Animal Control (2023) s03e08 Episode Script

1
Are you sure you don't want
to take those off?
This is for your work ID badge.
No, thank you.
I feel like these capture my vibe.
And if I take them off, I might spew.
[CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS]
Oh, there's one coming.
- No, I gotta go.
- Oh.
- Gotta go.
- Oh, are you
- Okay. Frank, you're next.
- Oh, no.
I'm gonna use my old one,
I look awesome.
- You look 24.
- I'm 25.
You can actually see my first
rental car in the background.
- Umm
- I'll go.
I lost three pounds,
but I gotta go before lunch
because I ordered a real salt bomb.
Can we go full body please.
Uh, no.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[EXHALE]
[CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS]
Okay. Next.
♪
- [LOUD SNEEZE]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS]
I call this look, the Spanish puppeteer.
[CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS]
[TALKING THROUGH HER TEETH]
Can someone please
press the button for me?
Just anybody?
- [SNAP]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS]
Uh, one more for me, please.
For my real estate website.
Just leave some room on
the side. It's for a bus bench.
What? No.
Frank, you're the last one.
It's either this or I can grab
an image from the body cams
and that fish-eye lens
does nobody any favors.
Fine.
One, two, three.
Is that Alexander Skarsgård?
No, I get that all the time.
Okay, fine. Whatever.
[CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS]
♪
They're still in there?
I've never been as excited
about anything
in my entire life as Emily is about
the groundbreaking for the new kennel.
I've never seen Fiona so engaged.
Well, that doesn't surprise me,
because you seem like
a one-move kind of lover.
Well, if it ain't broke.
Oh, and by the way, next time
you're at her place,
can you not douse yourself
in that cheap cotton candy perfume?
It lingers in the sheets
and makes me feel like
I'm having sex with a dunk tank clown.
If we're making requests
could you not leave
your discolored night guard
on her bedside table?
The ghost of your smile
haunted me at a very climactic moment.
Hmm, sounds like you guys
should probably break up.
Trying to split up a same-sex
couple is homophobic.
- I'm not homophobic.
- Yes, you are.
No. I'm not.
I watch RuPaul's Drag Race and yes,
originally I thought it
was about stock cars,
but I stuck with it.
Such an ally.
Oh, by the way, I have dibs
on Fiona for Saturday.
Fine, but if she's hungover on Sunday,
I get the next three-day weekend.
Hey.
- Thank you.
- Wow. I'd normally advise against
removing one's shoes
in a business meeting,
but I really enjoy
toe testing the artificial
grass samples.
Right. The blade count makes
a huge difference.
It does. You continue to impress Emily.
- Awe.
- Now, any last details can be
worked out with my attorney, Alan.
- Right, Alan?
- Of course.
I like making him talk.
- Nailed it.
- Thank you.
- Hi.
- Hi. Walk with me, please.
So we don't look suspicious.
So on Saturday, I was
thinking we hit the spa.
We start with a body wrap,
we end with a body unwrap.
It looks like this sandwich
needs a little Frank meat.
Ooh.
Wish I could have another run
at that one.
- Hmm.
- I'm going to Paris today.
- No.
- I know.
Mm, tough draw, Victoria.
Do you want to do something
with me on Sunday?
That is the day after Saturday
so, I will still be in Paris.
Oh, right. Because of the time change.
I'm going to really miss you both.
Oh my god.
That was the sexiest
handshake of my life.
Yeah, how did she do that
with her thumb?
Hey, can we talk for a second?
- Who are you?
- Miss Holcomb's attorney.
Listen it's just not working.
What's not working?
You and Miss Holcomb
and Miss Holcomb and you.
First part I get. Second part is absurd.
I regret to inform you.
Miss Holcomb no longer wishes
to continue her relationship
with either of you.
She was Are we being dumped?
By the Ghost of Orville Redenbacher?
You both have 24 hours
to collect your personal things
from Miss Holcomb's residence.
After that, your key fobs
will no longer get you on the property.
I'm so sorry. This is never easy.
I
Well, finally got boned
by Fiona at the same time.
Rub-a-dub-a-dub
it's a dooggy in a tub
Hey. So Maya gave me
till midnight for boys night.
