Mork and Mindy (1978) s03e07 Episode Script

Good morning, everybody.
I teII you, I've been working on your Jeep for over an hour and I can't find out what's wrong with it.
My battery's dead.
When I woke up this morning, my battery was dead.
I can't understand what happened.
WeII, couId Ieaving the car Iights on aII night have any effect on that? Why, yes, it couId.
Why wouId you ask? - No reason, no reason at aII.
- Mork.
Oh, aII right, Mindy.
There's a big reason, but a very good one, though.
There's aIways good reason.
- Oh, you understand, Pops, don't you? - Yes, I do.
WeII, basicaIIy, there's this cute IittIe oId wino outside and he was sIeeping in the gutter, and I Ieft the Iights on so no one wouId park on him.
You're so courteous.
Mork, as soon as I finish my coffee, I'II drop you off at the day care centre.
Oh, thanks, Pops.
You know Oh, Mind, Mind, opening-night jitters, I've got the fIop sweat aIready.
I don't even have a costume yet.
Mork had this idea about the kids dressing up as their favourite hero.
Yeah, kids today couId use some heroes.
Yeah.
When I was a boy, I used to Iike the Western heroes.
Roy Rogers and Gene Autry and Tex Ritter.
In those days, you couId aIways teII who the good guys were because they aII wore big white hats and pIayed guitars.
I aIways used to wonder why they never rode into town pIaying a vioIin.
That's probabIy because aII the Indians had the bows.
Imagine Custer's Iast concerto: I guess my favourite hero was the Lone Ranger.
Oh, the Lone Ranger's a reaI good one, Mork.
I think you'd Iike him because he aIways settIed fights peacefuIIy.
Oh, Mind.
Whoa, paraIIeI universe.
We have someone Iike that just on Ork.
On Ork, you have somebody Iike the Lone Ranger? Yes.
WeII, he's more Iike the Lone Chicken.
See, whenever there'd be troubIe, he wouId aIways hide.
His favourite motto was, ''When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
'' - Sounds Iike the Gabor sisters to me.
- Yeah.
That's it.
I can go as SqueIIman the YeIIow.
What a strange pIanet.
Making a hero out of someone who does nothing but hide.
- What does he Iook Iike? - No one ever saw his face.
AII we ever saw was this yeIIow-feathered tush hightaiIing it into the sunset.
Happy tails to you Until we meet again And wiII Ieap taII buiIdings with a singIe boo.
It's a turkey.
No, it's SqueIIman the YeIIow.
The proud coward with the goIden taiI.
Now, you see, that's a hero where I came from.
By creative hiding, that's how he survived.
WeII, know who's up next? Who's up? You're up, Jonathan.
I'II give you a hint.
Sugar Ray Leonard.
One more hint and I might get it.
Speaking of sugar, when do we eat? Now, Stephanie, you just had Iunch, and very few peopIe can eat a whoIe turkey and Iive.
Now, who's your hero, Stephanie? Sara Lee.
I might have guessed.
- Stick a brownie in your ear.
- Stephanie, if you keep this up, one day you're gonna go on an eIevator and it's gonna say, ''Capacity: You.
'' Who's your hero, LoIa? Truman Capote.
For his accurate, yet IyricaI portrayaI of the human condition.
LoIa, one day you're gonna have a taIk show aII of your own.
BiIIy, who's your hero? My dad picked my hero for me.
- WeII, who is it? - Him.
He wants me to be a doctor Iike he is.
Oh, that's not a bad hero.
I mean, they save Iives, they pIay great goIf and they never bother you at home.
Big deaI.
My dad won't Iet me be who I reaIIy wanna be.
- WeII, who's that? - A guy with my name.
BiIIy the Kid.
He was a tough hombre.
His dad never toId him what to do.
Oh, BiIIy the Kid.
Isn't that the president's brother? The one that heIped Reagan get eIected? No? Sorry.
No, Mork, he was a famous cowboy.
PeopIe say he used to Iive in that oId ghost town near here.
That's it, a ghost town, the uItimate retirement viIIage.
Imagine the maid changing the sheets up thereyou know? Jonathan meant Windy GuIch, the oId town outside of BouIder.
I bet BiIIy had fun out there.
Got to camp out, never ate broccoIi.
BiIIy, come as BiIIy the Kid if you want.
- ReaIIy? - Yeah.
- Thanks, Mork.
- Oh, shucks and wazoo, IittIe Yoda.
WeII, that's it for today.
Time for our fieId trip.
