Scrubs s03e07 Episode Script

She's awake.
Say something romantic.
Do you think this is a good time to talk about a nickname for my penis? I dated this girl in college who made the decision without consulting me.
All of a sudden, there it was, 18 months of it being called Little Buddy.
We didn't like that.
Not one bit.
- I haven't even had coffee yet.
- You're right.
I'm sorry.
Big Al, for example.
Why don't you just tell me a story? Something romantic.
Once there was a beautiful girl, who met a stunningly handsome young doctor.
He noticed her right away.
And she noticed him noticing her.
Their first date was amazing.
They had so much fun together, they felt like kids again.
Then it was time for their first kiss.
And how was that? Intense.
The next date didn't start that well either.
But it got better from there.
And that night, well It was the most amazing night the young doctor ever had.
Then what happened? The young doctor realised he hadn't seen the girl naked in the light yet.
Damn.
Are you as into this as I am? If I wasn't crazy about you, would I be willing to do this? As I was doing the naked chicken dance Uncle Bart taught me, I realised life couldn't get much better than this.
Just cos Jordan thinks it's cute you're violating her sister, doesn't mean you can use my guest room for your nerdy, G-rated sexcapades.
And oh, my God, what are you doing with my little boy, you sick, sick bastard? My bad.
It's a beautiful shot of you.
Come here you filthy, filthy boy.
Filthy girl.
Filthy girl.
Are you OK, Little Buddy? No! Although Dr Cox got a look at Little Buddy Oh, no, now I'm saying it! my day still started off great.
I'm about to set a new record for projectile vomiting.
Come on, it reminds me of my sexiest kiss.
Our honeymoon, standing waist deep in the ocean - I think you were in at the bar.
- OK, gotta go.
- Come on.
- Be brilliant today.
I always am.
I hit my head so hard, I saw cartoon birds.
I was in paediatrics and it was just the wallpaper.
Stunning.
Look, Tammy, as far as your love life goes, I couldn't care less who's laying your quivering body down by the fire, while your lips whisper, "No, no" but your eyes scream, "Yes! Yes!" "Oh, big daddy, yes!" But when you're dating Jordan's sissy-poo, it forces me to spend time with you outside hospital, and I just won't have that, so here's the deal.
Don't wanna have dinner or go bowling with you and I never again want to walk into my kitchen and hear you say, It's waffle time, it's waffle time Won't you have some waffles of mine? Bottom line, we'll be bestest friends foreverest, if you just keep your face out of my face.
- She's my patient.
- Guys, how are you? I'm great.
You know me, I'm up, up, up, then some fashion Nazi says pear-shaped people shouldn't wear stripes and whoosh, guess who's ear-deep in mint chocolate chip ice cream? Me.
If you leave it an hour, it's like milk shake.
If it's not melted, it hits you in the face.
- That'd go everywhere.
- Once I got Chunky Monkey in my eye.
- What brings Ms Tracy to us? - Her landlord found her passed out.
Lucky me, I couldn't pay my rent.
A recent study found doctors spend 15 seconds listening to a patient.
It sounds insensitive, but the truth is, it's all the time you need.
- How do you feel? - Awesome.
Ms Tracy.
Headachey and embarrassed my landlord saw me in granny panties.
We're gonna run some tests and figure this out.
I'll be here if you Sorry! If that gets infected, I'm a doctor.
You keep going to the right, so aim at that guy and you'll hit the board.
- Those two are best friends now.
- I know.
I wonder what it was that made them so tight.
Elliot! - What are you doing here? - Meeting some friends for drinks.
Yes, me too.
Friends.
Ponch! Damn, I still got it.
Wait a second, dude, that was us.
I know.
Greatest night ever! Yes, Enid, I hear Baxter growling but the fact is, you ventured into his side of the house.
Baring his teeth, huh? OK, now here's what you do.
Are you ready? Make a sudden move.
Those two! Sir, we've gotten some complaints that the discount stethoscopes you ordered are uncomfortably tight.
I contacted the manufacturer but apparently, he's decided to focus more on his hand-made smoking paraphernalia.
Nonsense.
These are fine.
Are you OK? Sweet dancing Jehovah, I've punctured my brain.
Boy oh boy, that's some rock.
When's the big day? Me? No, never.
My fiancé dumped me.
I'm just noticing how beautiful his mother's ring is.
