The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s03e07 Episode Script
Marvelous Radio
1 - SHIRLEY: Miriam! - Ah! - There's a man on the phone.
- What man? Who is it? A mean man, an angry man.
He says if you're not on the subway in ten minutes, - you'll be late.
- What time is it? "Get her ass on that fuckin' subway!" And that's one of the nicer things he said to me.
- Tell him I'm coming.
- What am I, your secretary? I'm coming! - Who's in the bathroom?! - And he thought I was a man.
- Moishe, get out of the bathroom! - Why in the world would he think I was a man? I'm coming, Susie, I'm coming! I will be on time, I promise! Susie? Who would name a boy Susie? Hands! Elbow! Foot! Lox? Hands! Go, go, go, go, go! Excuse me! Coming through! Morning.
- DICKIE: Right on time.
- Told ya.
- IRENE: Morning, guys.
- Hi, Irene.
Let's get a mic check.
- Mic check.
Uno, dos.
Uno, dos.
- Good for me, Dickie.
Let's do it.
Take it from the top, Midge.
- Housewife? - What else? Rolling.
MIDGE: "Paramus Ford has the best deals in town.
They're so good that even I can understand the savings and I'm a woman!" Perfecto.
Next.
"With its natural mildness and gorgeous aftertaste, more expectant mothers prefer Pall Mall cigarettes over any other brand".
- Can they prove that? - No idea.
Next.
"Run to buy hosiery that never runs, at B.
Altman's nylon sale.
Ends Thursday".
I used to work at B.
Altman.
Don't care.
Next.
"Bell Brothers Shoes is opening a brand-new Staten Island location, and we're opening with a bang".
- (POPPING BALLOON) - Holy fuck! - Sorry.
- No one told me about balloons.
That is seriously fucked up, Dickie! A little warning next time! The big balloon next to her head wasn't a tip-off? I'm gonna need a minute.
SUSIE: She's gonna need a minute now, Dickie.
This is very upsetting! Jesus Christ, she's so fragile.
- DICKIE: Great job.
- Thank you, sir.
- Sign here.
- Got another housewife spot at 12:30, you interested? We'll take it.
Five bucks, we can retire now.
This game is piecework.
You do a lot, you make a lot.
- Let's go.
- Later, guys.
See you at 12:30.
And don't be late! Come on.
- Ooh! - Oh! - Ooh! - Hey! SUSIE: Studio B! Midge Maisel, here for her 9:00.
Nice and punctual.
Here's the script.
Thank you, sir.
It's a spot for a business in the Bronx.
- I'm playing a four-year-old girl? - Guess so.
Why didn't you just get a four-year-old girl? They can't read.
Check the mic.
(LITTLE GIRL VOICE): One-two, one-two, I'm a little girl.
There's my next source of nightmares.
So it's just you today.
We fill in the dad part later.
- Got it.
- Rolling.
"Look at that.
I want it".
Sounds good.
Next line? "It's so big, Daddy".
(NORMAL VOICE): Wait.
- What.
- Is this pornography? - It's not pornography.
- Sounds like pornography.
It's not pornography.
Keep going, from the last line.
(LITTLE GIRL VOICE): "It's so big, Daddy.
I want to lick it".
(NORMAL VOICE): This is pornography.
- Definitely pornography.
- No, no, look, she's a kid out with her dad, he's buying her an ice cream bar.
- At a cathouse.
- Not at a cathouse.
- This is pornography.
- It's not pornography! Hey, that's my competition! It's piecework, Dickie.
You do a lot, you make a lot.
12:30, don't forget.
- Hands.
- Belt buckle.
- Breath.
- Heel.
- Tuna fish? - Elbow.
- Hat.
- Cab? - Cab.
- Fart.
Hands.
(CAR HONKING) Hey, keep it running.
Wait for us.
MIDGE: "Soft and gentle, so comfortable, and so easy to carry.
A month's supply fits easily into your purse.
So try Pursettes, ladies.
No one will ever know who came to visit".
PAT: Well done.
- Thank you, Mrs.
Maisel.
- MIDGE: You're very welcome.
- Thanks, Susie.
- All I need is the check.
PAT: The check? I thought you understood how the compensation was gonna work.
- I'll get the door.
- I'll get the door.
(GRUNTS) You told everybody these things were easy to carry.
Hey! For the record, they said nothing about paying us in tampons.
A lifetime supply.
Would they do this to a man, huh? Would they pay him whatever a tampon equivalent is for a guy? Men don't even have a tampon equivalent.
Men suck.
Got enough to get the Rockettes to menopause.
I'll make it work.
These things must have a street value.
You are not selling tampons on the street.
I'll do what I got to do.
Downtown, driver.
- MIDGE: I'm starving.
- SUSIE: Sorry.
- MIDGE: Food.
- SUSIE: Later.
Look out! - Oh! - Coming through.
Midge, this is Pete Drummond.
He owns Pete's Mortuary Services in Brooklyn, and this is Mrs.
Drummond.
Nice to meet you, Mr.
Drummond, Mrs.
Drummond.
- Likewise.
- Nice to meet you.
Hey, I assume you're past the point of needing these? DICKIE: Pete wrote the spot.
I'll let him fill you in on what he's looking for.
MIDGE: Wonderful.
It's a husband and wife dealing with the death of a loved one.
It's such a sensitive matter, and the performances need to reflect that sensitivity.
Absolutely.
It's the most sensitive matter there is.
- Let's try one.
- Rolling.
DICKIE: Any time, guys.
- "Dad's dead".
- (LAUGHING) I am so sorry.
- This isn't funny.
- MIDGE: I know, it just weirdly struck me as funny.
I'm so, so sorry.
- Shall we try it again, Midge? - MIDGE: Absolutely.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - "Dad's dead, and he was my hero".
"Mine, too.
What do we do? It's such a confusing time".
JOHNNY: "Let's call Pete's Mortuary Services".
MIDGE: "Good idea.
They'll have a slab for Dad".
(LAUGHING): I'm sorry, is this not supposed to be funny? It's not supposed to be funny, Midge.
It's about a man who's passed away.
I'm sorry.
This is so disrespectful.
I'm good.
- Let's try again.
- Just take it from the last couple lines.
Still rolling.
"Let's call Pete's Mortuary Services".
"Good idea.
They'll have a slab for Dad".
"And they'll come to you, wherever you are".
"It's such a comfort to know that Dad will Rest in Pete's".
(LAUGHING) - (CHUCKLING) - Let's take five.
Hey! Door, door, door, door, door, door, door.
"Ladies, stay fit and trim the easy way, with amphetamines, the pleasantest way to reduce".
And cut.
Great job, Midge.
Hey, you got any? - Food? - Food.
This week we're on par to make about what we made last week, - 35 bucks or so.
- Not bad.
Gross.
Net, food and cabs ate up half of that.
What're you looking at me for? You eat, too.
- No more cabs.
- Susie.
They're eating up our profits.
It was your idea to take a cab today.
And it was a bad idea.
No more cabs.
Without cabs, I show up looking gross and sweaty.
It's fucking radio.
It doesn't matter how you look.
But I'll feel bad, and if I feel bad, it'll show up in my voice.
Okay, but we cannot lose money doing this.
This is supposed to sustain us until we go back out on tour.
- Hopefully, that'll be soon.
- Mm.
What a time for Shy Baldwin to get "exhaustion".
The guy doesn't even tie his own fucking shoes, - how exhausted can he be? - I don't know.
- Pressures of stardom, I guess.
- It's been two months.
He should be rested by now.
We need ketchup.
Be right back.
Saturday, nickel on the Tigers, a dime each on the Cards and the Reds.
- Cards and the Reds? - Yeah.
You know they're playing each other.
- I know.
- You're betting against yourself.
- I got a system.
- Everyone's got a system.
Mine works.
I got to go.
- Come on.
- What happened to the ketchup? I changed my mind.
Grab it to go.
"Parker makes a girl-sized pen for my girl-sized hands".
Got it.
"The flowers at Fleishman's are never droopy.
Trust me, she expects you to get fresh".
Got it.
"Toffenetti's is the cathedral of restaurants.
We're famous for our ham".
- Got it.
- You're done, Midge.
(SUSIE AND MIDGE SNORING) We didn't want to leave the theater.
Nobody did.
We floated home, like dandelions, just floating across the East River.
- Morning, everyone.
- OTHERS: Morning.
We were just telling your parents about a wonderful show we saw last night.
- Bye Bye Birdie.
You seen it? - Heard of it.
It's spectacular, a masterpiece.
So many wonderful melodies, and they just keep running through my head.
La-di-di, la-di-di-di, la-di-dah I don't think that's one of them, but it does have some nice tunes.
- It sounds very nice.
- MOISHE: And that actress, - Chita Rivera.
(PURRS) - Oh, Moishe.
Good thing I wear my pants loose in the crotch.
Know what I mean? - Unfortunately.
- MOISHE: Probably not your cup of tea, though, right, Abe? Bye Bye Birdie? I know nothing about the show, Moishe.
MOISHE: Yes, but I know you, and I know you wouldn't like Bye Bye Birdie because Bye Bye Birdie is entertaining.
- I know nothing about the show.
- Well, it's a masterpiece.
I'm sure it's a piece of something.
Tonight, we go to a movie, it's supposed to be cute, Where The Boys Are.
I'll tell you where the boys are.
Attached to the thing that was saluting Chita Rivera in Bye Bye Birdie last night.
(PURRS) You guys are hitting the town a lot these days.
Well, it's always nice to venture out, what with the close quarters here.
We'll be out of your hair soon, Moishe, I promise.
I will be, too, Moishe, it really is just temporary.
Look, we're fine with what's happening here.
We're family, but your father, he's being stubborn.
I offered to put key money up for an apartment for them, but he wouldn't hear of it.
We don't need your money, Moishe.
MOISHE: You just fired your maid of 20 years and you cried when you did it.
I saw you cry.
I don't need your money because I just completed my Abe and Rose "End of Days" calculations.
Now that they're done, we can find a place, get Zelda back part-time, and we'll be fine.
I'm afraid to ask.
He's worked so hard on this.
Explain it, Abe.
It's quite simple: I've added up our projected pension and social security payments, matched them to our expenses, adjusted for inflation, and calculated the numbers of years your mother and I get to live.
Get to live? - For me, it's the age of 67.
- But you're 62, so - I have to die in five years.
- This is morbid.
I get to live till I'm 69, assuming I don't get hit by a bus.
Now, obviously, if I die early, say at age 65, then those two years can be added to your mother's.
- ROSE: So I'll get to live till I'm 71.
- ABE: Either which way, - I need to be dead by 1965.
- Mm.
Need any help - (LAUGHS) - La-di-di, la-di-di-dah La-di-di-dah Third base line, fifth row.
Best seats you've ever had.
- What did I do to deserve this? - What did you do? I was able to reach you after offering them to six other people who turned me down.
- I'm touched, really.
- (ARCHIE WHISTLING) DON: Hey, there he is.
I heard you were camping here.
- Just for the time being, Donny.
- DON: Time being? - I heard two months.
- But he's at home all the time.
For the kids.
I'm there to put them to bed, I am there when they wake up, I am there for every meal, even snacks.
It's just when Imogene goes to bed, I come here and go to bed.
With Joel? That's weird.
Not in his bed.
In that bed.
With Ethan? That's weirder.
Not when Ethan's here.
When he's here, I lay out fabric on the floor and make a pillow out of bolts of cloth.
- That's weird, too.
- ARCHIE: I can't keep explaining it, Donny.
They're gonna patch it up any day, Don.
- That's the point.
- Any day.
I hope so 'cause it's weird.
Got to pick up charcoal for our barbecue this weekend.
- See you tonight, Joel.
- Yeah, see you, Arch.
In case you were wondering, this is why you were my seventh call.
- (METALLIC CLANGING) - (MAN SHOUTING) Uh, Joel.
- What happened? - He walked headfirst into the pipe.
It was sitting there plain as day where it always is, and he walked right into it.
- How hard you hit? - Am I dead? - No.
- Then not hard enough.
- Come on, let's stand you up.
- I didn't do anything.
- What? - The night she kicked me out.
You were there, I did nothing.
And not just 'cause you socked me in the face.
- I know, Arch.
- I love her, Joel.
I love Imogene so much.
I miss her.
