Never Have I Ever (2020) s03e07 Episode Script

1
If my mom knew
I was out on a weekday,
she'd ground me till summer.
Your mom scares me.
That's why I didn't tell my mom
where I'm going today.
Good, because I am definitely not allowed
to be on a date right now.
Which this is, right?
Yeah, obviously.
Okay, on three, say where your mom
thinks you are right now.
One, two, three
Debate practice.
- Whoa! You do debate too?
- Only since the first grade.
Huh. Then I guess you and I
have a little showdown coming up
at the Valley Regional Debate Tournament.
2V2 public forum.
I look forward to cross-firing you.
Oh, snap!
That was the hottest thing
a guy had ever said to Devi.
And yet, there was one little thing
that was still bothering her.
Hey, so can I ask you a question?
Why did you ghost me?
Look, I'm sorry. That was shitty of me.
But after that party,
I kinda started to wonder
if I should really be hitting on a girl
who was just crying over another guy.
Uh, I was only crying for,
like, six minutes.
But I see your point.
You should know though, I'm over Paxton.
I actually like someone else.
I see the look that's in your eyes
I've been feeling something lately ♪
- It's me, right?
- Yeah.
I've been feeling something lately ♪
I've been feeling something lately ♪
I've been feeling something lately ♪
Good morning,
you beautiful bitches.
Wow, someone's in a chipper mood.
Yes, I am because a talent agent
just emailed me about auditioning for her.
- Congrats!
- That's awesome!
Thanks! Seems like the commercials I did
really showcased my craft.
Do you need some privacy
on your Jolly Roger?
Set your sails for Captain Joe's Blinds.
Thar she blinds!
All sales are final.
Can anyone help me tape it this weekend?
Sorry, El. Devi and I
have our debate tournament.
Mmm. That's okay. I'll have Trent do it.
Wait. So, Devi, are you excited
to go up against Des
at the tournament this weekend?
That's kind of spicy, huh?
I know, right? We're gonna go at it.
And then, we're gonna go at it,
for a couple of minutes
until our moms pick us up.
Do they suspect anything yet?
Nope. That's the best part
of our moms being friends.
We've been hanging out for weeks,
and they don't have a clue.
Ugh! There's nothing sexier
than a secret liaison dangereux.
Little did they know, there was
another liaison dangereux in their midst,
who were finally ready to go publique.
There is something
that Aneesa and I would like to announce.
We are together.
What? How? When? Why?
Well, I know why. You guys are both hot.
Well, we kinda kissed
a while ago.
You did?
Yeah. We both had crushes in secret,
but decided to make it official
at the coffeehouse.
Holy crap, you guys. This is so exciting.
Ah!
- Hey, so what should we do tonight?
- I don't know. Hook up in your garage?
Yeah, but we always do that.
Don't you get bored doing the same thing?
I mean, what if we mix it up a little?
Like, what if we went
to an art gallery or something?
Would we get drunk before?
Oh my God, that's such a good idea.
Never mind. Let's just meet at my place.
You should write movies, Paxton.
You're, like, so hilarious.
Look at us, we're offish.
Yo, Sherman Oaks,
hot couple alert.
I know. Watch out, school,
Aneeola is here.
Hmm. That sounds like a body part.
What about Fabees?
No, that sounds like Febreze.
How about just Fabiola and Aneesa?
Oh.
- Um, were you going for a hug or a kiss?
- I don't know. What were you doing?
Like, are we PDA people or not?
Or like what's our goodbye ritual?
- You know what, let's not overthink this.
- Yeah.
Uh
- I'll see you later!
- Yep. Yep. Sorry.
Des, Devi! Dinner in five!
Hmm? Hey! Are you nuts?
What if our moms catch us?
How are we supposed to make out
if we're decapitated?
Maybe they'll bury our heads together?
"Easy practice sesh
at Sherman Oaks High"?
Hey, are you calling our debate tournament
an easy practice sesh?
Oh. Um, sorry. That's just how they put it
on the team calendar.
Wait, so you guys think
you're gonna just show up and destroy us
because you're
from a fancy private school?
No. I mean, do we think
we have a good chance at winning?
Yeah, but only because we always do.
We've come close a few times.
Well, that's because we usually send
our freshmen to compete against you.
You do? Huh.
I guess that's why we've never met before
and why I thought everyone
at your school was strangely small.
