My Name is Earl s03e07 Episode Script

Season 3- Episodes 7 and 8 Our Other Cops is On! Life as a prison guard was tough on Randy.
Good luck.
Especially when it was time for him to turn off the tv.
Sorry, everyone.
Time's up.
Hey, guys.
If you learn to follow the rules in here, like, "no tv after 8:00", it'll be easier to follow the rules when you get out, like "no murdering people".
All right, who's got the knob? I see it in your hand, Joey.
I guess we get to watch tv all night.
Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Oh, my God! Our other Cops is on.
Welcome back to Camden.
I'm Officer Stuart Daniels.
I'm in charge this week because the Captain, my mom, is fighting a difficult battle with a flesh-eating bacteria.
Lost her nose.
It's an important week.
It's our first Independence Day since the September 11th 9-11 attacks.
Raffle tickets sponsored by Bargain Bag! Win a bus trip to Ground Zero.
See firsthand what Saddam Hussein did to our country.
Raffle tickets! America rocks! Get your Bin Laden toilet paper! Give Osama a dose of your morning shock and awe! This is a new addition this year.
Hey, Osama, I hope you're watching Cops.
It doesn't matter, that's just a guy in a mask.
The real one will be caught in a month.
Check it! Score one for the good guys.
I'm Officer Jeff Hoyne.
I grew up here in Camden, so did my twin brother and my twin sister.
He's in the appliance business, and she manages the Big Gals shop at the mall.
I worry about them, cause both locations could be high priorities for terrorists.
I mean, after all, what's more american than appliances and obese women? Hold on! Hold on now! Officer, she's crazy.
You got to do something.
You got to do something, like provide for me.
I'm the queen, you are the worker bee.
Your job is to feed me, do me and die.
Ma'am! Ma'am! I don't blame you, but you have to put the weed whacker down.
- Now, who called 911? - It's me.
- What are you, iraqi? - I'm sikh.
- I hope you feel better.
- I feel fine.
- She destroyed my beautiful garden.
- Hey, look, Joy, Cops is back.
Bad boys, bad boys, what's it gonna be? What's it gonna be when they be from me? Cops? Wait.
Oh, hey Kevin! Wha now, don't be scared.
I'm sorry I hit you with that brick last time you guys were in town.
Stop chasing me, Kevin! Come on, man, be cool.
I'm not messing around, Kevin.
You made me do it, Kevin! Okay, somebody needs to tell me exactly what the problem is.
I'll tell you what the problem is.
I sent this doofus to the fair to find a way to make us some money, and he ends up spending the only cash we have left on some stupid toaster.
I bought a patriotic sandwich-maker because I love America and hot sandwiches, and she attacks me with a weed whacker.
It's the all-american sandwich press.
It burns an american flag into any food item.
"French toast? "Not anymore.
" It don't even make sandwiches! It just decorates them.
I mean, what's next? You gonna buy a dress for a watermelon? - Put the weed whacker down.
- Oh, you want it down? Is that low enough? I need you to take your lazy butt back to the fair and make me some money.
Sometimes it's best just to let them work these things out themselves.
Crazy ho! Oh, I'll show you a crazy ho! Without a weapon in her hand, he should be all right.
- Come here.
Who's the crazy ho, now? - That's sharp, Joy! - Who is it, huh? - Put it down, Joy! It's bad enough we have no customers today because it's a holiday and everybody's with their stupid families, but then this drunk guy gets up and he kicks us off the stage.
Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry When I take you out in the surrey When I take you out in the surrey with the fringe on top.
Oklahoma what a treat.
Usually when Mr.
Stack gets drunk and forces his way onto a stage, he does My Fair Lady.
All the wheels are yeller, the upholstery's brown, the dashboard's genuine leather, with ice in glass Get off the stage, whore! This is my time.
Excuse me, Mr.
Stack.
Take a bow, Mr.
Stack.
It's time to go.
Gee, Laurey, you're just in time for the dream ballet.
Picking up a guy who won a ride along with a cop at a silent auction.
