Animals. (2016) s03e08 Episode Script

1 (SPY THEME MUSIC PLAYING) - Holy smokes, we fixed it.
- We did it.
Just to recap everything: By plugging in this thumb drive, we're committing an act of treason against the government in support of an extremist organization, known as the Labcoats.
Who are the ones who are trying to foil the U.
S.
government's plan to nuke New York City, thus saving all the animals, which is a good thing.
They're also the extremist group that killed all the humans in the first place.
So, that's a bad thing? That's pretty bad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But if we plug this in, the Labcoats are gonna pay us $10 million, which we'll parlay into nice one-bedrooms in Hackensack, New Jersey.
- Sick.
- BOTH: We're gonna do it.
You just gotta You just gotta turn it.
- Yeah.
I got it, I got it.
- I never know which way to turn these.
I know.
Having trouble finding the hole.
I've been there before.
- (SHOUTS) - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) Did Did we do it? I don't know.
Oh, check your phone.
Maybe they, like, Venmoed us or something like that.
I don't have the Venmo app.
Did you call it "the Venmo app"? - Whatever.
- What are you, 50? I just don't trust that stuff PayPal, Venmo, all that.
- Do you Do you hear that? - (MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING) - (PARTY HORNS BLARING) - (ELECTRONIC CHIMING) Whoa, dude.
Whoa, dude! - MIKE: What the? - Oh, shit, man! - (SCREAMS) - Oh, fuck, Mikey! - What's happening, dude? - I don't know! - (CHEERING) - MAN: Yes! Look at that, they did it.
They actually did it! Three years in the bunker and Phil and Mike finally treasoned.
(STAMMERING): Well That's gotta be a record for So You Think You Won't Treason.
Shit, record.
I mean, I didn't actually think they'd do it.
No, I knew you'd do it, boys.
I knew it all along.
Congratulations! - Thank you so much, sir.
- You fucking pieces of shit! - Copy that.
- Let's get you over here, if we can.
- Yeah! - Yeah, yeah.
- That's really good.
- Stand up straight! What's What's going on, buddy? Right down the barrel if you can, okay? Really smile, boys.
You have no idea what's ahead of you.
Oh, wow.
Say "treason.
" - Hi, America.
- Yeah, there you go.
- Say hi.
And bye.
- I think we've done it.
Copy that.
So we'll go with you guys? - SAPPHIRE: Nope.
- Sounds good, copy that.
- Cool.
- So you guys are all in the business? - That's cool.
- Cool.
We're writing stuff, so.
We definitely have some ideas, if anybody's, like, interested.
It's an animated show, it's for kids.
There's sci-fi, and it stars Plonky.
Um - He's right over there, so.
- MIKE: Plonky! So you guys saw everything that we did this whole time? Even the orange thing? - He's nodding, so that was a yes.
- So the orange incident.
That's an affirmative from the government.
They got the orange incident.
PHIL: All right, that's it.
That's all from me.
(STATIC CRACKLES) Ladies and gentlemen of the court, it's quite simple.
My opponent is a fucking coward.
Let's dance, motherfucker.
(GROWLS) I'll die for Jim Carrey, I will.
Also, I'm secretly in love with you.
- Get off me.
- I'm here with my wife, Sofía Vergara.
(GASPS, PANTING) PHIL AND MIKE (CREEPILY): Nikolai - (GUNFIRE) - (NIKOLAI WHIMPERING) (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) EMPEROR PHIL: Where is he? (GUNSHOTS) (EMPEROR PHIL SIGHS) Well I suppose we lost him there.
Yeah, I don't see him anywhere.
I mean, we looked over there.
- We looked over there.
- We looked over there.
What about the closet? No rat would be dumb enough to hide in the closet though, would he? (PHIL AND MIKE LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Sorry, I just got a case of the giggles.
They're half off at the store.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - Good one! I read it on a Popsicle.
(LAUGHS) When did you When did you have a Popsicle? Just earlier today.
I thought we were doing the diet thing together.
Yeah, no, it was a Skinny Cow, so it was under the calories and everything.
- What the fuck? - What's wrong? - I'm being serious.
- What happened? What the fuck, Emperor Mike? - Emperor Phil - What the fuck? MIKE: What is going on? You know where the ice cream is! I don't know where the ice cream is, Emperor Mike! I haven't gotten my own food - in, like, three fucking years! - Oh, my God.