Well, have you told her? It's so cold between us.
I can't.
- It'll change.
- She was my first.
- There's never been anyone else.
- Never? - Never.
- That's weird.
- Can you help in some way? - I'll get some water.
- She'll come around.
- She won't.
- She will.
She misses you, too.
- Did you talk to her? Did Midge? No, but of course she does.
- I'll see you tonight.
- See you tonight.
After I read the kids a story.
I'll make us some tea.
(ALARM CLOCK RINGING) (GROANS) - Good morning.
- Good morning.
CHESTER: Good morning.
- SUSIE: Good morning, Chester.
- Sounded like you slept well.
- Was I snoring? - CHESTER: Or asphyxiating.
Either way, I liked it.
How would you like your eggs today, Chester? Raw.
Okay, Jackie, first, how the fuck you figured subletting to another person while I was gone was appropriate, I don't know.
Second, you sub-sublet to a guy - who's practically stalking me.
- JACKIE: He didn't say he knew you.
Thought it would be a deal breaker.
Crisscross.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello? SOPHIE (OVER PHONE): I'm excited.
Sophie, hi.
Not as excited as I was for that ménage à trois with Vincent Price and Ethel Merman, but close.
Lovely.
- Open your door.
- Open my door? I've sent you a token.
- Jackie, open the door.
- I think you'll like them.
I hunted and hunted and finally found the perfect pair.
- Holy shit.
- What is it? Fucking birds.
We got the birds.
- This is a no-pet household.
- Shh.
The birds sing, as you have given me the gift of song.
Allowing my voice to soar freely.
It really wasn't necessary.
- It's not fair if she gets to keep them.
- I'll deal with this.
Look, Chester had a cat, but I wouldn't allow it, and he couldn't find someone to take it, so he had to drown it in the Hudson.
Did you read Walter Winchell last night? About the buzz surrounding Miss Julie? No.
Uh, that's great.
- He said there's buzz? - Oh I don't know why it took me this long to trod the boards again.
You are the real thing, Sophie.
You came through.
As did you, my little bird.
I'll see you at the opening, and we'll take that bow together.
And by "we", I mean me.
See you at the opening.
Bye.
I'm going to the opening of Miss Julie, too.
You fucking are not.
("YOU'D BE SO NICE TO COME HOME TO" BY HELEN MERRILL PLAYING) You'd be so nice To come home to You'd be so nice By the fire While the breeze On high Sang a lullaby You'd be all Oh, look at that.
- What.
- There, on the floor.
- Is that a dollar? - I think it is.
You don't see that every day.
Poor sap's gonna miss it when he realizes he doesn't have it.
I don't know, it's only a dollar.
Yeah, it's only a dollar.
ANNOUNCER: 59th Street This is me.
See you back at the asylum.
Hurry, before the door closes.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER) Your tea, Mrs.
Weissman, and an apricot rugelach on the house.
You remembered.
Thank you, Darla.
You're not in as much as before, Mrs.
Weissman.
Yes, well, we decided to give up our apartment.
So big, so drafty.
So now we're in a wonderful house in Forest Hills.
- Do you know it? - That's Queens, isn't it? Yes, it's Queens.
Here, Darla.
I'll pay now, so you can go about your tasks.
- I'll bring your change.
- Thank you.
Rose Weissman? Such a stranger.
Oh, hello, Corinne.
How are you? - I'm well.
And you? - Astrid had her baby.
- Boy or girl? - His bris is tomorrow.
Mazel tov.
When was the last time we saw each other? (GASPS) Not since the Benjamin debacle.
Oh, they came so close.
Yes, so close.
CORINNE: Boy, were we all stunned.
Benjamin Ettenberg, the Holy Grail of bachelors, head over heels in love.
So quickly: marriage, a townhouse.
A townhouse? For him and Miriam? Big enough for a family.
So gorgeous.
I didn't know.
Well, maybe Miriam didn't know, either.
- Oh, I just feel so foolish.
- Why? I was the one who pushed the two of them together.
- Such a stupid thing.
- Stupid? Please.
- After your track record? - What track record? Remember, you put the Heifetz boy with the Feinstein girl? Just suggested it at canasta, - and now they have three kids.
- That was one time.
CORINNE: In the Catskills, you told Sara Halpern to dance with Mel Kleinman, and now they're married with one on the way.
The list goes on and on.
Really, Corinne, they're all just shots in the dark.
Well, then you're the Annie Oakley of matchmaking.
If you could only help my Shira.
She's still on the market? - She's day-old bread.
- Oh, Corinne.
Well, what can you do? At least there'll be someone to look after me in my old age.
It was nice to see you, Rose.
Say hello to Abe? I will.
- The butcher's boy.
- Beg pardon? - Melvin Goldfarb.
- He was studying law.
Then he turned to veterinary medicine.
I didn't know.
And your daughter has all those cats.
Six, and a dog, and a pot-bellied pig.
You're a natural, Rose.
I'm taking her shopping.
ROSE: Corinne? How many floors to Benjamin's townhouse? Four, at least, and a yard, and now it's on the market, discounted.
So gorgeous.
Bye, Rose.
Buh-bye.
(BELLS TOLLING) Simon! Simon! (CHUCKLES) Hello.
I got to go.
Simon! Simon, wait.
Simon! Excuse me.
Simon, wait! It's me, Abe.
Wait! Simon! It's Abe Weissman! Wait! Simon! Simon! Simon! (CHUCKLING): Abe.
- What a surprise.
- Hello, Simon.
I thought I'd never catch up to you.
You're in very good shape.
I play a little squash.
So what can I do for you? Nothing.
I was just taking a stroll around campus for old times' sake and I happened to spot you.
Lucky me.
- How's the family? - There he is.
That's him.
SIMON: Oh, everyone's fit as a fiddle.
- And, uh, your wife? - SECURITY GUARD: Sir? - She's well? - Uh, sure.
We should get together, - the four of us.
- We should, we really should.
Before 1965, if possible.
I really have to go now, Abe.
I don't want to keep you.
I just wanted to say hello.
Hello.
Bye.
(LOCK CLICKS) All right, then, gang.
Now let's roll up our sleeves and see if we can tackle these vector identities.
Abbie, why are you working out this section with a Levi-Civita symbol? Let us in on your methodology here.
Hello, everyone.
Professor Weissman.
- Hello, Professor Weissman.
- Hope I'm not disturbing you.
- I just wanted to stop by.
- But not to teach? - That's right, not to teach.
- (SIGHS) So good to see all of you.
How are you doing? Truman, you look well.
Your complexion, it's so clear.
I've been sleeping wonderfully since well, I last saw you.
Good to hear.
Sleep is very important.
- And Kevin.
- Lance.
- You're holding yourself well.
- I'm taking boxing lessons.
- Really? - So that no one will ever pick on me again.
Wonderful.
I wouldn't want anyone to do that.
And Abbie, you're still here? - Y-Yes, sir.
- Okay.
Well, these are great boys, Professor.
They all deserve their place here, all but six.
And I just want you to know, all the angst that pervaded this room, all the tsuris it caused, it was me.
I made you sweat.
I made you nervous.
I made you break out in hives and run home to your mommies.
For the record, I didn't run.
I didn't.
My ego got in the way.
Teaching is an act of generosity, and I was miserly.
But I can't say that I haven't missed the joy of Socratic debate with you all.
The pleasure one gets in witnessing young minds striving for truth, the singular wonder of it, the joy of personal discovery, with freedom to make mistakes and learn from them.
But I think this change of pace was good for you men.
I see now that this isn't where I belong.
It's where you belong.
Besides him, him, him, him, him, and him.
Goodbye I'll leave you to it, Professor.
I'll leave you to it.
- Goodbye, Professor Weissman.
- Goodbye, Professor Weissman.
Goodbye, Professor Weissman.
Take care of yourself, sir.
Goodbye Goodbye, boys.
Happy lives.
Goodbye.
"It's simply the most flavorful syrup in the whole wide world.
Pour it on your pancakes, your waffle, your French toast.
Smack your lips and ask for more.
Karo Pancake Syrup.
It's so good.
So good.
So good!" THOMASON: And cut.
We're happy, very happy.
Thank you, Mrs.
Maisel.
You're so welcome.
- She did a great job.
- Thanks, Thomason.
All we need is the check and we're on our way.
THOMASON: The check? I thought you understood how the compensation was gonna work.
This is heavier than the tampons.
I think mine's leaking.
You have got to read the contracts.
I read the contract.
This was not in the contract.
I'm a comedian.
When do I go back to being a comedian? - Open the door.
- No, you open the door.
(GRUNTS) It's running down my pants.
- I'll open the door.
- Shit.
I got pancake syrup running down the inside of my pants.
- It's gonna stain.
- Fuck.
My thighs are sticking to each other.
"It's just off the Van Wyck Expressway".
Then I'm heading for Ludlows Menswear.
Manhattan vices at Brooklyn prices".
And we're out.
Good job, guys.
- Come on back in.
- That's it for today.
Your girl free tomorrow night? She's not going out with you, Dickie.
- For a spot, a live spot.
- A live spot? Fun.
For what? Some lady politician is sponsoring a live radio event and she wants live commercials, too.
A woman running for office.
I love that.
IRENE: She wants a wholesome-sounding husband and wife to read whatever the copy is, - and we thought of you two.
- I'm in.
- Me, too.
- Does it pay? And not in tampons or corn syrup? - It pays.
- SUSIE: We'll do it.
- See you, gang.
- IRENE: Bye, guys.
Hey, don't leave your syrup.
Eh, put it on your pancakes.
It's so good! WOMAN (OVER P.
A.
): Paging Dr.
Rosenthal.
Please report to Urology.
Dr.
Rosenthal to Urology, please.
Hello, Maureen.
How are you this fine spring day? You're behind schedule, Dr.
Ettenberg.
That's not the right answer, Maureen.
- I'm very fine, Doctor.
- That's better.
- And I promise to catch up.
- You always promise.
Benjamin.
Mrs.
Weissman? - ROSE: Hello.
- Uh, what-what're you doing here? Oh, Benjamin, I feel so sick.
Well, good thing you're at the hospital, that's kind of what we specialize in.
ROSE: No, Benjamin, I'm sick with guilt, about you and Miriam, about pushing the two of you together.
- Oh, Mrs.
Weissman - About getting your hopes up and uprooting your life and causing you to make plans that didn't pan out because of her, because I set you up with her.
- It's all my fault.
- No, no, Mrs.
Weissman I didn't understand how serious this phase was that Miriam was going through, this comedy thing.
My timing was off.
You're being too hard on yourself.
Miriam was just not the right girl for you.
She was weird, yes, but there's weird and there's weird.
And I thought I knew which weird she was, - but apparently I didn't.
- Rose.
Midge was the right kind of weird for me.
She was? Look, I've been with a lot of women - I'd heard that.
- Not an excessive amount.
- Oh, no, of course not.
- But enough to have experience - A lot of experience.
- But less than many others.
- I'm sure that's true.
- What I'm trying to say is that you have nothing, nothing, to feel guilty about.
Really? Midge was right for me.
I just was not right for her.
You're not just saying that? You did a nice thing, Rose, a very nice thing, and you are very sweet for coming here today.
Have a very good life, Benjamin.
Will you do that? I will.
Benjamin, did you really buy a townhouse for the two of you? Yes, but don't worry, I'm very rich.
That isn't helping.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) MOISHE: Can you get that, Abe? It's probably for me.
- Then why don't you get it? - 'Cause I'm in the other room.
Then just come in here and get it yourself.
MOISHE: I'm not wearing pants.
- I'll get it.
- Thank you.
Maisel residence.
MAN (OVER PHONE): Hello.
I'm calling for Abe Weissman.
- Asher, it's Abe.
- Oh, hello, Abe.
This is a surprise.
What surprise? You sent me that thing you wrote for me to read.
- That was two months ago.
- I thought it was a bill.
So you finally got around to reading it? Yup.
Twice.
- You went to my play.
- I did.
I specifically told you not to go to my play.
So shoot me, I'm a rebel.
And then you write about it, my play, my other plays.
Me! A lot of this is about me.
- It's all about you.
- I told you not to go.
Asher, you were in this play.
- Come again? - Your lead character, the carpenter, you spoke through him.
It was powerful.
It moved me.