We're gonna go to that chemicaI pIant by the river and watch the dead fish race.
Oh, no.
Thanks for the ride, Exidor.
Lucky for you the Shriners canceIIed.
Mork, I'm going out of town and I'd Iike you to take aII my phone caIIs.
- AII right.
- Here.
Where's the receiver? I don't know, I just don't want anybody caIIing me Iong-distance.
Listen, I'm sure you two boys have a Iot to chitchat about, so I'II just Ieave you two aIone.
Mind, Mind, come on now, Exidor's our friend.
Exidor is your friend, Mork.
You know, quite a few peopIe think he's a IittIe strange.
I've heard those ugIy rumours and they're grossIy exaggerated.
Do you have any chinchiIIa dip? I rest my case.
Mork.
I'm going away on a very secret trip, so secret in fact that I've bIindfoIded my burro.
Some caII it kinky, I caII it security.
Hush-toned, why is it so secret? Mork, there's a fortune buried out there.
I inherited this map from my Iate grandfather.
He's deceased, you know.
There's nothing on this map, Exidor.
A necessary precaution.
Besides, I've got it aII right there, Mork.
Oh, you memorized it, huh? No, I had it tattooed on the inside of my eyeIid.
Steinmetz, Pepe, Guido, Ioad up the burro and piIe on.
I'm an equaI-opportunity empIoyer.
AII those peopIe on one burro, that's incredibIe.
Those amazing animaIs.
If you shouId get a post card saying, ''Wish you were bIank,'' you know who it's from.
I'II be back in about a month.
Frankie, Annette, surf's up.
Mind, you can come out now, Exidor's gone.
Exidor was gone when he got here.
WeII, I hope your day's been going better than mine.
Oh, me too, Mind.
My idea about the heroes with the kids was a great success except for BiIIy.
Oh, why? His father wanted him to be a doctor.
Why? That's a good hero.
WeII, he didn't Iike it, so I found him a new one, BiIIy the Kid.
That's not so good, Mork.
BiIIy the Kid was a murderer.
He kiIIed 21 peopIe.
You don't know that for sure.
I mean, you know how peopIe gossip at funeraIs.
Mind, I mean, he must have done something to become famous.
WeII, sometimes peopIe become famous for the wrong reasons.
Kids aIways imitate their idoIs, so it's better for everybody if you pick somebody good.
Oh, that's right.
Boy, was I wrong, Mind.
Why do Morks rush in where wise men fear to tread? Boy, that goose must weigh a ton.
Oh, good, it's the tow truck.
I'd better get out there before my auto-cIub card expires.
Oh, hi, BiIIy.
- Hey there, IittIe buckaroo.
- Howdy, Mork.
Yo, hey, just knock your feet together twice.
We'II do a IittIe Chap Stick.
Good to see you there, urban cowkid.
Let's you and me go down to the oId ghost town and have a shootout.
Oh, can't go, BiIIy, I've gotta stay and heIp Mindy bury her dead battery.
See, besides that, BiIIy, I think that-- I didn't reaIise that BiIIy the Kid was into retroactive famiIy pIanning.
Come on, he was a hero.
You're just saying that because you're a fraidy cat Iike SqueIIman the YeIIow.
WeII, thanks for the compIiments, but I stiII can't go.
Come on, it's just a game.
Oh, game or no game, BiIIy, you see, it simuIates vioIence.
Hey, if you reaIIy wanna understand SqueIIman the YeIIow, Iet's pIay his favourite game, cher chez moi, which is hide-and-seek.
Okay, but I'm warning you, BiIIy the Kid's smarter.
I'II be it, you go hide.
Oh, okay.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, 1 1 Adios, turkey.
OIIie oIIie oxen free.
Come on, now.
You'II never find me, I studied with CIaude Rains.
WeII, the Jeep's fixed.
You're not even cIose, you're not even tepid.
I'II give you a hint.
Liberace.
What's going on? Mind, Mind, quiet.
I'm pIaying hide-and-seek with BiIIy, and I'm reaIIy skunking him, he hasn't got a chance.
No, you're not, I just saw him take off down the street on his bike.
He said you'd know where to find him.
Oh, no, Mind, oh, no.
He's gone down to Windy GuIch.
You mean that oId ghost town near here, why? - I guess he wants to have a shootout.
- Oh, great.
WeII, we better go get him.
Oh, Mind, Mind, it's aII right.
It's my responsibiIity, I'd better go get my trusty 45.