He must really want to see an end to leukemia, because he went crazy on the bidding.
Hi, Stuart.
Oh, I see they're back.
Yeah.
Cops is doing another episode.
You ready? Hold on! Nobody's leaving the scene of this crime without a picture.
Dad Kenny never went to his prom, so this picture will take its place.
- Mother! - Don't worry, Kenny.
Most guys who get shot down in high school turn out to be big studs or gay.
Right, stud? Say, "book 'em.
" Book 'em.
Be careful out there.
Oddly enough, if you add a retainer and a dress, you'd look a lot like my prom date.
Be careful.
I might get you drunk and try to dry hump you later.
We're heading over to the cotton candy booth.
It's a hot spot for trouble.
- Randy, calm down.
- I can't see.
It's in my eyes! How did this happen? He was watching that man make cotton candy, got dizzy and fell in.
Well, lucky he's still alive.
I think I heard a Kennedy died this way.
Hey, buddy! Calm down there.
He can't hear you, he's got cotton candy in his ears.
You got to keep an eye out on these Hickey boys.
The big one's an idiot.
The other one's got a wife who's always bugging him to steal stuff.
We got a manila folder on them down at the station.
No, no, just stay still, big fella.
Stay still.
Free cotton candy! In law enforcement, we call cotton candy "the deadliest snack".
Vultures.
We got a problem over at the "hang on a hardbody" contest.
Come on, Kenny, let's roll! Hey, quiet down, quiet down.
Patty This is supposed to be a contest to win a truck, where is it? Well, the car dealership backed out, because last year the winner had been up for three days, fell asleep driving home and plowed through a marching band.
Anyway, since the money's going to the firemen, I donated my hard body.
Winner gets me for an hour, full menu.
- But no asphyxiation! - The little guy is cheating.
Why "little guy"? Why can't I be "the guy with the red shirt"? Fine, the guy in the little red shirt's a cheater.
- He glued his hand to Patty.
- Hickey, aren't you married anyway? I'm doing this for my wife.
I'm going to sell the hour with Patty with the giant teddy bear Randy won.
I hit the balloon guy in the eye with a dart.
He said he didn't care what prize I took.
Are they allowed to use glue? What are the rules? Rules? There are no rules.
I was supposed to be a jeep.
I want glue, too! Fine, have some glue.
That's mine! I got it.
Hands off! Hands off! Son of a bitch.
All right, problem solved.
Good luck to the rest of you.
You know what'd be hilarious? We should see how long we can keep our hands on each other.
Kidding.
This is the safest spot on the fairground, really.
It's where we keep all our important stuff Fireworks.
And homeland security sent us equipment to protect us against attack.
For example, this is a surface-to-surface urban combat transport vehicle.
You may know it as a "scooter.
" We got a call about someone being held in a bathroom.
My mother used to lock us in the john when one of my "uncles" came to visit.
Mom was a cheater.
It affected my relationships with women.
Don't trust them at all.
Here we are.
Thanks for coming.
My grandmom's having a dustup with my girl on account of her being married.
- It's Cops.
Damn! - Let me out of here, you crazy old bat! Repent, child of Lucifer.
I can't reason with her when she has iron in her hand and Jesus in her ear.
I said repent, you cheating white bitch.
I'm going to have to ask you to let the white bitch out of the bathroom.
Who the hell is that? Burn, harlot.
You burnt my new eyelashes! Give me the curling iron.
Oh, I'll give you the curling iron.
God! We got a runner.
Our grandmom was in the 1936 Berlin Olympics.
Man, Hitler hated her.
I hate her, too.
Crazy old bat thinks I'm cheating.
I just came here to by a nickel bag for my sweet husband, you know, to celebrate the Fourth of July.
She means a bag of nickels.
So, the hostage was freed.
I burned my face a little.
I chased the perp for a while, but she was quick.
You know, my father had a saying and I never understood until now.
"Never get in a foot race with an old black lady.
" We're responding to a child endangerment call.
Probably an underage dancer.
Unfortunately, sometimes runaways end up in seedy places like this.
