Those Who Can't (2016) s03e07 Episode Script

1 [BABY CRYING, DOG BARKING.]
FAIRBELL: See? I told you my cousin was a celebrity.
That's him wrestling the dog.
Fairbell, this is just white-trash hillbillies fighting, and poorly.
It doesn't make your cousin Internet-famous.
Okay, "hillbilly" is a hurtful term.
They prefer the term "holler folk.
" SHOEMAKER: Well, at least have the decency to get up out of the trash.
It's a trash fight.
This is what happens when you let Fairbell drive.
Give me this.
This is that wing-ding kid I was telling you guys about.
- Oh, yeah.
- Wing-ding! [LAUGHTER.]
What's up, guys? Wing-Ding Kid! - Smash that like button below - Wait a second.
- This kid goes to Smoot.
- He's in my study hall.
All the other kids act like he's some sort of celebrity.
Check out videos every Thursday, press "subscribe" for more awesome wing-dings! One million views for this garbage! You see, this is the problem with the world today.
Who finds that funny? My favorite part was when he's all, "Wing-ding!" Remember? See, you guys are just too old and out of touch to understand.
It's not about the "wing-ding.
" Oh, really? Enlighten us, then.
What is it about? Well, it's, uh It's clearly about a subversion of respect.
- Oh.
- Wherein the winged hot boy usurps various archetypes.
It's textbook hot-boy usurpation.
- It's textbook.
- Those are words.
- Mm-hmm.
- I hope you have a plastic bag to put all that dog shit in that just came out of your mouth.
- I'm right about this.
- Hey, kid.
Come over here.
Uh, tell us, why do kids like these "Wing-Ding" videos? I mean, I guess it's, like, a subversion of respect, you know? - Oh! - But Wing-Ding Kid is a kind of hot boy for all of us, a hot boy that usurps archetypes.
- Just get out of here.
- Yeah, go to class.
- Get out of here.
- You nailed it.
Anyway, one thing I can tell you I don't have time for this flash-in-the-pan Internet BS stuff, okay? That guy Yeah, he'll be forgotten faster than even Fairbell's trashy cousins.
- I promise you.
- Wing-ding! Holy crud! Are you serious right now?! Are you serious?! Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through Ooh, the brown kind! Fairbell.
It buffered.
- Oh.
Oh.
- Get in here.
- I'm Uncle Jake.
- Oh, another one? Uncle Jake spent his entire advertising budget - on these things.
- Because I don't think that you need to be a goddamn millionaire to be able to afford quality ingredients, unlike some of our competitors, who use garbage trash that they found in the alley! - Jake, where's the fire extinguisher? - What? I'm in the middle of doing a Crazy Uncle Jake's ad.
- It's bad.
- How bad? Worse than last week.
But hotter.
Uncle Jake's Pizza Official pizza of the Denver Broncos The horses, not the team! [SMOKE ALARM BEEPING.]
Aah! - Wing-ding! - Holy crud! Holy crud! Holy crud! What's up, guys? Wing-Ding Kid smackdown "Holy crud"? What is he, a youth pastor? 1.
1 million views? Shoemaker's the most popular Wing-Ding video to date.
It has nothing to do with Shoemaker.
Wing-Ding Kid has never dinged a teacher.
This is textbook hot-boy usurpation escalation.
I like how it started with the fire at the pizza shop, but then it was about Holy Crud Guy.
That's just good storytelling.
That was the commercial before the video.
You know they're entirely different things, right? Oh, my gosh, he's here.
- Holy Crud Guy.
- [APPLAUSE.]
Thank you! Thank you! Yes, yes, very impressive how Shoemaker unknowingly appeared in a video.
- Bravo.
- I know, right?! So, get this I go to my coffee shop and I get up to the cashier and the cashier says, "You're money's no good here.
" Yeah, and I figured that Tampa had just canceled my credit card again.
- Sure.
- But then they gave it to me for free.
- What? - Yeah! And they wrote this on it.
- [GASPS.]
What?! - Holy Crud Guy.
- Lucky! - [LAUGHS.]
Then how cool is that? Apparently this Wing-Ding dude has a way bigger reach than I thought originally.
