Reno 911! (2003) s03e07 Episode Script

mtv networks - Garcia! - Garcia! - Open the door! - Open up! - Garcia, a cyanide truck jack-knifed again! - Cyanide truck? - Put this on.
- Put it on! - Ok, where are we going? - Let's go, let's go! - Come on.
What did you put in there? - Ether.
- Aah! - Ha ha ha! - Give me 5! - Aah! [siren.]
- Why? - No, no.
- Go, go, go! - [crowd cheering.]
[machine gun firing.]
- ha ha ha! - Hey, where-- - oh! Oh! Oh! - Ooh! [siren.]
- Ok.
Two words.
Sounds like - First word.
- Watch, time Sounds like - Drive.
- Drive by.
- Car.
Time card.
- Time card.
- Time card! - Time card! - Internal affairs wants to see all of your time cards.
They're doing an investigation, and they're, uh, pretty pissed.
- Oh! - Hey, you're late.
- Yeah.
- All at prices so low and quality so high, It's got to be high sierra carpeting.
- Hold on.
- Right off I-80 at exit 57.
- You want us to buy carpet? - No.
- Great carpeting, better prices.
♪ and the installation is free ♪ - ♪ free ♪ [turns off radio.]
that was--that was me.
All: No! That's you? What?! - You're the installation is free guy? - I'm the high sierra guy, yeah.
- [all cheering.]
- Yeah! - Congratulations! - I know! I can't believe it, man.
I cannot believe it.
- Is that why I see all the bling-bling over there? What's the earrings all about? - Yee! Woo woo! - Stop.
Just come on.
Come here.
I got to show you something.
Just come here.
- Oh, my goodness! - Aah! - That is not your car.
- Black on black.
- How much do you get paid that you can afford this? - Hey, I'm gettin' paid $200 Every time my wonderful commercial comes on.
- Well, I heard it, like, - Yeah.
It's on, like, every 90 seconds.
Yeah, blah blah blau! Blah blah blau! - Dude! Wow! - Hey, open it up! - Look out, look out, look out.
Open the car for jonesy.
[beep.]
All: Ohh! - Oh, yes.
- You know, you got a thing in your pocket or something.
- No! - It's voice-activated? - Ok, yeah.
No, I do.
I got it.
- Oh.
- I'm huggin' a star.
Look at that.
- I'm gonna get on this side.
Hey, jonesy sandwich.
- No, don't--she's on me.
- A jonesy sandwich.
- I don't want her on me! - And I don't want to be hugged, like, everybody, ok? Just calm down.
- Ok.
We're all adults.
- Bang! - Jeez! God! - Bang! - Jim.
- I'm just goin' through it again in my head.
How do you get 3 shots off on a man with two guns? And why do you bring him delicious, piping hot arby's Right before you're gonna blow him away? How can juan-- don't touch that, trudy! - Jim.
- Put it back.
- The first rule-- - Put it back.
Let's go from the top, ok? - Don't mind me.
I'm just doing cocaine.
- Hey, rico.
- Hey.
- What you doin' with my blow? - Just snortin' it.
- I went out to get you a delicious, piping hot Arby's roast beef sandwich, And I find out you're doin' my blow while I'm gone? - Jim, this makes your mouth numb.
- Don't do that for real.
From the top.
- Ok.
Places! Ha ha.
Ok.
I'm sorry.
- Oh, hey, rico, I'm back.
I'm actin' casual.
I'm bein' cool.
Nothin's up.
Nothin's up at all.
All I did was go get some delicious, piping hot arby's.
I see you're jacking off in this scenario.
Ok, well, I got a delicious beef and cheddar for you And, boom! You're goin' downtown.
Last time you were short on the count, motherfucker.
- Monkey roll, monk-- - ok, that's a trajectory.
It's ok, keep goin', keep goin'.
- Ok.
- 1, 2, 3.
And I thought I'd bring you a little peace offering, Some delicious arby's.
Go back--no, no, no.
No, no, no.
This never happened.
- Oh.
- This never happened that we know of.
You go back on ca-- no.
Go back.
- You said back.
- Rico.
- Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
- Great carpeting, better prices.
- ♪ and the installation is free ♪ - ahh! Ha ha ha ha ha! - Whoo whoo! - Yeah.
