Parks and Recreation s03e07 Episode Script

Okay, everybody.
The Harvest Festival is tomorrow.
And I am so proud of all of you.
You've worked so hard.
You're amazing.
So, I have a surprise.
And it is possibly the best thing to potentially ever happen to anyone, anywhere, in the history of the universe.
Ladies and gentlemen, the world-famous Little Sebastian.
What? - Yes.
No way! Oh, my God.
I never thought I'd get to meet him.
It's really him.
Well done, Leslie.
Well done! Little Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in 1987, and he was an instant phenomenon.
For the next few years, Sebastian was the number one boy's name in Pawnee.
And the number three girl's name.
So, what am I missing? What's the deal with this pony? He's not a pony, Ben.
He's a mini-horse.
There's a big difference.
Well, then, why is he so famous? Does he do something? What does he do? Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame.
We all need to be very careful.
Okay? Remember.
This little guy is 25 now.
And he has cataracts in both eyes.
He has severe arthritis.
Jerry's going to look after him.
Yes, I am.
We are both on the same diabetes medication.
Are you my Glucotrol buddy? Are you? Isn't it amazing? Yeah.
I've just got to be honest.
I don't know what the big deal is.
Get out.
Okay, couldn't you put Sue's Salads here? On Deep Fried Boulevard? It's just There's so many junk food places and only one salad stand.
Well, there's a lot of people that don't consider salad a food.
The Harvest Festival is the biggest thing I've ever done in my career.
And if it fails, the Parks Department will be eliminated.
That's why we're going big.
Seven days, over 30 different locations, 50,000-plus visitors and four hospitality kiosks.
God, I've got to stop ending on that boring thing.
Clowns.
Man, you are just knocking these off.
You're like a ninja crossed with a Jedi or something.
You're like a nerd mixed with a dork or something.
Tom, Star Wars is not that nerdy.
No, Star Wars is not that nerdy.
It's not.
Everyone has seen it.
Everyone has seen it.
Everyone.
This guy's here.
Hey, Ken.
Hi, Leslie.
This is Ben and Tom.
That's a dope bolo.
This is Ken Hotate.
He is the tribal leader of the Wamapoke.
Have a seat.
Ken, I know why you're here.
And just let me say that we really tried.
I'm sorry, Leslie, but this is a big one.
I'm under a lot of pressure.
I'm going to need to formally ask you to move the carnival.
I'm sorry.
What's going on? The carnival is on the site of the Battle of Indian Hill, which was an epic seven-day battle that the Wamapoke lost due to the fact that they didn't have any weapons.
During the battle, was shot one hundred and two times by the cavalry.
Did he die? Yes.
And this moment will be commemorated for the next seven days with shooting galleries and fried dough stands.
Ken, I understand, but this is the only place in town that's big enough to house the carnival rides.
Plus, you know with Pawnee's history, it's very difficult to not be offensive.
This is a map of all the atrocities the Pawnee settlers inflicted upon the Wamapoke Indians.
The atrocities are in blue.
We put up a memorial plaque, and we have a Wamapoke exhibit in the history tent.
I completely understand you, but this is sacred burial ground.
And I just hope that the souls of my ancestors don't put a curse on this festival.
There are two things I know about white people.
They love Matchbox Twenty, and they are terrified of curses.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, somebody, I don't want to say who, it was totally me, got Sweetums to donate another fifteen cotton candy machines.
Take that, curse.
Take that, curse.
Ow, ow, ow! Right in the chest.
Bazooka.
That's funny.
Ugh, get a room.
Okay, so guys, focus up.
Joan Callamezzo is coming by with a camera crew for an exclusive, last-minute walk-through of the Harvest Festival before we open tomorrow.
So, everything needs to be perfect.
Joan is always looking for a scandal.
She's like an eagle-eyed tiger.
Eagle-Eyed Tiger.
New band name.
I call it.
So, everybody, gather around.
Let's grab hands.
I don't hold hands.
Okay.
You're all amazing, wonderful people.
And I really want you to have fun today and not focus on the fact that if one thing goes wrong, we're all going to lose our jobs.
That's not inspiring.
Okay.
Let's go get them, everybody.
Okay.
Yes.
Hey, whatever happened to you and the Bionic Man? Chris? He broke up with me, but he did it so nicely that I didn't even realize he did it.
