Strangers with Candy (1999) s03e07 Episode Script

Ask Jerri

1
Mr. Jellineck?
Can I get your advice
about something?
Can you make it quick,
I have an advice
column to write.
Well, there's that
student from Carlot
who committed suicide
a couple of weeks ago
and since then, I can't
stop thinking about it.
Join the club.
Did you hear about the
turn out at his funeral?
It's like he was a
celebrity or something.
I bet there are a lot of kids
who didn't treat him very well
and are pretty sorry
about it now.
Can you imagine
Having that many people
distraught over your death?
Can you imagine it?
God I envy that kid!
So, what's your question?
I guess I don't really have one.
Well, if you get one,
gimme a "dingle".
Hello! I'm Jerri Blank.
32 years ago I dropped out
of high school
and ran away from home.
Oh, I made a lot of friends.
Did a lot of time
I was a boozer
A user
And a loser
I stole the T.V
Did some more time.
But now I'm back in school!
And though the faces
may have changed
The hassles are just the same.
Hey! Geoffrey,
a student wrote in a
letter for your column.
Want me to put it
with the others?
You bet.
Those student problems
are so morose.
Yeah.
I like happy problems.
Listen to this one
I just made up:
"Dear Geoffrey:
"I've recently acquired an
antique shaker table
"which is really kinda fun
in a rustic sorta way,
"but it doesn't fit in
with my Key West colors.
"What should I do?
Signed Desperately
Seeking Deco."
That's a pickle.
Yeah.
Noblet!
Look what I found stacked
outside my office!
It's last week's edition
of the school paper.
That's right.
And it was stacked
on top of a stack
from the week before.
Nobody reads it!
How am I supposed to
brainwash my minions
if they aren't reading the
official party line? Hmm?
Maybe they just don't
understand good journalism.
They don't read it, because
they don't relate to it.
Look at these articles.
"Making Scented Candles",
"The Truth Behind Belgian Lace",
"Ichibana, The Ancient Art of
Japanese Flower Arrangement."
If I didn't know any better,
I'd say this was written by a
couple of middle-aged homos.
Listen up, Chuck,
either you find someone who
can relate to the students,
or your monkey ass
is off the paper!
Did you hear that Geoffrey?
If he takes the paper
away from me
that means I have to spend more
time teaching the students,
and frankly,
I'm out of information!
Oh! He doesn't know what
he's talking about.
We relate to the students.
Maybe we don't.
Well I do.
Hell, I'm practically their age.
I've got the body hair
of a 14-year-old.
I've gotta think of something!
I'm goin' to get some fresh air
by the candy machine.
Do what you have to.
[GRUNTING IN FRUSTRATION]
Hey Chuck!
I've got the answer!
"Dear Deco
Saw the legs off the table,
and make it
a cutting board."
[RASPY LAUGH]
If this doesn't connect
with the students,
I don't know what will.
[SLURPING]
Yeah.
Ah
It's a beaut.
[QUIETLY SOBBING]
What's with the "boo-hoos"?
My boyfriend just
broke up with me
and it's all my fault.
Ooh, who was it?
Johnny Ling.
Johnny Ling?
It wasn't your fault.
Haven't you ever heard
of the old expression
"black-on-white,
outta sight."
"Black-on-slope,
there ain't no hope."
You're right, Jerri!
That makes a lot of sense.
Thanks for the great advice.
JERRI:
Lame.
Say, Jerri!
I need somebody like you.
You really seem to connect
with the other students.
Let's say you come over and help
me out at the school newspaper?
Aw, working for the paper
is for queers.
Dull, dull, dull, dull, dull!
Well, thank you
for your honesty.
Oh, by the way!
You don't ever have to come
to History class again.
I'm giving you an infinite "F".
[SOFTLY]
Fat ass.
What did you say?
Fat ass.
That's better.
Ohhhh.
Excuse me
I-I'm new,
can you tell me where
the school newspaper meets?
Extra! Extra!
Read all about it
"Jerri Blank Pops Stiffy!"
Excuse me?
For the paper?
I wanna sign up.
Well, what a "co-inky-dink".
I'm workin' on the paper,
I was just headin' over
there right, ahem now.
I think working on
the paper is so
Sexy?