I don't know where the fucking ice cream is.
- And you promised me! - Okay.
You promised me that we would go on this diet together! - Come here.
- Don't fucking touch me! Emperor Phil, enter my embrace.
(PHIL EXHALES SHARPLY) That's it.
- (INHALING) - Take it easy.
Breath in.
- (EXHALES) - Let it out.
- PHIL: I'm sorry.
- MIKE: It's okay.
It's hot in here and I'm tired.
It's been a long day.
And this is what it's about.
- Communication.
- It's about communication.
How 'bout we put a pin in this and catch the rat in the closet? PHIL: Oh! We've been dancing around it enough.
- (BOTH YOWL) - (NIKOLAI SCREAMS) Oh, my God, this is delicious.
Emperor Phil, don't you think this is delicious? You know what it is? It's the fear.
The fear adds a certain taste and I just love it.
Nikolai, you've really outdone yourself this time.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you, Highnesses.
The Tofurky has been coming out great recently.
But I was wondering, the next time we play "cat chases rat," perhaps I could not be the rat? PHIL: Nikolai! You're breaking the fourth wall, buddy! - Yeah, I know.
- You are the rat, so just be the rat.
See, Nikolai, it's a never-ending, immersive experience.
Like VR headsets or someone explaining the appeal of VR headsets.
Sure, but, um, your Highnesses Call us "Heinies.
" It's shorter than "Highnesses.
" Yes, yes, uh, your Heinies.
Perhaps, just in order to keep up the whole immersive experience, we could replace Nikolai in a rat costume with I don't know, like, an actual rat? Yeah, as the real-life Mike and the executive producer of HBO's The Trial, it was a bitch adapting it to TV.
(SNIFFS) Oh, my God.
I'm so fucking nasally right now.
How closely was Phil involved in the project? - (SNIFFS) Who's that? - Phil Matarese, your opponent in the actual trial, and according to Wikipedia, your best friend.
(CHUCKLING) No, no, no.
Miles Teller's actually my best friend, 'cause I'm young Hollywood.
But Phil? No.
I haven't spoken to him since I won the trial.
Are they superimposing Phil on the screen right now? Just make sure that I'm taller, like in real life.
It's an open Hollywood secret that Phil wears lifts.
- (GUNSHOT) - (GLASS SHATTERS) BOTH: Get us those rats.
NIKOLAI: Yes, your Heinies.
You're such a mess Okay, so what can I do for you two today? We wanna get married, but his parents won't let us.
Hey, young love is in the air.
Well, as long as you're both of equitable age of consent, that's fine.
How old are you guys? - I'm 27.
- Okay, and you? (STOMPS) Okay, uh, are you saying you're two? (IN CHILD'S VOICE): This pigeon lady's gonna be my mommy.
Ugh, God.
Officer Tim, get the bird handcuffs in here.
- (INTERCOM BUZZES) - We got another one.
Oh, so Woody Allen gets to keep making movies, but a 38-year-old pigeon can't date a toddler horse? You just said you were 27.
- I look 27! - HORSE: Stop fighting! - TIM: Get-Get over here! - PIGEON: You can't catch me! Up and out the window.
Why do we leave the window open? I'll find you, young horse! (KNOCKING) Hey, um, sorry, McManus is actually here.
Goddamn it, get out of my way! Matarese, walk with me.
You're up on Cripple Creek without a paddle, Matarese.
What are you talking about? What happened? You pulled rank on me, Matarese.
I know I may have sand for brains, but I'm the midsize animal labor union rep.
That means cats are my jurisdiction.
What are you talking about, cats? Did we make contact with the DPRKC? (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) Playing dumb, huh? - Cute.
- Stop stroking my face.
The mayor's gonna have your head on a silver platter, just how I like my butler to deliver my chicken nuggets.
And yeah, I have a butler, and uh, yeah, she's also my mommy.
Bet you thought it was a dude, right? Sexist pig! Hi, everyone! Sorry we're late.
You know how it is, just talking.
You really screwed the pooch on this one, Matarese.
Hey, come on.
I'm right here.
If we want new New York to run smoothly, we all gotta stay in our lane.
Can someone fill me in, please? At 0500 hours, we got the first-ever outbound communications from DPRKC, requesting you by name, that's Phil Matarese, to report to the palace of The Emperors.