I mean, it's been pretty amazing to see all the people I am so sorry.
Maybe you didn't realize this is the faculty cafeteria, you fu Mr.
Holy Crud Guy, can I get a picture with you? Well, yeah! A fan? Why didn't you just say so? Hey, what's-your-face, hold this real quick.
Fairbell, come take a photo of us.
Come on.
Gi Take the photo, you moron! This is bullshit! I can't believe Wing-Ding Kid picked Shoemaker.
What a wasted opportunity.
If he'd picked me, that video would have 2 mil views, guaranteed, first day.
Wing-Ding Kid should have chosen me, but, no, another straight white male.
Go figure.
Why does the Internet hate women? This was good.
This was good.
So you go here? Yeah, I, uh Your Your class, fifth period Brady.
- Don't talk much.
- Oh, there you are! There you are, Peter! - Yeah.
I see you.
- Oh, that's my little buddy.
That's my little friend.
He doesn't know that kid's name.
Well, thank you for coming out.
That was fun.
Okay, but seriously, this is the faculty cafeteria, so get out of here.
Wow! So cool to just connect with the fans, huh? Okay, relax, Shoemaker.
That is Wing-Ding Kid's fan.
You're just his latest victim.
Yeah, it could have been anybody.
Jealous much? [CHUCKLES.]
Mmm! Everything tastes better when it's free.
- Tangy.
- Gross.
What are you, my stalker or something? - Kind of.
- Cool.
Stay on my six.
Let everybody see you.
My agent, Lucius, at Forbes, is fielding a lot of offers for branded content.
Brandon, there's no talking in study hall.
We did a call-out to that "That's What You Think" girl about going to homecoming with me.
Huge crossover buzz.
- Check out the video.
- That's what you think! And no cellphone usage, either.
Whoa.
Hey.
That That's not a cellphone, Ms.
Logan.
Oh, really? See, that's the paintbrush for my art.
Ah.
But I, you know, wouldn't expect you to understand that because you're old and scared of the Internet.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Okay.
Yeah, oh, I am so old and scared of the Internet that I have reached platinum pen-pal status on thislldo.
net.
- What's that? - It's You know, it's nothing.
You're right.
I'm afraid of the Internet.
Hey, yo, what up, Wing-Ding Dawg.
Keep their heads ringing, right? - Straight, pock.
- Death bro? Okay, I saw the latest video.
1.
1 million views.
Dude, nice! But "Holy Crud" guy Ugh! Am I right, guys? Weak sauce! Put me in your next video, and I guarantee 3 million views on the first day, straight up.
'Cause you'll wing-ding me, and I'll be like, "Dios mio!" and that's the Latin market That, real talk, you're missing right now.
Well, thanks, Mr.
Payton.
- I'll be sure to call you - Cool.
As soon as I'm ready to commit career suicide.
[LAUGHTER.]
God.
- "Dios mio"? - That's what you think! Who would have thought a little 16-year-old Internet celeb would be such a prick? This is why we need more diverse voices in our web-prank content.
I pitched him the "Dios mio" thing.
He wouldn't bite.
No, I mean more diverse voices like mine.
Yeah, well, regardless whether it's you or me, someone needs to put this Wing-Ding Kid in his place.
- Wait a minute.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Totally.
- That kid must get so much pus - We make a video! - We make a video.
- Gross.
Yes, we make a video.
Same page.
- Video.
- Gross.
SHOEMAKER: Now, sometime in late 1937, I like to imagine that the folks of Nanking were probably saying to themselves ALL: Holy crud! [LAUGHS.]
Jackpot! Yeah! Ooh, ooh, "jackpot" Will you write that down in your little leather-bound And make sure you get the exclamation point on it.
Attaboy.
Anyway, um Oh, God, where was I? Uh Oh, we were gonna watch your video again.
Maybe this time in slow motion.
Yeah, all right! Come on! [LAUGHS.]
Now, you you do know I ad-libbed all of this? Yeah, one take.
I'm just not in love with any of these.
I think we're over-thinking this, you know? "America's Funniest Home Videos" That set the standard.
Guy getting hit in the crotch Slam dunk.
Every time.
Why does it always have to be a guy? Why can't a woman get hit in the crotch? Because that's not funny.
