Bizaardvark (2016) s03e08 Episode Script

1 Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Hey guys! I'm Paige.
- I'm Frankie.
- BOTH: And we're Bizaardvark.
Today we're posting a ton of videos for a special Bizaardvark Holiday Video Sketchtacular! Consider it our present to you.
Seriously, we did not get you anything else.
You're welcome.
Now, let's curl up by the fire, and enjoy the show.
Ahh.
That's the stuff.
Hey! Hey! ANNOUNCER: It's time for the holiday edition of everyone's favorite game show Is Bernie Allowed to Open It? (canned laughter) And now, back for another year, and coming off her shocking innocent verdict your host Grandma! (applause) That's enough! (applause, music stops) Welcome to "Is Bernie Allowed to Open It?!", where contestants are shown various presents, and have to guess whether it's safe for Bernie to play with them.
Let's meet our contestants.
- Today we have Amelia.
- (applause) GRANDMA: Willow.
And Zane and Rodney, who, for some reason, are playing the game as one contestant.
And now, he's my grandson who still needs four night lights to get to sleep BERNIE: (yelling out) Three if it's still sunny out! Bernard Miriam Schotz! (applause) Let's start the show! Our first present is a toy train.
AUDIENCE: Oooh.
It's for ages five and up, and when you press the smiley face, it says, "Choo Choo.
I love you.
" Is.
Bernie.
Allowed.
To open it? (buzzer) Let's see those answers.
We wrote "yes.
" I played with that toy when I was three.
I also said "yes.
" The box literally says, "This Can't Hurt Children.
" I'm a hard "no.
" Any toy that talks will give Bernie nightmares.
Bernard what's the answer? Nope.
When they talk, I think they're real, - what can I do? - (applause) (bell dings) Our next present is a candy cane.
AUDIENCE AND CONTESTANTS: Oooh.
Is Bernie allowed to open it? (buzzer) Let's see your answers.
We wrote "yes.
" - Do we get candy canes now? - No.
- Willow? - I went "no" on this one.
It has two pointy sides, but for some reason, the curvy part also feels dangerous.
I said "no.
" I once saw Bernie eat a lollipop and break his ankle.
The irony is, the doctor gave me another lollipop! (bell dings twice) (another bell dings) Oh, that bell means it's our last present.
- It's a baby's pillow.
- AUDIENCE: Oooh.
This is simply a pillow made to help a baby sleep.
Is.
Bernie.
Allowed.
To open it? - Does it have a zipper? - Nope.
Is it a baby-sized pillow, or a pillow for babies? - Both.
- Pillow rhymes with Willow.
Noted.
(buzzer) Let's see those answers.
We went "yes.
" It does rhyme with Willow! I also said "yes.
" It's a pillow.
For a baby.
Uh I want to say no, but I just don't see how it could hurt him.
So, I guess my answer is "yes.
" Bernard, what's the answer? (audience and contestants gasp) Wait, what? A "yes?" We've never seen that before.
The judges are saying it's correct.
Bernard, it's true! You can open it! - (audience cheers) - I can?! Oh my gosh! I've never opened a present before in my life! This is so exciting! I can't wait to use it GRANDMA: He's gonna be all right, folks.
He's gonna make it! See you all next time on GRANDMA AND CONTESTANTS: Is Bernie Allowed to I didn't tell everyone to talk! Happy Holidays.
GRANDMA: Auditions for The Vuuugle House Holiday Pageant.
Role of Santa Claus.
Santa! No? Good, I'm sweating.
Hi, I'm Sally Claus.
There's no reason Santa can't be a woman.
Why does Christmas have to be patriarchal? They told me this was for the part of the dreidel No? Instead of following the script, I wrote my own story.
Once upon a time, Santa traveled to a magical gumdrop forest.
And then Nope.
This Santa doesn't wrap gifts, he raps rhymes! (beatboxing) (rapping) My name is Santa, and I'm here to say (in a pirate voice) Arrrr, matey! Presents ahead! GRANDMA: What are you doing? It's a choice.
My Santa's a pirate.
Savage, right? GRANDMA: No.
PAIGE: Happy Holidays, thank you for shopping at Benny's Department Store.
I'm Cheryl, she's Delores.
- I'm Delores! - We wrap your gifts, 'cause you're too lazy to.
