The Durrells (2016) s03e07 Episode Script

Idiot vegetarians.
What's wrong with a mouthful of dead flesh? Why not just give Gerry some raw vegetables? That'll cure him.
He needs protein to grow.
Any news from Daphne? Where is she? Yes.
She's in Athens, while she can still get her belly on a ferry.
I give you Henry Miller, America's greatest living writer.
- You met in London.
- Henry.
Nice to see you with your clothes on.
Louisa.
So this book of yours, Tropic of Cancer, must be really filthy if you can only publish it in Paris.
- Well, America is a carnival of prudes.
- Mm-hm.
- A carnival of prunes? - We do need a standard of decency.
- Why? What are you scared of? - Spiders.
And incontinence.
I'm a policeman.
We're scared of nothing, except not getting our man.
You're so conservative and apathetic.
Greece's government is more fascistic by the day.
Our freedoms are under attack.
- You're only saying that because Henry's here.
- Normally he only talks about food and girls.
Well, moving on.
- Has anyone seen Spiros? - No.
He must be so sad without his wife and children.
I've heard he's stopped working.
I really miss him.
At least it seems he's staying on Corfu.
So this guy Spiros, could he and your mom have a future together? We don't allow ourselves to think about that.
Thanks, Louisa.
It was quite the feast.
Gonna grab a moonlight swim.
- He didn't take his swimming costume.
- Henry swims naked.
And usually writes naked.
He likes to be naked.
I may join him, and leave you all to be mimsy.
Larry, you may feel 'radical', - but we are a respectable family living in a nice, conservative country.
- Well And if anything embarrassing happens, I will hold you personally responsible.
Is your family friend Sven Lundblad? Yes.
What about him? I hear they want to arrest him and his man friend.
Oh, no.
Why? Well, neighbours complained.
They are homosexual.
Well, not the neighbours.
- They're not hurting anyone.
- The superintendent has orders from the government.
Do you ever think about a man? - No.
- Ah.
- Still seems like a mad thing to want to do.
- Hmm.
Which word's sexier, "lubricious" or "tumid"? Think I'll go with "whore-mongering".
Thank you for keeping Henry at a safe distance.
Well, I don't want to kill Lugaretzia.
At least not in that way.
Gerry! Lunch! Your rabbit food is in the kitchen.
It's actually a rather flavoursome fricassee.
He's gone.
There's too much cooking.
- How can we stop Gerry being a vegetarian? - Make him cook his own food.
Now, that is a brilliant idea.
- Ah, Leslie.
There's lunch indoors, darling.
- Thanks.
There's a worrying rumour down at the station.
The government's outlawing reading and thinking? - And farting? - Oh, for God's sake.
They've got their eye on Sven and Viggo.
- What? - They've been seen together.
Well, tell your colleagues that sexuality is a buffet, not a set menu.
- I'm not gonna say that to a bunch of Greek coppers, am I! - Why not?! Sven! Lawrence Durrell.
It's a rare pleasure.
I've been told I can be rather annoying, so I ration my public appearances.
- How are the goats? - Oh, they're goaty.
Hm.
Ask a silly question Look, I hate this but Constable Leslie, Corfu's finest, says you and Viggo are under scrutiny.
Thank you.
I was waiting for this.
What are you going to do? I'll send Viggo away for a while.
- And you? - Well, I have dependents.
Oh, we can look after the goats.
How hard can it be? Feed them some grass, the odd pep talk.
No, I'm staying.
This fascist regime, they can go to hell.
Good man.
Let's be hopeful.
You know Greece.
The talking runs way ahead of the doing.
I hope Spiros doesn't mind us visiting.
We should've brought him some honey.
We just called to say hello.
Hello.
Come back when my house looks better.
- We've never been here.
It's exciting.
- No.
Ah! Well I'll start washing up.
- Ugh! - Please, don't.
We were worried about you, Spiros.
- Have you heard from your wife? - No.
Did something die in here? This is as bad as our house when Mother went away.
Like you, I'm used to being looked after.
- So you're not working.
- My car is broken.
The brakes.
I can't afford to fix them.
- I'll lend you the money.
- No.
