One Day at a Time (2017) s03e07 Episode Script

1 Dang, son! I'm killing this budget spreadsheet.
Being an adult is sad.
I get that.
I have returned.
Dang.
What happened to your nose? I went shoe-shopping with your mother.
Yeah, that tracks.
I'm just lucky Lydia came prepared.
I told you I still need tampons.
Abuelita, you got the shoes! You're my hero.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I really had to fight for them.
Mami, we talked about this.
- You cannot keep spoiling Alex.
- I'm not.
I just went to pick them up for him because he is still grounded.
No, no.
He paid with his own $300.
Three hundred dollars for one pair of shoes? They better come with $280 stuffed in them! Mom, I did exactly what you told me to do.
You said that if I wanted to buy expensive shoes, I had to earn my own money.
I did say that.
Lesson number two.
Don't buy stupid stuff.
Come here.
Look at my credit card statement.
Every dollar is budgeted.
Four hundred dollars a month for groceries, sixty dollars to keep the lights on, seven dollars at the Fountain Hotel.
What? That's not my charge.
Somebody must've stolen my credit card number.
For seven dollars? Not how I would have played it.
No, no, no.
This is what they do.
They start by racking up little charges to make sure the card works.
Macy's, Nike, Harley-Davidson.
Then you realize they're living your best life.
Did you cancel the card? No, I wanted to see what I would have done next.
Listen, I have never even been to your hotel.
It's a minibar charge? You really got the wrong girl.
What are you gonna accuse me of next? Not washing and reusing tinfoil? What was the name on the credit card? Elena Alvarez? Wait! [Penelope.]
Thank you.
Hi! Why did you use your emergency credit card at the Fountain Hotel? And what were you even doing there? A few people had died there.
I was ghost hunting.
- No, you weren't.
- No, I wasn't.
Elena, come on.
Be honest.
[clears throat.]
Syd and I got a hotel room.
Why would you need Uh I can't believe you used the minibar.
And you know, you We're going to circle back around to all of this.
Mami, where are you going? I'm not quite sure.
This is it This is life, the one you get So go and have a ball This is it Straight ahead and rest assured You can't be sure at all So while you're here, enjoy the view Keep on doing what you do Hold on tight We'll muddle through One day at a time So, up on your feet Somewhere there's music playing Don't you worry none We'll just take it like it comes One day at a time One day at a time One day at a time One day at a time One day at a time One day at a time - It's so nice to see you.
- Uh-huh.
What's wrong with Elena? What? Nothing.
I just wanted to hang outside of group.
It's been a while since The last time you wanted to know lesbian stuff about Elena.
That's the only reason you call.
Come on, girl.
That's not true.
It's fine.
What do you want to talk about? What's up with the bees? Are they coming back or what? [chuckles.]
Just ask me a question about Elena.
It's fine.
I kind of like being your lesbian Yoda.
I think she's having sex.
[in a robotic voice.]
I will need another drink.
I don't know Yoda.
[Schneider clears throat.]
So your mom has asked me to give you a little chat about irresponsible spending.
Yeah.
She said to show me all the stupid stuff you wasted money on so that I don't end up like you.
It's a program she calls "Scared Smart".
Yeah, she's really starting to lean on me as a co-parent.
[Schneider.]
Take a gander.
Really old comic books, unopened Star Wars toys, Shirley Temple's tap shoes.
Why did I think they'd fit? Who would want all this crap? Schneider, all this stuff is really cool.
Is it? Or is it just a symbol of a young man who tried to use money to fill the hole in his soul? It didn't work.
Yeah, but now all of this stuff is worth tons of money.
Is it? Wait.
Is it? You own the Ghostbusters car? Yes, I do.
Here's a lesson: I heard that car was suddenly going up for auction, so I had to ditch dinner plans with my favorite Uncle Gary.
He'd just had a triple bypass.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
He died while I was at that auction.
Turns out, he needed a quadruple bypass.
I will always regret that day.
'Cause you were so selfish, you forgot family is more important than anything.
No.
'Cause I should have waited and bid on the Back to the Future car.
That thing travels back in time.
I could've gone back and not bid on the Ghostbusters car.
Or told Gary to have that fourth bypass, but whatever, your thing works, too.
See, I know what I would say to Elena if she were straight.
Use a condom.
Take the pill.
Don't have sex.
Well, when you're a lesbian, it's even simpler.
You don't need a condom, you don't need the pill, and the best part, four boobs.
Okay.
I get it.
It's great.
But what about STDs? Safe lesbian sex is not my area of expertise.
I mean, what do you use? A dish glove? A swim cap? A thimble? Do you even have a vagina? There's hardly any risk physically.
She's gonna be fine.
So what? I'm supposed to be okay that she's having sex? I'm a mom.
She's my kid.
I can't condone this.
No, Ramona.
When did I become the bad guy? I'm just trying to make you less worried, and I can assume it's with Syd, who she's been dating forever? [exhales deeply.]
Elena's 17.
She is just way too young.
And how old were you? Seventeen and a half.