I've done that to multiple men.
How are you doing? Are you doing okay? Thank you so much for asking.
It's been tough.
Yeah.
Two days ago, I was sobbing at a pizza buffet, and they asked me to leave.
I've been looking at some dog adoption websites.
Bought 700 dollars worth of candles from Anthropologie.
I did this to my hair.
You know, your basic bottoming out kind of stuff.
Yeah.
Normally, people tell you to talk about your problems.
I'm going to recommend you bottle that noise up.
That's what my mailman said.
Murder.
Murder the most melons.
Shaquille showered.
Shame on Shakira's sheets.
Hello, Joan.
Hello, Leslie.
Looks like a very impressive festival.
But we'll see.
We'll see.
You remember Ben.
Hi.
It's nice to see you again.
Let's get started.
Okay.
Now, the festival is spread throughout the town, but the centerpiece is the carnival.
And over here is Indiana's largest corn maze.
Wow.
Is that Pawnee corn or Eagleton corn? Pawnee corn.
And it's organic.
Over here, we have our beautiful Ferris wheel.
Beautiful, but deadly.
When was the last time this giant wheel of death was inspected? Actually, twice in the last week, and everything is How many of these carnies are illegals? None.
They're all U.
S.
citizens.
Over in this booth, Indiana basketball legend Larry Bird's will be signing autographs for two hours on Thursday.
You got Tilda? Yeah.
We got Tilda.
But the real coup is over there.
Little Sebastian.
Are you kidding me? You got Little Sebastian? See for yourself.
Wow.
He is so adorable.
Thank you, Joan.
And Little Sebastian isn't bad, either! Tom! How are you? Good.
Good to see you.
Hold on a second.
What? Did you get your breasts done? You look amazing.
Yes, thanks for noticing.
Joan, listen to me.
This Harvest Festival, it's going to knock your socks off.
And when it does, I'm going to be there to give you a foot massage.
To completion.
Okay.
Good lord.
I swear.
It's almost like they don't want you to win.
Well, you better practice.
You've got to win me a teddy bear.
I'm going to win you a million teddy bears.
Well, I want a billion teddy bears.
Well, that's a little unrealistic.
This is a hard game.
Two million.
Deal.
All right.
Hey, I love you.
Dude, shut up! That is awesome sauce.
You're such a good boy.
Jerry, stop bothering Little Sebastian.
Leslie said I should watch him for a little bit.
Perfect.
I've got to go get him a tail scrunchie.
Most people look at Little Sebastian and they see a famous mini-horse.
I see an advertising opportunity for my club, the Snakehole Lounge.
Wow.
That is a shockingly huge mini-horse erection.
What about your friend Ben, here? We all know his story.
One of failure, remind us of that failure.
Well, you know, when I was an 18-year-old mayor, I tried to build a winter sports complex called Ice Town, and it bankrupted the city.
Yikes.
I was also shortstop of my J.
V.
baseball team.
No one ever brings that up.
And now, you're involved with this.
Do I smell another disaster, hopefully? Look, Joan, this festival, thanks to the tireless efforts of Leslie Knope, is going to bring people nothing but happiness.
Not even I could screw that up.
I'm a reporter, not your therapist.
So, anytime someone takes a picture of him, the Snakehole's logo is in it.
Am I a genius or what? Hey, Tom.
Where's Little Sebastian? Somebody left the gate open and he got out, Jerry.
What? What are you talking about? Unbelievable.
Another in a long string of miserable failures.
You lost Little Sebastian! I wasn't even here! Exactly.
You look for him.
I'm going to go tell everyone what you did.
The Harvest Festival starts at 9:00 a.
m.
tomorrow morning.
And as far as this reporter is concerned, it's well worth your time.
Come on down, everyone.
It's going to be sweet.
It pains me to say this, but great job here.
Thank you.
That went well.
Yeah.
It did.
Take that, curse.
Take that, curse.
Sorry? What is this about a curse? Curse? What? Nothing.
Did you Leslie! Leslie! It's Little Sebastian.
He's gone.
Jerry let him escape, and we don't know where he is.
Keep those cameras up.
We've got a new intro to do.
Gotcha.
Let's go ahead.
Let's get some shots of chipped paint and crying babies.
How about some of those spooky traffic lights? Okay, you know the drill.
Okay.
This is bad, right? This is way worse than that.
