Ted Lasso (2020) s03e07 Episode Script

1
["DREAMS" PLAYING]
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- Mush! [WHISTLING]
[KEELEY] Now, that's a
cup of coffee. It's strong.
Good though.
- I got you something.
- [SQUEALS]
- Ooh. I love somethings.
- [CHUCKLES]
[SQUEALS] What is this?
Sense and Sensibility.
Oh, I love this book.
- I loved the movie more though.
- [CHUCKLES]
Wait, is this, like, a
first edition or something?
- Yep. And it's signed.
- No.
"Keeley, you go girl! Jane Austen."
[BOTH LAUGH]
Did you destroy a priceless
artifact just to make me laugh?
[STAMMERS] One, it wasn't priceless.
It was actually very expensive.
Two, I can get very jealous, and I
hate the idea of you regifting that.
And three, no, I
didn't. That is all her.
And she really wants you to
"go girl," so [CHUCKLING]
you better go girl.
- Oh, I'll go. Watch me.
- [LAUGHS]
Come here. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Hey, Cindy. How are you? Good.
How you doing, brother? You okay?
- Good morning, Faridah.
- Oh, morning, Sam.
[SIGHS] Okay. I have a favor to ask.
- Hmm.
- Do we have an open table on Friday night?
[LAUGHING]
Oh, you're being serious? No.
The restaurant is booked for months.
The waiting list is
a lie we tell people.
O-Okay. We have a very
special guest coming,
so I need a "Ray Liotta" for one.
[MUMBLES] I'll take care
of it, take care of it.
- [CHUCKLES] You're the best.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Okay. Thank you.
- [SIMI] Oh. Fuck you!
- If you will excuse me.
- [FARIDAH] Mm-hmm.
- Is everything okay in here?
- [SIGHS] I don't know.
- Is everything okay in here?
- [STAFF] Yes, Chef!
- Everything's fine.
- So who were you talking to?
- Brinda Barot.
- And was she here?
No, poo poo head.
A refugee boat's coming in,
and our home secretary
wants to send them away.
- Why would she do that?
- Because she's the devil.
- Right?
- [STAFF] Yes, Chef!
Okay, listen. Brinda
Barot sucks for sure,
but, Simi, it's way too
early to be this angry.
Maybe you should start
drinking coffee again.
It's better for your heart.
Why are you here?
Is there a photo shoot for Footballer
Passion Project Magazine,
- or something?
- [CHUCKLES]
No, I just stopped by to
make sure everything was okay.
Everything is perfect.
Mm-hmm. What about the spoons?
[INHALES DEEPLY, STAMMERS]
[SIGHS]
They don't match.
Samuel, if the food is good,
which it is, no one
cares about the spoons.
- Am I right?
- [STAFF] Yes, Chef!
[CHUCKLES]
[INHALES SHARPLY] You know, just
My father is coming this weekend.
So Fuck. And I just [STAMMERS]
I want everything to be perfect.
He's coming all the way
from Nigeria. [CHUCKLES]
Hmm. If this bitch lets him in.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
[TED] All right, fellas, focus up here.
Right about now, Roy's
gonna make things dark
so that Coach Beard here
can shed some light. Coach.
At the 1974 World Cup,
the tiny country of the
Netherlands came out of nowhere
and made it all the way
to the World Cup Final,
playing the home team,
heavily favored Germany.
Those Dutch hippies scored before
the Germans even touched the ball.
Yeah, but Holland lost that game.
Correct. But along the way,
they won the hearts of
fans all around the world
with a style of play dare I say,
a philosophy called Total Football.
Which, coincidentally, Coach dreamed up
in a barbecue-sauce-related
hallucination just last week.
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
No, it's true. But hey, it's not
about me. Go on, keep shining.
The best player on that team
and the godfather of Total
Football was this guy.
Can anyone tell me who this is?
That's Tim Robinson from I
Think You Should Leave.
No. It is Dutch football
legend, Johan Cruyff.
It's pronounced Cruijff.
My apologies. With Total Football,
- Johan Cruijff
- That's it.
took his small club Ajax to
three straight European titles.
Now, he later became
a coach, first at Ajax,
and then he took Total
Football to Barcelona,
where he won the Spanish
championship four years in a row.
Now a central cog of that
team was an industrious
but brilliant midfielder
named Josep Guardiola.
AKA Pep.
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]
- [WHISTLES] Look at that head of hair.
God had to take it away
- just to balance things out, you know?
- Hmm.
Pep became a coach as well, honing
his own version of Total Football
that he took to Barcelona
and Bayern Munich,
eventually landing at our great
white whale, Manchester City.
[PLAYERS BOO]
Where he briefly coached a
very talented young player
until that beautiful dum-dum
quit to go do a reality show.
- [PLAYERS LAUGH]
- I was robbed!
[ALL LAUGH]
Total Football is
about constant movement.
Players are no longer in set positions.
Defenders are free to attack.
Attackers are trusted to defend.
It's about taking risks and
supporting each other's choices.
Like when your friend wears something
new and outside his comfort zone,
and instead of ignoring it,
everybody pays him a compliment.
- [PLAYERS MURMURING IN AGREEMENT]
- By the way, great hat, Ash.
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]
- [PLAYER] Oh, yeah.
- It's pretty sweet. Hmm.
- Yeah, it frames his face nicely.
Exactly. Total Football is
about letting go of your baggage
and trusting your intuition.
It's jazz. It's Motown. It's
Mamet. It's Pinter. It's Einstein.
It's Keurig. It's Gaga!
It's my mother proudly displaying
her vibrator on the bedside table!
It's about throwing off the constraints
put upon you by society
and by yourselves!
We all know football is life.
But a beautiful life
is Total Football.
[PLAYERS CHEERING]
That's good. That's you right there.
