Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s03e07 Episode Script

1 I know what you did! Heavenly Father! Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it - Morning, Titus.
- What? I'm not mourning anyone.
No one's dead, especially not a five-time Grammy Award winner and one-time Whitney Houston cousin.
Jeez.
Are you okay? I know I'm not supposed to ask questions about your bedroom noises, but it sounded like you were fighting a dolphin in there.
Oh, I was just practicing my Rosetta Stone dolphin tapes.
Sea lions control the media! Oh.
So does this mean you're thinking of doing another cruise? Enough about me.
I haven't asked you anything.
Girl, what on earth is the haps? How are you, bestie? To be honest, not great.
I met this hot black guy And we became roommates.
No.
He's a fellow coed.
His name is Perry, and we went to first base all over each other.
Ooh.
His lips are softer than the baked potato I practice on.
Ugh.
Ah.
But just like that potato, he turned out to be rotten.
He told me he wants to be a reverend.
It's hard enough for me to trust people, especially men.
You know, I once had a stepdad for a month Well, great talk.
Lillian enters as Titus crosses to his bedroom.
Turn on the TV! I'm on the news.
And it's not just a sketch of me.
Councilwoman who's leading the fight against a new Big Naturals superstore in East Dogmouth.
WNBC's NewsYUKO has more.
This is it! Shut the hell up, Kimmy.
And I'll be damned if this hotsy-totsy rich mother This is a News-4 weather alert.
What? They cut me off like I'm some "who cares" fluff piece about a blind kid who loves his mailman.
He does? Some epic weather headed straight for New York's own New York City area.
I'm chief meteorologist Drench Thunderman here with an update on Hurricane Tammi-with-an-I.
As you might expect from that graphic, the National Weather Service Speaking of people screwing me over, Titus, you haven't paid your share of the rent since you've been back.
I don't know how things worked on that cruise ship, but on this tugboat Cruise ship? What cruise ship? Tugboat? W-what tugboat? - I'm busy, Titus.
- Busy, Lillian.
I got to, um take the boom box in to get its heads cleaned.
Check on my illegal day care.
I mean, who said that? Goodbye! Ooh! Hey.
Oh.
It's time to go, girl.
hurricane.
She's expected to make landfall anytime in the next 12 hours and promises to be as horrible as that spelling of Tammi.
With air temps hovering right around freezing Okay, nerd, let's get something straight.
I need your help, but I am not your friend.
I will not be making you over for a dance, and if you take your glasses off, I will not be all, "Wait.
Kyle?" I'm cool, okay? Yes, sir.
I need a standard five-year boom box tune-up.
I'm sorry, sir, I don't know what that is.
Is it a Zune? This is why everybody hates you, Kyle.
You know I'm only hanging out with you because of a bet.
I'll take what I can get, sir.
Foop.
It's time to go, girl.
Exercise? Please.
I don't have time for this.
It's time to go, girl.
Mm-hmm.
Party over.
It's time to go, girl.
Is an overactive bladder the boss of you? Talk to your doctor about Urethrex.
No one tells me what to do.
What the foop is this soup? What the foop is this soup? Thanks, Scott.
Councilwoman Kaushtupper.
I hope Titus is feeling better.
What's it to you? I'm the one who has the life insurance policy on him.
Now let's get down to brass balls.
You said nothing happens here without my say-so.
And nothing's happened.
I don't know if you enjoy observational humor in the style of Seinfeld, but how come for every guy digging a hole, it takes five other guys watching him? What are you doing to protect the historic importance of this site? The chicken slaughterhouse, yes.
We will be preserving the staircase that the chickens were forced to climb before they were golfed to death.
Oh.
Okay.
But I doubt you're aware that this very spot is where the horse Bianca Jagger rode into Studio 54 was found later that night.
I'll never forget the Post cover.
"Horse Found.
" That was before they did puns.
And I will be honoring Bandit with this plaque.
And you'll be pleased to know we'll be building a footbridge so the homeless guy who likes yelling at the river can still access the part of the river he's most furious at.
Any other concerns, Councilwoman? Hey! Stop! It's not hammer time! Do you even know this Big Naturals is not a strip club? What the hell are we even doing here, then? How come everyone always gets confused by this? Every national chain sounds disgusting Jack in the Box, Hardee's, The Gap, Jiffy Lube, Dick's, BJ's Wholesale! And he thinks that it's ridiculous that five of you need to watch one guy dig a hole! You believe this guy? He's got some Nuh-uh.
Uh-uh.
Absolutely not.
Hey, where do you get off, pal? I'm a fourth-generation hole watcher.
They'll never make a YUKO that can watch a hole better than a human.
Let's go, fellas! We're on strike! Hey, guys.
See ya.
Now, of course, in a real sharknado, you also have to worry about whales.