Now, the actor I saw did the whole thing shirtless - Dumb choice.
- and he power-sawed a two-by-four during the soliloquy, you could barely hear it.
- God, I hate actors.
- But the whole thing reminded me of who you are and what theater should be.
Broadway today, it's run by bean counters, cowards.
It should be more.
- The people deserve more.
- Abe Your play is a masterpiece.
Bye Bye Birdie is not a masterpiece.
- MOISHE: Yes, it is.
- Stop listening, Moishe.
Abe, I read your piece.
You don't need to read me your piece.
I'm sorry.
Look, before I try to publish it, I want your consent.
It's important.
You're my friend.
Abe (SIGHS) It-It's a nice piece of writing, but it hits too close to home.
There's too much me, and my-my privacy is sacred, - you know that.
- I do.
So I-I can't give you my consent, I-I just can't.
I-I hope you understand.
Old friend, that's why I sent it to you, - to get your okay.
- Thank you.
I'm gonna try to publish it anyway.
- What? - These things need to be heard.
Then why the hell did you ask me for my consent? Because I wanted your consent.
It's probably not gonna be published.
No, Abe, it's a good piece.
It makes important points.
- It might get published.
- So you agree with it? I never said I didn't agree with it.
I just said I would rather that it wasn't published.
It probably won't be published.
It's a good piece.
It might get published.
- So you agree with it.
- I never said I didn't! It's probably not gonna happen.
It might! It's good! - It's very good! - So you like it.
We're going around in goddamn circles here, Abe.
(SIGHS) I never asked you to resurrect my life.
I know, but I have to try.
It probably won't be published.
It's a good piece.
It might get published.
So you think it's good? Never said it wasn't good.
It probably won't get published.
(HORN HONKS) (CANARIES SINGING) Mm-hmm.
(PHONE RINGING) Susie Myerson and Associates.
Hold, please.
I'm gonna start charging for this.
(CLEARS THROAT) Susie Myerson.
TESSIE: Hey, Susie, it's me.
I've been trying to get you.
Tess.
What is it? It's Mom.
She's bad.
Really bad.
Shit.
Her heart? And her lungs, and her liver.
Most of the time, she doesn't even know who I am.
Sis, I'm so sorry.
She needs 24-hour care, Suz, and I got to work.
We're talking nursing home? We're talking nursing home.
Hey, I learned to swim.
- No way.
Get out of here.
- In Florida.
I mean, I'm not Esther Williams or anything, but I'm not half bad.
I lost my virginity in a swimming pool.
- You lost it in a few different places.
- (TESSIE LAUGHS) - In the school gym, at the automat.
- (WOMAN SINGING) - (LAUGHING): In synagogue.
- (LAUGHING): Stop laughing.
- You stop laughing.
- (TESSIE LAUGHS) - (KNOCKING) - Jackie, get that.
- I'm not your maid.
- Look in the mirror.
Tess, I got to go.
Oh, oh, wait.
One more thing.
Just so you know, Artie's eyeing Mom's house, and my husband's talking about moving his mother in because it was our mother's place, and somehow that makes it logical or something.
- What did you tell them? - Call Susie.
And that's that.
I'll talk to you later.
- (KNOCKING) - Thanks for nothing.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd you know where I live? I know where all our customers live.
You got 40 bucks due.
- That's today? - That's today.
Okay, okay.
(CLEARS THROAT) Um I've got $30.
I need $40.
Jackie, you owe me ten bucks.
- Give it to Junior.
- Right.
I got seven, but Chester owes me three.
Chester, you owe me three bucks.
Give it to Junior.
I've got two.
But the newsstand guy owes me a buck.
- Hey, Coop! - COOP: Yeah.
- I need that buck.
- All right, here you go.
Thanks, Coop.
Here you go.
Thanks, Chester.
Here you go.
Thanks, Jackie.
Here you go.
Got it.
Hey, remember that talk we had about not being friends? - Yeah.
- Well, if you were my friend, I would tell you that if you need a bucket brigade to cobble up scratch, it might be time to slow down the gambling a little.
But you're not my friend.
(CANARIES SINGING) (SUSIE SIGHS) Moishe, bris first, food after.
I know, I know.
I don't want you upsetting the rabbi.
The rabbi's happy enough I'm wearing pants.
I'm wearing pants, Rabbi! Oh, hey.
Happy.
So glad you could make it.
Don't be scared.
Chip, Greta, come on in.
Don't be scared.
(CHUCKLES) Paula! Hello.
You don't know me, but I have a piece published in today's New York Times.
- Please take one.
- ASTRID: Hi.
Don't be scared.
The written word can change the world.
- Oh, it's okay.
Don't be scared.
- Oh, Cousin Levi.
Has your health improved? I got two more operations coming up.
Maybe this will help.
I wrote a piece for the New York Times.
Enjoy.
The written word can change the world.
And get better, Levi.
Papa, I know you're proud, but you are an integral part of your grandson's bris.
- Peddle your papers later.
- Okay.
RABBI KRINSKY: I have an announcement, everyone.
Listen up.
I know it's a workday, and everyone wants to get started with our Weissman bris, but we're three short of a minyan, which means that we cannot begin the prayers.
So I'm afraid we'll have to wait.
We'll round up some Jews for you, Rabbi.
- Don't say, "Round up Jews".
- I know.
It sounded wrong.
There's nothing to be nervous about.
Almost all boys are circumcised.
I mean, you are, aren't you, Cousin Nicholas? - Uh, sure.
- Well, I know.
You showed me a lot.
(LAUGHS) I don't-don't think it was a lot.
Oh, it was.
Anyhow, the only difference is, this just isn't in a hospital, so the instruments aren't necessarily sterile, and the doctor is a man called a "mohel", who has no medical training, nope.
But it's all right because they give the baby wine, so it's drunk.
Oh, and you know what's funny? I had a dream last night that I was slicing carrots, and I cut off the tip of my finger, and it just bled and bled and bled and bled.
And then I woke up, and it was fine, so - Okay! We got a minyan! - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) And it's my son who closed the deal.
Meet Jacob milkman extraordinaire and a son of Israel.
Ha! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Thank you, Levi Feldman, for leading us in the shaharith.
Now, as you've all noticed, the baby's father Noah is unfortunately not with us today.
He was called overseas at the last minute on urgent business.
Yes, but not for the CIA or anything.
Nope.
RABBI KRINSKY: But he gave us his blessing to proceed.
And that we will do with aplomb.
I'd like to welcome Mohel David Rosenbaum to begin the Brit Milah.
Thank you, Rabbi Krinsky.
- Good morning, everyone.
- ALL: Good morning.
It's an honor to be here today.
I'm hoping this goes better than my last one.
There's nothing funny about a mohel with hiccups.
- (LAUGHTER) - There was another time I had slept badly the night before, and I admit, I was a little snippy.
Oh.
Oh.
(LAUGHS) We've had funnier mohels, I can tell you that.
All right, which one you think's goin' down? JOEL: Easy.
The tall guy in back.
MOISHE: I'm going with the lady in blue.
Abraham Weissman, would you come join us, please? (ASTRID SIGHS) And Astrid, if you please? Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
ASTRID: Oh.
How does it feel, Abe? Well, I never imagined they would publish the piece this quickly.
With hardly any editing.
It's wonderful.
I meant to be holding your grandson.
- Well, that's good, too.
- Mm.
Let's proceed.
(LOUD GASPING) - Mm.
- (THUDS) (QUIETLY): Yes.
Here goes nothin'.
(BABY SCREAMS) - ALL: Mazel tov! - (BABY CRIES) Yours didn't technically go down.
Because those party poopers caught her.
If they hadn't caught her, she would have crumpled - like a sack of potatoes.
- My guy fell clean.
I win.
- It's a tie.
Accept a tie.
- No way, no way.
And how did you pick the name, Astrid? Well, first name "Chaim" for Abe's father, middle name "Christian" for my grandfather.
It's unusual.
The combination.
Can I get you anything, sweetie? Uh, could you see if there's been a telegram from Bahrain? - Will do.
- Thank you.
(INDISTINCT CROWD CHATTER) She really named the child "Chaim Christian"? She really did.
Who in the world besides Astrid would do that? Sammy Davis, Jr.
, but that's why we love her.
"The United States is an island of freedom, achievement and prosperity.
Nothing's more precious than our American way of life".
- Pretty hokey.
- What is it? It's the commercial I'm doing tonight.
It's live, so I want to be ready for it.
You want to run lines with me? You can be my husband.
Phyllis Schlafly? Yeah.
She's a woman.
She's running for something or other.
Congress.
In Illinois.
- You know her? - Of course I do.
I've been published in The New York Times.
This is not a good woman.
How so? She's a right-wing nutjob.
She's come out against Nixon.
Great.
We don't like Nixon.
Because she thinks he's too left-wing.
That doesn't sound real.
She also said that Eisenhower only got in office because of "secret kingmakers" in New York.
I'm not sure if you know what ethnicity she's referring to with the words "kingmakers" and "New York", but one of them just got part of his penis cut off.
Well, then she's an idiot.
She's not.
That's what makes her dangerous.
This is who you're doing a commercial for? Well It's a paycheck.
Okay.
(SIGHS) If you're going to have a voice, you'd better be careful what that voice says.
MIDGE: "With God on our side, this country will prevail against the tides - of the Soviet threat".
- JOHNNY: Agreed.
- Less than two minutes, Irene.
- Got it.
DICKIE: So the main broadcast is happening down the hall.
When they give me the signal, they'll throw it to us, we do our thing, we got 90 seconds, then we throw it back.
This is so exciting.
Live broadcasts are the best.
Let's test that sound.
JOHNNY: This is Johnny, one-two, one-two.
That works.
Midge? Midge? Sorry.
Uh, one-two, one-two.
I guess that'll suffice.
Your girl drink too much Karo Syrup last night? - Where's her energy? - She'll be up for the broadcast, Dickie.
Don't wet your panties.
- 60 seconds to air.
- So the point is to sound super wholesome.
Think freckled-faced, blonde-haired kids, picket fences, ice cream socials.
You know, they want you to sound like - America.
- Right.
Like America.
Questions? - Nope.
- Excellent.
Midge? Midge? I can't.
I'm sorry.
What was that? I can't do this.
This woman, this Schlafly woman she's awful.
I stopped by the library.
I looked her up.
She is racist and sexist and she uses way too much hairspray.
I don't want to speak for her.
I'm sorry, what did she say? (FORCED LAUGHTER) Not the best time to be joking around like this, Midge.
These comedians, they make jokes and sometimes - they don't know where the line is.
- I'm not joking.
I'm not doing this.
- And you shouldn't either.
- Dickie? Susie? Help, please.
Uh, Miriam? Step up to the mic and say the words.
Then I will buy you a hat.
30 seconds, Dickie.
Susie, do you have any idea how horrible this woman is? I think everybody's horrible.
Not as horrible as her.
But she's paying you, which makes me like her.
So say the goddamn words.
Sorry.
I'm out.
IRENE: 15 seconds, Dickie.
Miriam, you just recorded a spot for a massage parlor in Newark.
Do you know how many greasy hand jobs happen on a daily basis at a massage parlor in Newark? This is on a whole different scale.
This is a giant greasy hand job.
IRENE: I'm getting the countdown, Dickie.
In five.
- Four.
Three.
- Just a reminder, it's live! - Miriam.
- Two.
"America the land of promise.
Honey, do you ever think about the kind of world you want our kids to inherit?" (PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Talk, goddamn it.
Shit.
Uh "It's all I can think about when I look into their sweet, innocent faces - and their big blue eyes".
- "But there are so many forces working to usurp us".
SUSIE: "I know, dear.
Like foreigners and Communists who don't even think we should fly the American flag outside our little house".
"There's nothing wrong with taking pride in the Stars and Stripes.
Here, lean in, honey".
"Oh, I love it when you rub my nose".
"And there's nothing wrong with taking pride in our country's might".
"I was just explaining to little Timmy this morning that the atomic bomb is a marvelous gift that was given to our country by God".
Holy fuck, this woman's a monster.
That's what I was saying.
What the hell is going on here? - Plus, the segues are terrible.
- Irene! "Did you also tell the children that we can't let certain well-financed minorities determine America's future?" - What the fuck? - Where are we? We really have to start reading these contracts.
I did, and it said nothing about this woman being Satan.
