Black-ish (2014) s03e08 Episode Script

1 Rainbow: Here's the thing about having a big family Every day, there's something surprising.
Some surprises are good Look! I'm off the no-fly list.
Some surprises are not so good Look, a Saudi prince I met on Instagram wants to pay me to model.
And some surprises aren't all that surprising - Look, I got a "C.
" - That's a "D," baby.
And some surprises you don't see coming at all.
- Mom, Dad - Mm.
Mm? I'd like you to meet Megan, my girlfriend.
- [Gasps.]
- Hmm.
[Quincy Jones' "Ironside" plays.]
Ah.
Megan.
[Laughs.]
I mean, at all.
Megan.
[Crying.]
- Hey.
Everything okay? - Hey.
- Yeah, everything's great.
- Okay.
Then why are you chopping onions like a crazy person to mask your tears? - I don't do that.
- Ooh, onions.
Why are you masking your tears? Does this have anything to do with Junior's new girlfriend? What? Junior has a girlfriend? Wow.
What a twist.
Hold on.
Wait a minute.
Is it because she's white? - Dre, you're delusional.
- [Gasps.]
So you do see color! Dre, that's not who I am.
Or is it who you are? Please let it be who you are.
Look, this is something that we could do together - as we grow old.
- Ew.
You know, some couples, they have golf? We can mistrust white people together.
[Gasps.]
This could save our marriage.
Oh, I'm getting so emotional.
I think we should really focus on Junior here.
This is a huge moment.
It should be celebrated.
I mean, wildly, joyously, ferociously celebrated.
I'm trying to say he is not an easy sell.
He wears a cape.
Hey! Do not talk about my son's cape, okay? You are a grown man with bangs.
These are tendrils.
All right, look.
Corbin Blue is right.
We should be celebrating this.
Okay, well, unlike you, Dre, I'm not just gonna celebrate any girl that Junior brings home.
What if she's mean? What if she's dumb? What if they don't have anything in common? [Sniffs.]
Mmm.
- Ah.
- Megan.
How'd you two meet? I was actually coming down the hall when I noticed him.
A couple of freshmen were trying to take his backpack.
You should have seen Megan confront those girls.
She was amazing.
Well, I mean, Megan's amazing at everything, so Oh, tell them about Brown.
- Oh.
- Oh, stop it.
Well, I actually got early acceptance to go to Brown.
Just like you, Mrs.
Johnson.
Well, not just like me I was wait-listed.
So Junior: Isn't she great? - Oh! - [Both laugh.]
It's because she's white.
Oh, God.
Hey.
How's my favorite twin brother and sister? What do you want? What? I can't come in here to visit? I'm gonna ask you this one more time, and then I'm gonna scream.
What do you want? Money? An alibi? Clean urine? - I don't know why we can't - [Screams.]
Okay, fine.
I need some extra credit for my interior design class.
Mm-hmm.
And Mom gave me a small budget to redo your room.
I mean, it's tired, baby-ish.
Like the "J" and "D" on your wall.
You don't need a "J" to tell you where to sleep, Jack.
The "J" is for Jack? Guys, you need something a little bit more mature, something that doesn't say "I still wear Pull-Ups.
" I trusted you.
Wow, so you're boy - got himself a snowflake.
- Yep.
And he didn't even have to become a professional athlete.
Josh: Oh, hey, Dre-Dawg, maybe you can coach me.
I'm getting nowhere with this blonde hottie down at the gym, and I already used my best line.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought this was the men's room.
[Clicks tongue.]
I'm not allowed to go to that gym anymore.
You're gonna have to leave me out of this, all right? 'Cause Junior, he did this on his own.
My white-girl game is in shambles.
Why do you think I act so weird around Kelly from Microsoft? Thank you for coming.
I think we're gonna come up with something - you'll be very happy with.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you for coming so very much, milady.
- Thank you.
- [Chuckles.]
A curtsy? I wish we was in jail so I could shank you.
What did you expect, man? I grew up in an all-black neighborhood.
I went to an all-black college.
I never mastered the art of white women.
Stevens: It's not your fault, Dre.
White women are probably just scared of you.
- I know my wife is.
- White women aren't scared of me.
I can't keep them off me.
My friends, they call me "the bunny magnet.
" - Hm.
- Lord Snow.
White Walker.
Anglo-Saxon Jackson.
I think I might be a sell-out.
Right, now this is fascinating.
Now, Charles, let's pretend that I am a white woman walking through the produce section of Trader Joe's.
What do you say to get these pants off? Hmm.
I would start by telling you that Aspen got two inches of fresh powder last night.
- Oh.
