The Cleveland Show s03e07 Episode Script
3APS10 - Die Semi-Hard
It's freezing out here.
I don't even know why Osama bin Laden was at Jesus' birthday.
You're a wise man, dummy.
Freeze.
Here comes a car! Jesus was white! Ow! I'm starting to think only jerks drive Camaros.
Cleveland, my buzz is wearing off, and now I don't know why I agreed to this.
We're going inside.
Wait! Let us pass our mangering time with a wonderful Christmas story.
Oh, Lord.
This best not start with, "The year was 1988.
" The year was 1988 What's wrong, fellow traveler? You look nervous.
This is our first parody.
Ah.
You want to know the secret to a good parody? When you get to your destination, take off your shoes and socks and make fists with your toes.
Okay.
Now, you can help me.
Am I allowed to call it a sandwich if I eat three pieces of bread stacked together? You talking about a bread sandwich?! I suppose I am.
Yeah, man, little mayo It's okay.
I'm not a cop.
And if you went to the bathroom one more time, I was gonna shoot you.
I have a too-small colostomy bag.
That's nasty.
Ah! I've missed you so.
Oh.
I know.
Hmm.
California.
You Brown? I'm Rallo.
People call me Argyle.
Aren't you a little young to be a limo driver? Aren't you a little old to be an action hero? Ha.
Good banter.
So my wife got this great job out here with Waterman International.
She must make more than you.
Mm-hmm.
That's what we've been fighting on account of.
Have mercy.
Although I do take some comfort in knowing she still makes less than a man would for doing the same job.
I think tonight's Christmas party might be my chance to make it up to her.
Lord gonna set it straight.
Are you even listening to anything I'm saying? Have mercy.
You must be Cleveland.
Yore gonna die.
I've fallen, and I can't get up.
Ha! Like that old lady in the commercial that we all just saw for the first time because it's 1988! That reference will never get old.
Come on, terrorists and guy who looks like Huey Lewis.
Let's take over this building.
Dudes, I really have fallen, and I can't get up.
Boy, that joke got old quick.
Holt.
Hold on.
I'm almost finished.
This is Cleveland Brown, Donna's husband.
Hi.
You're also gonna die.
Yeah! Hey, bud, you want a line? It's something new called cocaine.
Cleveland, you made it! Let's give Miss Tubbs some privacy.
Tubbs.
Crockett.
Sprockets.
Now we dance.
Oops, '90s.
I'm so high right now.
Drip! Why aren't you using my last name? No one likes working with a married woman, Cleveland.
No one.
I'm just glad you're here now.
One sec.
Some stranger told me to take my shoes off.
Do you mind? I've been doing a lot of thinking since we've been apart, and I realized, all I want for Christmas is my two front us.
Cleveland! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Look, we're under the mistletoe.
Cleveland, you haven't changed a bit.
Hi.
We're the bad guys.
Uh, tell me, which one of you is CEO Lloyd Waterman? I'm Lloyd Waterman.
Bitch.
Hmm.
I bet I could.
Hee-hee! Aw, now I ain't got no shoes.
Oh, God, terrorists! Terrorists? Oh, no! Aah! There's no way I'm giving you the codes to the vault.
And I don't care what unspeakable things this brawny beefcake does to my body! Mr.
Waterman, I'm going to, uh, count to three.
One.
Ha-ha-ha.
Two.
Ha-ha-ha.
Three.
Oh.
Not the kind of shot in the face he wanted.
What was that? Ice machine.
Kendra, go check out that wisecracking ice machine.
I hope it's next to a vending machine, 'cause I'm huge! Ice to meet you! Yah! I never was an ice machine.
Guys, since it looks like we're not going anywhere for a while, we might as well have our Christmas gift exchange.
Who's got number one? I have number one, but I got to go number two, 'cause I'm outrageous! Hmm.
Cutty Sark.
This alcohol's gonna give me loose lips, and y'all know they ain't too tight to start with.
I'm outrageous! Kendra! I guess she's eating in a better place now.
Bye, Fatso.
Mayday! Mayday! Bad guys have taken over the Waterman tower! They're foreign, but not Arab, because they're not the go-to bad guys yet.
That sounds serious.
I'll put in a call to a cop who shot a kid.