They may have heard about my Animals Peace Pact.
If I can sit - (ALL GROAN) - Jesus, the APP thing again.
Listen, Phil, we know it's been a passion project.
But we can't consent to you going into enemy territory because of a letter.
It's not even notarized.
Didn't even notarize it? It's a death march! Who doesn't notarize? You gotta "motorize" it.
My butler mom's got a motorized scooter.
- It's changed her life.
- Wow.
You know what I think? I think Matarese here is still trying to make up for losing his stupid fucking trial! - Yes.
- Totally agree.
He decided to circumvent the chain of command to get what he wanted Fame, glory.
Well, I say go for it, Matarese.
Wait.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? I hereby grant you full travel permissions into Unsanctioned Sector KS 214, also known as (IN DEMONIC VOICE): the Democratic People's Republic of Kitty City! I understand the risks and accept.
You two are in Orb's hands now.
Wait, what do you mean "you two"? Jesus Christ, just tell Tom Holland I'll meet him at Zumiez.
Trotts! I saw your set at the Cellar the other night.
So funny.
I had to follow Jeselnik, but thank you, thank you.
I do okay.
McManus! Lookin' thin, buddy.
Yeah.
I've had diarrhea for a month.
Thank God I have hardwood floors.
- Mayor Jacob, always a pleasure.
- (CHUCKLES) Sick.
Okay.
Well, clearly, The Emperors of KC saw my various hosting gigs and wanted a sit-down, on-camera exclusive with yours truly.
My team and I have been workshopping some stuff.
Here's what we're thinking.
VICE meets that Seth Rogen movie meets Nick News with Linda Ellerbee.
And we'll have like a real run-gun setup, real Duplass Bros kind of artful camera work, leave room for improvisation if need be, that kind of stuff.
I heard Room 104 was good.
What is he doing here? For Orb's sake! I mean, come on! What? What? What happened? These Kitty City emperors also requested the presence of Mike.
Looks like the band's back together.
Fucking reunion show nobody asked for.
Why would The Emperors request Mike too? - Something's not right.
- You both got your mission.
But just know this: By entering the DPRKC (McManus snoring) you're going off the map, into the darkness.
I'll be honest.
No one's ever come out of Kitty City alive.
Here, take Ruber Force One.
Orb speed to you both.
Okay, Ruber Force One should be around (PHIL GASPS) - MIKE: What? - PHIL: Is that? BOTH: Wallet! (BOTH CHEERING) Yes, dude! Wait, so he's Ruber Force One? - Oh, my God! - We're gonna go and ride inside of him! I actually heard he was baked in a cotton candy factory.
I heard he was made in a molasses factory 'cause he's sweet and dense.
Wait, can I poke your belly? - (SQUEAKS) - (BOTH SQUEAL) He squeaks! - All right, let's get in.
- Yeah! God, it's incredible in here! I should be documenting this.
All right, Philly boy, I'm gonna need you to be my one-man crew.
- PHIL: Nope.
- Okay, we're talking hair and makeup.
- Nope.
No.
- Cameraman.
DIT, whatever the fuck that is.
- You're so fucking weird now, dude! - I'm not weird! You have a GoPro, just film your little thing.
- PHIL: Put your shirt down.
- MIKE: Fuck it! We'll do it live! (BOTH SCREAMING) (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) (ALARMS WAILING) I spent the best years of my youth Highlighting my classroom notes Studying those Blah! Holy shit! MIKE: We're in Kitty City again.
This is freaky.
Okay, thanks for the ride, Wallet.
- We'll see you later.
- Thanks, buddy.
- All right, so, uh - Phil, hear me out on this.
If it's about bringing him along with us, then yes.
Great.
Wallet, get over here, buddy.
Hey, Wallet, you ever see a phone before? (PHONE CHIMES) - Oh, ho! - He likes that.
Oh, my God.
He is holding your hand.
Just intrinsically.
He's just looking at his phone and he reached up.
He's holding your pinky.
Not quite the welcome I was expecting.
Thought they'd have like a branded step-and-repeat or something.
Someone's gotta come welcome us, right? They said there'd be someone.
- (SCREAMS) - (SQUEAKS) There they are, our ambassadors.
- Hello, I am Nikolai.
- Hi, Nikolai.
I am the assistant to The Emperors, so nice to meet you.