JOHNNY: " that we can't let certain well-financed minorities determine America's future?" Yes, I did, dear.
I told them to brush their teeth and to not let certain well-financed minorities, um, have futures.
Something like that? America, yay! I'm sorry, where are we? And, we're out.
So, does this pay cash or check or flags? This woman's a monster.
Yeah, sorry, Mama, this place is just not right for you guys.
I still can't figure out how that pigeon got in.
I'm guessing the bathroom window that's stuck open.
- ROSE: Who is that? - It's the real estate agent, Joan.
Hi, Mrs.
Weissman.
Sorry about the pigeon.
We'll find you the right apartment, Mama.
This is New York, there's a million of them.
All right.
Bye.
It's a tough market.
Especially in their price range.
- I'll keep looking.
- Thanks.
You all used to live right up the street there, didn't you? - At 385? - Used to.
Such a beautiful building.
Well, tell your mother not to worry.
We'll find something.
Will do.
Stars shining bright above you Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you" Have a nice day, Mr.
and Mrs.
Hollander.
- Afternoon.
- How Mrs.
Maisel.
- It's so good to see you.
- Hi, Antonio.
We were just saying we can't eat a black and white without thinking of you.
How we miss you.
The whole Weissman clan.
We miss you, too.
J-Jerry, look who the cat dragged in.
How are you, Mrs.
Maisel? I'm very well, Jerry.
What can we do for you? Take me to nine? Would that be all right? Of course.
Your old floor.
I'm feeling a little nostalgic.
Come with me.
You look healthy, Jerry.
- I swam.
- Oh, you're swimming? - Just the one time.
- Good for you.
I'll wait for you, Mrs.
Maisel.
Thank you, Jerry.
Say nighty-night and kiss me WOMAN: It's the second time I tripped over them.
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me WOMAN: This whole room looks like a pigsty.
Hello? (CHILDREN CHATTERING) Dream a little dream of me WOMAN: I'm gonna count to three.
One, two, three.
(CHILDREN SHOUTING, LAUGHING) WOMAN: both of you here anymore.
Your father is going to be in Missouri, and you'll be scrounging for food on the streets.
(CHILDREN PROTESTING) And you're going in for your nap, Ronald.
- Accept it.
- RONALD: Ah, Mom! WOMAN: Your nap is not optional.
- Ronald.
Ronald.
- JOEL: Midge? - Ronald! Now come on.
- Midge? - Wash your hands and get your jammies on.
- Midge? Your son is not cooperating! He's running around naked and the people across the way - can see! - ABE: Why is my grandson naked? JOEL: That is a question for your grandson, Abe.
He has a mind of his own.
ROSE: Oh, my God, he'll catch cold.
- Grab him! - JOEL: I soaped him up so he keeps slipping out of my grasp.
ABE: I got him.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
- I don't got him.
- ROSE: The neighbors are looking! JOEL: We should be charging for this.
Midge! We need you.
ROSE: Miriam, cut him off in the foyer! JOEL (LAUGHING): Midge! Midge! Hello? Oh, you scared me.
Although, I should be the one scaring you.
I pretty much broke in to your place.
It's okay, I think.
I used to live here, in this apartment.
My parents were upstairs.
I grew up here.
That's sweet.
It's a great place.
I'm gonna miss it.
- (KIDS SHOUTING) - Guys, please stop yelling! - You're moving? - My husband's a researcher, and he lives by grants, so we're nomads.
Next week, it's off to St.
Louis.
Okay, all you did was get louder! I'm sorry, I'll leave you be.
You've got your hands full.
No, no, stay if you want.
Look around some more.
- GIRL: I'm not a baby! - Can I see the kitchen? - It's all yours.
- BOY: Mom, Susan knocked the lamp over.
Your father's going to hear about this! Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you Sweet dreams that leave All worries behind you But in your dreams Whatever they be Dream a little dream Of me.
SUSIE: Sorry coming through.
No, don't get up.
Excuse me.
What are you looking at? - How's it going backstage? - (SIGHS) Sophie was chatting it up with Gavin and Moira.
Gave 'em each a bottle of scotch, wished them well.
Now she's having a weird, quiet moment.
She left her awful dogs at home.
So far, so good.
How are you feeling? I think I'm excited.
I think that's what this feeling is.
Good.
She put you through a lot, and you pulled this off.
This is your night as much as hers.
Now, enjoy it.
(DRAMATIC PIANO MUSIC) Oh, tonight, Miss Julie is crazy again.
Absolutely crazy.
(APPLAUSE) So you've returned.
I took the count to the station, and when I came back, I saw Miss Julie dancing with the gamekeeper.
And then she rushed up to me and asked me to dance the waltz with her.
She's crazy.
And always has been, but never the way it's been this last fortnight, since her engagement was broken.
- Do you know how it happened, Christine? - (WOMAN CLEARING THROAT) They were in the stable, and she was training him, as she called it.
She made him leap over her horse whip, the way you teach a dog to jump.
- (WOMAN CLEARING THROAT) - Hey, duchess, you ever hear of a cough drop? - Susie, shh.
- It's a classy fuckin' play.
Now, what do you have that's tasty, Christine? Oh, just some kidney that I cut out of the veal roast.
Ah, good.
Oh, Jean, won't you dance with me when I'm done? - Of course I will.
- Do you promise? Promise? When I say so, I do it.
Mm.
And thanks for the good food.
Tasted fine.
Is this supposed to be happening? Shh.
Very fine, indeed, Christine.
Tasted fine.
(QUIETLY): Come on, come on.
SOPHIE (AS JULIE): I'll be back in a minute, You go right on in the meantime.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Tell me, is it almost done, Christine? The ladies are having secrets, I believe.
That is for you, Jean.
Oh, what a delicious odor that violet has.
Mm, impudent.
So you understand perfumes also.
And know pretty well how to dance.
Do not peek.
No, no, no, go away.
Uh-oh.
GAVIN (AS JEAN): Is it some kind of witches' broth the ladies are cooking on Midsummer Eve? Something to tell fortunes by and bring out the lucky star in which one's future love is seen? (BARELY AUDIBLE): If you can see that, you have very good eyes indeed.
Is she supposed to be so quiet? No, you're supposed to be able to hear it.
(QUIETLY): Come dance with me, Jean.
(QUIETLY): I had promised to dance with Christine this time.
Well, Christine can get someone else, Gavin.
Did she say "Gavin"? Shit.
Shit.
(BARELY AUDIBLE) I don't want to be impolite, but I truly made a promise.
Now I can't hear him.
(QUIETLY) She can get somebody else.
(STRAINING QUIETLY) Louder.
Louder.
(LOUDLY) She can get somebody else, can't you, Christine? Will you let me borrow Jean from you? Huh? (LOUDLY): That isn't for me to say, Miss Julie.
Frankly speaking, is it wise for Miss Julie to dance twice with the same partner? People will start to talk.
What is that? What kind of talk? What do you mean? They sound like my grandparents.
GAVIN: It doesn't look well to prefer one servant to all the rest.
Prefer? What ideas! I am surprised.
I, the mistress of the house It's fine.
She's just projecting for the back row.
Yeah, of Yankee Stadium? and when it so happens I want to dance, I want to dance with one who knows how to lead so I am not made ridiculous.
GAVIN: As you command, Miss Julie.
I am at your service.
SOPHIE: Oh, don't take it as a command.
SUSIE: Aw, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck SOPHIE: Tonight, all rank should be forgotten.
Christine will make a pleasant wife.
Perhaps she snores, too.
No, she doesn't.
But she talks in her sleep.
- How do you know?! - (LAUGHTER) GAVIN: I've heard it.
Give me something to drink.
We have nothing but beer.
- Beer?! - (LAUGHTER) I didn't know you were serving breakfast.
(LAUGHTER) I can't watch.
I can't watch.
I can't not.
You want some for yourself? A polite gentleman should keep a lady company.
Wouldn't be proper in your presence.
Are you bashful, a big, grown-up man? (LAUGHTER) Tout suite.
Julie's thirsty.
- MAN: We love you, Sophie.
- WOMAN: We love you, Sophie.
To the health of my liege lady.
- Bravo! Ha ha! - (LAUGHTER) Ahh.
Now (BELCHES LOUDLY) (LAUGHTER) Kiss my shoe.
This part's in the play.
(LAUGHTER) Boop.
(LAUGHTER) - WOMAN: Kiss it! - MAN: Yeah, kiss it.
Well, it looks like someone was hungry for some moo shoe pork.
Huh? And unfortunately, I just left the stables.
Hey, don't worry, after the stables, I washed 'em off in a toilet.
(LAUGHTER) Put that on your plate, huh? The other day, I was hanging out by the cows, and one of the farmhands tried to milk me.
(LAUGHTER) And my last husband never kissed my shoe, but he always had a foot in his mouth.
Aw, it's so filthy here in the country.
My clothes are so dirty AUDIENCE: How dirty are they? My clothes are so dirty, my washboard needs a washboard.
- (LAUGHTER) - (SOPHIE CACKLES) - (BELLS RING) - Ooh.
The count is back.
You mean Count Dracula? Is that where you got that big hickey on your neck? - (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) - It wasn't me.
(LAUGHTER) Well, folks, we're close enough to the finish line, I think.
Everybody's sad, I go off to die.
Blah, blah, blah.
The end.
See ya! Susie, wait.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (DRAMATIC PIANO MUSIC) (ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERING) MAN: We love you, Sophie! Oh, thank you very much.
Oh Oh, look, you got Sophie's hay fever going.
Ah-choo! Thank you.
Oh.
GAVIN: I hate you.
Theater hates you! - Sophie.
- (AUDIENCE CHANTING): Sophie, Sophie Fucking stop.
Sophie, fucking stop! Hey! Hey, I got something for your flight.
What the fuck just happened? 'Cause I know you did not just trash that production.
I know I must have eaten some spoiled cheese or a hash brownie and hallucinated that on the opening night of your Broadway premiere, you chose to flush it all down the shitter.
What are you talking about? This is your fault.
My fault? I am the biggest comedy star in America, and you chose to dump that and have me act.
Act in this ridiculous farce of a play.
I had never even heard of Strindberg before I met you.
You should have stopped me.
You're my manager.
You fired Harry Drake because he stopped you from doing Strindberg, you whacko.
Remember? Just like he stopped Jerry Lewis from doing A Raisin in the Sun.
It's what a good manager does.
Goddamn it, Sophie.
You asked me to get you a shot.
I got you a shot and you chickened out.
You choked.
How dare you! I went out on a limb for you.
Bernie went out on a limb for you.
The investors went out on a limb for you.
Fucking asshole tennis-playing Milken went out on a limb for you! We got Gavin Hawk to star opposite you.
You were all conspiring against me.
- Hey, call Bellevue.
Tell 'em to bring a net.
- Especially you.
Why, Sophie? Why would I do that? For her.
You were trying to prop her up by bringing me down.
- Let's go.
- You're walking away from me? Yeah, I'm walking away.
Because you are nothing but a fraud, with your Jell-O and your stuck-up butler and your lemon wedges.
And you want to know what the really sad thing is, Sophie? You could have done it.
I watched you rehearse every single day, and you were good.
Fuck that, you were great.
A great fucking serious actress.
And you had it all right there in the palm of your hand, and all you had to do was have the guts to follow through and do it, and you didn't.
You fuckin' folded like a deck of cards.
- Harry knew.
- Harry knew what? That you didn't have the stuff to make it on Broadway.
He was no idiot.
He knew.
And I do not have to take you down for her.
You are not her competition.
You are not even in the same league.
She's got guts.
That is the difference between Midge Maisel and the great Sophie Lennon.
You're a star, for now, but she is gonna be a goddamn legend.
SUSIE: I'm setting those fuckin' birds loose the minute I get home.
I want to sink to the bottom with you I want to sink to the bottom with you The ocean is big and blue I just want to sink to the bottom with you Cars on the highway, planes in the air Everyone else is going somewhere But I'm going nowhere, getting there soon I might as well just Sink down with you I want to sink to the bottom With you I want to sink to the bottom with you The ocean is big and blue I just want to sink To the bottom with you And I just want to Out on the highway, up in the air Everyone else is going somewhere They're going nowhere, and I'll be there, too I might as well go under with you I want to sink to the bottom with you Sink to the bottom I want to sink to the bottom - With you - Sink to the bottom I just want to.
