Mount Pleasant (2011) s03e07 Episode Script

Why do men cheat? You have made a success of it and I'm proud.
I'm nothing but proud.
I've got another buyer lined up.
Can you get it? Of course.
It's got to go there tonight, seven o'clock.
Well, you know where to come when you plan your big day, don't you? You got in the lift, which means you wanted something to happen.
What happens now? I don't know.
I'm in the bath.
Why is the door locked? Why's the door locked, Lisa? I'm in the bath.
How much longer you gonna keep this up?! What? You're not in the bath.
What did you just say? I said, how much longer are you going to keep punishing me? Well, do you think I'm not doing enough of that myself? Do you not think it's not the first thing I think of when I wake up? The last thing on my mind before I go to bed? 24 hours a day? So, that's it then? You say you're sorry and all's forgiven? Well, it doesn't work like that, Dan.
Did for me.
What? I forgave you.
I can't believe you're going there.
Why shouldn't I? It's true, isn't it? We both know it.
Neither of us are saying it, but we both know it.
We promised that we would never mention his name again.
Yeah, well, we promised a lot of things over the years we haven't exactly stuck to, have we? So, I'm saying it because it needs saying.
Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Arg! Lisa.
Hi.
All right? "Hi, Mum and Dad.
Did you have a nice time?" Sorry.
Have you been away then? She's funny, isn't she? She gets that from you.
How was the party? What party? parents away for a few days? Telling me you didn't have a party? I didn't.
Convincing liar as well.
Wonder which one of us she gets that from? So, you two all happy-families again then? When were we not? Stags and hens tonight.
I know.
I know you know.
You've written it on the calendar in bright red pen with three exclamation marks and a load of stars round it.
So? So, how come the wedding itself is in pencil, half the size and battling for space with "gas due"? Oh, God, is the gas due next week? Oh, don't be so soft.
A party's a party and a wedding's a wedding, no matter how big the print.
Like I told you first time round, size is not everything.
You were talking about the cake, right? All right, Dan? Hey! "Do the Harlem Shake.
" Come on! I'm not in the mood, Baz.
Because you can't.
I can do it.
Well, come on then.
No, I'm not in the mood.
Full of the joys, you are.
I hope this stag party that you've sorted is a bit livelier.
It's all in hand.
Have you got a stripper? Charlie will be expecting a stripper.
I can't hire my own dad a stripper - people'll think I've gone barmy! Lower end of barmy anyway.
Eh? Nothing.
Morning, flower.
Morning, Dad.
I'm off out.
Dan has not ordered a stripper for the stag party.
That's because he has such a strong moral core! See you later.
You must be looking forward to tonight though? Chance to let your hair down.
I don't care if it's up, down or shaved off completely, as long as I get plastered.
Promise me something, Denise.
Promise me you'll never get married.
I-I don't think we're there yet.
Good.
Because I'm telling you, if he gets down on one knee you just make sure he's just tying his shoe laces, and if he's not, run.
You and Dan? I don't know what to do.
Well, tonight we can forget about him.
We can forget about all fellas.
Now then Lisa? Clear off out of it, you.
Girl talk.
Girl talk? Oh, God.
Doilies, periods and "all men are pricks"? One out of three, well done.
Urghh! Which one? The third one, or the second if it gets rid of you.
Go on, out.
Shoo.
Are you absolutely sure you don't want me to marry him? He really is quite a catch.
All right? Yeah.
Check this.
Where'd you find that? Alex sent me it.
Who? My best friend from back home.
Do you miss her? Him and, yes, I do.
Oh.
So, Alex is erm? A boy? Yeah.
But I won't have to miss him soon.
He's applied to Manchester Uni - sports studies - and he's coming over this afternoon for an open day tomorrow.
What? So he's staying at yours? Your mum and dad OK with that? Dunno.
I haven't told them.
You know, you should come over.
I reckon you two would get on.
Does he like football? Rugby.
Watching or? Playing.
We'll have lemon yellows rather than hard yellows I'll just see the end of this, and then I'll head off and make sure everything's sorted at the venue.
