The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s03e07 Episode Script

( Music playing ) Now you're looking at a man that's getting kinda mad I had lots of luck but it's all been bad no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive my fishing pole's broke, the creek is full of sand my woman ran away with another man no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
- Guys.
- What?! - Come on.
- What do you mean, come on? You said pick any restaurant and you would treat us on your corporate card it's not a restaurant.
It's called Bonerz with a "z.
" - Yeah.
- They serve food, so it's a restaurant.
All right.
Is this gonna show up on my corporate card as-- - as Bonerz? - Yes.
- Yes? - Yes-- all caps.
By the way, isn't this a weird name for a strip club? What's your problem with "Bonerz"? Doesn't it make it sound kind of gay? - What? Fuck! Holy-- - No one's ever suggested that? Wow, fuck you! I'm not-- we're not gay.
It's clear as day.
You walk into a strip club and you see butt, you see breast, you see pretty girls, and you get what? - Boners.
- You get boners.
Hey, that's the end result.
Come on in.
You could have called it Boobz with a "z.
" That's just childish.
( Music playing ) This is actually very good.
I'm not gonna lie.
Uh, this is the best lunch ever, Timmy.
Hey, guys, you want a dance? Yes, I do.
How-- well, how much for dances? Okay, it's $40 a dance or $100 for the champagne room.
Ooh, champagne room all around.
- Put it on Timmy's card.
- No-no, no-no.
We're here for lunch.
We're here for the restaurant aspect.
- Oh.
Come on.
- Oh.
I'm sad.
- She thinks you're really funny.
- You think I'm funny? See? She wants to have fun.
- She thinks I'm funny.
- She does think you're funny.
Timmy, come on.
Let's get in there, man.
I can't put a lap dance on my card.
You know, Tim, you've really changed.
You're not fun anymore.
Yeah, I'm gonna agree with this guy.
- You are not fun anymore.
- They check the statements.
- Timmy, it's the champagne room.
- Yeah? In that room they serve beverages.
Beverages are technically part of lunch.
- This is totally acceptable.
- That's actually a good point.
- Yeah.
- All right, let's do this.
- That's right.
- ( Cheering ) Mmm.
Mmm.
Ooh.
Ooh.
How's my boy? - Yeah, he's doing real good.
- ( Giggling ) - Thank you for asking.
- I'm Amber, by the way.
Oh, hey, I'm Stu.
Or you can call me Stuballs or Stuart - or Baby Doc Duvall.
It doesn't-- - ( Laughs hysterically ) Doesn't really matter.
( Chuckles ) You are so funny.
Oh my God, you're my favorite.
You're my favorite person ever-- - "Ambron"-- "Amver" I've ever met.
- ( Laughs hysterically ) ( Laughs ) We have the same senses of humor.
Timmy, we are coming here every day! - ( Clicks ) - ( Light buzzes ) - Hey guys, what happened? - Lights in here, lights.
- Ugh.
- Aw.
- Who are you? - What happened? Oh, Jesus fucking Christ! - This light is not flattering for me.
- To say the least.
- Fuck you! - Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- You big pile of dogshit.
- Wow.
Buzzkill, to say the least.
You have a lot of scars.
I've been to a lot of fucking places, dude-- - Knife fight.
- Uh-huh.
- Baby.
- Yep.
Italy, melanoma, prison knife fight in Italy.
Is someone gonna do something with the music and the lights? - We're having a business luncheon here.
- ( Gunshots ) - Oh my God.
- He's got a gun, he's got a gun.
- Okay, assholes.
- Tim: Uh-oh.
Someone needs to tell me where Jenny is right now.
( Stutters ) There was a Jenny that used to work here.
- She doesn't work here anymore.
- Oh, that's Jenny - who opened up the yarn store in Chicago.
- What?! - And she had lupus.
- You're all lying to me! Everyone in the main room.
Until someone finds my Jenny for me, you're all hostages.
( Footsteps recede ) This lunch is really getting away from us.
What's this about? Why are we tied up to poles? I wanna see my girlfriend, that's all.
- It's very simple.
- Your girlfriend works here? - Yes.
Jenny.
- We told you-- Jenny has left town.
She's in Chicago.
She opened a yarn store - and she's got lupus.