This is a huge government project, and it's already a lightning rod.
And then, you add the Wamapoke controversy.
Double lightning rod.
Plus, we lost that little pony.
It's a mini-horse.
And that's the third lightning rod.
Triple lightning rod.
And then, you have the curse.
Quadruple lightning rod.
God, now all the vendors are going to bail, and the ticket sales will go down.
Wait.
I'm sorry, but do people in this town really believe in curses? Oh, no, no, we all just behave rationally and believe we are all in charge of our own destinies.
Come on.
What the heck are we going to do? How did this happen? Maybe Little Sebastian got upset because he tried to share his true feelings with someone and they didn't reciprocate.
That's not bad.
Or maybe a balloon popped somewhere and it scared him, sent him running off.
Tom, Jerry, check the field behind the parking lot.
Andy, April, check the corn maze.
Good idea.
Horses love mazes.
Come on.
Hey, Leslie? This big, beefy dude just came into the first aid tent because he was dehydrated, and then, a reporter came in and asked if it was because of the curse.
No comment.
Did you say, "No comment"? You've got to say "No comment.
" I did.
Good, Ann.
You're so beautiful.
Beautiful Ann.
All right.
Well, just treat him and release him, and then, don't say anything to anyone about anything for the rest of the month.
Okay.
Okay.
Run, Ann, run! Leslie? You've got to see this.
Yeah.
Thank you for having me.
The fact is, this carnival is being held on top of an ancient Wamapoke burial site.
Much like the house in the movie Poltergeist? Exactly.
I spoke to Leslie Knope of the Parks Department about moving the carnival and she refused.
We do have exclusive animation of that event.
Let's take a look.
Oh, I love these things.
Sorry.
Is that what happened? Perd None of that happened.
That is exactly what happened.
All right.
All right.
What we do is we move the shooting gallery.
That seems to be their biggest problem.
Maybe that will make them happy.
Check back in with News Channel 4, number one in curse coverage.
You know how Indians call corn "maize"? This is why.
I never knew that.
Oh, my God.
I'm going to go look by myself.
Hey, are you alright? You seem super not happy.
I'm fine.
Oh, I forgot to tell you, I might be going to Venezuela tomorrow.
Forever.
You're not fine.
Ludgate, something is upsetting you.
Why don't you just go ahead and tell me what it is? I'm not mad at Andy.
Andy's great.
I awesome sauce Andy.
April! Left.
Look right.
Yeah, okay.
I don't know what's sicker, me or your body.
You aren't sick.
Maybe you should check out my abs.
Are you experiencing abdominal pain? Every day at the gym.
Eww.
Feel.
Oh.
What are you doing tonight? I think I'm going to have to pass.
Your loss.
Are you going to hit that? Him? He isn't exactly boyfriend material.
Who said anything about a boyfriend? Use him.
Abuse him.
Lose him.
Hey, hey, hey.
Did you find him? Yeah, Jerry.
He's right here in my pocket.
Damn it.
Ground mission failed.
We need a bird's eye view.
You want me to climb on top of the Ferris wheel? We're extremely confident that there is no curse, and everyone is going to have a great time tomorrow.
Okay? Wow.
First, Ice Town.
Now, this.
Bad luck really follows you around, huh? Okay.
I'd like to start by addressing some of the false rumors about the festival.
First of all, we have plenty of food.
There is no food shortage.
There are not, as one reporter suggested, dozens of escaped convicts meandering around the carnival.
And at no time was any Parks Department worker, quote, "feasting on petting zoo animals.
" You were in charge of watching a tiny horse, and you failed.
Look, I'm only going to say this once.
What if Little Sebastian is on this Ferris wheel? How about you only say that never? Leslie, how big of a disaster will this be on a scale of nine to ten? It will not be a disaster.
It will be a success.
And I want to let everyone know that, in an attempt to be sensitive to our Wamapoke friends, we have moved the shooting gallery, per their request.
So, yes, Perd.
Yeah, the statement that this reporter has is a question.
Will that be enough to lift the curse? Perd, you know as well as I do that there's no such God.
Crap on a spatula.
It's the curse.
That's exactly what it is.
You know what? Everyone, relax.
Please, we'll get this up and running in no time.
Well Jerry, what the hell? I didn't do this.
Jerry's fault.
Jerry's fault.
Jerry's fault.
