Portlandia (2011) s03e07 Episode Script

Now is the time It's our time Hey, shut this down! Uh, music off.
We gotta shut down this wedding.
Wait.
What's going on? Sorry, we've been getting a lot of complaints.
We're here to enforce the ban on gay weddings.
No.
No, no, we're straight.
Between the choreography and the dancing, this is one of the gayest weddings we've ever seen.
- Cartwheels-- I distinctly saw a cartwheel.
- Mm-hmm.
Yes.
And what about the father of the bride here? You know, I know the top hat never seems very gentlemanly, but it's kind of, uh, sort of in its own way a sort of grande madame.
He could be the very front of a parade.
Sorry for all the trouble that you clearly went through to plan this very, very gay wedding, but this is not going to happen.
I knew we should have gone with Aerosmith.
I am left with no choice but to step down as your mayor.
Hello? - Hi, this is the temp agency calling.
- Uh-huh.
We have a couple of city government positions today.
We've got comptroller, water commissioner.
I've been doing a lot of water commissioning stuff lately.
- Is there anything else? - Uh, hold on.
Oh.
It says here mayor of Portland just stepped down.
Need a temp to fill in.
Could lead to a full-time job.
Oh, hey, I'll take it.
Okay, I'll send you the details.
It'll probably start in the next few Hey.
Oh, hey.
Hey, I'm your new mayor.
Who are you guys? - I'm Fred.
- Carrie.
Are you guys city officials? We're friends of the mayor.
What's this ball? Oh, that's a chair.
They told me the mayor went nuts.
My suggestion is you don't say "nuts.
" I think our hope is that our mayor will be able to come back.
Hey, Sam? Yes? Could you take this? Oof! Oh, wow.
We like enthusiasm.
You know, Mr.
Mayor has tons of enthusiasm.
What happened to the guy? This is him right here.
That's a book he wrote.
Oh, that's why he's sitting on the ball.
- He's doing the core work.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
A lot of people talk about their core all the time, you know Don't want an unhealthy mayor with no core, - that's for damn sure.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So you've been all over the country, sort of on call everywhere.
This is my first interim mayor kind of position.
I'm just hoping it'll really work out to be something for me so I can get like, a, you know, permanent job, lay down roots and stuff.
Like my friend Tammy.
She went into El Paso and she was the temp mayor down there, and then the guy died-- The guy died? Yeah, he got killed.
Murdered.
But then she got promoted.
She got the full-time job.
She's really happy, got a good boyfriend.
He's, uh, Mexican, but that's cool.
He comes over the border, or she goes over the border to see him.
If something like that could happen to me, it'd just be so great.
We can set up an OK Cupid profile first thing.
Christian mingle.
You know? But I mean, of course I just want to do a good job for this city.
Have you ever been here before? Ever been to Portland? No, I've never been to Portland.
Would you mind taking me out so I could get a feel for the city? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- All right, - well, mind going now? - All right.
Let's tackle this mess! There's no mess, really.
Yeah.
So, anyway, it was actually excellent.
It was one of the best meals I've had in Portland.
Actually, I'm trying to place an order.
Yeah, let's take two decafs, you want a decaf? You want a decaf, Tingles? Welcome.
Thank you for coming to the meeting of baristas and coffee shop workers throughout the city.
We hereby begin a manifesto against customers and management.
These rules need to protect us as the artists that we are.
Just off the bat, one rule I can come up with is no talking when you come up to the counter.
Yeah.
I had a couple of idiots walk up to the counter the other day while I'm trying to sit there and look at them, and they're yapping away.
Rule number one-- no chatter at counter.
No bathroom use before you order.
Don't even knock on the bathroom door! Of course there's someone in there taking a huge shit.
- We make coffee! - Right.
Thank you.
That's selling out, man.
Also, you know what's another good rule? - No questions.
- Yeah.
"What's good here?" You know what's not good here? You! - What?! What?! - No no no! I'm saying-- a customer! Hey! - Okay, we'll just - The customer, not you! Be clear about that! That's not what we're here for! I apologize.
I meant in general, the customer.
You! That's another thing.
"Do we have anything sweet?" No.
We've just got these one boring little square sconey things.