- She would've told me if she moved.
- Are you sure she was your girlfriend? - Uh, yeah, I'm sure.
- Why? What did she-- - Oh, she only danced for me every single time I came in here and uh, let's see, what else? Oh, yeah, I know.
She said I was her favorite.
- What are you, 11? - You shut up, okay? Shut up! We're staying here until the police track Jenny down and bring her to me.
- Wait, what-- what's this? - A note? Hey, nasty old stripper, go read that.
Excuse me, let's at least behave like gentlemen here.
- It is a gentlemen's club.
- Yeah.
Okay.
It says, "Hey, dude, it's the police.
" Come out and chat if you want.
" "Hey, dude"? What kind of way is that to talk to me? For a guy with a palm tree on his shirt, you're surprisingly concerned with self-respect.
You, smart mouth, you're coming with me.
I knew my sarcastic quips would be the undoing of me at some point.
None of these jokes are really landing.
Okay, we're coming out, but don't try anything funny or I'm gonna shoot this motherfucker.
Wait a second, where is everybody? Hey-o.
Just you and and-- and the canine unit? It's just me.
And he's not part of the canine unit, all right? He's my dog Gus.
And he's a good boy.
- Right, Gus? - ( Barks ) We've got another situation here, Gus, that you're not part of.
Good boy.
Who's a good boy? This is a real hostage situation, okay? You need to take this seriously.
We have stopped doing the whole standoff thing, alright? Due to the budget cuts.
Just cost too much.
We gotta pay for roadblocks, we gotta get helicopters And don't even get me started on the snipers.
I hate those guys.
"Oh, I can shoot accurately "Oh, look, I can hit a nickel - from this many yards.
" - Ok, enough, enough.
Let's get the full department on this or people are going to die.
- Starting with this guy.
- I have a name.
- What's your name? - Stu-balls.
Now, those cops are just playing with my head, okay? The real cops are gonna show up soon and I'm gonna make them take me seriously.
Or else everyone dies.
- Are you crying, Stu? - Uh-uh, I'm not crying.
- ( Sobbing ) - Kind of looks like you're crying, bro.
- Are you sneezing quietly? - I'm not ready to die.
I don't want my last meal to be a boner dog.
- That's the reason? - I'm not ready either.
I mean, the islanders have a serious shot at the playoffs this year.
- You got the baby too.
- Well, the islanders though, - that's the big one.
- Hey, you know, guys, if I get killed and you don't, will you make sure my little boy at least has food? - Oh, yeah.
How old is he? - He's 32.
Okay, you! You come with me.
- Who? Me? - You.
Yeah.
I thought Stu's your human shield.
No, he's too fat, too sweaty.
- That's what you want.
- You're perfect.
No, you want a big fat guy.
Thanks for having my back, Tim.
Okay, coming out again.
And I-- are you kidding me? Okay, let's negotiate here.
Okay, fine.
I want you to track down my girlfriend and bring her here.
Wish I could.
I'm not empowered to do much except order pizzas.
- Pizzas?! - You can get up to four large pies with two toppings on each.
And it's Wednesday, so it should be good.
Okay, you're not listening to me.
I'm going to murder people.
Let's be honest, okay? You got three guys hanging out at a strip club at 11:00 am.
I think the world can get by without them.
What's that supposed to mean? No, this is not how it's supposed to work, okay? What topping do you want?! I don't want a topping.
I want a SWAT team, I want a news van, I want snipers, okay? Hold on, Gus is taking a poop.
Oh, it's solid.
You're the worst negotiator.
Okay, what were-- what were you saying? I want a circus atmosphere, okay? Look, I cannot give you a circus atmosphere unless you have $185,000 to reimburse the city.
- Oh, that is an inflated number.
- Does sound a little padded.
Now I suggest mushrooms and meatballs.
They're a terrific combination when you're under stress.
Okay, guys, look, I-- I didn't wanna do this to you guys.
I know we're all really good friends, but someone here needs to die, so I'm looking for volunteers.
Anyone want to volunteer? - Not it.
- Me neither.
- Okay, not it.
Okay, good.
Not it.
- Tim: What? What? - That's not-- - You're it, you're it.
- That's not a not-it situation.
- You're-- - No, that's how-- - Not a not-it situation.
