The Big C (2010) s03e07 Episode Script
How Bazaar
Previously on The Big C Paul, would you like to share your story with everyone? I was thinking that you'd want to come back and try it again.
- The answer is yes.
- Good.
Are you ready to love your life? Paul and audience: Flip that switch! I just called Uncle Sean.
I'm going to be, uh, staying over there for a few days.
Probably good for you two to have a little separation.
He kind of hates you right now.
- I really like this girl.
- Dear Lord Please grant us the wisdom to make righteous choices.
Are we going to see you tomorrow, Alexis? Most likely.
I'm running a gay phone sex business.
You're meeting a client in person? So you want to come upstairs? Is there anything you want to ask me about the adoption before you meet Dave and Maxine? How'd your talk with Adam go? He's going to be a terrific big brother to this baby.
[Chuckles.]
I don't know why they didn't put a window in this wall.
I'm a contractor.
I can give you Southern exposure.
A baby.
Wow, that is really going to complicate things.
Do you even want this baby? Maybe in a perfect world, no.
I want this baby, Paul.
[Leftover Cuties' Game Called Life.]
It's so hard to turn your life over Step out of your comfort zone Is this some kind of a joke? Will someone wake me up soon? And tell me this was just a game we play called life [wind blowing.]
- Whoa.
- Mm, yeah.
I got a little excited.
Kind of hard for me to wait for things to happen these days.
That makes me worry you're going to cut the baby out of Maxine's stomach before the due date.
Oh, God, no.
Do not be scared of me.
I just I want this room to be beautiful and full of light, so the baby can enjoy the view when her little eyes start to focus.
I can't tell you how thrilled I am that this baby's a girl, Dave.
Oh, yeah, they're cute when they're little, but, man, girls get complicated.
Oh, please.
Adam is so much more complicated than any girl.
He was also my first, which is, you know, it's so overwhelming.
I didn't know what to do with a boy.
So I kind of let him take the lead.
[Inhales.]
But with this one with this girl, I'm going to be so much more hands-on.
I'm so grateful I get a chance to do it again.
She's one lucky girl.
She's going to be one frozen, unlucky girl if we don't get this fixed.
[Shivers.]
How long do you think it'll take to get winter back outside where it belongs? Uh, well, the window that I ordered will be here next week, but I'll bring some plywood over tomorrow after Maxine's doctor's appointment, get this covered up for you.
Good, 'cause our heating bill's going through the roof.
Or through the wall, rather.
Let me write you a check for the window.
And do you want a sandwich before you go? No, I gotta run and catch the bus.
Maxine's waiting for me at the motel.
She says, uh, she's craving a burger with two steaks as the bun.
[Chuckling.]
Protein cravings.
I remember those.
Well, you tell Maxine That lunch is on me.
And dinner.
And cab fare.
You don't need to take the bus everywhere.
Aw, come on.
The bus is awesome.
You meet all these great people.
Like, there's this guy he hawked a loogie into his hand, and then he just stared at it for a real long time.
Aw, come on.
That's very generous.
You're very generous.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, mom.
Ah! Hi.
I didn't know you were here.
Is that a problem? Of course not.
It's never a problem for you to be in this house.
Yeah, well, I'm giving away these baseball cards.
You mowed thousands of lawns for those.
Are you sure? Yeah.
They're having this fundraiser bazaar thing at the church, you know, to raise money to help hungry people.
Like, charity and stuff.
Oh, that sounds great.
I love bazaars.
Yeah, please don't come.
It's bad enough you crashed my bible group at Uncle Sean's.
I apologized for that.
We got off on the wrong foot with your church.
I still want to be supportive.
Oh.
Oh, your Frankie Viola card.
Aw.
You used to say, "Fwankie Viowa.
" Go ahead, say it.
Say say "Fwankie Viowa.
" Frankie Viola.
Look, do you care if I get rid of these? No, you you do what you want.
They're yours.
Great.
Thank you.
Fwankie Viowa.
[Moaning.]
[Sighing.]
Oh, my that was incredible.
You're amazing.
He's amazing.
We're all amazing.
Wow, that was a fucking metaphysical experience.
I'm still trembling.
My refractory period is a refractory exclamation point.
[Laughter.]
He's funny.
- Much funnier than Gerry.
- Gerry.
- Oh.
- Gerry was a pill.
It was impossible to get him to go to the movies or to the art gallery or even out for dinner.
Well, I am happy to be the third wheel to your marriage, the third leg to your relationship tripod, the trio to your duo.
Ooh.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
I Am going to make us some breakfast.
Huh? Maybe a spinach omelet with bulgarian feta.
That sounds great, Tim.
Hey, I'll help.
No.
No, you are going to stay right here, and we'll make it and bring it to you.
Seriously? [Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
My parents never let me have a dog, but I guess this gave me almost as much love.
And I never had to worry about it peeing on all my stuff.
You're a freak.
No one's making you give up your iPad.
I know.
But I really feel called to help.
How hard is it to give up your baseball cards? Uh, really, really, really, really Not that hard.
