The Royals (2015) s03e07 Episode Script

1 'Previously on The Royals' So you want to tell me what this text is about? I'm working on a story about Her Royal Highness and the relationship she's having with her bodyguard.
I gave you so many chances.
Yeah, well, you shouldn't have.
I'm not worth it.
If I didn't make it back alive, she'd have kicked my arse.
And now she just has to wipe it.
Cheers.
(LAUGHTER) - 'I'd like to hire you.
' - 'To do what exactly?' Whatever it is you did and however it is you did it.
Do you want to have sex? 'When posed by you, the answer to that question is always yes.
' I want to start a charity for wounded vets, help them get their lives back on track.
Mum's been filling me in on everything you've been doing, all your charity work.
She thought maybe I should take it over.
We can't even take a picture together because you're afraid it might get out.
Do you mind taking a picture of us, Sparrow? I know you have history with Robert, but you have a future with me.
I want you.
And I will fight for you.
- Sparrow.
- Don't call me that.
The People's Gala's coming up.
I challenge you to spar for charity.
Three rounds.
(PUMAROSA: PRIESTESS) I know you I know you I know you don't think about that soul Stay down, Sparrow.
Put your money where your mouth is Liam, you've got to Stop! Sleep well? Every night this week.
I can't imagine why.
- You've been working hard.
- We both have.
Oh, talking of work, we need to finalize your participation in the charity auction at the Gala.
I know the Gala's important, but the thought that anyone who buys a ticket can win an hour of my time is dreadful.
And as a newly-single Queen, if a man wins, it's gonna feel like some awful blind date.
I'd buy a ticket if I could, Your Majesty.
(DANGER TWINS: GET READY) Enter! Good morning, Your Majesty.
Good morning, Mr.
Hoenigsberg.
And what's on my agenda today, please? Get, get ready Get, get ready It's coming, coming (KNOCKING) You fired another bodyguard, Princess? He wasn't working out.
Joseph had a stellar service record.
He also had cologne that smelled like an airplane toilet.
That's the fifth bodyguard in two weeks.
Is it possible this is about another bodyguard in particular? No.
It's not.
It's about terrible taste in men's grooming products.
James? Did he say where he was going? No, he didn't.
He simply asked for some time away.
I've got a charity gala to prepare and an interview to get to.
Hi.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
I'm Eleanor.
Your Highness, Harper Day.
Thank you so much for taking time to meet with me.
I'm really looking forward to writing this piece.
I love what you've done with the place.
Yeah.
So, this is a lot of work.
Mm-hm.
How do you find time for your personal life? Well, it's just for a few weeks, and the Gala's really important.
No time for a personal life? I mean, most people would think a princess can do what she wants with her time.
(LAUGHS) Well, yeah.
This is This is what I want to do.
Designing and making things is a thrill for me.
But no boy to share it with? Look, I was nice the first two times that you not-so-elegantly brought this subject up, but your interview is now complete.
Publish whatever you'd like and see yourself out.
(REPORTER) 'It's the hottest ticket in town, the 72nd Annual People's Gala a two-day event beginning with the ultra-VIP champagne reception with the Royal Family.
This year's Gala marks Prince Robert's first public appearance since his highly anticipated debut on the royal balcony.
And if you were thinking of buying those Gala tickets aftermarket, don't bother if you weren't invited, you're not invited.
' So, ready for the fight tomorrow? I think Liam's a lot tougher than we've given him credit for.
(ROBERT) I'm not too worried about it.
You haven't talked to any of the young ladies I invited here this evening.
Your Majesty.
I'll go get us a drink.
I know it's not exactly romantic, but we need to think of your future beyond the Privy Council.
I understand, but formal lists are for leaders who don't know what they want.
That's what your father said.
And then I happened to be on his list.
And look how that turned out.
Sorry.
That was unfair.
I get it that we all have to make sacrifices for the family, but that doesn't exclude you.
Fine.
I'll meet you halfway.
If I do the auction, will you give an official list a fair consideration? Fine.
We have a deal.