- Really? Then I would ask you, how close are you to your father? - I love my father.
- Is it fake snow or real snow? Hey.
Hey! Why am I seeing so much of this and none of this? - Oh.
- Yeah, you guys need to get back to work on this Microsoft campaign or all of you will be this.
- [Groans.]
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
- So mad.
And that's why I keeps me some snow.
Junior: Hey, Mom? We'll see you later.
Megan's gonna take me to the part of the mall I've always been afraid to check out.
- [Both laugh.]
- Bye, Mrs.
Johnson.
Dr.
Johnson.
I'm a doctor.
Bye.
Oh, God.
I noticed your eyes look more haggard than usual.
I know those tears.
I've shed them a million times.
This is about that little Disney princess that just left with you son, isn't it? [Scoffs.]
No, Ruby, I-I have allergies.
It's a rite of passage for a mother to hate the girl her son is with.
The ember of hatred will grow into a wildfire.
And eventually, your one joy will be cutting a few subtle inches off her hair while she sleeps.
- What? - Huh? Okay.
Okay, Ruby, this is not about Junior just bringing home some girl, okay? It's it's about Junior bringing home someone who's [sighs.]
White.
- What? - I know.
How the hell can you be mad at that? You're a white.
I'm not a white I mean, white.
Eh have you been cutting my hair? A black woman would know.
Mnh-mnh.
Okay.
What Ruby's trying to say in her blissfully ignorant yet always-offensive way is that because my mother's black but my father's white, I'm somehow not really black.
Sadly, Rubeline's not the only one who thinks that's how it works.
It's complicated.
And it dates back to a time when slave-owners like Thomas Jefferson invited/ordered their slaves like Sally Hemings up to their chambers, which resulted in a bunch of folks like me they called mulattos.
Crazy offensive name, right? Well, crazier offensive origin, because the word "mulatto" derived from the Spanish word for mule.
But being mulatto had another side to it.
With a slave-owner daddy, you may have been one of the few slaves who learned to read, write, or even got your freedom.
Now of course this preferential treatment, created major friction between black people and mulattos.
This complicated relationship went on for generations.
But things started to change with the Civil Rights Movement, which encouraged biracial people to embrace their heritage.
Suddenly, being any kind of black was the new black.
One of the biggest wins of the movement was in 1967, when the Loving vs Virginia case abolished anti-miscegenation laws, legalizing interracial marriage.
Black and white people could finally get their interracial freak on without fear of imprisonment.
And by the early '90s, biracial births sky-rocketed by over 500%.
That's 500% more people with an identity crisis who don't even know what to call themselves and are always asking, "Where do I fit in?" You don't.
Accept it.
- Oh, come on.
- [Chuckles.]
Your problem is not with Junior's girlfriend.
It's with you.
You can't like her if you don't like yourself.
And you don't even know who you are.
- I know who I am, Ruby.
- Yeah.
I know exactly who I am.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
Ugh.
You will never believe what Ruby just said to me.
Oh, I'll believe anything that comes out of that woman's mouth.
Ruby: Mm.
We're not related, you know.
[Gulps.]
The scary thing is, I'm not entirely sure it's not gonna happen.
- You have a say in this.
- I'm not sure that I do.
Ugh, okay.
Anyway, Ruby actually said to me that the reason I don't love myself is because I don't know who I am.
Well, you have always had a bit of an identity issue.
How come there's not a box for both? Baby, you better check black.
It was confusing.
Didn't you ever struggle with which box to check? I mean, if you check one, you're denying a whole part of yourself.
Yeah, I had to do a lot of self-inventory before I discovered who I was and how to be proud of that.
- And who are you? - I'm mélange.
- Oh, my God, Johan.
- What? It's French for "mixed.
" What's French for "stab victim"? Look, say what you want.
Sounds like you need to do some self-inventory.
Hmm.
- Did you cut your hair? - [Footsteps approaching.]
Ruby: Ooh.
I dropped my book.
Somebody better take his shirt off and help me pick that up.
Mmm.
So, I've gathered a couple ideas for the remodel.
Oh.
Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, okay.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Hey! Can we have a frank conversation? - You seem out of your league.
- Yeah.
Strips and polka dots? We want a more mature look.
Mahogany, stainless steel, leather.
We want it to look like the VIP lounge at American Airlines.
I have $62.
Fine.
Delta Airlines.
- Okay, we'll put it all around.
- So, so so you mean to tell me that you have two John Mayer tickets on you at all times? At all times.
That is amazing.
Man, he isn't even touring right now.
Mm-hmm.
They tried to offer me Dave Matthews tickets, but I don't want a woman that white.
- I feel you.
- Mm.
