Run the Burbs (2022) s03e07 Episode Script

1
- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- (ANDREW MUTTERING)
Are you done fiddling with your gadgets?
Because I do have something
I would like to say.
No, I'm still getting the
hang of this new system.
What lighting says "happy retirement"?
Orange, like a sunset.
- Oh.
- Oops.
Okay, happy retire
Oh, yeah, I think that
they just ran out of room.
So, you retire and
all you get is a rock?
Apparently, it's a paperweight.
Okay, I have something to say.
Oh, no, no, no, wait! Dad, put on music!
- Play some Boner Boys!
- Oh, very casual with that word.
Working on the music!
No. No more production,
please. I wanted to say
(LOUD RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
Ahh! Oops.
I still have to figure
out this new system.
- One sec!
- (MUSIC STOPPING)
You know, let's sing.
- KHIA: Oh, okay.
- Ahh ♪
(ALL HARMONIZING)
For he's a jolly good Nanaji ♪
For he's a jolly good
Nanaji, for he's a ♪
Stop, stop, stop.
He left.
Can we have the cake now?
PARENTS: Yeah.
Yes!
♪
Leo! Dinner's ready!
Khia's late again.
RAMESH: Maybe she doesn't
feel heard in this family,
so she left forever.
Do you have something to say, dad?
No. Whatever.
I'm going to the basement.
And don't follow me.
I wasn't going to.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Welcome home, Khia.
Late for dinner again.
I was at the library.
Oh, look me in the eyes, Khia,
and, uh, tell me why you smell like
(SNIFFING) What is that?
strawberry vanilla mango mint?
Do they allow vaping at the library now?
I was at a candle-making workshop.
Candle making? Oh, that's a new one.
(LAUGHING) I'm watching you, Khia.
(SQUEALING HAPPILY) It's time.
Get the rebellion kit.
Man, I thought she was
going to skip over teen angst
and sail right through into
well-adjusted adulthood.
I have to say,
her lying skills are right
on par with mine at that age.
She definitely didn't get them from me.
Remember when our dentist asked
if I liked her micro-bangs?
You mean, the time we
had to find a new dentist?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
What do we have in our kit? Ooh!
Earplugs.
For all the angsty music.
Nice. Okay.
Silk pyjamas.
Well, if we have to
stay up late worrying,
we might as well look cute.
Mmm
Give me your best 'I'm not
mad, I'm disappointed face.'
- (SIGHING)
- That's just confused.
Bit more disappointed.
That's math is hard.
A bit more brow.
- That's it.
- Okay, now, you go.
Okay. Hmm
Yeah, close.
Yeah, bigger eyes.
Give me some more eyes.
- (SIGHING)
- That's it!
So, was there a reason you came by?
We can't visit our
child without a reason.
- Aw
- We know about the will.
- What?
- Mr. Hua mentioned
it's time for you and
Camille to update your will.
Isn't it a breach of confidentiality
for our lawyer to share
info between clients?
No such thing as confidentiality
between a mother and her son.
Mr. Hua told us
we are not the guardians
for your children.
So, if you were to die
and Camille were to die
Like in a car crash. Or tornado.
Or a car stuck in a tornado.
You need to stop rewatching Twister.
Never.
If something happened, the
kids would go to Ramesh.
The better idea is us.
We will raise them right.
We're excellent
parents. We raised Carol.
Well, uh, parenting has changed a lot.
These days, we don't insult
our kids every time we see them.
So, you think Ramesh is better?
(RAMESH SIGHING)
Most of the time,
Ramesh is very responsible
and emotionally mature.
Don't we have any good snacks?
Yeah, I'll think about it.
- (GAME CHARACTER GROANING)
- So, you're Khia's confidant.
You must be hearing some
pretty juicy stories.
That would be a breach of
confidentiality, wouldn't it?
Oh, come on. My baby is rebelling.
As my best friend, give me a nugget,
a nugget of a nugget.
Okay, fine. You want to know the truth?
There's nothing to report.
Khia's not rebelling, like, at all.
Okay, but she said
she was making candles.
Oh, what? You mean these?
Strawberry vanilla mint.
My purse smells like the shampoo aisle.
What? My baby is making actual
candles at the actual library?
Oh, I knew that that perfect
attendance award was a red flag.
So what? Your kid's not rebelling.
- Isn't that, like, a good thing?
- No!
Teen rebellion is a
developmental milestone.
If Khia doesn't rebel now,
it'll bottle up and burst out,
and then the next thing you know,
she will be midlife-crisising herself
into remortgaging her
house for a trip to Vegas
with a lover she found
off of Craigslist.
Craigslist?
Oh, God, you haven't dated in
a long time or watched Dateline.
Sam, focus.
