Batman (1966) s03e08 Episode Script

Gotham City on a fresh new day which may be fraught with fresh new danger.
Olga, wait for me! Olga! Olga, wait for me! Olga! Giddyap.
The Bessarovian Cossacks and Egghead.
But that street leads directly to police headquarters.
Have they gone mad? Bonnie, where is that sandwich I ordered? It just arrived, Commissioner Gordon.
I'll send the delivery boy in.
Thank you.
Oh, oh.
Thank you, thank you.
Here's a little something for you.
Thank you, sir.
You're very welcome.
Wait a minute.
What's going on? I ordered a roast beef sandwich.
- This is a poached egg sandwich.
-You don't say.
- Heh, heh, heh.
-Yes, I do say-- A poached egg sandwich? At your service, commissioner.
No, no, no, please.
No publicity.
I'm very shy, you know.
You'll find it more difficult to get out than in, Egghead.
Oh, I've already made arrangements for my eggs-it, commissioner.
You are taking short elevator ride with us.
You two will never get away with this.
Oh, really, commissioner, I wish someone would write you a new line.
That one is getting so tired.
Heh, heh.
Shall we? Unh.
Heh, heh.
There.
Up we go, me hearties.
Heh, heh.
Kidnapped? The commissioner's been kidnapped? Batgirl.
Thank heavens you're here.
But why are you here? Shall we say a hunch, Chief O'Hara? Some sixth sense that things aren't quite right in Gotham City.
Not only in Gotham City, but in this office.
- The commissioner has been kidnapped.
-Kidnapped? My fa-- Commissioner Gordon kidnapped? Somehow he managed to drop this note.
But it doesn't say much.
I was about to call his daughter Barbara.
But she'd likely worry herself to death.
Right, Chief O'Hara.
Don't call until we know the identities and demands of the kidnappers.
Kidnappers? Our fine police commissioner's been abducted, Batman.
Out of this very room.
Whoever could have done such a dastardly deed? Very likely our arch-foe, that eggs-arable Egghead.
And his conniving consort, Olga, queen of the Bessarovian Cossacks.
Egghead? Olga, queen of the Cossacks? Rumor has already reached our ear that those two evildoers have joined forces, and in this town.
That's why we're here.
And it's not surprising that they'd start in this office and with Commissioner Gordon.
You're not surprised? What other public personage could demand more respect or be held for a bigger ransom? Gosh, yes.
Egghead knows he can ask for the moon and get it.
And if he doesn't get it, what will happen to Commissioner Gordon? First things first, Batgirl.
I know how Egghead operates.
He finds the telephone irresistible.
In fact, this one should be ringing momentarily.
- Hey! Hey! - Can't you make those wild men of yours quiet down? - Is victory celebration, Eggski.
-I know.
But I've gotta telephone police headquarters and tell them about our ransom.
- Is more important ransom than victory dance.
-Yes.
Stop the music.
That must be Egghead's call.
May I take it? - There's no one else in Gotham City who can.
-Commissioner Gordon's office.
Oh, my, my, how your voice has changed, commissioner.
Never mind the bad jokes.
I know you have Commissioner Gordon.
Oh, do you now, Batman? And do you also know what we want in eggs-change for the dear commissioner's life? What is the ransom? Just 10 cents, Batman.
One thin dime for every egg eaten in Gotham City.
- It's sort of an egg-cise tax, Batman.
- Well, that's unfeasible.
Hundreds of thousands of eggs are consumed in Gotham City.
- There's no way to keep track of them.
-Oh, yes, there is, Batman.
The entire Gotham City police force will be mobilized as egg counters and tax collectors.
They will make it their business to count every egg that is consumed within the city limits and to collect my egg tax on each one.
Otherwise, we'll mail the commissioner back to you in a box.
A pine box.
We have no choice.
The egg tax will be collected.
See that it is, Batman.
And remember, I'll be making spot checks myself.
If every egg isn't counted and paid for it's goodbye, Gordon.
Heh, heh.
Clear? Quite clear.
A 10-cent tax on every egg eaten in Gotham City.
Holy eggshells.
In a few days, that would add up to millions.
Couldn't we ask the people of Gotham City to stop eating eggs? Wait a minute, Robin.
If egg consumption in Gotham City were to suddenly decline Egghead might take revenge by harming Commissioner Gordon.
Batgirl is right.
We'll have to pay the egg tax until we locate and rescue Commissioner Gordon.
And I'm afraid the onerous job of collecting that tax is yours, Chief O'Hara.
I'll take care of all that, Batman so you can concentrate on locating those scoundrels.