- What man? Who is it? A mean man, an angry man.
He says if you're not on the subway in ten minutes, - you'll be late.
- What time is it? "Get her ass on that fuckin' subway!" And that's one of the nicer things he said to me.
- Tell him I'm coming.
- What am I, your secretary? I'm coming! - Who's in the bathroom?! - And he thought I was a man.
- Moishe, get out of the bathroom! - Why in the world would he think I was a man? I'm coming, Susie, I'm coming! I will be on time, I promise! Susie? Who would name a boy Susie? Hands! Elbow! Foot! Lox? Hands! Go, go, go, go, go! Excuse me! Coming through! Morning.
- DICKIE: Right on time.
- Told ya.
- IRENE: Morning, guys.
- Hi, Irene.
Let's get a mic check.
- Mic check.
Uno, dos.
Uno, dos.
- Good for me, Dickie.
Let's do it.
Take it from the top, Midge.
- Housewife? - What else? Rolling.
MIDGE: "Paramus Ford has the best deals in town.
They're so good that even I can understand the savings and I'm a woman!" Perfecto.
Next.
"With its natural mildness and gorgeous aftertaste, more expectant mothers prefer Pall Mall cigarettes over any other brand".
- Can they prove that? - No idea.
Next.
"Run to buy hosiery that never runs, at B.
Altman's nylon sale.
Ends Thursday".
I used to work at B.
Altman.
Don't care.
Next.
"Bell Brothers Shoes is opening a brand-new Staten Island location, and we're opening with a bang".
- (POPPING BALLOON) - Holy fuck! - Sorry.
- No one told me about balloons.
That is seriously fucked up, Dickie! A little warning next time! The big balloon next to her head wasn't a tip-off? I'm gonna need a minute.
SUSIE: She's gonna need a minute now, Dickie.
This is very upsetting! Jesus Christ, she's so fragile.
- DICKIE: Great job.
- Thank you, sir.
- Sign here.
- Got another housewife spot at 12:30, you interested? We'll take it.
Five bucks, we can retire now.
This game is piecework.
You do a lot, you make a lot.
- Let's go.
- Later, guys.
See you at 12:30.
And don't be late! Come on.
- Ooh! - Oh! - Ooh! - Hey! SUSIE: Studio B! Midge Maisel, here for her 9:00.
Nice and punctual.
Here's the script.
Thank you, sir.
It's a spot for a business in the Bronx.
- I'm playing a four-year-old girl? - Guess so.
Why didn't you just get a four-year-old girl? They can't read.
Check the mic.
(LITTLE GIRL VOICE): One-two, one-two, I'm a little girl.
There's my next source of nightmares.
So it's just you today.
We fill in the dad part later.
- Got it.
- Rolling.
"Look at that.
I want it".
Sounds good.
Next line? "It's so big, Daddy".
(NORMAL VOICE): Wait.
- What.
- Is this pornography? - It's not pornography.
- Sounds like pornography.
It's not pornography.
Keep going, from the last line.
(LITTLE GIRL VOICE): "It's so big, Daddy.
I want to lick it".
(NORMAL VOICE): This is pornography.
- Definitely pornography.
- No, no, look, she's a kid out with her dad, he's buying her an ice cream bar.
- At a cathouse.
- Not at a cathouse.
- This is pornography.
- It's not pornography! Hey, that's my competition! It's piecework, Dickie.
You do a lot, you make a lot.
12:30, don't forget.
- Hands.
- Belt buckle.
- Breath.
- Heel.
- Tuna fish? - Elbow.
- Hat.
- Cab? - Cab.
- Fart.
Hands.
(CAR HONKING) Hey, keep it running.
Wait for us.
MIDGE: "Soft and gentle, so comfortable, and so easy to carry.
A month's supply fits easily into your purse.
So try Pursettes, ladies.
No one will ever know who came to visit".
PAT: Well done.
- Thank you, Mrs.
Maisel.
- MIDGE: You're very welcome.
- Thanks, Susie.
- All I need is the check.
PAT: The check? I thought you understood how the compensation was gonna work.
- I'll get the door.
- I'll get the door.
(GRUNTS) You told everybody these things were easy to carry.
Hey! For the record, they said nothing about paying us in tampons.
A lifetime supply.
Would they do this to a man, huh? Would they pay him whatever a tampon equivalent is for a guy? Men don't even have a tampon equivalent.
Men suck.
Got enough to get the Rockettes to menopause.
I'll make it work.
These things must have a street value.
You are not selling tampons on the street.
I'll do what I got to do.
Downtown, driver.
- MIDGE: I'm starving.
- SUSIE: Sorry.
- MIDGE: Food.
- SUSIE: Later.
Look out! - Oh! - Coming through.
Midge, this is Pete Drummond.
He owns Pete's Mortuary Services in Brooklyn, and this is Mrs.
Drummond.
Nice to meet you, Mr.
Drummond, Mrs.
Drummond.
- Likewise.
- Nice to meet you.
Hey, I assume you're past the point of needing these? DICKIE: Pete wrote the spot.
I'll let him fill you in on what he's looking for.
MIDGE: Wonderful.
It's a husband and wife dealing with the death of a loved one.
It's such a sensitive matter, and the performances need to reflect that sensitivity.
Absolutely.
It's the most sensitive matter there is.
- Let's try one.
- Rolling.
DICKIE: Any time, guys.
- "Dad's dead".
- (LAUGHING) I am so sorry.
- This isn't funny.
- MIDGE: I know, it just weirdly struck me as funny.
I'm so, so sorry.
- Shall we try it again, Midge? - MIDGE: Absolutely.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - "Dad's dead, and he was my hero".
"Mine, too.
What do we do? It's such a confusing time".
JOHNNY: "Let's call Pete's Mortuary Services".
MIDGE: "Good idea.
They'll have a slab for Dad".
(LAUGHING): I'm sorry, is this not supposed to be funny? It's not supposed to be funny, Midge.
It's about a man who's passed away.
I'm sorry.
This is so disrespectful.
I'm good.
- Let's try again.
- Just take it from the last couple lines.
Still rolling.
"Let's call Pete's Mortuary Services".
"Good idea.
They'll have a slab for Dad".
"And they'll come to you, wherever you are".
"It's such a comfort to know that Dad will Rest in Pete's".
(LAUGHING) - (CHUCKLING) - Let's take five.
Hey! Door, door, door, door, door, door, door.
"Ladies, stay fit and trim the easy way, with amphetamines, the pleasantest way to reduce".
And cut.
Great job, Midge.
Hey, you got any? - Food? - Food.
This week we're on par to make about what we made last week, - 35 bucks or so.
- Not bad.
Gross.
Net, food and cabs ate up half of that.
What're you looking at me for? You eat, too.
- No more cabs.
- Susie.
They're eating up our profits.
It was your idea to take a cab today.
And it was a bad idea.
No more cabs.
Without cabs, I show up looking gross and sweaty.
It's fucking radio.
It doesn't matter how you look.
But I'll feel bad, and if I feel bad, it'll show up in my voice.
Okay, but we cannot lose money doing this.
This is supposed to sustain us until we go back out on tour.
- Hopefully, that'll be soon.
- Mm.
What a time for Shy Baldwin to get "exhaustion".
The guy doesn't even tie his own fucking shoes, - how exhausted can he be? - I don't know.
- Pressures of stardom, I guess.
- It's been two months.
He should be rested by now.
We need ketchup.
Be right back.
Saturday, nickel on the Tigers, a dime each on the Cards and the Reds.
- Cards and the Reds? - Yeah.
You know they're playing each other.
- I know.
- You're betting against yourself.
- I got a system.
- Everyone's got a system.
Mine works.
I got to go.
- Come on.
- What happened to the ketchup? I changed my mind.
Grab it to go.
"Parker makes a girl-sized pen for my girl-sized hands".
Got it.
"The flowers at Fleishman's are never droopy.
Trust me, she expects you to get fresh".
Got it.
"Toffenetti's is the cathedral of restaurants.
We're famous for our ham".
- Got it.
- You're done, Midge.
(SUSIE AND MIDGE SNORING) We didn't want to leave the theater.
Nobody did.
We floated home, like dandelions, just floating across the East River.
- Morning, everyone.
- OTHERS: Morning.
We were just telling your parents about a wonderful show we saw last night.
- Bye Bye Birdie.
You seen it? - Heard of it.
It's spectacular, a masterpiece.
So many wonderful melodies, and they just keep running through my head.
La-di-di, la-di-di-di, la-di-dah I don't think that's one of them, but it does have some nice tunes.
- It sounds very nice.
- MOISHE: And that actress, - Chita Rivera.
(PURRS) - Oh, Moishe.
Good thing I wear my pants loose in the crotch.
Know what I mean? - Unfortunately.
- MOISHE: Probably not your cup of tea, though, right, Abe? Bye Bye Birdie? I know nothing about the show, Moishe.
MOISHE: Yes, but I know you, and I know you wouldn't like Bye Bye Birdie because Bye Bye Birdie is entertaining.
- I know nothing about the show.
- Well, it's a masterpiece.
I'm sure it's a piece of something.
Tonight, we go to a movie, it's supposed to be cute, Where The Boys Are.
I'll tell you where the boys are.
Attached to the thing that was saluting Chita Rivera in Bye Bye Birdie last night.
(PURRS) You guys are hitting the town a lot these days.
Well, it's always nice to venture out, what with the close quarters here.
We'll be out of your hair soon, Moishe, I promise.
I will be, too, Moishe, it really is just temporary.
Look, we're fine with what's happening here.
We're family, but your father, he's being stubborn.
I offered to put key money up for an apartment for them, but he wouldn't hear of it.
We don't need your money, Moishe.
MOISHE: You just fired your maid of 20 years and you cried when you did it.
I saw you cry.
I don't need your money because I just completed my Abe and Rose "End of Days" calculations.
Now that they're done, we can find a place, get Zelda back part-time, and we'll be fine.
I'm afraid to ask.
He's worked so hard on this.
Explain it, Abe.
It's quite simple: I've added up our projected pension and social security payments, matched them to our expenses, adjusted for inflation, and calculated the numbers of years your mother and I get to live.
Get to live? - For me, it's the age of 67.
- But you're 62, so - I have to die in five years.
- This is morbid.
I get to live till I'm 69, assuming I don't get hit by a bus.
Now, obviously, if I die early, say at age 65, then those two years can be added to your mother's.
- ROSE: So I'll get to live till I'm 71.
- ABE: Either which way, - I need to be dead by 1965.
- Mm.
Need any help - (LAUGHS) - La-di-di, la-di-di-dah La-di-di-dah Third base line, fifth row.
Best seats you've ever had.
- What did I do to deserve this? - What did you do? I was able to reach you after offering them to six other people who turned me down.
- I'm touched, really.
- (ARCHIE WHISTLING) DON: Hey, there he is.
I heard you were camping here.
- Just for the time being, Donny.
- DON: Time being? - I heard two months.
- But he's at home all the time.
For the kids.
I'm there to put them to bed, I am there when they wake up, I am there for every meal, even snacks.
It's just when Imogene goes to bed, I come here and go to bed.
With Joel? That's weird.
Not in his bed.
In that bed.
With Ethan? That's weirder.
Not when Ethan's here.
When he's here, I lay out fabric on the floor and make a pillow out of bolts of cloth.
- That's weird, too.
- ARCHIE: I can't keep explaining it, Donny.
They're gonna patch it up any day, Don.
- That's the point.
- Any day.
I hope so 'cause it's weird.
Got to pick up charcoal for our barbecue this weekend.
- See you tonight, Joel.
- Yeah, see you, Arch.
In case you were wondering, this is why you were my seventh call.
- (METALLIC CLANGING) - (MAN SHOUTING) Uh, Joel.
- What happened? - He walked headfirst into the pipe.
It was sitting there plain as day where it always is, and he walked right into it.
- How hard you hit? - Am I dead? - No.
- Then not hard enough.
- Come on, let's stand you up.
- I didn't do anything.
- What? - The night she kicked me out.
You were there, I did nothing.
And not just 'cause you socked me in the face.
- I know, Arch.
- I love her, Joel.
I love Imogene so much.
I miss her.
Well, have you told her? It's so cold between us.
I can't.
- It'll change.
