Schitt's Creek (2015) s03e07 Episode Script

1 (Brakes squeak) Okay well, you could've dropped me off back there! Oh, don't be silly honey, we're happy to drive you right to the front door.
Yeah, this is an iconic moment in all of our lives, and I think we should experience it to the fullest.
Moira: We're very proud of you, Alexis.
Thank you.
Is that appropriate attire for high school, do you think? - Yeah well, what's wrong with it?! - Well Well, now you're making me nervous! Anyway, just don't trust anyone that wants to be your friend on the first day, okay? And you mustn't let anyone push you around, I will not relive that bullying nightmare.
I wasn't bullied.
She doesn't mean you, Alexis.
Uh, it wasn't that bad.
That's the heartbreaking part, He was so blissfully unaware.
- Okay, I'm gonna go.
- Ugh! Okay, I think you're brave.
Well, that's very nice of you to say, David.
Okay, he's being sarcastic! - David: What?! - Johnny: Oh.
It's a defense mechanism.
From all the bullying.
Oh my God! General Store Aired the 21rst February (Dog barks) (Sighs) I can't tell what's more tragic, the fact that the only store in town is closing, or that they've decided to display fungal cream beside the cereal boxes.
That's actually really convenient, because I forgot to have breakfast, and I'm running low on fungal cream, so I don't wanna hear you say fungal again.
Fungal? Yeah, it's like they knew what the consumer wanted, and then ran in the opposite direction.
- Finding everything okay? - Yes.
Yeah.
It's sad about the store.
Thank you, it's been very hard.
Yeah, I can imagine.
Yeah, they just missed the mark, you know? I mean, this store in the right hands could be very lucrative.
Uh huh, and by the right hands, you mean your hands? Well, I mean someone with faultless taste who understands what people want and need, and if those happen to be my hands, then So why don't you do something about it? I'm pretty sure telling them that they've driven their store into the ground might be rubbing salt in the wound.
No, I'm saying ever since you walked in here you've been talking about how you would've done things differently, so now's your chance.
Okay, your eyebrows never move, so I can't tell whether you're being serious or not.
I think you should put what little money you have where your mouth is.
I do have a very good idea.
What you lack in most things, you make up for in unsubstantiated confidence.
Okay, are we good to go?! Jocelyn: Good morning, class.
I'm sure you have all noticed there's a new student in our midst.
Let's give a warm welcome to Alexis Rose.
She is here until the end of the semester to finish her diploma.
(Applause) Okay, so let's open our books.
Oh um, I'd just like to say a few words.
Okay, we're actually just running a little bit behind.
- Hey.
- Oh.
So as Jocelyn said, my name is Alexis, and yes, I did not finish high school.
Um, it's this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player, and like a ton of mushrooms.
Anyway, I think it would be so great if we could just go around the room, and everyone could tell me like, five things about yourself.
Jocelyn: Actually, we don't have time for that today.
Maybe you could talk between classes, or after school, or on the weekends.
- Yeah, totally.
- Yeah.
Okay.
So just find me after class, or Ivan: Good morning, Twyla.
Sorry I'm late, but I have morning muffins.
Oh, thanks, Ivan.
Yeah, they keep selling out.
Ivan! - Bob's friend? - Oh yeah! Johnny Rose, remember? Bagels, I know.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, bagels.
Oh, I see you have a new enterprise.
Yeah, it was always my dream to bake muffins.
Well, funny you should mention it, because I'm thinking of doing a continental breakfast at the motel, and this could be uh very helpful.
Yeah.
I not make breakfast.
No, no, no, a continental breakfast, just pastries and coffee.
No coffee.
Oh, I wouldn't expect you to make the coffee.
No, I make coffee, but only for myself.
Yeah, no, no, it's just your muffins that I'm interested in.
I bake for Twyla.
Oh, but it's always nice to have new customers.
Yes, yes, I think we should talk about this, Ivan.
Yeah, I'd love to see your operation.
Uh yeah, yeah, yeah, just come by place and I show you kitchen.
Yes.
Yeah.
(Clearing his throat) - Well, yeah, okay.
- Good, yes.
- Ivan: Yes, see you.
- Twyla: Bye! So long.
Wow, this could be very exciting.
You know, a continental breakfast could add an extra star on our rating.
Oh wow, so how many stars would that give you? One.
Roland: So, there are carols playing, and it snows inside all day long.
Gwen's gonna lose her mind! Shh! Shh! Shh! What now?! No need to terminate your chitter-chatter on our accounts.
You gonna tell them, or should I? Ladies, um we have some good news Christmas world! Moving into town! Bob, okay, there's a way to do these things, and I'm the one who's supposed to lead these meetings, - all right? - They wanna take over - the general store.
- Bob! I'm sorry! It's just, you know, it's big news.
And what on earth is a Christmas World? They sell Christmas stuff all year round.
But is this really the kind of business we want in this town? You know, I have yet to find an ornament in there that I'd put on my tree, And I heard those little elves they have running around, they're actually underage kids.
