Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s03e07 Episode Script

Would you rather have your nose be a foot long or your foot be a nose long? That is a good one.
When are you going to turn these into a book? I told you, I will help with the proposal.
He's coming.
Quick! Oh! It arrived.
Wonderful.
Is it assembled properly? Huh? Did you double check? - Yes.
- Not yet.
Yes.
Now, again.
Let's make sure the trip to Los Angeles didn't damage it.
Janko Why don't you sit? [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
So, how's your search for Mr.
Roy Eastman Kodak going? We went to the last place we saw him, but the realtor lady who lives there Christa Caldwell.
Very mean.
She refused to talk to us.
And threatened our testicles with unspeakable violence.
So you have one encounter with a vulgar woman and you give up? My research is extremely important.
If there is an undead in Santa Clarita, we need to capture it alive before the Knights of Serbia find it and kill it.
Now, perhaps as your manager.
I'm not motivating you well enough.
So here's something that might encourage you.
It's in this bag, look.
[MUFFLED SCREAMING.]
Find me Roy Eastman Kodak.
He will lead me to the undead in Santa Clarita.
Oh, that's so nice.
I know.
It's hot today.
So, where were we? Oh, the Humboldt property.
Judy's thrilled with the offer, but we've hit a snag with the buyer's credit.
I'll talk to Cheryl over at First National.
Her dog, Levi, likes these high-end rawhide sticks.
I'll send some over.
We'll get this loan back on track.
Look at you.
You are living proof that you don't need feet to kick ass.
Un-living proof.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Okay, next up.
The Hammond Realty launch party.
I got some quotes on that chocolate fountain Joel's all excited about.
Where is Joel, by the way? Oh, he's out trying to track down Ron.
The little weasel who made me bite him? I'd love five minutes alone with that guy's ankles.
[GROWLS.]
What's he done now? Well, Ron turned one of his friends and Joel's worried he might turn more.
And you're not? No, I am.
Just We don't have all the facts.
Maybe Ron had good reason.
- You don't know, we don't know.
- Sheila.
- Yes? - Did you turn someone? - Maybe.
- And Joel doesn't know? - Nuh-uh - Office drama.
I love it! If I tell him, he's going to freak.
Even though the woman I turned is a housebound senior and what I did was kind thoughtful and measured.
Unlike Ron, who impulsively turned someone on the first day he was undead.
Right.
Although, you turned me the first day you were undead.
Different circumstances.
Totally! I'm on your side.
So, when are you going to tell Joel? [SHEILA SIGHS.]
I'm waiting for the right moment.
Well, if you wait too long, it stops being something you didn't have a chance to tell him and becomes something you're hiding.
[MOCKERY.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Oh, my God.
- What is it? I have a Google alert for when the words "murder" and "Santa Clarita" come up in the same headline, you know, in case it's one of mine.
- And? - It's one of mine! [THEME SONG PLAYING.]
- Oh, crap! - [DOOR OPENS.]
Honey, I got some great leads on Ron.
I went to the skate park he posted from yesterday.
Met this cool skater kid named Gavin.
Bit of an attitude, but he's got the goods.
He said he saw Ron there yesterday and he'd call me if he shows up again.
That's great.
[CHUCKLES.]
We framed a woman for murder.
- What? - I'm sorry.
I should have paused.
That's great.
We framed a woman for murder.
- Why would we do that? - It was an accident.
You know Trish? Trish? We killed her shitty ex-husband and I returned her cat? Oh! That ex-husband, cat, Trish.
I didn't do anything, I swear.
I just opened the door and there was a cardboard box.
It was my cat and Bob's Rolex in it.
I I don't know what happened to him.
I didn't kill him, you have to believe me.
Wow, she looks really guilty.
Joel, we killed Bob.
I know.
I'm saying she's presenting all the evidence against her and yelling she didn't kill him, when they don't even have a body.
- I'd convict her.
- Poor Trish.
She's so sweet and she came to me for help and now she's going to jail.
We have to fix this.
Totally.
I'm with you 100%.
Are you? I'm hearing, like, 60%.
It's just, we need to find Ron.
He intentionally turned someone.
Anyone who'd do that is clearly unhinged and needs to be stopped.
Yes.
His specific form of recklessness is a problem.
