Tacoma FD (2019) s03e07 Episode Script

1
You know, Terry, I snuck
a peek in the shower,
and for an old guy,
your penis still looks great.
[LAUGHS] You're a true gentleman.
Oh, it's wider than it is long,
but you make it work.
I'm happy to say my 25-year streak
of not looking at your
penis is still intact.
When you do catch a glance,
you're in for a treat.
- Somebody's overcompensating.
- No, sir.
Product makes the man.
Ehh.
Okay, okay. Enough of the cologne.
Cologne? This is body spray.
You know, Eddie, there's some things
a man shouldn't engage in:
plucking your eyebrows, manicures
Or, as I like to call
them, woman-icures
- Very clever.
- Saying "I'm sorry,"
- and perfumes.
- I disagree.
Scenting oneself is
a sign of confidence.
I don't need a scent to feel confident.
I have confidence to feel confident.
This is all a man needs: Kruckland soap.
No scents, no nonsense.
Ugh. Kruckland soap:
unscented, now with lavender.
I never saw that. Now
people are gonna sniff me
and think I drink gluten-free beer.
I like it. You'll smell like a meadow
after a spring rain.
Yeah.
[BOTH SIGH]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
Ooh, yeah.
Do you think the world is ready to know
about our mustache-brushing
secrets yet?
They never will. [LAUGHS]
Ready to face the day.
[FOREIGNER'S "HOT BLOODED"]
Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I got a fever of 103 ♪
I never could pull off
the whole cologne thing.
Back in high school,
I wore Polo for a week.
Felt like a fraud.
I love wearing cologne, man.
And as an exotic dancer,
it's important that you smell your best.
I like to wear Disrobé
by Paco St. Laurent.
The old ladies love it.
And as an added bonus,
it tastes like bitter apple,
which discourages licking.
I like a guy who smells natural.
Like, when I watch a Vin Diesel movie
and he's all sweaty with
his sleeveless T-shirt,
I just wanna jam my nose
into his bald armpit.
Ugh. What happened to the little girl
who wanted to marry her daddy?
Chief, now that you've
broken up with your soap,
I'm thinking it's time for Terry McConky
to adopt a signature scent.
I'd rather stick my nose
in Vin Diesel's bald armpit.
Well, he's got two of
them. I'll see you there.
Ugh, what's happening?
Hey, you might want
to reconsider, Chief.
Studies say, while men are attracted
to their mate's looks,
women are attracted to the smell.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Studies also say
the body's natural
scent changes with age,
so middle-aged men smell the worst.
I smell the way I always smelled.
Yeah, fried doughy.
What? [SNIFFS]
Mm. No, that's just doughy.
[LAUGHS] Okay, this game's over.
- Everyone get back to work.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
Oh, hey. It's Andy's birthday this week.
- BOTH: Hey.
- [LAUGHS]
It says you're only gonna turn nine.
Yeah, I'm a leap year baby.
I was born on February 29th,
so my birthday's every four years.
Uh-ho! That must be so weird.
So do you celebrate
on the 28th or the 1st?
Neither. My mom's a real
stickler for accuracy,
so I've only celebrated my birthday
eight times in my entire life.
- [LAUGHTER]
- [MOUTHING] What?
I don't know why you
think that's so funny.
Well, when your sister's
your mom and your mom's
your grandma,
you take the laughs
where you can find them.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- Well, you know what?
We are gonna celebrate the shit
outta your birthday this year.
I appreciate the thought, Lucy,
but Chief has a strict ban
on station birthday parties.
No, my dad loves birthday parties.
- Not station birthday parties.
- Why?
Apparently, he thinks
some past celebrations
crossed the line.
Hey. Happy birthday.
- ALL: Oh!
- Yeah.
Oh-ho-ho, look at that! It's me.
Happy birthday.
- Whoop.
- Oh.
- ALL: Oh.
- [LAUGHING] Hey!
Oh, that's a wholesome-looking cake.