And what did your mom say? [scoffs.]
Are you kidding me? She doesn't know.
I was sneaky.
I didn't put her through the torture of thinking about this.
As far as she knows, I had sex once to make Elena.
And how does she think Alex got here? She tells people she had him.
If you're gonna be a sexually active teenager, you need to do it responsibly and make sure your parents never find out.
But now I know, and I have to have an opinion.
And I don't want to be the mom that's all, "Sex is dirty.
You're gonna go to hell.
" But I also don't want to be the mom that's like, "Use my bed.
I'll get you water, so you stay hydrated.
" Now I have to talk to her.
[cries.]
I don't want to.
Oh, Papito, how are the shoes? Great.
I sold them.
[dish clangs.]
I know, I know, but they were already worth twice as much as what I paid for them.
How could you do such a thing? I stood in line for hours! I know, and Dr.
Berkowitz got a busted nose.
Oh, please.
That's just a scratch.
Abuelita, I really appreciate what you did.
Mm-hmm.
So I'm going to use some money to take you out to dinner.
Aww, Papito.
You do a lot for me, and it's time I paid you back a little.
And unlike Mami, I'm gonna let you get an appetizer and a beverage.
[laughs.]
I know that's how they get you.
But they're gonna get us.
You are such a good sonGrandson.
Listen, Mami Okay, look, you know why I'm here.
We got to do this.
I don't want to do it either, but here goes.
I'm your mom.
My first instinct is to protect you.
I mean, if I had it my way, I'd keep you hidden away from the world in my mouth like a freaking pelican.
Actually, Finding Nemo is really misleading.
Pelicans Okay, I'm halfway through a very prepared speech.
Even though I sometimes wish it weren't happening, you're growing up.
The first time I had sex, I was 17.
I thought I was ready, but I kind of had a freak out after.
It's a roller coaster.
One day, you're fine.
Next day, you have sex.
The day after that, the boy you lost your virginity to doesn't call you back, and you're filling the glove compartment of his Camaro with tuna so he knows he messed with the wrong girl.
Then you're called "Tunelope" for the rest of high school.
Worth it? Yes.
Okay, you lost me.
[sighs.]
What I mean is that it's very emotional.
And also, check your answering machine 'cause maybe he called you while you were loading up on Dollar Store tuna.
The point I'm trying to make is that sex is not a dirty thing that you should hide.
But it's also not something that you should take lightly.
And I just want to make sure that you're okay with what did or didn't happen.
So, are you okay? Well Hey, guys.
Mom, that was a really gendered greeting.
Don't try to distract me from the fact that this door was closed when you know it should be open.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Okay, I'm sorry too about the gendered greeting.
Later, dudes.
Oh, caught that one.
Can we go to your house? I'm homeschooled, and my parents are holding football tryouts for my brother.
We never get to be alone.
And I love just making out with you, but - Yeah.
- Yeah? Because I think I'm ready for more if you're ready.
I'm definitely ready to do more than fumble with your bra whenever your mom isn't checking on us.
Which is only when she's in the bathroom.
Remember when she got food poisoning? That was so hot.
Okay, so what do we do? Where can we be alone? What do they do in teen movies? I feel like a lot of stuff happens in parked cars.
Damn.
I need to learn how to drive so we can park.
[Alex clears throat.]
Alex, what're you doing? Mom's in the bathroom, so she's making me stand here.
Can I ask a favor since I spend the afternoon chaperoning two horny nerds? Sure, honey, anything.
Can I have tomorrow off from being grounded? Aww.
No.
You screwed up, and now you are my prisoner.
Psst! Papito.
Do you, uh, need something from the outside? The new Yeezys drop tomorrow.
Jesus is coming back tomorrow? I just spoke to him.
He didn't tell me anything.
Yeezys are sneakers.
I've been saving up for months now, and if I'm not in line at the store tomorrow, they'll all be gone.
Consider it done.
I will get you those shoes even if I have to cut off somebody's feet.
You just have to stand in line.
Oh, fine.
Suck the fun out of it.
Which reminds me.
I will invite Leslie.
Really? Okay.
Thanks.
Now, let me tell you which sneakers to get.
No need.
I will just get the ones that go best with your church pants.
What? No.
Okay.
Then I'll get whatever's on sale.
That's worse.
Abuelita, we need to find a way for you to get me exactly what I want.
Is it working? Can you see what the phone is pointing at? Yes! Now please turn it around.
[Elena clears throat.]
Hey there.
We would like to rent a room.
You know, like we've done a million times.
Ugh, so sick of it.
That's the life we chose as traveling astronauts.
Thatis the name of our band.
Good save.
I'll just need a credit card.
Well, uh, sir, we were hoping that we could pay for this room in cash.
Cash from all our music gigs.
Not playing for money in a competitive Magic: The Gathering League.
We still need a credit card on file for incidentals.
- Do you have a credit card? - No.
- Do you have one? - Kind of.
My mom gave me one, but it's supposed to be for emergencies only.
I mean, it is kind of an emergency.
