1000 Ways to Die s03e08 Episode Script

Male announcer: The end is near.
It's just a lot closer some than others, like the crazy chef who let dinner get away [Cobra hisses.]
Or the '50s chick with the hot hairdo.
How about the cat hater who took a dive, a speed freak who spun out, a golfing couple who went off course, and a car wash that will shock you? [Electricity crackling.]
All that and more on the next episode of 1000 ways to die.
[Rock music.]
Death is everywhere.
Most of us try to avoid it.
Others can't get out of its way.
Every day we fight a new war against germs Toxins Injury Illness, and catastrophe.
There's a lot of ways to wind up dead.
The fact that we survive at all is a miracle Because every day we live We face 1,000 ways to die.
[Horn honks.]
[Cheerleaders squeal.]
The cheerleaders of Simi Valley u had a great idea to raise some cash.
They'd have a car wash.
All: we're Simi, we're Simi we're Simi Valley you give us all your money, and we'll take care of you Announcer: Thing is, there is no Simi Valley University.
These girls were strippers out to make some quick daytime cash.
- Hey, how much is it, ladies? - Whatever you got in your wallet, big boy.
- Let's do it.
[All cheering.]
Announcer: Not that the customers gave it much thought.
than men do.
A man will open his wallet to a sexy woman faster than another woman will, because men think with the heads between their legs, not with the head on their shoulders.
Announcer: The wash-and-wax scam was really working.
And a sizzling lap-dance move to shine up the hood ensured a big payoff.
- Thank you.
- How about a group hug? - Group hug! - Group hug! [All squealing.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
It's really big and dirty.
Can you help me out? Announcer: Harold was a widower on his way to return some spanking videos when he spotted the hot action.
- You don't mind if I climb in the back there while you wash the van? - Oh, no.
- No.
[Laughter.]
Announcer: The girls put on a five-star show, and the old perv lapped it up.
- [Laughing.]
Announcer: This was way better than any spanking video.
- Oh, yes, stretch way up.
Thank God my wife died.
Announcer: Harold was about to reach the car-wash version of a happy ending.
To Polish off the old geezer, they brought out an electric buffer.
But these little "miss Demeanors" had a bad connection.
[Electricity crackling.]
- In the scenario where individuals are electrified and they're all in contact, the electricity would travel from one individual through the rest of them, taking the path of least resistance.
They would then fall, and, uh, the heart will just fibrillate.
So all the muscles are just contracting independently in, uh in a systemic unit.
And the heart will just look like a bag of worms moving around without any effective heartbeat.
[All squeal.]
Announcer: The phony cheerleaders got a big charge out of bilking their horn-dog customers.
[Electricity crackling.]
All: we're Simi Announcer: Give me a "d.
" Give me an "e.
" Give me an "a.
" And another "d.
" What do we got? In the 1950s, going parking was the hep thing to do.
- Come here, lover boy.
Announcer: Betty and Susie had a double date with a couple of swell guys.
Susie was fast and hot.
Betty was not.
All she cared about was her hair.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're ruining my hair! - Have you ever been to third base? Announcer: Back then, the beehive was all the rage.
And Betty had a colossal one, held aloft by can upon can of hair spray.
That night, Betty's b-52 was flying high, but all her date, Joe, wanted to do was get in her cockpit.
- Oh, watch it.
Ow.
Jeez.
- Come on, baby.
I'm about to blow.
Announcer: Joe had enough of Squaresville.
If this chick wouldn't put out, he was gonna get real gone.
- Oh.
[Car door closes.]
Announcer: Joe took his frustration out on a smoke.
- You got another one of those? [Screaming.]
Announcer: In an instant, Betty's hair became a towering inferno.
Back in the '50s, hair spray contained alcohol and other highly flammable propellants, causing her hair to burn hotter and longer.
- Hair is getting burned off.
Fine, that's dead tissue.
But next thing that's gonna go is the scalp.
You take the scalp away and all of the sudden, the heat is very close to the brain, as a result, sucking out of the fluid from the cells in the brain, and the brain shrivels up like a prune.
And you start getting a gruesome, painful death.
Announcer: Betty's brains were cooking inside her skull.
- Watch the hair! Announcer: Betty wouldn't give it up, and then she lit it up.
- [Screams.]
Announcer: All because of her killer hair.
Announcer: Dennis was a full-on snortin', shootin', pill-poppin' druggie.
There wasn't any substance he hadn't or wouldn't abuse.
His brains weren't just fried, they were burned to a crisp.
This freak was the all-time poster boy for what not to do.
- And two of these, because there's one of those, there's got to be two of these.
- When you are taking two different components or more more than two, possibly, that have the same effect but act through different pathways, that results in a greater effect than if you took each one separately.
- Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Announcer: On any given night, he could be found mixing and matching a medicine cabinet full of mind-numbing substances.
After scraping together a mixture of prescription painkillers, antidepressants, cocaine, and crystal meth - [Sniffing.]
Announcer: He was off to the races.
- Mm.
[Sniffing.]
Announcer: Nothing could keep up with him.
- Yeah! Announcer: His music felt too slow - No! No! Faster! Faster! Announcer: His phone was no match for his mouth.
- [Jabbering rapidly.]
Announcer: Even his stoner relic from the '60s, a lava lamp, failed to move fast enough for this wasted speed freak.
- What what is wrong? Come on! - A lava lamp contains water and a petroleum-based wax.
As the wax begins to heat up, it will lower its density and be less than the water itself.
So it will float up to the top of the lamp.
- Go! Go! Go! Go! Move, man, move! Ah.
Announcer: Dennis decided to nuke it to bring his lamp up to speed.
[Touch pad beeping.]
[Microwave whirs.]
- Yeah! Yeah! [Laughs.]
- The solution will begin to boil.
The molecules will go into a gaseous state.
In order for it to explode, you would have to build up a tremendous amount of pressure, and that would eventually lead up to a much more powerful explosion.
- Oh, yeah.
Boil, baby! Boil! [Explosion.]
Announcer: It was an overdose of bad.
The lava lamp exploded, imbedding a shard of glass into Dennis' forehead, while his face was drenched in a blistering coat of superheated lava liquid.
The lesson here, drug abuse is bad for you and will eventually kill you.
Putting a lava lamp into a microwave, that'll get you there in no time at all.
[Explosion.]
Time's up, Dennis.
- Okay.
And you know how often to feed Rocky, right? - Yeah.
Four Announcer: Sometimes the journey to hell can start with an innocent conversation.
- Rocky, I talked to him, and he's excited for some male-bonding time, 'cause he's always just been stuck with me before.
Announcer: Peter is receiving last-minute instructions on taking care of his girlfriend Annie's cat while she goes off on a business trip.
- You have to check the feces and make sure that there's no worms there.
Announcer: Cat feces and worms wasn't his idea of a fun week.
But he was being the good guy.
- I'm gonna take care of the cat.
But you know I'm allergic.
Announcer: Not only was Peter allergic, he secretly hated cats and everything about them.
- Okay.
So you know to feed him twice a day.
- Mm-Hmm.
- And to - There's so many people I have heard from who complain that their partners who are cat owners that they treat their cats a little bit better than they treat them.
- I love you.
Announcer: A hurried peck on the cheek, a quick good-bye, and the door closes, leaving Peter alone with his Nemesis.
[Cat yelps.]
- Stay the hell away from me.
[Cat meows.]
[Cat yowls.]
Announcer: The cat's name was Rocky, which was exactly how things were about to get.
- [Sneezes, sniffles.]
Announcer: Soon enough, Peter was a sneezing, wheezing fountain of snot.
- [Blows nose.]
I hate you.
Announcer: Peter thought if he had to suffer, he might as well crack open a bottle and get as drunk as possible.
But the drunker he got, the worse he felt, and the more he regretted his decision to baby-sit Annie's stupid cat.
- [Sneezes violently.]
Announcer: Finally it was time to get in the ring with Roy.
But it was hardly an even match.
Cats are smart.
Drunks are stupid.
[Head cracks.]
- When somebody hits their head really hard, a fluid wave is sent through the brain due to the impact, and it stretches the connections between brain cells and directly stuns the Brian cells themselves.
That's what a concussion is.
If it happens to be in a small pool of water, they're out.
And they're not gonna recognize that they're dying.
Announcer: Knocked out, his face in a pet bowl, Peter sucked in all the water and drowned.
Did he learn any life lessons? Never get in a fight with a cat named Rocky.
[Cat meows.]
Up next, a woman has a rough time with smoothies, and two golfers take some bad shots at each other.
- Go to hell! Announcer: Arlene was one of those misinformed health nuts who believed she could live forever.
A daily combination of wheat-grass, mega-doses of vitamin supplements, and fresh veggies run through a juicer were her weapons against the aging process.
- Nutrition, exercise can extend the longevity of anybody.
You see these people in remote parts of Russia where these people live to be And they say, well, it's just a basic, organic diet.
Announcer: Arlene grew her own organic wheat-grass and tended to it with loving care.
What she didn't know, her landlord would come by once a week while she was at work and spray rat poison everywhere, including her precious patch of immortality.
Week after week, her garden was being drenched in the deadly vermin killer.
- Better die sooner.
- Rat poison is Coumadin, which is a blood thinner.