- It-- the way that I am doing it, it is, okay? - Oh my God.
So my question to you is, are you ready to die? - No.
- Okay.
Well, that's okay, because I'm going to give you a countdown from 70 to one and then I'm going to kill you.
So you have time to-- - from 70? - Yes! You have time to put things in order.
What's the significance of that number? I'm giving you more than the cliche time.
You seem a little nervous.
Yeah, I am.
I am-- I-- - Take a-- take a breath.
- Okay.
- ( Inhales, exhales ) - Don't kill anybody.
- If you want the media circus - Yes.
and they say it's too expensive, I think I got a solution here.
- How's that grab you, huh? - Corporate card.
Hey-oh-oh.
- Oh.
- Sometimes you gotta bust out the card.
- Yeah! - Right? You're gonna do that for me?! - I'll do it.
- I love it! - We get each other, right? - This is-- yeah, you're having Stockholm syndrome with me.
- Little bit.
- We're stockholming.
- A little bit.
- Okay.
- Stu: Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
Is this still about Jenny or are you now just-- - No, I'm getting into it.
- It's taken a left turn.
It's taken a left turn.
We're getting into this now.
This is good.
This is what I was always meant to do-- be a hostage-taker.
I love it! All right, let's charge it! Tim: Wow.
- I thought I was gonna die before.
- Yeah.
My balls were starting to go up inside me.
I was freaked out.
Just try to be emotional here.
I uh-- it got me thinking about myself.
You know, I have changed a little.
Promotion got to me.
Just wanted to let you guys know that you're still my best friends - and I love you.
- Oh man, that's nice.
That's very sweet of you.
And if I wasn't tied to this greasy stripper pole, - I'd hug you, buddy.
- These things are ridiculously greasy, aren't they? - ( Helicopter whirring ) - Whoa whoa whoa, you guys hear that? The choppers! - Tim: Ow.
Oh, wow.
- The choppers are coming.
This is it! This is it.
Okay, do I look good? Do I look all right? - You look amazing.
- Oh, this is what I'm talking about.
Holy crap.
SWAT teams and choppers and news trucks and-- what the hell? Where are the snipers? There are supposed to be-- oh! - All: Oh-hh! - Ah, look at that.
I got shot with a sniper bullet.
( Laughs ) Yes! That was awe-- oh-hh.
Oh! Okay okay.
All right.
Just close the door if nothing else.
( Laughs hysterically ) I got shot by snipers.
- You're way too excited.
- ( Gunshot ) ( Groans ) Finally, Mitch is getting some resp-- ( thuds ) I had no idea so much gross stuff - was inside the head.
- ( Steps approaching ) - Okay, which one is Tim? - Oh, right here.
Everyone's fine.
Don't panic.
Don't start calling me a hero or anything.
I don't care about the hero thing.
I just need you to sign this credit card receipt.
And the tip's been taken care of already - 'cause there has been a death.
- ( Gus yelps ) ( Traffic roars ) Marie: Oh, Tim Tim Tim.
$20 at staples, $179 for entertainment and $185,000 for the N.
Y.
P.
D.
Mmm, gotta charge things.
- Boss: Tim.
- What's wrong? We're all men here.
We know what went down.
- Marie's not a man.
- Thank you, Tim.
Well, look at it.
It's all taped and tucked.
We know the deal.
- Marie wanted to fire you.
- Yeah.
But I've decided that we're simply going to take it out of your pay.
- I don't make that much.
- Marie: So we're gonna go ahead and dock your full salary.
So you'll work for free, uh, this year - and then part of next year.
- So I don't get paychecks anymore? - Boss: No more money for you.
- No no no no no, you spent that money, Tim.
So I hope you enjoyed that strip club.
( Walks out ) - ( Door closes ) - ( Laughs ) Tim.
- Whoo! - I just lost all my money for two years.
- No, but seriously, now that that dude's gone - ( Clicks ) - ( Music playing ) - If it's any consolation, I'm super impressed - with what you've done here.
- You're impressed? For years we've had this secret competition to see who could submit the single highest receipt from Bonerz.
- I'm the champ? - Are you kidding? The old record was held by Hal Gleason for $9,000 and you just blew past him by one-- $176,000.
