The Goldbergs s03e07 Episode Script

If you were a girl growing up in the '80s, the pajama party was a night of epic adventure.
Okay, listen up.
This next decision is, like, super important.
Okay.
Do we watch "Adventures In Babysitting," "Pretty In Pink," or "Troop Beverly Hills"? "Troop Beverly Hills"! I was hoping you'd say that! Shelley Long has a black belt in shopping! It's very funny to me.
Oh, my god.
This is so fun.
I love you all so much! Come on down it's cookie time it's cookie time "Troop Beverly Hills" was the ultimate girl cult movie.
It had it all songs, shopping, and Shelley Long.
It's cookie time it's cookie time My mom loved it, too, because the girls were still young enough to let her join the troop.
And even though Erica and her gal pals got older and cooler, they never left their favorite tradition behind.
Just heard Mark McGonagle's throwing a rager Saturday night.
He lets the girls do keg stands first.
He's such a gentleman.
Or we do our annual pajama party, Make s'Mores, and recite every word of "Troop Beverly Hills.
" Ugh, so lame.
You know you're dying to do it.
I am.
Yay! Oh, my god, this is gonna be so fun! Oh, my god, this is gonna be so fun! No! Take off the mom pajamas and stop doing what you're doing.
Please let me be your Shelley Long! We'll call it "Troop Beverly," just like in the old days.
That's when we were too young to know how unbearably annoying you were.
No offense taken.
But come on.
Your pajama parties are the only reminder I have of when you were happy, tiny girls and not godforsaken teenage monsters.
Look at me, Mom! There is no troop Beverly anymore.
End of story.
Dude, did you hear that? Your sister's having her hot friends over for a lingerie party.
Pretty sure I heard "pajama".
Bet they're gonna have pillow fights, tickle fights, and other fights we can't even imagine! Easy, Dave Kim.
That's my sister.
We can hide your video camera when they're having their party.
Yes! Oh, my god! Again, that's my sister.
Dude, this is our one chance to peek behind the curtain and gain insight into young womanhood.
Well, on one hand, it's an unforgivable invasion of privacy.
O- the other hand, girls are a perplexing mystery, and filming them for education purposes could provide some helpful insight.
Let's do it! Yes! Aw, man! We're gonna be the coolest guys in school! We were not.
It was November 11th, 1980-something, and Barry and Pops just discovered Willow Grove mall had a new store.
Holy crap, puppies! They're so Fluffy and adorable! They're like the kittens of dogs! Look! That one's falling asleep while standing up.
I've done that.
Oh, not so fast.
Look, I don't want to sound like your father, but you can't go in there.
You're deathly allergic to dogs.
Ugh! Why?! I know, it's rough.
But I'll be at your side in solidarity.
Oooh .
That fuzzy one just sneezed.
I'll see you in 10.
My brother's violent dog allergy had always been a source of great frustration.
But that day, the lure of cute, cuddly puppies was too much for Barry.
There's nothing to worry about.
This thin mesh barrier will protect me.
But as Barry stared down into that pit of adorableness, he lost his balance and tumbled into furry danger.
Oh, god, no! Not puppies! Hold your breath, Barry! I'm gonna I'm gonna die! They're so cute, but deadly! They're gonna kill me! Uh Kiddo, y-you seem totally fine.
You're right.
I am! Get on in here, you! I'm the puppy king! Dad! You won't believe it.
I'm alive! I'm actually alive! Ask your mother.
I spent the entire afternoon in a puppy pit cheating death.
You always said the reason we can't get a dog is 'cause of me.
Forget what happened in the puppy pit.
That was a fluke.
You are crazy allergic to dogs.
Wrong! My insanely strong immune system has grown so powerful that I'm no longer allergic to anything on earth.
No.
Stop.
Don't think that.
It's the truth! I'll go outside right now and roll in poison oak.
You'll see.
I made it up, okay? You're not allergic to dogs.
What?! The only reason I said that is because when you were a kid, you asked for one every damn day! Do you realize you've denied me the sidekick I've always longed for? I'm okay with that.
Do you know how many times I had to play Frisbee by myself? How many times I got caught in a well? Look, I got enough ungrateful kids around here to take care of.
The last thing I need is an ungrateful animal to take care of.
Get me a dog.
No.
Get me a dog! No! I'm gonna keep saying it until I get the four-legged friend I deserve! Give me a dog! No! Stop asking.
It's not gonna happen.
Give me a dog.
No.
Give me a dog.
No.
Give me a dog.
No.