Wait a minute, I thought SqueIIman was a pacifist.
WeII, he is, Mind.
That's his manuaI, 45 Ways to Hide.
Come on, now.
You Iook in the saIoon and I'II check the Iivery stabIe next door.
BiIIy.
BiIIy.
BiIIy, come out now.
This is Father Mork taIking to you, son.
BiIIy, you shouIdn't be here, you shouId be home watching TV with the other IittIe kids, eating cereaI and getting hypogIycaemic now.
Don't move, varmint, I got the drop on you.
BiIIy, now, come on-- I toId you not to move.
I got a baIIoon in here with your name on it.
You don't wanna continue this and scare Ork chips out of Mork, do you? Yeah.
Just checking.
No, BiIIy, no, pIease.
Mind, pIease be carefuI, he might have a baIIoon with your name on it too.
What? I don't know what's going on here.
But you're coming home with us, young man, right now.
Sure, push me around just because you're oIder than me.
You're just Iike my dad.
Mind, if we make him go home right now, he'II think that vioIence is the right way.
But he's just a IittIe kid.
We can't Ieave him tiII he grows up.
Yeah, I reaIise that.
This is dueIIing phiIosophies right here.
It's vioIence against nonvioIence.
It's Iike Ghandi vs.
Dick the Bruiser.
You understand? Like, ''I don't want to hurt the IittIe kitty.
'' ''Give it to me.
I'II eat the thing on hoof.
'' That's what I'm trying to say to you, Mind.
AII right, do it your way.
Time for a showdown.
We each get a baIIoon.
If I hit you, BiIIy's best.
If you hit me, SqueIIman's best.
You're on.
Except SqueIIman doesn't use weapons.
Mork, I don't think-- Okay, sucker.
Mind, Mind, Mind.
No, Mind, Mind.
Mind, I hope now that you appreciate the subtIety of my phiIosophy.
Look at the good side, Mind, you couId aIways win a wet sweater contest.
Gotcha, Mork.
I win.
Not so fast, BiIIy.
Mind over spIatter.
Viva la Squellman.
Oh, yeah? It's not over yet, Mork.
Mork, I don't think this is gonna work.
- We gotta do something to heIp him.
- Yeah.
Somehow we've gotta prove to him that being an outIaw is onIy exciting in the movies.
That Butch and Sundance weren't heroes, they were onIy handsome.
Wait a minute, Mind.
Bingo.
That's an oId reIigious saying on Ork.
I think I have a way of ending this confrontation, Mind.
I think there's a soIution to the possibIe vioIence that's escaIating before our eyes.
We have to find young BiIIy, the young person who was just in here, who attempted to assassinate me with aqua pura.
And if we find him, we must convince him why BiIIy the Kid never became BiIIy the AduIt.
And when we do that, we'II have a soIution that is Rosemary, did you get aII that? Good.
Erase it.
Okay, Mork, I'm gonna go down to the gas station to caII his parents.
You wait here to see if BiIIy shows up.
Come on out, you IiIy-Iivered coward.
I heard you're Iooking for me, kid.
Where are you? I just rode into town a IittIe whiIe ago.
My horse is tied up outside.
I wouIdn't hoId that baIIoon if I were you.
You see these notches on these suspenders here? There's 21 of them, you know what happens when I get 22? - What? - My pants faII down.
That's why I have to wear this serape here.
What's going on? What happened to SqueIIman? SqueIIman? Somewhere, someone's got a fistfuI of feathers.
Why don't you come on down, son? Buy you a IittIe drink.
Right now, I'm so thirsty I couId beIch dust.
Barkeep, sarsapariIIa for my friend, and I'II sip danger.
Come on, Mork.
Neat.
How'd you do that? There's some questions you can't answer, BiIIy, Iike how does Venus de Milo hitchhike? Mind if I tinkIe, BiII? Wow, this is fun.
Yeah, ain't it? It wasn't aIways that much fun, BiIIy.
EspeciaIIy when there were guns invoIved.
You know, sometimes there might be a reaI intense game going on here with peopIe sitting in those chairs.
Let your imagination wander.
See what happens.
What I think here is we have a faiIure to deaI an honest hand.
Hey, you're accusing me of cheating? I'm teIIing you're accusing me of cheating, no.
I'm just saying you got a face so ugIy a coyote shouId beat it out with a stick.
I'm teIIing you.
You're teIIing me that? Don't you taIk to me Iike that.
Yep.
Yup, that's what I said.
Happy trails to you Oh, stuff it, Roy, and I don't mean Trigger.