You know, compared to the fake one I sent back to him.
Oops.
We found organophosphates in your system.
Have you had any exposure to pesticides? Pesticides? No, I don't have any pest problems.
That must be so nice.
- They're just feelings, they'll heal.
- Don't worry, we're on top of this.
Jordan thinks we should all go to the carnival.
The carnival? Oh, I can't go to the carnival.
I puke at carnivals.
A lot.
- You don't really puke at carnivals.
- I do.
But I still love 'em.
Look, I have an even dandier idea.
Why don't you crazy kids do something on your own? Look, I'm Jordan's sister.
So as long as I'm in town, you'll be seeing a lot of these smiling faces.
Smile.
- I waxed my legs at home last night.
- How did that go? Not great.
I can't do it.
I'd rather die hairy.
Mrs Koenings needs help to sleep.
Haloperidol.
It won't put her to sleep.
A Benzo'll knock her right out.
With Benzos, older people can have a bad reaction.
- Have I ever steered you wrong? - Who suggested this? - Smooth.
- Benzo it is.
Hey, what about this one? Dude, my broccoli is hot.
Please say you mean temperature-wise.
You can't find broccoli sexy.
Oh, yeah, temperature-wise.
And mini-green-boobs-wise.
What's up! Sir, I wanted to talk to you about that hernia seminar OK, sure.
We can totally talk later.
Hey, Dr Kelso.
I don't know if you heard, but Bernice, the lady who does the PA announcements, just got hit by a bus.
I was on the speech team at school So I was thinking maybe I could do the announcements.
Just until Bernice gets back on her foot.
Splendid.
Dr Cox seems to be having fun.
But I think I know why.
Whack-a-newbie! Missed me! Whack-a-newbie! Missed me! Whack-a-newbie! Perry? - It's over.
- Sorry.
We're gonna eat food and look at the Fat Lady to make ourselves feel better.
We'll meet you guys on the Ferris wheel, if your stomach's OK.
It's the back-and-forth-y rides that get me.
Well, you have done it.
It's Friday night and instead of drinking whiskey through my son's sippy cup, I'm actually at a carnival with you, surrounded by piles of manure, even though I've yet to see a single animal.
- That is weird.
- I'll tell you what.
How about we head over there and if you can raise that hammer above your head with those chicken bones you call arms, I'll let you take a free whack at my dome.
I already raised the hammer.
The only reason I didn't ring the bell is that the game is obviously rigged.
Good job, Son! The only positive thing about this whole situation is that it's driving you crazy and there's nothing you can do about it.
- Way to go, Tina! - Oh, come on! Dr Tushi, you're needed in the OR.
Nice name, buddy.
Beat up in high school much? - It's OK.
- What's going on? She's having a reaction to the Benzo.
There are a lot of ways to get the upper hand in a relationship.
Oh, I gave the guy half a corndog so we can all ride foursies.
Just go.
Corndog.
It can happen with a simple request.
Could you take a look at my ears? It can happen because of a mistake.
Mrs Koenings stabilized, so DIC the Posey vest.
That's never happened to me with a Benzo.
I think What do you think? Did you think maybe I'm the doctor? That's what I think so maybe you should just DIC the vest and keep your opinion to yourself.
Even when you have the upper hand, it's important to be careful.
Because some people fight dirty.
You know, Danni, it's amazing that you're actually comfortable dating JD what with him having nailed Jordan and all.
Sorry, folks, little problem here.
Get you down in about an hour or so.
I don't feel so good.
Sometimes the best thing to do is to say exactly what's in your heart.
I'm sorry I puked on your shoes.
I'm sorry I wore sandals.
Danni, that whole thing with Jordan It's so long ago, I don't remember it.
You keep a sex-journal of all your experiences under your bed.
- Gotta stop showing it to girlfriends.
- You should have told me.
I'm not gonna let it mess things up with the guy I'm in love with.
Thank God.
Do you wanna get some pineapple pizza? I think I'll probably just go inside and wash my feet.
That's robot for "good night".
Peace.
All right, people, listen up.
Dr Kelso has ruptured both his eardrums.
You can say whatever you want as long as you've got a smile on your face.
You stupid mother Thanks for the kind words, gang.
- Yes? - Carla, I just wanted to apologise.
I'm so glad.
I didn't want us to stay mad at each other.
It's my fault, I shouldn't have listened to you.