Well, is there anything else you could give? Uh, my kidney.
[Scoffs.]
Come on.
Be serious for one second.
Seriously, there's nothing else for me to give.
I'm just saying, if you can top an iPad I'm thinking.
[Chuckles.]
I'm still thinking.
[Chuckles.]
[Horn honks.]
Jamie, hit me with a little extra joy here, please.
Sure thing.
Little more.
Good.
Good.
All right.
Thank you.
Now don't tell, because part of the deal I have with the juicer that I endorse is that, in public, I'm not supposed to drink anything but kale juice.
But sometimes, you know, a lady needs a little cocktail.
Or a kale-tail.
[Laughs.]
Cheers.
No, ah ojos.
You have to look in my eyes, or it's seven years bad luck.
Especially if you're Mexican.
Or Cuban.
I can't remember which one, because I fucked them both.
[Laughs.]
Jeez, you don't have a filter, do you? Fuck filters.
Mm.
You know what? You should get an endorsement deal.
You just have to figure out what company's the best synergy with your brand.
- You think I have a brand? - Yeah.
Well, your spiel is all about seeing into the light, so an L.
E.
D.
company.
How about that? I mean, green products are the wave of the future, right? - Flashlights.
- Yeah.
- Fl lightsabers.
- Mm-hmm.
Flip that switch on your damn lightsab Bic lighters.
No, can't encourage smoking.
- No, no, no, no.
- Uh but you you know, once you get sponsorship, it is like sitting on a gold mine.
The other day it only took me four hours I did an instructional DVD for the horum juicer, paid off my lake house.
Damn it! - Yeah.
- I want a lake house.
And then to pay it off.
[Laughs.]
Well, I can probably help you with that.
What would you say to headlining with me in Puerto Rico over Easter? Puerto Rico? In Puerto Rico.
Are you kidding me? That sounds like a gas.
[Laughs.]
It is.
It's a great venue.
It's huge.
Lots of press.
And I'm a ton of fun on rum.
I bet you are.
[Slurps.]
Mmm.
You know, all of this different city every night and hotels and Puerto fucking Rico it's fabulous.
But in order to stay sane And happy, you have to make sure you have a few things.
Uh-huh.
You have to have a good pillow.
You need to have cable TV, and you need to have a reliable fuck buddy.
Wow.
- Yeah.
- That is so unexpected.
And flattering.
Mm.
Very flattering, Joy.
But here's the thing.
I I love my wife.
I'm deeply in love with my wife.
That's cool.
If we lived in a parallel universe, I would take you [Clears throat loudly.]
Hey, beddy-bye time.
Uh, your schedule tomorrow is nonstop, and you know what happens when you don't get your beauty sleep.
- Yep.
- You get ugly and cranky, and it's way too much for one Ababuo to handle.
Thanks, Ababs, you the best.
Mm, don't ever call me that again.
But speaking of best, have you spoken to your much better half? You know, it is so funny that you mention that.
I was actually just about to call her.
Well, tell Mrs.
J not to freak.
I'll get to my term paper after some room service.
Okay.
Night, ladies.
Good night.
You don't want to get on the wrong side of Mrs.
J.
Good night, Ababuo.
[Knock at door.]
Coming! [Sighs.]
- Hey.
- Wow! I guess this is officially a construction site.
Well, temperatures are really starting to drop.
I wanted to cover that hole up asap, so he told me about your path of destruction upstairs.
It's it's impressive.
It felt impressive until it felt stupid.
Please tell me you didn't have to carry that on the bus.
Oh, yeah, we did.
But, you know, like kids under five, wood rides free.
Here, check this out.
Oh.
We got, uh, Maxine's latest test results.
Her iron's looking great, and the kid's, like, the size of a cucumber.
Ah, that's fantastic news.
Always wanted a cucumber to call my very own.
[Laughs.]
It's great to see you, Maxine.
How are you feeling? Good, you know? Aside from the 2:00 A.
M.
boxing matches in my gut, I'm good.
Well, looks like you're bringing a fighter into the world.
Yeah, sure feels that way.
Just make sure she swings a hammer like she means it.
Well, look, she's going to have her own set of hand-tools, and she's going to learn how to use them.
Oh, and, Maxine, I have something for you.
You know, I was collecting things for a bazaar at Adam's church, and, you know, I found these old flowy tops.
They're not maternity, but they'll fit you, and they're they're they're kind of cute.
It's fine, re it's just one more month.
And, as long as my shirts just keep stretching, it's it's okay.
That's kind of done.
Thank you.
Oh, and, um, look.
If you don't like those, or even if you do, here's just a little mad money for you to just get something you feel great in.
Either for now or for after the baby comes.
Cathy, that's too much.
I-I can't I can't take that.
[Quietly.]
Yeah, you can.
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
Thank you.
Hey.
Hi.
Okay, what are you doing? I'm, uh, going through Marlene's cupboards, seeing if she has something that can double as deodorant.
[Sniffs.]
And she does.
Deodorant? Since when do you care what you smell like? Oh, I don't really care.