I keep on dreaming I got them feelings Madden! - Ah! - What are you doing here? How could I miss the year's biggest gala? Plus, you need someone in your corner for the boxing, you know.
The The boxing match, yeah.
Oh, I get it.
You're here about a girl.
She's coming over.
Tell her I'm I'm cool.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Madden's cool.
Um okay.
I believe I owe you a free drink.
Only a month later.
Perfect timing.
How are you? How's the girl? Let's just say things are not perfect.
What about you? - Madden? - Mm.
He's nice.
Funny.
But I don't know.
Not perfect.
- Excuse me, Your Highness? - Yes? Would you mind taking a photo? - Uh I do mind.
- Oh.
But it's for a good cause.
Oh, I meant of me in the ring.
Oh, right.
Okay.
(MIYNT: COOL) Thank you.
Get your heels in the shot so it looks like you knocked me out.
- Does that work for you? - Perfect.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Here you are.
Amazing.
And very kind of you to play along.
I'm Sebastian.
I'm not having a great day, Sebastian.
I'm sorry to hear that.
But if I may say, the fact that you're here on a bad day says a lot about you.
Yes, well, it's for a good cause, so I agree.
I've been to this gala before, but they really stepped it up this year.
Whoever designed this place is amazing.
Anyway, I hope your day gets better.
- Thanks for the pic, Your Highness.
- You're welcome.
Willow.
Welcome back.
Walk with me.
Considering the new developments in the succession line, I've broadened your job description to the entire family.
Your first task will be to assemble a list of candidates for Robert.
Uh Candidates, Your Majesty? Finding the right woman for the future king takes some calculation.
You know the women in the upper level of the aristocracy, and I trust your instincts.
We need to find a girl Robert and the country can fall in love with.
Understood? Of course.
Yes.
Good luck.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us this weekend for the 72nd People's Gala two nights and one day dedicated to making the world a better place.
This year, I'm very proud to announce a new initiative to help war veterans.
Gratitude Forever.
Together, we can work to help our veterans integrate back into daily life after service.
War is hard, but coming home can be much harder.
I want to recognize someone whose hard work has made this entire event possible.
My sister Eleanor has worked tirelessly to make this event cooler than ever.
Every poster, every ticket, every table design has come from her brilliant brain.
Now, as is customary, the whole Royal Family has put our time on the auction block.
And this year, we're reinstating a boxing main event.
Where's Liam? Join me on stage, little brother.
(APPLAUSE) Put 'em up, Sparrow.
Be careful, I've got the longer reach.
(LAUGHTER) Thank you again for coming, and please enjoy the palace and everything it has to offer.
But do remember to spend generously tomorrow.
Thank you.
(APPLAUSE) - Is everything alright? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Look, it's for charity.
I'm just trying to give them a good show.
Fine.
I'll smile for the cameras.
But I won't play your fool.
So you give them a good show, and I'll give them a good fight.
This place is unreal.
You've seen both princes naked but never been to the palace, that's unreal.
(GASPS) You have to put a ticket in for Robert.
Tickets are £300 each.
Then we have to be resourceful.
- We'll take one.
- You don't have that kind of money.
It's for your birthday.
And Christmas.
And your next birthday.
Plus, if we don't win, I'll just say it was stolen.
Angie! You're right.
I'll say it got stolen even if we do win.
Thanks.
Thanks.
(SAINT MOTEL: MOVE) Move, na-na-na-na-na na-na-na now Gotta get up I gotta get up, move Gotta get up I gotta get up, move Gotta get up I gotta get up, move Na-na-na-na-na na-na-na now This girl, this beautiful girl With eyes the size of the ocean I beg your pardon, sir.
I do wish I could afford a few tickets.
I'd love to put some in for King Cyrus's auction.
Well, seeing as it's a charity event, it would hardly be charitable for me to stand by and not help.
Oh, my gosh! How about we get a new ticket together? If our ticket gets pulled, we'll both go.
Gotta get up I gotta get up, move! Na-na-na-na-na na-na-na now Gotta get up I gotta get up, move! Gotta get up I gotta get up, move! Gotta get up I gotta get up, move! Na-na-na-na-na na-na-na now Your Highness? I'm Willow.