You understand, fresh-baked goods over there? Leave it to the bakeries, friend.
Or are you not a friend? He's fine.
I can vouch for him.
Next, I think we can all agree, - absolutely no cell phones.
- No cell phones.
Yeah.
You know what? Shut your mouth! Me? Why me? Hey! Why do I need to shut my mouth? I want to speak! We're here to speak, all of us! No, man, I was talking about the customers.
Oh.
I thought because you were looking in my direction and you were raising your voice it was about me.
No.
I was representing the customer.
That was a figurative representation of a-- Nothing to do with you.
Maybe we should be more clear on that.
No, that's fine.
Let's get back to these rules.
I'm not gonna do that uniform thing.
You think you-- you think you're unique? Whatever.
Go ahead and look like everybody else in every other coffee shop, apron boy.
_ Hey.
You know the rules.
No personal literature or signage.
So why don't I just take that from you? There we go.
Also, the bathrooms are out of toilet paper, if you could look into that for me.
Thanks, Daniel.
Hi, I'm Alicia from the Portland Milk Advisory Board.
And I'm Royce.
She's my boss.
I don't consider it a demotion.
I consider it a promotion to something lesser.
And I'm gonna organize the holiday party.
Don't drink milk.
Just forget about milk.
We will come back to you when we have an alternative-- You! Come on! I'm just trying to put some spice-- I don't know.
We're gonna make some changes, so no more milk here.
And if you see us in the street, give us a firm handshake and say, "hey, y'all are all right.
" - Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- Hi.
We're gonna do two for lunch today? - Yes.
- Yep.
Okay.
Would you like to sit inside, outside-- - Outside.
- On the patio, then? Yes, please.
Sun is-- Yeah, just right in my eyes.
Am I gonna get a sunburn that's gonna be in the shape of my hand on my face? It is casting a shadow.
We could move you guys inside if you like.
Did Rosa Parks move? No.
I'm sorry.
Could we borrow those menus right there? If we could just build-- Put it towards you.
- Damn it! - This is great.
This is great.
This is fine.
Thank you.
There we go.
The sun is still coming in.
Oh, it is.
I can see it on your face.
Sir! - Hey, Ryan? Not working.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Let me just get this out of here then.
Hold on just a second.
- Watch my hair.
- Yeah.
- Do you have any sunglasses? Some shades? - This is ridiculous.
Is there anything inside? We've really gotten a lot busier.
We have our lunch.
We'd like to eat.
First available, right now.
- Okay, you want to go first available? - Yes.
You make my life bad.
Who puts us in the table by the sun? The penetrating heat! I lost my appetite.
And I'm starving.
That salad is delicious.
I bet it is.
I will do whatever it takes for you guys to-- My ears are hot.
I mean, what is that? How about this? You hold it up there, I'm gonna eat my meal and then we'll switch.
All right.
That's perfect.
Thank you.
This is a nice moment between us.
What? What's a "lolent"? This is a really great moment between us right now! Okay, right here.
Great.
You can get in the front.
Give you a good tour of Portland.
Oh boy, good.
I like the front.
This is Southeast Portland.
Oh, yeah? Jesus! A lot of people on bikes everywhere, right? - Yeah, a lot of bikes.
- It doesn't remind me of any other city that I've ever worked in or been to.
For instance, I was the comptroller in Dallas.
The had a lot of traffic there.
Uh-huh.
There's a car.
A lot of boutiques, yeah? Where's the malls and the big box stores? They're out in the suburbs.
That's cute! Look at that cute little girl's sweater.
I'm gonna get that for my granddaughter.
No, this place is for dogs.
This is all dog sweaters.
That is stupid.
You gotta admit.
Dogs.
Sweaters.
Stupid in a good way.
So this is, uh one of our popular movie theaters.
Rosemary's Baby.
That's a movie from the '60s, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
We have a lot of old movie houses in Portland that show art and ind-- How many screens they got in there? Just one.
When I was in Phoenix they had the multiplex theaters showing all the superheroes type thing.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Maybe one of these days, you know, on Tuesday or Wednesday, we'll go take you to a movie or something.
If I finish my work, sure.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Isn't that guy a little old to be on a skateboard? He's like 48 or something.