Ma'am, will you and your baby step off the stage? Officer, it's not mine.
I'm baby-sitting.
Take it off! Take the baby off! We got a call that a lamb was taken from the petting zoo.
That means there down to a german shepard and those worms.
We spotted two characters who appear to be walking some blankets.
Crap, it's Earl again.
If you shoot him, I'll lie and say he lunged for your weapon and would've killed us all.
I appreciate that.
You'd make a good cop, Ken.
- Come on, IQ-Ball.
- Iqball! Whatever.
Look, my wife's gonna kill me if I don't come home with some money.
You can eat it, ride it, hump it, I don't care.
Hello, Officer.
Happy Fourth of July.
Don't you agree? You guys didn't happen to see a lamb around here, did you? What's this? It's my dog.
It's a sheep dog.
Uh, most of it's on the sheep side.
Shoot him! Shoot to kill! You can't encourage me to shoot cause in the heat, the gun could just Move along! Everything's fine! I had to put down a rabid lamb.
It was rabid.
- Can I have it? - Take it.
Take it fast.
I was in New York on September 11th not 2001, it was '82 or '83.
High school class field trip, but still pretty eerie.
Hey, check that out.
- Speed it up.
- Hey, guys.
Looking good! It's nice to see someone else who cares about the environment.
Keep it green! We're responding to a 10-66.
That's a domestic intruder.
I came home, and there were two men in my trailer! Two of them and three of us? I don't like those numbers.
Freeze! Freeze! It's okay.
We're Americans.
Give me a break, man.
I come back from the fair with apparently not enough money, and the wife locks me out of my house.
I pee out here all the time, but I'm not gonna poo.
Our kids play in this yard.
You're allowed to use the bathroom in other people's trailers.
You need to cool it, magic genie! Joy, come out and tell this guy you locked me out of the house! You're not really going to arrest me? I'm the victim here.
Don't you think having a crazy wife who locks you out of the house for no reason is punishment enough? Sometimes she just seems to hate guys, you know? Women You married? Not anymore.
Lucky you.
She passed away.
Sweet.
No alimony.
I'm dropping these guys off at the fair.
I probably should arrest them but it's the Fourth of July and they seem like pretty nice guys.
Guys, guys! I had a hep c tranny back there.
You don't want to touch that glass.
Okay, so we are looking for the parents of this little blonde-haired, blue-eyed, eight-year-old boy.
- Anybody? - I'll take him.
There you go.
You guys work that out.
Okay, I'd like to introduce Officer Stuart Daniels who is going to give us a demonstration on our new anti-terrorism equipment.
Hello, residents of Camden! Sorry.
I'm not used to speaking to the public, just arresting them.
We have a great two-hour show for you.
We are going to bring out over $50,000 worth of high-tech surveillance equipment.
It was supposed to go to Camden, New Jersey, but it came here.
And in the post-9-11 America, it's every town for itself! We have thermal cameras.
We have helmet cameras.
We have this digital fibroscope which bends so you can find contraband that's hidden in the walls and such.
Back at the station, we found, like, 5 ping-pong balls out from under the soda machine.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
All right, to start this demonstration, we're going to have some t-shirts! Who wants a free t-shirt? Oh, crap.
I had it set on stadium.
What is the problem here, ladies? The problem is, Officer, that this perra stole my regular.
All right, let's hear Perra's side of the story.
He's my regular now.
You weren't around.
A man's got needs, and I got everything he need right here.
What's your side of the story, sir? I don't know why they're fighting.
They have both sat on my lap.
They are both now my wives.
Just because a girl sits on your lap doesn't mean you're married to her.
You shouldn't even be sitting on his lap.
You'll break his legs.
I'm calling you fat.
Oh, no, you should not have explained that.
Wives! Wives! I have enough seat for the both of you.
The skinny one, I will lay with you for pleasure.
The thick one, you will birth my sons.
See? He called you "thick".
Hold on.
Let see where this goes.
Gentlemen, there's a cat fight at the pool table! It's gone.
$50,000 worth of equipment, gone.
We're screwed.