That is going in the white-girl Bible, huh? Ooh, don't I look handsome? Uh, you want to know what I say to get white women? That's my jet.
- It's that simple? - Mm.
Okay.
So we got white chicks down, but what if I want to talk to a black woman? Whoa, whoa.
Wait, man.
I need help with Kelly, all right? Let's stay on track.
No, no, actually, let's not.
Uh, Charles, what is the safest way to talk to a sistah? Well, in my experience, I have found out that women of color actually love to be addressed by their color.
- "Hey, green eyes.
" - Dre: Mm.
Mm.
"What's up, purple jeans"? I see you, white French tips.
Okay.
Okay, let me try.
Let me try.
Uh, hey, red blood-shot eyes.
- Ooh.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Double barrel.
Did not like that.
So I've been thinking.
Oh, you mean taking self-inventory? Can you please take a break from being so pretentious? Your mother-in-law thinks it's cute.
You're playing with fire.
I know, but I can't help it.
There's something Okay.
That's gross.
Really, really gross.
Listen, you were right.
I've been confused most of my life.
Do you remember me in high school? I was, like, totally.
I mean, as if.
- Whatever.
- Whatever.
[Inhales sharply.]
Yeah, that was a bad time.
I couldn't help it, though.
I mean, that's who we grew up around.
Those were my friends.
Were they? [Laughs.]
You should, like, totally audition for the theater this year.
Oh, yeah.
We could really use some strong black actors.
- Oh.
Cool.
- You know? - Toodles.
- Toodles.
[Screams.]
Toto! Johan: A flying monkey? - Why did you agree to do it? - Admittedly, mistakes were made, but if you were in that situation, you just You overcompensate.
You do what you can - Hey, I get it.
- to fit in.
In college, with my black friends, I went in hella hard.
What up, y'all? Oh! Boom, boom, boom.
Ah.
It's "R" to the "A" to the "I" to the Rainbow! Wha-ooh! In hindsight, I wish I had just said hello.
So you leaned into a few dumb stereotypes to try and get people's approval.
Everybody does it.
Yeah, but not everybody is pulled into day-to-day situations where they're forced to pick a side.
Woman: We the jury in the above entitled action find the defendant Orenthal James Simpson not guilty of [Cheers.]
Oh, my God! Oh, my Oh, my God.
[Sighs.]
I'm so confused.
Oh, O.
J.
did it.
I meant, I can't believe I'm still asking myself these same questions after all these years.
Stop being so hard on yourself.
Okay, besides, I know who you are.
- You're "R" to the "A" to the "I" - Please don't do that.
Don't do that.
- I don't want to remember that.
- Hey, you remember? You were amazing.
[Laughs.]
Where's Ruby? - Oh, no.
- That is a good call.
That is not how you pick up a pack of Korean women.
First of all, a group of Korean women is called a raft.
Uh, actually, according to this, - a raft is a group of otters.
- Hm? You know what? It is.
It is.
It it really is.
We are screwed.
All right, either we focus up or we demand that Microsoft sends us somebody black.
It's just one white woman.
What are you afraid of, Dre? A man's spit game is like a comic's.
All right, some comics can cross over to all audiences, and some can't.
And I'm Steve Harvey.
My material only works on black women.
Really? Is that who his material works on? Don't you talk about Steve Harvey.
That man is a treasure.
He brought us four-button suits and brought back giant teeth and the man wig.
I will not hear it from you.
You watch your mouth.
That's a man wig? I totally thought it was real.
I had no idea.
Hey.
How's it coming, dumb-dumbs? - Uh - Oh, well, it turns out, a raft "How to holler at Mexican women"? What? "One remember, they love playing Sudoku.
" What the hell have y'all been doing in here? - Just trying to stay fresh.
- Otters.
- Mostly research.
- We kind of got sidetracked.
Sidetracked? Do you know how stupid this is? First of all, everybody knows the key to Mexican women is the same as it is for Mexican men Compliment their eyebrows and take them to Benihana.
- That's right.
- Benihana.
- Knives are flipping in the air.
- So much sense.
Okay.
Dre: All right.
Here you go, baby.
Made you a sandwich on gluten-free bread.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Why am I so bothered by Junior dating that girl? Dre, when I brought you home, my dad did not act this way.
He was very good to you.
He was.
I was not expecting that.
You know, he was the first white man to hug me.
[Laughs.]
What? - And the last white man I ever hugged.
- Hm.
But I got to give it up to your pops.
You know, he was friendly and chill from jump.
- He was probably high.
- He was definitely high.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
Good thing he didn't turn out to be a hater like you.
Hey.
Don't change.
Dre was right.
I was being a hater.