But, uh, the couple I'm dating suggested they might care a little bit.
Did you just say "couple"? Yep.
I'm dating a couple.
Which makes us a thruple.
Okay.
Y-you're saying that like it's a thing.
I doubt it's a thing.
Oh, no, it's a thing.
[Scoffs.]
Married couples like you and Paul are so 1998.
Now the new paradigm of true relationship fulfillment lies in the power of three like-minded people coming together to form a social, sexual, you know, six-legged octopus of love and camaraderie.
And who are these people who want you to be a part of their octopus? Well, there's Tim, the bicurious therapist who called my sex line, and his beautiful goddess of a pilates instructor wife Giselle.
Giselle and Tim.
I call them "Gism" for short.
We, uh, we tell each other how great the others are.
We cook meals.
We make each other laugh.
But we all need each other than the average person in a prehistoric couple.
Let me put it to you this way, Cath.
What's easier to ride, a bicycle or a tricycle? So are you you half gay? Eh, it's, uh, it's very dark under the covers.
I just kind of go with the flow.
What's in your box? Oh, it's just More stuff for Adam's church bazaar.
Thought maybe I could donate my way back into his heart.
Oh, he's already gone, but I could take it with me when I go.
You're going? Why are you going? Well, he invited me.
I'm taking Gism with me.
What, the thruple's invited, and I'm not? Come on, now.
Don't you think this is ridiculous? Ah, no, getting involved in this little mother-son fracas is a lose-lose situation.
Now playing the part of Switzerland, me.
Hey, does Paul have any old cologne bottles in here maybe? Like some Brut, Old Spice, little Drakkar Noir maybe? Bye.
[Overlapping chatter.]
Can I help you? Oh.
I I just have some clothes and things I thought might be useful.
Nothing too fancy, I'm afraid.
Everything helps.
Would you like a tax-deductible donation receipt? Think I'm good.
Aw, come on.
Try it.
You're missing out.
Oh, oh, oh, okay.
Maybe I'll compromise.
[Giggles.]
- Mmm.
- Aw, that looks good.
That looks good.
Can I have some? Mmm.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
Mmm, mmm.
Oh, hey! [Giggling.]
Hey, sis.
Oh, is this the famous Cathy? Oh, am I famous? Sean talks about you all the time.
And judging by the nature of his stories, I suspect some severe codependency issues.
Uh, doctor, our session's up.
Cathy, this is my better 2/3, Giselle and Tim.
Giselle, Tim, my uptight sister Cathy.
So nice to finally meet you.
And you too.
You all.
[Laughs.]
Have your eye on anything special? Uh, it's a little disappointing actually.
You know, dinners for two, couple's massage, a pair of ski tickets.
For a church that promotes so much equality, our thruple feels woefully underserved.
We should have you over for a meal sometime.
Tim and I make a great baked salmon.
There was always something missing, right, honey? Do you know what was missing? Sean's glaze.
Aw, come on, guys.
It's really simple.
Just a little lemon juice and brown sugar.
Hey, Mrs.
Jamison! This is so awesomely good.
Adam, look who's here! I'm gonna buy you one.
To die for.
This year's raffle committee went above and beyond.
Show them how much you appreciate them and dig into your pockets and buy a ticket or a Mom, what are you doing here? Look, I know you asked me not to come, but I want to support you.
So why don't we just forget everything that happened and start over, okay? Why can't you just leave me alone? Seriously, you should go.
Dude, what's what's the big deal? Just let her stay.
Hey, everybody.
Quick announcement.
First of all, thanks for your awesome donations so far.
You guys have been rocking the raffle tickets, and we are well on our way to smashing last year's numbers out of the water.
[Cheers and applause.]
To that end, prepare to have your minds blown, 'cause we're about to blow this bazaar bitch up, yo.
Chelsea, show them what our grand prize ticket holder will win! Yeah! [Cheering.]
What? That's a car.
That's right.
[Cheers and applause.]
That's funny.
That car looks kind of like thanks again to Adam for the generous gift.
You're the bomb, Jamison.
[Cheers and applause.]
Official drawing starts in T-minus three hours, so get those tickets now.
When did you steal the keys to my storage locker, Adam? I didn't steal anything, okay? I found them.
And all that stuff in there has my name on it.
All that stuff is mine.
No, no, no! Actually, it's not.
It's for future Adam.
It's for when you're older and I'm dead.
And I'm not dead yet.
Yeah, but I'm giving it away to help people.
Well, you have no right to do that.
No right! It's not what I wanted.
Not at all.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
There's been a terrible mistake.
My son donated that car without my permission.
Oh.
Well, that's not good.
Adam, I thought you said the car was yours to give.
No, it it w well, he may have thought that it was, but it's not.
I'm saving it as a as a gift for him for when he's older.
Way older.
Oh, so it is a gift for him.
You're just upset because he's not using it the way you intended? Is that it? Well, I don't think you quite u You know, Cathy, I I really don't want to get between a boy and his mom.
I just I really think Adam was just trying to learn from Jesus' example of generosity and be an example himself.