I should have bought into that Quizno's franchise.
We can handle it, right? What did that guy at the Marriott say? Stop, he says "visualize.
" Wait.
Where are the fireworks? They took the fireworks.
The bastards stole our Fourth of July! This is crazy.
Who would want high-tech cameras, and fireworks? Fireworks could be turned into explosives.
I think we know who.
Hey, white powder.
Check it out.
That could be anthrax.
- It looks like part of a funnel cake.
- Anthrax on funnel cake? - I had like four of those today! - My fingertips are going numb! Nothing's coming.
I have an announcement to make.
First, my brother's here with his kids.
Take the kids and get out of here as fast as you can! Leave grandma, she's had a long life! Go, go, go! Pull it together, Hoyne.
There's nothing to be worried about.
We may, and I stress "may", have had a breach of security that could lead to a possible, little, bitty, Terrorist attack that could rival 9-11! My baby! My baby! Terrorists! Run for your lives! My mom's gonna kill me.
We've had a breach of security.
Cameras and fireworks were stolen by terrorists.
And as soon as we figured out how to put together this torturing device and find them, this gonna be hell the pay.
Ouch, son of a bitch! Tensions are high.
I got the camera on but I can't see anything.
- You got it backwards.
- Oh, right.
I think the camera on mine is working.
This is sweet stuff, Randy.
We're going to make fortune when we'll sell it.
Wonder what this button does.
Wow.
It turns everything into a Fruit Roll Up.
Let me see.
Cool, I think it sees heat.
Here, move my cigaret around.
Sweet! It's like a ghost dog.
I'm a ghost dog.
I'm floating around.
Earl, I'm scared.
Well, they stole our Fourth of July.
Look at this place Totally deserted.
This was the heart of our town.
It's like the terrorists kneed us in the nuts.
The nuts of our heart.
The worst part is that they took our fireworks.
God knows what they'll do with them.
I've already lived in one explosion.
I can't do it again.
She lost a leg! Am I scared? Hell yes, I'm scared.
And a little surprised.
I always thought I die at the hands of a team of juvie football players.
It really makes you think about what's important in your life.
I should start calling my mama more.
And I'm definitely going to keep my next baby.
I remember my first terrorist attack.
I was 6 years old, I hijacked the school bus filled with children of diplomats.
I was angry because they got to eat peanut butter and jelly for lunch, while we only had mud and jelly.
It looks the same but it tastes completely different.
The next day, they took away our jelly and we only had the mud.
There are no winners in terrorism.
I read the manuel on how to profile possible terrorists, but it was really confusing, so I got this at the hardware store.
I'm questionning anybody that falls between Swiss almond and Coconut husk.
No, he's all right.
Stay out of the sun, fella.
You're on the bubble.
They took our fireworks? My husband loves those fireworks.
Now, what is he gonna be doing between 8 and 10 tonight? They can't just do that.
People have made plans.
Randy, hurry.
Get in there.
Get down.
This will be hilarious.
We're outside the dinner.
When they take the trash out, Randy's going to jump out and scare the crap out of them.
The best part is he's got a camera on his helmet, so we can see their stupid faces when they scream.
Holy Moses! Hang on, buddy! I'm getting it! I got it! - Help me! - Yeah.
People are freaked, and they should be.
Everybody in the city could be dead before sundown.
Still, the charity ride along had a coupon for lunch.
This wine isn't wine.
I think it's beer with kool-aid in it.
I saw the guy roll his eyes when you ordered Merlot.
I'm pretty sure he spit in it.
You get used to it.
That kind of thing happens to cops a lot.
It's the real reason we eat so many donuts.
Hard to hide a loogie on a donut.
You know, if you'd rather, I could just make us dinner tonight.
- Or friday night.
- No, no, no.
You paid top dollars for this.
You shouldn't have to cook.
I make a great risotto.
I feel 87% sure it wasn't terrorists that stole those fireworks.
Nevertheless, I'm happy for the public misconception.
All this misguided anti-arab hysteria significantly reduce my likelyhood of being victimized by random police brutality.