My dick's inside it.
[LAUGHTER]
ALL: Oh!
Bottom line: your dad's
a station party pooper,
and station birthday parties
are his preferred parties to poop on.
I'm sure my dad would be willing
to make an exception this year.
Chief is not gonna
bend the rules for me.
He still thinks I overcharged him
for the carpet in his office.
Andy, I told you, he doesn't think that.
- Hey-oh, forgot my coffee.
- Oh.
Hey, Chief? I have a question.
I know you have a policy
against station birthday parties, but
My policy is, I hate them.
They're a waste of time in the work day.
You always gotta stop what you're doin'.
You gotta sign the card.
You gotta sing the song.
You gotta eat the cake.
It always has a dick on it.
Yeah, that's the best part.
You wanna celebrate
the day you were born,
do it on your time.
This is my time.
Chief, I don't know if
you remember this or not,
but Andy was born on a
leap year, right? So
And he overcharged me for my carpet.
Oh, yeah. That's right.
No station parties. Test me on this,
and you will be repainting
every fire hydrant in town.
Okay? Carry on.
A lotta stuff here. Huh. Evaporé.
Empty. That's weird.
- Chief-y.
- Yeah. What's up?
Are you really gonna be a hard-ass
about this birthday party?
Ugh, you too?
What are you, six years old?
It's a birthday party.
Have it at the bar after the shift.
You can all get drunk and hug.
[SIGHS] What's this?
These are bottles of
cologne that Vicky's given me
over the years. I never used them.
And now, I'm wondering if she was
trying to tell me something.
-
- Nah.
I've never been a cologne guy,
but maybe I was being selfish, you know?
She always got so dolled up for me.
Let me help you.
I have the best nose west
of the Rocky Mountains.
Mm, that sounds made up to me.
Open any bottle.
I'll tell you what it is
and the celebrity you
hate who endorses it.
I don't hate celebrities.
I just want something that smells good.
- Try.
- Okay, ready?
Blimey, by Harry Styles.
Oh, ho, ho, ho. Pretty good.
He's a little British boy.
He is. A little cherubim.
Please, sir. I want some more.
Oh, I'm hungry, sir. Please!
I can't do that. Okay.
Try another one, then.
Okay.
Unencumbered, by Benedict Cumberbatch.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho. Huh.
- Bada boom.
- Two for two.
- I don't like him.
He's got those black, beady eyes.
Like a doll's eyes.
You know who I wanna smell like?
Jason Statham. I bet
he smells like a man.
Statham has a cologne, Transporté.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] It always delivers.
- But you couldn't pull it off.
- How do you know?
Because you need something
that goes with onion rings.
Like this one, Ranch, by Sam Elliott.
- [WESTERN MUSIC, WHIP CRACKS]
- [LAUGHS] Good one.
How does anybody figure this out?
Because they have a
friend named Eddie Penisi.
And he knows someone
named Antonin Aroma.
Who's Antonin Aroma?
He's my scent mentor.
Hello, sexy cats.
Oh, hello, sexy kitten.
I'm here to show you
how to find your scent to make the sex.
This guy's cool.
Have no fear, little meow-meows.
I'll never let you cologne
- alone.
- I mean, he's got
so much cologne on
the shelves behind him.
He must know what he's talking about.
Mint, rosemary, sage,
tonka beans, spicy, grassy,
leathery, woody, mmh, intoxicating.
I'll help you find your bad boy sex
and shove it into a bottle.
Hey, beam this to my computer.
The word is cast, you Luddite.
You're asking me to cast it.
Okay, cast it to my computer.
I don't know how to do that.
Please stop with the party stuff.
No. You only celebrate your
birthday every four years.
And my dad's just being a dick.
I just wish there was a way
we could throw a party behind his back.
No, I don't wanna go against the chief.
Our relationship's already on the skids.
Besides, throwing
a party behind his back?
It's impossible.