But we use it as a medication for people, uh, to thin their blood if they have blood clots.
Announcer: Every day began with the sound of her blender mixing up another immortal cocktail.
But the more she drank, the sicker she was becoming.
Never suspecting the source of her discomfort was the home-brewed mega-juice, Arlene kept knocking them down, hoping this would make her feel better.
- It takes about four days for the Coumadin to enter your system if it's ingested orally.
It's very easy to overdose on it and become too thin in your blood.
Announcer: Arlene's blood had been thinning for over six weeks, causing internal hemorrhaging, until one day she got on her exercise ball, and the blood vessels in her brain exploded.
- Overdosed on Coumadin, you aren't able to make any blood clots, and you'll have profuse bleeding into your joints.
You can spontaneously bleed into your brain and just hemorrhage to death.
- [Exhales weakly.]
Announcer: Arlene thought she could live forever.
Instead she found a different forever death.
Ten years ago, moira was a rising star on the woman's pro golf tour.
- Josh, come on! - For crying out loud.
Announcer: But her uncontrollable anger - You are such an a-hole! Announcer: And her drinking caused her to wash out.
- Um, I think we're next.
- Uh - Uh, yeah.
We checked in first.
Announcer: Now she and her husband, Josh, spent their time getting hammered and taking cheap shots - [Laughs.]
Announcer: At each other.
- [Bleep.]
.
- Hope that was your practice swing.
- Shut up and drink.
- There are several things that you can look in a relationship to see if it's going in the wrong direction.
So one of them is withdrawal.
Another one is stonewalling.
Uh, another one, which is the most significant one, is contempt.
If you have contempt in a relationship, that means you've really lost communication between the spouses.
And that is not a very good sign for the duration of the relationship.
- Shut the hell up! - I'm trying to play a little golf here.
- I'm so sorry.
Announcer: The toxic pair were about as appealing as a triple bogey.
- Shut up! - What a bitch.
- Don't miss it.
- How am I supposed to play golf? Announcer: Moira's once-promising golf game had gone from Ben hogan to Hulk hogan.
- I hate you! - Get him! Get him! - Kill the bitch! - I hate you! - You are the devil! Announcer: Mark twain described golf as a good walk ruined.
For these two, it was one long bad drive.
- Oh, and by the way, my secretary, I've been screwing her for the past six months.
- Oh, well, you know what? So have I.
- Oh, I hate you.
- I hate you.
Oh! - They're at the mercy of whatever they hit.
Our small intestines can be torn off of their blood supply.
Our aorta in our chest can be ripped.
Our brain can also suffer from deceleration injuries.
Announcer: With alcohol and anger as their handicaps, it's no wonder these two wound up in the rough.
Announcer: You never know what can be found behind an unmarked and unremarkable storefront.
In this case, an illegal underground restaurant.
- Good evening, ladies, gentlemen.
Tonight we have very special ingredient.
I surprise you.
Ha ha.
Announcer: Chef Wang's recipe for success? Endangered and illegal species smuggled in from around the world.
His twisted clientele shell out thousands for a chance to sink their teeth into anything teetering on the brink of extinction.
- I think he's out of his mind.
- Yeah, but he cooks up a mean panda bear.
Announcer: Black-market animals are big business.
Every year, up to 30,000 primates, and 10 million reptiles are sold illegally.
It's the third largest illegal trade in the world, rivaled only by guns and drugs.
- Boss, what special ingredient tonight? - Tonight we serve a king cobra! - Ooh.
Announcer: Before chef Wang had a chance to cut into his cobra It got Loose.
- The king cobra is the longest venomous snake in the world.
If he's up hooded at you, he's giving you a warning "piss off.
" - Oh, very tricky snake.
- The hood is designed to scare you, make itself look very fearsome, and it works 99% of the time.
- Be careful, boss.
- I'm very careful.
[Cobra hisses.]
Come on, little devil.
Gonna catch you.
Gonna make good dish.
[Cobra hisses.]
Aah! Aah! Aah! - Boss! Boss! Boss! - Fangs are designed like a hypodermic needle.
They're hollow or grooved.
When they bite, these venom glands squeeze, and they can pump a copious amount of venom into you.
- You okay? You okay? - No! No! Aah! Aah! Announcer: Tonight's main dish had injected the chef with a powerful neurotoxin.
Heading straight for his nervous system, it began to switch off all his vital functions including his ability to see, hear, and breathe.
It also kick-started a fast-moving necrotizing infection across his face.
- Aah! Aah! - Within 20 minutes, you asphyxiate, and your heart stops, and, uh, you're done, son.
Announcer: As the saying goes, "you are what you eat.
" In chef Wang's case, he is exactly what he should be dead.