- Give it up, that's Coach.
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]
All right, fellas, we
wanted y'all to know
a little bit about the
history of Total Football,
because that's what we're
gonna start playing here.
- What? No. No, no, no, wait. What?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oi! You turn those frowns upside
down 'cause we're fucking doing this.
We're gonna drill it,
we're gonna train it
and then in a couple of months,
we're taking Total Football
to the fucking pitch.
No, actually we're gonna do it
this Saturday against Arsenal.
- Well, that's fucking mental.
- No, it'll be fine.
- [PLAYERS CLAMORING]
- Oh, hush your butts!
- [CLAMORING CONTINUES]
- Hush your butt! Let's go. come on.
[SHUSHES] No, no, no. Ah, cool it.
It's gonna be fine.
I don't wanna hear it.
- Let's go, come on!
- I hear butts!
Hush your butt, hush your butt, hush
your butt. Gotta hush them butts.
Isaac, come on, be a
captain. Get that butt hushed.
I don't wanna hear it,
Van Damme. Hush your butt.
Oh, Ms. Jones, we have a problem. The
Oh, no, wait, actually, no, we don't.
Sorry, sort of force
of habit or something.
- Um, I'm just dropping this off.
- Thank you.
Oh. That's That's
very lovely. Oh, may I?
Yeah, of course, go.
Oh. I never would've, uh,
thought that you liked books.
Uh, I mean, um, that you
collect first editions.
Oh, no, I don't. That
was a gift from Jack.
Oh, wow. What a very nice gift
to receive. From your boss.
She's not really my boss, right?
She's helping me execute my vision.
Oh, it must be nice to have such
a a generous friend that, um,
delivers expensive gifts
to your place of work.
No, no. She gave it to me this
morning when we had breakfast together.
Coffee. We had, um
We had a coffee together.
At a coffee shop. But we
didn't arrive together.
We came from sep separate
places, and we met there.
[STAMMERING] She was late actually.
Well, I had a warm yogurt
on the tube in my pajamas.
You take the tube in your pajamas?
Yeah, sometimes, yes. When
I want to beat the rush.
And, um And then I
just get changed in the
in the toilets when I get here.
Ooh. Smart.
- Ms. Jones.
- Barbara.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[TYPING ON COMPUTER KEYBOARD]
[TEXT REPLY ALERT]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
- [TYPING ON COMPUTER KEYBOARD]
- [TEXT REPLY ALERT]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
- Hey, Siri.
- [SIRI] Yes, Wunderkind?
Um, could you set a reminder
for tomorrow at 7:00 p.m.
for Nicole's birthday dinner? Thank you.
Okay, your reminder is
set for tomorrow at 7:00.
- Siri.
- Yes, Wunderkind?
How can you tell if a girl likes
you or is just being nice to you?
You can't.
[CHATTERING]
So now I'm starting to get all
these subtle, little hints from Jane.
Like, certain magazines
left on the coffee table
and always hearing about
her friends who are doing it.
Well, marriage is a big
commitment, you know?
No, I'm talking about pegging.
Oh. Well, still. [CHUCKLES]
Wait, what magazines?
- Here you go, lads.
- Thanks, Mae.
- You okay, Mae?
- No.
We win, this place is packed.
We lose, it's like this. [SIGHS]
I actually prefer it. You can
finally hear yourself think in here.
Fuck off.
Hmm.
[GLASSES CLINK, THUD ON TABLE]
Hey, Lasso. We wanted to apologize.
- What for?
- For getting all soft on you.
Yeah, we humanized you
and lost all objectivity.
Main reason why farmers
don't name their livestock.
And why we don't learn the names
of Baz's brother's girlfriends anymore.
Because he's a male whore.
Exactly. So we're gonna
backslide a little bit.
Now what the fuck are you
doing to our team, wanker?
- Okay.
- [TED] You Well N Now, hold on,
hold on, hold on, Coach. [CHUCKLES]
Well, I tell you what, fellas.
Why don't you come watch training
tomorrow? See for yourselves.
We ain't running a chocolate
factory or Deutsche Bank.
We got nothing to hide from
y'all. See you tomorrow?
Yeah. You will.
- [LAUGHS]
- What?
- Should I wear a suit?
- I'm definitely gonna take a shower.
- I mean, gotta do that. Yeah, definitely.
- Yeah.
Coach, you sure it's smart to
invite fans to our practices?
It's their team. We're just borrowing
it for a little while. You know?
Anyway [SIGHS]
I guess marriage and pegging
aren't really that different.
[TED] Yeah, it's all about compromise.
["SOMETIME IN THE MORNING" PLAYING]
- There he is! [CHUCKLES]
- God! Sorry.
The hottest coach in the league!
- [CHUCKLES]
- Thank you.
I won a lot of money off your
lot. So, keep it up. Please.
[CHUCKLES] Table for one?
Um, no, I thought I'd Just passing.
Uh, is Jade working today? Do you know?
No, she's off Tuesdays.
She goes to school.
Or feeds her mum. I don't
listen, so I don't really know.
Okay. Well, um, just
say that I said hello.
Um Actually, you know what,
don't don't say anything. Um
Actually, no, do. Uh,
say, if you, um, uh, y
No. Just don't say anything.
Unless she asks after me.
In which case, just say
that I said hello. [CHUCKLES]
- And why would she ask after you?
- Exactly. I don't kn
Um, thank you, uh, Derek.
Thank you. Bye. Um, uh, yes,
no, just [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
[MOCKING, LAUGHS] All right.
- Hey, Trent.
- [TRENT] Hello, Ted.
- Hey, Ted!
- Hey, fellas!
- [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]
The fuck are they doing here?
I don't know. Ask Beard,
he's the one who invited them.
[TED BLOWS WHISTLE]
All right, my Merry Pranksters.