I was working with Liam before you returned.
Yes, of course.
Nice to meet you.
Your mother asked if I'd compile a list of candidates.
Would you mind if I asked you a few questions? My mother certainly doesn't waste any time.
I promise, these won't take long.
Where would you prefer to spend a day: a forest, a lake, a beach, or a meadow? (SIGHS) A forest, I suppose.
If you were stranded on a desert island - Okay, we'll skip that one.
- Mm.
You meet a troll on a bridge.
What do you use to defeat him: a sword, a stone, a revolver or your mind? Okay.
My mind.
A potion gives you animal qualities.
Which do you take: the speed of a hare, the strength of an ape, the agility of a cat, or the good nature of a dog? Agility of a cat, of course.
Wow! Only three questions.
It's official: you're a Gryffindor.
Not that I'm surprised.
- That's all I needed.
- At least I wasn't a Hufflepuff.
- What's wrong with Hufflepuffs? - Oh, nothing, I just uh Just kidding.
I'm a Ravenclaw.
Obviously.
Welcome to the People's Gala Charity Auction.
All money raised today goes to Prince Robert's new veterans' charity, Gratitude Forever.
Who's ready to win? (CHEERING) The first drawing is for a bourbon tasting, avec moi, from my private collection.
Charles Wescott and Cindy! And the next item on the block is for a lovely afternoon tea with everyone's favorite fairy-tale villain, Queen Helena.
(SUBDUED LAUGHTER) Mr.
Jack Parker.
Please enjoy the fancy scones, delicious sandwiches, and the country's best annoyed eye-rolls.
Up next, a prize that's been done to death, Princess Eleanor! (LAUGHS) Tabloid joke.
Tabloid joke.
I only have one ball.
Speaking of balls, the winner will get to play with Eleanor's .
.
in a game of royal garden croquet.
(SUBDUED LAUGHTER) Prince Sebastian Idrisi! It's not exactly a contact sport, but I'd still wear some protection.
And now, a prize that even Prince Liam doesn't want to win an art viewing with Prince Liam.
(SHRIEKING) Oh, my.
It's The Fair Ladies.
That's my ex-wife and her friends.
And finally, for those of you who are fans of the undead .
.
a wine-cellar tour with the Zombie Prince himself, Prince Robert.
Kathryn Davis.
Miss Davis.
Robert Henstridge.
Do you mind if we have a photo together? I only bought one ticket.
That must make me the luckiest man in the world.
I hope your day got better.
It did, thanks.
- What's that all about? - That is a man with bad cologne.
(JOSEPH) I'm coming in! (GASPS OF SHOCK) Whoa.
You think you can just fire me? You can't treat me like Oh! Sorry, Your Highness.
He's not a friend of yours? No.
No, no.
(GRUNTS) So you're telling me that a disgruntled employee verbally attacked you, Princess? - Yes.
- And then a palace guest assaulted him? I saw a threat and took him down.
That man had a lot of training.
He should not have been so easily neutralized.
Clearly he's never run up against the Welsh Guard.
Uh I invited Rosie with a group of vets tonight.
Other than swearing like a sailor and cheating at poker, I can vouch for her character.
That's good enough for me, sir.
You can stay for the rest of the gala.
Even if you kicked her out, she'd probably bash up all your guards.
- Mm.
- Enjoy your night.
And please let the guards do the protecting.
Sir.
I trust you're both enjoying yourselves? Of course, Your Majesty.
And thank you again for letting me bring along my uh assistant, Cindy.
- She's a bourbon connoisseur.
- Mm.
I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid I must step out.
King stuff.
But please, stay as long as you'd like, enjoy my bourbon.
Just let the footman know when you'd like to return to the Gala.
No! But I wanted to thank you for today.
You've been so generous.
We really shouldn't.
Nonsense.
We have the afternoon and a bed fit for a king.
And I happen to have a few party favors.
Now it's my turn to be generous.
I'm not sure you'll appreciate .
.
my particular tastes.
Try me.
All right.