No, Ike. It is not impossible.
Well, what makes you
think it's possible?
Hm. What is this thing on my jacket?
Ah, that's right.
Penisi. So it is possible.
That said, we're not gonna do it.
But we could if we wanted to.
It kinda sounds like you want to.
It really does, doesn't it?
Okay, let's have a party.
- Hey, yeah!
- Are you serious?
Happy ninth birthday, man!
A party right under the chief's nose?
Mm-hmm.
How're you gonna pull that off?
It's called a silent disco.
I read about it
in this month's issue of "Suave AF."
Now, this is how I see it.
At 3:55 p.m. on Wednesday,
we rendezvous in the bunk room
and synchronize our watches.
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]
The chief is a creature of habit.
Every day at 3:58, he has
his late afternoon fruit pie.
At 4:00, he sits back and
watches the two-hour block
of Judge Janey and Judge Theo.
At that time, he turns
the TV volume to 12
because Judge Janey's voice
has trouble registering
through his tinnitus.
That's our first opening.
The DJ will be equipped with a pair
of high-quality headphones
for each partygoer.
Good DJs are hard to find.
Already found one.
I'm kind of a big deal on
the bar mitzvah circuit.
One, two, three. One, two, three.
Granny and the rest of the
party's quiet entertainment
will be transported to the second floor,
where the party will commence.
We'll dance silently to
the latest club favorites.
Then, the presents, which
will be a louder enterprise.
And that's where the Chief's
pre-dusk BM comes in.
It takes place in the three minutes
between Judge Janey and Judge Theo.
[LAUGHING]
[STRAINING]
He's taking a shit.
When he flushes, we'll
have the necessary cover.
- [TOILET FLUSHING]
- A toilet flush isn't a lot of time.
This is Chief Terrance Lesley McConky.
He flushes twice for courtesy,
twice to get it down.
So long, cherry pie.
[TOILET FLUSHING]
[GRUNTS] Oh, yeah.
Then, he has his second fruit pie
and dozes off to Judge Theo.
Then we're in the clear.
- Oh, man!
- Oh, ho, ho!
Oh, and the party can be He-Man themed!
Oh, that's awesome!
No, no, no. I'm not on
board for this, you guys.
What, shut up, Andy.
You're turning nine, dude!
Every nine-year-old wants
a He-Man themed birthday party!
I love it. It's just,
it's not worth it for me
to piss off the chief again.
He's not gonna find out.
Can no one else read this thing?
I can read it. And it says party!
By the power of Grayskull,
I have the power!
He-Man, thoom, thoom.
- Hey!
- Gah!
Happy birthday!
[LAUGHS] Happy birthday!
I still can't do it.
We're doin' it, bro.
You're gonna love it!
Every perfume has three layers.
I call it the scent pyramid.
The top layer is the head layer.
Hello, how are you?
Just introducing myself.
The middle layer's the heart layer.
Now I love you. Please write me letters.
The base layer is the
bottom, the foundation.
Everyone runs to it, hugs it, loves it.
Pour that concrete, bitch!
Now, if you spin this
pyramid upside down,
it becomes a cone.
Smell cone.
I call it the slush puppy of love.
Put anything you like into it.
Cinnamon, great.
Aphrodite's hairdos, fine.
"Lethal Weapon" 3, 4
Not 5 dump it in.
Dunk it in. Suck it up. Buy it.
Ah, scheisse.
- Whoo! Today is the day!
- [HUMMING]
Everything's stashed in the truck.
And I picked up the cake
and the food platters.
- Nice!
- And I got all
the He-Man paper
plates and party favors.
- He-Man?
- Oh, yeah, so technically,
it's Him-Guy, Maestro of the Galaxy,
but that's Chinatown for ya.
Still awesome, though.
Oh, check this out. Piñata.
- No way, it's chief!
- Oh, a piñata.
Look at the proportions.
Look at this thing:
gut and no butt.
- What's inside?