- I'm joking! - She's joking.
I wasn't joking.
(shrill) Paper! Socks? You're giving your kid socks? Cheryl, she's buying her kid socks.
- Oy.
- (both snore) BOTH: I'm up! Sorry! Your gift bored us to death.
Your kid's gonna hate these.
Tape! Beautiful.
She probably had to go to the bathroom.
Oh, you know, I have this cousin, who I swear has the bladder of a hamster.
Hey! Next time you're buyin' a gift, make it nice and put it in the toy drive bin for the kids! Giving is living! - Ooh, holiday rhyme, I like it.
- I do things.
Oh itchy wool sweater.
What kid wouldn't want one of these? - I can't wear wool.
- I can't either, I break out in hives.
(grumbling) I can't even touch this thing! I feel like I can't breathe! I feel like I'm dying! Get it away from me! Get it away from me! Trust us, no one wants that.
My son will look adorable in this.
- No he won't.
- Nobody could.
Unless your son is Chris Pratt.
Is your son Chris Pratt? I don't appreciate being talked to this way.
Her son isn't Chris Pratt.
Manager! Is there a manager here? This better be good.
I was watching my judge shows! These women were being very rude and insulted the sweater I'm buying.
Is it wool? PAIGE AND FRANKIE: It is.
Don't get me started on wool.
No one needs it, no one wants it.
The last wool sweater I had, I ran over with my car on purpose! But the customer's always right.
Paper! Tape! Gum! - That'll be $10,000.
- She's joking! - I'm jokin'! - She's joking! No, I'm chokin'! I inhaled some of the wool from that sweater! (coughing) ANNOUNCER: And now, another installment of "Zane and Rodney Explain the Holidays Wrong.
" Oh, hello.
People always ask: Why is Santa's last name Claus? It's because his hands have claws on them.
It's true.
He's half polar bear.
ANNOUNCER: This has been another installment of "Zane and Rodney Explain the Holidays Wrong.
" Lou Scoopmaker here with breaking news! There are aliens, I repeat, aliens flying in the sky.
They have sharp horns, they're flying in pairs.
One of them has a red laser on its nose Wait, what? I'm being told that they're reindeer.
And it's Christmas.
Which I knew, because I'm invited to many holiday parties.
Did they buy that? Do they know I'm not invited to any parties? Oh, we're still rolling? GRANDMA: Auditions for The Vuuugle House Holiday Pageant.
Role of Christmas Tree.
What'd you call a reindeer who's a jerk? Rude-olph.
This thing on? The tree? You want me to be the tree?! Wait, shouldn't a tree play the tree? There are so few roles for trees these days.
I don't want to take that away from a deserving pine.
We're still not doing the dreidel thing? (in an Australian accent) I'm not a Christmas tree, mate.
I'm an Australian Ironwood tree.
And if you didn't know, that's the strongest type of tree in the world.
Suns out, trunks out! (rapping) I'm a Christmas tree, and I'm here to say and then the Gingerbread Knight told Santa he was going to the enchanted ladybug garden.
And then Nope.
Do you have a holiday grievance? Have you been involuntarily exposed to cheer and/or merriment? Well, here at the law offices of Deveene and DeVine - (quickly) DeVine and Deveene.
- We can help! As you may have heard, due to a brief, but still ongoing lawsuit, we are no longer allowed in courtrooms.
- Or parks.
- And we've been reduced to settling minor holiday issues.
But that's okay, because we'll help you put the "yay" back in "holid-yay.
" We were all hanging out, having a great time decorating the tree.
But when I decided to take a well deserved nap I woke up with this! Candy canes stuck in my hair! I'm gonna look so dumb in all the holiday pictures.
Can you help me, Deveene and DeVine? (quickly) DeVine and Deveene.
Yes, we can.
We'll work around the clock to get your holiday case closed! No, case not closed! I still have candy canes in my No, thank you! Because here at the law offices of Smarty Pants and Dumb Dumb (quickly) Dumb Dumb and Smarty Pants.
We're here to holiday help! (Frankie speaking) Ooh, I can't wait to see what I got for Christmas! I got the Amelia Doll! Just what I asked for.
Thank you, Santa! BERNIE: (in a Dad voice) Tabitha, time for Christmas breakfast! Coming, Daddy! I'll play with you after breakfast.