( Laughs ) - You seem very excited.
- Hal Gleason, get your sweet sweet ass in here.
- Hey, Tim.
- Hey.
- Congrats.
- Check out this plaque.
- Oh my God.
- What do you think about a photo? - Two champs standing beside the plaque.
- No.
- I don't want any proof that this-- - Hal: I'd be honored.
Okay, on the count of three, I want you to say "I love Bonerz-zz.
" A little closer.
One, two, three.
Both: I love Bonerz-zz.
They've gotta change that name.
No matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
All right, sitting on the floor.
You guys got some more pillows, I see.
- Yeah, they are new actually.
- Yeah, pier 1.
Right? - No.
- This is like an opium den - for losers.
I love it.
- ( Door opens ) Sorry I'm late.
Whoa-aa! Wow, that snow is insane.
- ( Door closes ) - Hey, Jules.
- Hey, Tim.
- So you guys know each other? ( Chuckles ) Yeah, through Amy.
- He grabbed my ass at new year's.
- Why are you bring-- you grabbed my ass at new year's.
Let's just say what happened.
- It looks like Amy's from a distance.
- ( Slurps ) - It's all good memories.
- Let's just move on.
- Tim: Yeah.
- Yeah, let's move on.
- All right, let's do this.
Who's ready? - Yeah.
- Game night! What are we gonna play first? - I brought trivial pursuit.
Now come on, let's just play jenga.
We always play jenga.
- Uh, we can't.
- What do you mean? I mean, I gave it to toys for tots last Christmas.
To-- toys f-- tell me you didn't just say that.
- It's not that big of a deal.
- You threw away the best game ever invented, the game which I have dominated - since the late '90s? - Let's just play - the game that Julie brought.
- No.
It's all set up.
I have all the pies.
I have a booster kit.
- Whoops.
Oh, my wine! I spilled the wine.
- What? That was not-- - That was not a whoops.
- Can I talk to you? - Can I talk to you? I'm talking to you.
- No, Tim, I need-- - No.
No.
- You're not talking to me.
- Do not do this.
- Are you kidding me with toys for fucking tots? - Again? - What are the tots doing with my game? - My friends do not like you.
- Oh, please.
Do me a fa-- you know they don't like you.
Just try.
- How do you not-- - Can you just try to make a good impression? - How do you not like Tim? - Tim, they think you're an idiot.
All right, you know what? I'll be the bigger man.
I'll be a good host - and uh, suck it up.
- Thank you.
Everyone, we've thought it through and the smart play is definitely - for Tim to zip out and buy jenga real quick.
- Amy and Julie: What?! - Tim: It's gotta happen.
It's gonna happen.
- It's freezing out there.
- Serious, it is blizzarding.
- Dude, it is so cold out there.
- Amy: This is not-- - Look at me, I'm a tough man.
We did not agree-- this is not what we agreed to.
No, this has all been agreed upon.
I'll be back in half hour tops.
Make chitchat.
Have some crackers.
This is gonna be a fun night.
I think this was a good decision.
( Wind whistling ) What kind of ridiculous girlfriend gives away jenga? - Oh, D-Debbie?! - Tim.
- What are you doing out here? - Oh, you know.
- No, I don't.
It's freezing! - Well, I was working and then a potential client offered me $10 to lick my butt.
- Lick your butt? - I said, "Go ahead," lick me where the good lord split me.
- That's a weird story.
- It gets weirder.
He got it all wet up in there.
And I leaned up in my sexy Debbie pose - and my butt got stuck to the pole.
- Oh, no.
Frozen pole-butt-- ain't nothing worse.
Frozen pole-butt is pretty bad.
- You're telling me? - We just gotta get you off of there.
I know.
I had to fart like two minutes ago.
Too much-- too much information.
- I couldn't do it, Tim.
I couldn't do it.
- ( Snickers ) Let me-- let me run into that store.
Let me see if they got anything.
- Oh please, Tim.
- Sit tight, sit tight.
( Laughs ) I can't sit, but thank you.
Um, why don't we play something while we wait? - Uh, we can play, like, truth or dare.
- Spin the bottle? - Amy: I'm not playing that with you.
No.
- Julie: Yeah, no.
How 'bout we play how did you lose your virginity? - What? No, come on.