- Ah, no, no, no.
That is a secret. But
you're gonna love it.
Hey, yo, everybody!
Hey, Chief!
Hey, what's up? Smell me. Smell me.
Deep breath. Breathe it in!
Not with your mouth.
What're you, a fish? I'm
making a custom scent.
Smell. Smell, smell, smell, smell.
Smells like turpentine. And cinnamon.
That's not really what I was going for.
Hmm. All right. Back
to the drawing board.
Penisi, my office.
But it's almost time for Judge Janey.
Oh, no. Judge Janey
got yanked off the air
for making a racist tweet.
Oh, no! Not Judge Janey!
Man, this cancel culture is crazy.
- What she do?
- She bragged about burning
a cross on the front lawn of
her gay Pakistani neighbor.
- ALL: Yeah.
- That'll do it.
Really good cancel.
- Court dismissed.
- [LAUGHS]
Anyway, I'm gonna nail this scent
if it takes me all day.
Captain, I need your
world-famous nose. C'mon.
You know what? I got stuff to do.
Take Andy.
- Me?
- Yeah.
Andy's nose is way better than mine.
Hawaiian people are known
for their discerning noses
and their overall
favorable personal odor.
All right. Watch it now.
We already lost Judge Janey today.
Okay. That makes sense.
Myawani, you're with me. Let's go.
Okay, Chief.
Cap, I don't know
anything about cologne.
Don't worry about it.
You can rehab your relationship.
We'll prep your party
while you distract him
and you can make him like you again.
- Try to enjoy yourself.
- Chin up, guy.
Ooh. Oh, what's this?
This is the sound of irresistibility.
[WHISPERING] Isaac Newton.
He's smart. He's funny.
He's good looking.
- Nice suit.
- Right?
So, what is all this?
This is my official
Antonin Aroma fragrance making kit.
Start with something
strong as a base note,
perhaps cedar or sandalwood.
Once you begin with this,
skies are the limitations.
- Oh, these two.
- What's inside this box?
Well, cedar keeps moss away.
Sandals are for hippies,
so let's go cedar.
Okay.
Hey, thanks for doin' this with me.
- I really appreciate it.
- This is a lot of fun.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS]
I do declare
Oh, uh, what did Antonin say?
Let me turn that up a little bit.
Everyone will come running to you.
You're gonna smell like Miami
after a dank rain.
Say hi to Dwyane Wade
while you're down there.
Hey, let's put peppercorn in there.
- You want spice?
- Yeah, why not?
It's good on a steak, it's good on me.
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]
[HORN SQUEAKING]
Who the hell is this clown?
He says he was hired for the party.
Hey, kids. It's Blammo! Ha, ha.
Shh.
What're you doin'? What're you doin'?
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Are you kiddin' me?
I didn't order a clown.
I ordered two Vegas-style showgirls.
In the party business,
that's what we call
the old bait-and-switch.
Probably should've read the fine print.
- [HONKS HORN]
- Hey! Hey.
Blammo, this is supposed
to be a quiet party.
Can you at least mime?
Are you serious?
I studied mime in Paris
at L'Ecole Internationale.
You make one little
peep, and I will turn
that squirting flower into
your own personal bidet.
[HONKS HORN]
Shh!
Ooh.
It's terrific.
It smells like pipe tobacco
on a crisp autumn evening.
Ooh, while sipping on peated whiskey.
After shearing your flock
of sheep on the meadow.
Ooh. Ah, man.
Congratulations, Chief. You did it!
No, we did it.
Nah. [LAUGHS]
What should we call it?
We should call it Terré.
No, Terré Andé.
- Right?
- Yeah.
Okay. Let's listen to the guy.
Once you've created your perfect scent,
throw it away! It's garbage.
- BOTH: What!
- Why would you pick
the first scent you created?
Do you marry the first
person you sleep with?
Sleep around. Sniff around.
- Squirt around.
- No, no, no.