Say exciting.
It can be.
[HUMMING]
[TYPING SLOWLY]
[TYPE]
[TYPE]
Hmmm hm hm hmmm ♪
[TYPE]
Look, take a typing class,
that "tip-tip-tapping" is
driving nails in my skull.
JELLINECK: Jeez,
somebody's a crabby bunny.
Shut up!
Okay!
Ahem!
Here's where we do the paper
Folding,
and here's we do the paper
Mache.
And here's the paper
Clips!
And, uh, that's how she runs.
Wow
So you wanna hear a
newspaper joke?
What's black and white
and me all in there?
Don't you mean red all over?
It is after I slap it
a few times.
Jerri, what are you doing here?
Hold the press, chief!
You said you needed somebody
like me, and here me is.
What do you want me to do?
I want you to write an advice
column for the school newspaper.
What kind of advice?
Shh!
Keep it down.
Your column will replace
Mr. Jellineck's
and I haven't told him yet.
[WHISPERING]
I understand.
I just got a job writin'
the new advice column!
Jerri please!
That's great, Jerri.
What a wonderful opportunity
to help people.
Who are you?
Oh hi!
I'm Sidney,
I'd like to work for the paper.
Okay, I could use a
research assistant.
Your first assignment,
I want to see if you can
go research me up
a cinnamon chip scone.
We're gonna be workin'
for the paper!
Yes!
Jerri, remember.
[WHISPERING]
Hush-hush.
Shh.
Hey, Mr. J!
What are you writin' there?
Your obituary?
[CACKLES]
What did she mean
by that, Chuck?
[HIGH-PITCHED]
Gosh, I don't know.
Doesn't make any sense.
I'm so happy we're
working on the paper.
Yeah, workin' on the newspaper-
I feel so grown-up.
Goodies!
Jerri!
Can't you wait?
Why? Derrick's
not waiting.
Well that's how the
food chain works, Jerri,
I buy it, my favorite child
gets first dibs
and you wait.
Wow, Salty, Crispy Fatties!
Fatty, Salty Crispies!
Twice-baked Frosting Fries!
Who's your cute, young,
ethnic friend, Derrick?
Oh, she's with Jerri.
Get out!
Mother, please.
This is Sidney.
Hey, don't you wanna know what
happened in school today?
All right, what happened
in school today?
Mr. Noblet
I was talking to Derrick.
Derrick?
Well, I punched this
loser in the head.
He was comin' out of study hall.
I blind-sided him. He
never even saw it coming.
That's very nice, Derrick.
Okay Jerri, now why don't
you make it quick.
Someone punched me in the head
when I was comin' out of study hall today.
Blind-sided me.
Never saw it comin'.
Oh, and
Mr. Noblet
asked Sidney and I
to work on the paper.
I'm writing for the
new advice column.
Oh, that's wonderful.
You giving advice?
You know,
that's sure to backfire
and explode in your face
like some
hillbilly's rifle.
[CACKLING] Poor
Southerners are hilarious
What does she know.
Well, Jerri, your mom
might have a point.
Giving advice can have
disastrous results.
You should be careful-
you're not exactly qualified.
What d'ya mean?
Well, there was this
radio talk-show host
who gave bad advice to a caller.
The caller went down to
the studio with a tire iron
and crushed her skull.
I mean, that could
happen to you.
Me-ee?
[SIGHS]
Mr. Nobs?
Yes, Jerri?!
I'm havin' second thoughts
about doing this advice column.
Why?
Well, I'm not sure I'm
qualified to give advice.
Oh really, Jerri?
Well, if you
weren't qualified
Could I have had
these printed up?
Wow!
Beautiful!
Let's have some fun.
Give me one.
[GIGGLING]
[HAPPY-GO-LUCKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[WRETCHING]
[RABIDLY MUTTERING]
Chuuucccckkk!
[SNORTING AND PANTING]
All the perfumes
of Arabia
won't mask the stink
of betrayal, Chuck.
I can't believe you replaced me.
[LOW VOICE] I did what I
had to, to save my paper.
Your paper
Or yourself?
Take that back!
I will not,
I shall repeat it.
"Self!" get out!
Out of this classroom,
or out of your life?
Little care, I.
Fine, I'll go.