So we're good to watch Die Hard 2
as long as we start by 9:07.
- Can I run something by you?
- Yeah, of course.
How would you feel about
introducing a third?
I already crunched the numbers,
no time for Die Hard 3.
No, I mean, having a third
boy to boys night.
Specifically Parker.
Our former squatter?
My current roommate.
He's the secret sauce
to having a good time.
He's like, if one and a half
beers was a person.
I only get one boys night a quarter.
I need my one and a half beers
to be actual beers.
Buddy, I'm just gonna say it.
He's a little magical.
He almost made our house disappear.
Our friendship,
it's a delicate ecosystem,
a coral reef.
But he he's he's global warming.
No.
He's global cooling,
the reef will thrive.
So, are we doing this?
- [BLOW DRYER]
- Great.
You're gonna love him.
[BLOW DRYER]
♪
Why'd you bring so much work stuff here?
This isn't work stuff.
Oh, you scared her off.
I'm collateral damage
because you're a sex freak.
You left not one,
but two discolored night guards
in her bedside drawer.
I chew through one of these
every couple of months.
My periodontist is super impressed.
Who breaks up with someone
through a lawyer?
Yeah. Did our meaningless sex
mean anything to her?
We should, like, key her private jet.
You know, it's too bad
that there's only two of us.
Because we could just drink
all her pricey wine.
There could be more of us.
- Like a party?
- Yeah.
Yeah, but we'd have to keep it
hidden from Emily.
But, yeah, I could text a
few buddies. Short notice.
Short notice because you'd
have to make a few buddies first.
My first text will be to Janet
and the Hellraisers
at the community garden.
Unless they're wiped out
from pulling an all-nighter
looking for evening primrose.
Okay, whatever.
I just invited 200 people.
Hmm. Maybe it's better
to call Janet than text.
She uses mostly a landline.
And if I'm talking really loud,
it's cause she's very hard of hearing.
She sounds great.
These are dry rubs with 37 spices.
Hope you enjoy.
Yeah, do you have ketchup?
Ketchup.
A man who knows what he wants.
Okay, you're not even trying.
I know for a fact you
don't even like ketchup.
You once referred to it
as aioli for a
Maybe I developed a taste for it.
All right, here's that ketchup, man.
Also made you an old fashioned.
Shred mentioned it was your favorite.
Yeah, well, I have a lot of favorites.
Mmm, wow.
Yo. Frank just invited us to a party
and it's at a mansion.
That doesn't sound like Frank.
That's spam.
- Do not reply.
- Listen, listen.
The worst thing in life is to wake up
and have somebody come up and ask
Hey, did you catch that meteor
shower last night?
Right now, the meteor shower
has landed in our laps.
So what are we gonna do?
We're gonna let it sit there
and burn a hole in our pants or what?
Okay, if I say yes to go,
I can't go in my daughter's
XL camp shirt.
Look at this thing.
That's what we call a solvable problem.
- Come on, man.
- Let's finish up those wings.
I made, like, a dozen.
Yeah, and they were like, whatever.
♪
Uh oh. Nice suit, Carl.
Frank didn't mention a dress code,
but it's always best to overdress.
Dress code? For what?
A a restaurant Frank recommended.
Oh. What restaurant?
Italian.
It's called Italian.
- Yes, it is.
- Huh.
No need to Yelp
because it's untraceable
on the internet.
That's how new it is.
I still can't believe I got in.
- [LAUGH]
- Yeah.
Milady.
Huh. Okay.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Oh.
- [EXHALE]
Close call with the boss.
See you at Fiona's.
MapQuest says 27 minutes,
but I drive slow.
What the hell?
Oh, of course, Carl uses MapQuest.
- Okay, Frank.
- [PHONE DIALING]
Pick up.
Oh, straight to voicemail. Great.
Really, Frank,
you're screening my calls.
Okay, I don't know what's going on,
but I hope you're making smart choices.
[LOUD PARTY MUSIC]
Let's go! We got a party party!
Yeah! Okay. Parker. Shred. Patel.
This three-headed party beast
needs a name,
and I'm just going to
throw it out there. PSP.
[LAUGH] Yeah.
Do not include me in a crew name.
I got one foot out the door.
I feel ridiculous in this shirt.