- Yeah! - Ha ha.
That's me.
- That's him.
- That's me, timothy.
- That's you? - Yeah.
That was my commercial.
♪ and the installation is free ♪ - Oh, hell, no! That was you? - Yeah, mm-hmm.
- Oh, man.
Hey, man, you think, like, When I get out or something, we could do something together? - Why--are you--you-- you in the industry? - Yeah, man! You can't tell I know suge? Man, that's crazy, man-- - Y'all don't understand! - I rap, too.
- You do? - Yeah.
I rap! ♪ I saw somebody, I killed him, too ♪ ♪ he tried to run from me, so then I killed him ♪ ♪ and then he tried to run, I shot him, killed him ♪ ♪ kill him, run, I shot him ♪ ♪ don't run, don't run again, punk ♪ ♪ don't run again, punk, don't run again, punk ♪ - That didn't rhyme, man.
♪ and the installation is free ♪ Ta ta tee tee ta ta You use your diaphragm.
Ta ta-- - My girlfriend wore a diaphragm, I still got a baby.
- Hi, rico.
I just got back with that delicious arby's You asked me to get.
- Thanks for the arby's, juan.
- I'm clean, man.
- I'm gonna have to check it out.
- Check all you want.
Ok, check other places.
- This is probably what he would do.
- Ok, don't--hey, trudy, trudy.
Ok.
Ok, we get it.
We get it, ok? Disfrute, rico.
Disfrute.
- There's over $1,000 here.
- Pay attention for 5 fucking seconds.
That's not important.
So you have-- - [fake spanish.]
tengala caya para bullshit! Fucking maya, oh! Monkey roll, monkey roll, monkey roll.
Jim, you got to act out what you thought it was.
- I know.
I agree, But you didn't do the part that I asked you to do, ok.
- What part? - Hey, enjoy.
It's my little gift-a to you, ok? You have a nice time.
Eating arby's eating arby's, eating arby's, eating arby's.
Boom! - Monkey roll, monkey roll, monkey-- - Uh, I was gettin' to poison, not monkey roll.
- Oh.
- Poison.
And now that I've poisoned you, I'm gonna send a message to all the other capos and jefes, And it's gonna go like this--bam, bam, Shoot the man who's already dead.
That's it.
[whispering.]
hey, travis.
F.
B.
I.
- F.
B.
I.
? - Yes, I can hold.
I'm on hold with the f.
B.
I.
We got it.
We cracked it.
- You cracked it? You figured it out? - Yeah.
Already dead.
- Already dead? - Poisoned.
- Why'd they shoot him 3 times? - Message to the other jefes.
- Ah, that makes sense.
- Message.
That's to send a message.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Yeah? - What are you doin'? - It's evidence.
- No, remember? Before I put the tape up, I got arby's.
You said you were gonna come in, I should leave you Some delicious arby's on the table Cause you wanted some arby's, too.
It's cold, though.
You guys have been in here for like 7 hours.
- Shit.
I hope they don't have caller I.
D.
[sigh.]
the f.
B.
I.
Probably has caller I.
D.
, right? [cell phone rings.]
- I would think.
- They're callin' back.
Great.
- Yeah, let's sing that again.
- [with commercial.]
♪ and the installation is free ♪ - You're fucking butchering it, all right? You are butchering my shit.
- Did pretty good, man.
- Thank you.
- No, don't give him none of that! No gap, all right? You're fucking butchering my song.
- Butcherin' it? So you tryin' to pin somethin' else on me! ♪ timothy, you don't want to see me kill you, do you ? ♪ ♪ because it'll be the last thing you see ♪ ♪ when you close your eyes and you see timothy ♪ ♪ creepin' in your bedroom, shoot you in your face ♪ ♪ right in the face, no other place ♪ ♪ can't be erased, can't be replaced ♪ ♪ it's just me, timothy, shoot, shoot, kill, kill ♪ ♪ I kill the cops all the time and everybody ♪ What-- - What you do? You do what? [siren.]
[siren, gunshot.]
[commercial on radio.]
- ho! Ho, ho, ho! Here it comes.
- Good carpeting, better prices.