Skateboarding is sort of the golf of Portland.
People do it when they're older.
Yeah, but when you get to be his age, you gotta leave fun behind and start concentrating on retirement and that kind of stuff.
Hey, those are some cute frames.
I can always use new frames.
Those are for dogs.
I've been a lot of places, but nothing's like this.
I suppose.
You know, I'm really worried about people here, to be honest with you.
It seems like everybody's just lost in a dream world.
One thing.
Your airport is like only-- it's 20 minutes to and from.
That's not how cities are.
Cities are like you gotta go like an hour and a half to get to the airport.
I'm concerned because I have to answer to my temp agency and I'm trying to turn this into a job.
I like to help, you know? That's-- oh, thank you.
Uh, those are for dogs.
Okay.
Sorry.
She was a silent star of stage and screen a Hollywood movie star Hey, I gotta take off.
We all taking off? - What is that? - Taking off? Just trying to-- Where are you going? I've got-- I think it's-- what's the circle? Guys, I don't want to be late.
All right, sounds great.
You're being weird.
He's never had to go anywhere.
No.
None of us have.
_ I can't get this open.
Can you help me? I'll try.
Oh, hey! Let me help you out with that.
Thank you.
I'm thirsty.
Oh.
Thank you.
Oh.
Hey, I gotta take off again.
Catch you back later here.
I just don't understand why you keep running off to places.
You know how pretty you are? Do you have any idea how your hair flows? It's just I want to disappear into it.
Do I look like I'm lying? Yes.
- Yeah.
- Does it-- why? _ He went down this pathway and took a right on stark.
And then I saw this guy.
Hey.
Little squirrel! Isn't he cute? He's like a small cat.
You still don't know where Joaquin is, though, huh? I don't know where he is.
_ Where's Joaquin? There he is.
- Yes, let's go.
- Come on, let's follow him.
Oh my God! - You're doing good.
- Joaquin! No! Keep going, Joaquin.
Get those knees up.
Get 'em high, come on.
What is he wearing? What are those clothes? Who is that guy? This is Billy.
Hi, guys, I'm Billy.
What are you exercising for? Look, let me just explain.
My metabolism is slowing down and I feel like my body's changing and all we do is sit around.
It's starting to show.
Am I getting charged for this part of it? Yes, you are.
So I'm getting charged, so You're turning into this gross jock, and you're surrounded by all these dumbbells-- no offense.
You don't need anyone's approval.
I think I do.
It's great to have a professional lead you through exercise.
Show them how this one's done.
So you just get the knees up I can't watch this! I've never seen you do that.
I've never seen your body do that.
- Five - There we go.
_ I don't want to lose Joaquin.
Keep it up.
Get your heart rate going.
Let's go, class.
You're doing good! Drive those knees.
Hey, Billy, stop the music.
We thought a lot about it.
We can't go on without you.
We want to be with you.
That's what the important thing is.
So if you're different, if this is your new life, we accept you for who you are.
So happy to see you guys.
If you join this gym and I refer you, I get a 20% discount for June and July.
Right.
Two months.
Yes.
That's for my whole membership that whole time? Yeah, if you refer them.
What do you say? All right.
Yeah, for June and July we're running a promotion.
Hey, guys.
You won't believe what I found.
I was at the bookstore, and you when they leave scones at the counter? - Yeah.
- I'm looking around, and I turn around and I see this shelf that says "Staff Favorites.
" And look.
"Rats.
The City's Most Unwanted Inhabitants.
" God! "The Most Unwanted"? Sharks in the city.
Fine with everyone.
Here's a great one.
"Rats often bite young children and infants on the face because of the smell of food residues on the children.
" That makes us sound like we're an undiscerning species.
Actually we have very refined tastes.
It is really mean.
It's like the meanest book.
The whole staff loves it? They love this book.
Everyone's reading it? "We're staff.
This is our favorite.
" The only thing good about your book store is your scones.
Okay.
"Rats carry bacteria, viruses, mites, fleas, lice, and ticks.
" We carry mice? No, mites.
- Okay.
- Okay.
We might.
This book makes me so mad.
You know what we should do? We should write a book about people.
I don't think retaliation is the best method.