- Rodney: Who popped your cherry in your case.
- Yeah, I got it when you said the virginity thing.
- Is that a game or is--? Yeah yeah yeah.
We'll each tell our story, then we'll vote.
Best story wins five bucks from everybody.
- Uh, mine's real good.
- Okay, Stu, you start.
Very well.
( Clears throat ) I was in high-school biology class - dissecting a frog-- - That's the way it starts, bro? Who's telling the story, dicklick? ( Clears throat ) I was in high-school biology class dissecting a frog and my teacher was incredibly hot-- like, Celine Dion four months pregnant hot.
- ( School bell rings ) - All right, that's enough, Stuart.
Oh, have you had enough of me? - Yes, Stuart, I've had enough of you.
- Are you sure? 'Cause it sounds like somebody wants to get - Stu-uu-'d.
- ( Laughing ) Just thought of that catchphrase.
I'm gonna use it from now on.
Stu, your rebellious bad-boy attitude might be sexy - to some teachers and administrators - Really? but not me.
I wanna see you after school - in my office, alone.
- Okay.
And don't wear any pants.
Because you are gonna get spanked and spanked and spanked.
Bullshit alert.
- Did not happen.
- You have to tell the truth.
That story's true-- start to finish.
- Rodney: Not true.
- If I were lying, how would I know that when I had sex with her there were a bunch of teachers in there and I was so good at sex that they gave me a faculty parking spot and I was the only kid who was allowed to drink coffee? - These are close friends of Tim? - I don't know what to say.
- ( Wind roars ) - ( Door chimes ) Hey, excuse me.
Do you have any olive oil here? Do we have olive oil? ( Laughs ) That's what I asked you.
Does fresh juniper go well with venison? - ( Laughing ) - I have no idea.
Oh, it does.
It does.
( Snickers ) - It goes well with venison, that's why-- - Oh, gourmet humor.
It's a-- it's a joke.
It's a joke I like to-- I like to keep it light.
I'm gonna recommend this one if you want olive oil.
It's from Puglia, all right? It's $10.
99.
- It's-- - I don't understand half the words you're using.
It's infused with truffles.
Do you understand that? It's divine.
Do you understand that? ( Laughs ) Just give me the cheapest one you got.
Oh, come on, you're gonna love it.
You'll thank me.
I really don't want it.
Just give me the cheap one, come on.
- If you put this on arugula, you're in heaven.
- Knock it off.
- Do people ever say you're annoying? - Uh, no, they don't.
- They don't ever say that to you? - You know what they say to me? They say thank you.
My story's gonna blow Stu's away.
I don't even need to embellish because it's all true.
- Oh, this'll be fun.
- I was 12 years old and my old man said, "Put down the baseball mitt, Rod.
- We're going to a whorehouse.
" - Okay.
Man: Rodney, we did not drive two hours to buffalo, New York, for you to lay there with a limp dick! - Dad, I don't know what to do.
- Just shove it in.
Shove what? Where do you want me to shove it? - Jeez, I have to do everything.
Relax.
- No! No, don't do that.
Mom! Mom! That was horrific.
That could not be considered a good memory.
No, I mean, my dad wasn't around much growing up, so any bonding experience whatsoever is a good memory for me.
All right, Debbie, I'm gonna pour it on your butt, - and then I need you to shimmy-- - Oh, I can do that.
All right.
And shimmy.
- Ooh.
Whoo-hoo, ooh.
- Shimmy.
- Shimmy.
- Oh, I think it's working, Tim.
- Is it working? - Ooh, you need to-- you need to patent this.
- All right.
- "Tim's gourmet pole-butt remover," you could call it.
- I like that.
- Oh, I'm free! - Oh, look at that.
- ( Laughs ) Tim.
Oh, look at that.
That's exciting.
You a godsend, an angel sent from heaven.
- I really am.
- I'm going inside.
What are you doing out here in this crazy weather anyway? Oh, man, I gotta-- I gotta get across town and buy jenga.
- What? - The board game by-- by Hasbro.
Tim, we lead very different lives, don't we? - Hello.
- Hey, Bashko.
Sorry to stick head in door like criminal, but please do not use water.
- Pipes is frozen.
- Dude, you should come in - and play this game with us.