Gentle giants of the deep, monsters of the sky.
Is this the end of the world? The end of the world? Maybe.
So stock up on canned goods and water and prepare to be inside for who knows how long.
If you've got a bunker, get in it and lock the hatch.
Gus? You heard the man.
Get in a bunker, Kimmy.
No, Gus Rosendale.
No! The world is ending.
But for real this time.
Oh, you sweet dum-dum.
That's just the news now.
They try to scare you for ratings.
You can't trust these guys.
What? I can't trust the news? Yeah, well, none of it ever comes true Swine flu, killer bees, hot tub babies, a woman president.
And the weathermen now, they're the worst.
In the '70s, we called it rain.
So he's lying? He told me to buy canned food and get in a bunker.
He told me the fudging world was ending! Just like you-know-who.
Uh-oh! I'm not ready to meet Jeepers! The Reverend said I need to lose five pounds first.
Oh, no, a fire monster! Throw water on it! It's not that easy, Cyndee.
No! I always thought I'd die in a good old-fashioned bus accident! I don't like being lied to about "apocalypsises.
" Grocery stores emptying out as Tammi-with-an-I threatens to turn Manhattan into Haiti.
Get ready, 'cause Sean Penn is on his way.
Oh, don't worry, honey.
Sean Penn isn't real.
They just made him up to scare kids.
Drench Thunderman is Reverending the entire city.
I've got to warn people that he's just a liar with amazing teeth.
Ooh.
Turn on the news.
That's where all the old-people commercials are.
My likeness and my mouthness were stolen by a drug company.
They turned me into a bladder.
Brother, you're always thinking that people are ripping you off.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that guy who loves Patti LaBelle's pies isn't copying you.
Please, everybody knows I'm always saying "Patti" like that.
Patti! Patti! Bladdy! Foop! We're not doing this.
It's time to go, girl.
Move it.
Did that bladder just say "foop"? And that scarf and the face? And that thigh gap? Is your overactive bladder acting like a gay black diva? Titus, it's you.
But how? Before the cruise What cruise? Shut up! I did audition for a drug commercial.
But I read for the part of "white doctor.
" I nailed it, by the way.
That must be how they heard your voice.
Those bastards.
Now I know how Kimmy's kissing potato felt used and thrown away.
I need to take a walk.
- Oh.
- Titus.
- Don't do it.
- No, please! You'll never make it.
Don't listen to them! You best get going, bitch.
I will, but not because you said so.
Whatever.
You're doing it.
Let's go to Drench He's on his own.
I've got a city to save.
A bladder? Please.
It's time to go, girl.
Titus! I knew it.
That's you, right? Ha! Man, those pee-pee commercials are all up in my porns.
You must be rich now! Wait.
Should I be mugging you? Sir, if I were rich, do you think I'd be talking to you right now? I'd be eating real mayonnaise with a metal spoon.
But Big Pharma just prints money, man.
Yeah, they spend a lot on R&D, but once the drug gets approved by the FDA, they got a 20-year patent.
I know 'cause I'm also in the drug biz.
Take a pen.
Well, Big Pharma, I'm gonna make you wish you ripped off someone with less time on their hands.
I got your texts, Goodman.
Thanks for coming.
Care for a water? A handful of loose tuna? Please, sit.
I have just one question.
What is wrong with you? You're what's wrong with me.
'Cause you're a traitor, Joe, who thinks that just because he has real mayonnaise No, no, no, no.
I'm asking about you.
What is wrong with you as a human being? 'Cause this isn't really about me.
You know I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.
Well, I was, but only because my mother wanted to smuggle the family spoon out of Poland.
I grew up poor, right here in the city.
My father was a bricklayer.
"Brick" was slang for a certain type of wealthy, older woman.
Yeah? My family was a living diorama in the Tenement Museum.
It's not a contest, Lillian.
I'm saying we're the same.
We fought for the same ideals.
And then you sold out.
No! I succeeded.
And now I get to bring good jobs and great food to millions of Americans.
Look, I'm one of the good guys.
My employees get health care.
Our food animals all get to meet Michael Jordan before they die.
And your neighborhood is a dump.
I can only make it better.
My late husband is rolling over in my wall right now.
He loved East Dogmouth.
And we were happy there.
I'm sorry.
My wife died five years ago.
When did you lose your husband? September Forty years ago? Oh, my God! Get over it! People die! Allen Ginsberg is dead.
Richard Pryor is dead.
Bob Dylan is dead to me.
Can't show up and get a Nobel Prize? Rude.
How could you be stuck in the '70s? Everything we fought for back then was about change.
Yeah, but then some of us realized that change sucks eggs.
There is such a thing as good change.
It's called progress.
Oh, what a crock.
Ooh, jet packs, a decent Tupac hologram.
And please don't get me started on the Second Avenue Subway.