I have a plan.
It's a long shot, but it just might work.
I, too, have a plan, Batman.
I suggest we attack the problem separately.
With two approaches we have a better chance of locating them.
-I hope you're right, Batgirl.
Hello, chief.
The usual? Right, Gilligan.
A large milk and a hot pastrami.
Never mind the pastrami.
Chief O'Hara would like half a dozen eggs.
- How do you like them, chief? -Why, you-- Now, one hand on me and you'll never see your dear commissioner again, chief.
You win, Egghead.
Now, how did you say you liked your eggs? - Scrambled.
-Hm.
Bring Chief O'Hara half a dozen-- No, make it a dozen scrambled eggs.
Chief, you want me to pounce this guy out of here? No, no, Gilligan.
He's a friend.
- Just bring the eggs.
-A dozen scrambled eggs? I'm feeling a bit hungry this morning, Gilligan.
Anything you say.
I had to pretend to be cool and objective when it was my very own father who'd been kidnapped.
I understand how difficult it must have been for you.
- Is there anything I can do? -Yes, that's why I asked you to come here.
You're the only person in Gotham City who can help me.
I'll gladly give you any assistance I can, Ms.
Gordon-- Batgirl, I should say.
You have some plan to locate your father? Well, it's only a remote possibility, but at least it's better than nothing.
My father uses a very rare brand of aftershave lotion called Wellington Number Four.
It's imported from Sumatra.
I know the brand.
A former employer of mine, the Earl of Chutney, used to use it.
If I remember correctly, its ingredients contain a small amount of curry root which gives it a very pungent aroma, quite unlike any other aftershave lotion.
Yes, the aroma is unmistakable.
I think I guess your plan.
But shouldn't we enlist the aid of others? No.
Now, think for a moment, Alfred.
How would Batgirl know such an intimate fact about Commissioner Gordon, unless, of course? I see your point.
But surely Batman and Robin could-- No, no, not them either.
My effectiveness as a crime-fighter depends on keeping my identity a secret.
And now more than ever, I need that effectiveness.
You're right.
But I'm afraid it won't be so easy for just the two of us to traverse the whole of Gotham City trying to locate the aroma of a particular aftershave lotion.
You're right, Alfred.
It's a hopeless task.
So I suggest we begin at once.
Oh, thank you, Alfred.
I would like to be of help, Batman but I have no knowledge of the whereabouts of Olga and her Cossacks.
She'd hardly communicate with the embassy since the Cossacks have been at war with the legitimate government of Bessarovia for many centuries.
I'm aware of that, Mr.
Ambassador.
We didn't come here for information, but for help of another kind.
By all means, Batman.
Believe me, the government of Bessarovia would like to see this woman apprehended as much as you would.
Good.
It's my suspicion that Olga and her Cossacks may show up here any time.
Here? But why should they--? Of course.
- The brass samovar of Genghis Khan.
-Exactly.
The brass samovar of Genghis Khan.
Why is it so important? It's a symbol of power, Robin.
Like the Stone of Scone to the Scots.
Traditionally, anyone who possesses the brass samovar of Genghis Khan is the legitimate ruler of Bessarovia.
- What's it doing here, then? -My government sent it for safekeeping since certain opposition parties in my country were planning to steal it.
- And you think Olga will try to steal it? -it may be part of the overall plan.
First the abduction of Commissioner Gordon, and the egg tax.
Now this samovar.
A priceless target.
The Cossacks have tried to steal the samovar many times before.
With your help, Mr.
Ambassador, we may make this theft Olga's last.
Just tell me what you want me to do, Batman.
NARRATOR".
As night falls, the Bessarovian Embassy has other visitors.
There is prize.
Brass samovar of Genghis Khan symbol of Bessarovian power at last is coming to rightful possessor.
Quicklymy Cossacks.
Hey! Now, now is proof I am imperial queen of Cossacks.
Only queen is entitled to brass samovar.
Push.
Push,push,push.
And be careful you don't scratch my beautiful samovar or I will slice you to shreds.
Push, push, push, Cossacks.
Push,push.
NARRATOR".
The Cossacks and Olga take the samovar back to their hideout where it joins other collectors' items.
There's the commissioner, Batman.
I think he's trying to tell us something, Robin.
Welcome, malen'kiy Batushka.
Put the little mal'chik in cage with old commissioner.
And drag handsome to throne.
What's this? You've captured the Caped Crusaders? Olga, you eggs-quisite diabolical genius.
- But of course.
-Yes.
How did you do it? - By underhand trick, what else? -Yes.
Aha.
Malen'kiy Batushka is waking.
