The Mindy Project s03e07 Episode Script

Oh.
Oh, no! How can you know what's going on in the movie with your eyes covered? It's too scary, Danny.
Just describe it to me.
Okay, the lights are flickering, faceless kids are coming through the mirror right now.
What? It's all going to hell.
Danny, stop describing it so well, it's worse than just watching it.
Wait a minute Isn't this movie still in the theaters? Mm-hmm.
I stole it from the Internet.
You stole it? Yeah, that's how I get all my music and movies.
I go to this really cool site.
It's called videodump.
alqaeda.
biz.
You steal music too? Of course, Danny.
Don't you support the artist? What about the a&r guy who took a chance on 'em with the label brass? Don't you think of him? No.
That's against the law.
It's not against the law if everybody does it.
It's like how I pretend to be in the armed forces so I can board a plane early.
I never break the law, okay? We go dancing, I make sure the club has a valid cabaret license.
Oh, look! The final hunger games downloaded.
I'm gonna be so sad when those are over and I can't steal them anymore.
Wait a minute.
What's going on here? You you clicked a virus.
This is a run-of-the-mill computer-destroying virus.
All you need to do is get a whole new computer and then tell the FBI that yours was stolen.
Oh, my God, the camera turned on! - Aah! - Aah! Get out of my house! ma, tell Mindy about that water aerobics class you signed up for.
Danny, you keep calling it "water aerobics.
" That's just so uncool.
It's called "synchronized seniors aqua disco.
" I'm not signing up for that.
I don't wanna get too muscular.
I have a dancer's body.
Annette, do you have a bathing suit? I could lend you a bikini, but I only have bottoms 'cause I like to go au naturel Okay, we got it.
We got it.
No, I'm gonna wear Richie's soccer shorts and my Garfield t-shirt.
Danny's worried I'll get ogled at.
The instructor's Cuban.
It's cultural.
A baggy t-shirt and shorts? If you wear that to the pool, you're gonna get straight up bullied.
Oh, come on.
Who's gonna bully her? Look at this sweet face.
I would.
Okay, I'm taking you shopping on monday.
We're getting you a new swimsuit.
Wow, my two favorite girls going shopping together? I love it.
We're finally gonna get some one-on-one time, Mindy.
Just you and me.
I'm gonna tell you all the things I walked in on Danny doing over the years.
Masturbating? Okay.
Oh, God, dot.
What? Come on, dot.
That's gross, all right? Well, we had a night of crazy sex, and now it's time for the punishment.
So where are we going to brunch? Actually, I hate brunch.
But if you're like, the first brunch guy in the history of the world, we can go get some.
Shut up.
I just thought, you know, we should do what you wanna do today so you wanna go to spin class, or you want me to meet your friend's new baby? Who is this monster you're describing? I'm not one of those sample sale, mani-pedi princesses.
I just wanna chill out and have fun.
You like, mastered life.
I know.
I'm like the Matthew McConaughey of the romance novel world.
So on your ideal sunday, what would you do? I would drink a bunch of hard lemmys and make outlandish football bets.
Wait.
Wait, I'm sorry.
Did I say the wrong thing? We can do whatever you wanna do.
You want me to put together some shelves? Do you wanna go visit your sister? No, calm down.
I'm just gonna make a run to the liquor store.
Your mission, while I'm gone, is to melt cheese on something.
I believe in you, Peter.
Okay.
Guys, I have an announcement.
What? That you're rich? We know.
Tamra, can we please go back to the days before you found my paystub in the trash? I'm trying to tell everybody here that your friend Abby is my perfect woman.
Oh, sorry.
Go on, Dr.
P.
Dating Abby is like dating a ride that won't stop.
She's amazing.
All she does is write two hours' worth of sexy stories during the day, and then she's just hanging.
Day drinking, night smoking, and she's not one of these uptight Manhattan chicks that's trying to get me to change, or make me wear pants when I leave the house, or obsessed with the new blow dry bar down the block.