I don't know many kids his age who would be willing to give up such sweet wheels to help their fellow man.
And the money we collect for this car is going to go a long way to help a lot of people.
Just something to think about? You know? Thanks.
Thank you.
What the hell was that? What if he thinks that he can shame me into giving up a car, he's got another thing coming.
Yeah.
'Cause God forbid you do anything nice for anybody else.
Excuse me? You left me that car when you thought you were going to die, okay? And now that you're doing better, you should want to give back.
All that stuff isn't doing anyone any good just sitting in that stupid storage locker.
Okay? Be fucking grateful for a change.
Hey! Do not talk to me like that! Look, I I give back.
[Scoffs.]
In my own way.
III give a lot.
Really? Really? 'Cause to me, you seem pretty fucking selfish.
[Rock music.]
[Phone vibrating.]
Shake me up another one of these, maestro.
Wow, you sure are thirsty today.
More angry than thirsty.
Sorrow you can drown.
Rage floats.
In my experience, gin and vermouth only make things worse.
There's only one thing to do if you're angry.
What you gonna do? [Gunshots.]
Maybe I need a Martini in my hand.
I mean, did I hit anything? Well, those bottles are cocky.
But those logs over there are scared shitless of you.
Oh, good.
I shot winter.
I'm sick of fucking winter.
Here, can I do that? Yeah.
You're doing great for your first time out.
- [Laughs.]
- Just take your time.
The secret to shooting is patience.
Oh, well, then I'm fucked, 'cause patience is something I don't have a whole lot of right now.
Did I forget anything? Perfect.
You got it down.
Let's blow shit up.
[Gunshots.]
I don't let anyone guilt me into shit.
[Gunshot.]
I'm not afraid of anything or anyone.
[Gunshot.]
[Laughter.]
That was pretty badass.
[Phone vibrates.]
Oh, shit.
Honey, could you just see what that is? I swear to God, if I don't eat, I'm going to pass out.
Being inspirational 24 hours a day is making me anemic.
Okay, you have exactly - Mmm.
- To be dressed, pressed, and ready to help another ballroom full of losers.
Awesome.
I get to squeeze in a power nap.
If you fall asleep in your good jeans one more time, I'm going to kill you.
I'm not going to have you up onstage all wrinkly and mussed.
[Gasps.]
Oh, no, she didn't.
Ooh, she is shameless.
What? What's up? Joy has a "package" she wants you to come and get in her room.
Well I guess I, um I guess I better go get it then, right? No, no, no, no, no.
You know and I know that she wants to take her package, mix it up with your package, and make some sort of package deal.
Ababuo, just so you know, there ain't nothing going on between me and Joy and any of our packages, okay? And I'll also remind you that that's our boss, and you should probably speak about her with a little bit more respect.
Boss or no boss, I don't trust her.
And don't you mess up them jeans.
[Door slams.]
[Knock at door.]
Aha! I knew it.
Is this the package that you wanted Mr.
J to come down here and get? Well, I'm returning it due to lack of interest.
Shame on you, girl, standing there with all your lady business hanging out every which way.
He is a married m oh! There's a naked man there.
Is that room service, babe? I'm famished.
Yeah, I'll feed you in a minute, sweetheart.
Look, um, the only Package that I have for Paul is this one.
Okay, okay.
And a romantic dinner for two at the Garlic Haus goes to The holder of ticket 743687.
Here we go.
Yep.
This is bullshit! No matter how we position ourselves, one of us always gets cut out.
All right, Katie Lancaster's going to the Garlic Haus.
Look at this.
This is photo-booth discrimination.
- Mm-hmm.
- Who do I complain to - Hey, guys.
- Jesus? This is the most awesome bazaar we have ever had.
We totally killed it, everybody.
[Cheers and applause.]
Give yourselves a big round of applause.
I'm rocking the pride in everybody here.
Thanks again for all of your donations.
I mean, look at all of these amazing raffle prizes.
We've got the drum sets and some guitars, the ski package, an iPad, I mean, come on, are you kidding me? Dude, you played drums for 13 years? Yeah, man For the record, I help who I want to help.
All right, should we, uh should we draw another ticket here? [Cheering.]
What do we got next here? Uh, the espresso machine.
Very cool.
And that's only ten more to go until we get to our grand prize, everybody.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Engine starts.]
Holy shit.
God be with you.
[Engine revs, horn honks.]
[Tires squeal.]
[Rock music.]
Unpredictable world Hey, you've reached Dave.
Leave a message.
Dave, throw away your bus pass.
Your commute just got a whole lot easier.
Hang the horseshoe ooh ring the bell hey.
Most store brand juicers don't fully extract all your juices from your fruits and vegetables.
Cut them up first.
Then you just feed it into your juicer using your pusher if it gets stuck to slide it in ever so gently.
Look at the way those juices just come squirting out, mmm.
Mmm, that's the nectar of the gods, people.
Mmm, sweet nectar.
I love that.