There's no stakes there, Abbey.
Fine.
I'll just do a talking-head video where I thoughtfully and inclusively screech my views into the camera.
Hey, I am all for you being the star of this thing, okay, but your head is not what Japanese businessmen want to see.
It's just not.
Loren, for the last time, I'm not doing that.
Okay, fine.
Then we're out of ideas for a viral video.
Are you happy? God, this code is so hard to crack.
Well, what was that bullshit you were talking about earlier? Oh, well, listen, usurpation is not a given.
It's part of the ephemeral nature of the Internet that has to be organic to the original hot boy.
- And that's - We just need to find someone who thinks on the level of an average Internet moron.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yes! Totally! Fairbell can help us make a video! You could probably just take your top off! We don't even need the piss cam! No, y-your thing.
What you said.
- Yeah.
- Fairbell.
[CHUCKLES.]
You think it's about a shirtless guy putting on deodorant, but, plot twist, it's about a goat falling asleep just standing up.
Fairbell, can you please, please stop watching animal videos and tell us Wing-Ding became so popular? Duh! He's hilarious! "Wing-ding!" Just sounds funny.
It's like a doorbell or something, like a catchy, funny doorbell.
And so the key is a catchphrase? No, it's like a short saying that you repeat over and over again so it gets stuck in people's heads.
That's what you should do.
Like, "Ding-dong!" Or like, "Dong-ding!" Even better.
"Wing-ping!" Or, "Wong-ping!" Hmm? Or, "Ping-ping!" Or, "Ting-ting!" Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I mean, probably not.
We should probably just do what Fairbell says.
Really? It's so stupid.
I'm beginning to think that's the point.
I hope you're writing these down.
[LAUGHS.]
"Ding-king!" "Ting-ring!" Ooh! Obviously not that one.
[SHOUTING.]
Whoa! Hot off the CafePress.
That's right! All the unlicensed "Holy Crud" merch your little hearts could desire, huh? Yeah.
Let me show you what I got here.
All right, first up Cruds MacKenzie.
Huh? No one? Come on, you don't You remember the old beer advertisements? That's for you, super fan.
All right, now, now, now, now, now, check this one out.
Cruddy Holly! That's a fun little play on words, and this one isn't gonna crash and burn like he did.
All right, music lover, that's yours.
All right, my favorite.
Probably the pinnacle for me.
Check this bad boy out.
"This Crud's For You.
" No? Nothing? The old beer advertis Anyway, it's lit.
Trust me.
Okay, now, let's talk prices.
- I am going to be asking $40 a pop.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Now, you're saying to yourself, "That is a bit pricey.
" BRANDON: Wing-ding! Wing-ding! Wing-ding! But I had to pay some thieving open-mic comics to write those puns, which cost a bit more than I Okay, well, all right.
I'm losing a few of you.
Well, ah, ah, ah, twist my arm.
All right, $30 for the t-shirts now.
I will come down on the price because you guys liked me when I was dog shit, and I don't forget that kind of s Hey, hey! Wait, wait, wait! Where are you going? The Wing-Ding Kid just posted a new video.
He "wing-dinged" City Comptroller Theresa Ortega.
- She's, like, famous.
- Well, what am I? Dog shit? Hey, hey, hey! I'm gonna need $40 for that shirt.
- You said $30.
- No, I never said that.
I was just gonna swim in it anyway, so [SAD MUSIC PLAYS.]
Ohh.
Gadzooks! Ooh.
BRANDON: Wing-ding! Okay, okay, all right, there he is.
There he is.
Let's go over the plan one more time.
I run up there.
I poke Steven in the belly button, yell, "Ding-dong!" and, Abbey, you just film.
Oh.
Awesome.
So I just get shoved out of the way so another sausage video gets made.
We've been over this.
There's a lack of female directors, too.
Come on! Fairbell, you remember your part of the plan? I got it.
I got it.
No direct eye contact because you get stage fright.
Exactly.
Thank you very much.
All right, then we just upload this sucker and just sit back and wait for the endorsement deals to come in.
I bet we get movie offers.
I'll probably get my own signature IPA out of the whole deal.