You don't look ridiculous, though.
You look ri-dic-ulous.
You know what I'm saying?
- Come on now.
- Hey.
Patel, I'm loving the look.
It's very Mykonos meets school drop off.
Parker, this is Victoria and Frank.
You have a lovely home.
Oh, thank you. It's not ours.
Um, so the bar is over there,
priceless artwork over there.
Kind of scattered, really.
Um use your judgment. Have fun.
I have fun wherever I go,
It's a gift and a curse.
Funerals must be confusing.
They are the worst and the best.
Okay. PSP. Three G and T's.
BRB.
It's just PS. My P's not fully on board.
Also, it's loud in here.
It's really loud.
I'm feeling really good,
like revenge-wise.
Yeah.
Do you know what would be
a great capper?
If we both hooked up with
other people in her house.
You must have been
terrifying as a teenager.
- Thank you.
- I love this plan.
Yeah, there's a lot of
great options here.
Hello. Hey.
I take it that's your gardening crew.
Oh, it's Janet and
the dirty boys are here!
I heard the rhubarb came in.
Who wants pie?!
[CHEERS]
[SCOFFS]
How was Italian, Carl?
Uh move.
Um, I've been instructed
not to let anyone in
without the password.
Is the password, you're fired.
Okay um
let let me just talk
to the guys inside
and see what I can do.
Okay, fine. But just hurry.
[LOUD MUSIC CONTINUES TO PLAY]
[DOOR LOCK]
No, he didn't.
Carl!
Carl, let me in!
[PHONE RINGING] Let me in!
Oh!
Oh, okay.
[SCOFFS]
Wow.
[GASPS]
Okay.
♪
Anyone catching your eye?
Don't point, you, dingus!
Let's go and talk to her.
Are you trying to wingman me right now?
'Cause I'm good.
You're talking to the same guy
that got handpicked from a concert crowd
to go backstage and meet Paula Abdul.
Recently? Or
Yeah. I didn't think so. Let's go.
I'm just gonna talk to her?
Hi! You're tall.
My friend, Frank, is tall, too.
You guys should meet.
Hey, I'm Blair.
Hey, I can run a six-minute mile
with a dog under each arm.
Just to clarify, he's talking
about saving animals,
not stealing them.
He's a terrible flirt
and a little bit snarky,
but other than that, he's he's great.
I'm not mad at a little snark.
Oh, well, then you're gonna love
my thoughts
on people who refer
to sandwiches as sandos.
Huh? What about sammies?
- [LAUGH]
- Ha-ha.
Yuck.
♪
This shirt breathes better
than I expected.
You're the one breathing.
Breathe it in life!
Oh! I know this song!
It's from one of the Trolls movies.
Probably the prequel.
That soundtrack goes hard.
Hey!
♪
Oh, there he goes.
Hey, watch out, that's my guy
Patel right there.
Watch out!
Uh-uh, don't take the
temperature of the room, P.
Don't do it to him, bro. Do not.
I have only seen him move
like this one time
when he was being
stung by yellow jackets.
Whatever you did, I'm impressed.
Nah, the moves were inside
of him all along.
I just gave him a little bump.
Oh, you got a little bump from me.
I got one for you.
Oh, that's not what I meant,
but that's so fun.
So fun.
I had no idea that ferrets
were so vicious.
Oh, yeah. Once they burrow up
your pant leg, it's over.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHING]
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- Halt! Halt!
Okay, halt! Everybody halt!
Okay, halt the party!
Halt the party!
Victoria, I see you.
Frank, do not move.
Everyone else, form an orderly line.
Okay. And we're just gonna exit calmly.
That's a nice dance move.
Ah!
No, it's not a dance move. It's no.
- [PARKER] Hey!
- It's emergency protocol.
All right. Who told Emily?
Seriously! Not cool, guys!
Huh.
[PARKER] Wave your hands
to the calmly exit.
Okay, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed
and upset and angry and betrayed.
We have only 27 business days
to go to the groundbreaking.
And I'm scaling ivy patches.
We didn't think you would want to come
to a secret party at Fiona's.
Okay, so this is a secret party?
She doesn't know about this?
We're breaking and entering, then.
I'm complicit in a B and E!