- What, jenga? No, Tim is undefeated, he tells me.
No.
We're actually playing how did you lose your virginity? Let's see.
It happen in Ukraine.
Invite her on picnic.
We ate cheese.
We drink wine.
Then we make love for what seemed like hours.
That's actually like a really beautiful story.
Did I mention she was goat? When I look into our eyes, I don't see a goat.
I see a beautiful woman who happens to be stuck in the body of a male goat.
I love you male goat woman.
( Bleats ) Anyway, stay cool.
That's a joke.
Stay warm.
Tim: All right, ring her up.
Really coming down out there, huh? - Ridiculous.
- Boy, you must've really needed jenga.
I really like the game.
All right, $12.
29 with tax.
Oh, no, I only have $9 left.
Oops.
Did you screw up? Is it cheaper than that? - No.
No.
It's $12.
29.
- I'm saying-- - you're saying oops on my behalf.
- I'm saying, "Oops," you made a mistake by not having the necessary money.
" - Uh, can I ask you a question? - Sure.
- Does Kmart barter? - Barter? - Like-- - Like in olden times when someone would say, "Hey, I'll give you a chicken, you give me some salt"? - No, we don't do that.
- How come? ( Sighs ) How come? Well, we're just in modern times.
That's the only problem-- that it's today.
If it weren't today - we could do it, but it is.
- Why are you-- why are you so hung up on the age that we're living in? Just barter with me, take the oil.
Look what happens when I try to put this olive oil - in the cash register.
Look, doesn't fit.
- ( Clattering ) I don't have a tray the size of this bottle of olive oil.
- Do I? - You're just being a jerk at this point.
Guys, I'm starting to get a little worried about Tim.
Ah, Tim's fine.
Let's hear your story.
You know, I don't think I've ever even heard this story.
Amy's gonna describe herself having sex.
Shut up! I actually haven't even ever told Tim this, but um, - I lost my virginity to him.
- Jules: Really?! Ugh.
I wanna lay you down rub it in between my cheeks So do you believe in soulmates? I sure as heck do.
Aw-ww.
You're like Katherine Heigl in that story.
- It was really romantic.
- Look who's home.
- Rodney: Aw-ww.
- Hey, Tim.
- Stu: Timmy.
- Tim: 10 minutes flat.
- Where's jenga? - I had a change of heart.
I didn't get the game.
I just instead Thought you might like this gourmet olive oil.
That's so nice.
But random.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, well, you know, it's just-- it's for you.
Yeah, we don't need jenga anyway.
We're playing how did you lose your virginity? That's a probing question, that's not a game, that's-- - come on, Tim.
- All right, fine.
It's actually a pretty good story.
It was my homecoming weekend - of sophomore year at college.
- Mm-hmm.
And I was pledging a frat.
Man: Okay, little dudes, welcome to the annual Dick Bonington's Humpathon.
You know the drill: Any pledge who can nail five women in one weekend is granted automatic admission.
Gentlemen, start your boners.
- Dick Bonington's what?! - Humpathon.
Trust me, this story comes around in the end.
Uh, so that afternoon, I lost my virginity to a woman named Brenda who worked at the cafeteria.
And later that night, double-teamed two sorority girls.
It's kind of sloppy, but counted twice.
- Stu: Hey now.
- Technically, Amy was #4, but I knew I was in love.
I told the frat I was quitting the contest - 'cause I didn't wanna go through with the fifth.
- Wow, that's romantic as shit.
I'm disappointed, but I understand.
Dick Bonington would have been proud.
Thank you, that's really nice of you to say.
I don't even know what I just said.
I'm fucked up as all hell.
I-- I knew I was in love.
Isn't that romantic? I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and say no-- not romantic, - Tim.
- ( Footsteps recede ) - Amy, hey, what are you-- - ( Door slams ) What am I missing here? I did not go through with the fifth - 'cause I was in love-- - Julie and Stu: With the fourth.
- No one sees the romance? - If it's any consolation, - you win this contest.
- Oh wow, 20 bucks.
You're never coming back for game night, are you? No.
This is why I play jenga.
I bet a nickel I could tell you if it was heads or tails I'm not gonna worry wrinkles in my brow 'cause nothing's ever gonna be all right nohow no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.