We're having chocolate chip pancakes, which are my favorite, 'cause I'm six.
(squealing) Oh goodie! I finally have a home! I got a new haircut, a fancy outfit, I have eight toes, which is normal for a doll.
(sighs) This is a great time to be me! PAIGE: (in a raspy voice) I wouldn't be so sure about that.
Who are you? I'm a Paige Doll.
I was Tabitha's Christmas present last year.
Why do you look like that? Are you some kind of filthy, action hero doll? (scoffs) You newbies are so clueless! I was a fashion doll like you.
I had perfect hair, fancy dress, and two eyes that blinked when they sensed motion.
Well, they must have discontinued your model, because you look like a horrible monster.
No offense.
I'm not the monster.
Tabitha is.
That's ridiculous.
Tabitha is a sweet six year old girl who loves chocolate chip pancakes and Christmas.
Tabitha is a demented torturer who likes ripping out eyes, cutting hair, and drawing on faces with markers.
You should run, Dolly.
Run while you still have legs! Pfft, please.
You're just an old doll who's bitter because Tabitha doesn't play with you anymore.
I'm an Amelia Doll.
I'm shiny and perfect, and Tabitha is gonna love me forever! Ah! (jingle bells) Yay! A teddy bear! I'll play with you after breakfast.
We're having eggs hollandaise, which are my favorite, because I'm seven now, and super mature.
Oh goodie! I finally found a new home! I've got fresh fur, clean paws, and jacked triceps, 'cause that's normal for a bear.
It's a great time to be me! AMELIA: (in a raspy voice) I wouldn't be so sure about that Who said that? She did.
She used to be an Amelia doll.
Welcome to the shelf, rook.
This time next year, there's gonna be bear stuffing everywhere.
(laughs) High five.
This just in! Tiny masked thieves have been spotted carrying wrapped packages into people's homes.
Anyone with eyes on these criminals should call law enforcement Wait, what? Seriously? It appears those are elves.
Employed by the very reputable Mr.
Claus.
Sorry, Santa! Please come to my house this year.
Mommy says I've been a good boy.
I'll make snickerdoodles.
ANNOUNCER: This trailer has been rated "HG.
" "Hair Guidance Suggested.
" (announcer speaking) Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! ANNOUNCER: But this winter, there's a new Santa in town.
And this Santa don't need no magic gift bag! Yo! Yo! Yo! Hairy Christmas! What what what what what's in m' hair? Presents! (drumroll) (announcer speaking) What what what what what's in m' hair? Hey! What do you think you're doing? Christmas is my turf, punk.
Back off, Claus.
Or I'll introduce you to my friends.
Milk and cookies.
Ohh, it is Ho-Ho-Go time! Bring it, Santa! (both yelling) ANNOUNCER: This is a bad movie, don't see it.
GRANDMA: Auditions for The Vuuugle House Holiday Pageant.
Role of Hanukkah Dreidel.
Wait, so all I do is spin around and round and round, and I have the power to decide who gets chocolate and who doesn't? Oh, I want this.
Wheeeee! And then, all the fairies flew to the majestic butterfly kingdom.
And then they all died.
The end.
Wait, it's now? I gotta get my dreidel costume back from the cleaner's! I'm getting the sense you don't appreciate my rapping, so I'm gonna switch genres.
Aaaaaave M' dreeeeeidel Wheeee! (Australian pirate accent) Shiver me timbers and happy Hanukkah.
I'm an Australian pirate dreidel.
Oy vey.
Argh! It's good, right? - Do you have this in pink? - GRANDMA: We do not.
Then, nope.
Okay, I'm ready.
Too late, I already got the part.
Whee! ANNOUNCER: And now, another installment of "Zane and Rodney Explain the Holidays Wrong.
" Here's a fun fact.
Mistletoe got its name because Santa's toes are made of missiles.
And that's how he defended the North Pole in the Great Reindeer Battle of 1986.
ANNOUNCER: This has been another installment of "Zane and Rodney Explain the Holidays Wrong.
" Hey! Hey! Okay, Bernard, it's 8 P.
M.
on New Year's Eve, you know what that means.
(sighs) I'm already an hour past my bed time.
Oh well.
Have fun staying up until midnight, everyone.
Grandma, Bernie's been really good this year.
