Archer s03e08 Episode Script

Ugh, what is that? I've never smelled that smell in America.
I live in a "transitional" neighborhood.
As the crack dealers move to nicer ones? This better be good, Krieger.
I mean hula girls, a replica volcano, some -- I have something better! A surprise! I hate surprises.
Except surprise fellatio.
That I like.
The non-Midnight Cowboy kind.
Yeah, no, you can breathe easy.
Actually I can barely breathe at all.
- Oh, probably the bathroom - Jesus, it's a -- A shared bath.
I was going to say a literal shithole.
Krieger, how and why do you live here? I use my salary for "pet" projects.
Nope! Nope! I had Korean barbecue for lunch, I cannot look at a Dr.
Moreau pig-baby.
Relax, you're gonna love this.
No I'm not, and also I need to pee.
Don't be nervous, I'm not gonna rape you.
Jesus Christ! But you were gonna flay me like a perch?! Wh-? No, that's a wetsuit! Of human flesh?! Neoprene! I'm a certified diver.
Why's it skin-colored? It's not if you're black.
What is it with serial killers and skin? I'm not a serial killer.
Wait, why'd you emphasize serial? I didn't, what? Are we doing, did I mention I have a surprise for you? Krieger! Equal parts soju sangria and fear-induced adrenaline means I have to pee.
And not in that sick bathroom, so-- O.
K.
There's a utility sink in my lab.
Fine, wherever.
But no surprises.
Right.
Well.
Except for the one.
Uh, is the surprise that you're pirating cable? No, no, Archer, I've finally cracked it! Wow, amazing, you can play YYZ.
First of all, it's Y-Y-Zed, and second of all, no, I can't yet, it's impossible.
Well -- And third of all, wrong thing! Oh my God.
Krieger.
Is that? But how did? - I mean, at our wedding - I know.
- There was a lot of confusion - Noooooo! Katyaaa! No-ho-ho-hooooo! Gross and/or ick, and is she? Alive? Yeah, man.
Flick her titty.
Katya! You're alive! Well, on, technically.
Either way, you're welcome.
My sweet, beautiful Katya! It's you! My darlink Sterlink, you awake me like the prince of Snow White! I love you! I I love you! Krieger thank you, this is the -- why do you have an erection?! I'm happy.
Here they are! God, geese at the trough.
What? Are you - thanks for startiar my sentence for me - people standing around for? It's Bear Claw Monday.
And almost nine-thirty, Pam, in case you were thinking about, I dunno, working.
Jeez, somebody's raring to go.
Because I burn clean, Cyril.
Because I don't glop up my engine with bear claws.
And also because -- Hello, friends of ISIS! - And also because Katya needs a W-- - Holy shitzombies! I know, right? Still crazy hot.
How -- Well for one thing, no bear claws.
is she even here?! Wait, does this mean you and me -- Pam! I swear to God, if you people can't keep it down, this is the last Bear Claw Mon -- Am I seeing things?! - No, she's really here - Ow, ahh! And if we don't file her W-9 that first check will take, like, eight weeks.
- I'm sorry, I'm a little confused - What, by the dead woman standing here?! Dressed like a whore? Dead woman my still-shapely ass.
She's obviously a double, carved up by KGB plastic surgeons to look like Katya, and -- How dare you?! I'm sorry? How dare you fail to recognize my greatest accomplishment to date?! You finally nailed YYZ? It's zed! And no, Neil Peart stands alone.
I was referring to this! Katya? On the flourish? Is when -- Oh! Sorry, doktor Just like the gypsy woman said! You need to quit going to her.
And you need your head examined if you think that abomination is ever going to work for ISIS! Abomination? Baby, come on, you're not an abomination.
I mean, that's your original skin, right? Hobo.
What? Yes.
See? But -- Hang on, hang on.
Katya-person.
I'm still processing the fact that you're a cyborg.
Yeah, way to bury the lead.
Who're you, Horace Greeley? And also, was I not clear about that? No! - Although she does feel a bit clammy - Ow! Stop it! You stop it! Just because she's a cyborg doesn't mean you can feel her up! Da, I hef feelinks just like all of you.
