My Family (2000) s03e07 Episode Script

Hm.
(Hums) Oh, yeah.
- Mum said you want to talk.
- No.
Your mother wants us to talk.
I'm just the middle man.
- How d'you deal with the control freak? - Blind submission.
- Saves time.
- That's pathetic.
I know.
It's called growing up.
So, Mikey Mikey.
Seeing anyone special? - Oh, God! - It's not that bad.
I ask questions, you lie through your teeth.
Well, promise not to tell Mum.
I won't even listen.
All right? - OK.
Bex is nice.
- Mm-hm.
- And Sophie.
- Mm.
But the one who's really, you know, is Miss Kelly, my maths teacher.
It'll never go beyond the way our bodies touch when we pass in the corridor, or the way she leans over me to correct my homework with her top buttons undone.
- Ouch! - And nothing on underneath.
Except on the days when she's wearing something lacy and sheer.
And very, very low cut.
Ow.
Michael, I think you'd better stop now, OK? - Before I bleed to death.
- OK.
Bye.
Have we got any fruity puffs? - You don't want anything nutritious? - Uh-uh.
You really need to get new contact lenses.
No, this is perfect.
Well, I'm not giving you the milk.
Susan, it's art.
This table is my canvas and these objects are placed to convey the message of my work.
I call it Kitchen Table With Cereal.
Funny.
I call it Strange Girl With Problems.
Ah! A collage.
What happened to you? Do you know Michael's maths teacher? - Miss Kelly? Amazing woman.
- Really? Why? I mean, still teaching at 82.
I'm busy after school.
Don't wait up.
- Won't you be home for dinner? - Not if I can help it.
Hold on.
Oi.
82 years old? You said I should lie through my teeth.
My God, somebody actually listens to me! Wait.
Why so late? Going over to Bex's house.
To study.
Wouldn't you say Bex is a little How can I put this politely? fast and slutty? Yeah! Ben! Yeah.
Have fun! Be home by tomorrow.
Touch that again and die! - Be home by nine.
PM.
- Oh No, Michael, there's plenty of time to study.
Oh, yeah.
That's my boy! Fancy encouraging him.
She's not good enough for him.
Come on.
All mothers feel that way about anyone their sons go out with.
Bex is boorish, wild and her skirts are too short.
My mother said the same thing about Bex, had they met.
Which they didn't, cos my mum Yes, OK.
- Come on.
- It's OK for me to be in your room? My parents aren't home.
They're not home like they're not home? Or they're not home like they're not home? What do you think? Be right back.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
- I was checking the label.
- What? Very good quality.
Nice material.
I'm gonna stop talking now.
So do you wanna do something? More than anything in my entire life.
Me, too.
Let's smoke.
Ex cuse me? I got it from Vicky, who got it from her friend.
- It's supposed to be great stuff.
- Ah! You do smoke? Me? Are you kidding? I'm trying to cut back.
It's very chilled.
Yeah, I was getting too chilled.
Brrr! Do you have a match? Wouldn't you know? I left them in my other trousers.
- I think I've got some.
- Some trousers? No.
Matches.
(Door opens) - What are you doing? - You're home.
- I am so disappointed.
- Believe me, so am I.
And who are you? - I'm me.
- He's a friend.
Right.
Robbie William Sun derland.
Don't you think you should leave, Robbie William Sunderland? Right.
Bye.
I just want you to know nothing happened.
(Ben gargling) (Coughs, clears throat) Whoo! Interesting meal tonight, Susan.
I never knew sea urchins were that versatile.
Ah, yes! Ooh Best part of the day.
Apart from the morning pee, of course.
Although that's getting harder, you know.
I used to stream like the fountain of Trevi but now I just stand there and let gravity do the work.
Oh, dear.
Is the romance going out of our marriage, do you think? - What's wrong? - Nothing.
Good.
You know, in the mornings I find that if I just rest my head against the wall and lean over, I don't even have to be awake to pee.