Junior, this is the hot girl who shouldn't be stuck in dispatch.
We need you to investigate possible gunfire at the Waterman Building.
Okay.
Twinkie, Twinkie, little snack Wonder how you'd taste with cheese.
Mmm.
Oh, my God, I'm the first rapper to get shot! I bet this becomes a thing.
"This strap can hold up to 200 pounds.
" I'll be fine then.
I'm fatter than I said! Phew! Finger curls paying off.
Excuse me, guy who looks like Huey Lewis, but are there terrorists shooting guns here? No, no one's here at all.
As a cop on Christmas, that's all I need to hear.
I shot a kid.
Where are you going?! Oh, I've got to get his attention.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Oh! Welcome to the party over here, pal! Hello? Bad guys? Oh, the mystery man.
So, who are you? Just another American who watched too many TV mysteries as a child? Who do you think you are? Magnum P.
U.
or MacMillan and Loaf, or Murder She Float, or Simon and Semen? I've always been partial to cartoon dogs.
Scooby Dooby Doo,.
I'm sorry, we didn't catch that.
There was a long beep at the end of your sentence.
Where are you, so we can come kill you? I'll never tell.
Bye-bye.
All right, where am I? Ah, 34th floor.
Northeast corner.
Under the exit sign.
of the elevator.
Oops.
Thumb's still on the button.
Uh I mean, I'm on Planet 34th Floor.
Hmm.
They gonna looking all over space.
Hello? Where the Pac-Man at? I'm in! I wonder if I could use this to make a woman.
Number 13.
Ooh, that's me! A sleeve of Dunlaps.
That's hilarious.
Big box, small gift.
I've never seen that before.
Who did this? Hoo-hoo.
Looks like I got a hole in one.
Nailed it.
If the person who called in the emergency can hear me, please respond.
That's me.
I shot a kid.
Oh.
How you holding up? I'm feeling pretty unappreciated.
Well, I love you.
Whoa, easy, banana pants.
Uhp, talk to you later.
I love you, too.
Freeze, bear.
Oh, no, you're one of them! Please don't kill me! Hey, hey, relax.
What are you doing up here? Yeah, the party was a real, uh, snausage-fest.
Weirdly put, American friend.
What's your name? Poop.
Dick Poop.
You've got bare feet.
You've got bear feet.
You want to stay alive, stay with me.
We're on the 26th floor.
Oh, you're the terrorist! What other voices do you do? Do George Washington.
Martha, where are my teeth? Ha! Could've been.
Lester, shoot the glass! But he ain't wearing no shoes! That is the point.
Oh! Come on, guys! Stop shooting the glass! Son of a bitch got away.
Yah! Uhp.
Need that.
Okay, let's go.
Screw it.
I'm leaving it in.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
I'm Agent Johnson, this is Special Agent Johnson.
No relation.
My family owned his.
Now which one of you limp-wristed pickle-smoochers do I have to talk to about getting the power shut off? Right here, sugar.
Shut it down.
Aw, my buttery popcorn.
All right, looks like we're gonna have to do this the hard way.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Merry Chrismo.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Emergency lighting activated.
Junior, what's going on out there? The FBI cut the power.
I'm starting to get nervous.
If I die, I need you to do something.
What's that? Behind my dresser, there are some magazines called Cross-Eyed Oriental Street Girls.
I need you to get them out of my house.
But don't look at them or you'll find yourself staring down every girl in Chinatown.
And they'll know why.
And most of them won't be cool with it.
But the ones that are, they will work you out Jack! No.
Um, we are here to, um, interview the, um, daughter of Cleveland and, um, Donna Tubbs.
No, she-she no want interview.
Um, but we have information that she No.
No interview.
would be, um No, no.
here.
No.
Um No.
Um No.
I.
N.
S.
? No.
Scooby-Doo? Uh, where are you? Rover here! Ha! But your real name is Cleveland Brown.
I know because I have a friend of yours here.
Oh, please be pre-AIDS Magic Johnson.
Cleve-bro? Holt, what are you doing? Relax.
I told them we started a bar way down in Kokomo.
Ah, that would be a dream.
Hey, you didn't tell them I'm married to Donna Tubbs, right? No way.
Good.
Because then they'd shoot you in the head.
