The Boondocks s03e07 Episode Script

I am the stone that the builder refused I am the visual, the inspiration that made lady sing the blues the same spark that lights the dark so that you can know your left from your right I am the ballot in your box, the bullet in the gun the inner glow that lets you know to call your brother son the story that just begun the promise of what's to come and I'ma remain a soldier till the war is won chop chop chop judo flip chop chop chop Riley: People call me the fundraiser.
They call me that 'cause that's what I do.
I raise funds.
The first rule of fundraising is don't give nothin' to nobody -- period.
No charities, no homeless people, salvation army, red cross, starvin' africans, nothin'.
You can't be raising funds and giving funds away at the same time.
That's like getting high on your own supply.
I always had the drive to make money and the plan.
I knew that if I studied enough gangster movies, I'd know everything I'd need to know to take over the streets.
Boy, look at you! All you do is lay around here breathe my air, just as lazy as you can be! What am I supposed to do? I ain't got no money.
Try getting up off your ass and cleaning up my living room! You're lucky president Obama is not here to see this! You need a hobby or something.
Give me an allowance, and I'll find a good hobby.
Allowance?! I allow you to live here! I allow you to eat my food! I allow you to burn up my electricity! I mean a money allowance.
Well, how about this? Trash is starting to stink, and guess what? You're allowed to take it out.
I was a loser.
I might as well have been dead.
Hi, Riley.
Yeah, whatever.
Oh, well, hello, little baby.
Hey, Mr.
Freeman.
Would you like to buy some candy to help keep kids away from gangs and guns? Heck, no.
I'm a fan of gangs and guns.
I got some gangs and guns inside right now.
You want some? Mr.
Freeman.
I'd love some candy.
I'll take a whole box.
Granddad! Shut the hell up! Mind your business.
Thank you, Mr.
Freeman.
Okay, little baby.
Be good now.
Hey, what'd you just sell my granddad? Candy bars for the school fundraiser, silly.
Aren't you doing it? The school fundraiser.
I had to think back 'cause I wasn't paying attention the first time.
That's right, kids -- it's time for world's ultimate chocolates annual candy sale fundraiser! I've got mine, and I can't wait to get out there and sell, sell, sell! Then I remembered why I forgot.
The world's ultimate chocolates fundraiser is basically like selling crack on consignment, except you don't even get no money.
How they gonna disrespect the game like that? If you raise $500, you can win a Hannah Montana lenticular key ring.
If you raise $1,300, you'll receive a Jonas brothers toothbrush.
And $5,000, and you can have this beautiful "Chronicles of Narnia" iPod case! All right, who's ready to sell some candy? Aw, man, you're doing that? You don't even get to keep none of the money.
Yeah, but I've sold $4,000 of candy so far, which means I'm only $1,000 away from that iPod case.
Damn.
And that's when it hit me -- the best idea I ever had in my entire life.
That's the worst idea you ever had in your entire life.
You're just mad you didn't think of it.
You want to start a fundraiser with no cause? Cause, nigga? I'm the cause, 'cause I want a house, 'cause I want a yacht, 'cause I want to get this coif, nigga.
That's the cause.
You watch a lot of gangster movies, right? I've seen all of them.
That's how I know what to do.
Okay.
How many of them have a happy ending? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, but, see, that's how I know it's gonna work, right? 'Cause I've seen all the mistakes they made, and I'm not gonna make them same mistakes.
See, I'm gonna do everything the smart way.
Riley, I'm gonna tell you everything that's about to happen if you do this and how bad this is gonna end.
Aw, stop right there! Every time I want to do something, you tell me what's gonna happen first, and then that's what happen.
And you always ruin the endings of stuff, man.
I'm sick of it! I want to be surprised this time.
So, no matter how bad it is, you don't want to hear it? Nope.
'Cause it's really bad.
Hey, spoiler alert, nigga! Didn't you hear me? Keep it to yourself! Here.
Good luck.
Thanks.
That still kind of spoiled it, though.
The second rule of fundraising is that fundraising is not illegal.
See, that's 'cause you're not people.
They give you the money.