What do you mean "specific form"? I mean specifically running around, turning people left and right.
It's irresponsible.
That's what I'm saying.
So, we agree on the specific thing Ron is doing.
But right now, we're talking about Trish, and I don't want her going to jail over something we did.
Good morning, accomplices.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Morning.
How are you feeling? Fine.
Fine.
Put those faces away.
Well, you did kill someone yesterday, Abby, and I can't see my face, but it feels like the right one.
So, using more words than "fine," tell us how you are.
I'm fine.
Thank you.
Farewell.
Come on, Abby.
Plus, you have your interview with the FBI today.
You must be feeling something.
It's all under control.
The FBI doesn't have anything on me and Eric.
And that guy I killed was undead and about to eat Dad.
Wait.
Dad, how are you feeling? I'm fine.
Oh, I see what you're doing.
We just put you in the middle of a lot of craziness.
And if you ever need help with anything we're here.
It's sweet that you guys are still trying to protect me.
Really.
I'm proud of you.
I know she's being condescending, but that felt really good.
We get so little.
Okay.
I was thinking.
- We have Bob's body, right? - Bob? Bob.
Trish's ex.
He is in our freezer.
What if we use his body to unframe Trish? Put it somewhere and make it look like he died in an accident.
Oh So we're putting a pin in my thing, stopping an undead apocalypse and doing your thing, saving one person.
Yes.
Until you hear from Aiden.
- Aiden? - Your skate park friend? Gavin.
Aiden had the attitude, but not the skills.
Not quite sure how we make that look like an accident.
What if he got sucked up into a jet engine? Times have changed since 9/11.
You can't just drive a corpse onto a runway and throw it in a jet engine anymore.
- Another freedom gone forever.
- Yeah.
We could sneak him into the zoo - and toss him in with the lions.
- That's good.
Although, then, we'd be framing an innocent lion.
Yeah, that'd be sad.
Plus, we let our zoo membership lapse.
We should renew that.
I heard they built a new monkey island.
Thank God.
That old one was fucking depressing.
I know.
It was like monkey Alcatraz.
I saw a surf rack on Bob's car.
What if we made it look like he went surfing and got attacked by a shark? I guess I'm okay framing a shark.
They kill seals.
And seals are the dogs of the ocean.
Are they? They are.
But if Bob went surfing, wouldn't someone else have seen him? Not if he was drunk and it was at night.
Bob was a drinker.
He had two DUls on his record.
We soak him in alcohol, stuff him into a wetsuit and toss him into the ocean.
That could work.
But we should also consider we're just talking ourselves into something crazy.
We have to try.
I helped Trish because I wanted to do something good.
I have to see this through.
- I get that.
- Good.
Because this plan already has alcohol, surfing and sharks in it, okay? It doesn't need doubt.
Hey.
You ready for your FBI interview? Oh, is that today? I'm kidding.
Of course I'm ready.
It's really easy.
Don't be nervous.
That's the most important thing.
- I'm not nervous.
- You sure? Because you did slaughter that undead guy yesterday, and it just seems like that would rattle anyone.
Okay.
I just went over this with my parents.
I'm fine.
- I wanna focus on the interview.
- Good.
Because I heard from Leslie that Novak told the FBI you have violent tendencies.
Jenny said she told him you hit Christian with a tray.
And it's common knowledge that you quit Environmental Club because it wasn't radical enough.
Well, shit.
All that just made me really nervous.
No, didn't you hear what I said? Don't be nervous.
It'll make you seem guilty.
Which you are.
Jesus, Eric.
I have to be in there in, like, five minutes.
Five minutes? It's all the way across campus.
And is that what you're wearing? Get the fuck away from me.
There she goes! Breaking surfboards is super satisfying.
I get why sharks like it.
I also get why sharks like to eat people.
Huh! I have a lot in common with sharks.
I guess.
How's it going with Bob? Not great.
He's farting a lot.
I don't know if it was defrosting him or soaking him in alcohol - or if this is just the man he was.
- Well, technically it's not farting, it's his organs decomposing and releasing gas from all his orifices.
If it makes you feel any better.
It just makes me feel different.
Give me a hand.
- [GRUNTING WITH EFFORT.]
- Oh, gosh.
Okay.
Thank you.