But this time,
we're bringing our senior squad.
So you and I can hang out.
Wait, are you mad?
I'm not trying to be insulting.
It's just Hartman Hill
is nationally ranked,
and we mostly compete against colleges.
So what? Our school's
had four people audition for The Voice.
And only two of them are now dead.
Look, we have an unfair advantage.
Our school just has
more resources than yours.
The real problem is how underfunded
the public school system is.
My school's doing just fine,
thank you.
Look, I really didn't mean to offend you.
Uh Well, I'm not offended.
You should be offended
by how badly you're gonna get crushed
at tomorrow's tournament.
Okay. I look forward to it.
Hmm.
Kamala, you're gonna love this.
It says sexy 'cause, you know.
There's my label maker
and what's left
of my expensive label tape,
but yes, you are very sexy.
Mmm.
What's all this gear?
You got tape. You got trash bags.
What, you burying a body?
Am I dating a future true crime star?
No, I told my aunt
that I would help organize
some of my grandmother's things.
Yesterday, a pile of her boxes
from India toppled over
and trapped her
for like 12 hours.
Well, don't worry, she's fine. She said
it was the best sleep she's had in years.
I'd ask you to come, but you know.
Yeah. Granny hates me.
I get it. No worries.
I have to judge a debate tournament
at the school today anyways,
and those kids hate me slightly less.
Mmm, sounds like we both have
thrilling Saturdays lined up.
Yeah, why are we so boring?
You know what? We should make up
for it tomorrow with a little bit of
And when I said that we were gonna
destroy Hartman Hill, Des laughed.
Ergo, he thinks he's gonna win.
So we have to beat them.
Although, I'd rather you not entangle
my academic pursuits
in whatever kink this is for you,
I'm gonna have to side with your
Love Island-looking boyfriend on this one.
- Hartman Hill's gonna crush us.
- What?
Yeah. I heard that their new coach
is the computer that won Jeopardy.
Ben, since when do you just give up?
Look, I'm trying not to get so hung up
on what other people are doing.
Whatever.
We still have to try to beat them.
How? Hartman Hill has LexisNexis Premium.
That means no commercials.
Yeah. The only periodical
we have in our library
is a free neighborhood paper.
Sherman Oaks Tootler.
The one that always arrives soaked
no matter what the weather is?
Yep. This one from December's headline
is about a guy named Pete Flume
who put up so many Christmas lights,
it blacked out his neighborhood.
Hard-hitting stuff.
Mr. Flume says, "It is my sacrosanct duty
to infuse my neighborhood
with Christmas cheer."
"And yes, that starts with a 20-foot-tall,
topless Mrs. Claus."
Mmm. That should help us in the debate.
Organized debate
can be traced all the way back
to the bosom of democracy.
He said bosom.
There, philosophers and politicians
would joust not with swords
but with their tongues.
He said tongues.
And they would assemble for such debates
atop a hill known as the Pnyx.
- He said
- Okay, let's get this tournament going.
Teams, you can see your room assignments
on the board. Good luck.
And, Eric, you're not even in debate.
You should be in Saturday detention. Go.
So, looks like we're
on opposite sides of the bracket.
I guess we'll have to wait till the finals
to squash you ding-dongs.
It'd be awesome if you made the finals.
We'll see how things go.
I'm telling you how it'll go.
Badly for you, goodly for me.
But we'll still make out later, right?
Stop trying to flirt with me.
We're mortal enemies today.
And yes, we can make out later.
Resolved, that performance-enhancing drugs
should be allowed in sports.
Let's see what
the human body can do, baby.
It's clear that two-day shipping
is a very real threat to our society.
So for the sake of our children,
we must do more vertical farming.
All right. Camera, ready. Action.
I'm Eleanor Wong, and I'm 5'5",
and I'll be doing Jennifer Lopez's speech
from Hustlers.
- Cut.
- What do you mean, "cut"?
I haven't even started.
Sorry, I just feel
like it's missing something.
Yeah, the whole monologue.
No, that's not it. I'm worried
it's not gonna pop, you know?
You need to be memorable
if this agent is gonna sign you.
Is that why you brought a stripper pole?
She's not even stripping
during the speech!
- I'm just trying to get levels.
- Sorry I dragged you here.
Thought this would be more fun.
Oh, I'm having fun.