Croquet.
How do we play? Honestly? I thought you'd know.
I just assumed that "croquet with Princess Eleanor" would mean that Princess Eleanor would know how to play croquet.
Yeah, it's probably best you don't assume things with me.
Besides, I don't think anybody really knows how to play croquet.
Okay.
Let's make up our own game.
Whoever gets a ball into the statue's mouth gets a point.
And if you make a shot, then the other person has to take a shot.
This game's getting better already.
So you never told me you styled this weekend's events.
Nice work, Your Highness.
It's been a nice distraction.
I'm kind of dealing with a difficult break-up.
Off the record.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I decided to love someone and it was scary and confusing.
But so thrilling.
And then it wasn't.
This is recent? Yeah.
Well, you seem to be doing pretty good.
It's all a facade.
A lifetime of showing the world .
.
only what they want to see.
I'm not doing that good at all.
But you're here, and sometimes just showing up is enough.
Thanks.
It's for charity, you know? And it's for my dad.
Having been in a couple of treacherous break-ups myself, I have a couple of secrets to share with you.
Oh, yeah? The sun still rises and the world doesn't end.
And one day it gets better.
- Are you sure? - Absolutely sure.
Eventually, you even smile.
- Whoa! - I'm serious.
Color me dubious.
Whoa! And a smile.
- Thanks for letting me talk about that.
- It gets better.
It just takes a while.
- Off the record.
- (CHUCKLES) (WOMEN CHATTERING) Oh, Liam! Darling! Let me introduce The Fair Ladies.
Lady Elaine, Lady Marion, and Lady Jane.
Ladies, the pleasure is all mine.
Shall we start the art tour? Darling, I don't want to see any art.
Not unless your body's the paintbrush and mine's the canvas.
Oh, just relax and have a drink with us.
Who wants some bubbly? You know, back in the day, I won an auction for your grandfather.
I tell you, I would have let that silver fox have his wicked way with me right there on the croquet lawn.
Jane! It's the boy's grandfather! Oh, hush! He doesn't mind.
That's why we picked him.
He knows how to have fun.
Mm.
So what's the gossip? What really happened with Gemma Kensington? You know, her mother was just mortified when it didn't work out between you two.
Serves her right she's a bitch.
Not Gemma, her mother.
Well both actually.
So, are you excited to get into that ring tonight and face off against your brother like two sexy warriors, the sweat glistening off That's enough, Marion.
It's just a charity exhibition.
All good fun.
Oh, come on.
Okay, fine.
- I want to kick his ass.
- (LAUGHTER) (LADY ELAINE) That's the spirit! - Now, take off your shirt.
- Cheers! I can't believe I won.
I had a feeling that luck might be on your side.
If I can't arrange a charity auction, I don't deserve to be king of anywhere.
(GASPS) You said you'd never tasted one! I would have said anything to meet you.
What is this? Why did you set this up? Because you hated the secrecy.
And this is a way of introducing you to the public without the press clamoring for a story.
Because they've already got one: Cinderella.
They won't look past that.
So it's a stunt? No, it's a story that we don't have to hide from.
Look, I know it's a lot, but we can deal with the press stuff later.
Right now, I just want to be with you.
Here.
Like this.
I've heard all about you, Mr.
Parker.
The charming, fabulously wealthy American investor.
Hm.
You shouldn't believe everything you hear, ma'am.
Except those things.
They're true.
Well, despite what you've cooked up in your billionaire brain, this is not some some of pay-to-date situation.
Of course not.
I wanted to meet you because I'm fascinated by the monarchy.
Bollocks.
They say you have impeccable luck, Mr.
Parker.
Everything you touch seems to turn to gold.
I've only ever gotten lucky once the day I was born with my instincts.
If I can trust those, I almost never lose.
I'm told you're the same.
You didn't luck into being born a royal.
You were born with killer instincts, and that's why I wanted to meet you Your Majesty.
(SNORTING) (CINDY GIGGLES) - What did baby do? - Baby made a mess.
Yes, he most certainly did.
