The Conners (2018) s03e07 Episode Script

1 MS.
RUBY: The winter at Valley Forge was harsh, and more than 2,000 soldiers deserted the army.
However, the strong leadership of George Washington held the army together.
All lies.
Washington grew pot, and while the soldiers were fighting, him and Betsy Ross were off behind the flag getting baked.
Shh! They can hear you.
We're in class.
Mark, stop bothering me and focus on your teacher.
- Education's important, lad.
- One of the most significant events at Valley Forge was the arrival of Frederick Wilhelm von Steuben.
Is that blonde boy Henry? The one you think is cute? [Keys clacking.]
Thanks for that.
I wasn't muted, so I guess the next move is Henry's.
If Harris comes down, don't let her come in the kitchen.
Ben and I are working on a surprise for her birthday.
Oh, I have a surprise, too.
I didn't know it was her birthday.
Well, I tried to give you a heads up last night.
Where were you, on another date? Yeah, and I should have known if he was wearing a mask in his profile picture, he was hiding something a giant nose ring.
He said that's where you attach the leash.
Seems to me maybe you could hang onto one that way.
I know my education doesn't mean anything to any of you, but I'd like to be the first person to make it out of this house by 40.
It's not about getting out.
It's about staying out.
Oh, you're right.
It's fun decorating a birthday cake Harris is gonna hate.
[Chuckles.]
"To our rainbow unicorn magic princess.
" [Laughs.]
That is pure evil.
I love you so much right now.
[Cellphone buzzes.]
Why are my parents calling me? They're supposed to be having fun in Florida.
[Buzzing continues.]
[Groans.]
Hi, Mom.
BARB: Hi, Ben.
It's your mom.
Yes.
I know.
[Chuckles.]
That's why I said, "Hi, Mom.
" Uh I'm only seeing your ear.
Hold the phone out so I can see your face.
[Sighs.]
There you go.
Ben, your father's dead.
What? He was playing golf on the 14th hole and he got into the golf cart, and his friends said he just collapsed.
And he was under par.
All right, um Okay, I'll I'll get there as soon as I can.
I'll book a flight when we hang up.
Oh, why, sweetie? He's already dead.
Listen, I've got to get off the phone.
I have a lot of arrangements to make.
O-Okay.
Bye, Mom.
Just call me if you need me.
- [Sighs.]
- Ben, I am so sorry.
Are you okay? I don't know.
Um I mean, we weren't close, but he was still my dad, you know? Oh, of course.
I'm sure it's still hard.
I thought we'd have more time to work through some of our stuff.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
It's like you're always waiting for that right moment, and then suddenly, there can never be one.
[Chuckles.]
He was always so mad at me for something.
I just felt like I was a disappointment to him.
Oh.
Yeah, but I-I'm sure at some point, he stopped expecting to be proud of you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not good at comforting.
3x07 A Cold Mom, a Brother Daddy and a Prison Baby Thanks again for babysitting, Emilio.
I'm not babysitting.
I'm her dad.
But if you want to give me 20 bucks, I'm not too proud to take it.
And I'm broke enough to say no.
That's okay.
It's worth it just to look at how cute she is when she sleeps.
Don't fall for it.
It's a trick.
That's how they get you to love them.
How's Ben doing? Uh, as good as can be expected.
His mom is coming to visit tomorrow.
I don't know where we're gonna put her.
Time to gussy up the chicken coop.
So, you're home early.
How was your date? It was a nightmare.
- Another bad one, huh? - [Scoffs.]
This guy was a nervous wreck.
He sat across from me at the table and kept pulling out a temperature gun and shooting it at me.
"Beep.
97.
1.
Okay.
Okay.
Let's order.
" Five minutes later.
"Beep.
Oh, boy.
98.
6.
I gotta go.
Can you cover the drinks?" Well, my last date was bad, too.
I asked her if she wanted to go to a dinner or a drive-in movie.
She said she wanted to go from store to store looking for disinfecting wipes.
[Laughs.]
Oh.
[Crowd cheering on television.]
Well I better get going.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, stay.
Finish watching the basketball game.
- Really? - Yeah.
Scoot over.
Make some room.
I'll go get some popcorn, and we'll watch the game together.
