Tripping the Rift s03e07 Episode Script

(theme music playing) (vacuum whirring) (hairdryer whirring) (alarm wails) What was Mr.
Spock always looking at inside that View-Master of his? (circus music playing) (laughs) Oh yeah.
Da plane! Da plane! Look at me, Uncle Chode.
Godzilla! (roars) (Chode chuckles) - Not many of those to the pound.
- (sighs) This is exactly how I looked in high school.
Really? I bet you had to beat the boys off.
Yeah.
Well, when they weren't beating themselves off.
Hey, Gus, look how that mirror gives you a dumpy ass.
This is a normal mirror.
Uncle Chode, I haven't had this much fun since you took me to the Chicken Ranch to lose my virginity.
Chode, tell me you didn't bring your own nephew to a prostitute.
No, of course not.
I took him to the chicken farms.
That chicken will never be the same.
Turn me vegetarian.
Ooh! Ooh, look! Star Gypsy! I can't believe people actually pay money to hear some knockoff phony predict their future.
That's not just any phony.
She's the best in the galaxy.
She even predicted Britney Spears's marriage wouldn't last.
Yeah, well here's another brilliant revelation: Her next eight won't last either.
It's harmless fun, Chode.
Why don't you give it a try? Forget it.
Do I look like an idiot? - Is that a trick question? - (growls) Who knows? Maybe she'll predict if you end up a rich man.
Hmm.
Chode McBlob.
- Hey How did you - I sensed you were coming to see me.
Told you she was good.
- Welcome.
I am Gypsy Rosalie.
- (laughing) Gypsy Rosalie, not Rose Lee.
What is it you would like to know about your future? Am I gonna be rich? Will I be happy? Will I live to see Michael Jackson make a comeback? Oh, yes yes yes.
Yes! You see good things in my future? No, I foresee a terrible illness.
Damn! That skank from Titerion Seven insisted she didn't have gonorrhea, and I went and believed her.
Relax, it's just a bad cold.
You really should wash your hands when using a public restroom.
Check.
What else can you tell me? Your tentacles tell me you're an incredibly childish alien who only cares about himself.
Wow, Uncle Chode.
It's like she's looking right into your soul.
I predict one day all those closest to you will turn on you.
That's a given, but I wanna hear something good about my future.
I'm afraid it doesn't work like that.
Sure it does.
Start blowing some smoke up my ass.
Okay, here's something.
I predict tomorrow morning you will have the best bowel movement of your life.
Now that'll be 50 kronigs.
a fortune-teller? The only thing you're good at is making people's money disappear.
Pay up, or I will curse you.
Oh for heaven's sake, Chode, pay her.
(growls) Okay.
Here you go.
Nnng! (laughs) (Chode laughing) Evil spirits of the here and beyond, I summon you! A covetous woman, coitus interruptus, Milena Kanakaredes, Dom DeLuise.
I cast a hex on you, Chode McBlob! May you vanish from the eyes of those around you forever! - (whirrs) - I said supersize me! Keep going, you cheap bastard.
And give me a jumbo strawberry popsicle while you're at it.
- What happened to you? - I'm hungry.
Sue me.
Maybe you should go back and pay the gypsy what you owe her.
Are you insane? That overtucked nut job is getting exactly what she deserves.
- Uh! - (chomps) What do you say we blow this popsicle stand? (guzzles) Uh, Whip, get us the hell out of here.
(whirrs) That's the last time I order sushi at a traveling carnival.
(belches) Oh, I'm not sure which end that caterpillar roll is trying to crawl out of.
Bob, didn't you forget something? No, I've already apologized for reorganizing your lingerie drawer this morning.
I mean Chode.
He's not here.
Is there a problem with the transporter? If there is, it's his own fault.
Chode insists on filling the ship up with cheap gas.
Speaking of cheap gas - (farts) - (groans) I beamed Chode aboard.
He's standing right next to you.
- Wh-what's that? - Chode: It's called a popsicle.