- Yes.
You've helped us so much.
- You don't have money either.
- No, but we do have a bank loan until my aunt's legacy arrives.
Erm I don't know if you want this photograph of your wife and children up.
Good.
It's already looking tidier.
Really, really bad smell.
It stinks.
It turns out the policeman was using his truncheon to make the holes in the cheese.
Take care of those.
We may not like it, but I have orders to make a stand against decadence.
If you want to keep your job here, you will go and arrest Sven Lundblad.
Now.
- He's getting nearer.
- Hm.
You sort of get used to it after a while.
No, I still find it quite unsettling.
Well, good.
Henry and I need books on the law and history of radicalism and how to combat fascism.
- I'm afraid that's not a strong area for me in literature.
- Yes, I know.
- The countess you worked for, I need to use her library.
- You can't.
She's had a relapse.
She's a recluse again.
- I want to borrow her books, not take her to a barn dance.
- She's fragile.
She won't have anyone in her house.
Anyway, if this is about Sven, who'd arrest him? He's so nice.
I can't do this.
Will you? No.
People laugh when I try to arrest them.
It is my face.
Sven, I'm afraid you and Viggo need to come with us to the station.
The police station.
Just to be clear.
Et tu, Leslie? If that's a Swedish swear word, I'll forgive you under the circumstances.
Viggo has already left the country.
We're happy to wait while you gather anything you need.
I-I'll do everything I can to make your stay a comfortable one.
Go on, surprise me by drying up.
- Oh, Gerry.
We need a chat.
- Oh, God.
About you being a vegetarian.
- Are you planning to join me? - No.
I'm not making two meals any more, so after tomorrow you'll have to cook your own.
- What?! - And you need nutrition, so two proper cooked meals, supper and lunch.
Mmmm.
Look at the meatballs.
Your favourite.
As enjoyed by billions of people with no ill effects.
- Couldn't you make a stand?! - What do you expect me to do? Walk away from a job I love? Love a job that involves you arresting Sven just because he's attracted to another man? - Oh, Leslie! - It was an order! I've no doubt justice will be done and he'll be released! I do have doubts, and principles I live by, and "I'm just obeying orders" isn't one of them! It's illegal! You live here! Get the law changed! Yes, I heard about poor Sven.
Homosexuality has always been taboo here, but tolerated.
This is new territory.
So what will happen? They may cloak his so-called offence in a charge such as gross indecency.
Oh, tell Gerry I'm incubating a new batch of parasitic copepods.
I'm sorry.
It's not just Sven.
It's Spiros.
Since his wife took his children away, he's barely left his house.
- It's like wolves have moved in.
- I can imagine.
And of course he's too proud to ask for help.
- What can I do? - Well, family is at the heart of life here, so if we could enlist a relative of his to keep an eye on him.
His uncle Leonidas is a wise old bird.
He works at the town hall.
Go and have a word with him.
Thank you, Theo.
I'm sorry I don't share your enthusiasm for your coaty-pegs.
Copepods.
Yes, you're not alone.
I'm a big embarrassment to my parents.
So, the two men on the island you love the most need rescuing.
Thank you so much for meeting me.
I wouldn't usually get involved, but we've never seen Spiros like this.
Thank you for your worry, Mrs Durrells.
It's one of my specialities.
To bring order and good cheer, I will perhaps move in with him for a while.
Perfect! - Would your wife be happy with that? - Yes, she will be happy if she notices I have gone.
And I shouldn't ask but do you think his wife will come back? I don't know.
I hope.
Oh, gosh.
Me too.
No, really.
Oh! Hello.
- Mrs Durrells.
- Spiros.
I apologise, for when you visited, for being a What is it? A bear with a forehead.
A bear with a sore head.
Yes.
That makes more sense.
Please.
Look at us, sitting at a bar in the middle of the day.
Good.
Isn't it? You know, I wouldn't do this with anyone else but you.
Thank you.
I'm going to say a bad thing.
Well, go on, then.
When you're here with me, I miss my children more than my wife.
I insist you let us see Mr Lundblad.
Out of the question.
Well, just explain why he's in a cell.
He is suspected of immoral behaviour.