I know this isn't how you wanna be spending your day.
But you and I are the only ones who can help Trish.
Just so we're clear I'm not against helping people.
I like people.
Whose idea was it to buy that cow in that country for that guy? You mean, that goat in Senegal for that school? The point is, I like people.
And I know I worry.
I like to call it "proactive anticipation.
" But I'm glad you wanna put good in the world, with Trish and the Meals on Wheels lady.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
[BOTH GRUNT.]
Speaking of my Meals on Wheels lady You know, I told you, Jean - she's very sick.
- Yeah.
And her daughter is expecting a baby, and Jean isn't gonna live long enough to meet her.
Oh, that's sad.
And I have that special gift where I can make people live forever.
Okay.
I'm gonna proactively anticipate here.
You're not seriously thinking of turning Jean, are you? I was considering it.
- Oh, my God! - Well she's had such a tough life, and holding that baby just once would make her so happy.
Honey, that's crazy.
I've been running around all morning trying to stop Ron from turning people.
Now you wanna turn someone? She only wants to live a couple of months, long enough to see the baby.
And then one of us can kill her.
One of us? I've gotten close to her.
And what if she wants to start turning people, like Ron? Even with the best intentions, a million things could go wrong.
All you did was return Trish's cat, and now we're driving a vodka-soaked corpse to the ocean to frame a fish for murder.
Please don't do this.
Okay.
It was just a thought.
Well I appreciate you running it by me first.
Uh-huh.
Now, let's get this tightly wrapped burrito of a man into the water.
Ugh.
Smells like vodka in here, Bob.
Yeah, it's not even three o'clock yet, Bob.
[PHONE RINGS.]
It's Gavin, from the skate park.
Cheeto, 'sup? He's there? Awesome.
An hour ago? Why didn't you call me, bro? Just don't let him leave.
I am being chill.
Fucking Cheeto.
Ron's at the skate park.
We gotta get over there.
What about our drunk in the trunk? Skate park's on the way.
We'll stop there, then head to the beach.
We gotta wait till dark to dump Bob anyway.
Okay.
Skate park and then the beach.
On paper, this should be a fun day.
And, after we finished the pizza, Eric and I started watching Lord of the Rings and I immediately fell asleep.
- Immediately? - Well, a few minutes in.
Had the Hobbits left The Shire yet? No, they were still in the shower.
Shower.
Shire.
So you were with Eric the whole night? - Yes.
- Right.
That's what he said.
Cool.
Well, I don't have any questions for you, so I am curious.
If you were asleep, how do you know Eric stayed in the room with you? What? You just said you were asleep for three hours.
So he could have gone anywhere, right? I see the problem.
No, he couldn't have, because I'm a very light sleeper.
Yeah, I wake up all the time.
It's the opposite of narcolepsy.
I'm blanking on the name but it's a real condition, and I do have it.
Abby are you aware that lying to a federal agent is a criminal offense? I'm not lying.
It's a real thing.
It's in the apnea family.
I saw it on a talk show, and I was, "That's me.
" Are you lying to cover for Eric because he's the one who blew up the fracking site? Eric? No! No, you searched his house.
You didn't find anything.
True.
We don't have the C4, but we know his stepfather had it, which means Eric had access to it.
Oh, my God, it's not Eric.
He fits the profile.
Child of divorce, high IQ, socially isolated once wrote an advanced chemistry paper on volatile combustibles and an op-ed on corporate overreach destroying owl habitats.
No.
You're twisting everything.
He's a sweet guy.
That op-ed was titled "Give A Hoot".
Eric had motive, means, and opportunity.
We're gonna get him, Abby.
The only question is if you are gonna get dragged down with him.
Hey, how'd it go? Don't be nervous.
- You can't see a thing.
- No.
Makes you wonder how many of these other cars might have dead bodies in 'em.
Maybe that one.
Let's go try and find Ron.
[RON.]
Whoa.
Aah! I feel nothing because I am undead! Yes! Oh, God.
Do you have the serum? - I put it in your satchel.
- Great.
Because if he becomes feral and starts randomly eating skaters, people might pay more attention.
- So, what's the plan? - We try to convince him to stop turning people, and if we can't, we kill him in that bathroom over there.
Ugh.
I hate going into public bathrooms.