So, maybe you lie about what you're gonna do with it, but you never actually take their money and that's why it's legal.
Jazmine and Phil were the top candy sellers in the class.
If I was gonna take over the candy game, I'd need their help.
Who are we raising the money for? A good cause.
What cause? Uh, a bunch of causes, all of them -- gangs, guns, uh, all that good stuff.
Something that helps animals? Yeah, sure.
Whatever.
We'll keep gangs and guns away from animals.
I-I don't know.
I still think the school would be really mad.
Okay, I didn't want to tell you this.
World's ultimate chocolates They're secretly funded by the ku klux klan.
And Al-Qaeda.
What do you think? "Young Reezy's fun-raiser" -- I like it.
That positive [bleep.]
that people eat up.
Jazmine and Phil had to provide the start-up money for the business.
This is our candy money.
We need to get this back, Riley.
Why you guys so worried? You're wearing a bulletproof vest.
Cindy McPhearson, A.
K.
A.
C-mer.
She had the whole girl scout cookie game on lock.
Yo, what up, Cindy? Yo, I just seen this kid over there, right over there around the corner over there, and I know she ain't down with your team.
Who? I don't know -- some skinny, big-headed bitch.
Word? Come on.
She wasn't like Jazmine or Phil.
Cindy was a g.
What you think you're doing here? You talkin' to me? Yeah, I'm talking to you! What's in your bag?! I'll kill you, bitch! But what I really liked about her was that she had less compassion than the average girl.
Take off, bitch! This is my street! Yeah, run away, baby! Hey.
How's the cookie hustle? S'cool.
You want a box? Nah, I don't get it.
You get to keep any of that cookie money? I wish.
I move up in the girl scout ranks and get awards and whatnot but no cash.
I got a business proposal for you.
There's a lot of bars I need to move.
You know that's for suckers, right? Do I looks like a sucker? When you're ready to make some real dough, holler at me.
Get it? Dough -- cookies.
We had everything we needed to look like a legit company -- website, labels, and lots and lots of candy.
Sorry, kids, tapped out.
Someone just came through selling chocolate.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I just bought some from little Timothy.
Oh, if I see another bar of chocolate, I'm gonna be sick.
Hey, boy.
Terrible.
We couldn't move nothin'.
The streets are flooded with chocolate from the school fundraiser.
Well, I just wanted to say I'm proud of you.
Thanks, granddad.
You want to buy some candy? Hell no.
You must be out of your damn mind.
Now get the hell out of here.
See, we need to make it where there ain't no competition.
We need to move on 'em, push 'em out street by street, block by block.
That's what Beanie Sigel would do.
Why don't we just Riley: How? We'll walk up to 'em and say, "hey," and they say, "what?" And then we say, "this is our block.
Now, you're gonna get down or you're gonna lay down.
" And if they be like, "uh, oh, I don't know.
Let me think about it," we pull out the Roscoe and we be like, "blak-kow, blak-kow!" And they be like, "oh, you shot me! " And we'll be like, "take that [bleep.]
" We could offer them a better deal, like better prizes or something.
That's not what beans would do.
Beans would go to war.
Cindy's right.
Beans would go to war.
But war is bad for business.
We'll do better than stupid prizes.
Put the word out -- you sell for us, we'll pay you cash.
That brings us to the third rule of fundraising.
Doing business.
Hey, Riley.
Yeah? I heard that you're selling candy for a different fundraising company, one that pays kids cash.
Maybe.
Why should I tell you? Aw, come on, man.
I've been busting my ass selling candy for months, and all I've gotten is this stupid key ring.
It's called young Reezy's fun-raiser, but I they only want hustlers, people who'd do anything to gets that sale and make that money.
A lot of people can't handle that fast lifestyle.
I swear I can handle it.
When they called me to the office, I already knew what it was for.
By now, they had figured out we had knocked off over half the students in school.
He's waiting for you.
Nobody say nothin'.
Is it true that you're soliciting students to work for a different competing fundraiser, this, uh, young Reezy's fun-raiser company? They put the "fun" in "fundraising.