Handsome.
Oh, no troubles, Batushka or we are making shashlik out of little mal'chik and old commissioner.
Yes, much better, Batushka.
You would like to know perhaps how you are being tricked, huh? Orloff.
Your Highness.
So you gave us away as a traitor to your country.
Who is traitor? I am Bessarovian Cossack from little boy.
ls true.
Omar is famous magnificent Bessarovian chef.
Thank you, Highness.
And now I am making greatest Bessarovian borscht of my career.
With special ingredients.
No, I object.
Well, you think cooking in borscht is too cruel, Eggski? No, don't be ridiculous, Olga.
It's just that I'd like to kill them now.
They're too tricky to play around with.
Believe me, I know them.
Now that we've got them, let's eggs-terminate them.
Who is "we"? I caught them.
Besides, I may decide not to cook malen'kiy Batushka.
Don't tell me that you're falling for this cowled clown? Maybe.
Maybe not.
- We are seeing.
-But you are engaged to me.
How dare you two-time me? And especially with this caped creep.
How dare you tell me what to do? Me, Olga, queen of Bessarovian Cossacks.
Olga Shmolga.
You'd still be washing dishes in that run-down Bessarovian restaurant if it wasn't for me.
Be careful.
Old Cossack proverb: "Open mouth is leading quickly to open grave.
" And don't give me any of your Cossack proverbs either.
I say kill him now or I'll-- So much for big-mouth.
Now we can have malen'kiy talk, eh, Batushka? You find me attractive little, huh? I'd find you much more attractive if you were on the right side of the law, Olga.
- This kind of life can only lead to trouble.
-Heh, heh.
Is better making love than sermons, Batushka.
Otherwise you are going into pot with others.
A little kiss maybe? A little kiss not maybe.
Maybe I give you little kiss.
Hm? The great Bessarovian borscht of my career.
Beautiful, beautiful.
Step right in there.
This will be beautiful, beautiful.
Ha, ha.
Oh, very nice.
Well, you are no longer in Bessarovia, Olga.
In this country, the standards are different.
You should abide by our customs, not yours.
On contrary I am considering this place malen'kiy piece of Bessarovia.
Here, we are following my customs.
And my customs are requiring wedding borscht made from captured prisoners.
- Wedding borscht? -Of course, Batushka.
But I thought you were engaged to marry Egghead.
I am marrying both of you.
Cossack queen is permitted up to six husbands.
Oh, but do not worry, Batushka.
You will always be number one in my heart.
Batgirl, this is Alfred.
I have just detected the unmistakable aroma of Wellington Number Four.
Where are you, Alfred? In front of a warehouse at number 12 Bannister Street.
- I'll be right there.
-Good.
It's unmistakable, Alfred.
Wellington Number Four coming from inside this warehouse.
Oh, you can't go in alone, Batgirl.
If nothing else, I'll go in with you and provide a diversion.
No, Alfred, I would never forgive myself if you got hurt.
Now, you must stay here.
Soon you are both becoming my husbands.
Well, it's worth playing second fiddle just to see Batman married.
'Batgirl! 'Batgirl? Batgirl.
They need help.
They can't handle all those Cossacks alone.
You are both staying right here in pot.
- Here.
-What? Alfred, Bruce Wayne's butler.
What are you--? No time to explain now, commissioner.
- There we go.
-Thank you, Alfred.
I'm with you, Batman.
Oh, help me, Eggski.
You must do something.
My Cossacks are falling like vodka bottles.
So you admit you need my help, eh, Olga? - Bygones be bygones.
-All right, come over here.
I've been saving this little surprise for just such an eggs-igency.
Heh, heh.
Yes, these hens have been fed a straight diet of onions for the past six months.
Onions? What is from these onions? You just wait a minute, my dear, and you'll see.
Out of my way.
All right, Egghead, your turn has come to-- Unh! What--'? I-- Have a good cry, Batman.
You'll need it.
Oh! Oh! Yes.
You'll discover that kidnapping police commissioners is-- - Are you all right, Batman? -Yes, commissioner.
But I'm afraid they've escaped.
And Egghead used a particularly powerful form of tear gas.
Holy crying towels, Batman.
- This stuff is terrible.
-I know.
At least you're safe, Commissioner Gordon.
Yes, Batgirl, but is Gotham City safe? I'm afraid Gotham City won't be safe until those Cossacks are behind bars.
NARRATOR".
How right he is.
Gotham City faces disaster with Egghead, Olga and the Cossacks on the loose.
When and how will it end? Will it end? Maybe we'll get an inkling in our next episode.