But I'm not leaving.
I'm sure you'll want this back.
[RING PLINKING ON FLOOR]
[RATTLING]
[STILL RATTLING]
I didn't give you that.
Oh that's right, my wife did.
I gotta find that
or she'll kill me.
Good luck, Chuck
I hate you.
Why don't you put that in
your column, Geoffrey?
Oh, that's right!
You don't have one anymore!
Okay, put your pencils down.
STUDENTS [WHINING]:
Pass them up?
'ya c'mon! Terry,
you collect them.
I've gotta go get
something that I
Lost.
Hey hey!
Look at this!
Letters!
We got letters!
Okay! Number one,
let's get one and
Don't, uh, you gotta,
you gotta just
Try again, try again, it's okay.
Okay, here we go.
First, use a whole sheet
Use a - use a whole sheet.
Just try the whole sheet.
Okay.
I haven't asked you
a question yet.
[WHEEZING HAPPILY]
Look!
I know, but you don't it doesn't
help to type if I haven't asked
Don't, look.
Don't panicdon't.
Gimme, gimme the
All right!
So
"What should I do?
Sincerely, Depressed."
Depressed.
Okay.
Nothing pills can't
No, use the typewriter
Look, you do this.
[TYPING]
This, not like this.
Ahhh!
Not this.
[WHINING]
See this?
No.
There, that feels good, huh?
Not just letters
[ROUSINGLY GASPING]
Full words
Use a vowel!
No, look, look, don't
touch it, just don't touch it!
No!
That one's unplugged.
Gimme this!
Waaaa, ah.
Here, okay there.
We're all fresh, ready to go.
Good.
Ah-ha!
Okay, take it easy.
All right,
keep goingah-ha-ah-ha!
You got it, you got it,
now try a word.
Try a full word.
[GASPING VIGOROUSLY]
Good.
F, U C.
All right!
Good, now, OK.
Extra extra!
Read all about it!
[VOICE ECHOING]
"Dear Jerri,
"I have a crush on
this really cute guy,
"but he doesn't even
know I exist.
"What can I do to
make him notice me?
Signed, Ghost Girl."
JERRI:
"Dear Ghosty,
"the trick is to be
a whore in the bedroom,
"a whore in the kitchen,
and a whore in the
"Be a whore.
"P.S. No condoms.
Cowboys love
ridin' bareback."
Be, a whore.
MALE STONER:
"Dear Jerri,
"I've been doin'
a lot of [BIG INHALE]
"uh, drugs lately and
"I just want more because
they make me feel good.
Should I stop?"
JERRI: If you wanna
stop feeling good.
Yeah!
Ah!
[STAPLING]
"Dear Jerri,
my life is in turmoil.
"I am torn between two women
I love equally.
"A fiery Latina, and
My mama.
BLACKMAN'S VOICE [IN SYNC]: "They fight
like rabid, cornered mongeese in heat."
"One must go.
But who?
Signed, Dark-n-Handful."
JERRI:
"Dear Darky,
"mothers are a dime a dozen,
but girlfriends come one at a time.
"Take a lesson from those
Arctic savages, Eskimos -
"set Mama on an ice-flow,
and send her out
to "sea" you later.
[PHONE DIALING]
Hello.
Mama?
Hey look, it's Jerri.
Oh my God, Jerri.
Can you sign my paper?
I'd love to.
Me too.
Hey Sidney!
What's shakin'
other than my bacon?
I'm just researching a "Chocolonic
Chunky Chip Bar" for Mr. Noblet.
Jeeez, what's the
cold shoulder for?
Don't you know I'm the
new school celebrity?
[CLICKING TONGUE]
McCulloch!
Yeah!
You know, I've been
reading your column, Jerri,
and I think it's horrible
the way you've been firing off
these glib answers to
people with real problems.
But I have posters.
You're supposed to be
helping people.
I am.
I'm helping myself to
the popularity parade.
Wanna hop on my float
I don't think so Jerri.
You know, I thought you
had a lot more integrity.
Sidney!
Noblet, I'm impressed,
circulation is way up.
Of course the downside is,
you will be a lot busier,
and spending much less time
with the kids, teaching.
I insist on making
that sacrifice, sir.