Blow dry bar? How basic do you think I am? This is from the tousle bar.
It cost $100.
What? - Yeah, more than this guy's rent.
- Yeah! Pete, don't screw this up.
A low-maintenance girl that likes to hang, no drama, not a lot of pampering.
Oh, like you're not pampered? Why don't I give Morgan one of your 9,000 moisturizers.
Why don't you give them to Morgan? I don't need any.
I'm always wet.
I've actually found it very gratifying dating a serious woman who challenges me to be my best self.
Oh, you know, I tried dating a woman like that but she left me for you.
So I think I'll stay on the track that I'm on, huh? Yup.
Good plan.
Lots of luck with it.
Yeah, you like that plan? Whoa! Huh? I got a million black bics in this mug.
Oh, no! - Mindy, I'm coming out.
- Okay.
Ta-da! Aah! It's good, huh? Annette, that looks like something that Rihanna would wear to hedonism.
Oh, that sounds good.
No.
No.
I think that those straps are just not age-appropriate.
What? You sound just like Danny.
Whatever happened to taking a risk, hmm? So was Danny always like crazy psycho about rules? Ugh, Danny was always such an angel.
I used to listen in on his confessions So boring.
Of course, there were the impure thoughts.
On and on about big, milky-white breasts Okay, he hates those now.
He likes small ethnic breasts now.
Yeah, well, I'm glad he's with someone who pushes his buttons like I do.
When he was little, every april fools' day, I used to pretend I died.
Aah! How did you get naked so fast? And this.
And that, and that.
Okay.
And one more thing.
This is for a swim class.
Well, I gotta eat, don't I? Would you like to open a store credit card? I shouldn't.
My credit is bad.
You get a fun email on your birthday.
My social is 637-70 You know what? It's just gonna get declined.
I'm gonna give you my boyfriend's social.
It's 743-974 Uh-oh, look out! Here comes shopaholics anonymous.
I bet you two did some damage, right? Yeah, there was some damage done.
Can I speak to you privately in my office? Sure.
Danny, don't think I forgot my little blue angel.
Oh, ma! A bomber jacket? Yes! I always wanted one of those.
I used to play top gun wearing a garbage bag, pretending it was one of those.
Ma, that's way too much.
It wasn't that much.
It's a little snug.
Maybe you could exchange it for one that's a few sizes larger and I could borrow it a little bit? No, you should take it off.
Okay.
Okay.
Danny, you deserve it.
You work so hard and you've got such a thoughtful girlfriend.
We really connected.
Ah! What do you think, ma? It's perfect! Requesting permission to fly by your office, Mindy? What? It's from the movie, top gun.
Okay, I've not seen it.
I have seen the porn parody.
Okay, do you wanna talk to me in private, or what? Oh, that's what you meant.
Um, yeah, I was just gonna say that your mom's keeping her body real tight.
That's so nice.
Really? That's kind of a weird thing to say.
Well, she's right.
Excuse me? Oh, my God! Are you Abby? I am.
I have an idea for a romance novel that I would like to sell you.
Oh, that sounds great.
It's basically twilight, but here's the twist.
I'm the girl.
- I think it's really good idea.
- Yes.
I think you should write it though.
Oh, my God.
Thank you for saying that.
My boyfriend says I'm a quote, "shockingly bad writer.
" Oh.
You're cool.
Yeah, doy.
She's cool.
We've only been chillin', grillin' blazin', lazin', rollin' Oh, which reminds me, remember that 24-hour dance party I was telling you about, the electric insanity ball? I just read an article that they should shut that thing down.
It sounds great.
The electric insanity ball? That's only the coolest party in town.
Well, Tamra got us all tickets, so That is so awesome Aw, sucks.
I'm on call.
You can't party when you're on call.
Had I known that, I never would've become a doctor.
You cannot be on call.
I'm going to cover for you.
You have to go to this party.
That's wonderful.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
You're gonna have to probably keep covering for him for a while, though, because after tomorrow night, he's gonna be fried for like a week.