- Define "immoral behaviour".
- I cannot.
Hah! You do it.
In Greek.
Aw, come on, man.
Why are you doing this? He's lived here for years.
His goats are magnificent.
My superiors want to see disreputable acts punished.
Hey, Les.
Get us in to see our man.
Please.
If it's any consolation, this is no worse than Spiros' accommodation.
- How did YOU get in?! - We've been scrapping it out for half an hour.
Sometimes you get better results by arriving politely -- and with a picnic.
Did the suffragettes win the vote by having a picnic (?) Hello.
Oh.
Sorry, Sven.
Hello.
- Didn't they chain themselves to things? - Yes.
And threw themselves in front of the king's horse.
- And went on hunger strike.
- Oh, well.
Start tomorrow.
- This is serious! - Yes, I know it is.
Please.
Very grateful, but no big fuss.
I just want to keep on living here as a goat farmer, not as a cause celebre.
- I'm afraid this isn't just about you.
- Oh? Who is it about? You, proving what a zealot you are? No, it's about making a stand against bigotry and prejudice and -- Hey.
Cool it, bud.
Let's Let's all have a scone.
Er They're actually for me, as I'm in sort of a prison cell.
- Ah.
- Oh, yeah.
Poor Sven.
Why do people get so het up about homosexuality? We love to be offended.
It's one of the ignoble pleasures.
If people knew how common it is.
At school we all did it.
- Did you? - Well, it was that or geography prep.
- It's all in my novels.
- I thought you made that up.
- Good evening, Louisa.
- Basil! What the hell are you doing here? A last-minute whim.
Just a hop and a skip from Lytchett Minster.
Well, cab, train, ferry, train train, train, bus, ferry cart.
Well, I suppose you'd better come in.
- You met Larry and Henry Miller in London.
- Oh, yes indeed.
I've looked you up since.
You write hugely dirty books.
Basil is my second cousin.
He's dealing with Aunt Hermione's will.
Where there's a will there's a wage.
- Did I do that one last time? - Yes, you did.
- Oh, God.
There's not a problem with the estate, is there? - No.
Just a few loose ends.
Like a beginner's cardigan.
- Might I stay for a few days? - Yes, of course.
Er, please.
You'll forgive us if we're a bit glum.
A friend of ours has been arrested.
Oh, dear.
What for? Scrumping? Ate a swan? Smoked in church? He's queer.
Righty-ho.
There's no legal basis for jailing him.
It's all tilting at windmills.
We need to get hold of law books from the countess's library.
Well, don't do anything crazy.
"No-one may suffer for his beliefs, even religious ones, provided their manifestation does not trouble the public order.
" Bravo, you Frenchies.
Stop! Had a tour of the garden.
Or should I say the zoo? They're not native to Corfu, are they? No.
He's from Central America.
Hello.
Pleased to meet you.
Oh, good.
Rapport established.
Er, let me take care of that, sir.
To make up for you having to deal with my family yesterday.
Spiros! Uncle Leonidas! Is everything all right? - Ah - God in heaven! ~ - Mrs Durrells! - Hello.
We are taking it easy today.
Well, I wouldn't say you've brought order to the house.
No, but I've remembered how to have a good time.
- Yamas! - Yamas.
- Could I just have a? It's none of my business but I really think you should ask your uncle to leave.
But I hear it was you who asked him to come.
Yes, all right.
Because I care about you.
Hey, have a beer! I don't want a beer.
Get back to the town hall.
My wife, she's right.
I'm selfish.
No! Without you, we wouldn't have survived a week on this wonderful island.
Why did I help you? Selfish, again .
.
because I love you.
All of you.
Oh.
Well Perhaps because your family get things wrong too, like me.
Well, my family and I are going to help you become the old Spiros again, whether you like it or not in between sorting out all our other problems.
Did you see the intruder's face? No, I did not.
Oh, dear.
Well, he's a silly boy, that's who he is, with a slightly peculiar line in swag.
Think nothing more of it.
- You must be very distressed.
- No.
It rather perked me up.
Oh! "Perked me up.
" Well, I'll be on my way.
You might want to put sturdier locks on those windows.