[Chuckles.]
Great.
You know, people said our green card marriage wouldn't work, but I like talking about bad dates with my husband.
Hey, Magic Unicorn Princess! Happy birthday! How's the cake? I wouldn't be eating it if there was anything else in the house.
They ran out of frosting, so one layer is just saltines.
It does add a nice crunch where you don't expect it.
I'm gonna grab some microwave popcorn.
- We don't have any.
- Let's see what Betty Crocker says.
Oh, my God.
We have secret microwave popcorn? You don't.
I do.
This is for me and Emilio.
Hmm.
He's staying? You usually boot him out as soon as you get home.
Not tonight.
We're hanging out and watching the game.
Huh.
Watching a game.
Okay.
Take your bra off in here.
Saves time.
Unless you like to watch them struggle.
Sometimes that's good for a laugh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- That's not what's going on.
- Really? He's dating, I'm dating.
He's totally moved on.
Here's a tip, kid.
There's a bag of beef jerky taped to the back of the toilet tank.
That's disgusting.
Upstairs or down? Upstairs is sweet, downstairs is savory.
[Beverly Rose fussing.]
It's okay.
It's okay.
Mommy will be right back.
She's making popcorn for us.
I think Mommy's finally into Daddy.
- [Beverly Rose grunts.]
- I know.
When I heard it, I almost pooped myself, too.
I should stop.
Whatever this stain is, it's holding the fabric together.
Darlene, relax.
You don't have to impress my mom.
Oh, and I told her that we're only living here until the escrow closes on our giant new house that we got from all the money we made from our successful magazine.
Wow.
We're having a way better life than I thought we were.
[Laughing.]
I just I don't want to have to hear her criticism.
Oh, yes, don't touch her.
She's an ice queen.
You know how in "A Christmas Story," the kid gets his tongue stuck to the freezing pole? It'll be like that.
So don't put my tongue on her, got it.
Mm-hmm.
[Knock on door.]
Mom.
I'm really glad you're here.
This is the house where you're staying while the escrow closes.
You know, they bust into houses like this on that program "Cops.
" Mom, it's so good to see [Laughs.]
Oh, it's okay.
Don't.
Uh, I've been vaccinated, but the plane was filthy even though I was in first class, which is way better than coach.
Your father would never spend the money, but on the way to the airport, I saw a billboard that said, "Just do it.
" And I decided that was your father's way of telling me, "I'm cheap and I'm dead.
Fly first class.
" Oh, well, we have those billboards all over town.
The last time I saw "Just Do It," I pulled over, and I got a burrito.
But it was a big one, so it's kind of the same thing.
[Chuckles.]
Who's she? You know who she is.
I've sent you pictures.
This is Darlene.
Oh.
You're just a little itty-bitty thing.
Mom.
Uh, no, it's okay.
I'm used to it.
Grown-ups try to hold my hand at crosswalks all the time.
Listen, I am so sorry about your husband.
You don't have to feel bad for me.
Or for my husband.
He had a good, full life.
Of course, he wanted grandkids, but that didn't happen for a variety of reasons.
I'm not pointing fingers.
Dropping this off.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to intrude.
Oh, no, Jackie.
It's fine.
Mom, this is Darlene's aunt, Jackie.
Well, she's normal-sized.
Maybe you didn't get enough sunlight.
Uh.
[Chuckles.]
I'm so sorry for your loss, or if you're relieved, I'm happy for your freedom.
I've seen both.
[Laughs.]
I'm somewhere in the middle.
Yeah.
Well, if you wouldn't mind dropping that off for Harris? The restaurant's got me hopping.
It's cold.
People want stew.
Stew? Yeah.
I own The Lunch Box.
Lanford's only stew restaurant.
Ah.
Well, I guess if people want hobo food, they have to have a place to get it.
You remind me of somebody.
[Laughs.]
If you told me I'll never amount to anything, it would be downright eerie.
Oh, listen, you must be exhausted - from all that alienating.
- Okay.
Why don't you sit and I'll get you a cup of tea, huh? Darlene, can you join me? Darlene while you're in there, try to talk him out of the beard.
It makes him look like a Bolshevik.
[Sniffs.]
This couch smells.