And the best part is Wing-Ding Kid will just disappear into our rear-view mirror.
- I mean, this formula's golden.
- Right? A couple of teachers joking around in school, being goofs.
It's like they're worse than the kids they teach.
I would watch like a hundred episodes if that was a show.
I'm gonna be so much better than Shoemaker.
I mean, um, I'll be the first woman to, uh, shatter the pixilated Internet scene.
Do you want a third crack at that, or are you good here? Just go ding-dong Steven.
- Okay.
- Ding-dong! [LAUGHS.]
This is Abbey Ribitowitz Logan Can you move? Bup, bup, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Okay, perfect.
This is Abbey Ribitowitz Logan coming at you live.
That's right.
I'm a woman.
So sorry.
Deal with it.
Thanks a lot.
Before that, I'm gonna break it down for you haters.
- We've got a - Hey, Sweens.
Can I help you with something, Loren? Um, no.
I'm I'm good.
I'm cool.
Women can be funny.
We can be as funny as dogs.
- We can be as funny as cats.
- Yeah, you're acting weird.
- What are you up to? - Nothing.
Anyway, ding-dong! - Oh! - Aah! 'Cause dat's what I think, girl! - Oh, my God! Come on! - Shit! Oh, God, you broke my nose! Run! Go, go, go! Do you think we're still gonna go viral? Why would you try to touch my belly button? I thought we could maybe be friends or something, you know? That's the way you make friends? Jesus.
Oh, that right there sick.
That was That was straight fire right there.
That Man, that's bomb tits right there.
- Okay.
- What? Hey, listen, I really appreciate you taking the time to sit down with me, - Wing-Ding Kid.
- Hey, let's just make it quick, okay? I got a Skype call with YouTube Orange in five minutes.
- Whoa, what's that? - Nobody knows.
Look, what can I do you for, Holy Crud Guy? Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about, you know, this idea I had of maybe you and I collabo-ing again? Huh? You know, seeing as how I'm your most popular vid to date, I don't You are not anymore, dude.
I winged the ding out of City Comptroller Theresa Ortega.
Yeah, that that video's through the stratosphere.
Well, that's not a big deal because we're about to blow this into the ether, all right?! Check this out.
I've been working on some ideas.
So you come up Classic wing-ding.
"Wing-ding!" And then I'm like, "Ooh, gadzooks!" You know? Something I can hold.
Or like, "Oh, what the geez?!" You know? Something like that.
Something that you can put on a t-shirt.
See, I think that our audience is in in desperate Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you say, "our audience"? It's It's my audience.
Well, Holy Crud Guy helped.
Do you think you're some sort of influencer? - Yeah, I guess.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Is this Is this merch? This is merch.
- Yeah, I made some shirts, and I-I - Dude, you are so sad.
Guys, he made merch.
[LAUGHTER.]
"Crud Bundy.
" Where's that? "Where's" No, David Faustino.
"Married With Children"? Oh, my God.
You kids do not get my timely references.
I probably shouldn't have spent $400 on all these shirts.
New idea.
Peep this, G! You wear them in your newest video! I wouldn't even swim in those.
Look, face it, bro.
Holy Crud Guy You're a one-ding wonder.
- Be gone.
- [CELLPHONE RINGS, BEEPS.]
Lucius, baby! How's it going? - Yo, Dingy, baby, who's that? - Oh, no, he's nobody.
I'm thinking we go out into the streets - and dress up - [SAD MUSIC PLAYS.]
Who knew Steven was such a badass? Um, not me.
- My turn.
- It's not your turn.
- You're not even a real doctor.
- Oh, yeah? Well, Quinn said if we're gonna split the paycheck, I got to start pulling my weight.
- Okay.
Just - Please.
Can you not be in my shadow? Well, lose some weight, and the shadow shrinks.
- Ah, Jesus! Go easy! - I think, girl! [GROANS.]
There it is.
- I-Shit! - Oh, come on.
You completely missed the punch, Abbey.
That's pathetic.
No wonder there's no women directors on the Internet.
- Ohh.
- Why is everybody calling me an otter in the comments? What is an otter? BOTH: It's a small, hairy gay man.
Don't even sweat the comments.
They don't even make sense.
Look, they call me the "retread.