I love watching people fight.
- I'm a big UFC fan.
- Let me explain my vision, okay?
Babe, I'm just talking about
some subtle ambiance. Let me show you.
Imagine doing your monologue,
ripping those lines straight out
of your mouth hole.
And just as your speech
climaxes super hard,
this happens.
Are you kidding me?
Oh shit. I'm so sorry!
The guy behind Baskin-Robbins assured me
these were the ones for pussies.
Eleanor! Wait!
Oh shit.
And we have our finalists!
Congrats to Sherman Oaks and Hartman Hill.
And to the other teams,
just remember there is no such thing
as losing, only learning.
I've actually lost every competition
I've ever entered.
Hey, David.
Don't be insufferable about this,
but you may have been right
to think that we can win.
Yeah, I know, right? We've been on fire.
I mean, aside from
their beautifully tailored blazers,
what do they have that we don't?
Absolutely no
A team of paralegals
and a fancy-looking omniscient computer.
That's the computer that won Jeopardy.
We're so screwed!
Okay, let's get to our final topic.
Is the privatization
of outer space a just cause?
Sherman Oaks, you won the coin toss.
Which side will you argue?
Aw, shit. Which one's easier?
Look at them, so comfortable.
Pits as dry as the Sahara.
Is this a trap? What do we do?
Uh, affirmative.
Hartman Hill, you will argue the negative.
Uh, unless the school burns down.
Everybody out, single file.
Okay. Very quickly,
but respect each other's bodies.
Okay, I'm assuming this goes in the trash?
- No, that's a definite keeper.
- Mami, you got to get rid of some things.
You've only lived here a year
and have more things than Devi and I.
I can't help that I have an eye
for incredible treasures.
Like this bag of wrapping paper scraps?
That's the perfect shape if I wanted
to give someone a straw as a gift.
Kamala, you should take
your grandmother inside,
and put away things from the keep pile.
Rhyah and I will stay out here
and continue sorting.
Okay. Come, Pati.
Okay.
Oh. What's this wheelchair?
Um, that was actually Devi's.
What?
What happened?
Oh, well, um
When Mohan died,
it was really hard on Devi,
and, um, this really wild thing happened
where she temporarily lost feeling
in her legs.
Oh no! That must have been so scary.
Hmm, yeah, it was terrifying.
Last couple of years have been
a bit of a roller-coaster ride for us.
- You wanna talk about it?
- I don't know.
You know, she's she's just been angry,
and she's acted out a lot.
And she even got suspended from school.
Oh God.
Yeah, but she's doing so much better.
I'm sorry you've had
such struggles, Nalini.
I can't imagine how hard it's been.
Thank you.
And Des has just always been so easy.
I need to remember
to feel gratitude about that.
Thank you.
Ugh! I can't believe my boyfriend
is an arsonist.
This is actually good.
We needed a beat anyway.
There is no way Hartman Hill's allowed
to have paralegals, right?
I mean, there's nothing in the rule book
against it. So it's technically legal.
Hey, congrats on getting
to the finals, killer!
My team went on a matcha run.
Can I grab you something?
Hartman Hill is getting matcha.
They're so relaxed,
they need an energy boost?
And he called you "killer."
It's what my grandmother's
kickboxing coach calls her,
and she does the class seated.
Devi knew
that Des was trying to be nice,
but it was infuriating
how unthreatened he was.
The only thing separating
his team from hers was money,
which paid for professionals
to do all their research,
research that was sitting
in the school completely unguarded.
No, Devi, that's cheating.
But then again,
weren't they kind of cheating?
This was an unfair playing field,
and perhaps it was time to level it.
Man, she is going off. You okay?
No, I'm not okay. I'm thriving.
What? But you guys are in a fight.
Nah, that's just what El and I do.
We rile each other up,
and then we love each other down.
If you tried to dick tap me right now,
you'd probably break your hand.
Okay.
Honestly, being in a relationship
this passionate,
it's like the best high I've ever had.
And I've been struck
by lightning.
I don't know, man, seems like a lot.
Oh, you do you.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
Daddy's gotta go get scolded.
Hey! Devi, what are you doing in here?
Oh, um, I was just, uh
seeing if any students
needed to be saved from the fire.
Nope. All good.
Let's debate, bro.
Aneesa, what are you doing here?
I'm here to be a good girlfriend.