If we're gonna play Total Football,
there are four things
we need to focus on.
All right? Number one, conditioning.
Y'all gotta get into even better shape.
Number two, versatility.
Number three, awareness.
And number four
I don't know what that one is
yet. But I know it's important.
Starting today, we're gonna have to
turn things up a notch around here.
So I'ma hand it over to
your drill instructor,
Sergeant Roy Kent. [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
Whistle! On your feet, maggots!
[PLAYERS MUTTERING] Right.
Today you're gonna run from
end to end to end to end.
But lucky for you, I'm in a good mood.
So you've only gotta do that
for the whole fucking practice.
Whistle.
- Why doesn't he just use a whistle?
- He's allergic to metal.
Football stars, they're just like us.
Run!
[PLAYERS SHOUTING]
You sure you don't
want a plastic whistle?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Ooh, cute flowers.
- Aw, thanks.
Yeah, daisies are my favorite.
- Huh. And I thought I was.
- Wait!
- [MUTTERS, CLEARS THROAT]
- [REMOTE CLICKS]
Why'd you do that?
- Shit, you're right, yeah.
- [REMOTE CLICKS]
- [GASPS, SCREAMS] No. Off. On. On?
- Keeley. Keeley.
- On or off? Off? On or off?
- [CLEARS THROAT] Keeley. Keeley, s
- On? On. Do you want it on or off?
- Keeley. Keeley. [STAMMERING]
- On or off? Off? On? Off or on?
- Stop. Give it Give it to me. Thank you.
- What's going on?
- I'm sorry.
I am just not built for
a secret office romance.
I'm used to everyone
knowing everything about me.
Barbara saw the book that you gave me,
and, uh, I didn't think that I
could tell her that we were dating,
because I don't want
us to get in trouble.
We can't get into trouble 'cause
we are two consenting adults.
And I'm get-away-with-murder rich, so
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Like who else? Name names.
- Everyone connected to Epstein.
Keeley, I don't care if people in
the office know we're dating, do you?
No, of course not. I just didn't
know how serious you were about this.
Come with me.
Okay.
Hey, everyone. Uh, quick announcement.
Keeley and I are dating.
And it's it's brand-new,
but I'm serious about it.
And so both of us just
wanted to let you all know
so that there were no secrets.
'Cause it's it's all good.
I'm not crazy. She's not crazy.
You're not crazy, right?
[INHALES SHARPLY]
Neither of us are crazy.
[CHUCKLES] But, if any
of you have any issues
or concerns about this at all,
please do not hesitate to come and
speak to me or Keeley or Barbara.
Cool?
Cool.
And congratulations, Jack and Keeley.
- Love is love, i Right.
- No, that's enough, Dan. Thank you.
["ROCKS" PLAYING]
[GRUNTING, PANTING]
[RETCHING]
[RETCHES]
This is some of the best
puking I've ever seen.
Yeah, me too. And we spend
most of our lives at the pub.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [PLAYERS PANTING, GROANING]
All right. Nice job, gentlemen.
Okay, that's it for today.
Now we scrimmage!
[PLAYERS GROAN]
[REBECCA] Honestly, my
jacket's still a bit canal-y.
- [KEELEY LAUGHING]
- It's really bad. Mmm.
Okay, so, you never got his name?
And you never told him yours?
Yeah, see, that part's
not that weird to me.
If you really didn't
have sex with the guy,
now that is fucking bonkers.
Look, what we shared, it just
It transcended sex. It was
- Magic.
- Gezellig.
But, yeah, I would've liked
to have seen his penis.
- [LAUGHS] Oh! It is so good to see you.
- Oh, you too. [CHUCKLES]
- It has been way too long.
- Hmm.
Because I've lost you to another woman.
- I know. I'm sorry.
- Oh, I am joking.
So come on. How's it going?
- Oh, it is great. I mean, she is so cool.
- Mmm.
She's smart. [STAMMERS] Super foxy.
- Mmm.
- She's an amazing gift-giver.
Oh, my God, and the way she proclaimed
our relationship to the entire office.
It was so fucking hot.
Mmm. I think she might
be love bombing you.
- She's "love what-ing" me?
- Love bombing.
That's when you're bombarded
with expensive gifts and trips
and grand gestures of love.
- [CHUCKLES]
- They call it love bombing.
- Who does?
- I don't know. They do.
Those "they" out there that name stuff.
But what I do know is that on
my second date with Rupert
- Second date
- Hmm.
he took me to a car showroom
and said, "Which one do you want?"
- Oh, I would fucking love that.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
What did you do?
Well, I asked him if he
was referring to the cars
or the beautiful saleswomen
suddenly tripping over
themselves to help us.
[LAUGHS] And?
I drove home in a bloody
lovely Jaguar, of course.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
It just felt nice to be
taken care of for once.
Mmm.
Look,
I'm not saying that Jack is like Rupert.
But sometimes shiny things can tarnish.
I think it's fine.
Okay, good. Good. [INHALES DEEPLY]
Just trust yourself.
I ignored so many red flags in my past.
Yeah. Well, maybe we're love blind?
Ooh, love blind. What's that?
It's an emotional version of color
blindness where a person interprets
red flags as giant green,
just-fucking-go-for-it flags.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Did you come up with that?
- Yeah, I did.
Oh, my God. You're one of
those "they" that name stuff.
- [GASPS] Shit, I think I might be.
- I think you might be.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, sorry, excuse me. Could we
get the bill, please? Thank you.
Actually, the bill was
already taken care of by Jack.
She said she hopes you
both enjoyed your meal.
[GASPS] What a massive surprise.
- Wow, yeah. [CHUCKLES]
- What? [GASPS]
Well, then I think we ought to
have some tiramisu. Don't you?
- Definitely. Mm-hmm.