- She was my first.
- There's never been anyone else.
- Never? - Never.
- That's weird.
- Can you help in some way? - I'll get some water.
- She'll come around.
- She won't.
- She will.
She misses you, too.
- Did you talk to her? Did Midge? No, but of course she does.
- I'll see you tonight.
- See you tonight.
After I read the kids a story.
I'll make us some tea.
(ALARM CLOCK RINGING) (GROANS) - Good morning.
- Good morning.
CHESTER: Good morning.
- SUSIE: Good morning, Chester.
- Sounded like you slept well.
- Was I snoring? - CHESTER: Or asphyxiating.
Either way, I liked it.
How would you like your eggs today, Chester? Raw.
Okay, Jackie, first, how the fuck you figured subletting to another person while I was gone was appropriate, I don't know.
Second, you sub-sublet to a guy - who's practically stalking me.
- JACKIE: He didn't say he knew you.
Thought it would be a deal breaker.
Crisscross.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello? SOPHIE (OVER PHONE): I'm excited.
Sophie, hi.
Not as excited as I was for that ménage à trois with Vincent Price and Ethel Merman, but close.
Lovely.
- Open your door.
- Open my door? I've sent you a token.
- Jackie, open the door.
- I think you'll like them.
I hunted and hunted and finally found the perfect pair.
- Holy shit.
- What is it? Fucking birds.
We got the birds.
- This is a no-pet household.
- Shh.
The birds sing, as you have given me the gift of song.
Allowing my voice to soar freely.
It really wasn't necessary.
- It's not fair if she gets to keep them.
- I'll deal with this.
Look, Chester had a cat, but I wouldn't allow it, and he couldn't find someone to take it, so he had to drown it in the Hudson.
Did you read Walter Winchell last night? About the buzz surrounding Miss Julie? No.
Uh, that's great.
- He said there's buzz? - Oh I don't know why it took me this long to trod the boards again.
You are the real thing, Sophie.
You came through.
As did you, my little bird.
I'll see you at the opening, and we'll take that bow together.
And by "we", I mean me.
See you at the opening.
Bye.
I'm going to the opening of Miss Julie, too.
You fucking are not.
("YOU'D BE SO NICE TO COME HOME TO" BY HELEN MERRILL PLAYING) You'd be so nice To come home to You'd be so nice By the fire While the breeze On high Sang a lullaby You'd be all Oh, look at that.
- What.
- There, on the floor.
- Is that a dollar? - I think it is.
You don't see that every day.
Poor sap's gonna miss it when he realizes he doesn't have it.
I don't know, it's only a dollar.
Yeah, it's only a dollar.
ANNOUNCER: 59th Street This is me.
See you back at the asylum.
Hurry, before the door closes.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER) Your tea, Mrs.
Weissman, and an apricot rugelach on the house.
You remembered.
Thank you, Darla.
You're not in as much as before, Mrs.
Weissman.
Yes, well, we decided to give up our apartment.
So big, so drafty.
So now we're in a wonderful house in Forest Hills.
- Do you know it? - That's Queens, isn't it? Yes, it's Queens.
Here, Darla.
I'll pay now, so you can go about your tasks.
- I'll bring your change.
- Thank you.
Rose Weissman? Such a stranger.
Oh, hello, Corinne.
How are you? - I'm well.
And you? - Astrid had her baby.
- Boy or girl? - His bris is tomorrow.
Mazel tov.
When was the last time we saw each other? (GASPS) Not since the Benjamin debacle.
Oh, they came so close.
Yes, so close.
CORINNE: Boy, were we all stunned.
Benjamin Ettenberg, the Holy Grail of bachelors, head over heels in love.
So quickly: marriage, a townhouse.
A townhouse? For him and Miriam? Big enough for a family.
So gorgeous.
I didn't know.
Well, maybe Miriam didn't know, either.
- Oh, I just feel so foolish.
- Why? I was the one who pushed the two of them together.
- Such a stupid thing.
- Stupid? Please.
- After your track record? - What track record? Remember, you put the Heifetz boy with the Feinstein girl? Just suggested it at canasta, - and now they have three kids.
- That was one time.
CORINNE: In the Catskills, you told Sara Halpern to dance with Mel Kleinman, and now they're married with one on the way.
The list goes on and on.
Really, Corinne, they're all just shots in the dark.
Well, then you're the Annie Oakley of matchmaking.
If you could only help my Shira.
She's still on the market? - She's day-old bread.
- Oh, Corinne.
Well, what can you do? At least there'll be someone to look after me in my old age.
It was nice to see you, Rose.
Say hello to Abe? I will.
- The butcher's boy.
- Beg pardon? - Melvin Goldfarb.
- He was studying law.
Then he turned to veterinary medicine.
I didn't know.
And your daughter has all those cats.
Six, and a dog, and a pot-bellied pig.
You're a natural, Rose.
I'm taking her shopping.
ROSE: Corinne? How many floors to Benjamin's townhouse? Four, at least, and a yard, and now it's on the market, discounted.
So gorgeous.
Bye, Rose.
Buh-bye.
(BELLS TOLLING) Simon! Simon! (CHUCKLES) Hello.
I got to go.
Simon! Simon, wait.
Simon! Excuse me.
Simon, wait! It's me, Abe.
Wait! Simon! It's Abe Weissman! Wait! Simon! Simon! Simon! (CHUCKLING): Abe.
- What a surprise.
- Hello, Simon.
I thought I'd never catch up to you.
You're in very good shape.
I play a little squash.
So what can I do for you? Nothing.
I was just taking a stroll around campus for old times' sake and I happened to spot you.
Lucky me.
- How's the family? - There he is.
That's him.
SIMON: Oh, everyone's fit as a fiddle.
- And, uh, your wife? - SECURITY GUARD: Sir? - She's well? - Uh, sure.
We should get together, - the four of us.
- We should, we really should.
Before 1965, if possible.
I really have to go now, Abe.
I don't want to keep you.
I just wanted to say hello.
Hello.
Bye.
(LOCK CLICKS) All right, then, gang.
Now let's roll up our sleeves and see if we can tackle these vector identities.
Abbie, why are you working out this section with a Levi-Civita symbol? Let us in on your methodology here.
Hello, everyone.
Professor Weissman.
- Hello, Professor Weissman.
- Hope I'm not disturbing you.
- I just wanted to stop by.
- But not to teach? - That's right, not to teach.
- (SIGHS) So good to see all of you.
How are you doing? Truman, you look well.
Your complexion, it's so clear.
I've been sleeping wonderfully since well, I last saw you.
Good to hear.
Sleep is very important.
- And Kevin.
- Lance.
- You're holding yourself well.
- I'm taking boxing lessons.
- Really? - So that no one will ever pick on me again.
Wonderful.
I wouldn't want anyone to do that.
And Abbie, you're still here? - Y-Yes, sir.
- Okay.
Well, these are great boys, Professor.
They all deserve their place here, all but six.
And I just want you to know, all the angst that pervaded this room, all the tsuris it caused, it was me.
I made you sweat.
I made you nervous.
I made you break out in hives and run home to your mommies.
For the record, I didn't run.
I didn't.
My ego got in the way.
Teaching is an act of generosity, and I was miserly.
But I can't say that I haven't missed the joy of Socratic debate with you all.
The pleasure one gets in witnessing young minds striving for truth, the singular wonder of it, the joy of personal discovery, with freedom to make mistakes and learn from them.
But I think this change of pace was good for you men.
I see now that this isn't where I belong.
It's where you belong.
Besides him, him, him, him, him, and him.
Goodbye I'll leave you to it, Professor.
I'll leave you to it.
- Goodbye, Professor Weissman.
- Goodbye, Professor Weissman.
Goodbye, Professor Weissman.
Take care of yourself, sir.
Goodbye Goodbye, boys.
Happy lives.
Goodbye.
"It's simply the most flavorful syrup in the whole wide world.
Pour it on your pancakes, your waffle, your French toast.
Smack your lips and ask for more.
Karo Pancake Syrup.
It's so good.
So good.
So good!" THOMASON: And cut.
We're happy, very happy.
Thank you, Mrs.
Maisel.
You're so welcome.
- She did a great job.
- Thanks, Thomason.
All we need is the check and we're on our way.
THOMASON: The check? I thought you understood how the compensation was gonna work.
This is heavier than the tampons.
I think mine's leaking.
You have got to read the contracts.
I read the contract.
This was not in the contract.
I'm a comedian.
When do I go back to being a comedian? - Open the door.
- No, you open the door.
(GRUNTS) It's running down my pants.
- I'll open the door.
- Shit.
I got pancake syrup running down the inside of my pants.
- It's gonna stain.
- Fuck.
My thighs are sticking to each other.
"It's just off the Van Wyck Expressway".
Then I'm heading for Ludlows Menswear.
Manhattan vices at Brooklyn prices".
And we're out.
Good job, guys.
- Come on back in.
- That's it for today.
Your girl free tomorrow night? She's not going out with you, Dickie.
- For a spot, a live spot.
- A live spot? Fun.
For what? Some lady politician is sponsoring a live radio event and she wants live commercials, too.
A woman running for office.
I love that.
IRENE: She wants a wholesome-sounding husband and wife to read whatever the copy is, - and we thought of you two.
- I'm in.
- Me, too.
- Does it pay? And not in tampons or corn syrup? - It pays.
- SUSIE: We'll do it.
- See you, gang.
- IRENE: Bye, guys.
Hey, don't leave your syrup.
Eh, put it on your pancakes.
It's so good! WOMAN (OVER P.
A.
): Paging Dr.
Rosenthal.
Please report to Urology.
Dr.
Rosenthal to Urology, please.
Hello, Maureen.
How are you this fine spring day? You're behind schedule, Dr.
Ettenberg.
That's not the right answer, Maureen.
- I'm very fine, Doctor.
- That's better.
- And I promise to catch up.
- You always promise.
Benjamin.
Mrs.
Weissman? - ROSE: Hello.
- Uh, what-what're you doing here? Oh, Benjamin, I feel so sick.
Well, good thing you're at the hospital, that's kind of what we specialize in.
ROSE: No, Benjamin, I'm sick with guilt, about you and Miriam, about pushing the two of you together.
- Oh, Mrs.
Weissman - About getting your hopes up and uprooting your life and causing you to make plans that didn't pan out because of her, because I set you up with her.
- It's all my fault.
- No, no, Mrs.
Weissman I didn't understand how serious this phase was that Miriam was going through, this comedy thing.
My timing was off.
You're being too hard on yourself.
Miriam was just not the right girl for you.
She was weird, yes, but there's weird and there's weird.
And I thought I knew which weird she was, - but apparently I didn't.
- Rose.
Midge was the right kind of weird for me.
She was? Look, I've been with a lot of women - I'd heard that.
- Not an excessive amount.
- Oh, no, of course not.
- But enough to have experience - A lot of experience.
- But less than many others.
- I'm sure that's true.
- What I'm trying to say is that you have nothing, nothing, to feel guilty about.
Really? Midge was right for me.
I just was not right for her.
You're not just saying that? You did a nice thing, Rose, a very nice thing, and you are very sweet for coming here today.
Have a very good life, Benjamin.
Will you do that? I will.
Benjamin, did you really buy a townhouse for the two of you? Yes, but don't worry, I'm very rich.
That isn't helping.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) MOISHE: Can you get that, Abe? It's probably for me.
- Then why don't you get it? - 'Cause I'm in the other room.
Then just come in here and get it yourself.
MOISHE: I'm not wearing pants.
- I'll get it.
- Thank you.
Maisel residence.
MAN (OVER PHONE): Hello.
I'm calling for Abe Weissman.
- Asher, it's Abe.
- Oh, hello, Abe.
This is a surprise.
What surprise? You sent me that thing you wrote for me to read.
- That was two months ago.
- I thought it was a bill.
So you finally got around to reading it? Yup.
Twice.
- You went to my play.
- I did.
I specifically told you not to go to my play.
So shoot me, I'm a rebel.
And then you write about it, my play, my other plays.
Me! A lot of this is about me.
- It's all about you.
- I told you not to go.
Asher, you were in this play.
- Come again? - Your lead character, the carpenter, you spoke through him.
It was powerful.
It moved me.
Now, the actor I saw did the whole thing shirtless - Dumb choice.