Do you think he could stay up until midnight with us? Yeah! Also, he's going to college soon.
I don't know You've never stayed up that late before.
Do you think you'd even make it to midnight without falling asleep? Absolutely.
I took two naps today, and drank a ton of juice.
Again college in, like, two years.
Okay, Bernard.
For the first time ever, you can stay up until midnight.
- ALL: Hooray! - (cheering and clapping) It's almost midnight! How ya feeling, Bernie? (yawns) A little tired, but in five minutes I will see midnight on New Year's! I just wish that clock wasn't moving so slow.
Oh dear.
Am I moving too slow? Please, accept my sincerest apologies.
I'll just move my hands to midnight and (gasps) Whoopsie! Now I'm further away from midnight! How did that happen? Oh right.
Because I control time! Come on, Clock! This is a big night for me.
I've never seen midnight before.
You've never seen midnight? Boohoo! Life is meaningless and empty! Come on, Clock, it's a holiday.
FRANKIE: Oh, it's a holiday? Were you planning on playing games and laughing, and dancing like this?! Ha cha, watch my hands change time I hate the holidays and all of you! - What's happening? - It's a call back! Come on, clock, can't you just make it midnight already?! Why are you doing this to me? Why? Perhaps it's because no matter how important time is, no one ever invites the clock to a holiday party.
I'm always here, on this wall alone.
(cries) Hey, Evil Clock? (through tears) Yes? We have an idea.
ALL: Five, four, three, two, one ALL: Happy New Year! (cheering) (snoring) - Aww, Bernie missed it.
- FRANKIE: Oh well.
Thank you for the invite, friends.
I'm having the time of my life! It's funny, 'cause she's a clock.
Do you still have unresolved holiday grievances? Has someone stolen all your carrots, and used them as snowman noses? Are you tired of holiday lawyers only focusin' on the winter holidays? Well, here, at the law offices of Duckworth and Duckworth (quickly) Duckworth and Duckworth.
We'll cover all the other holidays.
Groundhog didn't see his shadow? We'll sue him.
Easter Bunny hide the eggs too well? We'll sue him.
Fourth of July fireworks too loud for you? That's your problem.
Why do you hate America? No holiday is too small.
Except Arbor Day.
What is that? So call Duckworth and Duckworth, (quick) Duckworth and Duckworth.
And we'll sue BOTH: For you! (Willow speaking) Hey, do you guys wanna sing the "12 days of Christmas" but as the "12 days of Vuuugle?" (groaning) Paige, that song takes for-ever to sing.
Nah, c'mon, it'll fly by.
I'll start.
(clears throat) On the first day of Vuuugle My Vuuuglers gave to me A song that's an hour or three! (everyone else groans) Paige, I really think On the second day of Vuuugle My Vuuuglers gave to me Frankie? Paige, c'mon, we have lives.
ALL: Yeah Why can't we just do the song one time, starting at "twelve," and then go all the way down? I mean, I don't think anyone wants to rush the ALL: Yes, we do! All right, but we're gonna do it my way with a little bit of holiday magic.
On the twelfth day of Vuuugle My Vuuuglers gave to me Twelve "This is happenings" Eleven Grandma's punchin' Ten finger puppets Nine muscles flexing Nine aw, Lou, you were eight! Seven skips a skipping Six unboxed boxes Uh okay.
Four it's me again Three hey y'alls Two still too longs ALL: And a song from our Vuuugle family! - (cheering and clapping) - PAIGE: Yeah! PAIGE: That's how you holiday, everyone! - All right, back to twelve! - ALL: No! PAIGE: Thank you so much for watching ALL: (out of sync) Bizaardvark's Holiday Video Sketchtacular! I'd say we didn't rehearse that, but uh we did.
Like 20 times.
Anyway, from your friends at the Vuuugle House ALL: (out of sync) Happy Holidays! Whatever, good enough.
Alert, alert! Burglars dressed in all black have entered the Malibu Action News building (chuckles) Nope.
No, I'm not falling for that one.
It's Christmas, I get it.
But you're not gonna make a fool out of Lou Scoopmaker this time! Well, that's all for this handsome news anchor.
From all of us here at Malibu Action News, to all of our viewers out there Merry Christmas to all, and to all a nood gight.
Aw, Lou, you almost had it! Why is it cold in here?