The Weekenders (2000) s03e07 Episode Script

Hey, it's Carver.
I just found this anonymous letter stuck
to my locker.
Listen to this.
Dear Carver, you are one of the most
talented, gifted, level-headed, gifted,
well-dressed and gifted
guys I've ever known.
The question is, who wrote it?
Everyone is a suspect.
Even you.
No, not you, her!
The one with the glasses and the halter top.
I come not to pray, Caesar,
but to bury him
in croutons!
Let the gluttony begin.
Anybody seen Carv'?
He's probably still at school reading
that note from his secret admirer~
How do you know about it?
Obviously, she planted it
to mess with his head.
Bad form, Tish!
Bad, bad, bad form.
I didn't write it.
I just got to it before he did.
It was right out in the open,
begging to be peeked at!
Bad form.
Bad, bad, bad, bad
Lor, you're stuck.
Bad, bad, sorry.
So, what'd the note say?
I don't remember exactly, but
the word "gifted" was used repeatedly.
Uh-oh.
We'd better get to Carver before trying to guess
who his secret admirer is, liquefies his brain.
Whoa, Billius Maximus!
We're too late.
Brain liquefaction has begun.
Quick, somebody stick their fingers
in his ears so it doesn't leak out.
I did it last time..
Carver, you okay?
It's us.
We're here to help.
Okay, take your eyes away from the note.
Easy now.
I know who wrote it.
My secret admirer is you!
Major brain liquefaction.
I'd recognize the smell of your
muskmelon hand lotion anywhere!
I didn't write the note, Carver.
I just sorta read it.
Then who could it be?
Everybody stand back.
He's going into fantasy mode.
I bet she had red hair.
No, make that dark brown with a ponytail.
And definitely not so tall.
Now, smaller ears, perkier nose,
eyes further apart
Ugh, we're so close.
Try dimples and a shorter skirt
and I think we got the one I want.
I can't believe you.
You're imagining your perfect woman and
all you talk about is how she looks.
And you can't believe this, because ?
I solved the mystery.
Carver's secret admirer is
no one!
The note says talented, gifted, level-headed.
Obviously, it was meant for
Thompson Overman, not you!
I'm thinking Carver's Mom
left a note to boost his confidence.
Or maybe there's more than one Carver.
It's a very popular name these days.
That does it.
I'm standing.
Let me get this straight.
Not one of you thinks it's possible
that I have a secret admirer.
Come on.
We'd never say that.
Out loud.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I'll prove you wrong.
I'm gonna find this mystery girl if I have to stake-out
my locker all weekend waitin' for the next note.
I give you ten points for
level of commitment,
but five point penalty for forgetting
school is closed on the weekend.
Oh, yeah.
Sloppy storage!
Fifteen point penalty!
We should have never of
given her that whistle.
Maybe she's your admirer, Carv'.
Couldn't be.
She's not cute enough.
And she's taller than me.
Could it be her?
Absolutely.
How about her?
Ah, no way.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Carver!
Every single time Tino points
to a cute girl, you think it's her!
But when it comes to the
more appearance-challenged girls,
you look like you
swallowed a snail.
Yeah.
Ew.
And do you know why?
Because you are an S-N-O-B-B.
Snobba-ba?
S-N-O-B-B.
It stands for "Snooty Nitwit
Overcome by Beauty."
Where does she get these things?
Tish, Tish, Tish.
Why shouldn't I be snooty
with classical features like these?
Note the strong, yet elegant jaw.
What the
Check it out, Carv'.
It's more fanmail from You-Don't-Know-Who.
Are we gonna hear it or not?
Hey, that's personal.
Oh, man, it sure is.
"You are creative, handsome, and dynamic."
"You should get a government
grant just for being you."
Whoever wrote it should still be around.
I want an area sealed off!
I want roadblocks.
Spy satellites.
Or you could just ask people
how they spell "handsome"?
Because whoever wrote this
spells it without a 'D'.
That'd work, too.
Ten point penalty for overreacting.
Don't make me bench you, Descartes!
Excuse me.
How do you spell "handsome"?
Buzz off! Or I'll call a cop!
M-E-L, G-I-B-S-O-N.
We're not allowed to talk
to strangers about spelling.
Guys were right.