(STAMMERS) Your Majesty! Listen, I was just Ingesting Peruvian cocaine and wearing a nappy in the King's bedroom.
Thanks, but I don't need a recap.
If I want the gory details, I'll watch the tape.
Cindy, will you give us a moment? Now, then.
Mr.
Wescott.
I heard a rumor that you're the lead MP on the Privy Council Selection Committee.
Congratulations.
Big responsibility, selecting the ones who will select the country's next king.
Oh, relax.
I'm here to help.
Have a drink.
I saved the best bourbon for last.
18-year-old single barrel.
(CHUCKLES) Might even be older than the girl who spanked you.
Now, then.
I'd love to see what the book has to say about your actions here today.
You? I'd advise you, then, to lean towards MPs who appreciate a king who places less value on the book and more value on discretion.
So nobody has to find out what a naughty baby you've been.
Now, put some clothes on, Wescott, you freak.
(ELEANOR) Can I tell you the truth? This was the part of the gala weekend that I was dreading the most.
Most women dread spending time with me, even when it is for charity.
Yeah, well, somehow, I don't think that's true.
I'm serious.
I could have totally saved a leper colony once, but nope.
No takers.
I have a problem trusting people .
.
giving people the benefit of the doubt.
Historically .
.
letting new people in has not served me well.
Most people still know right from wrong and they still want to put some good in the world.
Whoa.
How can you possibly be like this? You are royal, correct? I am, yes, but I'm seventh in line.
An awful lot would have to go wrong for me to occupy the kingdom's throne.
Instead, I get to live ridiculously well without all the pressure of it.
So do I.
Hm.
Yours is a little different, though.
Your visibility's higher.
I try to keep things more low-key.
You just bought an island.
I Googled you.
That is not low-key.
I want to build something beyond just being royal, have a life that matters.
leave a mark.
- Make the world better.
- I hope so.
And you do, too, or you wouldn't be here now, or this weekend.
And I suspect your father saw that in you all along.
.
.
lose your way in the dark But if you follow my voice I'll get you back to me It's a shame you're so difficult to hang out with.
You know, those poor lepers, they could have been saved.
Only you You know you're not the only one You know, when I was on that island, I knew that if I ever got back here, everything would be like a circus.
And it is.
But being down here with you makes it all easier.
It's the first real peace I've had since I've been back.
Since the last time we were together, actually.
I'll get you back to me Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the People's Gala Main Event.
It's prince versus prince, brother versus brother, in a true battle royale! In the white corner, His Royal Highness, Prince Robert Henstridge! And in the red corner, His Royal Highness, Prince Liam Henstridge! How's my personal sorting hat? Late for the match.
Did you see Robert and Willow flirting just now? Do you think she's into him? Isn't everybody? And finally, your ceremonial referee for the evening, His Majesty the King.
(SKYZOO: HERE FOR THE CROWN) If I had my way, you'd just kill each other and be done with it.
But, barring that outcome, I'm going for the underdog.
So break a leg.
Or your brother's face, Sparrow.
Ladies and gentlemen, betting has officially closed for the main event.
I've placed my bet for this match on one of these fine princes to win.
And after a successful day, I'm feeling very charitable.
So if my chosen fighter wins tonight, I'll double my donations to Gratitude Forever, and I hope you all do the same.
(DAVE NOT DAVE: COLD BLOOD) Come on, Sparrow! Whoo! Come on, boys! Big punch from my little bruv.
Come on, Sparrow! - Break! - (ROBERT LAUGHS) Break! (BELL RINGS) Not bad, little bruv.
Not bad.
You know, that one was for you.
It was not.
Work the body.
- Work the body.
- Do you even know what that means? - Punch him in the body? - So you're telling me to box him? Yes.
Do that.
- Whoo! - Come on, Sparrow! Come on, Liam! Come on! - Break! - (BELL RINGS) Sparrow's really coming at you.
He's definitely got some fire in those eyes.
(EXHALES HEAVILY) So, what's the plan? I'm gonna make him earn it.
(BELL RINGS) (REFEREE) Box! (WHOOPING AND CHEERING) (REFEREE) One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Son you're stronger than you know.