" That is completely unacceptable.
You will stop at once.
We already have permission slips from half the school's parents, saying that they'll sell candy for us exclusively.
I can't believe this.
Shame on you.
Shame on me?! What, you better than me? The state puts you in charge of these kids, and you turn around and pimp them out to some second-rate candy racket.
You disgust me! I'm curious -- what's your cut? How much does the school get? A'ight, fine.
I'll match that.
Can we go now? Uh, fair enough.
J.
Edgar Hoover Elementary likes to see its students giving back to the community.
Nobody.
I just pay the cost to do [bleep.]
This is how the operation worked.
Kids signed up to be sellers on our website, and their parents sent the money to a Paypal we paid off store owners for their old candy.
Once the candy was delivered to the seller, it was time for them to go sell.
And, man, did they sell.
They sold after school, on weekends, day, night, rain, sleet, whatever.
Parents were the best customers.
The fundraiser kept their kids occupied and even had them making their own money.
But it wasn't just about money.
It was about winning.
We had parents violating company policy just to get their kids' numbers up.
We had grown adults actually risking their jobs by trying to push bars on their co-workers, and it didn't cost me nothin'.
It was beautiful.
Once they finally sold their candy, they'd give us the cash, we'd give them their cut and another box of chocolate bars.
And the whole thing starts all over again.
We expanded into other neighborhoods.
Other schools were happy to take the same deal as Hoover.
Soon, we had set up competitions between local schools to see who could raise the most money.
And no matter who won We won.
Hey, you can't do that! That money is for the animals! Come on, Jazmine! We're allowed to spend some of it on ourselves.
Call it "operating expenses.
" Don't worry -- there gonna be plenty of money left for the animals.
Are you sure? How's it going? Fine.
Great.
Don't tell me nothin'.
All right.
But you should know that Jazmine is La-la-la-la-la-la-la! Not listening! I'm not listening! Watch out there, goldilocks.
All that chocolate can be bad for your health.
Say what? The operation needed more space, so we moved to a hotel downtown.
And this is the scarface suite.
They're just getting it cleaned up for you.
This will do perfect.
Hey, boy, you got a sec? It's about your, uh, fundraiser.
Who exactly are you raising all that money for? Because Huey said -- I'm sorry to interrupt, granddad, 'cause I really want to hear what you have to say, but I got something I want you to see right quick.
It's outside.
Huey, you can come, too.
Aah! Is that a gibbs aquada?! Yeah, yeah, the car that turns into a boat and then For me?! Oh! I can't believe it! Oh, you're the best grandson ever! Way better than the other one.
Uh, yeah, granddad, you wanted to talk to me about somethin'? Uh, nothin'.
Mnh-mnh.
Never mind.
Oh, I can't believe it! I'm gonna be just like James Bond now! James Bond.
James Bond.
James Bond.
Oh! Riley, we got problems -- Big problems! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on? They came by my office today.
They're mad.
I mean, they're really mad.
So what? I'm supposed to be scared of a bunch of guys who make candy? Well, they scared me.
I-I'm done, Riley.
I-I'm -- I'm out.
Paying your punk ass to do nothin' anyway.
You see, uh, Tom, all it takes is good, solid grandparenting.
Look at him.
He's working hard, taking the initiative.
Flat screen and this! Ooh, that's nice! I know! But it just seems like they're making an awful lot of money.
Try and stop Riley before it's too late! At least Riley loves his granddaddy enough to buy him stuff! What have you ever bought me, huh?! You need to be more like your brother and try to make the world a better place for me.
World's ultimate chocolates started playing rough.
The message was clear.
They wanted us out.
They intimidated our suppliers Get out of here! Schools Hey! .
Everybody.
[bleep.]
Well, almost everybody.
Holy [bleep.]
Knackers! Ce here! Help! Let me go! Let No, no, no! No, God, please don't! No! Aah! All right, we just gonna stay cool and keep doing what we doing.
And just ignore all this? These guys ain't no gangsters.
They make chocolate.
One 4-foot-long slab of chocolate for Riley Freeman.
Sign right here, nigga.