That note was probably
just a joke or a mistake.
Maybe some kind of advertisement.
Hi, Carver.
Oh, hi, Nona.
I have a confession to make.
Well, I'm not ordained, but I'll listen.
I'm the one who wrote those notes.
What?
Are you okay?
Sure, fine.
It was just a little tall.
I mean, a little fall.
Oh, my gosh.
She's a giant!
Look, Nona, I really
appreciated your notes.
Thank gosh.
I was afraid you'd be another
one of those stupid guys
who has a problem
with tall girls.
Stupid guys.
But you're not like that, right?
No, no, no, no, no!
Your altitude has nothin' to do with this!
In all honesty, I think that
without beating around the bush
and being straightforward,
your notes were very
legible.
You should consider
a career in calligraphy!
Carver, can I walk you home?
No, thanks.
I think both my legs are broken.
I could carry you.
Did I mention I'm afraid of heights?
Not that you're too tall,
'cause you're not!
Actually, I'm mainly afraid of wits.
Okay, bye.
Mom, could you describe this vegetable?
Why, yes, I can.
It's blue.
Uh-huh.
Is it supposed to be blue, or did you try to hide
something awful by dying it my favorite colour?
Tell them you're eating.
I'll tell them I'm considering eating.
Yeah, this is Tino.
Over.
It's Carver.
I'm calling an emergency meeting.
Over.
Sure.
Where 'n when?
Over.
I guess here and now.
Cause we're right outside your window.
Over?
Okay.
Remember how I swore I'd prove you all
wrong and find my secret admirer?
I sense an embarrassing
confession coming up!
It's mmm.
Mmm.
Well
It's Nona.
That Nona?
Yeah.
Well, what's embarrassing about that?
Nona's cute?
Oh yeah, she's cute enough, but
She's just so tall.
Everyone would make fun o' me.
Everyone makes fun o' you, anyway!
Ever since that thing with the
firehose and the poodle.
Nothing was ever proven.
Carver?
You You You
Guy !
All you care about is appearances.
You don't know anything about Nona!
You were right, Tish.
He's a total S-N-O-B-B.
If Nona were here, she could get that
down.
Dude, why are we looking at produce?
I'm on a mission to identify a certain
vegetable.
A certain blue vegetable.
I'm just saying you should
consider who she really is.
All you care about is how she looks!
It's not how she looks.
It's how I look.
Up at her.
Oh, come on.
A lotta guys like tall girls!
Look, there are certain
irrational fears most guys have,
and one of 'em
is being with tall girls!
It makes us feel, you know, small.
We like to feel big and macho
and manly, right, Tino?
Ah!
A spider!
Never mind.
Check it out.
Mr Pineapplehead is
having a family reunion.
Hey!
Ouch?
I wonder how much he costs per pound?
Man, I wish my head were full of
juicy tropical goodness.
Man, I hate people like that!
They don't know anything about me.
They're just judging me
totally based on my appear.. ance.
Oops.
Oops?
Is that all you can say?
Um, oopsie daisy?
Try "I realize this is exactly
how I've been treating Nona,
rejecting her based solely on her appearance,
because I am nothing but a
Snooty Nitwit Overcome By Beauty!
Okay.
I was wrong.
I owe Nona an apology.
500 points for bein' a good guy.
We have a winner!
You know, Carv'.
Sometimes..
I never noticed before.
But Tino's head looks exactly
like a pumpkin.
Now on Halloween, all we gotta do
is stick a candle in his mouth
and set him on the porch.
Owie.
What's up?
Nona, I have to apologize.
All this time I
I had a problem with your height.
I never got to know you as a person.
Don't you think that's kinda shallow?
Duh.
That's why I'm apologizing.
So why the change of heart?
Well, these guys at the market said that my head
looked like a pineapple and I got to thinking
Oh, my gosh?
It does look like a pineapple.
I mean, how interesting.
Did I mention I'm afraid of pineapples?
Not that you're a pineapple.
Actually, I'm mainly afraid of coconuts.
Okay, bye.
Can you believe it?
She ditched me 'cause of the
shape of my head!
Now I do know somethin'
about her as a person!
She's totally shallow.
Like me.
Hmm.
Suddenly I'm kinda interested.
Later days.
Nona!
Nona!
Wait up!