I feel bad for Hispanics, though.
A lot of people think we've been living in a terror free America until now.
That's not true, I've been terrorized my all life.
When I was ten, my father forced me to play catch for a all hour without stopping.
And my mom didn't care.
She was too busy not using the pot holders I made her.
Another disturbance at Pimmit Hills.
Third one, today.
I keep saying we should just wall it off and let them police themselves, but no one listens.
Come out, you pervert.
- Come on! - All right, guys.
What's the problem? He thinks, just cause I used his bathroom, he could peep on me and my wife having a romantic hump.
You're not going to believe what we scored at the fair.
Our kids will never gonna have to steal a day in their live.
- What's going on in here? - Nothing.
Look out the new shirt! "Danger.
Educated black man.
" I bought that for Earl Jr.
Thought we could give it to him if he finishes high school.
I know what's going on You do? You're setting up a little afternoon delight for Mummy and Daddy.
Feeling hot for the provider? Well, let's see how hot, little lady You're on fire! Guess we don't have to waste anytime kissing.
If you are gonna be in the room, you have to face the wall.
- I know the rule.
- Let's get this party started, Joy.
Damn it, Randy! No peeping! - What the hell was that? - I heard it too.
Randy, I think someone is in the back of the trailer.
Let's go.
I know it's him.
I saw him running away from my trailer.
Why would I spy on her? Look at how she dresses.
I can see her elbows anytime I want.
Dude, if you like elbows, boobies are going to blow your mind.
Where did you get that helmet? I'd like an attorney, please.
Nobody move.
I want an attorney! Crap! Send all units! Officer down! Not shot just felt.
Officer up.
We saw the suspects enter this trailer.
We're going in on three.
Hey, you know what? Let's going on two.
- More of a surprise.
- Come on.
I'll use my hand as a gun.
You know what? Let's keep it to three.
Standard procedure.
It's locked.
Freeze! Hey, Kevin.
Did you knock? I'll get the bleached blond hussy! Hey, Darnell.
Why are you naked? I'm a free spirit.
Look, we got to get out of here.
How? There's cops everywhere.
Follow me.
I've had a lot of practice sneaking in and out the trailer park.
Stay close.
But not too close.
Remember that I'm naked and whatnot.
I'm on my way to the trailer park, * some terrorists.
Technically, I should pull myself over, cause I'm driving with an open container.
An open container I won't pass.
Thank you, sir.
I got him from here.
Somebody help me Dear mom today I call the wrong girl a hussy.
Terrorist! Well, looks like the bad guys have been apprehended.
These cops are amazing, the way they're so in control.
Maybe later, we'll all relax a little.
And go to a strip club, look at some female breasts, and pour in some shots, maybe do some Apple Martinis.
Then race for pink slips, like Danny Zucco in Grease.
I haven't seen the country this broken since Vietnam.
My son and I passed through there on a sex tour in the lately 80's.
The Vietnames are beautiful and flexible people.
Can one of you guys give me a ride home? I drove my car into a quarry.
We're going to take them into the tent for a little bit of questionning.
In the old days, we'd just book him and read him his rights, but it's a 9-11 world.
Terrorist got a booboo? I am innocent.
I don't want to go down with him.
Hey, can I play bargain? I know who kidnapped the mayor's daughter.
I swear, I'm not a terrorist, I'm American.
I drive a Chevy.
We know you're hiding the truth, somewhere deep inside you.
And this little camera, is going to help us find it.
All right, I did it, I'm a terrorist.
Get it out of me! The suspect caved almost immediately.
You know, sometimes, police work is challenging.
Sometimes, it's rewarding.
Sometimes, it's just gross.
They beat a confession out of you already? More like into me.
Oh, snap.
Well, now you know why I confessed to all that stuff on our anniversary.
Mom, we caught the terrorist.
Yeah, I know you don't have a lot of weekday minutes left.
I'm going to have to call you back.
No, nothing bad happened.
My girlfriend's on the other line.
Maybe I do have a girlfriend! Mom, why can't things be easier between us? I saw a cop car with the keys and I had to steal it.