I need to be a strong enough doctor to ignore you when you won't shut up.
That's so sweet.
All medical personnel, report to the second floor for a catfight.
Catfight on the second floor.
We sent Hazmat guys to your apartment.
There were no signs of pesticides.
They also said you mixed Art Deco with Indonesian antiques.
- I think that is so daring.
- Reel it in, Queer Eye.
Thanks.
I can't remember the last time anyone was this nice to me.
Well, you know We gotta go.
Your little cheap shot didn't land.
Danni isn't mad at me at all.
Hey, baby.
Comin' to give Pop-pops some candy? Cos I'm hungry.
OK, later's fine too.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I can feel the love all over.
Can you believe Elliot giving me all that attitude? Two weeks ago, a nurse with 20 years' experience told me I was tying the wrong suture.
- I bet you listened to her.
- I kicked her ass out the OR.
- But you were nice about it? - No, I made her cry.
The point is, whatever happens with a patient is on my shoulders.
It's the same with Elliot.
That's why your relationship's complicated.
Outside this hospital, you're the boss of Elliot.
You're the boss of me and you're the boss of everyone.
But in this building, Elliot's in charge.
Am I really the boss of everybody outside? Baby, you the boss of everybody in the world.
Dr Dorian, Dr Turk is free for his rectal exam.
He said you'd know what that means.
"Dear Dr Cox, it's important you know how much I care for Danni and how hurt I was by your attempt to sabotage our relationship.
" - Isn't it enough that I'm reading it? - I'm sorry.
Always fun to be in the bathroom listening to people talk so clearly you're sure they just heard you pee.
You did, didn't you? - You start and stop a lot.
- Lovely.
Here.
Great news, Ms Tracy.
We're sending you home.
I wish we could've figured out how that stuff got into your system.
Sometimes in medicine you have to chalk it up to one of life's great mysteries, like crop circles, or this gal's Adam's apple.
- I'm a girl, that's original.
- I just want to say, if I don't see you again, thanks and take care.
Be well, darling.
See you next time.
- Wanna hear a great letter? - No.
Hey, everybody.
This place has dynamite lamb.
- What are you doing here? - I called him.
After shooting my mouth off the other night, I've been feeling a lot of - Guilt.
- No.
Not that.
- Guilt? - Yes, that.
- I don't like her to be right.
- You're upset about your sister If I didn't date guys she slept with, I wouldn't have a date to the Prom.
- Then what is it? - I said I was falling in love with you.
- You know what you said? - Thank you? - You asked me if I wanted pizza.
- No, pineapple pizza.
You can't take this personally.
Doctors don't listen to anyone.
Don't lump us together with numb-nuts.
Really? This morning I asked you to do me a favour involving my mother.
What was it? Well, I hope that it had something to do with hiring people to kill her? Oh, come on.
I hope you guys listen better to your patients.
For some reason, right then, we both knew how those pesticides got into our patient's system.
Lucky for me, I couldn't pay my rent this month.
That's some rock.
When's the big day? Oh me, no, no, never.
My fiancé dumped me.
I can't remember the last time anyone was this nice to me.
I just want to say, if I don't see you again, thanks and take care.
- She did it to herself.
- Gotta go.
The problem with only listening to a patient for 15 seconds is, sometimes you don't hear everything.
When you finally realise what they were trying to say, you might have lost them forever.
- Ms Tracy.
- Hey, guys.
- We need to talk.
- About what? How have things been going lately? OK.
Why? Actually, it has been a couple of rough months.
Come on, Jill.
Come on.
You can never underestimate the importance of listening.
A quick note for all my comatose listeners out there.
All your lovers have moved on.
If it's any consolation, my sources tell me they're happy.
Well, snooze you lose.
In other news - Get off that thing.
- Listening can affect your career.
There you are, you deaf bastard.
I hate you so much, every time you utter my name, I wanna stick my fist down your throat and watch you slowly choke on it.
Ted, I can hear now.
Who's Ted? Listening can even mend a friendship.
Carla, could you go get You know what? Forget it.
No, Doctor.
Just tell me what you need, I'll do it.
Give him one gram of Ancef for prophylaxis.
Ultimately, it keeps you in the moment.
So you don't miss the things that really matter.
- Say it again.
- No, you have to earn it.
I'll try.
Oh for God's sake, we're watching a movie here.
Kill me.