Chief, no, no. Don't listen to this guy.
Would you marry the first
person you slept with?
Yes. I'll show you when I do it.
No, you gotta listen to the man.
Chief!
I want you to embark
on an odor exploration
of your surroundings.
Find things that tickle your nostrils.
That does it, Andy.
Let's odor explore. Take notes.
No, no, no, no, no. Chief, wait! Wait!
You're gonna like the way you smell.
I guarantee it.
[LOUDLY] Shouldn't we start
with the smells in your office,
Chief, instead of
here in the break room?
Oh.
Ah, magic marker. Huh? Smell that.
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
Write it down. Write it down. C'mon.
[LAUGHS] Okay, let's go.
Ooh, look at this, huh? [LAUGHS]
- Mm. Buffalo wing sauce.
- Ooh.
- Just take a whiff.
- Whoa! Spicy!
Yeah, spicy, fresh, aromatic.
Aha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Man, what great smells
from the kitchen, huh?
Why are you yelling?
I'm just excited to be
in the kitchen with Chief!
Man, this is a lot of presents for Andy.
Ooh, ooh, hoo, hoo. Check it out.
Pretty slick, huh? You
bring yours, Granny?
Oh, man. I'm sorry. I thought you were
just joking about the tux part.
Yeah, that part's kinda stupid.
[LAUGHS] I'm just putting you guys on.
This is for something else entirely.
- Don't worry about this.
- What? What is it for?
A charity event. It's a Tacoma charity
for, uh, kids with big dicks.
- Knock, knock.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho!
I am Him-Guy. [LAUGHS]
Argh. Cool, right? Yeah.
And you're gonna be
the knock-off version
of She-Ra, Her-Gal.
More like Me-No.
What're you gonna be, Captain?
Ah, dude. Uh, nothing.
This is for something else.
I got a quinceañera.
- Hey, look at that wig.
- I know, right?
It fits me perfect, everything.
All right. Let's go
to the apparatus floor.
Oh, great idea, apparatus floor!
Let's go there right now!
- There's gonna be so many
- You guys, hide!
- Oh.
- Oh, man.
Wait, no, he's gonna
know. I'm wearing a costume.
Wait, Chief!
[LOW ROCK MUSIC]
[SNIFFS]
Gasoline. [SNIFFS, EXHALES]
Ooh, yeah. [LAUGHING]
Okay.
Mm. Canvas.
Write that down. Okay.
Ooh, rubber.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah. Brass.
Wash that later, would ya?
I think we have enough, Chief.
Mm, I don't think so.
[SNIFFING, EXHALING]
What's that?
- Uh, a crayon?
- A crayon?
Should we add it to the smells?
This is no crayon.
Surprise!
Get out here!
[SIGHS] Where are the rest of you guys?
Get over here! I thought
I made myself clear.
You disobeyed a direct order.
Believe me. There will be hell to pay.
[GRUMBLES]
- Did he recognize who I was?
- Yeah.
Oh, man. This is bullshit.
This is supposed to be B Shift's turn
to wax and strip the floor.
Yeah, not the party I was hoping for.
I'm sorry.
You guys were just looking out for me,
- and I got us all in trouble.
- Ah, shit!
You guys, let's not give up.
We still have to find a way to celebrate
Andy's birthday somehow.
No way. If it was impossible then,
it's impossible now.
You're right, Granny. It's impossible.
Ah, settle down, sweetie, settle down.
How did you
Damn!
There's that pesky name tag again,
a constant reminder of how awesome I am.
Of course it's possible.
You've got a plan, don't you?
What do mice do when they wanna party?
- Drugs.
- They hang a bell
around the cat's neck.
Do you love the new fragrance
you've created for yourself?
No. My new fragrance sucks!
- Ah, come on.
- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Hey. I come bearing a gift.
Go back and do your punishment.
Even if it's your perfect scent?
- What's that mean?
- I feel bad about earlier.