Uhp.
He gone.
Good-bye, Kokomo.
I knew you knew someone at the party.
Hey, Bonnie Brown-delia.
Let's say you and me head down to the vault and see if we're the right combination.
Tim, I'm right here.
Of course you are.
You're everywhere.
Mm.
This town's dirty.
I don't like it.
You killed my wife.
Time to die.
That stinky pig blob was your wife? Yes! You'll save money on hamburgers now.
And now here's some savings for you.
Are we back? Where's my wife? I'll never tell! How 'bout now that you're seconds older and you have more perspective? All right, then.
They took all them hostages to the roof, and they's gonna blow 'em up.
That was very mature of you.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Doink.
Man, I love killing.
Number 46? Also deceased.
Forty-seven.
Praise the Lord! Now, I could tell you about Noah's Ark, but tonight I'm 'bout the Cutty Sark! Where's Donna? Check it out.
Jewel of the Nile.
They took her to the vault downstairs.
Okay, everybody off the roof! What is causing all this smog? Get out of here, smog! Die! Die! Die! That's a terrorist.
This is what this was all about? Stealing a TV? Not just a TV.
The world's largest TV.
The hostages are coming back down.
Did the fart lady keep the Cutty Sark? Oh, forget it.
Blow the roof.
Say, good night, nancy boy.
There's no way he heard you.
Ah No, no, no, no, no, no! Tim! Okay, Cleveland, drop the gun or your sexy, chocolate wife gets it.
Now, now, what did you say to me before? "Scooby Dooby Doo,.
" Why-why is this funny? Did I say a Sniglet? Donna! Ow! Cleveland, help! Just pull the pins out! You crazy?! I paid a fortune for this wig! We'll get another one that doesn't make you look like a Oompa Loompa! You smell horrible.
You smell horrible, too.
And look horrible.
Thank you, Freddy.
You were no help at all.
I know.
This is my wife Donna.
Donna Tubbs.
Donna Tubbs Brown.
There it is! Why the hell'd you do that?! I told you, I shoot kids.
Old habits die hard.
The end.
Yay! Will you tell us the sequel next Christmas? Let's see what the Internet says about this one first.
I don't even know why Osama bin Laden was at Jesus' birthday.
You're a wise man, dummy.
Freeze.
Here comes a car! Jesus was white! Ow! I'm starting to think only jerks drive Camaros.
Cleveland, my buzz is wearing off, and now I don't know why I agreed to this.
We're going inside.
Wait! Let us pass our mangering time with a wonderful Christmas story.
Oh, Lord.
This best not start with, "The year was 1988.
" The year was 1988 What's wrong, fellow traveler? You look nervous.
This is our first parody.
Ah.
You want to know the secret to a good parody? When you get to your destination, take off your shoes and socks and make fists with your toes.
Okay.
Now, you can help me.
Am I allowed to call it a sandwich if I eat three pieces of bread stacked together? You talking about a bread sandwich?! I suppose I am.
Yeah, man, little mayo It's okay.
I'm not a cop.
And if you went to the bathroom one more time, I was gonna shoot you.
I have a too-small colostomy bag.
That's nasty.
Ah! I've missed you so.
Oh.
I know.
Hmm.
California.
You Brown? I'm Rallo.
People call me Argyle.
Aren't you a little young to be a limo driver? Aren't you a little old to be an action hero? Ha.
Good banter.
So my wife got this great job out here with Waterman International.
She must make more than you.
Mm-hmm.
That's what we've been fighting on account of.
Have mercy.
Although I do take some comfort in knowing she still makes less than a man would for doing the same job.
I think tonight's Christmas party might be my chance to make it up to her.
Lord gonna set it straight.
Are you even listening to anything I'm saying? Have mercy.
You must be Cleveland.
Yore gonna die.
I've fallen, and I can't get up.
Ha! Like that old lady in the commercial that we all just saw for the first time because it's 1988! That reference will never get old.
Come on, terrorists and guy who looks like Huey Lewis.
Let's take over this building.
Dudes, I really have fallen, and I can't get up.
Boy, that joke got old quick.
Holt.
Hold on.
I'm almost finished.
This is Cleveland Brown, Donna's husband.
Hi.