What's your problem? Chode, where are you? Chode: What are you talking about? I'm standing right here in front of you.
You are? I can't see you.
That's ridiculous.
I've never heard anything so stupid in my whole life.
What the hey! Where's my hand? It's the gypsy.
She said she was gonna put a curse on you.
That's what you get for pissing her off.
Chode: Well, if this is the best she's got, go for it.
(chomps) Chode, you can't be serious.
You can't go through life being invisible.
Chode: Why not? Works for the homeless.
Besides, think about the upshots.
If no one can see me, I can start letting myself go.
Start? (yells, thuds) Hey, you did that on purpose.
Chode: No, this I did on purpose.
- Hey! - (Chode laughs) (gasps) Why do I get the feeling the fun has just begun? - (footsteps fading) - Chode? Are you here? Chode: In the bathroom.
Remember, I'm taking you to see a specialist this afternoon.
Chode: I told you, I don't need no specialist.
Oh yes, you do.
You've no idea what that gypsy's curse might lead to.
- (Chode groaning) - (splashes) Are you okay? Chode: I'll say this about that gypsy - (toilet flushes) she was right about one thing.
That was the best crap I've ever had.
- (sighs) - Okay okay.
If it'll make you feel better, I'll go see your stupid doctor.
- You will? - Yeah, sure, whatever.
Thank you.
- (smooches) - Uh, Six that's not my face.
I know.
- (machine running) - Well, Doctor, what do you think? - (Chode puffing) - It doesn't look good.
Chode: That's because I'm invisible, you quack.
You cholesterol is through the roof.
You really need to lay off the fast food.
Chode: That's it, high cholesterol? Pretty much.
Everything else checks out.
Chode: Phew, that's a relief.
But what about his invisibility? I won't deny it's incredibly rare, but all other vital signs are normal.
Chode: You hear that, Six? There's got to be something that could be done for him.
A medication, a treatment? Well, there's the old school approach or the new school approach.
What's the old school? You wrap gauze around your face and body and put on sunglasses.
And the new school? Well, have you ever seen the Blue Man Group perform? (sighs) There's got to be something else you can do, Doctor.
Frankly, until his condition changes, I think the best thing you all can do is simply get used to it.
Get used to it.
Huh? Hmm.
Mmm.
(Chode grunting) Mmm.
Huh? (growls) (gasps) (grunting) Hmm.
- (marker squeaking) - Huh? Oh! Hmm.
Huh? Uncle Chode! (beeps) - Pervert! - Chode: How'd you know I was here? Thermal body scan.
From now on, we'll all know exactly where you are at all times.
Chode: You're no fun.
Yes, well.
Looks like you're just going to have to find some other poor schmucks to torment.
Hmm, I never thought of that.
Hmm.
Bernice: It says here, women reach their sexual peak at 45.
You're not gonna start, are you? I'm a woman, Darph.
I have needs.
I know.
I've got the credit card bills to prove it.
Come on, Darphie.
What's it gonna take to get you to make love to me? A lot of porn and a laser pointed at my temple.
I'm gonna sleep on the couch.
Damn, you pervert son of a bitch, you always Mmm! - (whistle blows) - (buzzing) Bernice! Turn that thing off! You're gonna blow a fuse! (crowd cheering) (snores) (Chode chuckles) Whoa! Bobo's got one of those supernova space-age foam mattresses.
I've gotta try that puppy out.
(Chode snores) So, you decided to come back to bed, did ya? Well, you're gonna have to work for it.
- Chode: Huh? What - Oh yes! (Chode chuckles) Baby wants what Daddy's got.
(Bernice groans) Oh, honey! Oh, that intergalactic-strength Viagra is really working.
- (pounding) - Bernice: Yes! Yes! Give it to me! Harder! Please, harder! Huh? What the hell is going on? (screams, sputters) (growls) (Bernice moaning) Honey's been a dirty girl.
A dirty, dirty girl.