- I feel love, I leff, I sometimes cry - Albeit a saline-lubricant solution.
Which reminds me, we need to talk about other, um, internal lubricants like -- Stop! That sounds like a private matter.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking ab-- And Katya! My lovely lady.
Needs to go with Pam now to do her stupid W-9.
But Ms.
Archer said-- What, Pam?! That she's so jealous of my love for Katya, she won't hire a world-class spy who also, spoiler alert, can do this?! Babe, you wanna? - Oh! Sorry, darlink - Hey! Wait, or do I mean sploosh? Ya know, it's probably not the worst idea in the world to have someone like her working at ISIS, since-- Since you wanna screw affirmative action? Since the KGB has someone like Barry! Barry! Thet, thet -- Don't worry about Barry.
I'm never gonna let him hurt you again, baby.
Ha! It is Barry who should worry! If I ever see thet zloi mudak again, I -- Don't worry, you won't! Yeah he never calls, he never writes So just go with Pam to do your paperwork -- And I'll go try to convince Malory that you'll be an asset to ISIS.
Thank you Lana, that's -- So not doing it for you.
So don't care.
So! Robocop! Pro or con? Neither! I don't want her to be an ISIS agent, and I certainly don't want her and Sterling back together! Well, I can understand the latter -- I mean, who wears bangs? -- but it can't hurt to level the playing field, now that -- Nikolai has been murdered.
By the new head of the KGB, who is also a cyborg.
Just like the gypsy woman said! Oh for --! - Oh, alright - Really?! Katya can be an ISIS agent?! Probationary.
But if I find out the KGB is behind this -- You won't! They're not! I'll part her out and sell her for scrap.
And I thought you were scared of robots! I -- no, not Katya, she's different! Hmp.
Well don't come crying to me when she breaks your heart again.
She didn't break my heart, Mother, she was murdered.
Yes, and then you ran away from home to, ugh, grief-bang the entire Pacific Rim.
To what? Nothing! Oh please, I bet the gene pool of Polynesia is irreparably altered.
Darlink? Baby, I was emotionally shattered.
Which, turns out, to be kind of a pantydropper.
Is alright, darlink.
I understand this how do you say? Griff-bakink.
See? Is she not something special? Oh, is special occasion? Well, the love of my life, this smoking-hot woman, was not only murdered and then brought back to life, she also just got a job today, so yeah, pretty special.
- Uh - Shut up.
Babe? What're you hungry for? I am thinking.
While she thinks, bring me some soup dumplings.
No, no, I am thinking about your mother.
God, don't waste the ROM, or RAM, whatever.
Does she hate what I am? What you are, meaning "the one woman who can free her child from the psychological prison she's spent a lifetime erecting?" No, darlink, meaning a cyborg.
She'd hate you no matter what you are.
Because I did not ask to be this way Yeah, hey, me either, vis a vis Mother.
And you? Do you think I am a monster? Baby, I don't care about the chips and gears and I assume some hinges? All I care about is what I see when I look into those big green-- oh, I guess they're red now, huh? Anyway, your eyes.
Da? And what do you see in my eyes? Mostly those insane boobs.
Check! Ah.
Ooh.
Eee.
Unn.
Ahhhh.
Darlink? Are you alright? Yes, no, yes.
Yes.
Lot of feelings coming together, just trying to process.
Not gonna lie, having some déjà vu here.
Ahh Ahh Ahh ow! Owwww! Which, if I gave it any real thought, would probably explain a lot.
Try to relex, darlink.
You are, how do you say? To push a rope? Sorry, babe, I'll focus.
But could you close your eyes? I kinda feel like I'm banging tail-lights on a country road.
I swear to God, if I went blind right this very second I'd be okay with that.
Oh, dun't say that! Mr.
Sleepy Head! Sleep? I've been doing yogic breathing work for two hours.
My balls are like cran-baisins.
What? Cranberry raisins? Craisins? Whatever, yes, I call them cran-baisins.
How are you this morning? I em amazink! Don't take this the wrong way, but duh.
I mean our love, darlink.
It feels like what is a giant, unstoppable wave? Wait, you know craisins, but you don't know tsunami? Da, then our love is like tsunami.