- Oh, and, uh, two bottles
of the '34 Château Cheval Blanc
Saint-Emilion Premier Grand Cru to go.
And one for yourself. Mmm.
[IMITATES BOMB EXPLODING]
- [NATHAN'S FAMILY LAUGHS]
- [SOPHIA] Happy birthday, Mum.
- [NICOLE] Ooh, wow.
- [FAMILY EXCLAIMS]
I love it.
Well, it was my vision, but
Uncle Nate made it happen.
- Ah.
- She was actually quite specific. So
[ALL CHUCKLING]
Thank you, cheeky. Thanks, Nate.
Let's have a look, love. It's lovely.
So, come on.
You're the hottest coach
in the Premier League,
which makes me the
coolest lawyer in the firm.
Please tell me you're hooking
up with girls left and right.
Okay, I I don't
think this kind of talk
is appropriate for a young lady.
- Who wants ice cream?
- I do.
Great. Let's go to the corner shop.
Ali, come with us. Let
them have their girl talk.
[MARIA, NICOLE, LLOYD CHUCKLE]
[LLOYD] Come on, love.
See you in a little bit.
Bye.
Okay, tell me everything.
Uh, okay. Well, there's
this girl I like.
- Uh, she's the hostess at Taste of Athens.
- Ooh, mmm.
Uh, she used to hate
me, um, but now she
Well Well, I
[STAMMERS] I don't know.
I've misread signals
from women before, but
I mean, how do you
tell if a girl likes you
or is just being nice to you?
[BOTH] You can't.
But there is one
surefire way to find out.
- Right.
- Ask her out.
No, I can't No, I can't
[CHUCKLES] Can't do that. No.
[SCOFFS] Come on, what is
the worst that could happen?
Well, that she laughs
in my face and says no.
And that I scurry away, humiliated,
never to be allowed in my
favorite restaurant ever again.
So that next time we have some
kind of family celebration,
I'll just have to, you know,
sit on the pavement outside
eating takeaway fish and chips,
watching you through the window
like some Dickensian street urchin.
Oh, my God.
He's just like Dad. You
have to show him the map.
No, your father would kill me.
- Show him the map.
- What map?
Your father and I went to
school together for years,
but I didn't think he even knew
I existed, until he gave me this.
"Distance between the places
that we were born, 4,125 miles.
Distance between the places
that we were raised, 4,230 miles.
Distance between our
dorms on campus, 1.3 miles.
Distance between us on Friday night
at 8:00 p.m., hopefully one foot.
Would you like to go on a date?"
- [NATHAN CHUCKLES]
- [NICOLE EXHALES DEEPLY]
Stop waiting, Nathan.
Yes, you could fail and be
embarrassed for a second.
But you could also get married,
have two wonderful children
- and live happily ever after.
- [NATHAN CHUCKLES]
[DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS]
- Oh, shit.
- [SOPHIA, LLOYD] We're back.
Quick, distract him.
["WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU" PLAYING]
[REPORTER 1] that is carrying
a large group of refugees,
including several women and children,
who are hoping to
claim asylum in the UK.
- What's going on?
- [SHUSHES]
[REPORTER 1] in Portsmouth.
[REPORTER 2] The boat is now
kilometers from Portsmouth Harbor,
where its passengers, dozens of
refugees, hope to find sanctuary.
Hundreds of supporters
await their arrival.
While others, such as Home Secretary
Brinda Barot, had this to say.
To anyone attempting to enter our
country illegally, I say this.
"Go home. Britain is closed."
[REPORTER 1] Over the last few days
- What a stupid idiot. Mmm.
- What a piece of shit.
You know, someone needs to send
her back to where she came from.
- Her mother's butthole. Right?
- [STAFF] Yes, Chef!
Or somebody could try and
speak to the better angels
of this clearly misguided person.
- [SIMI] Bitch.
- What?
It should say, "Help make
Britain better than this bitch."
I I think I'll stick with mine.
Yeah.
[PEDESTRIANS CHATTERING]
- Hi.
- [JADE] Hello there.
[SIGHS] Nate.
Um, there's something that I
wanted to ask you. Um, would you
Excuse me one m-moment.
So So sorry. Sorry.
[DOOR CREAKS SHUT]
[BREATHING SHAKILY]
Actually, there's, uh, one
thing I need to do first. Sorry.
Whistle. Whistle. Bring it in.
[PLAYERS PANTING, GROANING]
- [TED] All right, fellas. How y'all feeling?
- [PLAYERS GROAN, CHATTER]
- [RETCHES]
- [TED] Oh.
- Ah.
- [BAZ CHUCKLES]
Bumbercatch, did you
just puke whole Cheerios?
Yes, Coach. I like to eat
my breakfast without chewing.
To conserve my energy in case an
impending class war breaks out.
Yeah, no, makes sense. I get it. Yeah.
Uh, all right, gentlemen, today
we are gonna focus on versatility.
Now, in Total Football, you gotta
constantly be asking yourself,
"What does this
situation need right now?"
You know, do I need to drop back
and replace Jan Maas on defense?
Or Or, you know,
should I attack like Jamie?
Or, you know, or do I lend
Roy here a piece of gum
because his breath smells like dookie?
[CHUCKLES] Completely hypothetical.
Don't worry. You're fine, you're fine.
All right? You gotta be able
to jump in anywhere at any time.
And the way to do that
well is to understand
and appreciate everyone's position
and every position's function.
That's why we got our man, Beard,
replacing Will today as our kitman.
Yeah. So when we get out
here and we scrimmage,
y'all are gonna be swapping
positions with someone else. Yeah?
Uh, for example, you know, Isaac,
we're gonna move you up to forward.
And Dani, we're gonna drop
you back to defense. Got it?
I'm gonna be Dani Rojas?