We are incredibly humbled by this experience Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who's the round one? We didn't order him.
Oh, that's Mike.
We used to be best friends, but we had a big trial.
This whole thing happened.
- What the fuck, dude? - No, I'm clear on you two rats.
I'm talking about the pigeon.
Oh, Wallet! - He's our social media liaison.
- Yeah.
Well, we should've gotten clearance.
But my goodness, he is so huggable.
- Right? - Yes! Exactly.
Huggable's the word.
- He's so sick.
- Why don't we head off? Welcome to the glorious DPRKC.
- Wow! - Wow.
Over there is our local convenience store.
Over there is our post office.
Wow, look at that.
Well, that looks nice, what's that? The DPRKC hotel.
That's right.
We have all the normal amenities here.
We have a bellboy, there's a doorman, a concierge.
I don't really know what they do! Keep driving, Nikolai! And this is our local watering hole.
Ha-ha! I am very drunk! Luckily in the DPRKC, every hour is happy hour! - Whoa! - (NIKOLAI LAUGHING) - Sounds good.
- Isn't that great? That's a great line.
Yeah.
That wasn't a line.
He was just talking.
Sure.
Okay, yeah.
Just normal conversations.
- All right, let's get outta here.
- Okay.
NIKOLAI: The historic Emperor's Palace.
- MIKE: Whoa.
- PHIL: Shit, dude.
MIKE: Dude, you think they're gonna send girl cats to our room? - PHIL: What the fuck? Come on, Mike.
- It's something that happens - when you go to other countries.
- PHIL: No, it's not! Why is he so frantic? Did you give him sugar on the way here? Wallet, Daddy's worked too hard on his APP to not have it signed now.
I'm at the finish line.
I don't need your flappin' and flailin' and fucking this all up for me.
- I'm sorry for cursing.
- It's okay.
And Wallet? I need to get super fucking famous, okay? Sorry for cursing.
Phil and Mike, I present to you, The Emperors.
(FANFARE PLAYS) Nikolai, kick the carpet out.
- The carpet, it got caught.
Kick it.
- Sorry.
Yes, sir.
BOTH: Oh, my God.
EMPEROR MIKE: There they are! - Nikolai, you've outdone yourself! - So good.
I know, right? And that little blue one right there? - Yeah? - It's named Wallet.
His name's Wallet? Yes.
He was free.
Oh, my God.
There they are.
Can you tell I'm high? Um, hello.
Can you tell I'm stoned, Nikolai? I thought you said tell them hi.
Me and Mike smoked a "Deutsch" before this.
Hello, sirs.
My name is Phillip Matarese and I've been sent here on behalf of the rest of the animals of New York City.
Did you just do a bump, dude? Oh! Mike Luciano, here.
- How we doing, emps? - What is this? (BRITISH ACCENT): How you doin'? Okay.
- Here we are inside Kitty City.
- An accent too? That's not necessary.
- The two emperors - Guys, we got the APP.
We just need you to sign here.
Would you shut the fuck up, Mike? (NORMAL VOICE): What are you doing? You're ruining my shot! You're ruining my big moment in the light of history, dude! This is my big moment in the bright lights of fame! Fucking idiot! Get the fuck (RATS SQUEAKING) - Phil, Mike, silence.
- (PANTING) You seem to be under the impression that you're here for any sort of purpose.
You were both just on TV at the right time.
It's that simple.
Chaos reigns and The Emperors rule.
- (METAL SCRAPES) - (WHIRRING) You see, they have hunted all kinds of animals.
Bear, boar, Borland.
But now, they wish to hunt the most dangerous game of all.
Rat! Nikolai, you did us dirty, didn't ya? - I did.
- You're a bad guy? I'm a bad guy, yeah.
So basically, we're just gonna chase you through a series of rooms beginning with that little door, right there.
EMPEROR MIKE: That's the one.
Wait, what's he talking about "door?" Wait, this has got to be a joke, right? All right, time's up.
Let's get the wheels going on this.
Here we go.
Let the chase begin! (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Mmm! Mmm JACOB: That chicken's really killing it today, huh? - (CLEARS THROAT) Can I say something? - JACOB: Oh, go ahead.
I don't wanna be out of line, but it feels good not to have Phil or Mike here for a bit.
Oh, yeah, I'm really glad you said that.