Girl with a beautiful smile Ooh Hang the horseshoe ooh Ring the bell ooh Cross your fingers Run with a knife Look both ways Run for your life The future's coming Run with a knife Look both ways
- The answer is yes.
- Good.
Are you ready to love your life? Paul and audience: Flip that switch! I just called Uncle Sean.
I'm going to be, uh, staying over there for a few days.
Probably good for you two to have a little separation.
He kind of hates you right now.
- I really like this girl.
- Dear Lord Please grant us the wisdom to make righteous choices.
Are we going to see you tomorrow, Alexis? Most likely.
I'm running a gay phone sex business.
You're meeting a client in person? So you want to come upstairs? Is there anything you want to ask me about the adoption before you meet Dave and Maxine? How'd your talk with Adam go? He's going to be a terrific big brother to this baby.
[Chuckles.]
I don't know why they didn't put a window in this wall.
I'm a contractor.
I can give you Southern exposure.
A baby.
Wow, that is really going to complicate things.
Do you even want this baby? Maybe in a perfect world, no.
I want this baby, Paul.
[Leftover Cuties' Game Called Life.]
It's so hard to turn your life over Step out of your comfort zone Is this some kind of a joke? Will someone wake me up soon? And tell me this was just a game we play called life [wind blowing.]
- Whoa.
- Mm, yeah.
I got a little excited.
Kind of hard for me to wait for things to happen these days.
That makes me worry you're going to cut the baby out of Maxine's stomach before the due date.
Oh, God, no.
Do not be scared of me.
I just I want this room to be beautiful and full of light, so the baby can enjoy the view when her little eyes start to focus.
I can't tell you how thrilled I am that this baby's a girl, Dave.
Oh, yeah, they're cute when they're little, but, man, girls get complicated.
Oh, please.
Adam is so much more complicated than any girl.
He was also my first, which is, you know, it's so overwhelming.
I didn't know what to do with a boy.
So I kind of let him take the lead.
[Inhales.]
But with this one with this girl, I'm going to be so much more hands-on.
I'm so grateful I get a chance to do it again.
She's one lucky girl.
She's going to be one frozen, unlucky girl if we don't get this fixed.
[Shivers.]
How long do you think it'll take to get winter back outside where it belongs? Uh, well, the window that I ordered will be here next week, but I'll bring some plywood over tomorrow after Maxine's doctor's appointment, get this covered up for you.
Good, 'cause our heating bill's going through the roof.
Or through the wall, rather.
Let me write you a check for the window.
And do you want a sandwich before you go? No, I gotta run and catch the bus.
Maxine's waiting for me at the motel.
She says, uh, she's craving a burger with two steaks as the bun.
[Chuckling.]
Protein cravings.
I remember those.
Well, you tell Maxine That lunch is on me.
And dinner.
And cab fare.
You don't need to take the bus everywhere.
Aw, come on.
The bus is awesome.
You meet all these great people.
Like, there's this guy he hawked a loogie into his hand, and then he just stared at it for a real long time.
Aw, come on.
That's very generous.
You're very generous.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, mom.
Ah! Hi.
I didn't know you were here.
Is that a problem? Of course not.
It's never a problem for you to be in this house.
Yeah, well, I'm giving away these baseball cards.
You mowed thousands of lawns for those.
Are you sure? Yeah.
They're having this fundraiser bazaar thing at the church, you know, to raise money to help hungry people.
Like, charity and stuff.
Oh, that sounds great.
I love bazaars.
Yeah, please don't come.
It's bad enough you crashed my bible group at Uncle Sean's.
I apologized for that.
We got off on the wrong foot with your church.
I still want to be supportive.
Oh.
Oh, your Frankie Viola card.
Aw.
You used to say, "Fwankie Viowa.
" Go ahead, say it.
Say say "Fwankie Viowa.
" Frankie Viola.
Look, do you care if I get rid of these? No, you you do what you want.
They're yours.
Great.
Thank you.
Fwankie Viowa.
[Moaning.]
[Sighing.]
Oh, my that was incredible.
You're amazing.
He's amazing.
We're all amazing.
Wow, that was a fucking metaphysical experience.
I'm still trembling.
My refractory period is a refractory exclamation point.
[Laughter.]
He's funny.
- Much funnier than Gerry.
- Gerry.
- Oh.
- Gerry was a pill.
It was impossible to get him to go to the movies or to the art gallery or even out for dinner.
Well, I am happy to be the third wheel to your marriage, the third leg to your relationship tripod, the trio to your duo.
Ooh.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
I Am going to make us some breakfast.
Huh? Maybe a spinach omelet with bulgarian feta.
That sounds great, Tim.
Hey, I'll help.
No.
No, you are going to stay right here, and we'll make it and bring it to you.
Seriously? [Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
My parents never let me have a dog, but I guess this gave me almost as much love.
And I never had to worry about it peeing on all my stuff.
You're a freak.
No one's making you give up your iPad.
I know.
But I really feel called to help.
How hard is it to give up your baseball cards? Uh, really, really, really, really Not that hard.
Well, is there anything else you could give? Uh, my kidney.
[Scoffs.]
Come on.