(moans) Whoa! Bernice: Oh oh oh! Chode: Oh my God! No! (retches) Bobo: Bernice, what the hell is going on? - (smacks) - (yelps) - Wha - What just happened? I don't know, but "Cosmos" is right.
I think I just hit my sexual peak.
T'nuk: Are you sure the purple dickwad isn't here? I did a thermal scan and cordoned off the bridge.
We're alone.
I'm just waiting for him to pull a wedgie or trip me down another flight of stairs.
Tell me about it.
- I've been walking around on eggshells.
- You and me both.
You mean he sprinkled eggshells around your bed while you were sleeping too? I was hoping the novelty would start to wear off, but he's just getting worse by the minute.
(Chode growls) T'nuk: Okay, so what are we gonna do about the invisible asswipe? Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me again, I'll toast his crystal balls on an open fire.
Chode: I'd like to see you try, you overgrown hippo.
He's here! I thought you said you did a thermal scan of his fat ass.
I did, and secured the hatch.
Chode, how did you get in here? I just walked through the door like it wasn't there.
Chode, something's happening.
I think you're getting worse.
Where are you? All right, if you're going to play games I used this spray snow to decorate the ship's windows last Christmas.
(hisses) (whines) Er huh? You look like a Frosted Mini-Wheat.
Yeah, then why don't you eat me? Uncle Chode, if you're not coming up on the thermal scan, and you're able to walk through doors, I'd say something's going on with your molecular structure.
Thanks for the diagnosis, Mr.
Spock, but I'm fine.
Chode, where are you going? To wash this crap off and then to the Crab Nebula for a cold one.
Six: Chode, wait.
What are you doing? Obviously we were visited by some type of interstellar apparition last night.
(sighs) I wouldn't say visited so much as invaded.
Whatever.
I'm calling in the experts of the paranormal to make sure that freak occurrence doesn't happen again.
- (slams) - (yelps) Pick up that phone, and it'll be the last call you make! Oh, ooh.
Call me.
- (chattering) - (R&B music playing) Scotch on the rocks.
(Chode blows raspberry) Mmm.
Ah.
You gonna give me something more than a glass of ice? I just poured you a Scotch, bub.
Do you want another one? Lt'll be six kronigs.
- I'd like the one I just paid for.
- (clicks) - Hey! What l - (chuckles) (gasps, yelps) (gasps) (smacks) (beeps) Guys, take a look at this.
I think Uncle Chode is disappearing for good.
From your lips to God's ears.
After Uncle Chode didn't show up on the thermal scan, I've been checking the ship's video feed to see if I could find anything else peculiar.
These video logs were taken three months ago.
- Oh my God.
- It gets worse.
After I saw this, I decided to go through his online photo album.
Here's a baby picture of Chode on a bearskin rug.
Heavens.
Look at that ass.
It's like Chode's ceasing to exist.
I've got to talk some sense into him before it's too late.
(chatter) (slurps) Ah.
Just got fired from my job.
What's your misery? I think my wife is screwing a ghost.
Yeah, that tops me.
Can I buy you a drink? - (slurps) - Ooh! Hey, what's your problem? I'm not the one boning your wife.
Yeah well, l see, um Playtime's over, Chode.
I need to talk to you.
Chode: Ow ow ow! Easy! That's my pinkie tentacle.
(Chode gasps, coughing) Okay.
What what is it already? Listen to me very carefully.
Whip took a look at the ship's logs.
Your image is slowly disappearing from all records.
- Big deal.
- You're even disappearing from your baby photograph.
The rug shot? I always hated that picture.
Don't you understand? That gypsy curse hasn't just made you invisible.
She's wiping you out completely.
You won't be able to hear, smell and feel anything.
(gulps) You mean? Yes, you can kiss sex goodbye.
(screams) Chode: What are you just standing around for? We've got to come up with a plan or I'm a dead man.
- T'nuk, did you hear something? - Nothing but a lot of hot air.
Come on, guys.