It's amazing.
Just happens.
Not bad, eh? - We have to talk.
- I thought we were.
A light-hearted description of impending incontinence is not what I consider conversation.
That's a shame, cos as we stagger towards the sunset of our years, these'll be the fun talks.
No matter how depressed I am, you still have the power to depress me further.
Anything worth doing is worth doing well.
Aren't you going to ask why I'm upset? Nope.
You're only gonna tell me anyway.
(Mouths) - It's Michael.
- I thought you'd get to five seconds.
It's not funny and it can't wait.
Cool? - I found it in Michael's drawer.
- Not cool.
That Bex has corrupted our baby.
First of all, Susan, Michael is not a baby.
I'm not infantilising him.
I'm simply pointing out that he's only 186 months old.
In other words, he's 15.
Oh, and to you, 15's a man.
Macho man and his macho son.
Why not teach him to set fire to his farts and belch God Save The Queen? Have you been smoking that? It's true and you know it.
The way you smirked like a caveman instead of forbidding him to see that girl, like a normal father.
- Or hysterical mother? - I beg your I mean it, Susan.
This is said with great love and no small amount of fear.
But you have to separate the Michael issue from the issue of your not wanting him to grow up.
No, from the issue that you're a horse's arse.
Susan, where are you going? To give him a piece of my mind.
You've lost enough of it already.
Which means let me talk to him.
- You? - Yeah.
Let's at least let him grow some goolies before you lop 'em off.
- Nice evening? - Fine.
Cool.
Good.
Great.
- Well, I talked to him.
- You're lying.
Yeah.
We're just like our parents, aren't we? Hypocritical old farts.
I know.
I really thought we'd be different.
More accepting.
No, not me.
I always knew I'd be an old fart.
Of course, we could go about this differently.
- Mm? - Nothing in life is that black or white.
You want to smoke that, don't you? It's not about me.
I'm just saying it might be an interesting approach.
A little more openness.
Acceptance.
Like accepting his girlfriend? - I'm not talking about that tart.
- She's 15.
Fine.
The tartlet.
I'm just saying that instead of lecturing him and chasing him away, we could tell him that if he's going to experiment, he should do it at home.
- Under parental supervision.
- Exactly.
And we shouldn't let Michael experiment with something unless we're willing to try it ourselves.
For safety's sake.
Su Sa - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - I generally try not to.
But in this case, if you're thinking what I'm thinking - (Laughing) - It's true! I swear it! You are so far beyond wrong.
Here's wrong.
And that's you way, way over there.
- Wanna bet? L5.
- OK.
The words Jimi Hendrix actually sings is "Excuse me while I kiss 'the sky"'.
Not "while I kiss 'this guy"'.
Jimi Hendrix didn't kiss guys, as far as I know.
He couldn't kiss the sky, either.
It's Jimi Hendrix, not Jimi Giraffe.
(Laughs hysterically) (Laughs hysterically) - I'm hungry.
Aren't you hungry? - Yes! Wow! Wow.
You ever wondered, if we didn't have five fingers, we'd actually just have four? Ooh.
What's this? Sea-urchin souffle.
I mean, who the hell does the cooking around here? You do! Yeah Yeah! - Ice cream! - Yeah! Yeah.
It's not here! I just bought some today.
I ate it.
- The whole thing? - Yeah.
- Cheese! - Yeah! No, I ate that, too.
- All of it? - Yeah.
I left you the urchins.
- The cupboard is bare.
- (Whistles) Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
An egg.
A single egg.
- Which we're going to share.
- Like the cheese? Oh, Susan don't you love me no mo? Oh of course, sweetheart.
Of course I do.
(Muffled) Oh, baby Whoa! What are you doing? That is a work of art! A few more minutes and it would've been.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
- Let me see your eyes.
- No.
Why? I ink they shey owes ney.
My God, my hearing's gone backwards! - Are you stoned? - Us? No! No.