Look, I made you a sign.
Oh. Thank you.
No, no, I hold it. This is what
girlfriends do at football games.
Oh.
So when do you go out there?
I don't. I'm just an alternate.
So I sit here
unless someone calls out sick.
Oh. Okay.
Cool. Guess I'll just sit over here then.
Well, I definitely didn't move it.
Hey, we're missing a binder.
Uh, I didn't touch it.
It was probably the new paralegal.
I saw her order
a Bloody Mary at breakfast.
Tell you what, I think that fire
kind of ruined the flow of things.
So in the interest of keeping things fair,
I think Sherman Oaks and Hartman Hill
should switch sides.
Uh Objection, Your Honor.
To what? To fairness, Devi?
Um, no.
That's what I thought.
Let's begin.
Okay, now here's a box that's a keeper.
Look at all these old photos
and several rolling pins,
but mostly photos.
Oh, look there's you.
Oh, and Tata.
This is when we used to have
ice cream Sundays,
which was when all we would eat
on Sunday was ice cream.
I always got very sick.
I remember. I was the one who had
to feed you clear rasam the next day.
Oh, I miss Tata.
He was so much fun.
Yes, sometimes a little too fun.
I loved your grandfather,
but he was more of a dreamer than a doer.
How so?
He never liked any job that he had,
so he frequently had no job at all.
And I had to make what little
we did have stretch a long way.
Why do you think I save all this stuff?
Pati, I had no idea.
But it does give a whole new meaning
to this shoebox filled with loose sporks.
Kanna, this is what scares me
about Manish.
That you will have to be a parent to him,
like I was to my husband.
I look at Manish
with his high-top sneakers
and sparkly men's earrings,
and I don't see a grown-up.
I don't see someone
who can make sacrifices
for you and your family.
Pati, I know you're trying to protect me.
But Manish is not Tata.
And one day,
I hope he'll get to prove that to you.
And that's time.
Let's move on to closing statements.
Hartman Hill, you're up first.
Our planet
becomes less habitable by the day,
so private space exploration
is imperative to human survival.
As a local venture capitalist stated
in a recent LA Times op-ed,
"It is our sacrosanct duty"
He said stank doodie.
Eric, go to detention!
Wait, Eric was right.
Not about the stank part.
Des did say "sacrosanct duty."
Why did that phrase sound so familiar?
"It is our sacrosanct duty
as private companies
to ensure the future of our species."
"So those beautiful twinkling lights
in the sky
can still represent hope."
Thank you.
Sherman Oaks, you're up.
Before I begin, what was the name
of the venture capitalist
who wrote that op-ed?
Oh, uh, yeah, Peter Flume.
- Hell yeah. I need the Tootler.
- What?
The Sherman Oaks Tootler.
- I wrapped my sandwich in it.
- Oh my God.
I'd like to introduce into evidence
the December 9th edition
of the Sherman Oaks Tootler.
Turns out your boy
is a resident of Sherman Oaks,
and his mansion's pervy Christmas display
was so big
that it cut power to a local hospital.
My fellow humans, guys like this
don't care about anyone else.
Privatization makes the world
a crappier, more unjust place.
No matter if it's in
space exploration or in education.
Let's go!
Okay. It's unanimous.
With that closing statement,
Sherman Oaks is the winner.
Yes!
Way to go!
And, Ms. Vishwakumar,
if you could just hang back for a second.
Mmm.
Amazing job, babe. You looked like
you could have subbed in at any moment.
Well, I'm glad I didn't.
I hate public speaking.
I don't know why
I signed up for debate.
Oh! Ahh! My incisors.
Damn. What's going on with us?
Why are we so awkward?
I don't know. I really like you.
I really like you too.
I think it's probably always weird
when you go from friends to girlfriends.
But we'll get there.
Yeah, in in no time,
we're going to be PDAing so hard,
people will be like, "Get a room."
Congrats on the win.
Hey, look what I found in the trash.
Hartman Hill's missing binder.
It's weird, huh?
Super weird.
Why'd they throw it away?
You know what,
rich people just don't value property
the same way you and I do
Devi, stop it. I know you cheated.
And the sad thing is,
you didn't even have to.
Uh I did it in the name of justice.
Did you not see their paralegals?
I'm basically Jean Valjean.