" Damn auto-correct.
You haven't read the worst comment.
- It's from Wing-Ding Kid.
- Where? Like, he's all, "Check out these knees!" How does this comment have 250 likes when the video only has 13 views? Uh, 'cause your idea sucked.
I should never have stopped my biting social commentary to film your stupid punch.
We can't beat him with a cheap knock-off.
We need an even cheaper direct rip-off.
We need to wing-ding Wing-Ding Kid.
- Yes! - Yes! Exactly! But no one knows when he's gonna wing-ding.
So you lure him out into the open with a wing-ding opportunity - that he can't resist twins.
- That he can't resist - twins.
- Why are you finishing my sentences? - You were running out of steam.
- Oh, I'm not running out of steam.
- You were running out of steam.
I'm ramping up the steam.
I thought you were gonna fall asleep in the middle of that.
No one gives a shit about twins, you guys.
Oh, yeah? Tell that to the Menendez brothers.
- Okay, they were not twins.
- And that was their problem.
But the Greenes are onto something.
To catch viral-video flies, you need celebrity honey.
I mean, think about it.
Wing-Ding Kid dinged a teacher, then a city comptroller.
ABBEY: The dings are getting more high-profile.
- He's dinging up.
- Exactly.
Hi, I'm Uncle Jake from Uncle Jake's Pizza.
Contrary to what you may have heard, I'm doing just fine.
You can't ding any higher than a local celeb.
Oh, let's get Holy Crud Guy.
No! My cousin Uncle Jake.
- Is it gas? - I think that's gas.
It's gas! There's a leak! Okay, run! Everybody run! - Oh, God, not him.
- Yeah.
It's decided.
[CAR HORN HONKING.]
There he is.
Aw, yeah! Thanks for doing this, Jake.
- Hell, yeah, cuz.
We fam.
- Yeah, we are.
Wait, you You got Nana's Caddy? Yeah, who else was she gonna give it to? - All right, what are we doing? - All right, it's pretty simple.
I just need you to stand out in the open, hand out pizza cash, promote the biz.
That's it.
And then some kid's just gonna come up and try and fuck me like a bird, like in cloaca.
- Exactly.
Exactly.
- It's called wing-dinging.
By the way, I'm a huge fan of your videos, especially the one where you get really burned, and then all of a sudden, it's about an elephant and a dog becoming unlikely friends.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Is that guy retreaded? - He's a little retreaded.
Just think of yourself as bait, Jake.
The bait.
Oh, so, like, "To Catch a Predator," but I'm the sweet, sweet child butt that everyone's after.
Uh, yeah, but do you have to phrase it like that? - I mean, I'd prefer to.
- All right, and then when Wing-Ding Kid tries to wing-ding you, I run out and wing-ding him.
A hot-boy status usurpation by an elder hot boy.
I never know what you're talking about, cousin.
[SAD MUSIC PLAYS.]
Serves me right.
Flew too close to the sun.
It's all so fleeting.
Just look at these Holy Crud Guy comments.
"He looks like Matchbox 20's fat older brother.
" [LAUGHS.]
That's kind of funny.
Why would you do this to yourself? You shut your mouth, Brady.
I need to see this.
Hmm.
Look at this one.
"Aw, look what they scraped off of Kat Von D's tattoo parlor floor.
" Nice! JAKE: Who doesn't want pizza, huh? $5 off.
The guy from Uncle Jake's is giving out free pizza cash.
Yes, there you go! Uncle Jake's Pizzeria.
Mr.
Shoemaker, can we go? Since when do you need my permission to leave? Right.
Duh.
Come on, guys.
Onto the next star that burns so bright.
Onto the next eagle that soars on wings of crud.
Celebrities.
Celebrity.
That's it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Pizza cash.
Uncle Jake-eria's Pizza.
Uncle Jake's Pizzeria.
Pizza cash! - Where's Wing-Ding Kid? - Don't worry.
He'll show.
- It's a real promotion.
- It's Holy Crud Guy! - Oh, my God.
- Here you go.
Pizza cash.
Get out of here with that shirt.
- Weirdo.
- Hey, there, Cousin Uncle Jake.
Hey, there, Loren's sad friend.
