The Royle Family (1998) s03e07 Episode Script

# I would like to leave this city # This old town don't smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday, Baby David # Happy birthday to you # OK, that's enough celebration.
Lurch! Shift your arse up to bed.
Come on.
Jim, it's Christmas Day! - Come on, birthday boy.
- Come here, Baby David.
- Say bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, Baby David.
Bye-bye, Baby David.
Bye-bye, Baby David.
Bye-bye, Baby David.
Bye-bye, Baby David.
Bye-bye, Daby Babid.
- You all right, Nan, there? - Yes, love.
I'm gonna clear up later.
Let's have a ciggy.
Yeah.
- Here you are, love.
- Oh, ta.
- Denise? - Yeah? Do you think they'll want to sit down or stand up? Well, remember, they are vegetarians.
So they'll probably want to sit down.
Oh, yeah.
I've done tinned salmon and some hard-boiled eggs.
What else do they eat, Denise? You could make turkey sandwiches for everyone.
Then they can just take the turkey out themselves.
Ooh, yeah.
What are you going to all that trouble for? They're only popping in for ten bloody minutes.
- Jim, I'm only doing a finger buffet.
- Oh, finger, my arse! Oh! Hey hey! You havir that, Dave? Finger my arse! Good one, that, James.
'Ey, we don't want any of that talk when Emma's mam and dad are here.
We saw it swimming underneath the bridge, just there.
And I realised it was a seal.
Rhodri Williams takes up the story.
The seals attracted quite a crowd.
As night approached, they seemed to be getting sorted.
The RSPCA were worried by now.
I joined Inspector Dave Fox when he came to take a closer look at it.
Ooh! Somebody's brought Baby David 200 Benson.
Oh, yeah.
That was Cheryl.
She asked what she should get him, and I said Bensons.
- Aw.
- Yeah.
Aw, just think, Denise.
This time last year, you were pushing him out.
- Who? - Baby David.
- Oh, yeah.
- Aah! - What's the next step? - I don't want to leave him.
He's in a pretty vulnerable position here.
So what we'll do is, we'll take him out to Putney, and get the vet to have a look at him.
And then we'll see about getting him to either Norfolk or I do like this top, Denise.
- Do you? - Yeah.
- Baby David bought it me.
- Did he? Well, I say he bought it.
I took the money out of his post office account.
But I'll put it back again when I'm straight, you know.
Yeah.
How much has he got left in there now? Well, what with the expensive Christmas and, you know, my highlights, nothing.
Oh.
What did you get him for Christmas? - Dave made him something.
Didrt you? - Yeah.
- Did you, Dave? - Have you, lad? Yeah, I made him a garage out of one of Denise's old shoe boxes.
And I used a couple of her old heated rollers, you know, for the car wash.
Oh, Dave, you're dead handy, aren't you? Dead bloody tight! I also made him a couple of petrol pumps out of some old matchboxes.
- It's even got unleaded! - Ooh! - You've got to, for the environment.
- Yeah.
- I put a diesel pump in there, as well.
- Did you? Mmm.
You know, for diesel cars.
- Ooh.
- And trucks.
And lorries.
And types of tractors that use diesel.
All right, Dave! We get the bloody idea about the diesel.
Bloody hell! Why didn't you make a little terror to rob the cars, while they're in there paying? - Right, he's gone to sleep.
- Aw.
Aw, Darren, thanks for that car stereo.
You couldn't nick us a bloody car to go with it, could you, son? Oh, Darren, I bet you're thinking about your brother today, aren't you? - Do they get a Christmas meal inside? - I don't know, Barbara.
Oh.
Don't they get Christmas leave, Darren? He was offered it, but he wanted to stay in prison with his mates.
Ooh! Imagine spending Christmas Day inside, Darren.
Do you know, some people don't celebrate Christmas at all.
What? Like me dad? Wahey! Boo! Why didn't you have your Christmas dinner in your own home, Darren? - Oh, Mam! - Me mum's still poorly.