Be serious for one second.
Seriously, there's nothing else for me to give.
I'm just saying, if you can top an iPad I'm thinking.
[Chuckles.]
I'm still thinking.
[Chuckles.]
[Horn honks.]
Jamie, hit me with a little extra joy here, please.
Sure thing.
Little more.
Good.
Good.
All right.
Thank you.
Now don't tell, because part of the deal I have with the juicer that I endorse is that, in public, I'm not supposed to drink anything but kale juice.
But sometimes, you know, a lady needs a little cocktail.
Or a kale-tail.
[Laughs.]
Cheers.
No, ah ojos.
You have to look in my eyes, or it's seven years bad luck.
Especially if you're Mexican.
Or Cuban.
I can't remember which one, because I fucked them both.
[Laughs.]
Jeez, you don't have a filter, do you? Fuck filters.
Mm.
You know what? You should get an endorsement deal.
You just have to figure out what company's the best synergy with your brand.
- You think I have a brand? - Yeah.
Well, your spiel is all about seeing into the light, so an L.
E.
D.
company.
How about that? I mean, green products are the wave of the future, right? - Flashlights.
- Yeah.
- Fl lightsabers.
- Mm-hmm.
Flip that switch on your damn lightsab Bic lighters.
No, can't encourage smoking.
- No, no, no, no.
- Uh but you you know, once you get sponsorship, it is like sitting on a gold mine.
The other day it only took me four hours I did an instructional DVD for the horum juicer, paid off my lake house.
Damn it! - Yeah.
- I want a lake house.
And then to pay it off.
[Laughs.]
Well, I can probably help you with that.
What would you say to headlining with me in Puerto Rico over Easter? Puerto Rico? In Puerto Rico.
Are you kidding me? That sounds like a gas.
[Laughs.]
It is.
It's a great venue.
It's huge.
Lots of press.
And I'm a ton of fun on rum.
I bet you are.
[Slurps.]
Mmm.
You know, all of this different city every night and hotels and Puerto fucking Rico it's fabulous.
But in order to stay sane And happy, you have to make sure you have a few things.
Uh-huh.
You have to have a good pillow.
You need to have cable TV, and you need to have a reliable fuck buddy.
Wow.
- Yeah.
- That is so unexpected.
And flattering.
Mm.
Very flattering, Joy.
But here's the thing.
I I love my wife.
I'm deeply in love with my wife.
That's cool.
If we lived in a parallel universe, I would take you [Clears throat loudly.]
Hey, beddy-bye time.
Uh, your schedule tomorrow is nonstop, and you know what happens when you don't get your beauty sleep.
- Yep.
- You get ugly and cranky, and it's way too much for one Ababuo to handle.
Thanks, Ababs, you the best.
Mm, don't ever call me that again.
But speaking of best, have you spoken to your much better half? You know, it is so funny that you mention that.
I was actually just about to call her.
Well, tell Mrs.
J not to freak.
I'll get to my term paper after some room service.
Okay.
Night, ladies.
Good night.
You don't want to get on the wrong side of Mrs.
J.
Good night, Ababuo.
[Knock at door.]
Coming! [Sighs.]
- Hey.
- Wow! I guess this is officially a construction site.
Well, temperatures are really starting to drop.
I wanted to cover that hole up asap, so he told me about your path of destruction upstairs.
It's it's impressive.
It felt impressive until it felt stupid.
Please tell me you didn't have to carry that on the bus.
Oh, yeah, we did.
But, you know, like kids under five, wood rides free.
Here, check this out.
Oh.
We got, uh, Maxine's latest test results.
Her iron's looking great, and the kid's, like, the size of a cucumber.
Ah, that's fantastic news.
Always wanted a cucumber to call my very own.
[Laughs.]
It's great to see you, Maxine.
How are you feeling? Good, you know? Aside from the 2:00 A.
M.
boxing matches in my gut, I'm good.
Well, looks like you're bringing a fighter into the world.
Yeah, sure feels that way.
Just make sure she swings a hammer like she means it.
Well, look, she's going to have her own set of hand-tools, and she's going to learn how to use them.
Oh, and, Maxine, I have something for you.
You know, I was collecting things for a bazaar at Adam's church, and, you know, I found these old flowy tops.
They're not maternity, but they'll fit you, and they're they're they're kind of cute.
It's fine, re it's just one more month.
And, as long as my shirts just keep stretching, it's it's okay.
That's kind of done.
Thank you.
Oh, and, um, look.
If you don't like those, or even if you do, here's just a little mad money for you to just get something you feel great in.
Either for now or for after the baby comes.
Cathy, that's too much.
I-I can't I can't take that.
[Quietly.]
Yeah, you can.
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
Thank you.
Hey.
Hi.
Okay, what are you doing? I'm, uh, going through Marlene's cupboards, seeing if she has something that can double as deodorant.
[Sniffs.]
And she does.
Deodorant? Since when do you care what you smell like? Oh, I don't really care.
But, uh, the couple I'm dating suggested they might care a little bit.
Did you just say "couple"? Yep.
