.
You could just be barren!
Please stop comforting me.
[RADIO PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]
You know that whatever happens,
I'll be there for you, right?
Wow.
You must really want
those freakin' ribs.
♪
[CLASSIC SURF ROCK PLAYING]
♪
♪
I've seen this porno.
Mmm, I used to have
a lumberjack fetish.
Seriously, beefcake much?
Pamphlet should have mentioned
that Rocky's Roadhouse
serves two kinds of jumbo meat!
Booyah!
Okay, we're just gonna order
the food and then hit the road.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[URINE TINKLING]
You know, I'm usually the more
emotionally available one
in my relationships.
Back in college, I brought
a list of baby names
to a speed-dating event.
I wish that I could say
you're making this less awkward!
[BIRD CALLING IN DISTANCE]
[SIGHS] Okay.
So
Maybe I have been using
sex and a hitchhiker
to distract from
how I'm really feeling.
[SIGHS] I do love you, Gale.
Leather or no leather.
I mean, it's hard to feel
anything for anyone right now
other than panic.
Over our lack of food
Suitable lounge wear
My kids
Do you remember when we first met?
[SIGHS]
In Heidi braids with a suitcase
full of Chinese pharmaceuticals?
Classic.
I should have just let you walk away.
The business proposition,
all of it, it was just
It was just an excuse to see you.
Well, maybe I didn't
want to walk away.
Yeah, but the responsible
thing to do would have been
to make you walk away.
Lidia, it's been a year.
Look at look at where you are!
Everything gets worse for you
when we're together.
This isn't your life.
You're here because of me.
And for that, I am truly sorry.
First off
No one can make me do anything.
That's the real problem here.
[LAUGHS]
So don't apologize to me,
or tell me I'm some choice you regret.
Because I regret a lot of things
I don't regret meeting you.
Okay.
Well
We'll find a way for you
to contact Finn and Eleanor.
Okay.
I know a guy who can set up
a secure communication
once we get across the border,
and after that,
once the dust settles, I'll, uh
I'll make a deal with the feds.
You'll get immunity.
You'll get immunity, I promise.
I love you.
[INHALES]
But do you love my hybrid vehicle?
[BOTH LAUGH]
♪
♪
[BIRD CALLING IN DISTANCE]
♪
All hail the convertible battery.
♪
[MEN GASP]
[MEN GASP]
[MEN GASP]
RHIAN: Yah!
[EVERYONE CHEERING]
Yes!
MEN: [CHANTING] Rhian, Rhian
Bow down to your meat queen!
MEN: Rhian, Rhian, Rhian,
Rhian, Rhian
[CHANTING CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND]
You know, it's like
Is that all life is?
Just flippin' off the man
every chance you get
for trying to crawl into
your body for all it's worth?
You know, sometimes I think,
"stop complicating your life!"
You know? "Just walk away."
But that curve
Always keeps me coming back, you know?
All 45 degrees.
[COUNTRY ROCK PLAYING IN BAR]
So, Kurt says he has never seen
such power and precision
in a first-timer before.
Thank you to the two
20-pound human kettlebells
I've been hauling around
for three months!
I'm already very aware
that you would make
an excellent axe-murderer.
But we have to go.
And you definitely need to drive.
- Mm-hm.
- Rhian
What if this whole
Lidia thing is all my fault?
You know, because I called her
a back-stabbing bitch?
She left because I kicked
her out of her trailer
and tried to kill her with a nail gun.
What if we never
see her again, you know?
What do we tell Eleanor? Finn?
♪
That slutty little bitch!
GALE: Did you call them
from the gas station?
No!
I swear, I have no clue
how they tracked us down.
But isn't it so sweet they came
all this way just to find me?
Or they want me dead.
♪
That guy.
He's from a competing club,
which means we're in enemy territory.
I hate to ask you to
cut the reunion short
Already on it.
I'll handle my sisters.
You find Polly and get our car back.
LIDIA: Hey [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
What are you doing here?
Holding an axe?
I'm a lumberjack savant.
And you, Lidia,
are predictable as shit.
I told you, Nora.
No human being, sane or otherwise,
passes up a plate of primo ribs.
The prison bars of the meat world.
LIDIA: Well, we didn't
initially come here for BBQ.
That being said, can someone
please spot me 20 bucks
for a stack? I'm so hungry!
Oh, and have you seen a teenage girl?
She stole our car!
We're not gonna help you run!
We bounty huntresses, bitch!
NORA: The only reason I tagged along
on this tourist route from hell
is to drag your sorry ass home, okay?
MAN: Are you right- or left-handed?
POLLY: I know how
to throw an axe, dude.
- [AXE HITS TARGET]
- MAN: That was a great shot.
POLLY: Now you're just
axe-splaining me.
Come around here often?
You're not even old enough
to drink, you little fraud.
I was old enough to do
what we did last night.
NORA: You don't get to bail
and then leave us with the fall-out!
I'm actually trying to
be self less for once.
If I come with you right now,
I put the whole family in danger.
Once again, you are confusing
martyrdom with assholedom.
You can't protect us from you.
That ship has sailed, okay?
You're just running away to Cabo
with some guy
that you barely even know.
I'm not running off to Cabo, Nora!
I'm going to Panama.
Totally different headwear.
POLLY: You said you loved me!
GALE: Okay, buddy, chill.
She's kidding.
POLLY: Kidding?!
He promised he was
gonna take me to prom!
He promised!
He's a liar.
Everyone, let's take a breath.
RHIAN: Nora,
I think we should tell her.
Yeah.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Lidia
This isn't the usual mess,
and it isn't entirely yours.