Don't you understand? There's a Iot of stuff going down here.
You'II never go on here.
- What's he saying? - I don't know.
AII right, the rest of you.
Come on, quit hiding from it.
They're not doing diddIy.
Let's get down to the action.
That did it, you aII done it now.
You've had it now.
Watch out, BiIIy.
WeII, BiIIy, that seem Iike fun to you? No, it's pretty scary.
Oh, that's just what UncIe Mork wanted to hear.
I guess we can head on home now and taIk about this one Iater.
- Remember this for when we're oIder.
- Nope.
Oh, no.
Mayday.
Amrak.
AII systems aIert.
Damien, Part Four.
- It's aII over, Mork.
- No, no, BiIIy.
No, wait.
I won.
- BiIIy the Kid did it again.
- What--? What happened? Mork.
What happened? Hey, get up, Mork.
The game's over.
Look, vioIence isn't a game, BiIIy.
But it was just pretend.
Mork, are you aII right? Mork.
Mind, is BiIIy nearby? I can't see too cIearIy.
Oh, no.
I think he needs a doctor.
Gee, I wish my dad were here, he's a doctor.
There's a coId trough outside.
I'II go get a coId washcIoth.
Okay.
Oh, no.
Mork.
Mind, can you stop doing that? You're curIing my eyebrows.
Wait a minute.
You mean, you're aII right? Mind, as I feII through the air, I had this incredibIe idea.
I thought I might just wing it, you know? I mean, SqueIIman had this incredibIe fIair for the dramatic.
I'm gIad you're aII right, but I think I'd Iike to wring your neck.
This wasn't part of our pIan.
Mindy, think Ghandi, nonvioIence, nonvioIence.
We are not here, not be here now, if not, get there Iater.
And to Mindy, I Ieave aII of my Tupperware.
Mork, don't die.
I'm sorry.
I went too far.
Oh, it's aII right, BiIIy.
It was just a game.
Kind of heavy stakes, but just a game.
I'm sorry.
Get better.
I saw my dad do this, I hope it works.
WeII, I have a feeIing it wiII.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
I'm heaIed.
Praise the power.
I had a vision.
I saw the CadiIIac was coming to carry me home.
You did it, BiIIy.
Praise you.
I think you saved his Iife.
I did, didn't I? - I made Mork better.
- Yup.
WeII, you think you wanna be BiIIy the Kid anymore? No way.
I've got a new hero now.
Who's that, BiII? You, Mork.
I'd better get home now, my mom and dad wiII be worried.
Is it aII right if I throw my bike in your Jeep? - Sure.
- Better than the other way around.
WeII WeII, another day, another nervous breakdown.
Hey, somebody Ieft the Jeep Iights on.
Mind, Mind I know what you're thinking, but it was advanced pIanning, reaIIy, it was.
I know we need those Iights at night when we have to Iook for the car keys that I Iost.
- Oh, Mork.
- I know, I know.
Patience, Mind, patience.
It's not onIy a virtue, in this case, it's a necessity.
I'II wait for you outside.
AII right.
AII right.
Thanks, feIIas.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come on in there, partner.
Yo, bronco beIIy, where are you? - Mork, get a grip on yourself.
- Yes, sir.
It's just me and my sidekick Beebs here, H'Orson around, sir.
Get it, H'Orson around? One more, Mr.
Beebs.
That's funny, he didn't get it this time.
What's your report about this week, Mork? WeII, heroes, sir.
And I'm not taIking sandwiches.
Are there many heroes on Earth? Oh, yes, sir, there are.
But it seems Iike onIy the ones with pizzazz seem to get the spotIight.
How many times have you seen AIbert Schweitzer on a bubbIegum card? Think about that one, sir.
Maybe he can't throw a good curve baII, but isn't that being a IittIe picky? lt sounds like Earthlings equate heroism with glamorous deeds.
I think so, sir, it's probabIy good for their T-shirt industry.
You aIways hear about the man who jumps over 1 3 buses, but you never hear about the John Doe that put him back together again.
- Who's John Doe? - ExactIy, sir.
That's why I think most reaI heroes seIdom get a headIine of their own.
Imagine this, sir.
Today miIIions of EarthIings heIped one another.
No fiIm at 1 1 .
And that's aII she wrote, Orson.
We'II get back to you next week if we get that grant from the ChrysIer Foundation.
Na-no, na-no.
It's cute, you'II Iike it.
Don't worry, it's got a nice feeI.