Where are we going, Dan? Come on.
You can tell me.
I won't breath a word.
I can't take the risk, Barry.
Dad'll break you, spoil the surprise.
'Dan?' In here, Mum.
Where's Lisa? I don't know.
But I want to talk to her.
I can't help you.
What? You don't know where she is? No, Mum.
Well, you're an idiot then, aren't you? What do you think? What you doing, Dad? I said I was sorting the hats.
Yeah, but I'm the man of honour, aren't I? My hat's got to be better than yours or it wouldn't be right.
Know who once wore this hat, Barry? No.
Elvis Presley impersonator from Kent.
Oh.
So, come on.
What you got sorted for me later, eh? Where you taking us? Not telling you.
Fair enough.
But just so's you know, I'm not legally allowed to enter the US any more.
Sorted a stripper? No! I told you.
Why not? Because you're my dad, Dad! It'd be weird.
Get away.
I got you one for your 18th.
You did not.
Didn't I? Who the bloody hell's 18th did I go to then? It were your school mate's.
Erm Nige! Nige? You went to? Even I didn't go to that! You should've done - it were a right laugh - they had a stripper.
Morning.
I just popped by to get this for Bianca.
She talked one of the congregation into making it for Charlie's stag do.
You're coming, aren't you? Yeah, yeah.
I was just on my way to a job.
Thought I'd call in, see how it's looking.
It's almost done now.
It's very impressive.
Come, I'll show you.
No! No.
You get off.
I'm only gonna give it the quick once over, make sure they're not cutting any corners.
Why? Do you think they are? I'm sure they're not.
I just like to be thorough.
It's not mine.
It'll be the girlfriend.
She's after me meeting the parents at the moment - running out of excuses.
Feign a bereavement.
My dead Aunt Cheryl's got me out of morning service more times than I care to remember.
I better shoot off.
He's probably gone by now.
Safe to head home.
You can't live like that, avoiding each other.
I just want to get through this wedding and after that What are you wearing tonight? School uniform, isn't it? What? It is, isn't it? Oh, that St Trinians thing? Oh, no, that was Pauline's idea.
We sharp knocked that on the head.
No, it's Pink Ladies theme now.
You didn't tell me you'd changed it.
Sorry, Fergus, I know how much you were looking forward to it.
No, I wasn't! I wasn't! What you going on about? Shut up.
Oh, my God.
Remember what I told you? One knee? If it's not shoelaces, run.
Shoelaces? Very into pumps, our Lisa.
You made me look an idiot.
I couldn't just magic it out of there, could I? I'm sorry.
Here.
I've lined up an alternative buyer - it's less money.
The difference will have to come out your cut.
I don't want a cut.
You what? What's this? This is me saying I'm out.
Just like that? Just like that.
Hold it up! Hold it up.
Ta-da! What do you think? Still say it'll attract the wrong crowd.
Shut it, you! She did it in that old west typeface, like you said.
It's brilliant, Bianca.
Dad likes to think he's a cowboy.
I don't know why, he's never even been on a horse.
Though he did punch a cow once.
Oh, yeah, and, erm, this is for you.
Ah, yes, very hoedown.
You brought this with you? How did you know I was going to be here? I'm not always in here, am I? Bianca, am I always in here? Hmm.
Seriously? Oh, God, that's so depressing.
Well, I might as well have another drink now.
Charlie still doesn't know that you're bringing him here? I know it just seems like a night down the local, but I've got a few surprises in store.
Oh, are you getting a stripper? No, I am not! Why does everyone keep asking me that? He's like 106 years old or something, plus he's my dad! Yes, I know, but You've got to have a stripper.
Roger! Doesn't the Bible frown on that sort of thing? Who knows? Have you ever read it? It's jibberish, most of it.
Although I do seem to remember there being a bit about not punching cows.
The way dad tells it, the cow started it.
Oh, well, that's probably all right then.
Right, we'll be here for seven.
Thanks again, Bianca.
My pleasure.