Hammonds! 'Sup, guys? Did you see me out there? No more fear.
Ooh, everyone! These are the people who helped me become undead! Ron! Joel! Hi, Sheila.
Hi, Ron.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why haven't you returned our calls? I knew you'd be mad at me because I snuck into your basement and I made the head bite me.
And I didn't want to get yelled at because I am having so much fun.
being undead! - Ron! - Joel! - Woohoo! - [JOEL.]
Ron! We need to talk to you.
Being undead comes with a lot of responsibility.
Don't worry, Joel.
I'm only gonna kill bad people.
Great.
The other super important thing We don't want a bunch of undead running around so never ever turn anyone.
- Right, honey? - Mm-hmm.
Yep, that's a great rule of thumb.
Generally.
- Always.
- Except in very rare situations.
Don't worry, I got it.
Never turn anyone.
- Right.
- Unless there are special circumstances like if they want to be turned.
No.
Don't turn anyone.
Period.
Period.
Period, ellipses, unless they ask you.
Perfect.
Thank you.
I'm not the one who confused him.
No, I'm not confused, Joel.
Being undead is amazing and I want to share it.
Selectively.
Right now, I've only turned one person.
And I only want to turn a few more for my paranormal subreddit group.
Thirteen, 18 people, tops.
You want to turn 18 people that you met on the internet? I'd officially like to separate my thing from Ron's thing.
Ron, you may think you know what you're doing, but trust me.
No matter how much it feels like you have things under control, they can go off the rails very quickly.
[SUSPENSE MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SQUELCHING.]
So, please promise you won't turn anyone else.
Joel, I have never had real friends.
Even when I was a kid, I only had one friend.
Howie Mills.
He and I were the weirdos nobody wanted to hang out with.
But then, one summer, Howie's parents got him a swimming pool and suddenly everyone wanted to be Howie's friend.
Being able to turn people That's my swimming pool.
I'm sorry, Ron, but we can't let you do that.
And you have friends.
We're your friends.
Are you? - Totally! - Of course! Oh, that's great.
Because I just made you the beneficiaries on my life insurance.
That way, if anything happens to me, you will get everything you deserve.
You don't happen to have the only copy of that with you, do you? What are we gonna do? We can't kill that little fucker now.
That life insurance policy is literally his life insurance policy.
Well, at least we gave him the serum, so he won't go feral.
Great.
He'll have all his faculties when he leads his undead army as it eats its way through America.
Maybe we should kidnap him.
He can't turn anyone if he's in our basement.
I don't want him in our basement.
I'm never gonna get a ping-pong table down there.
And by the way, I know Ron was pretty set on his plans, but you were no help.
Smells worse in here.
You think? I was gonna say "better.
" And I just don't think turning people is always so black and white.
Okay.
Is this only about Jean? Or is this about you wanting to turn me? - It's about Jean.
- Really? Because it feels like something else is going on and I know you want an answer.
And I've been thinking about it, - but putting pressure on me - I turned Jean.
- What? - [EXPLOSION.]
What was that? I think Bob just exploded.
God dammit! Where are you going? I'm getting a Creamsicle from the ice cream truck.
And the next time we leave a vodka-soaked corpse in our car on a 100-degree day, we should crack a window.
Okay.
The only hard evidence they have on you is Dan's missing C4.
So what if we convince them that Dan buried it in the desert and then the fracking people built their trailer right on top of it? And all that activity, boom! Explosion.
That's not how C4 works.
Okay.
Okay.
What if we send a taunting letter to the FBI like it's from a radical environmental group taking credit? Because guilty people sending cryptic letters to law enforcement never backfires? Okay, fine! Bad idea.
I I can't let this happen to you.
We don't really have a choice, Abby.
They think I'm guilty and I am.
It's only a matter of time before they arrest me.
No No.
This all happened because of me.
I'm gonna go to Agent Rogers and confess.
I'm gonna tell her I did it - and I did it alone.
- Abby No.
Either way, the C4 ties back to me.
I'm screwed no matter what you do and it's pointless for us to both go down.
Plus, if you confess, you'll put your whole family at risk.
No! We can figure this out.
We can do this.
There's nothing left to do.
Oh, God! You can't go to prison.
I might be going to prison.
Jean only wants to live a few months.