Don't do this to me.
The clock's ticking.
Yeah, well, karma's a bitch and so am I.
Okay guys, look.
I know I've been nothing but an ass, but I promise to make all this up to you.
But I need your help, please! God, I love it when he grovels.
Relax, Chode.
Whip's locking in the coordinates on the carnival.
We'll find that gypsy.
It's too late.
It looks like they up and moved on to the next planet.
Now I'm totally Not necessarily.
I did a little digging on the background of the carnival.
Turns out it's owned and operated by Bobo Enterprises.
Newsflash, nephew: Bobo hates my guts.
Chode, I'm sure the carnival's schedule can be accessed from Bobo's computer.
Oh boy.
Why do I get the feeling this is gonna get ugly? (smashes) Is that you, my love? I've been waiting.
I know you're here.
Take me, please! (laughing) Chode: Okay, what am I looking for? Where is it, where is it? Uncle Chode had better hurry.
He's fading fast.
Even if he does locate the carnival, how are we supposed to get the gypsy to reverse the curse? Something tells me she won't want to spend the rest of her life uglier and more disgusting than she could ever imagine.
Why's everyone looking at me? Uncle Chode did it.
We've got the coordinates on the carnival.
(beeping) (door opens, closes) So there you are.
I knew you were here.
(sniffs) Mmm.
I smelled your musky scent.
(lock clicks) I'm not letting you out of here until you satisfy me.
Hmm.
It's gonna be a long night.
- This is never gonna work.
- It has to.
Remember, this will relay images to you.
Pick up our video signal and transmit it back.
We just have to stick to the script.
That purple-butt raisin is gonna owe me big after this one.
Just kiss me! One kiss and I'll let you go.
Chode: Oh! I lied.
Mmm.
What do you want? I want you to reverse the curse on Chode.
And I want lips like Angelina Jolie and a vaginal rejuvenation.
Ain't gonna happen.
In that case, you leave me no choice.
I give you the evil eye.
(spits) You're kidding, right? I invented the evil eye.
Therefore, I cast a pox on you.
I summon the souls of warlocks, witches and evil.
Look, is this going to take long? I've got a hot date with the wolf man from the freak exhibit.
Oh yeah, it's doggie-style tonight.
Before you go, you might want to check your makeup.
Okay, it's working.
Just mimic everything she says and does.
My face! What have you done to it? (wails) I am hideous! You'll spend an eternity looking like this, unless you reverse the curse.
Yes, I'll do it.
I'll reverse the curse.
Just turn me back to the way I was.
This is so obscene.
Revolting.
Loathsome.
Nauseating.
Watch it, bitch! (moaning) Give it to me! Chode: Not going to happen.
(both gasp) This isn't what it looks like.
I'm not even sure what it looks like.
- Huh? - (gasps) You Darph, there's a perfectly good explanation for this.
This is all a figment of your imagination.
Whip, get me the out of here now! (roars) (whooshes) Ow! Chode: You guys really saved my ass.
And to be perfectly honest, I don't know how to thank you.
I knew it.
He's taking the cheap way out.
So I picked out a few things as a token of my appreciation.
(gasps) Those are genuine diamonds, Six.
Not the cheap pubic zirconia I always try to pass over on you.
Chode, it's gorgeous.
Thank you.
Huh? Cash.
Cool, Uncle Chode.
Yeah, what's going on? Did your brain vanish with that gypsy's curse? Not at all.
I just felt it was time to be generous.
Gus, aren't you going to open yours? A designer wallet.
Oh, Chode, I don't know what to say.
This is extravagant.
Nothing but the best for my crew.
I see.
It still has the driver's license and credit cards of the guy you lifted it from.
Mm-hmm.
I'd say you've got a good two hours to go hogwild with those credit cards before they're reported stolen.
I don't know.
I feel kind of weird about accepting ill-gotten presents.
Yes.
You heard the man, we've got two hours.
Let's hit the mall.
(theme music playing)