Okay, well, you make a good point.
I mean, you rebelled hard
and you're super chill now.
My rebellion was mild at best,
and frankly, that Vegas
idea sounds pretty appealing.
Strong rebellion equals
well-adjusted adult.
It is a science probably.
I mean, whatever
happened to peer pressure?
- You know?
- (GAME CHARACTER GROANING)
- Yeah.
- MALE VOICE: Number one wins.
If her peers won't be a
bad influence, we have to,
you know, before it's too late.
LEO: Khia, did you take my console?
Crap. Okay. Hide, hide, hide, hide!
Two seats, you and me ♪
Yeah that ♪
(CHATTERING)
Hey.
Your usuals?
Um, actually, we will
try something different.
Because it's important to experiment.
Yes.
Why don't you give us the, uh
Wildest thing on the menu?
Okay.
SAM (QUIETLY): Nice.
(QUIETLY:) You ready
to be a bad influence?
- So ready.
- Okay.
(NORMAL VOLUME:) So,
you know (CHUCKLING)
I used to skip school all the time.
All I did was
(SPEAKING LOUDLY:)
forge my dad's signature
to get out of class.
Me, too, and all it
took was learning how to
forge my parents' signature.
- So, you looked at it.
- Yep.
Copied it.
I took it and I forged it.
Okay, so, it's two cucumber bubble teas
with a pump of every syrup on tap.
Enjoy your experiment.
Oh, we will. And I'll
just sign the receipt here.
- Oh, you don't have
- No, no.
You enjoy, daughter.
Okay.
- SAM: Nice.
- Oh, we are doing it.
We are doing it. (CHUCKLING)
(METAL CLANGING)
Don't tell me she just threw it out.
She did.
Okay, I am destined to have
a midlife crisis daughter.
No, no. Hey, look at me.
That's not happening, not today.
Hey, Khia?
What do you say you skip work
and you come with us
and have a little fun?
I mean, I can ask Cathy.
No, no, no, don't ask. Just do it!
BOTH: Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah!
- Ooh! Oh, yeah.
- (RAP PLAYING ON PHONE)
- What what are you doing?
No, I have my coffee house
classical playlist going.
Come on, Khia, loosen
up, have a little fun.
SAM: Counter-twerking!
Reckless!
Tap that! Tap it! Tap it!
Tap it! Tap it!
You need this?
Klepto!
Ooh, I'm gonna vandalize!
Okay, I don't know what is
going on with the two of you,
but if this is some sort
of mid-life crisis moment,
can you please take that outside?
(MUSIC STOPPING)
She's impenetrable.
CAMILLE: Hmph.
Let's get the hell out of here.
That was a waste.
let the good times roll ♪
Why didn't we create a kit
in case Khia didn't rebel?
Why is she so mature?
Ugh!
(RAMESH CHUCKLING)
Who are you texting, Dad?
No one. (CHUCKLING)
Okay.
So, um, about your parents' offer
to be the kids' guardian,
they are keen, but they're also
Old fashioned, emotionally
distant, shoes as weapons.
ANDREW: Exactly.
I had a good childhood,
but some of the nuances of
Asian immigrant parenting
wouldn't fly today.
Hmm. What do you think, dad?
Whatevs. Ugh.
What is up with him?
ANDREW: I don't know.
Since his retirement,
he's a real party pooper.
Party? (GASPING)
That's it.
I just need to get Khia
to throw a house party.
How about we don't force our
perfect angel child to be terrible?
Or I like my idea better.
Okay, what about my idea?
I put my parents through
a series of tests,
using my worst childhood memories,
to see if they can do it
better this time around.
I will support your bad
idea, if you support mine.
See? That's why I love you.
CAMILLE: Yes.
♪
This was the cool
plan you roped me into?
Recreating your childhood
trauma with your parents?
LINH: So, why are we here?
Me, Ba, this is your chance
to prove you have what it takes
to raise the kids.
Leo, you get to play young me:
funky fresh. Your first test:
teaching me badminton.
We never taught you badminton.
Exactly, you didn't teach me
the national sport of Asians,
so I got messed up by other Asians.
So sorry, we were busy
feeding and clothing you.
To be guardians, you'll
need to teach the kids
new things and promote
an active lifestyle.
You were active. Remember,
I made you clean the gutters.
I was eight.
Exactly. We started you young.
(PEN WRITING)
All right, in position.
- Ready, Leo?
- Yeah.
Cut!
Leo, you're supposed to be bad.
You're playing young
Andrew Pham. I was bad.
(SIGHING) That's like asking
a pro singer to sing off-key.
It's very hard, Dad. Oh, nice.
A-ha!
No bribes. Bad parenting.
- LINH: No, it's okay.