I may have landed mom
on the most wanted list
for Jimmy's murder.
What?!
Dad saved his skull
and I basically handed it to the cops.
Why the hell would you do that?!
I was trying to slow the resort build!
The point is, you think you're
the antichrist of the Moonshine,
but you're no worse than us!
We're all satanic spawn.
But we're the only
spawn that we've got,
and if we're gonna keep spawning,
which is what spawns do, then
We need you.
Shit.
You know what,
I'm just going to take the keys.
- And I'll be on my way.
- BIKER: Hey!
That you, Favreau?
LIDIA: Gale!
Oh, shit.
I don't think so, pervert!
You got a problem?
GALE: Lidia, we gotta go!
Nora (V.O.): Actually
There was a problem.
And it would wind up
in an enormous brawl
that would obliterate
Rocky's Roadhouse.
Now, I could regale you
in the bloodshed,
but I could care less
about some sweaty bar fight.
So instead, I'll stick to the players,
because this is my podcast, okay?
And character and stakes
are everything, baby.
Nora (V.O.): First, we have
our hangry lumberjack.
Only dry rub in town
that don't chafe on the way out.
NORA: Then we have our cunning urchin
who pulls shit like this all the time.
Because I'm cute and smart,
and actually 26.
NORA: And then we have
our outlaw biker
with his four ex-wives,
who really needs that bounty
on Gail Favreau's head.
He's dead.
And then we have our doomed lovers.
I'm gonna throw the keys to Lidia,
and then she needs to run.
Without even saying goodbye?
Is that skank seriously choosing
the best sex of her life
over her own sisters?!
I get it!
Down below!
[KEYS CLINK]
- [THWACK]
- [MAN GROANS]
- [THWACK]
- [GROANS]
WOMAN: What an asshole!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC IN SURF ROCK STYLE]
[YELLING]
POLLY: You're gonna drop the keys!
Aah, stop her!
[GALE GROANS]
[LIDIA YELLS]
Hi-yah!
["PINK LINCOLN"
BY THE MATADORS PLAYING]
And she get to whiskey drinkin' ♪
[INDISTINCT YELLING]
♪
LIDIA: Gale!
You okay?
- [SIRENS APPROACHING]
- Oh, God.
Arrested, shot, or axed to death.
What's your poison? Is it poison?
None of the above.
Time for plan B,
which means you drive.
- I drive?
- You drive.
[SIRENS APPROACHING]
♪
NORA: [SLURRING SPEECH]
Oh, and you have to drive, okay,
because I cannot chase
a cop car after I've had three,
I've had four
I had nine beers! [LAUGHS]
When this floozy get too boozy ♪
ain't too choosy whom she cozy ♪
- NORA: Okay!
- [ENGINE STARTS]
[SIRENS WAILING]
Oh, God, what's wrong with you?
I'm gonna puke!
Don't yell at me!
I haven't driven anything other
than a lawnmower in three years!
[NORA VOMITING]
Shut your mouth and
pull out your pink Lincoln ♪
yeah! come on ♪
[SIRENS WAILING]
NORA: Yeah. Speed up!
They're getting away!
The cops are right behind us!
I don't wanna get a ticket!
NORA: Aw!
♪
RHIAN: We're losing them!
It's Oscar.
Yeah, well, what's he gonna do,
put his baby mama in jail?
I don't think so.
Oh, you don't know Oscar like I do.
He can be a real beast.
OSCAR: [SPEAKER] Hey, honey bear?
I think it's probably best
you let us take the lead
on this one, 'kay?
Could you pull over,
please and thanks?
Please, okay. Could you
- Guy's a real beast.
- [SIREN WHOOPS]
DELLA: [SPEAKER]
Rhian, get off the road!
In fact, everyone with
the last name Finley-Cullen
cease driving immediately!
♪
- Here we go.
- Okay!
- Hang on tight.
- Okay.
Now, this is where the story
gets a little bit fuzzy.
Was I actually in that car with Lidia?
[EXHALES] No.
But can I imagine what was said?
Ooh
Oh, you gotta wee-wee again,
don't you?
Sure can!
I'm almost at the tipping point.
- Forgive me!
- Ugh!
NORA: Okay, you can't
tell me that didn't happen.
Also this
Before I throw my entire life away
and run off with you forever,
I just need to know one thing.
- What's that?
- Your real name.
♪
It's Bert.
- Like Bert and Ernie?
- As in "bobert."
It's it's a family name.
NORA: Okay, okay, that probably
didn't happen either.
But for sure this did.
[SOUND OF SKIN RUBBING]
Lidia Lidia Lidia!
NORA: Well, that's one way
to get a guy to stop
backseat driving you.
Really, it's the only way.
As for the truth about what
really went down in that car
["LOVE IS TO DIE" BY WARPAINT PLAYING]
♪
NORA: When you're in the middle
of a high-speed chase,
sandwiched between the police
and your insane older sister
and her leather-clad slam piece,
you suddenly get a lot of
clarity on what matters,
who matters,
what your life's been all about.
I guess the "why now" of this story
is I realized maybe
Having a little bit of Lidia in me
isn't such a bad thing
She took a leap of faith
when her life wasn't working.
She took a chance.
Followed her big demented heart.
All those clichés on those
cheap, decorative pillows
at discount stores,
she did all of that.
And maybe
I dunno, the rest of us
need to do that too.
Live life.
Get out of your own damn way.
♪
Call the doctor.
♪
Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪
Oh, oh ♪
♪
[LOUD CRASH]
[EXPLOSION]
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
There's no decorative pillow
for this one, folks.
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