So I brought you something
from my personal reserve.
Banned by the FDA.
Women were so attracted to it,
they were running into traffic.
Hm. Ho. [SNIFFING] It's strong.
It's made special for people
who don't shower for weeks on end.
- Who's the celeb?
- Sting.
- What's it called?
- Stingk.
Stingk, all right. Yeah, okay.
This is how you activate
it, with plenty of squirts.
I think my throat's closing.
Okay, well, then close your mouth.
Sex! [SNIFFS, SIGHS]
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC]
[SNORING]
- [LAMP CLANGS]
- Oh.
- [QUIETLY] Yeah!
- [SHUSHING]
[GROANS]
[SNIFFS]
Trouble!
[SNIFFS]
[QUIETLY] Move out!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Eddie
Huh. They must be on a call.
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC]
Ah.
[SIGHS]
[TOILET FLUSHING]
[FRANTIC MUSIC]
[INAUDIBLE]
[SHUSHING]
Ow, God! Ugh.
- Shh!
- [WHISPERING] What?
You're being too loud.
Hey, man!
- Shh!
- Are you sure he's not coming?
This nose is a finely tuned instrument.
If there was even a molecule of Stingk,
by Sting, I would know.
I think I hear footsteps.
Relax, relax. [SNIFFS]
All I'm smelling is
your coconut oil shampoo,
mildew from the shower,
and a cloud of cinnamon
potpourri air freshener.
We're good.
Your nose is remarkable.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Again?
[ALL GASPING]
Now I'm smelling Stingk.
This is unbelievable.
Now, you're all suspended without pay.
- C'mon!
- What!
Chief, no
If you're not gonna respect my orders,
I'm gonna make some permanent changes.
- Come on.
- I've gotta take a shower.
I smell like Sting.
- Can we just finish the
- I said good day.
No, you didn't.
Well, I'm saying it now. Good day.
Chief, wait.
Andy, what are you doing?
Here.
What's this?
It's an extra bottle of cologne.
- Terré Andé?
- Yeah.
And I came up with a tag line:
for the man who thirsts for adventure
but never wants to leave his couch.
- Terré Andé.
- That's pretty good.
I feel terrible.
I didn't get you anything.
Uh, actually, you did, Chief.
Thanks for all the presents, guys.
- No problem, man.
- You got it.
But the one-on-one time with Chief
was the best present of all.
Oh, shut the fuck up, man.
No, no, no, I mean it! I mean it.
- I mean it.
- What's the matter with you?
I never had a dad to make cologne with.
I don't know that any of us did.
Well, it made for a great birthday.
You know what?
Happy birthday, Kobonko.
I mean, screw it.
I can bend the rules this once, right?
- Hey.
- Party?
Party.
[ALL CHEERING]
[HORN BLOWING]
- But the clown goes.
- He's a mime.
I don't care who he belongs
to, get his ass outta here.
[LAUGHS] Get outta here.
- No clowns in the bunk room.
- BOTH: Get outta here!
[SHOUTING]
They're going to town on this thing.
It makes me uncomfortable.
- Whoa!
- Oh-ho-ho!
Show a little respect for the pinata.
- It's piñata.
- That's what I said, pinata.
No, no, piñata.
- Pinata.
- Can you not say Ñ?
- En-ay.
- [SIGHS]
- ALL: Oh!
- Oh, come on.
[ALL CHEERING]
What?
He's filled with pastrami sandwiches,
just like the real chief!
ALL: Yeah!
- That's a good idea.
- Yeah, yeah.
I mean, there's some pastrami
sandwiches in there, right?
There are. They're not
wrapped in plastic, though.
- Are you sure?
- Pretty sure.
[ALL CHEER]
Got any cake left?
- Yeah, but just one piece.
- Oh.
- The penis.
- Oh.
At least it's pixelated.
I like to say dicks-elated.
- Hm, hm.
- Okay.
- Moist.
- Yeah, not bad, right?