I'll see you later.
If you think about it, I suppose, Adam and Eve were the first strippers, weren't they? You! You're the reason I spent half last week on the toilet! Excuse me? I got food poisoning off those chicken bits you were handing out, didn't I? I think you've got the wrong woman, love.
Come on.
No.
No, I haven't.
I remember her face.
It was you, outside the supermarket, handing out chicken bits, dressed up like Humpty-bloody-Dumpty.
You want to lower your voice in front of my kid? You've got the wrong woman, so if I were you, I'd do one before I lose my temper.
Oh, yeah? Fancy repeating that for my husband? If I have to.
Denise has not been standing outside supermarkets handing out chicken bits, all right? No.
And it wasn't a Humpty-Dumpty costume neither, it was just a big egg, so you can I've always suited hats, haven't I, Lisa? Yes, Dad.
Dan home? He's gone out.
Here, take a photo of us.
Can I do it later? No, now.
I want to put it on Twitter.
Twitter? You still on that thing? How many followers have you got now? Four.
There's your mum, auntie Pam, Peter with the foot, someone called Nosh43.
How many have you got? I'm not on it.
You should be.
It's a cultural revolution.
Here, take a picture of me with this 'nana.
Can I put my shopping away now? Yes, love.
Lisa? I'm still here.
How much longer is Dan gonna be kipping on the sofa? I don't know, Dad.
Are things bad? They've been better.
Do you want a hug? Yeah, I do.
I'd love a hug.
Hey, I could find a hotel.
Stop in a Travelodge or something till I go back.
Give you and Dan a bit of time.
No, I won't hear of it.
We don't need time.
We'll sort this thing out, one way or another.
What do you mean, "or another"? I mean I mean, it's not something I want to worry about today.
It's Pauline's hen night and I just want to go out, and get smashed and have a good time.
You must be looking forward to a night out with the lads, eh? Yeah, should be fun.
Well, there you go then.
Don't worry yourself.
Oh! Your mother's re-tweeted us! Oooh! How many followers has she got? Just me.
So, all this time? All these big shoots? It was all just you standing around dressed as an egg? I wasn't always an egg Sometimes I was a sausage.
Denise, why didn't you just tell me? Because I felt stupid and embarrassed.
I was going to tell you straight away, but you kept going on at me like this whole modelling thing was some silly dream.
No, I never.
You did at first.
Maybe.
And then Then you changed your mind.
Then you started telling me how proud you were and that made it even worse.
How could I tell you then? Why? What did you think I'd do? Laugh at me.
I would never laugh at you.
Not even if I'm dressed up as an egg? Not even then.
I'd be proud, whatever you're doing, because you're Denise .
.
and I don't deserve you, I never have.
You're perfect.
A perfect mum, a perfect girlfriend .
.
a perfect egg.
Next Wednesday, I'm going to be a big bottle of ketchup.
It's done.
I'm out.
What did he say? Not a lot.
So, what now? I guess things go back to normal.
How do you feel about normal? Compared to what? Constantly worrying that the next time I see you, you'll be in handcuffs? Normal's sounding pretty fucking good to me.
Dan.
Oh, all right? Not really, no.
Bradley, I don't know what to say.
I absolutely swear that nothing happened.
I can't even tell you how sorry You think I care how sorry you are? It was a mistake.
Yeah, it was.
Two reasons you're not picking yourself up off the floor right now.
One, I believe her when she tells me how far it went.
And two I like it round here.
I don't fancy upping sticks again when you stick a restraining order on me.
I wouldn't.
Yeah, you would.
If I'd done what I wanted to a few days ago, you'd have to, trust me on that.
But, as I say, I like it round here.
So I reckon we just put it behind us.
You think we can do that? Absolutely.
We're gonna skip the parties tonight, probably best, all things considered.
Erm yeah, course.
Best to your mum and dad though, yeah? Wow! Yeah? Do you think so? Not too much? You look incredible.
Thank you.
Well, my carriage awaits.
Don't wait up.
And best behaviour, you.