Think of what happened to Salman Rushdie.
He's dating models.
He's fine.
"People-- The Sounds And Screams Of The City's Most Idiotic Inhabitants.
" - Love it.
- Wonderful.
"By us rats.
" "People are idiots and fools and so dumb.
" That's pretty good.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Okay, what diseases do they carry? Every disease.
"People carry every disease.
They just carry them and give them to everyone else.
" They poop in water for no reason.
- Whatsoever.
- At all.
"And when they scream--" Every time I see people they're screaming.
Just glance at them and they're shrieking at the top of their lungs.
On that subject, I don't like this business of "quiet as a mouse.
" How about "quiet as a rat"? They don't say those complimentary things that I keep waiting * expecting.
That "wise owl" thing is bull.
I talked to this one owl, and I was like, "hey, I'm going down towards the forest.
Is there picnic place near there?" Duh, uh, I think-- They think that because they are just trying to talk slowly that they're thinking all the time.
That's an act.
"People, when they close their eyes, their eyes travel into their body, and look around their own body.
" We may as well say stuff.
That's how far they've gone.
"When people turn 30, their arms fall off and they replace them with branches.
" Publishing.
This is David.
I'm just checking in on a little book we sent, a little ditty about people.
Hold on a sec.
Let me find it.
"People.
" Yeah, we're gonna pass on this one.
Damn it! Why don't we publish it ourselves? Yeah, why should we count on them for anything at this point? I agree.
Let's do a DIY.
That was a daring mission.
You got it up there.
We are officially in a bookstore.
There's a lady with her son.
They're moving for it! He's looking at it.
Oh! Come on, kid, grab the thing.
He's getting it! He's getting the book.
It's only been up there a minute! Oh my God, you guys! All it takes is one kid and everything changes.
Have a scone and celebrate.
Let's do it.
Let's make some people scream! Guys, what is that? Are we being attacked? Let's go! What is going on? What the hell's going on? - I'm gonna call that mayor.
- Okay.
- Voice-- just a message.
- What? I think we should go down there and check it out.
This is I've never heard that before.
Let's go to city hall.
We'll be right back.
Okay! I'm just gonna go-- gonna check online! Cut the alarm.
Sorry I had to do that, but we had to wake everybody up.
Cities need to be active and busy or at least pretend to be.
What is she doing? I am available for full-time work and I hope you'll agree with some of my ideas for your city, sir.
Starting with coffee shops.
These are gonna be for drinking coffee only.
- That's not gonna go over well.
- No.
Forget the fake office and sitting there all day on the internet.
It's really a waste of time.
We need fewer bike lanes.
Riding a bike to work? That's completely stupid.
Let's use cabs, guys.
And more honking too.
Fine.
How about fewer businesses for dogs? How about that? - You need a lot less films and more movies.
- What? Like superheroes and such that people like to go to see.
You've got to have that pee smell.
- All your major cities, such as New York - That's awful.
No! they've got the pee smell, especially when it's hot and humid.
You've gotta have the pee smell.
You people are way too wi-fi obsessed.
The internet, sorry, is going off-- What? No! No! Oh! What? How? When did she have time to make a list like this? I don't know.
She needs to chill out.
Be a little less white, you know what I mean? Flip the bird and swear at people like they do in New York, Chicago I do miss the mayor.
I know.
Me too.
- Oh, I have an idea.
- What? So does anybody have any questions? Hold on a minute.
Hello? Hi, this is the temp agency.
Your job is done there.
Oh, really? Thanks.
You did a great job.
But you're done, so you gotta go real fast.
Wherever you are, step off the podium and walk away.
All right.
Thanks a lot.
Well, enjoy your city.
- Whatever - Wow, there she goes.
Nice work.
Thank you.
What now, though? Go.
Hello, you've reached the mayor's office of the city of Portland, Oregon.
The mayor is out indefinitely and the interim mayor didn't work out.
So leave a message.
Thank you.
I think that'll do it.
Things should go back to normal now, right? Yeah, I think.
I also really want to put on some pants.
Yeah, I want you to put on pants too.
Tonight, tonight put your hands up let me hear you shout to the rest of your life Oh.
Sorry.
I think I gotta take off pretty soon.