- Me dad couldn't be arsed.
- Savir his money, more bloody like it! How is your mam? - Is she still on sick leave? - Yeah.
Aw.
Has she had any visitors? Only the bailiffs! You're probably better off here, then, son.
Yeah, there's nowt to sit on at our house.
Hey, I'll soon get that sorted.
I've got a mate at DFS, but they're shut now.
I'll have to wait till after Christmas.
Where's your dad sitting, then? In the pub.
Ooh, we are still coming to yours for Boxing Day, aren't we, Denise? I'm really looking forward to it.
It'll be the first time we've ever done something like that on Boxing Day.
The thing is, I haven't really had time to get anything in.
Shall I do something and bring it round? Yeah, yeah.
Actually, that's a right load of messing about.
I think it'd be better for you if we all came here again.
- Is that all right, Mam? - Yeah.
Bloody hell! Lurch, come on, son, answer the bloody door! Leave them there, Barb.
Hello, Em.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
- Hello, Valerie.
- Happy Christmas, Antony.
- Hello, Antony.
All the best, mate.
- Hiya.
Hiya! This is my mum, Valerie.
Mum, this is Mr and Mrs Royle, Jim and Barbara.
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Jim.
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Barbara.
- And this is my dad, Roger.
- Hello, Roger.
- Hello, Jim.
- Hello, Roger.
Hello, Barbara.
- This is Denise and David.
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Denise.
- Hello, Roger.
- Hello, Denise.
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, David.
- Hello, Roger.
- Hello, David.
- That's Nana over there.
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Nana.
Hello, Roger.
- Hello, Nana.
- And this is Darren.
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Darren.
- Hello, Roger.
- Hello, Darren.
Ooh, isn't this lovely? Oh, can I take your coat, Valerie? Antony, get Roger's.
- Sorry.
- You all right, mate? Cheers.
- Is it real leather, Valerie? - Yeah.
Ooh.
Well, come on, then.
Come and sit down.
Come on, everybody.
Jim, put some music on.
Jim.
Jim! All right, Barb.
Bloody hell.
- Can I sit next to Valerie? - Yes.
Do you want to sit there, Valerie? - You sit there, Mam.
- Ta, love.
Denise, will you help me with that? - There you go, Jim.
- Ooh, lovely.
Bottle of Moet.
There you go, Dave.
Hide that till the bugger's gone.
- You having a cig, Rog? - Yeah, might as well.
- I have a friend called Valerie.
- Oh, have you? Sadly, she's been sectioned.
# We're here tonight # And that's enough # Your Roger's a big, fat lad, irt he? # Simply having a wonderful Christmas time # - Would you like a hard-boiled egg? - Oh, thanks.
- What about you, Jim? What do you do? - Oh, I was laid off.
Bloody Thatcher, wasrt it? You know the game.
The next think I knew, I was on my way to the bloody dance.
What dance was that? The redun-dance! The redun-dance! Since then, I haven't had a single bloody offer.
- So you've applied for stuff? - What's the use at my age? I'm on the scrapheap, aren't I? I did have a little overnight security job, but, well I got caught on camera, sleeping, so I couldn't even bloody deny it.
Right.
Mmm.
And I do love to work, you know, lad.
Whoo, I'm a bloody grafter! Anyone round here'll tell you that.
- Hey, I'm always looking for blokes - No, no, no, you're all right.
I've got far too much to do now, what with Barbara working and a big family.
Well, you know what it's like, Rog.
Come on, everybody.
Time for crackers.
- Ooh! - Antony, Emma! Darren! Come on, crackers! Who do you want to pull your cracker with? Do you want to pull it with Darren? No! I don't want to pull me cracker with Darren.
- Who do you want to pull it with, then? - Well, I was hoping for Valerie.
Oh.
Yeah, well, pull it with Valerie, then.
You two can pull yours together.
Barbara, who am I going to pull my cracker with? Well, with Denise, Dave.