Okay I once had fries for a week.
Yeah.
Welcome to the danger zone.
Did you take the highway? I have wonderful news, Mrs.
Randall.
Jeremy, I need your opinion on etiquette.
You're two months pregnant.
Good-bye.
Sit down.
Thank you.
You chose wisely, coming to the most well-mannered person in the office.
Oh, it was based more on who was back from lunch.
I'll take it.
How can I help? Do you know that bomber jacket that Danny is wearing? I hate it, too.
Aren't we dreadful? No, no, no.
It was shoplifted! By Danny's mom.
No! I wanted to tell him right away, but he just loves it so much.
I should tell him, right? Wrong.
There is no advantage to shining light on familial scandal.
In Britain, we have an expression: "Keep calm and don't mention uncle Susan in the attic.
" Oh, my God.
That might just be my family.
It's gone! I don't know where it is.
It's a symbol of my love for you.
I know.
But you Oh, my God.
Did you buy Tamra an engagement ring? Oh, no, I'm out of town for the wedding, whenever it is.
No, no.
It was a charm bracelet from the drug store.
But it's three months' salary down the drain.
My God, we pay you so little.
Hello! I'm on a poster for a poverty campaign.
Don't freak out, Tamra.
I lose my stuff all the time.
You just have to retrace your steps.
Whenever I can't find my phone, it's usually in the freezer, next to my ice cream bars.
Okay, the last time I remember having it is when I took it off to show Dr.
C's mom.
Hold up.
You showed it to Annette? Yeah, she was like, "that's fierce as hell.
No shade.
" I could be paraphrasing.
Mindy! What a surprise! Come on in.
Dot and I are watching Passion of the Christ.
What they did to that man Poor Mel.
I actually can't stay.
I need to talk to you about something.
One of our nurses lost her new bracelet.
Which nurse? She's tall, very pretty, mid-20s, she's black.
You could've just said Tamra.
Is it possible that you, I don't know, like, tried it on and then forgot to give it back to her? Are you accusing me of stealing? What? Stealing? No! No, no, no, no, no! How dare you.
Can you two keep it down? This is my favorite part.
Judas is getting his coins.
My house, dot! Yeah, dot.
Just shut up! We're in the middle of something.
Please, I will not tell a soul What? Oh no, no, no, no, no.
Great, I missed the coins.
Tamra, you found your bracelet? Where was it? I forgot I tried it on my ankle for a while.
Always the last place you look.
It was the first place I looked.
Oh, hey, baby.
Hey.
Um, I have an idea for tonight.
You know what I think we should do? Just completely unplug.
Like don't use technology.
Don't use our cell phones.
Just you and me.
Oh, I like that.
It'd be good for me to get away from my healthy recipe sites for a night.
That's great.
One second.
Wow, eight missed calls from ma.
She probably just butt-dialed you, don't worry about it.
Hello? Oh, God.
Huh? Mindy did what? Ma, please come down.
Mindy doesn't understand social warns.
- She's from Boston.
Ma - Ma? Great, she hung up.
This is the worst thing you've ever done.
And I'm including when you thought that cab driver was the guy from captain Phillips.
You didn't see him.
He was very gaunt.
He looked nothing like the guy from captain Phillips.
I think it was just a little bit too much, too soon, for me and your mom.
But she's going to get over this, eventually.
And until then, whenever she comes over, I'm just gonna sit in the closet, read an Archie comic, and stay there until she leaves.
And you can just slide a plate of food under the door.
No, no, that's not what's gonna happen, okay? Tonight, you and me are going over to ma's house for dinner.
Great, so she forgave me.
What's the big deal? You don't understand.
You're dealing with catholics now, okay? This is a guilt dinner, which means she's gonna torture you.
Get ready to repent, Lahiri.
Now go home and put on something black and modest.
Okay, okay, okay.
Now, the only thing I have that's black is my catwoman costume.
Are you kidding me? You know what? I will just zip it up all the way to the top.