[giggles.]
Yeah, she's not gonna see it that way.
Not that I was totally listening, but heads-up on that credit card.
It's just a precaution.
It won't be charged.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Just don't touch the minibar or steal a robe.
[Elena chuckles.]
And no trash in the room, rockstars.
Aww! That sucks, square.
Sorry.
Ugh! Musicians.
Oh! It's our turn finally.
Nice.
Remember, just repeat after me.
Hi.
How can I help you? Hey, bro, how are you living? Hook me up with what is good.
What do you want? - Okay, I want - Alex, what are you doing? Nothing? I want nothing.
All right.
Next.
- No, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no.
You're grounded, which, you know, means you're not supposed to be on your phone on the weekends.
Hello.
Hello, Alex? Hello? Oh, no.
Papito has been compromised.
Okay.
We are on our own.
We want the Jesus shoes.
- Yeezys.
- Yeah.
These are the two pairs that just dropped.
Thank you for picking them up.
How do we know which ones he wants? Well, the yellow ones are pretty sharp.
Right.
We'll take the blue one, size eight.
That guy just bought the last four pairs.
[sighs.]
Hola.
I speak Spanish because I grew up in Cuba.
As a child, I had to flee.
I escape with absolutely You're not getting my shoes.
No, wait.
Listen.
I am going to tell you something I have never told anybody before.
You would probably not believe it.
I am old.
Oh, Lydia, your soul isn't a day over 25.
Can it, Leslie! Look, I have $300.
Oh, please.
This is for my grandson.
He is the most important person in the world to me.
You know, I know I might not be around forever, but these shoes will be.
Maybe it's silly to you, but I just want him to have something to always remember me by.
Wow, I get that.
I guess he can remember you as the grandmother who didn't get him these bitching kicks.
[chatter in disagreement.]
You have four pairs.
Give her the shoes.
Yeah, give her the shoes, man! This is going viral.
Don't be that guy.
You know how long she must have had to save up for those? Yeah, man, don't be a racist.
Give the maid the shoes.
[chatter.]
[girl.]
Come on! - Fine! - You got plenty of them.
[Lydia gasps.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
[Lydia laughs.]
Lydia, you did it! Pa'lante! [Leslie groans.]
[laughs.]
Andlet's begin.
That was weird.
Yep.
I just feel like, in the movies, they usually skip to like the end of this.
Right? Boom! One of us has the sheet here, the other has it down here.
[Elena chuckles.]
Oh, wait.
I wanted to set the mood, so I made a playlist of the sexiest songs.
["The X-Files" theme plays.]
X-Files.
Wait.
[music stops.]
So, I just want you to know how incredible I think you are.
I am so happy that you're the first person I'm doing this with.
And I think that you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life, and I can't believe your heart is even more beautiful.
Oh! We already paid for the room.
You're gonna get some.
All right.
We talked the talk, now we got to walk the walk.
Do you consent to engage in sexual activity with me? An enthusiastic "yes"! - Do you? - Oh, hell yes! As agreed, our safe word is Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Hey, did you bring a condom? Uh, yeah.
I've had one in my wallet since, like, eighth grade.
[Elena laughs.]
When was the last time you got tested? Last year when I was with Selene.
Wait, are you serious? You've had sex before.
Yeah.
Wow.
I'm sorry.
I didn't tell you because I didn't even want to talk to you about it until I was sure you were ready.
I didn't want to put any pressure on it.
I just thought this was gonna be both of our first times.
Well I wasn't in love then, but I am now.
So in a way, this is my first time, too.
I also wanted you to think that I was awesome at it right out the gate.
But mostly, I wanted to make sure this happened on your terms.
This is a big deal.
Mm-hmm.
It is a big deal! What if I think I'm ready and I'm not really ready? How am I going to know because five minutes ago, I was all like, "Yeah, let's do this," and now we're in a random hotel room about to do it.
How did I not think about any of this before? Are you okay? You're gonna see me naked.
Like, full naked.
You think this is white.
This has never seen the sun.
But then again, virginity is just a construct used to uphold the patriarchy, and I can't even get pregnant.
So who cares? Okay, but now that I really think about it I don't know.
I'm scared.
What if this changes everything, and not in a good way? Elena, there's no rush.
We can do it next month, next year.
We can never do it if that's what you want.
No matter what happens, I love you.
I love you, too.
Let's just watch a movie.
There's a Harry Potter marathon on, and I brought Every Flavour Beans in case this happened.
Did you hear something fall? - No.
- Okay.
So, are you okay? Well yeah.
I am.
Good.
Are you okay? Well I was really wishing you were better at sneaking around like I was, so I wouldn't have to know anything about this.
But now that I do, I am glad that we're talking like this.
And I'm glad you had a good experience.
And that it happened with someone you love.
But I'm still your mom, and the rules of this house stay the same.
That door stays open.
Okay, Mami.
- Do you want to know the best part? - No.
I took all the toiletries.
[Penelope exhales.]
[sniffles.]
You really are a woman now.
[theme music plays.]