Give me a dog.
No.
Give me a dog.
No.
Give me a dog.
No.
Give me a dog.
No.
Give me a dog.
No.
Give me a dog.
No.
Give me a dog.
No.
Give me a dog.
No.
Give me a dog.
No.
Give me a dog.
No.
Give me a dog.
Fine! But if I say yes, promise me you'll take care of it.
It's your dog.
Yes! Now I'm not the only one in the house who has to take his pill in cheese! While Barry finally got his wish for a dog, me and my crew were getting our greatest wish.
Thanks to cutting-edge VHS technology, we would learn the secrets of womanhood.
Okay.
I just snuck a cable from the bedroom to the basement.
Fingers crossed, boys.
Oh! Yes! Okay, enough! Silence! Dave Kim needs to focus.
It's happening.
Today we learn the secrets of womanhood.
This is the best moment of my life.
I love you guys.
We're the girls from Beverly Hills 1, 2, 3, 4 shopping is our greatest skill What the hell? They're just watching a dumb movie.
Come of age already, damn it! Hit each other with pillows! Okay, who wants pizza ro oh, my god! What is happening here?! Okay, I can totally explain this.
Run! You're grounded, Adam! And I'm calling your mothers! Oooh! Pbht! In that moment, my mother realized she had found a way into Erica's pajama party, and into her life.
Oooh I'll just watch for a little bit.
And she couldn't resist.
Should I do a loose crimp or a tighter, more intense one? Tight crimp.
Tight crimp.
Loose.
Yeah, no, wh-whatever.
Loose is good.
That night, my mom had the time of her life being a secret member of Erica's troop.
three different girls, and then he broke up with Heather.
Heather G.
or Heather S.
? Hello, principal ball.
This is your butt doctor calling.
We found a problem.
Your head was up there.
Tell him he's bald! So, if you add a white line across the top, it's a French manicure.
Well, don't I just look like Zsa Zsa Gábor.
Shi-shi froufrou.
Um Erica? What's that? Oh Someone's dead! Ow.
Fudgy, fudgy, fudge! Fudgy, fudge Are you spying on our pajama party?! Before you say anything, I got to know, is it Heather G.
or Heather S.
? I don't even know what to say! You have never, ever stooped so low! I have.
You just haven't caught me.
Shut up and listen.
I've narrowed down the exact breed of dog that best matches my personality and lifestyle.
Good morning to you, too.
Our dog will either be the kind that looks like a sheep - Sheepdog - A Cujo - Book, not a breed - A McGruff That's a cartoon crime dog.
or a bear crossed with a poodle.
Not possible.
Surprise, surprise! Look who's back from the dog pound! Whoa, whoa, wait! You got a dog without me? It better be a grizzly-poodle.
Seriously.
If it's not a Grizzoodle, I don't want it.
It's this thing.
Erica, come see how sweet and not awful I am! He's perfect! He is a she, and you owe me 8 bucks for shots and gas.
Okay, okay.
She needs a name.
From this point on, this animal will only be known as Jean Dog Van Damme.
No, wait! Arnold Schwarzendogger.
No, wait! Dogvester Stallone.
No, wait! Lucky.
Erica, come meet Lucky.
It's a perfect name, 'cause she's so lucky to live with a family that's so loving and forgiving.
Getting a dog doesn't change my mind that you're a garbage mom.
But that doesn't mean I can't give this sweetie Petey some lovey wubbies! Yes, I will! Yes, I will! Everyone's happy but me.
Seems right.
And so Barry finally got his doggy sidekick.
Or so he thought.
There you are, girl! Come on! It's time to train! I thought we'd skip "sit" and go to the important stuff, like how to grind some rails and solve crimes.
Will you be quiet? I'm trying to watch the game.
Just take the thing and go.
Whoa! Easy, girl.
Maybe you should just give her a little space.
Please.
Does that look like the face of a dog who doesn't utterly worship her master? Yeah, yeah.
He's a moron.
Just settle down.
Ooh.
That's nice and toasty.
You know, she's clearly tired.
Get some rest, lucky.
I'll teach you how to karate chop a board with your paws tomorrow.
Toasty.
As my dad warmed up to the dog, Erica pulled out the big guns and gave my mom the cold shoulder.
There's favorite daughter.
How was school, squishy? Oh, now it's the silent treatment, huh? Fine.
I'll wait for you to come around.
Okay, look, I know what I did was wrong, but I had no choice.
You completely cut me out of your life! Invasive spy cams are all I got.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
You forgive me right now and let me hug your body or you're grounded.