Ladies, if we don't approve this, then Christmas World will take its fake snow, and its all-you-can-drink nog fountain to Elmdale! Well, that makes our decision easy.
Oh, Moira! Moira, Moira, Moira.
A word to the wise, okay? You don't vote against Christmas.
It's huge business.
Tourist dollars! Well, I'm not voting for it.
Moira: I'm inclined to side with Veronica on this.
(Roland groans) All right, look guys, this is a big decision.
Let's take a little time to think about it.
It's-it's Christmas World! We don't wanna get on their naughty list.
(Chuckles) (Bob laughs) (Birds chirp) Ivan: Oh.
This is where I bake.
I have three ovens.
Is tradition in my family.
We make vatritza, burek, gibantsa and now I making uh, Danish, eclair, American-style toaster popping tart.
Wow, that sounds great, Ivan, but I was thinking cinnamon buns.
You know, the smell of cinnamon in the motel lobby, mmm! Mr.
Rose, for you, I can make anything.
- Great.
- Blueberry bun, butter tart, blueberry butter tart with raisin, blueberry butter tart with chips of chocolate Well, let's just stick with cinnamon buns for now, and if this works, we'll take it from there.
And I'm giving you special price.
Thank you.
Because you know Twyla.
Yes, I do.
I watch you make her laugh.
You watch me make her laugh? - Mhmm.
- Oh, so you you like Twyla! Oh, well, you should uh talk to her, I guess.
No, no, I can't.
I try, but when I speak, is like many, many muffin in my mouth.
You talk for me? Oh, no, no, no, I wouldn't be too comfortable doing that, no.
You just say nice thing.
I'll give you cinnamon bun for free.
You say, he's a good man, hard worker, never hurt no one.
Well, I wouldn't lead with that but uh no, no, I think this is better coming from you.
(Crickets chirp) (Knocking) Hmm? So, I have some news.
Oh David, I'm not sure I'm in the mood to hear about another sexual exploit.
I'm sorry, who is it this time? I have actually been thinking about going back to work.
That's wonderful! You've received an offer? Um, it's more of a plan for an idea of a-a thing that I will be working at.
Well, that sounds less concrete, but full of promise, I'm sure.
I know you've been moping about the motel for some time now.
Mm, decompressing.
Um, and from that decompression came the idea to start my own business.
Hmm! And just what is this exciting new venture? I plan to submit a lease application for the general store.
Ha! Oh! Can you imagine? Not seizing on this opportunity.
Well, I'll be investing some of the money I got from the Blouse Barn.
Mhmm, a bold decision.
Especially since the previous business has since gone under.
Dare I say, the space might be cursed? Okay, the general store was a disaster.
And your plan is to raise it from the ashes? Well, that's a risky move on the part of your investors.
I don't have any investors.
It's just me.
Just you? I am doing this all on my own.
All on your own? Yeah, I've actually given it a lot of thought.
You have? You're the that's been telling me to get back to work! - I did? - Oh my God! What, I'm simply asking questions! No, you're not, you're just repeating random things that I've been saying! Oh, far be it from me to stand in your way while you roll the dice with your hard-earned savings! Thank you! That's all you had to say.
The only people who buy silver trees are serial killers, and single men over 40, and my cousin, who is a single man over 40.
Oh, what a startling little tannenbaum.
To whom do we owe our reciprocity for this yuletide gift? It says Christmas World right on it.
Oh, I see! Sometimes the eyes won't allow the brain to see things at first.
Like the cultural and economic benefits of a seasonally specific store.
Okay, what did they send you? Nothing, I assure you.
But when one considers the alternatives Moira, are you caving on this? I'm just thinking out loud.
What if a young, independent business person were to step in? I worry, one worries, you worry, are they too naive, or overly coddled, or emotionally precious to handle the rigor of establishing a business? Look, I uh I don't wanna pressure anyone, but uh Gwen did tell me if I uh, I don't get Christmas World passed, I shouldn't come home.
(Laughs) I shouldn't I shouldn't come home.
Okay, let's put it to a vote.
Shall we? All those in favor of Christmas World? Hah! Done! Thank you, Moira! (Phone rings) It's Gwen.
The woman has a sixth sense.
Hi honey, are you sitting down? Trust me, it's for the best.
It's happening! (Laughs) It's really happening! Jocelyn: So here's the thing about Marie Antoinette.
Even though I love to eat cake, I think I'd be pretty annoyed with her myself.
I do see your hand up Alexis, it's just that you probably haven't had a chance to catch up.
Okay, it's just that she never actually said "let them eat cake.
" Um well, that depends on who you ask.
Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie.
Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it.
And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.
Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now My friends used to call me Marie, And that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it's also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.
Jocelyn: Thank you for your enthusiasm, it's just that we have a lot to cover here.
Girls? What did I say about passing notes in class? I'll see you both after school.
You know who else passed notes? This lady passed a lot of secret notes, and eventually was killed.
Oh hi, how are you? - Very busy.
- How am I?! Terrific! Aside from the fact that I caught wind that Christmas World was moving into the general store.
Just when I thought that the taste levels in this town were already scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Oh! Tell me about it.