Keep going.
The world can't beat you.
Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Yeah? Are you okay? Box! Bagsy, Sparrow.
Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Ten! (BELL RINGS) I'm coming for you I just came to say goodbye.
I know you're dealing with some things, but it was great spending time with you.
Yeah.
So, this is my number.
If you want to hang out, or you need to talk to someone, or even if the silence closes in on you and you just want to have another distraction.
It wouldn't be a date.
Definitely not a date.
You? (SCOFFS) Thanks.
I know it's not easy to trust people, Your Highness, but once in a while, someone might surprise you.
- I'll see you.
- See you.
Rosie.
Are you leaving? Yeah.
The uh clock's about to strike 12 for this girl.
- Wild night, though.
- Did you have a good time? Mm-hm.
Yeah, I loved it.
But as you can tell, I'm a little bit out of place.
At least you got the shoes right.
Yeah, knock-offs.
I just spray-painted the bottoms.
You fooled me! I appreciate that, but there wasn't a single person here this weekend that was more out of place than I was, trust me.
Wonderful to meet you, Your Highness.
It was genuinely great to meet you, Rosie.
Thank you.
Dame Sinnamon.
Back to yourself, I see.
Yeah.
That outfit was dreadful.
And that make-up.
I didn't look like myself at all.
So I think my services call for a little title bump.
- (SIGHS) - (SQUEALS) I hereby deem you Baroness Saffron.
Baroness Saffron.
I hereby deem you Baroness Saffron.
There.
Now, go.
James.
I think I've solved our bodyguard issue.
Oh, have you now, Princess? Yes, Rosie.
The guest who attacked my employee? Mm-hm.
Yes.
She's been on duty for a total of minus-zero minutes, and has already offered me more protection than any of my previous bodyguards.
And I like her perfume.
Besides, we have to trust somebody sometime, right? Very well.
I'll do the proper vetting.
Thanks.
James, everything's gonna be okay, isn't it? Of course it is, Princess.
Okay.
(MATTHEW RYAN: IF YOU'RE NOT HAPPY) It's alright Just hold tight Good evening, Your Majesty.
Will you .
.
and your guest be having a nightcap this evening? Spencer, this is Jack Parker, of course.
Pleasure.
Spencer, I'll do a cognac.
Of course, Mr.
Parker.
The usual whisky, Your Majesty? I think I'll do cognac tonight.
That sounds lovely, actually.
Thanks, pal.
Hey What's the world coming to? Kathryn.
- Hi.
- You stayed.
Whatever you say - So, what did you think? - A little intense, wasn't it? Well, he had it coming with all the showboating.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I guess he did.
Hey.
I know that you started this charity.
It's gonna do a lot of good.
You should be proud.
That means a lot coming from you.
It's good to see you, Kathryn.
Just hold tight And make it through the night It'll be alright Good fight, big brother.
I just got a few more lucky shots in.
Yeah, we gave 'em a good show.
- What? - Cyrus bet on you.
He doubled his donation.
It was a show for charity.
You knew that.
Did you think you actually beat me, little brother? I did beat you.
If you have to tell yourself that, go right ahead.
You want to find out? Take a shot.
I'll give you first swing.
(YELLS) Liam, stop.
You said you didn't want to play the fool.
(YELLS) I know you'll keep getting back up.
That's what you do.
But I will keep putting you back down, and I don't want to do that.
I love you, brother.
(JACK SAVORETTI: DEEP WATERS) Stuck in the middle Green, silver and gold Good night.
I keep doing what I do Never stop pushing through These deep waters Need to be cold-blooded You need to be cold-blooded In these deep waters In these deep waters You need to be cold-blooded You need to be cold-blooded In these deep waters I won't sink, I'll swim I won't sink, I'll swim Whatever you have to say, I don't want to hear it.
I've lived in the shadow of a hero older brother for long enough to know the feeling that comes from that look.
It never goes away.
- Well, I'm not you, Cyrus.
- (SCOFFS) For now.
In these deep waters In these deep waters You need to be cold-blooded You need to be cold-blooded