And she promised she would never leave her apartment.
I'll feed her and if she needs to go out, I'll take her.
Oh, so it's like we're adopting a shelter dog.
Exactly.
But instead of a scruffy little pup, she's a flesh-eating human who will live forever, unless I drive a spike through her brain, which, when the time comes, she may have an opinion about.
But like a shelter dog, when she looks up at you, eyes full of gratitude, you'll realize she rescued you.
Woof.
I love you.
Please don't make it hard for me to stay mad at you.
[BARKS.]
Rorry.
I was just so moved by her story.
And I had the power to help her.
And ever since Anne told me I was meant for something more, I've been searching for a greater purpose.
And I thought, this could be the reason this is all happening to me.
I understand.
But the way you did it Our lives are so chaotic.
The only thing that's been anchoring me is that we're a team.
I am so sorry.
I should have come to you first.
But we're still a team.
Okay.
So, how do we save Trish? You're the best.
You think our shark plan could still work? I don't know, honey.
Bob's just a gooey mess now.
And no one would ever find him.
Yeah, it'd be like pouring a tub of oatmeal into the ocean.
[DOOR OPENS.]
I fucked up.
I really fucked up.
Whoa.
What's wrong? Everything.
Oh, honey.
What happened? The FBI thinks Eric blew up the fracking site, and he's gonna go to jail, and it's my fault, and I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
It's okay.
We'll figure something out.
Absolutely.
The FBI are just fancy cops and we trick cops all the time.
What am I gonna do? Eric's their only suspect.
Well, then We've got to come up with another suspect.
How? No one's gonna lie for us and say they blew up a fracking site.
They might if they've already been blown up.
- Bob.
- Bob.
Bob? Is this the same C4 we used? Yep.
It'll have the same chemical footprint.
I dug it out of the trash after my mom threw it away.
You really need to talk to her about proper disposal of hazardous waste.
She tries.
She just gets so busy.
- Did you find another fracking site? - There's one in Palmdale, I'd like to not be there anymore.
Not that that's what this is about.
Perfect.
We'll head there after midnight and detonate Bob.
This is my fault.
I feel like I should do it.
Uh-uh, young lady.
You're still grounded from your first bombing.
Now, when you get to the fracking site, you wanna tuck the whole thing under the tarp, just to make sure the C4 residue gets mixed with Bob's genetic material.
Then they'll blame Bob for both explosions and you'll be off the hook.
I love you.
It.
Love it.
This idea.
Love it.
It was all her.
[SHEILA CHUCKLES.]
Well, and also, they'll have to release Trish because Bob killed himself.
Everybody wins.
Except Bob.
Who just keeps losing.
I know this is going to sound sarcastic, but this is a great plan and I'm really impressed with you guys.
Don't listen to her, honey.
It is a great plan.
Okay.
We're all set.
Now, are you guys clear on how to use this? [SIGHS.]
We plant the body, and don't press this button until we're 50 feet away.
- Fifty yards.
- Right.
Fifty yards away.
- It's 500 feet.
- Oh, boy.
We got it.
Look at us.
Team Hammond! Anne was right.
There's nothing I can't do.
You went from "we" to "I" pretty fast there, honey.
Rorry.
Would you rather have a neck like a turtle or a neck like a giraffe? I don't feel like playing.
Are you in a bad mood because Mr.
Poplovic put a bag over your head until you cried? Yes.
Anyone would have cried, Janko.
Thank you, Radul.
Giraffe neck.
- Me too.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
'Sup? We need to speak with Christa Caldwell.
- She's not here.
- Are you her son? - Yes.
- Does she love you? Yes.
Do you have the bag? Yes.
This is bullshit.
You are lucky.
The plastic bag is, like, ten times worse.
What is your passcode? Fuck you.
Okay! Six, nine, six, nine.
Nice.
Here we go.
Mom.
Hello.
Christa Caldwell? We have your son.
You're supposed to talk now.
How would I know that? I have a bag over my head, fucko.
If you want to see your son again, we need to find Roy Eastman Kodak.
He's a handsome man.
He left your house.
He had blood on his shirt.
Really? Oh Thank you.
The real name of the man we are looking for is Joel Hammond.
Joel Hammond.
With two "M" s or one? [SIGHS.]
Hello.
It's me again.