And definitely underwear.
Yeah, oh yeah.
Oh, hey, Pete.
Hey, buddy.
I got bad news for you.
Mindy can't cover for you tonight.
She's got a dinner date with my ma.
First thing on the menu crow.
Humble pie.
Appetizers No, no, no, Mindy's gotta cover for me.
Abby's taking me to an all-night dance party.
And if I'm on call, I have to be sober.
And I'm not talking "take the S.
A.
T.
S" sober.
I'm talking like, sober sober.
Why do you need to be drunk to dance? Doesn't that make your moves less precise? Actually, no.
It has the opposite effect on me.
And I guess I could hang out with Abby not messed up but we've never done that before.
Yeah, but if it's the real thing, you're gonna have to do it eventually, right? Yeah, I see your point.
Why are you looking at me like that? You look a lot like Mindy in that outfit.
Keep your eyes up here, man.
You look good.
Shut up! Peter, what's wrong? It doesn't look like you're having fun.
No, I think the granola bar I ate hasn't kicked in yet.
Oh.
Yeah, you're dancing like an undercover cop.
Morgan, what are you on? Nothing.
Hey, you can't have just like, one beer? I'm on call.
I gotta say sober.
You know? I have to be on my a-game.
Oh, you wanna be on some a-game? 'Cause I think the bouncer's selling some.
No, actually, I just got a text.
I have to go to the hospital for a delivery.
Oh, you want me to go with you? No, no, you stay, have a good time.
Come back later.
And bring the baby.
Dr.
P, could I have your underwear if you're gonna leave? Mine's all soaking wet.
No, yeah, I think I'm just gonna go.
With all my clothes.
It's not urine.
It's sweat.
Let's all bow our heads.
Dear lord, please help us find it in our hearts to forgive the most terrible of crimes, the wrongful accusations leveraged against the innocent elderly.
You gotta be kidding me with this.
Oh lord, whose wrath knows no bounds, please spare Mindy the pestilence, boils, and famine you are surely considering right now.
Although, a little famine wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
And please watch over dot, Richie, Danny, and the stray cats.
Amen.
Amen.
Great one, mom.
That was a beautiful and kind of pointed prayer.
Annette, I just wanted to say to you, again, how sorry I am for everything that happened.
It's fine.
Water under the bridge.
Really? Let's just move forward and enjoy this roast chicken together.
Oh, and just so that Mindy knows that I paid for the chicken, I had the receipt framed for her.
Dot.
Okay, that is enough.
Put that away, dot.
Hey, mom.
The reason that I thought you stole the bracelet, Annette, is because I saw you steal the jacket that Danny's wearing.
Mindy, please stop.
I will not stop, Danny.
I saw it with my two eyes.
And I have perfect vision because I'm still young.
Ask her.
What was the question again? Ask her if she stole it.
Ma, did you steal the jacket? Yes! Yes! Yes! I walked out of the store with the jacket.
What? Thank you! Thank you.
It's just that my mind, sometimes it just gets foggy when I don't take my fish oil.
But as soon as I realized it, I went right back in there, and I paid for it! Well, there you go.
What? When? When you were busy pumping quarters into the massage chair and groaning.
I didn't wanna tell you, Danny, because I'm already such a burden.
Ma, you're not a burden, okay? No, no, no, no.
You're my beating heart, ma.
I don't see how you come back from this.
Sayonara.
Yeah.
Oh ooh.
Yeah, your watch is caught Yeah, it's my watch.
Ouch.
It's really stuck.
Maybe they forgot to take off the tag? You're a shoplifter? Mom, I'm questioning my entire childhood right now.
Christmas presents, my baseball gear Did you steal those too? No, no, of course not! I just started doing it last year, here and there.
I maybe I've just been bored lately.
Could it be the danger? Maybe it's a sexual thing.
No, no, no, no, no, its How could it be that? It's not No, don't say that.
It's not a sexual thing.
That's disgusting.