[STAMMERS] That's right, Isaac. And
Dani is gonna be you. Make sense?
We're gonna fuck 'em up, bruv.
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
Ay, Dios mios.
Y'all don't need to do the voices.
- [PLAYERS] Aw! Come on.
- Okay, all right. Y'all can do the voices.
- [PLAYERS CHUCKLING] Yeah.
- [TED MUMBLES]
You go ahead, Roy. Help 'em out here.
Roy's gonna be handing out paper
that's got someone's name on it.
That's the name of the person
you're gonna do the swaparoo with.
- Everybody understand?
- [PLAYERS] Yes, Coach.
All right, good. Coach, I miss anything?
- That's it, baby. Let's go!
- All right, let's do it. You heard him.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Here we go, boys. Here we go.
- There you go, Coach.
- Oh. Thank you, Coach.
Hey, Coach. Uh, there's
been a mistake. I got me.
Oh, no, Jamie, that's not a mistake.
We just figured you'd wanna keep
doing what you do best for us.
Playing striker and scoring
goals, right? [CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES] Uh, yeah.
- Yeah, uh, if you want, yeah.
- [TED] Great.
- Okay.
- Have fun out there.
[JAMIE] Yeah.
[WHISTLES] That is yummy. What is this?
- Water.
- Mmm.
- [THIERRY] I'm wide.
- [PLAYERS SHOUTING] Let's go! Let's go!
[THIERRY GRUNTS]
[THIERRY LAUGHS]
Nice try, Van Damme. You tried
your best, and we love you.
Baz, what are you doing?
I'm switching positions with Paul.
You know, unwavering positivity.
Nice job with the water
bottles, Coach Beard.
You fucking twats!
[SIGHS] I don't like it.
I actually prefer to be me.
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. Hold up.
Dani. Come on, now. You're
a center back, remember?
That ain't your job taking
corners. That's what Isaac does now.
- Right. Right, Coach.
- [TED] Isaac, come on, man. You're up.
- [PLAYER] All right, Isaac.
- Let's go.
- [PLAYER] You've got this, bruv.
- All right, now.
Coach, I ain't never
taken a corner before.
No, I know. That's 'cause you
were put into a box, Isaac.
As a ten-year-old little boy
with the strength and
facial hair of a grown man.
The box of a center back who was
never allowed to take a corner kick.
Well, my friend, that
box ceases to exist today.
Yeah? Go on.
What do you want me to do?
I don't know. Just
kick the hell out of it.
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
[HUMMING A TUNE]
- [LOUD BANG]
- [CUP, SAUCER CLATTER]
[EXCLAIMS]
- [PLAYERS MURMURING]
- [SAM MUMBLES]
Ow, ho hot! Hot tea. Ow.
[SAM LAUGHS]
Just a bit outside.
[SAM EXHALES SHARPLY, BREATHES DEEPLY]
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
[CHUCKLES]
Ted. I just want to make
sure I have this right.
You're gonna change tactics
at this stage in the season
and replace it with a totally new method
that the boys are clearly
struggling to understand.
And you think this is a good idea?
Mmm. Well, Trent, the way I see it,
it's kind of like taking
a hike with Robert Frost.
It could go either way. Hmm?
[INHALES SHARPLY]
- Get the fuck out of my chair.
- Yeah, no, of course. Sorry. [GRUNTS]
["SHOEGAZE" PLAYING]
[PEOPLE ON STREET CHATTERING]
[KEELEY CHUCKLES]
[GASPS] Oh, my God.
Okay, Greyhounds. Today we're
talking about number three, awareness.
When you play Total Football,
you gotta know what your
teammates are doing at all times.
Constant movement requires
constant concentration, yeah?
So if Sam makes a run through the
center, y'all gotta shift, right?
And if Dani moves back on
defense, that means what?
- Hell has frozen over?
- [PLAYERS CHUCKLING]
No, it means you've gotta move up
- and support Dani's choice.
- [PLAYERS MUMBLE]
Okay, any questions so far?
Uh, yeah, Coach. What's
with the red string?
[TED] Ah, great question.
In Japanese culture, they
have a myth where they believe
that all soulmates are connected
by an invisible red string.
And those strings are attached to
each of their little fingers. Hmm?
Okay, so why is it
tied around our dicks?
[PLAYERS MUTTERING] Yeah.
Yeah. Well, you know,
that was Roy's idea.
Uh, but I'm pretty sure the
thought behind it is that
it is nearly impossible
to not be fully aware of
what your teammate's doing
when y'all got a rope
tied around your dingdong.
Am I right about that, Roy?
Yeah. Something like that.
Okay, great. Uh, yeah.
So we gonna get after this right now,
gonna do a full scrimmage at half speed.
And I don't wanna see
them strings get too loose.
And I'll leave it up to y'all to
make sure they don't get too tight.
- Do not leave my side.
- [SAM CHUCKLES]
Shall we? [BLOWS WHISTLE]
[COACH BEARD] "Dicks" on
three. One, two, three.
- [PLAYERS] Dicks.
- Come on, let's move.
- [CHUCKLES]
- ["CENTERFIELD" PLAYING]
Figure it out! This is what we're doing.
- [LAUGHING]
- [PLAYERS GROANING, CHATTERING]
[PLAYERS SHOUTING]
[PLAYER] Ow, ow, ow, ow.
- [JAMIE] Fucking hell. Look at me, man.
- [PLAYER] Ow! [GROANS]
I'm attacking. I'm attacking.
[COLIN] I'm defending. I'm defending.
Whoa. [STAMMERS] Ja Ja
Jan! Jan, Jan, Jan, Jan, Jan, Jan!
Look what Kent gave me.
In case we wanted to
- No.
- No fucking way.
[PLAYER SHRIEKS]
- You wanna give him a little space, Dani.