Hmm So you can imagine my surprise when I found out that the deciding factor in all of this was my own mother! It seems extremely off brand to support a disgusting big box store like that.
(Sighs) David, sit, please.
I know you think what I did was cruel, but I was just protecting you.
And I'd say you'll understand one day, but you don't enjoy children, so perhaps you won't.
Okay, protect me from what? From yourself.
Your father and I have not prepared you for an undertaking of this scope! Okay, what about all the galleries? Those were all me.
I've run businesses before.
Never on your own, and never without a safety net.
I don't know how many times I have to thank you for the start-up money! But I opened those galleries myself.
And who do you think bought all that art, and sold out all your shows? Uh, my patrons.
And who do you think bought all your patrons? (Gasps) So you're telling me that my entire professional career was a sham?! We helped you because we could! And now I realize that might not have been the best thing for you or your autonomy, but Okay, well, now I guess I'll never find out if I could've succeeded on my own.
David! (Door bang shut) (Slams) (Sighs) (Bell on door jingles) Ivan: Hello, Mr.
Rose.
Cinnamon buns for you.
Oh Ivan, thank you.
Ohh! These smell amazing! And I have muffins for Twyla.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I'm going to talk to her now.
- Good luck.
- Yeah.
(Chuckles) - Hi, Ivan.
- Um Here's the muffins.
- Goodbye.
- Yeah.
Wow! Mr.
Rose, I blow it.
Oh, well, there's always tomorrow, Ivan.
No, no, don't All right, have a seat.
I always watch romantic movies.
"Got Mail," "When Harry Met Sally," "Smell of Woman.
" Yeah, Ivan, you don't want to be over-preparing.
- Oh.
- Hey, guys.
- What can I get you? - I'm good man.
Okay, and? I'll have the waffles.
And uh, eggs, uh, uh, what does dog say before the breakfast? Bun appetite.
Bun appetite.
Bun Bone appetit, I think it's a dog bone joke.
Bun appetite.
- Eggs and waffles.
- Hmm, yes.
Coming up.
- Yeah.
- I know.
Oh, well I think uh a little quality control on this - wouldn't hurt, huh? - Yeah, yes.
(Bell rings) Hey, I think that we started out on the wrong foot.
And like, I totally get it, there's a new girl in town, and that can be super intimidating, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm actually very approachable.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So why don't you just show me what that note says.
Girls, passing notes in class is not only disruptive - to the whole student body - I started it.
I passed the note to Steph M.
And Becky.
Alexis, if you're gonna be in this class, you are gonna have to learn to be less disruptive.
Now let's see what was so important.
That really isn't necessary, Mrs.
Schitt.
"Alexis is too pretty, and everyone's talking about the dress.
So gorge.
" Okay, I love that you're so confident, Mhmm.
It's just that we're going to have to focus a little less on ourselves, and a little more on the material.
Totally.
Okay.
I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson.
Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.
Do you wanna have lunch tomorrow? Sure.
I just find it extremely violating.
Because your parents threw money at you? Yes! They paid for everything, it's like a form of child abuse.
Don't quote me on this, but it seems like their intentions were good.
I mean, they didn't buy all the good reviews your galleries got.
Who's to say?! Yeah, I mean, they do give me a small weekly stipend for hanging out with you, so Ugh! David, there you are.
I come bearing good news.
And what's that, your friends at Christmas World are looking for a deeply embittered, mildly Hebraic-looking elf?! I thought you might like to know that council has agreed to accept your application.
What about Christmas World? I had a very effective strategy to change everyone's minds, that I ultimately didn't get to use, because Christmas World pulled out.
This is good news! I mean, yeah, if someone hadn't snuffed out the last remaining embers of my self-confidence.
Why don't you channel some of that charming self-pity into a business plan, okay? Because the lease is yours, David, if you still want it.
Which he does.
If there's anyone in this town who might have the eye to create something truly beautiful, it's you, David.
And me, but in this case, you.
(Sighs) Okay.
I will submit my application.
There's cinnamon buns in the lobby! These are good.
I know, where are these from? Yeah, I got those for the motel.
They're supposed to be for the guests! Okay, well, they were just sitting there.
Oh, they weren't just sitting there, Alexis, they're the product of a lot of hard work! Moira: John? In here, Moira.
There are cinnamon buns in the lobby! Oh come on, Moira, Moira! These are for the continental breakfast we're offering at the motel! Continental breakfast? - They're for the guests! - How whimsical.
It's a start, it's a start, it's a big step.
What exactly goes into a "continental breakfast?" It's a breakfast, David, it's a light breakfast with pastries and coffee.
What's continental about that? It's for business travelers, travelling the continent, eating breakfast, and continental travelling.
That doesn't sound even remotely correct.
Well, it's European, Moira, so Okay, come on, seriously! There's only one left?! I know, Stevie was eating the other one.
Here, why don't you have this, and I'll take the big one.
It's all right, I'll take care of it.
Well, I guess it would be wrong to serve the guests day-olds.
You know this bun added a star to our rating? How many did we have before? Not the point! LittleDuck