What kind of example are you setting for the kids? We got it from Michael.
I mean me! I'm not as worldly and sophisticated as people think.
People don't think you're worldly and sophisticated.
No, I'm amazed you can tie your own laces.
Look.
Maybe you haven't got the message.
But this is your brain.
And this is your brain on drugs! That was our dinner.
She's killed our brain.
Ben.
- Ben, wake up.
- Oh Not again, Susan, please.
- Shut up.
- I'm only human.
This is important.
- We've done wrong.
- Done wrong? - Yes.
- Well, it worked for me.
No.
No, that doesn't work for me.
- We have totally screwed up.
- Huh? What? - Look at this.
- Oh, no more, Susan, please.
No! No.
Oh, stop it.
Susan! What happened to the fun, laid-back Susan of an hour ago? Stop living in the past.
How can we confront Michael with this? It's half gone.
Don't make a joke.
This is no laughing matter.
Without the evidence, we have no case.
What? You're not Rumpole Of The Bailey.
- It's all your fault.
- My f - You know it is.
- You're the one playing Susie Sunshine.
You're the one who got me pregnant with him.
It's down to your lusts.
There's no way I'm gonna win this one, is there? Of course not.
Help me think.
- What if? - I've thought of that.
- How about? - Won't work.
- I've got it! - I'm glad I could help! Turmeric.
Cardamom.
Your spice rack's kinda scary, Susan.
- Anise.
Eye of newt.
- Just find the oregano.
What's this one, without a label? - Mystery spices.
- But what is it? If I'd remembered, I'd call it something else.
Keep looking.
Good God! Sell by August 1986.
- Don't! - When will you use ancient parsley? - In an emergency.
- In case of a parsley shortage(!) For the Great Parsley Famine of '91, yes, of course.
Thank God for that emergency garnish.
- Just give it here.
- Susan, it's turned brown.
Perfect.
- What does that look like? - The onset of menopause? No, marijuana.
We take a cigarette, empty the tobacco, fill it with this and voila.
Wow.
Where'd you learn that? The WI.
Now just give me a cigarette.
Ah-ha-ha! - What? - Don't smoke, do I? Two and a half years, tobacco-free.
Ben, you know you smoke, I know you smoke.
The kids know.
The neighbours know.
Your patients know.
Blind Mrs Lally, who lives with the 17 cats - OK.
Your point being? - Stop being a hypocrite.
Oh! Right, right.
Stop being a hypocrite.
While we run around and lie to our son.
Exactly.
Filter, non-filter? King size, medium size? - Whatever's on hand.
- They all are.
- Ben, you disappoint me.
- What? That I'm still hooked and lie about it? No, because you confessed so fast.
Let's see if I remember how to do this.
You won't remember, Susan.
Come on! It was the '60s.
And if you do remember, you weren't there.
Muscle memory.
- Put it in Michael's drawer.
- No way.
I'm not gonna plant evidence on him.
You're not planting evidence, you're simply replacing it.
No.
That's entrapment.
If he didn't want us to find it, he wouldn't have hidden it there.
- Should he hide it up his ar? - You always miss the point.
If we don't put it back, we can't confront him with it.
I'm sorry, Susan, but as a father there are lines I will not cross.
I may not like my children, but I will not lie to them.
"Yes, yes, Mikey, Mikey, my old boy! "Your old father gave up cigarettes two and half years ago.
" No, that's not lying, that's protecting.
That's exactly what I'm trying to do with this.
God - I hate you.
- Isn't parenthood fun? Mm.
Oh, I give up! - (Kicks something) - Oh Jesu (Weakly) Agh! What are you doing in my room? Michael I'm afraid I'm gonna have to tell you the truth.
Your mother's started smoking cigarettes again.
I'm trying to find where she's been hiding them.
- Well, they're not in here.
- Oh, good.
Did you put it back? I lied.
I demeaned myself.
I made myself look like a total arse, and all to stitch up my son.
Good.