She is your wife.
Roger, do you mind pulling yours with Jim? Oh, right, yeah.
Can't we just pull the bloody thing? This bloody Christmas, it's a racket! You're right there, mate.
Darren, you haven't got anyone to pull yours with.
Darren can pull his own.
He's used to that.
You havir that, Davey? Ooh, Darren, you can pull yours with me.
Now, is everybody ready? Right.
Everybody? Ready? Right.
Three two one pull.
Ooh! Ooooh! Barbara, can I have that box? - Yeah.
What for, Dave? - I want to make Baby David an ice rink.
Aw! Valerie, hat! - Roger, hat! - Oh, right.
Valerie's got the same colour as me.
Yeah.
Isn't that lovely? Mum? Can we go in the kitchen for a ciggy? Yeah, course.
Off you go.
God, Emma, I'm sorry about me dad.
No, God, I'm sorry about my dad.
I'm sorry about my dad, then.
What? We've looked at a little terrace for Emma and Antony for when the baby's born.
Roger and I thought, you know, we could all chip in.
Well All chip in for a terraced house? Bloody hell, you're joking, aren't you? They can have Denise's old room.
Bloody hell! We can pay for it, but we don't want you to think we're taking over.
Oh, no, no, you take over as much as you want, love.
I'm thinking we should have the baby delivered privately.
The NHS just churn anything out.
Well, Denise and Dave went NHS for little Baby David.
So, well, I've got no complaints about the NHS.
We'll pay for it.
You just want the best for your kids, don't you? Oh, yeah, I totally bloody agree with you.
The NHS has gone completely down the bloody pan.
We're talking about a newborn baby here, not a bag of bloody crisps.
Er this week I'd like to er nominate er Sada.
Wahey! Sada.
He's class.
Sad-a.
Oh, yes, I've gone from a B to a D, Barbara.
- What's she had done? - Implants, Nana.
Ooh, are you all right, sitting in that hard-backed chair, Valerie? - Oh, yes.
- Oh.
Oh, they're lovely, Valerie.
Jim, don't Valerie's implants look lovely? They're great, them, Valerie.
Lovely, them, Valerie.
Dave? - Mm? - Arert they lovely? Yeah, they're smashing, them er two, Valerie.
Oh, Valerie, Mary next door will be really sick she's missed 'em.
- I got her them for Christmas, you know.
- Oh, well done.
She didn't want them.
She wanted a Dyson.
- Oh, well, I'd love a Dyson.
- I'd love a Dyson.
Actually, I did get a Dyson as well.
Oh, Valerie, what a Christmas! Implants and a Dyson! It was in the paper about a woman who had implants.
She went on an aircraft.
And her implants blew up the aircraft! No, they didn't blow up the plane, Mam.
They just popped out of her bra.
Valerie, Valerie Did they say anything about aircraft when they installed your implants? No.
Barbara, didn't Elsie next door have implants? - No, eggplants, Mam.
- Oh.
Erm Valerie, I wanted to have a breast reduction, but Dave wouldn't let me.
Well, he works long hours, Denise.
- Be fair.
- Yeah.
You're lovely and slim, Valerie.
Irt she, Denise? Lovely and slim! Oh, yeah, Valerie.
You're lovely and slim, Valerie.
Roger treated me to liposuction for my birthday.
- I had my thighs and my tummy done.
- Oooh! Ooh! Liposuction! - Oh, I'd love liposuction.
- Oh, yeah, I'd love liposuction.
So would I.
What is it exactly, Valerie? A technique where they suck out the fatty deposits in your body.
Oh! Think of Cheryl next door.
She could do with some liposuction, couldn't she? You could always borrow Valerie's Dyson! Are you having that one, David? Are you? He's class.
Sad-a! This week, I would like to nominate er Sarder.
I tell you what, Valerie.
If you want to nip into the bakery where I work, I'll slip you a couple of ice fingers for free.