I'm Skyping mum tomorrow and she'll want a full report.
They've ordered a Hummer.
Have we got a Hummer? No, Barry.
Do you really want to go on a stag do in a great big pink car? I wouldn't mind.
So, what have you got planned then? Are we going to a casino? I've never been to a proper casino.
Do they have them things there? Like at the seaside? Where you have to get all the We are not going to a casino, Barry, and that's all you're getting from me.
Just Just trust me.
It's dad's night and he's got a big surprise in store.
I'm not saying it's a problem.
I'm just saying she should have told us.
She doesn't have to tell us.
She knows that Alex is welcome here any time he likes.
How are your parents, Alex? Oh, they're well, thanks, Mrs Dawson.
I keep telling you, you can call me Tanya.
Where's he going to stay? In my bed where, of course, we'll both be naked.
Spare room, Dad.
Hello? Yeah, well Sorry, Alex, she just sprung it on us, that's all.
But like Mrs Dawson says, you're welcome any time you like.
Up the stairs, first door on the left.
Thanks.
I'll er just take my stuff up then.
Hey, I've always liked that one.
How come you and him have never hooked up? Who says we haven't? Kidding, Dad! Look, she's just messing with you! No-one is supposed to know we're here.
What's she supposed to do, Bradley? They've been best friends since she was six.
Alex and his family have got nothing to do with it anyway.
Stop worrying about it.
I spoke to Dan.
He's still in one piece.
Not getting sent down for that tool.
So, what do you want to do now? Now we do what you said, we put it behind us.
Do you mean that? Yeah, sure.
This lot, this place, it's good for us.
But we've got to start blending in, which means you've got to stop pissing around, playing your silly little games.
Can you do that? Bloody Hell! Wahaaay! I don't think I want to tell anyone else, you know, about how I dress up as an egg.
Yeah, it's probably a good idea.
But if you do, just make sure you put it in context, eh? Thank you for being so ace.
Get a room! Come on, Denise, put him down.
Tonight's all about girl power! Hey, bit of class this, isn't it? We should get one for the business.
Good idea, yeah.
No, I'm serious.
We'll discuss it on Monday.
I can't believe we're getting turfed out of our own house on a Saturday.
Oh, give them some space.
They haven't seen each other for weeks.
Hi.
Oh Gary, you almost gave me a heart attack! Ella! Ella, you've got another one! All right? Gary! Alex, this is Gary, he lives over the road.
Hello, mate.
Check you with your handshake! You can tell he went to public school.
Beer? Yeah, sure.
Gary's not usually a big drinker, are you, Gary? Yes, I am.
Here, remember that time me and you raided your Dad's drinks cabinet? Yes! We were like 12 or something! We didn't really know what we were doing! We were just pouring loads of different things into a pint glass! You had one sip, spat it out and dropped it right on the rug! We thought we'd get away with just turning it over! Then topping all the bottles up with apple juice! That's so funny! Bleeding hell Like being back in the womb.
I don't remember them having this on tap the last time I were there.
Didn't you get my text? What text? Funny bloody place to meet this.
A car park? I know.
It feels like we're about to do some dodgy deal or something.
I wish you'd all just trust me.
I've got something in store for me dad that'll literally blow his mind.
Is it.
.
? And, no, it's not a stripper.
Not a stripper? I don't understand.
I thought this was a stag do.
Ah! Here's the boss man himself! All will become clear.
Now then, what we all doing here? Are we getting a mini-bus? We don't need roads where we're going, Dad.
Well, erm Where are we going? Yee-Ha! Oh a banner.
Right.
Nice one, son.
He doesn't suspect a thing.
I'm not sure I do, mate.
So, Charlie I bet you weren't expecting erm .
.
all this? No.
No, I wasn't.
Three pints please, Bianca.
Hey, better pace yourself, Dad.
The night's still young! Oh, yeah right.
Actually, I should come down to the Uni, too, I was thinking of applying there.
You should come, too.
I can't.
I've got footie practice first thing.
I'm in a local league.
Alex is in Barnet Reserves.