- and he power-sawed a two-by-four during the soliloquy, you could barely hear it.
- God, I hate actors.
- But the whole thing reminded me of who you are and what theater should be.
Broadway today, it's run by bean counters, cowards.
It should be more.
- The people deserve more.
- Abe Your play is a masterpiece.
Bye Bye Birdie is not a masterpiece.
- MOISHE: Yes, it is.
- Stop listening, Moishe.
Abe, I read your piece.
You don't need to read me your piece.
I'm sorry.
Look, before I try to publish it, I want your consent.
It's important.
You're my friend.
Abe (SIGHS) It-It's a nice piece of writing, but it hits too close to home.
There's too much me, and my-my privacy is sacred, - you know that.
- I do.
So I-I can't give you my consent, I-I just can't.
I-I hope you understand.
Old friend, that's why I sent it to you, - to get your okay.
- Thank you.
I'm gonna try to publish it anyway.
- What? - These things need to be heard.
Then why the hell did you ask me for my consent? Because I wanted your consent.
It's probably not gonna be published.
No, Abe, it's a good piece.
It makes important points.
- It might get published.
- So you agree with it? I never said I didn't agree with it.
I just said I would rather that it wasn't published.
It probably won't be published.
It's a good piece.
It might get published.
- So you agree with it.
- I never said I didn't! It's probably not gonna happen.
It might! It's good! - It's very good! - So you like it.
We're going around in goddamn circles here, Abe.
(SIGHS) I never asked you to resurrect my life.
I know, but I have to try.
It probably won't be published.
It's a good piece.
It might get published.
So you think it's good? Never said it wasn't good.
It probably won't get published.
(HORN HONKS) (CANARIES SINGING) Mm-hmm.
(PHONE RINGING) Susie Myerson and Associates.
Hold, please.
I'm gonna start charging for this.
(CLEARS THROAT) Susie Myerson.
TESSIE: Hey, Susie, it's me.
I've been trying to get you.
Tess.
What is it? It's Mom.
She's bad.
Really bad.
Shit.
Her heart? And her lungs, and her liver.
Most of the time, she doesn't even know who I am.
Sis, I'm so sorry.
She needs 24-hour care, Suz, and I got to work.
We're talking nursing home? We're talking nursing home.
Hey, I learned to swim.
- No way.
Get out of here.
- In Florida.
I mean, I'm not Esther Williams or anything, but I'm not half bad.
I lost my virginity in a swimming pool.
- You lost it in a few different places.
- (TESSIE LAUGHS) - In the school gym, at the automat.
- (WOMAN SINGING) - (LAUGHING): In synagogue.
- (LAUGHING): Stop laughing.
- You stop laughing.
- (TESSIE LAUGHS) - (KNOCKING) - Jackie, get that.
- I'm not your maid.
- Look in the mirror.
Tess, I got to go.
Oh, oh, wait.
One more thing.
Just so you know, Artie's eyeing Mom's house, and my husband's talking about moving his mother in because it was our mother's place, and somehow that makes it logical or something.
- What did you tell them? - Call Susie.
And that's that.
I'll talk to you later.
- (KNOCKING) - Thanks for nothing.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd you know where I live? I know where all our customers live.
You got 40 bucks due.
- That's today? - That's today.
Okay, okay.
(CLEARS THROAT) Um I've got $30.
I need $40.
Jackie, you owe me ten bucks.
- Give it to Junior.
- Right.
I got seven, but Chester owes me three.
Chester, you owe me three bucks.
Give it to Junior.
I've got two.
But the newsstand guy owes me a buck.
- Hey, Coop! - COOP: Yeah.
- I need that buck.
- All right, here you go.
Thanks, Coop.
Here you go.
Thanks, Chester.
Here you go.
Thanks, Jackie.
Here you go.
Got it.
Hey, remember that talk we had about not being friends? - Yeah.
- Well, if you were my friend, I would tell you that if you need a bucket brigade to cobble up scratch, it might be time to slow down the gambling a little.
But you're not my friend.
(CANARIES SINGING) (SUSIE SIGHS) Moishe, bris first, food after.
I know, I know.
I don't want you upsetting the rabbi.
The rabbi's happy enough I'm wearing pants.
I'm wearing pants, Rabbi! Oh, hey.
Happy.
So glad you could make it.
Don't be scared.
Chip, Greta, come on in.
Don't be scared.
(CHUCKLES) Paula! Hello.
You don't know me, but I have a piece published in today's New York Times.
- Please take one.
- ASTRID: Hi.
Don't be scared.
The written word can change the world.
- Oh, it's okay.
Don't be scared.
- Oh, Cousin Levi.
Has your health improved? I got two more operations coming up.
Maybe this will help.
I wrote a piece for the New York Times.
Enjoy.
The written word can change the world.
And get better, Levi.
Papa, I know you're proud, but you are an integral part of your grandson's bris.
- Peddle your papers later.
- Okay.
RABBI KRINSKY: I have an announcement, everyone.
Listen up.
I know it's a workday, and everyone wants to get started with our Weissman bris, but we're three short of a minyan, which means that we cannot begin the prayers.
So I'm afraid we'll have to wait.
We'll round up some Jews for you, Rabbi.
- Don't say, "Round up Jews".
- I know.
It sounded wrong.
There's nothing to be nervous about.
Almost all boys are circumcised.
I mean, you are, aren't you, Cousin Nicholas? - Uh, sure.
- Well, I know.
You showed me a lot.
(LAUGHS) I don't-don't think it was a lot.
Oh, it was.
Anyhow, the only difference is, this just isn't in a hospital, so the instruments aren't necessarily sterile, and the doctor is a man called a "mohel", who has no medical training, nope.
But it's all right because they give the baby wine, so it's drunk.
Oh, and you know what's funny? I had a dream last night that I was slicing carrots, and I cut off the tip of my finger, and it just bled and bled and bled and bled.
And then I woke up, and it was fine, so - Okay! We got a minyan! - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) And it's my son who closed the deal.
Meet Jacob milkman extraordinaire and a son of Israel.
Ha! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Thank you, Levi Feldman, for leading us in the shaharith.
Now, as you've all noticed, the baby's father Noah is unfortunately not with us today.
He was called overseas at the last minute on urgent business.
Yes, but not for the CIA or anything.
Nope.
RABBI KRINSKY: But he gave us his blessing to proceed.
And that we will do with aplomb.
I'd like to welcome Mohel David Rosenbaum to begin the Brit Milah.
Thank you, Rabbi Krinsky.
- Good morning, everyone.
- ALL: Good morning.
It's an honor to be here today.
I'm hoping this goes better than my last one.
There's nothing funny about a mohel with hiccups.
- (LAUGHTER) - There was another time I had slept badly the night before, and I admit, I was a little snippy.
Oh.
Oh.
(LAUGHS) We've had funnier mohels, I can tell you that.
All right, which one you think's goin' down? JOEL: Easy.
The tall guy in back.
MOISHE: I'm going with the lady in blue.
Abraham Weissman, would you come join us, please? (ASTRID SIGHS) And Astrid, if you please? Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
ASTRID: Oh.
How does it feel, Abe? Well, I never imagined they would publish the piece this quickly.
With hardly any editing.
It's wonderful.
I meant to be holding your grandson.
- Well, that's good, too.
- Mm.
Let's proceed.
(LOUD GASPING) - Mm.
- (THUDS) (QUIETLY): Yes.
Here goes nothin'.
(BABY SCREAMS) - ALL: Mazel tov! - (BABY CRIES) Yours didn't technically go down.
Because those party poopers caught her.
If they hadn't caught her, she would have crumpled - like a sack of potatoes.
- My guy fell clean.
I win.
- It's a tie.
Accept a tie.
- No way, no way.
And how did you pick the name, Astrid? Well, first name "Chaim" for Abe's father, middle name "Christian" for my grandfather.
It's unusual.
The combination.
Can I get you anything, sweetie? Uh, could you see if there's been a telegram from Bahrain? - Will do.
- Thank you.
(INDISTINCT CROWD CHATTER) She really named the child "Chaim Christian"? She really did.
Who in the world besides Astrid would do that? Sammy Davis, Jr.
, but that's why we love her.
"The United States is an island of freedom, achievement and prosperity.
Nothing's more precious than our American way of life".
- Pretty hokey.
- What is it? It's the commercial I'm doing tonight.
It's live, so I want to be ready for it.
You want to run lines with me? You can be my husband.
Phyllis Schlafly? Yeah.
She's a woman.
She's running for something or other.
Congress.
In Illinois.
- You know her? - Of course I do.
I've been published in The New York Times.
This is not a good woman.
How so? She's a right-wing nutjob.
She's come out against Nixon.
Great.
We don't like Nixon.
Because she thinks he's too left-wing.
That doesn't sound real.
She also said that Eisenhower only got in office because of "secret kingmakers" in New York.
I'm not sure if you know what ethnicity she's referring to with the words "kingmakers" and "New York", but one of them just got part of his penis cut off.
Well, then she's an idiot.
She's not.
That's what makes her dangerous.
This is who you're doing a commercial for? Well It's a paycheck.
Okay.
(SIGHS) If you're going to have a voice, you'd better be careful what that voice says.
MIDGE: "With God on our side, this country will prevail against the tides - of the Soviet threat".
- JOHNNY: Agreed.
- Less than two minutes, Irene.
- Got it.
DICKIE: So the main broadcast is happening down the hall.
When they give me the signal, they'll throw it to us, we do our thing, we got 90 seconds, then we throw it back.
This is so exciting.
Live broadcasts are the best.
Let's test that sound.
JOHNNY: This is Johnny, one-two, one-two.
That works.
Midge? Midge? Sorry.
Uh, one-two, one-two.
I guess that'll suffice.
Your girl drink too much Karo Syrup last night? - Where's her energy? - She'll be up for the broadcast, Dickie.
Don't wet your panties.
- 60 seconds to air.
- So the point is to sound super wholesome.
Think freckled-faced, blonde-haired kids, picket fences, ice cream socials.
You know, they want you to sound like - America.
- Right.
Like America.
Questions? - Nope.
- Excellent.
Midge? Midge? I can't.
I'm sorry.
What was that? I can't do this.
This woman, this Schlafly woman she's awful.
I stopped by the library.
I looked her up.
She is racist and sexist and she uses way too much hairspray.
I don't want to speak for her.
I'm sorry, what did she say? (FORCED LAUGHTER) Not the best time to be joking around like this, Midge.
These comedians, they make jokes and sometimes - they don't know where the line is.
- I'm not joking.
I'm not doing this.
- And you shouldn't either.
- Dickie? Susie? Help, please.
Uh, Miriam? Step up to the mic and say the words.
Then I will buy you a hat.
30 seconds, Dickie.
Susie, do you have any idea how horrible this woman is? I think everybody's horrible.
Not as horrible as her.
But she's paying you, which makes me like her.
So say the goddamn words.
Sorry.
I'm out.
IRENE: 15 seconds, Dickie.
Miriam, you just recorded a spot for a massage parlor in Newark.
Do you know how many greasy hand jobs happen on a daily basis at a massage parlor in Newark? This is on a whole different scale.
This is a giant greasy hand job.
IRENE: I'm getting the countdown, Dickie.
In five.
- Four.
Three.
- Just a reminder, it's live! - Miriam.
- Two.
"America the land of promise.
Honey, do you ever think about the kind of world you want our kids to inherit?" (PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Talk, goddamn it.
Shit.
Uh "It's all I can think about when I look into their sweet, innocent faces - and their big blue eyes".
- "But there are so many forces working to usurp us".
SUSIE: "I know, dear.
Like foreigners and Communists who don't even think we should fly the American flag outside our little house".
"There's nothing wrong with taking pride in the Stars and Stripes.
Here, lean in, honey".
"Oh, I love it when you rub my nose".
"And there's nothing wrong with taking pride in our country's might".
"I was just explaining to little Timmy this morning that the atomic bomb is a marvelous gift that was given to our country by God".
Holy fuck, this woman's a monster.
That's what I was saying.
What the hell is going on here? - Plus, the segues are terrible.
- Irene! "Did you also tell the children that we can't let certain well-financed minorities determine America's future?" - What the fuck? - Where are we? We really have to start reading these contracts.
I did, and it said nothing about this woman being Satan.
JOHNNY: " that we can't let certain well-financed minorities determine America's future?" Yes, I did, dear.