It's what I do for Mary.
I charge her for two, but I give her four.
It's stealing, really, but well, it's only ice fingers, irt it? Have you got a nice house, Valerie? Oh, yeah, it's lovely.
We're in the middle of building a little annexe to put my mother in.
- You ever been on a cruise, Jim? - Erm Oh, no, no, no.
We're going on a cruise this year.
- Bloody hell.
- Roger! Takes in all the Med, then we jump on the Orient Express.
- Ever been on the Orient Express, Jim? - No.
Oh, there's a lot of murders on the Orient Express.
You want to watch it on that.
Irt that right, Barbara? - What? - There's murders on the Orient Express.
- Ever dabble on the stock market, Jim? - No, no.
What a very easy way to make a lot of money! Once, I made more in a day than I made in a year.
- Ever heard of the Masons, Jim? - The Masors Arms! No, the Freemasons.
Hey, it comes in handy.
I had a court case.
I took it to the lodge and the police evidence disappeared.
Bloody hell, Dave! Darren should join the bloody Masons! Tell you what.
Valerie, you organise this.
We'll get 'em on the boat.
It's a 42-footer, you know.
Has it got a toilet? She got two.
That's great, because my hovercraft's still being repaired.
Hey, I'm only from a place like this.
I'm a self-made man.
Wasrt my mam's place as bad as this? I mean, I didn't have a pot to piss in, me.
And look at me now.
Sada! - Sade.
- Sada.
- Sade.
- Nominate Sada.
Nominate Sade.
- Do you like football, Jim? - Oh, I love it.
- I've got a box at Old Trafford.
- Get away! And I've got one at Maine Road.
I do some of my best deals in them boxes.
Ooh! Do you know who we see a lot of, socially? Joe Longthorne.
I mean, I don't care for him much, me.
He's a bit of a show-off.
Joe Longthorne! Do you get up to the Lake District much, Jim? Not that lately.
We've got what I call our second home, you know.
It's more of a country retreat, really.
Have you, Roger? A country retreat! Oooh! Valerie, would you like a snowball? Oh, no, thanks.
Oh, can I have another snowball, Barbara? - With a bit of brandy in it.
- Right.
Barbara, I'd like more brandy than snowball, please.
Oh, yeah, show Darren that tummy scan.
- Oh, yeah.
- Show you something, mate.
Look at that.
It's top, innit? Yeah, it's top, that, mate.
What is it? It's a scan of the baby.
Here.
Oh oh, right.
And there's its head.
- Oh, yeah! - Yeah.
Hey, I think it's a boy, Ant.
- No, that's its leg.
- Oh.
Oh, right.
- Em - Oh, yeah.
Erm Actually, Darren, me and Antony had something we wanted to ask you.
We'd like you to be the godfather.
- If that's all right.
- Me? - Really? - Yeah.
- Is that all right? - Yeah.
Aw, mate! Absolutely made up.
I am.
Nobody's ever asked me to do anything like this.
- Aw, mate.
- Oh, Daz.
No, it'd be an honour, mate.
- Cheers, Emma.
- It's all right.
Cheers, Antony.
Cheers, mate.
You're going to be the godfather.
I'm going to be your godfather.
Like er Don Darren.
I made you an offer you couldn't refuse.
I'm absolutely made up.
I really am.
Yes! - There's the Jag, Jim.
See it? - Mm.
See the numberplate, ROG1? - Bloody lovely, that, lad.
- It's just a runabout, really.
I've got a classic Aston Martin in the garage at home.
It's just a bit of a toy, really, but it's nice to have, innit? Too bloody true, it is, lad, yeah.
Do you know, I stay at a lot of hotels? I'm away on various jobs.
You know the first thing I do, Jim? I check in and then I pop upstairs and I check the old TV.
- You know what I mean? - Too right, Rog, yeah.
Know what I watched the other night? I went to one of them lap dancing clubs.
- What are they like, then? - You pay a tenner and you see the lot.