Or, my advice, get rid of the books and use the room for ping-pong.
I know who did it, of course.
- Oh? - Your brother, Lawrence.
You may write that down.
If you had been here, you may have had better luck shooting him.
Yes.
Well, rest assured your complaint will be taken very seriously.
Delicious cooking, Gerry.
Could you cook for me tomorrow? What? No! - How did you get that lovely crisping? - Interestingly, I Anyway, we need to talk about how we can get Sven released.
Yeah.
And no more criticism about arresting Sven.
I helped an old woman today find her cat.
I don't hear any of you congratulating me on that.
- Great work.
- Well done.
- Thank you.
Basil, you're a lawyer.
Surely you can help.
You'd think, but my field is wills and probate.
For example, I'd be hugely helpful if Sven dies in custody.
So, Bas, remind us why you're here.
Er yeah.
Well, you know.
No.
Aunt Hermione spoke so glowingly about Corfu.
The fireflies, the people, the traditional headscarves.
How could I not visit? Louisa.
You need to tell me what's going on.
Gosh.
In a sense, who knows? No.
Now, stop that.
There maybe a sliver of a problem with your legacy.
And what might that problem be? The value may be less than you hoped.
I hate to sound greedy, but why aren't you in England ensuring that it isn't less? And be eviscerated by your cousin Prue if it's bad news? I'd rather be by a beach a thousand miles away.
It's out of my hands.
I am awaiting a telegram from the bank boffins.
Meanwhile let's eat, drink and be merry-ish, shall we? Oh, the postman left you a telegram.
Ah.
I'm here to join the legal team.
Oh! I feel overdressed.
I cannot do a friendly face.
Roger.
Gerry.
Lugaretzia.
Roger.
- Hello, Spiros.
- ~ He cook, I clean.
We were disorganised last time.
Now we know what we're doing.
Let's hope Leslie doesn't arrest you for wearing his funeral suit.
I feel like a lawyer.
Half shark, half weasel.
Don't tell Gerry or he'll want one.
Before we rush into the police station, I should talk you through Greek psychology as regards homosexuality.
Do it on the way, or we'll turn up and find they've knocked off for a beer.
Shouldn't he come too? He's the only one of us who is actually a lawyer.
We are here to formally challenge the detention of Sven Lundblad! Who is held on these premises without legally valid charge.
In contravention of international law.
We're smelling bullshit.
Absolutely.
And I speak as a qualified solicitor.
Sorry, I've left my business card in my long trousers.
You are flouting the doctrine of habeas corpus, as enshrined here! - Let the alleged fruit go -- he's a great guy -- and we'll say nothing more about it.
- Hmph! I seem to have left my key at home.
One day, when the world has grown up a little, you'll think of what you did to people like Sven and anyone who's different and it'll be you who's embarrassed.
- Well, you tried.
- The chains were a nice idea.
Wouldn't they have just left you there for the night? I've never been more embarrassed in my life.
I'm er sorry to add more drama to a busy day, but I've had word from the relevant moneybags about Aunt Hermione's financial affairs.
Oh, God, it's like Agatha Christie.
When she died, her wealth was considerable .
.
were it not for my investment on her behalf in a syndicate of Lloyds of London who insured the Crystal Palace which burnt down last December.
Who'd have thought metal and glass could burn that fiercely and expensively? So I'm afraid Auntie's money is all lost.
I do apologise.
How will we pay our debts? That's capitalism for you.
Oh, shut up.
The blissful ignorance of youth.
He doesn't know he's born.
- What is wrong? - Money, Lugaretzia, as ever.
And Sven, mouldering away in prison.
Oh, God.
I must feed his goats.
Well, it's a new day.
One of us is looking lovely.
After your son's lunatic behaviour yesterday, you cannot see Sven Lundblad.
I don't want to see him.
I want to see you.
To tell you the truth about Sven.
I'm not sure if you're aware, but Sven and I were very nearly married.
- And you did not marry because you find he is a homosexual? - No.
No, I did not find that.
Throughout our relationship, Sven was .
.
how can I put this? .
.
very physical.
- In bed.
- Er, yes, I understand.