I'm dating a couple.
Which makes us a thruple.
Okay.
Y-you're saying that like it's a thing.
I doubt it's a thing.
Oh, no, it's a thing.
[Scoffs.]
Married couples like you and Paul are so 1998.
Now the new paradigm of true relationship fulfillment lies in the power of three like-minded people coming together to form a social, sexual, you know, six-legged octopus of love and camaraderie.
And who are these people who want you to be a part of their octopus? Well, there's Tim, the bicurious therapist who called my sex line, and his beautiful goddess of a pilates instructor wife Giselle.
Giselle and Tim.
I call them "Gism" for short.
We, uh, we tell each other how great the others are.
We cook meals.
We make each other laugh.
But we all need each other than the average person in a prehistoric couple.
Let me put it to you this way, Cath.
What's easier to ride, a bicycle or a tricycle? So are you you half gay? Eh, it's, uh, it's very dark under the covers.
I just kind of go with the flow.
What's in your box? Oh, it's just More stuff for Adam's church bazaar.
Thought maybe I could donate my way back into his heart.
Oh, he's already gone, but I could take it with me when I go.
You're going? Why are you going? Well, he invited me.
I'm taking Gism with me.
What, the thruple's invited, and I'm not? Come on, now.
Don't you think this is ridiculous? Ah, no, getting involved in this little mother-son fracas is a lose-lose situation.
Now playing the part of Switzerland, me.
Hey, does Paul have any old cologne bottles in here maybe? Like some Brut, Old Spice, little Drakkar Noir maybe? Bye.
[Overlapping chatter.]
Can I help you? Oh.
I I just have some clothes and things I thought might be useful.
Nothing too fancy, I'm afraid.
Everything helps.
Would you like a tax-deductible donation receipt? Think I'm good.
Aw, come on.
Try it.
You're missing out.
Oh, oh, oh, okay.
Maybe I'll compromise.
[Giggles.]
- Mmm.
- Aw, that looks good.
That looks good.
Can I have some? Mmm.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
Mmm, mmm.
Oh, hey! [Giggling.]
Hey, sis.
Oh, is this the famous Cathy? Oh, am I famous? Sean talks about you all the time.
And judging by the nature of his stories, I suspect some severe codependency issues.
Uh, doctor, our session's up.
Cathy, this is my better 2/3, Giselle and Tim.
Giselle, Tim, my uptight sister Cathy.
So nice to finally meet you.
And you too.
You all.
[Laughs.]
Have your eye on anything special? Uh, it's a little disappointing actually.
You know, dinners for two, couple's massage, a pair of ski tickets.
For a church that promotes so much equality, our thruple feels woefully underserved.
We should have you over for a meal sometime.
Tim and I make a great baked salmon.
There was always something missing, right, honey? Do you know what was missing? Sean's glaze.
Aw, come on, guys.
It's really simple.
Just a little lemon juice and brown sugar.
Hey, Mrs.
Jamison! This is so awesomely good.
Adam, look who's here! I'm gonna buy you one.
To die for.
This year's raffle committee went above and beyond.
Show them how much you appreciate them and dig into your pockets and buy a ticket or a Mom, what are you doing here? Look, I know you asked me not to come, but I want to support you.
So why don't we just forget everything that happened and start over, okay? Why can't you just leave me alone? Seriously, you should go.
Dude, what's what's the big deal? Just let her stay.
Hey, everybody.
Quick announcement.
First of all, thanks for your awesome donations so far.
You guys have been rocking the raffle tickets, and we are well on our way to smashing last year's numbers out of the water.
[Cheers and applause.]
To that end, prepare to have your minds blown, 'cause we're about to blow this bazaar bitch up, yo.
Chelsea, show them what our grand prize ticket holder will win! Yeah! [Cheering.]
What? That's a car.
That's right.
[Cheers and applause.]
That's funny.
That car looks kind of like thanks again to Adam for the generous gift.
You're the bomb, Jamison.
[Cheers and applause.]
Official drawing starts in T-minus three hours, so get those tickets now.
When did you steal the keys to my storage locker, Adam? I didn't steal anything, okay? I found them.
And all that stuff in there has my name on it.
All that stuff is mine.
No, no, no! Actually, it's not.
It's for future Adam.
It's for when you're older and I'm dead.
And I'm not dead yet.
Yeah, but I'm giving it away to help people.
Well, you have no right to do that.
No right! It's not what I wanted.
Not at all.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
There's been a terrible mistake.
My son donated that car without my permission.
Oh.
Well, that's not good.
Adam, I thought you said the car was yours to give.
No, it it w well, he may have thought that it was, but it's not.
I'm saving it as a as a gift for him for when he's older.
Way older.
Oh, so it is a gift for him.
You're just upset because he's not using it the way you intended? Is that it? Well, I don't think you quite u You know, Cathy, I I really don't want to get between a boy and his mom.
I just I really think Adam was just trying to learn from Jesus' example of generosity and be an example himself.
I don't know many kids his age who would be willing to give up such sweet wheels to help their fellow man.