- Try it again.
Oh, my poor coordination!
(GROANING) My budding gout!
Your sister can do it. Why can't you?
Cut! First off, Leo, too real.
Me, do you see the problem there?
That always worked on you as a kid.
Comparing me to Carol
only made me resent her.
Try again.
Encourage sweet baby boy Andrew.
You can do it.
Rock and roll.
Okay.
Oh!
Where do my hands go?
(GROANING) My gout arm!
That's not a thing, Leo.
(LINH SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
(SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
All right, all right! That's enough.
(SIGHING)
So, did we pass?
God, I love parties -
the possibilities, the regrets.
Do you think we should decorate?
Too far.
Oh, good point. Okay.
Khia, could you come down here a minute?
- Looks great.
- Thank you.
- CAMILLE: Looks nice.
- Hey.
Hey. Where are you going?
I'm volunteering for
garbage pickup at the park.
That's lovely, but more importantly,
we left a half-empty bottle
of vodka on the table here.
Um, could you get rid
of it before you go?
- What do you want me to do
- I don't care
what happens to it. Just
get it out of my sight!
And just so you know,
the house will be empty
for four to five hours.
Just you alone in this house.
All right, bye.
(DOOR OPENING, CLOSING)
- She took it.
- (GASPING, SQUEALING HAPPILY)
You are such a good mom.
Oh, thank you.
ANDREW: Test two - homework help.
You ready, little Andrew?
Locked and loaded, baby.
These are the same supplies
used to build my submission
to the grade eight model
airplane competition -
a core trauma for me.
But you won that competition.
Did I? Or did you rebuild it
while I was sleeping, so you could win?
(SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
You made me feel like
anything I did on my own
wasn't good enough, that
I wasn't good enough.
Okay, maybe you were right.
Give us a chance. We can do better.
You have one hour to help
little Andrew do his homework.
- Help.
- (TIMER BEEPS)
Okay, just helping.
My brain's not smart enough
to build a stupid plane.
Rein it in, fella.
DANH: Good job, little Andrew.
Keep trying.
No, not there.
I mean, do you think it should
go a little further back?
Are you building a plane
that has been in a crash?!
DANH: Okay, next page.
(LEO SIGHING)
Oh, shoot, my tablet's being weird.
Try again and yell at it.
- Stupid computer! Come on!
- Bang on it. Bang on it.
Cut, cut.
That's all I needed to see.
Part of the test was letting Leo fail.
The other part was keeping your cool
when you were bad at something.
And there we go.
You tricked us.
- I tested you.
- I hate this game!
Oh, it's not a game, it's parenting.
Dad? Dad?
Dad!
What?
We're leaving, remember?
We're supposed to be out tonight.
That's tonight?
I had plans.
What plans?
Never mind.
Okay, Khia, we're going.
Yeah.
Be good now.
Good, got it.
Ooh, pizza.
CAMILLE: Don't wait up.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Hi. Could I place an order, please?
Welcome to your final
test: emotional support.
Remember my first heartbreak?
No.
Because you ignored my emotions.
They were a waste of time.
Parents of today care about
their child's emotions.
They console them. Let's see how you do.
And action.
(SOBBING)
I was in love.
It was real.
- Okay, that's enough now.
- DANH: You are 13.
You don't know what love is.
Support his emotions.
Move on, little Andrew.
She's dead to you.
Be gentler, kinder.
(WHISPERING:) She's dead to you.
(LEO SOBBING)
Little Andrew, heartbreak
is like a river,
it flows every season.
But when there's a fork in the water,
you have to paddle to shore and
Stop! What are you even saying?
I'm trying to be like
the white dads on TV.
They love metaphors.
Oh, yeah, they do love metaphors.
Ah! There we go.
"Come through the laundry room
window for a special surprise."
(CHUCKLING)
Ramesh, you naughty boy!
(SIGHING)
You like my flavour but you
can't stand the aftertaste ♪
(ROCK PLAYS OVER HEADPHONES)
You wanna savour and you
never let it go to waste ♪
CAMILLE: (GASPING) The window's open.
(SAM TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
I feel like I'm 16,
sneaking into a bar again.
Same. But replace bar with church.
I was a sucker for the hymns.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
- (DOOR OPENING)
- BOY: Hey, are you Khia?
(WHISPERING:) Ahh!
She invited strangers over. Yeah!
BOY: Here's your one small pizza.
Wait. Is she not having a party?
Pizza for one? Who even does that?
- Dude, your dad's here.
- What?
I don't know what he's up
to, but I don't want to know.
Let's go. Let's go.
- (THUDDING)
- (YELPING)
WOMAN: Little help here.
- CAMILLE: Uh uh
- (WOMAN STRAINING)
- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?