I knew you would, so I arranged
a little party at the roller rink
A celebratory celebration to
celebrate our circulation.
Say, has anyone seen
"Ask Jerri" around?
I need to ask about
some advice she gave
Mmm, someone else.
She's not here.
But my mama!
I'll
Catch her later.
Hmm?
Hello, Judas!
Sorry Geoffrey, I can't hear you
above the roar of my success.
Well let's see if you
can hear this.
I'm a desperate man, Chuck,
no sense in pretending,
and desperate men
do desperate things.
Just like your ex-column,
Geoffrey,
you never seem to
arrive at a point.
Well let's see how
sharp this point is.
There's a certain someone
who has a certain secret
and if revealed,
would certainly destroy him.
And there's another
certain someone
who knows all about
this certain secret
and if that certain someone
doesn't get what he wants,
he'll tell everyone
Certainly!
You wouldn't!
Desperate!
What to do?
What to do?
That's it!
Hi, chief!
Jerri!
Well
Ahh, another day to
dole out the wisdom.
What do we got?
Ahh!
Uh.
"Dear Jerri"
Uh huh.
"I am a certain someone, who
is in certain danger of having
"a certain terrible secret revealed
by another certain someone.
Ohh.
"What should I do?"
"Signed"
"In Certain Trouble."
Hmmm.
Someone's gonna tell a secret
Hmmm.
"Dear Certain
"Dead men tell no tales.
Wink wink."
[LIGHTLY LAUGHS]
Well, another hard day's work,
oh, I'm gonna go
hit the showers.
See ya, chief.
[DRAWER OPENING]
[SOBBING]
Geoffrey, why?
[BLUBBERING]
Why?
Night fever, night fever,
roller boogie.
[LAUGHS]
I guess it falls to me to welcome
you all here to Jerri's celebration.
What a big night this
Should have been for me.
All right, well stay tuned for a
big announcement I'll be making
that's sure to bring a lot of
gasps from most of you,
and a lot of weeping
from one of you.
A lot, Chuck.
Once I was afraid -
I was petrified.
But I will survive!
I wonder where she is?
She destroyed my life!
Hey you guys!
It's As-ssk, Jerri!
Thanks to your advice,
I'm pregnant.
Oh, congratulations!
Boy or a girl?
I think you miss the point.
I'm a pregnant teenager
because I listened to you!
Well let me give you
a little advice
I don't want any of your advice.
[STUDENTS CLAMORING]
Boat propeller! Yeah.
I'm just being glib.
I am addicted to marijuana
because of you!
Boat propeller!
Boat propeller!
[STUDENT IN AN UPROAR]
Look!
I'd love to stick around
and listen to your problems,
but this is a celebration
And you people
are bringin' me way down.
All right?
God, did you get a load
of those crybabies?
Who invited 'em?
Blank!
My momma left me,
because of you!
Me? Why's it
my fault?
Mama.
[CRYING]
Ah, Sidney
What is going on?
JERRI:
Sidney
Hey, what are you doing
for, uh, Couples' Skate?
Ahh!
[CLUNK]
All I have to say to you,
Jerri, is why don't you go
back under your bridge with
your "Billy Goats Gruff".
Babies, where's this
comin' from? I
What's that your advice!
To me!
Good-bye, Jerri.
What?
Sidney.
[SCREAMING STUDENTS]
You ruined my life!
You betrayed me!
You suck!
I hate you!
The agonizing ironicallity.
Mmm!
I got something
to saaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy!
I never realized how much my
advice could hurt people,
until my advice hurt me.
So I'm giving one
last bit of advice
To, myself!
"Dear Geraldine,
"I suggest you quit the paper
and give the column
back to Mr. Jellineck."
[CHEERS AND CLAPPING]
I'm back!
I'm
Chuck, did you
hear that? Yeah!
What are you doin'?
I was just measurin' you
for your new "Welcome
Back to the Paper" hat.
Jerri, I think that's the
best advice you ever gave.
Me too. Everything's
gonna be fine.
Let's go skate.
I'm a child having a child!
I need reefer!
Mama!
[BAWLING]
I feel the night explode ♪
when we're together ♪
emotion over load ♪
in the heat of pleasure ♪
take me I'm yours ♪
into your arms ♪
never let me go ♪
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