Yeah, though you wouldn't catch me training first thing on a morning, I can tell you.
I suppose it's not much training in rugby.
It's more about Brute strength? No, I was going to say I don't know what I was going to say.
Oh, come on, let's all go out somewhere.
There's this local round the corner, it's tragic, you've got to see it.
We can't go there.
My stepmum works there - she knows how old we are.
Chill out.
Alex is 18.
Minors accompanied by an adult.
Yeah, no problem, mate.
I'll sort you out.
Hi.
Hi, Dan.
Hey.
I didn't know the stag-do was in here.
Oh, aye, it's all go! Been away, got back early this morning.
Sorry we had to bow out.
Neither of us got much kip last night.
So we just popped in for a couple, then we're off home.
Surely you can stay for a bit? Oh, no.
I wouldn't make much of a stag, I'm afraid.
Nonsense.
I'll make you an honorary member.
You can even where my hat, if you like.
Well, I suppose we could.
All right, isn't it, Dan? Of course it is.
Well, I'll get a round in then.
Good lad.
Come on, budge up, let the lady in.
You come and sit with us, lass.
There you go.
Scratch yourself, spit and belch every once in a while and no-one will know any difference.
# Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey # The one that I want You are the one I want # Ooh ooh ooh, honey The one that I want # You are the one I want Ooh ooh ooh # The one I need # The one I need Oh, yes, indeed It's all right, auntie Margaret.
It's all right.
Oh, dear! Hello? Hello? What's happened? It's like one of those horrible-films, where the car breaks down on the country road and the driver vanishes? Oh, don't be daft.
Arg! Will you shut up? Sorry, ladies, engine's blown.
Charlie seems to be enjoying himself now he's had a few.
Wait till you see him in five minutes time.
So, err you and Tanya? There is no me and Tanya.
It's sorted.
Bradley knows.
We've talked it out.
He knows? Came round to see me.
Bloody hell.
I bet you shit yourself.
I did not shit myself.
Nothing happened, he knows nothing happened.
He's fine.
And Lisa? I don't know.
I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry about the other day.
I know your head was all over the place, and then you ring me and all I do is brush you off.
Forget it.
You were busy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I shouldn't have been and I'm done with that shit now.
It's not worth it.
Got too much to lose.
My mates business Amber.
You know I reckon she could be the one.
Hmm.
Good for you.
They're here! What? Quick! Quick! Back to the table.
You all doubted me, didn't you? Dad, did you seriously think all I was going to do for your stag night was bring you down here? You know what I mean.
I was the one who said NOT to bring him here.
And I was the one that said you should get a stripper.
Oh, I said that, too.
Stripper? Have you ordered a stripper? Shut up about strippers! Dad I want you to look over towards that door because this is what tonight has really all been about.
Oh.
You invited Gary and Ella.
No, not them! What? That other lad then? I hope he's not the stripper.
Just watch! Hey! Hey! Stevie, lads come here! Who are they? Dad's old band.
No good.
It's shagged.
I'm going to have to call breakdown.
How long's that going to take? No idea.
I'm sorry.
Bugger this for a game of soldiers.
Come on, pub's only down the road.
Pauline, what about the wine bar? All your mates are going to be there.
Long as I end the night pissed, who cares where I am or who I'm with? Come on! Your round I think, mate.
Here he comes.
You all right, cock? Can I have three bottles of beer, please, Bianca? I'm with him over there, he's 18.
Is he? He looks about 20.
He does not.
He should really come and order them himself.
I don't want to get into trouble.
Look, here.
So, he a friend of yours, is he? Ella's from back home.
Oh, I see.
Not really her type.
I wouldn't worry about it.
What makes you think he's not her type? Because I've met a lot of Ellas in my time and I'm telling you now that they don't go for the meat-headed jock type.
You see, girls pick brains and sensitivity over brawn any day of the week.
And boys think they don't because they expect them to be as shallow as us.
How do you know? Because the blubbering little shits are always coming to me after service like I'm some sort of bloody relationship counsellor.