Ma, look, tomorrow, you're going to the store, and you're gonna return the jacket, and you're gonna apologize.
I'd rather not, if it's all the same to you.
It's not all the same to me, ma.
I'm sorry, you're going.
We're all going.
Except dot.
Oh, like this trip would appeal to me in any way.
Annette, I can only imagine that the embarrassment you feel right now is equal to the triumph that I feel, and if that's the case Okay, baby, I'm really sorry that I doubted you but if you don't shut up right now, my mom's gonna hit you over the head with a rolling pin.
Okay, well, you know what then? I'll just go get my purse.
Just make sure that all the money is still in there.
Okay, that's it Okay, ma! Ma! Ma! Ma, ma, calm down.
Here he is.
Man of the hour.
We'd like to return this jacket.
Sure.
Can I see your receipt? Uh, I wish I had one.
But unfortunately, there was never a receipt for this item.
She's a good woman, my mom, single mom.
Let me tell you when my dad left The jacket has ink all over it.
This was clearly stolen.
Yes, and you know what? She is very sorry.
We are going to ground her for a week.
Yes, we are.
Miss, you know, when you're over you are invisible.
I took that jacket to make a political statement Shh, no, no.
Shut up, shut up.
All right, we're gonna pay for the jacket and be on our way.
If you want, you can take a picture of her.
That would really scare her.
Great idea.
I'm sorry, but this jacket cost over $500.
It could be a felony charge.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to call Gary.
Gary? Did you hear her? I'm going to jail! Yeah, and I'm gonna have to break you out.
I don't know how to dig tunnels.
Mindy can dig! Okay, listen up, listen up, we are not doing this.
We are making a run for it.
What, are you crazy? We're not gonna run for it.
We're gonna sit here and face the music.
Snap out of it.
Danny, we're not letting your mom get arrested because it's the letter of the law.
This is family.
When our son gets arrested in the Hamptons for having a bar fight, I'm gonna drive his ass to Mexico in the back of a chicken truck.
What are you gonna do? Run.
I'm sorry, tell Gary I'll send him a check.
Hey, Peter, what's shaking? Some hardcore epiphanies, actually.
Hey, what happened to you last night? You know, I just I went home, I took a shower, did the dishes, kind of just went to bed early.
Bummer.
Actually, it was pretty great.
Look, Abby, I think we need to talk.
Oh, no.
You don't have to cross around and You're gonna sit, aren't you? Don't do the Yeah.
Peter, I've written enough overwrought breakup scenes, so I know how this goes.
- Abby, I think - You're great.
Whoa! I just, I'm learning that I, uh, I think I need someone who wants me to put pants on before I leave the house and maybe someone who likes brunch.
Well, I can't help you there.
It was fun though, right? Oh, yeah.
A lot of fun, well, if you ever want to get baked and go to a renaissance fair, then I'm your m'lady.
Well, that sounds m'nice.
All right.
I'll see you.
Bye, Abby.
Bye.
Hey, Peter, what's shakin'? Hmm? Was I just in here? I'm sorry, I'm so high.
That's hilarious.
You remember we broke up, right? Danny, guess who paid for her first song, ever! Is that why you were locked in the bathroom for an hour? Mm-hmm.
That and other reasons.
Hey, you know? Thanks for helping ma out.
I gotta admit, running out of the store like that, I I kind of got a tingle.
Oh, my God, Danny, are you breaking bad? Relax, I'm still all about the rules, I'm just saying, you know, the number one rule should be "family first.
" I like that.
Yeah? I think that you are becoming a bad boy.
And I like it.
You like it? Mm-hmm.
Yeah? Do you like when I wear stolen merchandise? Ooh.
Do you like that? Mm-hmm.
How about this? Whoa.
I got a real need.
The need to squeeze.
Mmm! You're really gonna like the song I downloaded then.
Oh! Um, I'm gonna go do paperwork in the other room.
Hey, goose, it's Maverick.
You wanna have some sex tonight? Don't call me goose!