It was just a lie told by good guys like you.
Well, I guess you've got it all figured out.
And me a guy with a monogrammed stapler, knows nothing.
Oh, you know something How to be a real schmuck.
I talked last.
That was a productive lunch, Sharon.
So what's the weekend looking like? Schlepping the twins around Westchester, I bet.
Can I help you, sir? Oh, please.
"Sir" is Sir Anthony Hopkins' name.
Call me someone who works here.
Step aside, sir.
Look, I just need to talk to someone about the money you guys owe me.
Unrelated question: how often do you receive big cakes that a person could fit in? Good afternoon, Mr.
Bortz.
Are they expecting you? Oh, call me Dale.
I'm just going in to record a couple radio spots.
Shouldn't take long, and then it's time to go, girl.
Ugh! Whistle noise! You guys are being lied to! You don't need to stock up on Vaseline or more Vaseline? I'd also love to buy your shoes, you know, if you've ever worn them without socks.
Seriously, don't listen to the news! It's all lies! Titus, no one will listen to me.
I'm glad you asked, Kimmy.
I found him.
Me.
I'm white.
Wait.
Who? The monster masquerading as "moy.
" Keep up.
But no one here will listen to me, so I have to find that phony and make him tell the truth.
Titus, you're a genius! Almost a perfect 100 IQ.
Drench Thunderman's on TV saying the world is ending, but I can't convince everyone in New York that he's a liar.
So I have to find him and make him fess up.
Oh, but you don't want to go confronting him without practicing first.
What if you mess up? Ugh! If only there were another TV liar you could confront first.
But, Titus, there is! Your liar guy! Is there any chance I can come Fifty-third and Sixth, across from the Sbarro's.
let the airport come to you.
Artie Goodman and his progress and his dolphin-safe tuna.
I mean, why do we have to keep them safe? They're riddled with STDs.
Just look it up.
Whoa, whoa.
Be careful, lady.
Oh, what is this, one of those fake subway stations that creeps build where the stairs just lead to a room with a dirty parasol and a video camera? You would think that, being so far uptown.
This is the South Doggypaws stop on the T train.
The T train? That's the Second Avenue Subway.
I know! It's finally happening.
I guess jet packs are next.
Oh.
I'm not invited to your fancy rooftop party, Stacy? Oh.
I gave up on the Second Avenue Subway 40 years ago.
Am I dreaming? Hey, punch me in the face.
You know they were supposed to stop at 125th, but now they got that big sludgefront development with the fancy grocery store.
Progress, I guess.
It's time to go, girl.
It's time to stop, Mr.
Dale Bortz.
Oh, God, it's you.
Look, man, I don't want any trouble.
Too bad, 'cause I'm like the game closet at Jeanie Shamanski's house.
All I got is Trouble! Please, please, don't hurt me! I have ferrets at home! You better make like me eating beans drunk and spill the beans.
And then eat them off the floor! Shut up, girl.
How'd you steal my voice? How do you think? He's an Ursula the Sea Witch, Titus.
No.
No.
I'm an impressionist.
They showed me your audition.
It's on my phone in my pocket.
Oh.
I said no throwing! That's why they call me Catchin' Titus.
Ferret wedding, ferret wedding, ferret wedding.
Damn, Dale.
Okay, here we go.
Whenever you're ready, Titus.
Talk to your doctor about Urethrex.
Okay, thanks.
I can give you options.
Talk to your doctor, Guvna! Talk to your doctor about Urethrex? Talk to your doctor, Guvna! Thank you.
We're good Talk to your doctor, Guvna! Okay, I get it, Ken, and I agree.
The problem is the writing.
I mean, where's the jingle? Oops! It's right here.
Urethrex makes you feel good 'Cause it reopens your peehole That's not what it does.
- I have no bones.
- What? Damn it, it's like that time a bear drowned in my pool.
Rule one: make them remember you.
Foop.
It's time to go, girl.
They used every part of the Titus, including my ability to make up catchphrases at will.
"Get small, muchachos.
" Titus, wait.
There's more videos of you on there.
What? How? This is Big Pharma we're talking about, man.
They're everywhere.
They've had a P.
I.
following you around for months, taping you so I could learn your voice.
Excuse me.
You only gave me a bun.
No, sir.
You turn around and eat hot dog.
You still chewing it! Oh, so that's why you run a hot dog cart Because you're a mouth expert! So Black History Month is every other month and you're not allowed to walk? That's the rules they did while you were in the bunker.
Okay, nerd, let's get something straight.
Well, the joke's on them, 'cause now I have proof.
Let me just email this to myself.
Titus@turkishhackers.
con with an N.
You've got to give me a high five after that.
I can't.
It's Black History Month.
Can I go now? I have to leave before the storm hits.