Yeah, well,
then I'm a better singing Russell Crowe
because now I gotta take you to prison,
aka your house, aka the place
where everyone hates me already.
So this is just fantastic.
Get your bag. Let's go.
So, what are your plans after graduation?
Oh, um, I hadn't really thought about it.
I bet there'll be, like,
a graduation party that night,
so I'll probably go to that.
I meant, like,
do you want to go to college
Quiet on set, people!
Eleanor and I have come to a compromise,
which is that we think
Eleanor's way is best.
All right, babe.
Lights, camera, cell phone.
I'm Eleanor Wong. I'm 5'5",
and this is Jennifer Lopez in Hustlers.
Look, baby.
We gotta start thinking
like these Wall Street guys.
You see what they did to this country?
They stole from everybody.
Hardworking people lost everything.
You ever think about when they come
into the club?
That's stolen money.
Eff these guys.
Cut!
You killed it, babe! These agents
are gonna sign the shit out of you.
And I can't believe you used
my mom's stripper pole.
It was perfect. Thank you for pushing me.
You make me better.
You make me better.
- Hold on.
- Seriously?
Oh boy.
Manish? What a pleasant surprise
you did not clear with me beforehand.
Yeah. Hello, everyone. Sorry to interrupt.
I'll just cut to the chase.
I caught Devi cheating
in the debate tournament today.
I'm I'm sorry. She did what?
Oh, that is serious.
It seems like it's a family moment.
I'll just go back into the garage.
Devi, how could you?
So, what does this mean?
Is she suspended again?
I decided not to inform the principal.
Seems like something
you'd rather handle in-house.
Thank you, Manish.
- Up to your room.
- Okay.
Couldn't you get into trouble
for not reporting this?
Maybe, but I know how hard Devi works,
and I don't want to mess up her future
because of one stupid mistake.
Anyway, sorry about all this,
and I promise not to bother you again.
Wait, please come inside.
- Is this a trap?
- Please do it before she changes her mind.
Okay. Whoa, you got a tight grip.
Pardon me.
Oh boy. Uh
Manish, I owe you an apology.
I thought you were nothing more
than an immature, bumbling hooligan.
- I mean, I'm a full-time teacher.
- Anyway, I was wrong.
Despite what your haircut says about you,
you are a grown-up.
You were tough on Devi today,
but you also protected her.
That's what family does.
So I'm happy for Kamala
to be with someone like you.
Although, I would like you to learn
something more about your culture.
Perhaps I can be your tutor.
Would you like that?
He would love that.
Thank you, Pati.
Good.
Hey! Devi? Are you up there?
Yeah. Come in.
Hey, my mom asked me to bring takeout.
While they were fighting
over spring rolls, I snuck upstairs.
Damn. Well played, dude.
If anyone deserves a "Damn.
Well played, dude," it's you.
You clobbered us.
Technically, yes.
But I also may have cheated,
but in a way that didn't even help us,
so you can't be that mad.
Uh, you've lost me.
- I'm the reason your binder went missing.
- Oh man. That was you?
Parker fired one
of our paralegals for that.
I'm sorry,
but how else are we supposed to compete
with your paralegals
and the fricking Jeopardy computer?
Yikes. Look, I'm not psyched
you stole our research, but frankly,
I don't blame you guys for trying to give
yourselves an edge. That's what we do.
Like, for instance,
we might take a normal desktop computer
and put a screen saver on it
so it looks like the one from Jeopardy.
No! I asked that computer
for an autograph.
Look, I'll be honest.
- I'm intimidated by you.
- Hmm?
I don't think I've ever dated someone
as smart as me or maybe even smarter.
I think I like it.
Well, I like it too.
Being smarter than you.
Devi,
why am I hearing voices up there?
You better not be listening to a podcast!
Okay, you got to get out of here.
But maybe you could throw
a spring roll up the stairs?
You got it.
You used to shine so bright
But you soured ♪
At the taste of a bitter leaf ♪
Took it all out on me
But I see through you ♪
And you won't be causing me no grief
Anymore ♪
You used to shine so bright
But you soured ♪
At the taste of a bitter leaf ♪
Took it all out on me
But I see through you ♪
And you won't be causing me no grief
Anymore ♪
You used to shine so bright
But you soured ♪
At the taste of a bitter leaf ♪
Took it all out on me
But I see through you ♪
And you won't be causing me no grief
Anymore ♪