Or the Mountain Everest.
An apt metaphor.
Because not only am I lightheaded, certain parts of me are -- Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumb! - They are not coming back.
- Why? In the sink? Is your vagina?! Why? Darlink, it was dirty.
The remedy for which, miss, if you'll forgive my boldness? Da, please, Woodhouse, I think boldness is needed.
What do you suggest? White vinegar, mineral oil, and elbow grease.
Same thing we used in the RFC to clean the engines on our Sopwith Camels.
And so, with your permission, while you breakfast on the terrace I'll get that little pleasure boat looking Bristol! I took the liberty of poaching you an egg.
Is not much of a liberty, considerink thet you are going to polish my vagina.
No.
No it isn't.
And when he woke up from faint, boom! He ren out of there fest like crezzy.
So.
You dated him.
What do you think? I think hang on.
I think if you're looking for insight into why Archer is Archer, you need to jump in a time machine and then go have a treesome with Oedipus and Sigmund Freud.
Thanks for nothing.
Well?! I don't really have a roadmap for my ex finding your robo-gina in the sink.
In the sink, Cyril! In the sink! It was like a transistor radio and a veal cutlet had a baby! Well gross and/or ick-- Right?! -- but I don't see why that means you have to drink my Glengoolie Blue! Because the liquor stores aren't open yet, and she made me pour out all the booze at my house! Holy shit, really? Glengoolie Blue? Yeah, and it's three hundred a bottle I -- which I haven't even tasted yet! Because I was saving it for a special occasion! Befitting a gift from my grandfather! Who's dead! Of course he is, he'd be like, a hundred.
It's almost empty! Just like my heart, Cyril -- Well, not your liver -- because she ripped it out! Wait, your liver? My heart! And threw it in the sink! Wait, her vagina? Ow! Ow! - Oh for --- The old man knew his scotch.
You are such an asshole! Wait, really? Yes, really! That was a gift to my grandfather! From Frank! Sinatra! Well then I feel even worse, because I'm probably gonna puke it up in about five -- One minutes.
But I meant about Katya.
Yes! You are an asshole about all things! But, specifically, now, about Katya.
Or could I hef done something wrung? Besides leavin yer cooch in the sink? Pam! Pam! What? That just sounds considerate.
Is just, I know he hez wery good reason to hate people like me.
Who, whores? And that's twice, sorry, ignore me, my whole thing is I just crave attention.
But I mean, Barry did murder her -- ungh! And my possible father -- ungh! And more importantly, tried to murder me! Unngh! Because Barry! Is a psychopath! That doesn't mean all cyborgs are like that! But Cyril, machines can hurt people.
Waaaaaaghhhh! Well you lost me there, thankfully, but -- Give me that! What, was that Peter Lawford's? No, it was -- Oh shut up, do you wanna learn something? - Probably not - Because did you know that in Chinese, the words for crisis and opportunity are the sathme word? And point? Hello?! Actually I have no idea.
They just used to say that in the hospital.
While they made us fold those pointy goddamn paper birds.
I think what Cheryl's-- Bawk bawk! Therapy cranes! Bawk! I think what she's trying to say is you can either think - of this as a crisis - Or an opportunity! To get closer! - Hooray - By marrying her?! That actually was Peter Lawford's.
And why not, you were gonna marry her before! Before she wasn't a cyborg.
She's still kind, smart, insanely hot Yeah, and even though it's detachable, that vagina is like, mind-shattering.
Oh yeah? What, does it vibrate, or -- Ow! Ow! Dammit You started it! That's my fiancée you're talking about! Really? I can look past our differences, Cyril, I'm a much bigger man than you think.
Plus it'll drive Mother crazy.
Plus yes, it vibrates.
Really?! Yes, really, and Krieger? Today? Hm? Oh! Sorry.
Little thing called timing, Krieger.
And the erection's really not appropriate.
I'm still happy! Katya? Baby? Oh yes, yes, a thousand times yes! When's the wedding, when's the wedding?! I can actually marry y'all right here.
Oh for God's sake! Get it over with! Brett! Aaagh! Wait, do you want me to be a groomsman? No! Go to the liquor store and buy a case of -- three cases of champagne! Sure, I'll just limp on down there.