Okay, I'm way too drunk
to, um, keep lying.
So we were sleeping with Fiona.
What?!
Together?!
No! That's unprofessional, separately.
But discussed via work email.
Oh, cheese and crackers!
Oh, don't worry,
because Alan called off the whole thing.
You were sleeping with Alan, too?
No little jump there.
So he just handled the paperwork,
including the NDA,
which we are now breaking
because, like, honestly, we just
we love and trust you.
Girl, I want a hug.
No. No, don't you hug me.
Don't you dare hug me.
You are risking the kennel for this.
Okay, we need to get everyone
out right now.
Hey, DJ, could you please play something
to get everyone's attention?
[BUZZER NOISE]
[CHEERS]
I saw that one coming.
A casino in the basement?
This party rocks!
That's sick.
Jack? Dude!
- How are ya?
- Hey.
- Oh my goodness.
- What's up?
Parker, this is our old vet tech, Jack.
What? You don't look that old to me.
I drink a lot of water.
The game is craps. Y'all want to play?
P, you can't lose tonight.
Do the honors.
You got it.
What the heck?
That's a lot of money.
It's on you.
[DICE ROLLING]
Come on!
Woohoo! Oh!
And with that, we keep it moving.
Yeah, we keep it moving.
- All right.
- [LAUGHS]
You know, guys, I'll catch up with you.
You want some more?
I can't leave on a winning roll.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hi, sorry about that.
My boss is trying
to shut down the party,
but she's bad at it, so we have time.
Why is this her house?
No, no, it's my ex's,
but it's all good she's
not here. She's in Paris.
This is a revenge rager
for breaking up with us.
Us?
Oh, yeah. My coworker and I.
Because it sounds awesome
to be in a three-way,
but it was a hassle,
like NDAs and scheduling.
Uh no, thank you.
I was just trying
to get back into the game
after my last thing.
She was a stalker.
I don't know why this is so complicated.
I had a great relationship
with my mom. She's dead.
If this is gonna happen,
you're gonna have to talk less.
- I don't have to talk at all.
- Shh.
Come on. It's not hard
to hit a 10. Hit a 10!
[DICE ROLLING]
- Seven.
- Oh!
- Hey, what's going on?
- He's down $5,000.
What? Patel?
Dude, you're a city employee.
- You can't afford this.
- You lost all your magic
when you took your party shirt off.
Nope, I did not take my party shirt off.
I lost it in the game.
Why did you tell me that I can't lose?
I'm not built for that
kind of confidence.
Okay, hey. You're
lashing out. You're scared.
We get it. We're here for you.
PSP will get through this.
There's no more PSP. I'm pulling my P.
My P is pulled.
You're charging up
a lot of negative thoughts,
and I'm not sure that's the headspace
we want to be in on boys night.
Don't even get me started on boys night.
♪
Out! Out! You get out! You get out!
You please get out.
These aren't fun sprays.
These are dispersal sprays. [SPRITZ]
[SPRITZ] Please [SPRITZ]
get out [SPRITZ].
- [RECORD SCRATCH]
- You get out! You
[MUSIC STOPS]
Did you play an actual record scratch?
It's an option in my smart house app.
You weren't supposed to be back yet.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did the Icelandic volcanic eruption
that made my jet turn around
conflict with your plans
to trash my house.
A little bit.
No, Fiona, we were not going
to trash your house.
Your house is still a beautiful house
and we were all just heading out.
Right, everybody. [SPRITZ]
Everybody out. [SPRITZ]
[SPRITZ]
Everyone out.
[COLLECTIVE AWES]
That's what I had said.
This is not cool, guys.
Oh, not cool?
Kind of like dumping us
through a lawyer.
You signed NDAs.
This was not a real relationship
because neither of you
are ready for that.
What does that mean?
You give off a strong,
emotionally stunted,
just down for a good time vibe.
You give off a very very strong
dominatrix vibe in a good way.
Look, this was fun
and then disappointing,
and now it's veering into illegal.
Hey, can I get a new set of headphones?
I sat on mine.
Fiona, I'm so, so sorry.
This definitely got out of hand.
You are their boss.
This is totally unprofessional.
I don't know if sleeping
with two of my employees
is super professional.