How was my dad so cool? And why was he always so high? - Bow-Bow girl! - Hi, Daddy.
Oh, my God.
That's Kelly.
Is today Thursday? Okay, guys, really, what do we actually have for the Microsoft presentation? Nothing.
We're not ready.
Oh, my God.
Okay, guys, we have got to wing it.
We cannot wing a presentation to Microsoft.
Man, you better ask for an extension.
I can't.
I spent the money on jet fuel.
- What? - Look, we're gonna be fine.
Everyone just remember what Snow J.
Pimpson taught you.
Charlie, what the hell are you talking Hi, guys.
How are you? - Hey.
- Hi.
[Irish accent.]
Top o' the morning to you lassie.
- Oh, for God's sakes.
- What the hell was that? I'm looking forward to hearing what you guys have for me today.
Yes, we have an amazing presentation.
This is for, as you know, the Microsoft Surface, which is a laptop, amazing, incredibly powerful machine.
- And, Josh, you pick it up.
- What? Uh, yes.
It has a screen.
And it comes with a pen, which does pen things.
Okay, Kelly, you know what? No more B.
S.
- Cards on the table.
- Mm-hmm.
We had an amazing presentation ready for you this morning, but then we got a bomb threat from the North Koreans.
- We lost power - Please stop.
Yep.
Okay.
I'm afraid this isn't gonna work, you guys.
[Normal voice.]
Hold on.
Wait wait a minute.
Um Yes, we stopped doing work for days, but that is what's great about the Surface, Kelly.
It allows you to do everything.
The Microsoft Surface It's what you work on even when you are not doing work.
Hm.
- Mm? - [Gasps.]
You've got to be kidding me.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Well, you know, I swung for the fences.
Listen, guys, if you're not gonna be able to focus, I'm gonna have to rethink this entire relationship.
- Whoa, whoa, Kelly.
- Please don't.
- I really think you're just - [Clears throat.]
John Mayer? Tonight? I didn't even know he was touring.
- Charlie: Pick you up at 8:00? - Can you make it 8:30? It was probably gonna be around that time anyway.
Let me walk you out.
[Chuckles.]
I think we gonna be fine.
So, how close are you to your father? Rainbow: [Gasps.]
Oh, my God.
Dad.
- What? - [Laughs.]
Okay, these are amazing.
- Awe, look how adorable I am here.
- That's your brother.
- It is? - Mm-hmm.
Oops.
Oh, God, we look so much alike.
So, Dad, I came out here 'cause I want to talk to you about something important.
Is is the fact that I live in a bus that runs on human waste? Nope.
I gave up on that battle a long time ago, Dad.
- Oh, oh, okay.
- I wanted to ask you a question.
Yeah.
Junior came home with a girlfriend, she's white, and it totally freaked me out.
- What?! - I know.
God, I know.
- I'm so ashamed of myself.
- Junior has a girlfriend? Did you have some kind of party for him? This should be celebrated Wildly, joyously.
Dad, did you hear what I said? - The kid wears capes.
- Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
No, Bow-Bow, I get it.
A mother often sees who her son's with - as a reflection of herself.
- Mm.
You're a black woman.
So Junior bringing home a white girl, it's making you feel a certain way.
- Dad.
- Mm? You see me as a black woman? Well, that's what you are, sweetie.
Yeah, but you're my dad and you are white and that's half of me.
Right? And I love that half of me.
So do I.
And nothing can change that.
But look at this.
Yeah.
- Remember this day? - Oh, yeah, I do.
All the awkward stares and comments from people who didn't think I was your father? Well, I knew then, way before you had a chance to decide for yourself, that the world had already made that choice for you.
You were black.
God, I struggled with that so much growing up.
But you did You got through it.
- Wow.
- Eventually, you met Dre.
You fell in love.
And you had that big, beautiful family of yours.
My big, beautiful, black family.
But now, because Junior likes a white girl, it feels like, uh a rejection.
- Exactly.
That's exactly it.
- Yeah.
Yeah, and it's making you second-guess the choices that you've made.
Here Here's the thing, love.
You know who you are.
I know who I am.
Thank you.
[Chuckles.]
So there it was.
I had to go back to my past to look at my future.
Thanks, Dad.
Ta-da! Well, what do you think of your new room? - It's nice.
- Nice? Yeah, it's just Something feels off.
Yeah.
What? It's everything you asked for.
Fashionable beds, accent pillows, privacy partition It's totally grown up The opposite of a baby room.
You're right.
Totally grown up.
Yeah, no more kid stuff.
You know what? There's actually one thing I forgot to add.
There it is.
Now I know which bed is mine.
I need that "J.
"