DARLENE: Thank you! Holy crap.
I thought you were exaggerating for effect.
If anything, you downplayed her.
Yeah.
Here.
I gotta go.
What? Don't you dare leave me alone with her.
It's the hardware store.
What about the hardware store? I have jury duty.
Look, I get it, you don't want to be around your mom, but you know what? She's your mom, not mine, so get your ass in there.
No.
Look.
I am still processing all of this, okay? And not surprisingly, my mom is not gonna be a lot of comfort.
So, I'm gonna drive by our old house and try to drudge up some good memories.
Here.
Just get a few glasses in her.
She's actually fun if she's been drinking.
- Really? - No.
Stop making me lie.
Are you sure you're gonna be okay if I leave early? Becky and I are having movie night.
Oh, wow.
Look at you, having specially named nights with Becky at the house.
What's all that about, huh? We're hanging out with the baby.
Last night we had a nice time watching TV.
"Nice time.
" Gotcha.
So, uh what did you do last night? We made some pizza rolls.
Okay, okay.
"Pizza rolls.
" Yeah.
Did you both reach for one at the same time 'cause you were just both so "hungry"? Why are you making everything dirty? Because you kids belong together and you're finally taking this to the next level.
I think so, too.
Well, then, you need to make a move, man.
Well, what kind of moves are you talking about? Well, next time, you watch something scary so then maybe she'll take your hand or cuddle up next to you.
- Ahhh.
- Ah.
There's this documentary out about a daughter who brutally murders her mother.
Uh, well, no, maybe not that one.
That's more of a "feel good" thing.
and, you know, when Ben was three, he used to go everywhere in his little Batman mask.
But that was all, because he hated to wear clothes.
It didn't matter where.
He'd strip down in banks, supermarkets, church.
[Chuckles.]
He always looked like a tiny, naked Mexican wrestler.
- [Laughs.]
- Well, he hasn't outgrown that.
The second we're alone in the house, the clothes come off and it's [deep voice.]
"I'm Batman.
" [Laughs.]
You know, you are so easy to talk to.
I understand why Ben's never been happier.
[Normal voice.]
Oh.
Same here.
Well, that's how it should be.
I always wished Ben's dad had been a little more fun.
Oh, here's something that I kept from No, I can't talk about that.
[Laughs.]
Oh.
Well, you've known me for several hours.
- You can tell me anything.
- [Laughs.]
Okay.
I once sent sexy e-mails to my first boyfriend through the Classmates website.
Oh.
Well, we've all got stuff.
One time I had a few drinks, - and I sent a sexy e-mail to Barack Obama.
- [Laughs.]
Next thing I know, there's two guys in black suits with earpieces at my door.
[Laughs.]
Well, I went to the mall and tried on Spanx, and then breezed past the security guard looking three pounds lighter.
[Both laugh.]
Oh, and Ben's dad isn't his real father.
What? I had a fling.
Ben doesn't know about it, and Nate was humiliated, so I promised not to tell.
Well, there's no point in going on.
I think you won.
[Laughs.]
I just want to check if the coast is clear.
Is Bizarro Bev still in the house? No.
She went on a walk after casually mentioning that Ben's dad is not his real dad and Ben doesn't know.
Oh, wow.
That's a good one.
Well, good luck with that.
Come on, Jackie.
Look, I feel like Ben deserves to know the real reason that his father was so distant, but finding out now that both his parents lied to him his entire life - could screw him up even worse.
- [Sighs.]
What am I supposed to do? Make her tell him.
She's the one who was sleeping around, the Easy Ethel.
You know what? I'm not gonna tell him.
If she doesn't want to deal with it, maybe it's better that he just doesn't know.
He's already come to terms with the fact that his father was distant.
Yeah.
Sometimes the truth only makes things harder.
You remember how devastated I was when I found out that my mother was you know [voice catches.]
actually my real mother.
[Suspenseful music plays on television.]
This documentary's freaking me out.
- It's scary, isn't it? - Ooh.
Listen to the music.
They're definitely gonna find the mom's body in here.
It's body-finding music.
Oh, oh.
Don't open the freezer! Oh, my [Gasps.]
[Music continues.]
What are you doing? I thought maybe you wanted me to.