WOMAN: My coat is stuck.
I'm losing circulation.
- Don't just watch me!
- CAMILLE: Oh, okay.
WOMAN: Whoo! Watch where your hands are.
CAMILLE: Oh, I know
those muscular calves.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Barb is this a booty call?
Good to see you, Camille.
And what's your name?
(STAMMERING)
Sam. Sam.
ANDREW: No, you can't
just fight the girl's dad!
Here, eat, eat!
Those candies always taste like purse.
Me, don't just teach
him to eat his feelings.
- (PHONE VIBRATING)
- Well, what can we do?
Hug him! Ask him how he feels!
Tell him his feelings are
real and it's gonna be okay!
How hard would it have been
for you just to be there for me?
Uh, Dad? Are you okay?
- Uh
- (PHONE VIBRATING)
Honey, don't fall for it.
It's probably another test.
(PHONE VIBRATING)
Dad? Have you seen these?
ANDREW: The basement
window's been broken into.
Camille said she was leaving
Khia home alone. My baby girl!
Taken!
Stop re-watching these movies!
You both shut up! Mommy has
a very special set of skills.
Leo, start the car!
No, no, no, no, no.
You can't be here, Barb.
Do not tell her where
she can and cannot be.
It is time to listen to me for a change.
You should both leave.
Oh, we're actually trying to
make sure a wild party happens.
Oh, I thought this was supposed
to be a quiet night at home.
- It is.
- Well, it's not.
And why are you sneaking around anyway?
M-Y-O-B.
"Mind your own business", right?
- LINH: Khia, are you okay?
- KHIA: I'm fine.
DANH: Check the basement
for the break-in.
- RAMESH: Break-in?
- What?
Oh, God. No, no.
Wait, Barb? Did you break in?
No, I was invited here
Uh, through the window.
What? I thought that you all left.
I peed with the door open
and I practiced my Chewbacca.
I did all of the raps to Hamilton.
BARB: Yeah. I heard you from outside.
Your flow needs some work.
Really? (SIGHING)
Okay. I need answers.
CAMILLE: Her disappointed
face is so good.
Oh so, good.
Mom, please explain.
Well, you weren't rebelling
like a normal teen,
and so I tried to get you
to throw a house party,
and now that I'm
hearing it out loud, I
I hear how weird it sounds.
(SIGHING) Look, I don't need to rebel.
You two accept me for who I am.
There's nothing to rebel against.
See, honey? We're already perfect.
(SCOFFING) No.
You're far from perfect.
Yeah. Let's say that you're
good parents with bad moments.
(SIGHING) You're right, Khia.
Me, Ba, I took it too far today.
We have our flaws, we know that.
We wish we could have been
everything you wanted us to be.
You know what?
You were adjusting to a new
country while raising kids.
That had to have been tough.
You can say that again, bub.
And why have you been so moody lately?
And what's up booty-calling Barb?
I like to think of myself
as the booty caller,
not the booty callee.
I just wanted to feel
good after a crappy week.
I tried to tell you
I was forcibly retired.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
We had no idea.
See? You are not perfect either.
You two were incredible
at how you jumped into
action to help Khia tonight.
We'd happily list you as
joint guardians with Ramesh.
Thanks, Con, but this is too much work.
We don't want this job.
Are you kidding me?
Happy to remain your just-in-
case-of-emergency grandparent.
So, is this booty getting called or ?
RAMESH: Ah, yes.
I believe it's time for
everyone to leave now.
- KHIA: Yep.
- RAMESH: Thank you.
- CAMILLE: Immediately. Yes.
- BARB: Bye. See ya. Bye.
ANDREW: We're gonna go, we're gonna go.
BARB: Bye, bye, bye.
- Close the door
- (RAMESH STRAINING)
because we're gonna be noisy.
I did bring the glow sticks.
Uh, baby oil. Should I
Oh, uh, what scent are
you gonna make today?
Oh, I'm not sure. I was
thinking maybe lilac,
cardamom, lemon, rose.
The old more is more approach.
- Okay, well, have fun.
- Yeah.
We're, like, really good parents.
CAMILLE: Hella good parents.
ANDREW: We know what they're doing,
they know what we're
doing, open communication.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Oh, hey. You got the goods?
Yep, right here.
I'm just glad you found
a use for Barb's gifts.
You tell somebody you
like a candle one time
Anyways, I am going to have
to cut things off with her.
Oh, yeah?
It was an unhealthy backslide,
even if it was
physically very rewarding.
Mm, nope. I don't need to hear that.
Khia,
I do hope we get to meet
this mystery girl one day.
Her name is Valentina.
Have fun on your date.
Thanks, Nanaji.
I like it! ♪
♪