I feel like I can talk and not everyone's going like, "Hey, what's up with your egg brains"? You know, I feel like I can just be with my friends here, yeah.
We had to stop serving rosé at the club because of those guys.
JACOB: Why? What'd they do? Something called butt chugging? - (GROANING) - Ew, that's disgusting.
But how would you do that, if you were trying to, like, make a funny video to go online? Hey, gang.
Don't wanna throw us off the loop here, but do you guys think my name sounds like McDonald's? - McManus? Oh, it does! - It does! - Very good, McManus! - Yes, excellent! Somebody's getting two treats! - Mr.
Mayor can I feed him now? - JACOB: Mm-hmm.
McManus, sit.
Sit.
- Stop wiggling.
There.
- Sorry.
Jacob, are you gonna try out for the baseball team this year? We could use a shortstop.
My guidance counselor says that being the mayor of new New York is more than enough extracurricular activity for college.
So get off my back, McManus! Wait, Jacob, are you still in high school? Yup.
I'm the high school mayor.
Check it out, Thursdays on salon.
com Facebook live stream.
But, Mr.
Mayor, there's no time for prom planning committee.
Go, go, go, go! (PANTING) Wait! Phil! Hold on! I'm surprised you're not fucking leaving me in the dust like you did after the trial! Oh, here we go.
I took the opportunities that were presented to me, all right? No, you won the trial and you forgot about me Just like my fucking dad when I was fucking four years old! - Phil! - You're just like him! The world's trying to keep him down.
Look, it sucks about your dad.
Your dad's a piece of shit, dude.
And you were left alone when you were a little kid and that's not fair! - I agree! - Cool! But right now, it's me and you and Wallet.
- Hi, buddy.
- Hi, Wallet.
And we're together in this shit, okay? And when we work together, we make shit happen.
Holy shit.
I'm getting fucking pumped! That's what I'm talking about, dude! You gotta remember that! You actually didn't leave me in the dust, necessarily.
No! You actually texted me pretty often after the trial! I did! I wondered why you weren't texting me back! I was in my own head, and it kind of felt like I was pushing you out.
- It's called miscommunication! - Get in here, bro! - (BOTH WAIL) - (WALLET SQUEAKS) - One more hug, just a very genuine one.
- Yeah, let's do it.
- I love you.
- I love you too, man.
No, really.
It means a lot to me.
That like feels really good.
(SNIFFS) Did you do cocaine off my shoulder? - Just a little bit.
- That's fine.
(CATS YOWLING) I'm gonna bite your fucking head off! They're coming! Go, go go! (SCREAMING) Kind of hackey that it's a big ball of yarn! - Absolutely.
Yeah.
- You know, it works.
Here, Mike, down here! - Uh - Look! Up there! Come on, dude! Time's running out! I can't tell if it's the top or his midriff sort of thing.
I'm so scared that one of the guys is gonna come out.
- It's so freaky.
- Come on, you got it! - Okay, I think I got it! - (YOWLS) - Phil! - Mike! - Is he dead? - MIKE: I'm fine.
- I'm behind the - Just behind the Okay, cool.
I'm gonna try to - Hurry up! - I did it! Whoo! (CHILDREN HUMMING MELODY) MIKE: Is this just It's a Small World After All? PHIL: Yeah.
It's just a really enjoyable ride through different tiny countries, I guess.
This isn't the song.
No, they probably couldn't clear it.
- It's Disney, so.
- Right.
Right.
(BELCHES) Do you have Tums? Uh, I do not.
- Getting heartburn lately, dude.
- Mm.
It smells like chlorine in here.
Look up ahead! There's a window and we can fit through the bars 'cause we're small and rats.
- You know, it's like cat world.
- Yeah, yeah.
But if we jump from here, we'll die, dude.
Dude, at least it'll be on our own terms, right bro? - Let's do it, dude.
- (DOOR OPENS) Sorry, Wallet, but you gotta die with us, too.
- (CAT YOWLS) - (SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) Oh, my God.
It's cotton candy.
This is Wallet land.
It has to be! Wallet, you brought us to some sort of Wallet heaven? Wallet, you're our savior! You saved us! Yes! - Hey, guys.
- Oh! I'm sorry to be a jerk, but can you buy some of this cotton candy? You sort of ruined it by falling into it.
- What is this place? - (VENDOR LAUGHS) It's Kitty City Central, of course! MIKE: Sorry, but Kitty City is sad.