Why would you think that? Because we were spending more time together.
And we were having so much fun watching those kids murder their parents.
I just thought maybe you were starting to look at me in a different way.
Oh.
No.
I'm happy that we're sharing our crazy crap that we're going through, but you're dating.
I thought you moved on.
This isn't a date.
Why not? We have such a good time together.
A-A-And you're not meeting anybody great, and I'm not meeting anybody great.
We're married, we have a baby together.
We should be dating.
I like hanging out with you as a friend.
Maybe I'm selfish.
I'm sorry if I'm sending the wrong signals.
I don't want to be a friend.
Okay, then think of me as as a sister.
A sister that you had a baby with.
- I think I should go.
- No, you don't have to go.
Yeah, I do.
And just so you know, once I go back to dating, I'm gonna be snapped up quick.
Married, undocumented, short-order cooks do not grow on trees.
Yeah, you think I'm the only desperate, middle-aged alcoholic out there that would find you attractive? This is Lanford.
You can't swing a handle of vodka without hitting one of us.
[Chuckles.]
I'll see you tomorrow.
[Door opens.]
Hey.
I didn't hear you come in.
Uh, your mom's probably on her way back from her walk.
I think if we're quiet, we can hear the cloven hooves on the sidewalk.
[Can opens.]
She's not taking a walk.
She's heading back to Florida.
- What? - Yep.
But true to her half-assed parenting style, she left a note saying that she told you some very important and upsetting news, and that since the cat's out of the bag, she had to leave.
So go.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
Here it is.
You were born in prison.
You're a prison baby.
What? My mom was in prison? Why? She jacked a car.
She's a car jacker.
[Door opens.]
Mom.
I'm sorry.
I-I shouldn't have left.
I want you to know I feel terrible.
Oh, boy.
Look, it was a long time ago.
You were desperate and needed money probably.
No.
I did not charge him a cent, and I was not desperate.
I was young, I was beautiful, and he had a couple of eight balls and the first Boston album.
W-What are you talking about? Well, that's when I got pregnant.
I should've told you Nate wasn't your real father a long time ago.
Oh, my God.
Nate's not his father? This is terrible news after learning that your mom's a coke head and you were born in prison.
This is too much for one day.
You know what? You should leave or I should leave, because one of us is gonna pass out.
So, wait.
Dad wasn't my father? [Scoffs.]
Didn't Darlene tell you? I got pregnant by another man and Nate agreed to raise you as his own.
So Nate knew? So, who is my real father? He died a long time ago.
I-I came back because I knew you would have a lot of questions that needed answering if you were going to move on from this.
I do.
What was my real dad's name? - Richard something.
- Oh.
Where was he from? What did he like? Uh, what did he do for a living? Look, all I know is he lived someplace cold because he had a heavy jacket.
So, all you know about my real dad is that he had a heavy jacket? It was one night.
What's important is that you understand that Nate found out I cheated on him and he was mad at me, but he took it out on you.
I'm sorry.
Y-Y Do you have any idea how much this screwed me up? You let me go my whole life thinking that my dad hated me, that I was some kind of huge disappointment to him.
Well, now, it was not your whole life.
You're not dead yet.
If your life continues exactly as it is from this point on, then we will all know it was not my fault.
Okay, I've got to go.
My cab is here.
Love ya, Mom.
Thank you.
We don't say it enough.
Well, at least now I kinda understand why my dad treated me like crap.
Every time he looked at me, he saw some jackass my mom banged and hated me for it.
Man, you were only a kid.
He should have never taken it out on you.
I mean, I treat Darlene like she's my own.
If only.
All right.
We're here to say goodbye to Nate.
Dad, thanks for always putting food on the table, and thanks for at least never calling me a bastard.
Mm.
- To Nate.
- [Bottles clink.]
And to dead Richard with the heavy coat.
One day, I'll figure out who you were.
To dead Richard with the heavy coat.
- Clink.
- [Bottles clink.]
There is one saving grace.
I've got a family here.
[Laughs.]
Thank you, boy, but you ain't family yet.
You grab Miss Darlene-Sue here and make of her an honest woman, and I'll be your Pappy, teach you how to run hooch.
[Laughs.]