- What's up? - Can I bend your ear for a sec? - Yeah, I'm listening.
Pizza cash.
- Check this out.
Listen, I got some real prime merch I'm willing to give you a great price on.
Check these out.
Oh, my gosh, he's trying to get Jake to sell his merch.
- It's so sad.
- Shoemaker is Wing-Ding Kid repellent.
I got to get him out of there.
- But mostly that.
- Shoemaker, man, get out of here.
We're working on something that doesn't concern you.
Actually, we're working on something that doesn't concern you.
Cuz, reign in that bronco, okay? He's giving me a great deal on merch, and I can re-purpose this stuff, use it for napkins or even those, uh Those shirts that the rappers twirl around all the time.
- North Cackalacky! - Whoo! - No, no! - Let it go, Shoemaker.
- North Cackalacky! - Face it, you're washed up.
Time for somebody else to have a turn.
You know, I'm sorry that the Internet doesn't love you and they think that you're an otter, okay? Your jealousy stinks.
Now, why don't you get out of here and go back to your dam, otter? Otters don't live in dams.
You know that.
Here, why don't you use a napkin to dry your otter tears? Stop saying "otter"! You pick that up! Why don't you make me pick that up?! Oh, I'll gladly make you.
You want to do something about it, Shoemaker?! Hey, get off my cousin! Take your damn hands off of him! North Cackalacky! Let's go help him.
He's a celebrity.
- Fairbell, wait.
- No! Wait! Trash fight! He's famous.
Hey, stop it! Ow! - Ohh! - Ooh! Well? 6 out of 10? No, see, that's not funny.
There's no stakes.
Now, if you had kicked Jake in the dick Ohh! Fuddruckers! That's Ohh! Aah! Guys, your wing-ding bait is here! BOTH: Twins! - Get off me! - Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Easy with the hard fighting, all right? I don't know how to treat serious injuries.
- Aha! So you're a fraud.
- I'm not a fraud.
- You can't treat serious injuries? - I'm not a fraud.
You're a fraud.
- Get that finger out of my face.
- Oh, I'll put this finger in.
I'll put this finger in.
- Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Really, really.
- Take that, huh? - Ohh! God! Ohh! [LAUGHTER.]
[ALL GRUNTING, GROANING.]
Wing-ding! [CHEERING.]
- Damn it! - He got us! Yes! - Wing-ding! - [LAUGHS.]
"Epic fail, sad loser, fat teacher fight - gets 'wing-dinged.
'" - Oh, my God.
Well, I guess that would explain my coffee this morning.
[CHUCKLES.]
And they spit in it.
You know, I can always tell.
Silver lining The most popular "Wing-Ding" video of all time.
A couple kids in my third-period study hall recognized me.
- Hey! - Ow! Sorry.
A win for women everywhere.
God damn it! Well, I proved what I set out to prove all along, which is that I could be a big Internet celebrity, but I'm just not desperate enough to need that kind of fame.
Chalk up another win for the good guys, huh? - Ow! - Hey, do you think that they could link this video to the Holy Crud Guy e-store? I don't think that's gonna help.
My favorite part was when the retreaded gym teacher jumped into it.
That guy was hilarious.
Let's watch it again.
- No.
- Come on! - No.
Come on, man.
- 22 times for luck.
- That's what they say.
- One more time.
That's what they say.
Hey! It's me! Another commercial? Jake, come on.
You may know me as "Fuddruckers" Guy.
And I'm Wing-Ding Kid.
And you should check out our new collaboration The new Uncle Jake's extra-large - Wing-Ding Pizza.
- Wing ding! With bone-in chicken wings baked into the crust.
- See that? - Yeah, just don't swallow the bones.
Seriously, that disclaimer makes us exempt from any bullshit you try to bring.
- Wing-dings! - Fuddruckers! - Wing-di-i-ings! - Fuddruckers! You don't have to go further.
- It's my ad.
- Yeah, but my name is- Just take your 50 bucks and get the fuck out of here.
- It's $150.
- No, it's not.
ANNOUNCER: Uncle Jake's Pizzeria.
Not affiliated with Fuddruckers USA or any of its subsidiaries.
Wind-breaking fucker.