Don't limp, Brett! Run! We're having a wedding in a few short minutes! And it's a win-win.
Plus it vibrates.
Okay, bride and groom, check.
Bridesmaids, check.
Best man -- Well, best available.
Oh for -- name one, name one friend of yours.
Shut up.
Ray, don't you have like, a priest outfit, or? No, I wore it to Fetish Night at The Snug, and it's covered in -- Okay! Ugh.
Red wine, ass.
And who gives this woman to be wed in holy matrimony? I do! And no mother of the groom, so -- Yes! Right here! Mother! You came! Phrasing, boom! Ahem.
Inappropriate.
Alrighty! So unless anyone - besides Mommie Dearest - objects to this union -- Uh, I think other Barry might.
Wh-? Barry?! Yeah, and I brought bubbly! You.
.
.
Mudak! Whoa! You kiss your mother-board with that mouth? And also, is anybody gonna ask how and why I knew to show up here? Is? Okay, I'll bite.
By tracking the satellite signal from Katya's internal hard drive, which Doctor Dipshit over there, bought from the KGB! Wh-?! Krieger! - Yeah, but the savings - Like, eighty bucks you saved.
But nobody's gonna save you, Archer.
Don't you have that backwards?! Archer don't! Everybody down.
Why do I always forget you're -- ungh! Darlink! - Really super-strong - Yeah, walk that off while I kill your girlfriend again.
Then we do the dance.
Actually, I don't think I'm in any shape to dance, right now Barry.
The dance of death, idiot.
But first let's me and you cut a rug.
How you say come et me, bro.
Rrrrrraaarrrrgh! Ow.
Is thet the best you got? Ungh! Obviously not.
But this is -- oof! Katyaaa! Jesus somebody, a little help?! We are if you'd shut up! It's pound! That is pound! Pound six, pound five two! I'm confused, what're we -- Here! Still confused.
Ray, now! Oh.
Their CPU's are powered by photovoltaic cells! Without exposure to a light-source they'll slowly lose power! Like vampires? I -- no, nothing like vampires, idiot! Well I'm sorry, Ira Flatow! From Newton's Apple.
Will you shut up?! If Barry gets weak enough, maybe you can overpower him! I was just gonna say that! Move! Sterling, be careful! Shut up.
Pam! - It'll spoil - God damn it.
Barryyyyy! Polo! Will you shut up?! Polo.
Beset, on all sides, by idiots Brett?! I thought you were dead! No, just hurt really really badly.
Although not nearly as badly as I am now.
You better not be bleeding on my carpet! No, pretty sure I'm all out of blood.
Well serves you right, for -- Oh Barry, - I am coming for you - Phrasing, boom.
Brett! Polo! And after I kill you, and defile your cyborg-y corpse, I'm gonna -- wh-?! Oh for shit's sake! Really?! Woooooo! Darlink, I ken explen! Ray, turn the lights on! Archer no, the photovoltaics! Turn on the goddamn lights! Gaaaagh! Why do I always forget that?! And how can you explain that?! What were they, having sex?! Think so, yeah.
Called it! As we fought, it became more like, like dancing.
Bone dancing! Shut up! Katya, how could you do this? I'm sorry I hurt you, but I realized thet even though you tried to see past what I em, Barry and I are the same.
Inside and out.
Except her insides vibrate.
Rrrragh! Ka- Always with the forgetting We are like two mermaids.
We will swim together.
So, I won't ask you to forgive me But could you at least be happy for me? Because I have finally found a soulmate.
No.
Or whatever Yes.
Yes.
Thank you, darling.
You will always have a special place in my Well, I guess my C-drive.
Well, other Barry and I are in her other special place.
Which, again, vibrates.
Later, tator.
Well, mother, go ahead and say it.
Oh, Sterling.
You just had your heart broken.
And you don't need a smug "I told you so" from me.
And smug it would be, because tell you I most certainly did.
Just like that Electrolux all over again.
So - I know that sucked - Vacuum cleaner ponds? Now? Really? No idea thankfully about any of that, but if you really did love Katya you gotta be happy that she's happy.
Yeah She did look pretty happy, huh?