Mini Coopers shrink when they get wet.
Time to go fudge up a weatherman.
Come on, Drench.
Come outside and see your storm.
You know, someday a real rain will come and wash all the scum off the streets.
You know, that is a very advanced question, YUKO.
I love your curiosity.
But, in fact, no, rain and tears are different.
See, the You're gonna rot in heck for tricking people! 'Cause tricks are for kids, and I'm all out of kids.
Is this about the money I owe? I thought all parts of the buffet were unlimited! Admit there's no storm, Drench Thunderman.
What? You're just scaring people so they'll keep watching.
Okay, maybe I go a little overboard.
A little? You make the movie Overboard look like a lighthearted comedy instead of a messed-up story about a handyman enslaving a woman with a brain injury.
You lied.
No, I just need people to listen.
The data says Tammi-with-an-I is gonna hammer New York.
Yeah, sometimes I'm wrong, like with Hermine and Matthew.
But Sandy was terrible.
Every weather system is unique, but today the barometer is falling, the Atlantic is too warm, and my calf implants are killing me.
There is a storm coming.
Okay.
Maybe you're not lying.
Only about my name.
It's actually Ricky Ann Sprinkles.
And every storm is different.
Exactly, just like snowflakes or Subway sandwich artists.
Or bunkers.
Maybe a bunker can be a good thing, a safe place.
I've got a bunker to build.
Well, you were a lot of help! What if that had been the guy from Golden Corral? All right, Titus, you got us.
We based the Urethrex bladder on you.
Mm-hmm.
Bitch better have my money.
The thing is, bitch doesn't have to have your money.
See, you signed a blanket release at your audition.
We own your voice, your likeness, and your unique sense of style.
You mean Uptown Gayby? We call it Dumpster Sassy, but, yes.
I don't overstand.
I don't even understand.
If you liked me so much, why didn't you hire me? Titus, after that audition, we knew two things.
There was no way we were gonna hire you.
And we had a whole new concept for the Urethrex campaign.
You see, the original bladder was more of an Urkel, a sweet nerd who shows up whenever he isn't wanted.
Nerds are the worst.
I shove them.
Your nonsense made us realize that the bladder could be much more effective as a villain.
Villain? But Titus the bladder is a hero.
He keeps that lady from getting on a smelly outdoor horse.
He stops her from hanging out with a child.
He saves her from dancing with that basic husband of hers.
That guy puts the "no thanks" in "thanks, but no thanks.
" No.
Those are all things the woman wants to do.
The bladder isn't a hero.
It's ruining that woman's life, like you ruined your audition.
So I'm the bad guy? There was a hot dog in that bun.
I was just trying to get another one.
We know, Titus.
Want to take boner pills and go to an aquarium? You know it.
Hey, hey, ho, ho! - It takes five guys to watch a hole! - Scab! - Hey, hey, ho, ho! - You're a scab! It takes five guys to watch a hole.
Hey.
You want to know what's wrong with me? I hate change, 'cause every change in my life has been rotten My husband dying, me constantly getting hit by Citi Bikes, caller ID ruining my crank yanking, and this mole.
Looks like a skull.
This morning, it was Michigan.
It's changing too fast.
But then I saw the South Doggypaws subway station.
All my life, progress has been a lie.
But then you put your money where your mouth is.
And now I'd like to put my mouth where your mouth is.
Whoa.
- You taste like Velamints.
- Oh.
Oh! Oh, brother.
Oh, w-we better get out of here.
We'll catch our death.
We better get inside.
We can't be out in the rain at our age.
My sister-in-law, Phyllis Very active, tennis group, the whole thing Goes outside one time with wet hair dead! - Dead? Oh.
- We'll get a cab.
But they charge two bucks just to turn on the meter.
And do I swipe my charge card, or is it this business with the chip? Oh, the amazing chip.
I love love.
Titus, I'm building a bunker, here in this apartment.
But it's gonna be my bunker this time.
So it's gonna be fair.
People don't get extra beans just because they went as the Reverend for Halloween.
It's gonna be fun.
We're gonna play those board games I found in the trash.
Wait.
Why are you doing the Barbies' hair? You only do Salon de Titus when you're upset.
I'm a villain, Kimmy.
Maybe that's why I love capes so much.
All these years, I blamed a cruel and jealous world for my lack of success, but it's my fault.
Because like that little bladder, I only care about number one.
Come on.
That's not true.
I've ruined every opportunity I've ever been given.
But you got that part in Mahogany.
By accident.
And they loved you.
You were the star of the show.
- I bet they'd hire you again in a - Never.
They'll never hire me again in a million years! Why? What did you do? The worst thing Titus has ever done the unthinkable.
What are you saying, Titus? What haven't you told me? Everything! But like an overactive bladder I got to let it out, girl! Corrections by btsix