Jerry's fault.
Jerry's fault.
Jerry's fault.
Jerry's fault.
We cannot catch a break.
Yeah, well, I'll help you out.
I'm going to go.
What? I feel like I'm jinxed or something.
What are you talking about? Look, you were totally fine until I got involved.
So, I feel like I should probably just go.
Okay? I'm really sorry.
I'm the curse, I think.
So, I'm going to get out of here.
All right? When they're missing this long, they're usually dead.
Well, if that's true, then you're going to have to answer to the whole town.
And God.
Okay.
You were the one who let him out, Tom.
Okay, now, stop trying to blame me.
Jerry, can you please be quiet? I can't hear myself not talking to Andy.
Ron, will you please tell me why April is mad at me? Ron, can you please tell Andy All of you, be quiet.
Andy, she's mad because you said "awesome sauce" instead of "I love you, too.
" April, he loves you.
Stop being a child.
Tom, you're clearly at fault here.
Blaming Jerry won't save you.
Jerry, we both know you were shotgunning funnel cakes instead of watching Little Sebastian.
So, everyone apologize to everyone else.
- I'm sorry, Tom.
- I'm sorry.
I do love you.
You do? Yeah.
That's what, you know, makes the sauce so awesome.
Jerry just farted.
I'm very upset.
I get nervous.
Hey, Leslie? Generator's shot.
No.
I got the T.
M.
K.
2500 specifically for the extra capacity.
Wow.
You know your stuff.
You single? Not now, Ed.
How could that happen? All those TV crews plugged in and overloaded it.
Okay.
How and where can I get a new one in, like, I don't know, now? There's only one place in town that has a generator that size.
You've got to be kidding me.
So, you need to borrow our generator? Ken, I am coming to you on my knees, begging for help, much like the early settlers of Pawnee begged the Wamapoke Now, but that was a A trick, and over 50 Wamapoke were slaughtered.
I know, but this is not a trick.
I am prepared to put the Wamapoke history exhibit inside the carnival grounds, right past the entrance turnstile, so that you have to look at it before you start having fun.
Now, that's interesting.
It's been really awesome looking at you.
Most carnival nurses are total grenades.
Okay, you're all set.
You are free to go.
Or you could stay here and make out with me until the lights come back on.
Hell, yeah.
Beat it, Donna.
Aye-aye, Captain.
I'm just trying to do something good for this town, and I'm trying to save my friends' jobs.
Can you help me out here? A Native American tribe making a deal with the government.
What could go wrong? You can have the generator, Leslie.
Thank you, Ken.
And I will issue a statement saying that the curse has been lifted.
Well, actually, I have another idea.
With that sacred ceremony, the Wamapoke curse has been lifted.
Wow.
Thank you.
Intense stuff from Ken Hotate.
And in other good news, he gave us a scare, but he's back now.
The one, the only, Little Sebastian.
We spotted him from the top of the Ferris wheel, at the center of the corn maze.
After the power came back on, we went and got him.
It took us four hours to solve that maze.
It took the horse 15 minutes.
Jerry's still out there.
I suppose I ought to go look for him.
Right after I get a bratwurst.
Welcome.
Come on in.
Have fun.
Thanks.
Enjoy yourself, ladies.
Hey.
Hey.
Look who's back.
I'm sorry I left.
I honestly felt like I was cursed or something.
Ice Town, and now, this.
Ice Town was a disaster, and it seems like it was probably your fault.
From what I can tell, you mismanaged the hell out of it.
Wow.
Why even say that already? But the point is, this project, this is as much yours as it is mine.
It's ours, and it's going to be really great.
And I'm glad you're here.
Wow.
Thank you.
Is this the guy? Yes.
This is him.
Ah, yes.
Special Wamapoke ceremony.
The curse has been lifted.
Wow.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Gosh, you're filthy.
Go clean yourself up.
Try to look professional.
Hello.
Enjoy yourselves.
Hey.
I like your necklace.
My God.
He is just the best ever.
You're the best ever.
But he's a close second.
Aren't you, Little Sebastian? He really is amazing.
You finally get it now, right? Hello? He's fantastic.
I totally get it now.
I don't get it.
At all.
It's kind of a small horse.
I mean, what am I missing? Am I crazy? Hey, Ben, you just missed it! He whinnied! Yeah.
No, I totally heard that.
It was great.