- A tenner? - Yeah, but you can't touch, like.
- A tenner and you can't touch? - No.
Can you keep your hands in your pockets? Shh! And I've got this woman I see in Hale, right? She calls herself a stress manager.
You know what I'm saying? She specialises in Masons.
She does all of us.
Oh, Jim, she knows some tricks.
She does things to me that Valerie couldn't even dream of.
Go 'way! She lets me do things to her you wouldn't even do to a farmyard animal! Come on, Rog, come on! You're havir me on.
Roger I made a farmyard for Baby David.
Bloody hell, Dave! I'll start robbing now from Mothercare so it's all ready for him when he's born.
- Nice one.
Cheers, mate.
- Emma, your mam and dad are going.
Ant, will you get Roger's coat, love? Oh, Emma, she's just lovely, your mam.
- Here you are, Valerie.
- Oh, thanks.
Oh, it's been really, really lovely meeting you both.
And you.
Ooh, we'll all have to come to your house next time.
Thanks, Antony.
- Do you like this coat, Jim? - Bloody smasher, that.
Not much change out of a grand, these.
It's been lovely having you, young man.
God bless you.
It's great when two families get on so well.
Thank you, Emma.
- All the best.
- You take care.
Thank you, Valerie.
All the best, love.
All the best, now.
- All the best.
- See you, pal.
- See you, Emma.
- See you, Roger.
Take care.
Ta-ra, Emma, love.
All the best, Rogie! # Christmas # Just like the ones I used to know # Eurgh! He's a bigheaded get, him! It'll take him ten minutes to get in the car with his bloody big head! His house, his car and his bloody yacht.
Even his poor, bloody wife! And I tell you what.
I'd love to meet bloody Joe Longthorne.
- But as for you, Dave Best! - What? You were all over him like a bloody rash, you lanky, whiffling-arsed nose licker! - I'm going upstairs.
- What for? What for? To check the helicopter pad for his next flying bloody visit! # Christmas card I write # May your days # Don't you know, Roger? I kiss your bloody arse, Roger! Hey, all right, cocker, eh? I wish I'd bloody well stayed here with you, instead of downstairs with big-gob Humpty Dumpty head Roger! Are you having this, Baby David? He's got a bloody yacht, a bloody Aston bloody Martin, a bloody big house.
He's got a box at Man United, a box at bloody Manchester City.
And he's got a lovely tart out in Hale, and what have I got? I've got absolutely bloody nothing! We haven't even got a bloody Dyson! No one would have loved to have got implants for Barbara more than me.
I'd have got so much enjoyment out of them.
But what have I got? Bloody nothing! Nothing, and never have had.
Havert got two halfpennies to rub together.
I'm always bloody skint, I always will be.
Where did it all go wrong, Baby David? Eurgh grrrr! Isn't she lovely, Valerie? Oh, yeah.
- She's beautiful, Valerie, irt she? - Yeah.
Mmm.
- Barbara? - Mmm? Barbara, do you know who Valerie reminds me of? No, who, Mam? Me.
Hmm.
- Ooh, Denise.
- Hmm? - How the other half live! - Mm.
Arert you lucky, Ant, eh? Marrying into that lot.
Yeah.
Mam, does Dad still think we haven't got him a present this year? Yeah.
an enormous duvet wrapped around them.
And when they lie down in the snow, it doesn't even melt the snow they lie on.
It's a nice, warm bed.
These ones in this area are all male, are they? They are, yes Dad, aren't you bothered that we didn't get you anything this year? Huh! Why change the habit of a lifetime? Well, we all clubbed together, even Nana, and we got you this.
"To the best dad and husband in the world.
"From your loving family.
" Sky? Sky TV? You've got me Sky TV? 200 channels? Roger, my arse! # So here it is # Merry Christmas # Everybody's having fun # Look to the future now # It's only just begun # So here it is # Merry Christmas # Everybody's having fun # Look to the future now # It's only just begun #