Okay.
Now I'll talk.
If anyone here is grounded, it's you.
You can't ground me, I'm your mother.
I just did.
You're grounded from my life.
You're not allowed to participate in it ever again.
You know what, I've had enough.
You want me out of your life? You got it.
We'll see how you do without me for a week.
You know that isn't a punishment, right? Oh, we'll see.
And when you come crawling back, begging for your mother's help and guidance, we both know what'll happen then.
You'll scoop me up in your arms.
And smother you with kisses! Deal with that, sucka! Wasn't like my dad to want a dog Until he met the dog that was just like him.
What the hell is lucky wearing? Did you make my dog an Eagles jersey? Sure did.
You put effort into something? Can you believe it?! And look what I put on the back.
Instead of Jaworski, I put "Paworski.
" 'Cause it has paws.
Because it's a dog.
Not cool! Dad's turned the dog against me! This was my dream, and Dude, what do you got there? I'm making a dog puppet arm for when lucky needs to grab stuff in my home movies.
I'm gonna make "Turner & Hooch," but watchable.
You can't direct lucky.
Your terrible changing voice will hurt her sensitive dog ears.
Besides, I can't even get her away from Dad to play Frisbee with me.
This is bullcrap! Dad hasn't turned lucky against you.
The dog just listens to him 'cause he's the Alpha male.
The wha? The boss.
Numero uno.
Lucky has to follow Dad.
It's nature.
Nature is an idiot.
I'm number uno.
In lucky's eyes, you're ranked number four in this family.
No way! Clearly Dad's one.
Pops is an elder, so that makes him two.
I have a power alliance with Pops, so that puts me at three and you at four.
Four?! That's the copper medal of the Olympics! Only one thing left to do.
I shall challenge Dad to a showdown and become the Alpha! It's okay, Barry.
Good Barry.
Good Barry.
Good Barry.
Stop! As Barry was ready to challenge my dad, Beverly was ready for Erica to admit that a few days without her were impossible.
And there it is, the one thing I know you can't resist My seven-meat meatloaf.
I knew you'd give in.
Thanks, but I'll eat at Lainey's.
Got to study for mid-terms.
Woof, must be tough not having your mom there to help you hit the books this week, huh? Actually, this week's been pretty good.
Look into your heart and tell me the truth.
No, you're right.
This week's been pretty great.
Stop.
You haven't missed my back scratches? No.
How I lay on your sheets to warm them up before bedtime? God, no.
The love notes I write you on the steamy shower door? No.
The way I suck out the pits of your olives.
No! Just admit you learned your lesson.
Life is worse without your mama.
I'm sorry, but this week has proven that I'm an adult and I can take care of myself.
I don't have all the facts, but I think this one goes in the "lost" column.
This is the worst thing to happen to me since Adam learned to walk.
My god.
I can't believe how easy it is to sneak downtown when you don't have a mom in your life.
Yeah.
Mine's been gone since I was 12.
It's the best.
So, where are the tickets? What tickets? I thought we'd buy some from a scalper.
Isn't that really, really illegal? Definitely.
Hey, dude, you got any tickets? Yeah.
10th row center.
You interested? Hells yeah we are.
Hells yeah you aren't.
Oh, no.
Oh, god.
You got I.
D.
? I do have I.
D.
Is it a fake I.
D.
? You know what, just arrest us.
This isn't gonna get any better.
As Erica sank to rock bottom, Barry was about to make his move to the top of the heap.
Murray Terrence Goldberg, I challenge you to feats of strength.
Terrence? Do you actually think that's my middle name? Silence! Prepare to engage in a wrestling match so the dog can bear witness to my true dominance.
Put on this Mexican fighting mask.
- No.
- Then take off your shirt.
I'm not gonna wrestle you with or without clothing.
Fine! Then lucky will recognize me as the Alpha after I launch heavy items into the air using pure power and brute strength.
It's slipping! No! Look away, lucky! Why isn't this working? I'm lifting with my back like you're supposed to! Okay, stop with the lifting.
Look, it's not my fault the dog hangs around me.
We just get each other.
Oh, my god.
- You love her! - I do not.
There's actual love in your heart, and you're using it for the dog.
- I do not love the dog.
- Fine.
Then you won't care if I return her.
Where's the receipt? She's family! You can't return family! Believe me, I've checked.
Fine.
Then from now on her name is Traitor.
Don't do that.
Come here, Traitor.
Do not call her Traitor.