You're also gonna die.
Yeah! Hey, bud, you want a line? It's something new called cocaine.
Cleveland, you made it! Let's give Miss Tubbs some privacy.
Tubbs.
Crockett.
Sprockets.
Now we dance.
Oops, '90s.
I'm so high right now.
Drip! Why aren't you using my last name? No one likes working with a married woman, Cleveland.
No one.
I'm just glad you're here now.
One sec.
Some stranger told me to take my shoes off.
Do you mind? I've been doing a lot of thinking since we've been apart, and I realized, all I want for Christmas is my two front us.
Cleveland! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Look, we're under the mistletoe.
Cleveland, you haven't changed a bit.
Hi.
We're the bad guys.
Uh, tell me, which one of you is CEO Lloyd Waterman? I'm Lloyd Waterman.
Bitch.
Hmm.
I bet I could.
Hee-hee! Aw, now I ain't got no shoes.
Oh, God, terrorists! Terrorists? Oh, no! Aah! There's no way I'm giving you the codes to the vault.
And I don't care what unspeakable things this brawny beefcake does to my body! Mr.
Waterman, I'm going to, uh, count to three.
One.
Ha-ha-ha.
Two.
Ha-ha-ha.
Three.
Oh.
Not the kind of shot in the face he wanted.
What was that? Ice machine.
Kendra, go check out that wisecracking ice machine.
I hope it's next to a vending machine, 'cause I'm huge! Ice to meet you! Yah! I never was an ice machine.
Guys, since it looks like we're not going anywhere for a while, we might as well have our Christmas gift exchange.
Who's got number one? I have number one, but I got to go number two, 'cause I'm outrageous! Hmm.
Cutty Sark.
This alcohol's gonna give me loose lips, and y'all know they ain't too tight to start with.
I'm outrageous! Kendra! I guess she's eating in a better place now.
Bye, Fatso.
Mayday! Mayday! Bad guys have taken over the Waterman tower! They're foreign, but not Arab, because they're not the go-to bad guys yet.
That sounds serious.
I'll put in a call to a cop who shot a kid.
Junior, this is the hot girl who shouldn't be stuck in dispatch.
We need you to investigate possible gunfire at the Waterman Building.
Okay.
Twinkie, Twinkie, little snack Wonder how you'd taste with cheese.
Mmm.
Oh, my God, I'm the first rapper to get shot! I bet this becomes a thing.
"This strap can hold up to 200 pounds.
" I'll be fine then.
I'm fatter than I said! Phew! Finger curls paying off.
Excuse me, guy who looks like Huey Lewis, but are there terrorists shooting guns here? No, no one's here at all.
As a cop on Christmas, that's all I need to hear.
I shot a kid.
Where are you going?! Oh, I've got to get his attention.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Oh! Welcome to the party over here, pal! Hello? Bad guys? Oh, the mystery man.
So, who are you? Just another American who watched too many TV mysteries as a child? Who do you think you are? Magnum P.
U.
or MacMillan and Loaf, or Murder She Float, or Simon and Semen? I've always been partial to cartoon dogs.
Scooby Dooby Doo,.
I'm sorry, we didn't catch that.
There was a long beep at the end of your sentence.
Where are you, so we can come kill you? I'll never tell.
Bye-bye.
All right, where am I? Ah, 34th floor.
Northeast corner.
Under the exit sign.
of the elevator.
Oops.
Thumb's still on the button.
Uh I mean, I'm on Planet 34th Floor.
Hmm.
They gonna looking all over space.
Hello? Where the Pac-Man at? I'm in! I wonder if I could use this to make a woman.
Number 13.
Ooh, that's me! A sleeve of Dunlaps.
That's hilarious.
Big box, small gift.
I've never seen that before.
Who did this? Hoo-hoo.
Looks like I got a hole in one.
Nailed it.
If the person who called in the emergency can hear me, please respond.
That's me.
I shot a kid.
Oh.
How you holding up? I'm feeling pretty unappreciated.
Well, I love you.
Whoa, easy, banana pants.
Uhp, talk to you later.
I love you, too.
Freeze, bear.
Oh, no, you're one of them! Please don't kill me! Hey, hey, relax.
What are you doing up here? Yeah, the party was a real, uh, snausage-fest.