I told them to brush their teeth and to not let certain well-financed minorities, um, have futures.
Something like that? America, yay! I'm sorry, where are we? And, we're out.
So, does this pay cash or check or flags? This woman's a monster.
Yeah, sorry, Mama, this place is just not right for you guys.
I still can't figure out how that pigeon got in.
I'm guessing the bathroom window that's stuck open.
- ROSE: Who is that? - It's the real estate agent, Joan.
Hi, Mrs.
Weissman.
Sorry about the pigeon.
We'll find you the right apartment, Mama.
This is New York, there's a million of them.
All right.
Bye.
It's a tough market.
Especially in their price range.
- I'll keep looking.
- Thanks.
You all used to live right up the street there, didn't you? - At 385? - Used to.
Such a beautiful building.
Well, tell your mother not to worry.
We'll find something.
Will do.
Stars shining bright above you Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you" Have a nice day, Mr.
and Mrs.
Hollander.
- Afternoon.
- How Mrs.
Maisel.
- It's so good to see you.
- Hi, Antonio.
We were just saying we can't eat a black and white without thinking of you.
How we miss you.
The whole Weissman clan.
We miss you, too.
J-Jerry, look who the cat dragged in.
How are you, Mrs.
Maisel? I'm very well, Jerry.
What can we do for you? Take me to nine? Would that be all right? Of course.
Your old floor.
I'm feeling a little nostalgic.
Come with me.
You look healthy, Jerry.
- I swam.
- Oh, you're swimming? - Just the one time.
- Good for you.
I'll wait for you, Mrs.
Maisel.
Thank you, Jerry.
Say nighty-night and kiss me WOMAN: It's the second time I tripped over them.
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me WOMAN: This whole room looks like a pigsty.
Hello? (CHILDREN CHATTERING) Dream a little dream of me WOMAN: I'm gonna count to three.
One, two, three.
(CHILDREN SHOUTING, LAUGHING) WOMAN: both of you here anymore.
Your father is going to be in Missouri, and you'll be scrounging for food on the streets.
(CHILDREN PROTESTING) And you're going in for your nap, Ronald.
- Accept it.
- RONALD: Ah, Mom! WOMAN: Your nap is not optional.
- Ronald.
Ronald.
- JOEL: Midge? - Ronald! Now come on.
- Midge? - Wash your hands and get your jammies on.
- Midge? Your son is not cooperating! He's running around naked and the people across the way - can see! - ABE: Why is my grandson naked? JOEL: That is a question for your grandson, Abe.
He has a mind of his own.
ROSE: Oh, my God, he'll catch cold.
- Grab him! - JOEL: I soaped him up so he keeps slipping out of my grasp.
ABE: I got him.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
- I don't got him.
- ROSE: The neighbors are looking! JOEL: We should be charging for this.
Midge! We need you.
ROSE: Miriam, cut him off in the foyer! JOEL (LAUGHING): Midge! Midge! Hello? Oh, you scared me.
Although, I should be the one scaring you.
I pretty much broke in to your place.
It's okay, I think.
I used to live here, in this apartment.
My parents were upstairs.
I grew up here.
That's sweet.
It's a great place.
I'm gonna miss it.
- (KIDS SHOUTING) - Guys, please stop yelling! - You're moving? - My husband's a researcher, and he lives by grants, so we're nomads.
Next week, it's off to St.
Louis.
Okay, all you did was get louder! I'm sorry, I'll leave you be.
You've got your hands full.
No, no, stay if you want.
Look around some more.
- GIRL: I'm not a baby! - Can I see the kitchen? - It's all yours.
- BOY: Mom, Susan knocked the lamp over.
Your father's going to hear about this! Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you Sweet dreams that leave All worries behind you But in your dreams Whatever they be Dream a little dream Of me.
SUSIE: Sorry coming through.
No, don't get up.
Excuse me.
What are you looking at? - How's it going backstage? - (SIGHS) Sophie was chatting it up with Gavin and Moira.
Gave 'em each a bottle of scotch, wished them well.
Now she's having a weird, quiet moment.
She left her awful dogs at home.
So far, so good.
How are you feeling? I think I'm excited.
I think that's what this feeling is.
Good.
She put you through a lot, and you pulled this off.
This is your night as much as hers.
Now, enjoy it.
(DRAMATIC PIANO MUSIC) Oh, tonight, Miss Julie is crazy again.
Absolutely crazy.
(APPLAUSE) So you've returned.
I took the count to the station, and when I came back, I saw Miss Julie dancing with the gamekeeper.
And then she rushed up to me and asked me to dance the waltz with her.
She's crazy.
And always has been, but never the way it's been this last fortnight, since her engagement was broken.
- Do you know how it happened, Christine? - (WOMAN CLEARING THROAT) They were in the stable, and she was training him, as she called it.
She made him leap over her horse whip, the way you teach a dog to jump.
- (WOMAN CLEARING THROAT) - Hey, duchess, you ever hear of a cough drop? - Susie, shh.
- It's a classy fuckin' play.
Now, what do you have that's tasty, Christine? Oh, just some kidney that I cut out of the veal roast.
Ah, good.
Oh, Jean, won't you dance with me when I'm done? - Of course I will.
- Do you promise? Promise? When I say so, I do it.
Mm.
And thanks for the good food.
Tasted fine.
Is this supposed to be happening? Shh.
Very fine, indeed, Christine.
Tasted fine.
(QUIETLY): Come on, come on.
SOPHIE (AS JULIE): I'll be back in a minute, You go right on in the meantime.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Tell me, is it almost done, Christine? The ladies are having secrets, I believe.
That is for you, Jean.
Oh, what a delicious odor that violet has.
Mm, impudent.
So you understand perfumes also.
And know pretty well how to dance.
Do not peek.
No, no, no, go away.
Uh-oh.
GAVIN (AS JEAN): Is it some kind of witches' broth the ladies are cooking on Midsummer Eve? Something to tell fortunes by and bring out the lucky star in which one's future love is seen? (BARELY AUDIBLE): If you can see that, you have very good eyes indeed.
Is she supposed to be so quiet? No, you're supposed to be able to hear it.
(QUIETLY): Come dance with me, Jean.
(QUIETLY): I had promised to dance with Christine this time.
Well, Christine can get someone else, Gavin.
Did she say "Gavin"? Shit.
Shit.
(BARELY AUDIBLE) I don't want to be impolite, but I truly made a promise.
Now I can't hear him.
(QUIETLY) She can get somebody else.
(STRAINING QUIETLY) Louder.
Louder.
(LOUDLY) She can get somebody else, can't you, Christine? Will you let me borrow Jean from you? Huh? (LOUDLY): That isn't for me to say, Miss Julie.
Frankly speaking, is it wise for Miss Julie to dance twice with the same partner? People will start to talk.
What is that? What kind of talk? What do you mean? They sound like my grandparents.
GAVIN: It doesn't look well to prefer one servant to all the rest.
Prefer? What ideas! I am surprised.
I, the mistress of the house It's fine.
She's just projecting for the back row.
Yeah, of Yankee Stadium? and when it so happens I want to dance, I want to dance with one who knows how to lead so I am not made ridiculous.
GAVIN: As you command, Miss Julie.
I am at your service.
SOPHIE: Oh, don't take it as a command.
SUSIE: Aw, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck SOPHIE: Tonight, all rank should be forgotten.
Christine will make a pleasant wife.
Perhaps she snores, too.
No, she doesn't.
But she talks in her sleep.
- How do you know?! - (LAUGHTER) GAVIN: I've heard it.
Give me something to drink.
We have nothing but beer.
- Beer?! - (LAUGHTER) I didn't know you were serving breakfast.
(LAUGHTER) I can't watch.
I can't watch.
I can't not.
You want some for yourself? A polite gentleman should keep a lady company.
Wouldn't be proper in your presence.
Are you bashful, a big, grown-up man? (LAUGHTER) Tout suite.
Julie's thirsty.
- MAN: We love you, Sophie.
- WOMAN: We love you, Sophie.
To the health of my liege lady.
- Bravo! Ha ha! - (LAUGHTER) Ahh.
Now (BELCHES LOUDLY) (LAUGHTER) Kiss my shoe.
This part's in the play.
(LAUGHTER) Boop.
(LAUGHTER) - WOMAN: Kiss it! - MAN: Yeah, kiss it.
Well, it looks like someone was hungry for some moo shoe pork.
Huh? And unfortunately, I just left the stables.
Hey, don't worry, after the stables, I washed 'em off in a toilet.
(LAUGHTER) Put that on your plate, huh? The other day, I was hanging out by the cows, and one of the farmhands tried to milk me.
(LAUGHTER) And my last husband never kissed my shoe, but he always had a foot in his mouth.
Aw, it's so filthy here in the country.
My clothes are so dirty AUDIENCE: How dirty are they? My clothes are so dirty, my washboard needs a washboard.
- (LAUGHTER) - (SOPHIE CACKLES) - (BELLS RING) - Ooh.
The count is back.
You mean Count Dracula? Is that where you got that big hickey on your neck? - (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) - It wasn't me.
(LAUGHTER) Well, folks, we're close enough to the finish line, I think.
Everybody's sad, I go off to die.
Blah, blah, blah.
The end.
See ya! Susie, wait.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (DRAMATIC PIANO MUSIC) (ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERING) MAN: We love you, Sophie! Oh, thank you very much.
Oh Oh, look, you got Sophie's hay fever going.
Ah-choo! Thank you.
Oh.
GAVIN: I hate you.
Theater hates you! - Sophie.
- (AUDIENCE CHANTING): Sophie, Sophie Fucking stop.
Sophie, fucking stop! Hey! Hey, I got something for your flight.
What the fuck just happened? 'Cause I know you did not just trash that production.
I know I must have eaten some spoiled cheese or a hash brownie and hallucinated that on the opening night of your Broadway premiere, you chose to flush it all down the shitter.
What are you talking about? This is your fault.
My fault? I am the biggest comedy star in America, and you chose to dump that and have me act.
Act in this ridiculous farce of a play.
I had never even heard of Strindberg before I met you.
You should have stopped me.
You're my manager.
You fired Harry Drake because he stopped you from doing Strindberg, you whacko.
Remember? Just like he stopped Jerry Lewis from doing A Raisin in the Sun.
It's what a good manager does.
Goddamn it, Sophie.
You asked me to get you a shot.
I got you a shot and you chickened out.
You choked.
How dare you! I went out on a limb for you.
Bernie went out on a limb for you.
The investors went out on a limb for you.
Fucking asshole tennis-playing Milken went out on a limb for you! We got Gavin Hawk to star opposite you.
You were all conspiring against me.
- Hey, call Bellevue.
Tell 'em to bring a net.
- Especially you.
Why, Sophie? Why would I do that? For her.
You were trying to prop her up by bringing me down.
- Let's go.
- You're walking away from me? Yeah, I'm walking away.
Because you are nothing but a fraud, with your Jell-O and your stuck-up butler and your lemon wedges.
And you want to know what the really sad thing is, Sophie? You could have done it.
I watched you rehearse every single day, and you were good.
Fuck that, you were great.
A great fucking serious actress.
And you had it all right there in the palm of your hand, and all you had to do was have the guts to follow through and do it, and you didn't.
You fuckin' folded like a deck of cards.
- Harry knew.
- Harry knew what? That you didn't have the stuff to make it on Broadway.
He was no idiot.
He knew.
And I do not have to take you down for her.
You are not her competition.
You are not even in the same league.
She's got guts.
That is the difference between Midge Maisel and the great Sophie Lennon.
You're a star, for now, but she is gonna be a goddamn legend.
SUSIE: I'm setting those fuckin' birds loose the minute I get home.
I want to sink to the bottom with you I want to sink to the bottom with you The ocean is big and blue I just want to sink to the bottom with you Cars on the highway, planes in the air Everyone else is going somewhere But I'm going nowhere, getting there soon I might as well just Sink down with you I want to sink to the bottom With you I want to sink to the bottom with you The ocean is big and blue I just want to sink To the bottom with you And I just want to Out on the highway, up in the air Everyone else is going somewhere They're going nowhere, and I'll be there, too I might as well go under with you I want to sink to the bottom with you Sink to the bottom I want to sink to the bottom - With you - Sink to the bottom I just want to.