Hands all over me, like a swashbuckling octopus.
So why did you not marry him? Because he's a goatherd.
I'm not proud to say that, when the moment came, the English snob in me couldn't go through with it.
And he's Swedish, of course.
I'd always prefer a Greek man.
- That's understandable.
- Well, yes, it is, isn't it? I don't like that we have to arrest people for this, but I'm obeying orders.
Although you do seem to me .
.
like a man who makes his own decisions.
Perhaps we could test it.
Over a drink? Very well.
I can report that the allegations of homosexuality are unfounded, and I will release Sven.
Oh.
Hello.
There you are.
Hello.
Yassou.
What's the news of Countess Mavrodaki and the stolen books? Oh.
Oh, yes.
She didn't see the thief.
She said she did.
Yes, but not his face.
She may have made the whole thing up.
Lonely old woman, fancies a visit from a handsome policeman, hm? I mean, who'd want to steal old law books? Wait.
Are you sure about that? Yes.
Right! I'll have the key brought from my house when you let Sven go.
Can I help my friend? That's obviously not quite how I planned this.
Well, I think I've made my point.
Agh! Morning, Spiros.
It's my shift.
I've come because Mother said you need cheering up.
So all the more reason to share my philosophy of life with you.
It means a lot to me that you did that.
Thank you.
Well, clearly I need to work on my grand gestures.
- How come you're out? - Apparently I'm cured.
Spiros.
Happened to be passing by.
Where are you going, Spiros? For a drive.
I hear you've released Sven.
Thank you.
- And your brother Larry was here again.
- Oh? Why? Guilty conscience about stealing the books from the Villa Mavrodaki.
Hah! Family.
Your brother stole the books? - No.
- No.
You know how serious it is if a policeman tries to bury a crime? - Yes.
- So let me give you another chance.
Did your brother commit a theft? No, he didn't.
Then you know what will happen.
Yes, and I'm resigning.
- Do you want to hold Frank? - No.
Thank you.
Oh, Leslie I'm so sorry.
I know you loved that job.
But I'm very proud of you, and really glad I won't have to visit Larry in a cell.
By the way, if the superintendent calls to ask me for a drink, I've moved to Albania.
- I've made a terrible mistake.
- No, you haven't.
- I have.
- And I keep making them.
- No.
Well, yes, but not this time.
- Thanks, Leslie.
- It's fine.
I'm very grateful.
This whole thing has all been about men loving men and I'm trying to say that .
.
you're wrong about most things, but I love you too.
Though not in that way.
And not all the time.
Well, some good news.
It has been pointed out to me by your cousin Prue, who has a I've interrupted something, haven't I? Anyway, blunder on.
She points out that specific .
.
specific bequests made by your aunt are not subject to reclaim by indebted parties.
So these items left to you are yours.
"One shed with lawnmower, a beach hut in Lyme Regis, two boxes of coronation mugs" I won't go on, but you could sell all this and pay off your debts, so you're back to square one.
Well, maybe it's not so bad.
Sven can live his life with Viggo.
- If they don't mind skulking around.
- Well, yes.
Gerry's lost his battle with meatballs.
And you and Leslie are talking again.
And do you know what? I'm pleased you're not a policeman any more.
- Me too.
- Horrible job.
You won't be saying that if we're ever burgled.
So, there's just the five of us, unburdened by money.
What's Henry's phrase? "I have no money, no resources, no hopes.
I am the happiest man alive.
" Mm.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Please.
I thought you might be here because Athens is over there.
No, it's over there.
Can you see it? - No.
- It's 300 miles away.
You have to use your imagination.
I hope you fixed your brakes.
Not yet.
Let's live dangerously.
Thank you for sending me your team of helpers.
Did it help? Yes.
It drove me out of the house.
Is it time I stop moping? Yes.
It's my turn to be selfish.
I feel lost without you.
Well .
.
I'm back.
We are in a travelling circus.
I'm a contortionist.
Please be my girlfriend.
We must go! Spiros and I will drum up business.
What did I do to deserve this? There is love, and there is family.
Sometimes you cannot have both.
I know what your question is: Will I find love soon? I can tick that off the list.