- Yeah, and rundown and scary.
- And spooky.
What? No way.
Kitty City rules.
Basically, right after Green Day, we cats figured it all out.
We've been holding up in here ever since.
We got sustainable energy, all natural food, really good cotton candy.
All that stuff on the outside is a show we put on for tourists and visiting dignitaries.
So the other species don't, like, ask us for money and stuff.
- I gotta look out for mines, yo.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Eric, Eric! Shut up! - What'd you tell them? - Chill, Nikolai! All I said was that DPRKC is a facade and that the reality is cats got it all figured out and we're doing great.
Why? No, they were visiting "The Emperors.
" Wait, wait, hold on.
So the emperors, their palace, Nikolai.
- All this sort of stuff - Okay, okay, guys.
That's the insane asylum.
NIKOLAI: It's an insane asylum, yeah.
It's so nice and palace-like 'cause we have incredible health care.
- And we take care of our own.
- All of our best health care.
Those cats? They just call themselves The Emperors.
(MANIACAL LAUGHTER) Nikolai over here, he's just a freak who's obsessed with being a pretend servant.
Yeah, I'm nuttier than a squirrel's cum shot.
- Ugh! Nikolai.
- It's true, and I respect you for that.
See, we respect all of our sick.
It doesn't matter what you got going on.
Who's the crazy ones now? We've got a growing tech sector, public school teachers are rich as fuck.
- We're doing great.
- We're all doing great.
You guys wanna montage a bit? - Let's do it! - Fuck it! (CHEERING) (BICYCLE BELLS CHIME) I live a pretty fast lifestyle, so having him to ground me is really important.
- Hey, Phil.
- Hey, Nikolai.
I just wanted to apologize for the whole emperors-hunting-you thing.
- You know? It was y'all or me.
- PHIL: Yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
You gotta look out for yours, yo.
But it all kind of worked out, right? I mean, now you know Kitty City isn't a tyrannical dictatorship.
Yeah, I suppose, but my peace pac you know, my legacy and all that sort of stuff.
Come on, man.
Your peace pact, your legacy.
Philip, there's no difference between the paths you and Michael have chosen.
They're both exercises in vanity.
You feel a need to stand out, to show that you, quote, unquote, "count.
" Let me ask you something.
What What do I do? That's for you to figure out.
But perhaps you should start by smoking this fatness.
- All right.
Take a hit.
- (INHALES DEEPLY) What are you guys doing? Smoking some noiche-noiche? Jay and Silent Bob.
- (PHIL GROANS) - MIKE: Whoa! Ooh, boy, he's out.
Jesus, what is in that? It's catnip, or how do you say, "dimethyltryptamine.
Nikolai! What are you, Joe Rogan? You don't just spring DMT on somebody like that.
No one told him to dive right in, yes? You gotta mentally prepare.
You gotta have a shaman.
Duncan Trussel should at the very least be on speed dial.
Dad? Hey, son.
Is that Is that you, Dad? I haven't seen you since I was, like, four years old.
Why'd you Why'd you go, Dad? I got into a really awesome motorcycle accident when I went out to get cigarettes that one time, you know, and died.
So you were gonna come back? - You were gonna come back to us.
- What? No, no, no, no.
I was bailing for sure.
You know, bailing on you and your mom.
Okay, but why, Dad? You're not gonna like it, but I just I just felt like leaving.
So I just kind of left, you know.
I figured, nature, nurture-wise, your mom's got it covered, so.
Guess it's pretty self-centered of me, but as you're finding out, life's kind of self-centered anyways.
- Isn't it? - I suppose you have a point.
Hey, you want a ginger ale? - What? - A ginger ale, you know, the I can get that if you want, you know, easy.
No, I'm I'm okay.
So, just in general, like, what should I do, Dad? You know, like, give me some dad-vice.
How do I be better? I mean, I'm a deadbeat dad, so it's probably not the best idea to come to me for advice.
But in my opinion, you young people want control over your destiny so badly, when in reality, no one has control over their destiny.
You want fulfillment like it's a T-shirt you just put on.
You're just so fixated on never being great or never finding love that you just fail to realize that you were great and loved all along.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
I guess you're right, Pop.
That makes a lot of sense.