Weirdly put, American friend.
What's your name? Poop.
Dick Poop.
You've got bare feet.
You've got bear feet.
You want to stay alive, stay with me.
We're on the 26th floor.
Oh, you're the terrorist! What other voices do you do? Do George Washington.
Martha, where are my teeth? Ha! Could've been.
Lester, shoot the glass! But he ain't wearing no shoes! That is the point.
Oh! Come on, guys! Stop shooting the glass! Son of a bitch got away.
Yah! Uhp.
Need that.
Okay, let's go.
Screw it.
I'm leaving it in.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
I'm Agent Johnson, this is Special Agent Johnson.
No relation.
My family owned his.
Now which one of you limp-wristed pickle-smoochers do I have to talk to about getting the power shut off? Right here, sugar.
Shut it down.
Aw, my buttery popcorn.
All right, looks like we're gonna have to do this the hard way.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Merry Chrismo.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Emergency lighting activated.
Junior, what's going on out there? The FBI cut the power.
I'm starting to get nervous.
If I die, I need you to do something.
What's that? Behind my dresser, there are some magazines called Cross-Eyed Oriental Street Girls.
I need you to get them out of my house.
But don't look at them or you'll find yourself staring down every girl in Chinatown.
And they'll know why.
And most of them won't be cool with it.
But the ones that are, they will work you out Jack! No.
Um, we are here to, um, interview the, um, daughter of Cleveland and, um, Donna Tubbs.
No, she-she no want interview.
Um, but we have information that she No.
No interview.
would be, um No, no.
here.
No.
Um No.
Um No.
I.
N.
S.
? No.
Scooby-Doo? Uh, where are you? Rover here! Ha! But your real name is Cleveland Brown.
I know because I have a friend of yours here.
Oh, please be pre-AIDS Magic Johnson.
Cleve-bro? Holt, what are you doing? Relax.
I told them we started a bar way down in Kokomo.
Ah, that would be a dream.
Hey, you didn't tell them I'm married to Donna Tubbs, right? No way.
Good.
Because then they'd shoot you in the head.
Uhp.
He gone.
Good-bye, Kokomo.
I knew you knew someone at the party.
Hey, Bonnie Brown-delia.
Let's say you and me head down to the vault and see if we're the right combination.
Tim, I'm right here.
Of course you are.
You're everywhere.
Mm.
This town's dirty.
I don't like it.
You killed my wife.
Time to die.
That stinky pig blob was your wife? Yes! You'll save money on hamburgers now.
And now here's some savings for you.
Are we back? Where's my wife? I'll never tell! How 'bout now that you're seconds older and you have more perspective? All right, then.
They took all them hostages to the roof, and they's gonna blow 'em up.
That was very mature of you.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Doink.
Man, I love killing.
Number 46? Also deceased.
Forty-seven.
Praise the Lord! Now, I could tell you about Noah's Ark, but tonight I'm 'bout the Cutty Sark! Where's Donna? Check it out.
Jewel of the Nile.
They took her to the vault downstairs.
Okay, everybody off the roof! What is causing all this smog? Get out of here, smog! Die! Die! Die! That's a terrorist.
This is what this was all about? Stealing a TV? Not just a TV.
The world's largest TV.
The hostages are coming back down.
Did the fart lady keep the Cutty Sark? Oh, forget it.
Blow the roof.
Say, good night, nancy boy.
There's no way he heard you.
Ah No, no, no, no, no, no! Tim! Okay, Cleveland, drop the gun or your sexy, chocolate wife gets it.
Now, now, what did you say to me before? "Scooby Dooby Doo,.
" Why-why is this funny? Did I say a Sniglet? Donna! Ow! Cleveland, help! Just pull the pins out! You crazy?! I paid a fortune for this wig! We'll get another one that doesn't make you look like a Oompa Loompa! You smell horrible.
You smell horrible, too.
And look horrible.
Thank you, Freddy.
You were no help at all.
I know.
This is my wife Donna.
Donna Tubbs.
Donna Tubbs Brown.
There it is! Why the hell'd you do that?! I told you, I shoot kids.
Old habits die hard.
The end.
Yay! Will you tell us the sequel next Christmas? Let's see what the Internet says about this one first.