That's a Goody-Woody little Traitor.
Don't use a baby voice to call her Traitor! Then admit you love her! You know what, we don't need this crap.
Come on, Luckster.
Let's go for a walk.
As Barry realized he'd been replaced by a dog, Erica and Lainey were realizing they were in deep trouble.
You get one phone call.
Make it count.
Yes.
One call.
No-brainer.
We're calling your mom.
No way! I told her I could live my life without her.
You're in jail.
You clearly can't.
It took me 16 years to get to this position.
I can't go back.
Well, call someone.
Hello? Hey.
Is Pops there? I'm studying, and I have a question about world war I or II or whatever one he was in.
Hold on.
Hi, sweetheart.
What's doing? I'm in major trouble and Mom will kill me, so just act normal.
Okeydokey, Smokey.
That doesn't sound normal.
That sounds crazy! Yessiree, sir, indeedy-Doo! Just don't talk.
Okeydokey Just come to the police station downtown.
I know you lost your license and will need to steal a car, but I need you.
So if you'll help, just say, "America won the war.
" America won the war! And just like that, Pops floored it to Erica's rescue.
Evening, Officer.
Pull over now.
Any idea how fast you were driving? Well, that sounds very safe.
It's not.
Can I see your license? Sure thing, Officer.
It's right down here.
Kiss my grits, porky! You're still in park.
I-in my defense, I haven't driven in two years 'Cause I have no license.
Pops, thank god you're here! I'm in really big trouble, Erica! Call your mother! My sister had set out to prove she could live life without my mom.
And she failed miserably.
Don't you two worry.
We'll be fine.
No matter what happens, we got each other's back.
Mr.
Solomon, you're free to go.
Pops out! Mom, seriously?! What about us? Yeah, do that thing where you scream and dig into the officer's personal life so much that he sets us free.
She only does that for people who want her in their life.
No silent treatment! That's my thing.
You know what she wants to hear.
Fine! I need you in my life.
She didn't hear you.
I need you in my stupid life! Gah! She wants to know if you mean it.
You're not just saying it because you're in prison.
Sure, there's that.
But you're my mom.
Of course I mean it.
There's no way I'm going to the concert now, right? She says, "god, no.
" Right.
Hey.
Mm.
Can we talk? Look, I'm no longer gonna demand you be my sidekick.
I know I'm not the Alpha or the beta.
I'm whatever comes last in the Greek letters.
I think it's Zorbo.
See, ever since I was a little boy, I wanted a dog like you.
Not 'cause you could jet-ski or break-dance or deflect grenades with your paws.
I just wanted a friend.
And I didn't have many growing up.
But I do now.
And a hot girlfriend.
So I guess I don't need you as much as I used to.
But my dad, he could use a cool friend like you.
Dude's a pretty cool guy once you get to know him.
So, we cool? Right.
You can't talk.
You can't talk, right? The dog can't talk, Barry.
Hey, that was a private conference between me and Traitor.
Look, I'm not the Alpha.
But the dog always sits right next to you.
That's because of the scraps.
There's all sorts of tasty shrapnel flying around here.
Here.
Give her a try.
Whoa! She likes me! Of course she does.
You're a likeable kid.
So, does this mean we can share the dog? I-I don't care.
Come on.
Say it.
Say you love her.
She's fine.
Say it! She's fine.
You love the dog.
I love the dog! Me too.
That day, we opened our hearts to a new family member.
And Erica opened her heart to my mom.
Smells yummy.
Since when do you bake? Just felt like cookie time.
What's all this? It's hard to say.
Even though I'm grown up and I don't need you I still do.
I always will.
After everything I did, you still bailed me out.
So, I thought I'd finally give you the pajama party that you deserve.
Oh, Honey.
So, what do you say? Troop Beverly? Troop Beverly.
And in the end it was all worth it.
Not only did my mom and sister start a new tradition, but my dad, Barry, and their new sidekick did, too.
Because that's what makes a family great.
Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah! It's not just the big moments.
It's the simple things.
Like cheering on your favorite team, roasting marshmallows, or finding out the people you've been keeping at a distance are actually the people you're closest to.
So, tell me the truth.
Was it Heather G.
or Heather S.
? Heather T.
No! Yeah.
"Luck Tin Tin," take one.
Hey, kid! Give me your money! Hey, who are you? Luck Tin Tin! Save me! Luck Tin Tin, attack! Oh, yeah! Luck Tin Tin! Pa-pow! Pow! Aah! Oh, no! No! No! No! Don't hurt me!