Ain't it funny they call it makin' a livin' like you're already dead or something? I mean, what the fuck you wanna do with your life? I mean, what is this all about? I just wanna help animals.
Whoa, whoa.
You know what you should do? - What's that? - Have a big ol' music festival.
Wayne's World 2- style.
You get all the animals together and fucking jam it out.
Even before the Grand Communicator, music was the universal language.
That's a great way to open up the other species to one another, you know.
Call it something dumb and catchy, you know, like, Roachella.
- Whoa.
Roachella.
- (CHUCKLING) I like that.
That's good.
- MIKE (ECHOING): Phil! - I think I gotta go.
Uh, I'll see you around, Dad.
Thanks for the advice.
Yeah, see you, Phil.
Wallet, stop giving him cotton candy.
Come on.
I don't know.
A couple more cotton candies might do him some good.
- Phil.
Phil! He's awake.
- What? Hey, man.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't know you were such a lightweight.
Freshman.
(CHUCKLES) I I had the craziest dream.
Really? Was I there? And was he there? And was Wallet there, too? No, no, no, no.
I wanted Wallet to be there.
But no, it was my fucking dad.
It was in outer space and I saw my dad.
- Whoa.
- That shit was no joke, Nikolai.
Anyway, he said I should put on a music festival.
Like a Wayne's World 2 kind of festival.
- Yeah, yeah! - Like with all the animal species? - Yeah! - Like, coming together? Hey, hey, hey, hey.
The Emperors just recorded an album.
(HARMONIZING): Poo-poo, pee-pee, poo Meow I'm their manager.
You should put them on.
What? The Emperors? I saw them at Silent Bar last week.
It was a nice time.
You know what? Actually, that's a good idea.
Having performers from the DPRKC means strides in democratic relations.
It'll be an all-day thing, with multiple tents, and Wallet can, like, sell cotton candy or, like, I don't know, he could, like, be a bouncy house.
It's the new Green Day tradition.
The new Green Day tradition is Roachella, which is what we're calling it.
We're married to the name.
- It can't change.
- We know.
It's gonna be so much fun.
- Any questions? - Any questions anybody? So, you went to Kitty City to get a peace pact signed, and came back with the idea to throw a big concert with all the animals? - Mm-hmm.
Wayne's World 2 -style - That's right.
is what we're going for.
Timeline-wise, like, two weeks? MIKE: Yeah and it'll be sick.
I think we, as a committee, tend to overthink things.
A whole gathering of animals and music? Can't lose.
(ANIMALS AGREEING) You know what? You're right, can't lose.
- That makes me think of something.
- Yeah.
Now, this is something that I've been thinking about - for a while.
Follow me here.
- Yeah.
Are the Krabby Patties from SpongeBob made of actual crab? Of course Krabby Patties are made of crab.
What the fuck do you think they're made of? (ALL ARGUING) Are you kidding me? Are we actually debating that? - What the fuck? - The chef is a crab.
So it'd be weird if he was serving crab? You guys don't know shit about SpongeBob.
Bob Balaban, huge fan, but you are dead wrong.
This is Bob motherfucking Balaban, okay? You listen to this fucker! Okay, thank you, Trotts.
So where did we leave off with the Roachella thing? Are we we're doing it? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What does Wallet say? Do the honors, Phil.
Wallet, I know you'd never lie to me.
Should we do Roachella in two weeks? That always That's just like a random one.
You should do it again.
- (SLOSHING) - Yes! All right, fuck it! Let's do it! (ALL CHEERING) ALL (CHANTING): Wallet! Wallet! Wallet! Wallet! JACOB: This should've been another Wallet episode.
I I never would hurt you Even if I did you MIKE: I just don't trust that stuff PayPal, Venmo, all that.
Oh, man, I owe I owe a lot of money to friends.
Oh, my God.
I hate it when people They call asking for it And we went out to dinner.
And now I'm getting hit with like, 41.
82.
- It's like what, they're so they - It's like insane.
They must've brought the receipt home or something.
- Yeah.
- And then they fucking - They ask they request - Let me get the next I'll get the next dinner! It doesn't need to be that official.
It's so weird.
It's like, gross.
Now I feel like, was that even fun? Right, now it's a job.
Now it's like a job right off the hook.
Yeah, that's annoying.
Love Love is the answer To the question But thanks for All the suggestions I know I don't care at all Yeah, I know I don't know anything at all (LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)