And because, believe it or not, I was young once too.
Right.
So, you were fighting them off when you were my age, were you? Oh, quite the contrary.
I just told you, they picked brains over brawn.
Curse this physique of mine - it's always been my cross to bear.
Thanks.
Are we OK? I don't want things to be awkward.
Neither do I.
I just want to forget the whole thing.
So, it's forgotten.
Not that easy, is it? Maybe for you two it is, but for me and Lisa She knows? What are they doing here?! Oh, my God, the gang's all here.
Come here.
Give us a big kiss.
All right, Lisa? I thought you lot were off to a wine bar.
Er the car broke down.
I'm tired.
We did say that we'd just stay for a few.
Yeah.
We might just head off.
Thanks, Dan.
Lisa.
See you later.
Having a fun night with the boys, was she? You two off then? Early start.
You've got that lovely Beemer, haven't you? Oh, yes, I bought it for Tanya.
Piggin hell.
You landed on your feet with this one.
About to marry mine for the second time in 40 years - he's never once bought us a car.
I'm lucky if I can get bus-fare off him.
You can't drive.
I can drive.
Not legally.
Hey, if we only did what was legal, we wouldn't have much fun, would we? He knows.
He what? She told him, just like I told you, because we both knew the whole thing was just a stupid mistake and he's willing to put it behind him.
I doubt it's his first time.
Please, Lisa, whatever you need me to say, whatever you need me to do, just tell me.
Tell me how I can make this right - whatever you need.
Time, Dan.
Come on, hens, paws off your stags.
This is still our night, you know.
Come on! And you, Bianca, let's be having you.
Can I? Go on then.
I'm so glad I wore pink! Oh, sorry! This is Terry, Roger, Badger-Man, Greg and Phil.
Boys, this is Mumblehedge.
Mumblehedge? Something wrong with the name? Err no.
Better than Phil.
Is everything all right, Dan? I hope so, Baz.
Listen, mate, I'm going to scoot off.
I'm driving so Cheers for coming.
No worries.
Give us a bell tomorrow if you fancy a lunch timer.
I will, ta.
Must have taken some sorting, that.
Oh, you've no idea.
I only had me Dad's badly scrawled address book to go on.
Scattered up and down the country, this lot.
I reckon, if someone can fix that, they can fix anything.
So, when was the last time you were all together? Week last Tuesday, wasn't it? Last Tuesday? A week last Tuesday.
We usually meet up every few month.
But I thought you hadn't seen each other for years! What made you think that? Because Because this was meant to be your big surprise! Oh.
Ah, surprises mean nowt.
All my best mates, down the local, having a drink.
What more could a man want? Hey Best stag-do ever, son.
Cheers.
Cheers.
What's going on there? Oh, my God! Have you done this? Hey! How come they get a stripper? Oh, don't mind me.
Go get a ringside seat, if you like.
Naaaa.
Maybe a quick look.
You mean, he's? Oh, did I forget to mention that? Not a problem, is it? No.
No, of course not.
Come on, lads.
I've had a word with the gaffer - we're on.
On? You didn't think we'd brought these just for decoration, did you? Mumblehedge ride again.
Two, three, four.
# Baby, baby, baby # So you think I got an evil mind # Well, I tell you, honey # I don't know why And I don't know why Come on, let's have a dance, love.
Come on, eh? # So you think my singin's out of time # Well, it makes me money # And I don't know why # And I don't know why any more # Oh, no # So, come on, feel the noise # Girls, grab the boys # We get wild, wild, wild # We get wild, wild, wild # So, come on, feel the noise # Girls, grab the boys We get wild, wild, wild at your door Carol says, if I go along and charm them, this could be the thing that breaks me.
Makes you, even.
Greg, what are you doing? Nothing.
Where are you going, then? Just a bit of business.
Lisa, please Not now, Tanya, if you don't mind.
I just want to talk to you, please.
We are gathered here to witness the drawing together of Pauline and Charlie in holy matrimony.
As soon as this wedding is done with I'll be gone.