They don't work for me.
Yeah, but you kind of have
power over them.
I mean, you're providing funding
for a huge project, so
If you don't want to take my money,
I don't have to give it to you.
Okay.
What does that mean?
[DEEP INHALE]
Um I'm waffling, but I think it means
that I don't want your money
if you're going to treat
people like that.
Um, yeah.
No, that's that's definitely
what that means.
I think you're going
to regret this, Emily.
Yeah, I definitely already do,
because money is, like, very,
very hard to come by.
But, um, at least I'm trusting
my gut with decisive courage.
You finally read chapter 12 of my book.
I did, and it was amazing.
I'm such a huge fan.
- Just get out.
- Yeah, okay.
Parker, I mean, this is not
necessarily a negative way,
but I wish you were never born.
Whoa.
It's okay, buddy, let it out.
No, I'm not your buddy.
I'm not your boy.
Everything bad that happened
tonight is your fault.
Dude, he kind of just encouraged you
to take one roll and then leave.
Well, that's not how I remember it.
He charmed me into believing in myself,
which is not cool.
I obviously didn't do well enough
because you've got giving-up eyes.
See that? Giving up.
You see, I think you got
one move left in you.
But only you know what that move is, P.
My gut is to place one more huge bet,
win all my money back.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
Jack! We love to request
a double or nothing.
No dice.
Emily took them.
Dang.
I'm done dabbling in games of chance.
It's time for feats of strength.
I'll bet you $5,000
I can eat six of those rhubarb pies.
They're yours if you want them.
Let's dance, pie guy.
Put ten minutes on the clock.
Buddy, why would you give yourself
a time limit for this?
That's my curfew.
Also, I can go home smelling
like pastries.
I mean, hell, she would be
suspicious if I didn't,
but I can't go home 5K in the hole.
Eat it.
[SHRED] PSP, PSP, PSP!
Em, I'm really, really, really sorry.
I hear that and I heard it the
first four times you said it.
It doesn't sound like it's trending
towards getting us in less trouble.
Yeah, it is not.
I guess we were being selfish,
which reminds me, I walked out of there
with a very expensive bottle of wine
in my underwear.
Give me that.
You two owe me a kennel.
Victoria's very sorry
for everything she's done.
[CHEERS]
Oh no. Do it!
Come on.
Swallow that pie, boy.
Let's go.
You really do work with animals.
Oh, don't worry, most of them
have had their shots.
That's my boy right there!
Let's go!
[CROWD CHANTING]
Do you want some ice cream?
Not now, Janet.
That's not what's happening.
- Five.
- PSP for life!
[CROWD] Four. Three. Two. One.
- Come on!
- [CHEERS]
That's what I'm talking about!
Yeah! Let's go man!
You know.
I don't know if it's
the emotional release
of the night or
if I have a rhubarb allergy, but,
thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah. Thank you.
I mean, that was incredible.
And the first time I've enjoyed
watching him eat.
Well, people can do incredible things
when they believe in themselves
and when they have crippling debt.
I love your vibe.
What are you doing now?
PSP. It's been real.
- Bye.
- All right.
PSP. PSP.
My place.
Yes.
Frank
Before you head out,
is that the mystery woman
you've been dating?
No, the mystery woman was Fiona.
What?!
Hell of a night, everybody!
Hell of a night!
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
Really hoping this isn't a butt dial
in the middle of your rebound.
No. I added two-factor authentication
after I accidentally called my Nan
during a four-handed massage.
How did it go with that tall lady?
Yeah well, she really didn't
like it when I talked,
and that bummed me out,
so I called it off.
You have fun with Parker?
Yeah. Yeah, we had a laugh.
It was cool.
Um, I don't know.
I think I'm just tired.
Yeah, it can be exhausting
being emotionally stunted.
Where does she get off
saying that stuff?
She's a lunatic,
with questionable taste
in female partners.
I think tall lady
just didn't like you talking
because your gardening stories
are so boring.
Oh, I don't bring up gardening
in the wooing stage.
I save that strictly for pillow talk.
Hello?
Oh, sorry, I just nodded off.
Oh, and what did you
and Parker talk about?
Current trends and interest rates?
- Good night, Frank.
- 'Night.