And the money we collect for this car is going to go a long way to help a lot of people.
Just something to think about? You know? Thanks.
Thank you.
What the hell was that? What if he thinks that he can shame me into giving up a car, he's got another thing coming.
Yeah.
'Cause God forbid you do anything nice for anybody else.
Excuse me? You left me that car when you thought you were going to die, okay? And now that you're doing better, you should want to give back.
All that stuff isn't doing anyone any good just sitting in that stupid storage locker.
Okay? Be fucking grateful for a change.
Hey! Do not talk to me like that! Look, I I give back.
[Scoffs.]
In my own way.
III give a lot.
Really? Really? 'Cause to me, you seem pretty fucking selfish.
[Rock music.]
[Phone vibrating.]
Shake me up another one of these, maestro.
Wow, you sure are thirsty today.
More angry than thirsty.
Sorrow you can drown.
Rage floats.
In my experience, gin and vermouth only make things worse.
There's only one thing to do if you're angry.
What you gonna do? [Gunshots.]
Maybe I need a Martini in my hand.
I mean, did I hit anything? Well, those bottles are cocky.
But those logs over there are scared shitless of you.
Oh, good.
I shot winter.
I'm sick of fucking winter.
Here, can I do that? Yeah.
You're doing great for your first time out.
- [Laughs.]
- Just take your time.
The secret to shooting is patience.
Oh, well, then I'm fucked, 'cause patience is something I don't have a whole lot of right now.
Did I forget anything? Perfect.
You got it down.
Let's blow shit up.
[Gunshots.]
I don't let anyone guilt me into shit.
[Gunshot.]
I'm not afraid of anything or anyone.
[Gunshot.]
[Laughter.]
That was pretty badass.
[Phone vibrates.]
Oh, shit.
Honey, could you just see what that is? I swear to God, if I don't eat, I'm going to pass out.
Being inspirational 24 hours a day is making me anemic.
Okay, you have exactly - Mmm.
- To be dressed, pressed, and ready to help another ballroom full of losers.
Awesome.
I get to squeeze in a power nap.
If you fall asleep in your good jeans one more time, I'm going to kill you.
I'm not going to have you up onstage all wrinkly and mussed.
[Gasps.]
Oh, no, she didn't.
Ooh, she is shameless.
What? What's up? Joy has a "package" she wants you to come and get in her room.
Well I guess I, um I guess I better go get it then, right? No, no, no, no, no.
You know and I know that she wants to take her package, mix it up with your package, and make some sort of package deal.
Ababuo, just so you know, there ain't nothing going on between me and Joy and any of our packages, okay? And I'll also remind you that that's our boss, and you should probably speak about her with a little bit more respect.
Boss or no boss, I don't trust her.
And don't you mess up them jeans.
[Door slams.]
[Knock at door.]
Aha! I knew it.
Is this the package that you wanted Mr.
J to come down here and get? Well, I'm returning it due to lack of interest.
Shame on you, girl, standing there with all your lady business hanging out every which way.
He is a married m oh! There's a naked man there.
Is that room service, babe? I'm famished.
Yeah, I'll feed you in a minute, sweetheart.
Look, um, the only Package that I have for Paul is this one.
Okay, okay.
And a romantic dinner for two at the Garlic Haus goes to The holder of ticket 743687.
Here we go.
Yep.
This is bullshit! No matter how we position ourselves, one of us always gets cut out.
All right, Katie Lancaster's going to the Garlic Haus.
Look at this.
This is photo-booth discrimination.
- Mm-hmm.
- Who do I complain to - Hey, guys.
- Jesus? This is the most awesome bazaar we have ever had.
We totally killed it, everybody.
[Cheers and applause.]
Give yourselves a big round of applause.
I'm rocking the pride in everybody here.
Thanks again for all of your donations.
I mean, look at all of these amazing raffle prizes.
We've got the drum sets and some guitars, the ski package, an iPad, I mean, come on, are you kidding me? Dude, you played drums for 13 years? Yeah, man For the record, I help who I want to help.
All right, should we, uh should we draw another ticket here? [Cheering.]
What do we got next here? Uh, the espresso machine.
Very cool.
And that's only ten more to go until we get to our grand prize, everybody.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Engine starts.]
Holy shit.
God be with you.
[Engine revs, horn honks.]
[Tires squeal.]
[Rock music.]
Unpredictable world Hey, you've reached Dave.
Leave a message.
Dave, throw away your bus pass.
Your commute just got a whole lot easier.
Hang the horseshoe ooh ring the bell hey.
Most store brand juicers don't fully extract all your juices from your fruits and vegetables.
Cut them up first.
Then you just feed it into your juicer using your pusher if it gets stuck to slide it in ever so gently.
Look at the way those juices just come squirting out, mmm.
Mmm, that's the nectar of the gods, people.
Mmm, sweet nectar.
I love that.
Girl with a beautiful smile Ooh Hang the horseshoe ooh Ring the bell ooh Cross your fingers Run with a knife Look both ways Run for your life The future's coming Run with a knife Look both ways