And I almost broke my foot getting to his desk.
- Desk? Why his desk? - You said to put it in his drawer.
Not his desk drawer.
He hides his magazines and his diary there.
The really secret stuff, he rolls up in his socks.
Excuse me for missing that day at Ml5(!) To trap a teenager, you've gotta become a teenager.
OK.
"Shut up and leave me alone!" All right, I'm going.
Back so soon? What are you doing? Oh, you know, learning how to juggle.
Just can't stop.
I think Mum sent you in to go through my stuff.
Michael, did Bex give you this? I'm not saying anything.
Look, I want this conversation less than you do.
- Drugs are bad.
- Worse than cigarettes? I gave those up.
That's not the point.
Drugs are bad.
They're addictive.
- Like cigarettes.
- No.
Worse.
Drugs alter the sense of who you are.
- While cigarettes merely kill you.
- Trust me on this, Michael, OK? Drugs impede your judgment.
They make you think bad jokes are funny.
And they they - Cause short-term memory loss? - Don't be clever.
- You were gonna say that.
- No.
I was gonna say nobody likes a smart-arse.
(Sighs) Look Dad, if we're gonna have this conversation all the booklets on talking to kids about drugs say this you're gonna have to be prepared to be honest.
Wow.
There are there are booklets? - Uh-huh.
- Can you lend me one? - Being honest is not difficult.
- You wait.
You're young.
This is an important step for both of us in the bonding process.
So let's try to get it right.
OK - Take a couple of these.
Stand up.
- What? What? Just relax.
- Toss one over.
- Right.
Wh Oh, I see.
Yeah.
Oh, ho-ho.
Oh, very good.
You're very clever.
You know that, don't you? Yes, I do.
It's a survival skill in a world gone mad.
If you smoke dope, you'll lose that cleverness.
You won't know you've lost it but you will.
Have you ever done drugs? - What? Me? - Uh-huh.
- Erm, ever in my life? - Yeah.
No.
Well, not in any heavy "The wallpaper is alive and wants to eat me" way.
- So you did do it.
- It was the '60s.
Everybody did it.
- You caved in to peer pressure.
- Because I was stoned.
Frankly, I'm very disappointed in you.
- Because of that? - No.
In general.
Look, Dad, I've never done drugs.
Never have and never will.
- I'm meant to believe that? - I'm gonna be a Tory prime minister.
I don't need any hippy baggage in my past.
- What were you doing in her house? - I went for illicit sex, not drugs.
- You are a Tory.
- Thank you.
So all this was for nothing? No, it wasn't.
You learnt how to juggle.
Yeah.
Come here.
First give me back what you took.
- What? - Well, I have to give it back.
- If I don't, I'll look like a prat.
- You're a Harper, get used to it.
No, Dad, I mean it.
Bex is so beautiful she makes my teeth hurt.
I swear I won't smoke it.
But I can't just say "Ooh, Mummy and Daddy took it from me.
" It's too embarrassing.
Ooh, Mikey, Mikey.
Your mother's gonna kill me.
Don't worry, Dad.
Bex is worth it.
Oh, that's a relief(!) Yeah.
- You did what?! - He told me to trust him.
I say don't leave your pants on the floor.
I'll stop him.
- No, Susan.
No.
- No? Delivering drugs makes him a drug dealer.
No.
It makes him a parsley delivery boy.
- I've got your stuff.
- What? - Your stuff.
- What are you doing? Look.
Drugs You might not notice it now, but trust me, they really make you stupid when you get older.
What are you doing? I've got a career in politics.
OK? - You're really giving it up? - Vicky's friend was ripped off.
It's not weed.
It's a stupid mix of cinnamon twigs, pepper and oregano.
No one could possibly get high off that.
That's the best I've ever had.
I'm completely wrecked.
Mmm.
Me, too.
Cool.
I mean, we couldn't leave it lying around the house.
No.
The things you do for your kids, eh? Do you smell cinnamon?