Huh? Clear his mouth.
Who did this?! They said -- they said they were from world's ultimate chocolates.
They wanted me to give you a message that this was just the beginning.
Oh, God, it was so scary! I want to go home now! What? Me too.
I-I quit, too.
Why? 'Cause he got dipped in chocolate? Big deal -- he's a kid! That sounds like something most kids would want to have happen.
Eat your way out of it, nigga.
Take a bath.
Let's all get back to getting this money.
No way! This is too weird! Granddad, you have to listen.
Do not get into that car.
It's a car boat -- thank you very much.
Now get out of the way.
You want to be in this business, you got to pay the cost of doing business.
And when the costs get too you get out of business.
You always got to spoil somethin', huh? Damn.
I was going to the hotel to shut down the operation, but I wasn't sure what I had started could be huh? Hey, l-look here, brother.
Can you spare, uh, some money for a starvin' African? Hey, you never know when you might need some good karma now.
First rule of fundraising -- don't give nothin' to nobody.
But I ain't no fundraiser no more.
Thank you so very much, brother.
Good luck to you.
Hope you don't mind -- we made some tea.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm the bloke you're stealing from.
The name's Allister Rigby.
But as far as you're concerned, I'm Willy [bleep.]
Wonka, and you're taking a [bleep.]
in my [bleep.]
chocolate factory.
Easy, boss.
Don't get upset.
When I have to go to the dentist, I'm upset.
When Liverpool beats Arsenal, I'm upset.
But when some little [bleep.]
Decides to take over one of the most profitable territories in the country, I'm beyond [bleep.]
Upset.
I'm very [bleep.]
upset.
So from now on, you're under new management.
You will work for me.
And in return, you'll receive an allowance.
Yes, allowance, as in I'm allowing you to keep drawing breath on this earth.
Now, you either get down or you what's it gonna be, sunshine? This wasn't no movie.
The smart thing was to say, "yes," get up, and leave the room.
But then I thought to myself, "what if this was a movie?" Look [bleep.]
you [bleep.]
the plane you flew in on [bleep.]
Them shoes [bleep.]
your socks with the bell on it [bleep.]
your gay ass [bleep.]
[bleep.]
accent [bleep.]
them cheap-ass cigars [bleep.]
your yuck-mouth teeth [bleep.]
your hairpiece [bleep.]
Your chocolate [bleep.]
Prince William [bleep.]
The queen.
This is America.
My president is black, and my lambo is blue, nigga.
Now get the [bleep.]
out of my hotel room.
And if I see you on the street, I'm slapping the [bleep.]
out of you.
I think this one's spent too much time in the cinema.
Teach this cheeky bastard a lesson.
Nobody [bleep.]
move! Aw, man! This is bad! What is this -- a casting call for "the sopranos" reunion? Do me a favor -- tell room service nobody here ordered the extra-large wop with a side order of wops! Whoa! Boss! [bleep.]
I thought he'd never shut up.
So, you guys are probably wondering why we just kicked in the door and shot your boss here in the face.
Well, to be honest It's tough times out there.
Nobody's spending on nothin' -- no drugs, no whores, no gambling, nothin', except, apparently, chocolate bars.
So consider this a hostile takeover.
We got a problem? No, absolutely not.
No.
Now get the [bleep.]
out of here.
FBI! Federal agents! Nobody move! Really bad! If you need it, I can find it if you want it, I can get it if you need it, I can find it if you want it, I can get it If you need it, I can find it Aaaah! If you need it, I can find it if you want it, I can get it if you need it, I can find it How much we got? What do you mean? Don't play with me, Jazmine! We don't have any money.
I donated it.
You what?! I thought that's what I was supposed to do.
You gave away the money?! Who told you to give away the money?! I thought that was the point of a fundraiser! No! Why you do that?! You said it was for charity! You never give the money away! Oh, God! Who you give the money to?! Hello -- peta.
Man, why you didn't tell me she was gonna give away the money?! So, here I am, back to being a nobody, a loser.
The thing that people ask me the most is would I do it again.
Hey.
You still can sell these chocolate bars for charity?