- ♪ and the installation is free ♪ - wow! That is awesome.
- I know.
- That is so good.
- I'm blessed.
- So the deal is like everybody, they're gettin' calls sayin', "hey, we love that voice.
It's so beautiful, you gotta make a tv commercial.
" That's what they're sayin'? - That's what--apparently, yeah.
- That's so cool.
- You want one of these? [dispatcher on radio.]
- No, I'm all right.
- Uh - Oh, yeah, cool.
Thanks, man.
From the high sierra carpet man.
Cool.
I'm just gonna save it And tell people when they ask, "where'd you get that?" "oh, my homey does high sierra carpet's" - Well, I mean, you can chew it now.
You don't--I mean - But I want to save it.
- You know the high sierra carpeting man, So go ahead and you can chew it.
- Well, what if I run into somebody and then I'm like, "oh," And it leads to a good, casual conversation.
They're like, "mmm, hey, jim, where'd you get that gum?" "oh, you know, I was hangin' out with my homey.
You probably know him.
He does the high sierra carpet commercials.
He sings and the installation's free," And then they'll freak out.
It'll be cool.
- I mean, I have more.
You can do it now.
- Well, can I have some to have And then some to talk about you later? - Yeah.
- Cool.
- So you can have it now? - I'm gonna save 'em both.
- All right.
- Sheriff's department! - We are responding to a 911 call.
Shots have been fired.
- Sheriff's department! Well, hell.
[shots.]
- What [indistinct.]
? [spits.]
- ho.
- Dutch boy.
- Thank you for coming, officers! [paintball gun firing.]
- oh, shit! Ow! - Damn it! - [shouting and shooting.]
- Holy shit! That stung like a-- spotter 2-in-one compact.
- 2-in-one 68 caliber, semi-automatic.
The thing'll fire about 200 shots a second.
- No mercy! - Let's go.
Let's go.
Come on, now.
Come on! - When you fuck with me, you fuck with my family! So fuck you! - Holy shit.
- [men shouting war cry.]
- all right, we're gonna give you just one last chance.
Lay down your weapons-- [paintballs firing.]
- Shit! God damn it! - [men shouting, [garcia and junior screaming.]
[multiple war cries.]
- 911, the police need help! The police need help.
Come on, 911.
- [junior screaming.]
Holy shit! - Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you for responding.
[war cries.]
- Attack! Attack! [all shouting at once.]
- Aah! Where you goin?! Aah! Aah! Aah! - Bye.
Bye.
[siren.]
[dispatcher drones on radio.]
- I've got you.
Oh, damn! Get him, get him, get him.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- Ok, hold it, hold it, hold it.
It's a dead end.
We'll both lower our voices.
Lower your voice and say-- and say, [deep voice.]
"go ahead, make my day.
" Then, boom--kick the door in.
- That's tacky.
I'm not saying that.
I'm not saying that.
- What you mean you're not sayin' it? - Say something original.
Say, "you're goin' down, syndrome!" Pssshew! Hitch kick.
- No, no, no.
Ooh, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok.
"mama's gonna teach you a lesson.
" - It's long, but I like to call myself mama, So let's do that one.
That's fine.
Ok.
- 1, 2, 3.
- Mama's gonna teach you a lesson! - I'm gonna teach you something! I'm mama! - What the hell?! [banging on gate.]
it's locked.
- Joe, are you out there? Joe? - We take you now live to the reno sheriff's department.
- My butt itches.
[siren wailing.]
- Reoww, reoww, reoww, reoww, reoww Both: Reoww, reoww, reoww, reoww, reoww, reoww, reoww, Ooo-wee-ooo-wee- ooo-wee-ooo-wee.
- Rrrr-rrrr-rrrr - You're real good at sound effects.
- Rrrr-rrrr-rrrr.
Both: Woooooooooo-wooooooooooo wooooooooo - [emphatic whisper.]
psst! Hey.
Hey, you're on the air.
- Woooooooooo - You're on the air! - What'd you do? - Oh, I don't-- good--good afternoon.
I don't know which one to talk into.
[siren.]
[siren, gunshot.]
- How you doin' today, sir? - I'm all right.
- You know why I pulled you over? - No.
- You was driving all over the road back there Like some kind of goddamn maniac.