- Sorry, Coach, I am too scared.
Bro, do you wanna
[CHATTERING, EXCLAIMS]
[GASPS]
- [PAUL CHUCKLES]
- [SPECTATORS] Ooh.
[GASPS]
[BREATHING SHAKILY]
- It's okay. His penis is okay.
- [SIGHING]
- [PLAYER] Oh, my God.
- [SIGHING]
[PLAYER] I thought I just
ripped Jamie's knob off.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [PLAYERS GROAN]
- Ooh.
[ROY CHUCKLING]
Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that.
- Okay.
- [TRENT SIGHS]
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
[SAM CLICKS TONGUE]
[PLAYERS CHATTERING, LAUGHING]
[SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
["YOU'VE REALLY GO
A HOLD ON ME" PLAYING]
[SQUEALS] Hi!
Hi. [KISSES]
Oh, sorry that I am late.
I'm in no rush. I got you something.
I don't want it.
Sorry.
I'm sure whatever it is,
it is incredibly thoughtful
and mind-blowingly generous.
But I don't want it.
- Keeley, I just got you a
- No, I don't even wanna know what it is.
No. I just wanna hang out one time
where it doesn't feel like
you're sweeping me off my feet.
Okay. Sorry for sweeping
you off your feet.
No. Hey, I didn't mean
No, no. It's okay. I get it. It's,
uh, absolutely what I'm doing.
I'm coming on too fast or too strong,
I'm I'm sorry. I'll back off.
- But just a little bit.
- [CHUCKLES]
It was a croissant.
I got you a croissant.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
Oi. You're incredible.
But you've gotta let me do something
for you every once in a while.
Deal.
Thank you.
But it better be fucking amazing.
[CHUCKLES]
It's the last one, I s I swear.
Verdict?
It's a really, really good croissant.
[CHUCKLES]
[CAR HORN HONKS]
[GRUNTS]
- [GRUNTS]
- [GASPS]
[SIGHS]
[GASPS]
Would you like to go on a date with me?
Yes.
Good. Good.
There wasn't anything
alive in there, was there?
Oh, no. No, no.
[CHUCKLES] No, not at all.
If you say so.
[GLASS CRUNCHES]
["DOOMED" PLAYING]
[GLASS CRUNCHING UNDERFOOT]
[CUTLERY CLATTERS]
- [LAUGHS]
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]
There you go, sir.
[GRUNTS, STRAINS]
I've given this a lot of thought.
Next time we do this drill,
we tie multiple guys'
dicks to one guy's dick.
Yeah?
That was a one-shot deal, Roy.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure we cooked
that whole bird already, Coach.
Huh. Shame.
- So, Ted.
- Hmm?
- This number four.
- Yes, sir.
- You haven't said what it is yet.
- No, ma'am.
- But you know what it is?
- I don't actually. Mm-mmm.
- What about you, Coach?
- I'm agnostic.
- Mm-hmm. Roy?
- I don't fucking know.
Number four has yet to reveal itself.
There is no number four?
Like the man once said,
"Sometimes you gotta leave space
to let God walk into the room."
Ah. So, number four is God?
Oh, no. I don't think so. Coach?
- I'm an atheist.
- Mm-hmm. Roy?
- I fucking hope not.
- Mmm.
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]
- [DOOR OPENS]
[ISAAC] Oi, man, you're
ten minutes late, yeah?
That's gonna be a hundo, all right?
The fuck's wrong with you?
I'll tell you what's wrong.
The world is full of evil
people who do shitty things.
But I can't deal with that because
I have to kick a little ball around.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
W-Which those same people love me for!
That is until I fuck up
or or I miss a penalty.
Or Or Or I I decide
to fight back [STAMMERS]
and then they're just
gonna wanna ship me back
wherever I fucking came from.
- [SAM'S FATHER] Samuel!
- [SAM BREATHING SHAKILY]
[CRYING]
It's okay.
You know, I still want to go see it.
No. No, no, no. I
I can't take you there.
No. Not the way it looks now.
Do you know how long it
will take you to reopen?
I don't know if I will.
- Samuel.
- What?
W-Why? For who? Just so somebody
can go and trash it again.
You do it for yourself.
For your friend Simi.
For all those people who want a
taste of home when they are away.
Follow your heart, Samuel.
Anger will only weaken you.
Yeah. Okay.
But if you really want to piss
off the people who did this,
forgive them.
What?
Forgive them.
[WHISTLES, SPLUTTERS] Big whoop.
- Big whoop?
- Big whoop. [WHISTLES, SPLUTTERS]
[SAM CHUCKLES]
My son, listen to me.
Don't fight back. Fight forward.
[SAM CHUCKLES]
- Thank you, Daddy.
- [GRUNTS]
- [SAM'S FATHER CHUCKLES, SIGHS]
- [SAM CHUCKLES]
Do you think I should
invest in security cameras?
- Hell yes. And gates.
- [SIGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]
- Please tell me you have insurance.
I have insurance.
[SIGHS] Thank God. Otherwise,
your mother would have killed me.
- Ooh. [CHUCKLES]
- [LAUGHS]
- [SAM] Are you gonna have any trouble?
- [SAM'S FATHER] No. Insurance!
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Hey. I'm sorry to interrupt y'all.
Um, Sam, we're getting
ready to start out there.
But, you know, if you wanna sit
out today, I totally understand.
- Thank you, Coach.
- No, he's going to practice.
- Okay. Well, you better go change then.
- I'm getting ready to change.
Uh-huh. Okay. [CHUCKLES]
It's really nice to
finally meet you, sir.
- You too.
- [CHUCKLES]
You know, I almost wore
that exact same thing today.
- [LAUGHS] Funny guy. Funny guy. [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]
- Hey, you like American candy?
- Who doesn't?