It's like when a horse puts on a saddle, it wants you to ride it.
All I did was run from a cop today.
I wasn't even in that much trouble.
Well, I also told them you were planning to blow up the Camden Shoe Pavilion.
What? That's crazy.
I love that place.
That's were I get my irregular jellies.
Torture hurts, Joy.
I also told them my mom shot Abe Lincoln.
You betrayed me.
Just remember this moment if you ever find out I betrayed you.
I haven't, but now I can.
Look, I'll make it up to you.
We'll go to Canada and start a new life.
You love Michael J.
Fox.
He's from there.
MJF is from Canada? Oh, that's right.
You're the one who loves him.
Fine.
I guess Canada's not that bad.
Their beer has twice the amount of alcohol ours does, plus you know they're laid back.
I mean, they got a pot leaf right on their flag.
Pot flags? We're going to Canada.
Hey, Canada.
That sounds like a super idea.
Listen, can you guys drop me off at the next block? Well, we can't now, Kevin.
You heard us talking about Canada.
You should've spoken up before we made our plan.
Yeah, man, use your head.
Squad cars get stolen pretty frequently, so now they all have low jack.
Plus they break down every 30 to 40 miles, so I don't expect the culprits to get far.
What in the world? Oh, this is odd.
O beautiful for empty fairs Jihad makes me sad That's the heart of our town right there.
That heart is broken.
Be careful out there, Mr.
Stack.
There's a lot of idiots on the road.
Okay, Mom.
He's clearly drunk, but bumper cars are made for crashing.
Besides, I don't want to alienate the guy.
He's in the Camden tourist brochure.
There's a nice picture of him on the antique train.
It's kind of funny how you keep getting kidnapped by us, Kevin.
Maybe you should look inside yourself and see what you keep doing wrong.
When we get to Canada, I'll call them and tell them where we hid the car.
And I'm still pretty sure I can talk Randy out of ditching it in the lake.
Lake! Lake! Lake! Lake! Well, you do make a good point.
Freeze! I will shoot you this time.
The terrorists have won again The score is orange to none America America I should've hosted family feud O beautiful For spacious skies For amber waves of grain For purple mountain majesties Above the fruity plains Man, the Chinese make a nice firework.
Their food's really good, too.
It's beautiful I only have one testicle.
Gross.
I have all the parts of my body! Look at that! This is the greatest country to live in and sell your body to strangers in the world.
Amen.
All right, I can do this.
Stay calm.
There's got to be something in here I can use to escape.
What's this? Road flare? Quite a sight, isn't it? All right, watch your heads.
Help! Help! Quick! Quick, I Help! Well, we did it.
We won.
Camden's back, the fair is back.
The spirit of independence is back.
America rocks! America rocks! Yeah, it's a great Fourth of July.
I guess we got a little carried away, though.
But nobody ever saved any lives by not getting carried away.
That Hickey character agreed not to sue us for torturing him if we dropped all the charges against him.
So all in all, a good day.
Terrorists 1 Cops 1 tie score.
Your move, terrorists.
Thanks, Kenny.
I know cops aren't supposed to show emotion, but damn it, this town I'm so proud.
The heroes and them Do you ever feel so American that you just want to be American with another American male? I think I see what you're getting at here, Kenny.
And believe me, I've thought about it.
You're a very attractive man.
But I'm catholic.
It's a no go.
Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they After that, the prisoners treated Randy differently.
In fact, they started treating him like one of their own.
Randy, it's cool that you're famous.
I'm famous, too.
I won the $350 millions mega ball.
Then I shot my dad.
That was stupid.
Oh, yeah, you were on the news.
"The million dollar moron.
" "Multi-million dollar moron.
" That was me.
So you actually know Tim Stack? He's funny.
I'd like to kidnap him.
Spend some time with him.
Then maybe, set him on fire.
Yeah, he would be funny on fire.
Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire Set him on fire, watch him burn to death.
Tim Stack, Tim stack, set him on fire Set him on fire, watch him burn to death Tim Stack, Tim Stack,