- Bullshit.
- Bull--you step out the vehicle, sir.
- Huh? - Step out the vehicle.
- All right.
Hang on.
- Missed me.
- "you are cordially invited to the world premiere "of the new high sierra carpeting commercial Featuring your pal jones.
E.
" And he signed it jones.
E.
- Oh, goin' with the middle initial now.
- That's classy.
[laughter, cheers, applause.]
- Can I get your autograph? - Oh, I don't know.
I don't know about that.
Maybe.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here To witness a star being born.
A star who will shine for many, many, many, many, many leagues.
And this moment is almost as big as I am, And I have some important people that I want to thank.
[all cheer.]
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- First and foremost, you, kiki.
The woman I met 3 days ago on-- It was a boat of love, a, uh A cornucopia ofDoin' it.
And I am so glad that you are in my life.
♪ I love you ♪ ha ha ha.
I love this bitch.
And so let's make a toast to me.
- Jonesy! - Look, everyone! It's on! - Oh! Oh! - It's gotta be high sierra carpeting.
Right off I-80 at exit 57 - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Here comes me! Here I come.
- Better carpeting, better prices.
♪ and the installation is free ♪ - Where were you in it? - Maybe that's the second version of it.
I-- Baby? Kiki! Baby girl, come here! That turtle didn't even look like me! - Sounded good, though.
- Hey! Jones! Yeah! Saw the commercial.
Hey, what happened, dude? You went with that? Well, what happened to me? Camera ready.
Ok.
Um, what happened-- I've only gotten one payment.
$200.
What happened-- I haven't even gotten all my checks, so One time.
Ok.
[beep.]
- That's all? That's it? - That's it.
- Oh, shit.
Hey, did he pay for all this cristal? - Emergency! Emergency! - Sir, there's just been a 911 call in the vicinity.
We'll be right back to pay that bill.
Sheriff's department! [siren.]
[siren, gunshot.]
- You've got insurance and everything From places like this? Yeah.
All right.
He's breathing, though, right? - Yeah, he's alive.
- So what exactly did you do to that poor boy? About how much does that run? Oh.
All right.
Uh, dangle, we need to wrap this up, And I probably need to get to a cash machine.
- Oh, wait a minute.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Lordy, lordy.
Ok.
Well, ollie, ollie, all come free, huh? Hey.
- What?! - I'm glad you're safe, ok? Ok? - [crying.]
- hard night, I know.
Your girlfriend left you-- - [crying.]
I'm ruined! - No, you're not ruined.
- James, I'm ruined! Everyone hates me! - Nobody hates you, ok? We all love you.
- They all hate me! Trudy threw a bottle at me.
- I know.
Well, don't worry about trudy.
She doesn't matter anyways, ok? - I'm a turtle now! I am useless! - Well, that's you! - No, it's not! I'm not a turtle! That shit doesn't look like me.
- You brought that.
- You know what it means to love something--somebody? Kiki! - Kiki was a whore.
- Have you ever fucked somebody for 3 days in a van? Huh?! Have you?! What happens to a man when his dream is deferred? - Your dream's right there.
- No, it's [bleep.]
! That fucking turtle, I'm gonna fuck you up! Aah! It didn't fuckin' break! [crying.]
- Let me tell you something.
In my book, you made it.
You're like the astronauts that went to the moon.
Maybe you didn't get out like neil armstrong, But you made it to the moon, my friend.
How many people get to dance with the stars? Huh? You got to dance with the stars.
Tell ya, I don't know what I would've done If I would've lost you to hollywood.
I mean, I'm happy for the success you might've had, But I would've lost a good friend, and a partner, And, dare I say, somebody I think of as Maybe a brother of mine.
A brother I never had.
And if there's any good news to this, I guess it's that we could still continue to be partners.
- I wanna go to a strip club.
- You wanna go to a strip club? - Y-y-yes.
mtv networks Captioned by the national - Oh.
Hey.
How you doin'? Boy, I sure learned a lot this week.
A lot about friendship And keeping your feet on the ground.
Ha ha.
If you'd like to learn a little bit more about voiceover work And/or law enforcement, Why don't you check out your local library? I'm sure they'll be able to help you out.
[chuckles.]