Yeah. Come on. It's got that bad sugar.
- Yeah. High-fructose corn syrup.
- That's too many words. I say "bad sugar."
["ALL RIGHT" PLAYING]
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
At the beginning, Rupert bought
me so many tulips for so long,
- his florist was able to buy a castle.
- What?
I mean, it was in Scunthorpe,
but still. A castle.
[SCOFFS]
- Well, I'm taking Jack out tonight.
- Mmm.
And if she tries to pay,
then I will give her
You'll give her what?
Just the tip?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Hello, everyone.
- Hello, Leslie.
May I present
Mr. Obisanya. Ah.
Rebecca Welton. Lovely
to finally meet you.
Likewise. Samuel has
told me so much about you.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Has he?
Yes. He He has.
Cool.
[STAMMERS]
Oh, yeah! Come on, you Greyhounds!
- [KEELEY] Whoo!
- Let's go Richmond! [CHUCKLES]
- I'm Keeley, by the way. Hi.
- [CHUCKLES]
Hey. Let's Let's go, Greyhounds.
- [REBECCA CHEERS]
- [KEELEY] Come on.
- Bumber! Bumber! Shot!
- [BUMBERCATCH] Push, man!
Bumber! No.
Richmond have been mired
in a run of poor form,
and you have to applaud
Ted Lasso's efforts
to try something new. But this
What's the word I'm looking for, Chris?
"Sucks," Arlo. The word is "sucks."
[ARLO] It's like they've
never played the sport before.
- [GRUNTS]
- [ARLO] Good grief,
they're tackling themselves now.
With Richmond literally
running into each other,
the Gunners mount a counterattack.
Here's a through ball to Parslow.
Parslow over to Hamilton
- [CROWD CHEERS]
- [ARLO] And he's there!
Hamilton has his hat trick,
and Arsenal leads 3-nil.
- Fuck!
- [CROWD CHEERING]
[PLAYER CHEERS]
Okay.
It's all right.
- [MAE SIGHS]
- [CROWD CHEERING ON TV]
[MAE STAMMERS]
[GROANS] It's over. We're
gonna get relegated again,
and I'm gonna have to go back to
filling the sausages with cardboard.
- Patience, Mae.
- [MAE SIGHS]
Just need to give it some time.
Ask yourself, what does
this situation need?
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[ARLO] And at the half,
Arsenal have a three-goal lead,
and Richmond have plenty to talk about.
[CHRIS] Yeah, with fun conversation
starters like, "Why are we so bad?"
or "Should we just go home?"
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
Jamie, you keep floating back, mate.
You gotta stay up front.
We need you to stretch the defense.
- We need you to score a fucking goal.
- [CLAMORING]
[JAMIE] But how can we when
we can't see anyone out there.
There's no shame in going
back to the good old 4-4-2.
Until we've had more
time to properly train.
- Make you look like a prick.
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]
[ISAAC] For fuck's sake. What's
the matter with you anyway?
Hey, fellas. Lis Listen up here.
[CHATTERING STOPS]
Well, I remember back in the
early days of my coaching career,
feeling compelled to
express my individuality.
Since I was a straight fella in
Middle America working in sports
and I was scared of tattoo needles,
the only real option for me to
do so was through my facial hair.
And, uh, obviously I
couldn't grow a beard.
Otherwise, Coach and I here would,
uh, look like a ZZ Top cover band.
- Would've been called "Sharp Dressed Men."
- Ooh, that's nice.
God, I hate what you've
fucking done to me.
Luckily, around that time there was
this quartet of stand-up comedians
known as the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
And along with their
observational humor,
fun banter and numerous catchphrases,
they also possessed the four
most common types of facial hair.
Now, Ron White, who was my
favorite, he was clean-shaven.
That's one way to go.
But then you had Larry the Cable Guy,
and he had himself a
big old, bushy goatee.
[STAMMERS] And Bill Engvall,
he also had a goatee actually.
But it was, um, you know,
smaller and, uh, more manicured.
Not touching the sides here.
- Also known as a Vandyke.
- [TED] Thank you, Coach.
And then you had Jeff Foxworthy
of course, who, uh, had a mustache.
So, check it out. I went
ahead and rolled the dice
and grew myself one of them
big, bushy Cable Guy goatees.
And I thought I looked great.
Until Coach Beard here took me aside,
right as I was about
to walk down the aisle,
and told me something I needed to
hear. Remember what you said to me?
"Your goatee makes it look like
you ate out bigfoot's butthole."
That's right.
- AKA "ass-squatch."
- You're on fire.
- Make it stop.
- [TED] No, no.
Coach was right though. Not
a good look. Not on this face.
So I shaved that puppy
down right into a Foxworthy,
and I never looked back.
Point is, a lot of times
the right idea is just sitting
behind a couple of the wrong ones.
- Yeah?
- [JAMIE] Hmm. [CLEARS THROATS]
You got something you wanna say, Jamie?
- Uh, I mean, yeah. But [CHUCKLES]
- Great. Let us have it.
Well [SIGHS] I
don't want people to think
I'm being a prick if I say it.
[JAMIE] Ah.
Okay. Well, then.
I ain't doing it wrong.
- You're doing it wrong.
- Whoa!
[PLAYERS CLAMORING]
I mean I mean No, I mean,
I think we're all doing it wrong.
[STAMMERS] If we want this to work,
you gotta stop going to me and
start playing through me. You get me?
Uh, look. Just look. Look.
- Can I? Do you mind if I Right.
- Yeah, of course.
So look, I sh I shouldn't be
here. I shouldn't be playing forward.
I should be here, in the center.
I should be here, right?
Let Dani go up front.
Move Colin over there. Richard there.
So, stop going to me, right? And
start going through me. All right?
That's Total Football.
How's that sound to y'all?
- [SAM] That actually actually works.
- [PLAYERS MURMURING]
And there it is.
Número cuatro. Sacrifice.
Putting aside personal
glory on behalf of the team.
Ooh. I like that. But
that ain't number four.
- Let's bring it in! Come on.
- Let's go for "four" on three.
- One, two, three
- [PLAYERS] Four! [CHEERING]
[ARLO] The Greyhounds still
3-nil down, in this second half.
They need something,
and they need it soon.
Arsenal's cross, easy for Van Damme.
And Van Damme out to Jan Maas.
Here we go.
[ARLO] Here's Dixon. Infield to Tartt.
Tartt to Obisanya. Over to Hughes.
Tartt again.
- To McAdoo in the midfield.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
- [ARLO] Over to Rojas.
Rojas drops it back to Tartt.
Who sends a long ball
down to Bumbercatch.
- Huh?
- [ARLO] Bumbercatch to Goodman.
- Goodman over to Tartt
- Yeah.
- [REBECCA GASPS]
- [ARLO] in the box.
Old Tartt with the back heel.
- And Montlaur is there to hammer it in!
- [CROWD CHEERING]
[REBECCA SCREAMS]
That was bloody gorgeous!
A majestic, sweeping symphony of a goal
with Tartt in the role of conductor.
- [PLAYERS CHEERING]
- Hey! All right!
- That's it right there.
- There we go. There we go!
[KEELEY] Whoo!
- [CHUCKLING]
- Whoo!
[ARLO] Arsenal prevails 3-1.
But for the first time in weeks,
the Greyhounds are
showing signs of life.
[PANTING] Ted.
It's going to work.
- Great. What is?
- [PANTS] Total football.
- Okay. Why?
- And I'll tell you why.
The Lasso way.
- You haven't switched tactics in a week.
- I haven't?
- No. You've done this over three seasons.
- I have?
Yes. By slowly but surely building
a club-wide culture of trust and support
through thousands of
imperceptible moments,
all leading to their
inevitable conclusion.
- Total Football.
- Well, how about that.
[EXCLAIMS] It's gonna work.
Doesn't even matter what
number four is. [PANTS]
What a fucking dork.
Yeah. But he's our dork.
[GROANS]
Hmm.
["FIND SOMEONE LIKE YOU" PLAYING]
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
[SNIFFS]
- Hey.
- Hi.
- All right to sit?
Oh, of course. Yeah, um, take a seat.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [JADE] Thank you.
Wow. Uh, you look great. Thank
you for coming. [CHUCKLES]
- Thank you for coming? [CHUCKLES]
- You know
[JADE] Did you think I
was gonna stand you up?
No, no, no. Um, do you want
a drink? Sorry, I ordered.
- [JADE] No, that's fine.
- [CHUCKLES] Just got nervous. Um
[DEREK] Please. Here we
are, and there you go.
Best table in the house.
[CHUCKLES] As requested.
[JACK, KEELEY CHUCKLE]
- You little love bomber. [CHUCKLES]
- [IMITATES EXPLOSION]
I know it's not the outcome you wanted,
but I'm very proud of the way
you and your team played today.
Thanks, Dad.
Ah. And I met Rebecca.
- Oh, no. Did you make things weird?
- Yes.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[SAM'S FATHER SIGHS]
[SAM SIGHS]
- Do you want to go and see the restaurant?
- I would love to.
- I don't know, Dad, I wish
- [SIGHS]
I wish you could've seen it when
it was done up. It was perfect.
This looks nice.
- Daddy, it's not the same.
- It isn't so bad.
Yo, look who's here.
- Oh!
- Hey.
Ah, the surprise is ruined.
What are you guys doing here?
Well, we all just asked ourselves,
"What does this situation need?"
And we thought your situation needed us.
Yeah, got my cousin to fix
your window this morning.
Didn't get a discount
though, 'cause he's a prick.
[PLAYERS CHUCKLE]
And I brought some cases of
wine from my personal cellar.
Not the best stuff obviously,
but still very, very good.
And Bumbercatch is
trying to fix your sign.
Neon signs are just a bunch of
illuminated, gas-discharge tubes.
So I thought I'd give
it a shot. Screwdriver.
[SIGHS] Guys, this is
incredible. H Honestly.
Thank you all so very much.
- Aw, we got you, man.
- No worries.
- Great work, Van Damme.
- Simi.
Sam.
Oh, my God.
- Was this your idea?
- No, they called me.
- It's amazing, right?
- It's It's [SIGHS]
Oh! Uh, there's somebody
I'd love for you to meet.
- Okay.
- Simi, this is my father.
So very nice to meet you, Simi.
Sam has told me so much about you.
- Hmm. Has he?
- Yes, he has.
[SAM STAMMERS]
Well, it's lovely to meet
you too, Mr. Obisanya.
No, no, no, no, no. My father
was Mr. Obisanya. Call me Ola.
- [LIGHT BULB BUZZES]
- [BUMBERCATCH] Whoo! [LAUGHS]
[PLAYERS CHEERING, LAUGHING]
Oh. Uh, don't worry. I'll
order the new mirrors on Monday.
No. No. Let's keep them.
I think they serve as a good reminder
that everything doesn't
have to be perfect.
And if the food is good,
who cares about the mirrors?
Exactly.
- Speaking of, who's hungry?
- [PLAYERS] Yes!
- Good. So I will cook you all dinner.
- [PLAYERS CHEERING]
Sam, Simi, follow me.
[BOTH] Yes, Chef! [CHUCKLE]
- ["ENJOY" PLAYING]
- [ALL CHATTERING]
[ALL CHEERING]
Apps are up.
- Come on, let me help you, child. [LAUGHS]
- [SAM LAUGHING]
[SAM'S FATHER EXCLAIMING]