Bored to Death (2009) s03e08 Episode Script

I can't believe that you're my father.
You rip off insurance companies and you sold fraudulent sperm.
You're a con man.
First of all, that sperm was top-notch.
- Secondly, the preferred term is "grifter.
" - It doesn't matter.
Either way, you're on the other side of the law from me.
Listen, shamus, good guys always need bad guys just like sons always need fathers.
- Bullshit.
- You're living in a soft dream, kid.
It's the way the world works, cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, white people and coloreds.
Oh, my God, are you even Jewish or a member of Mensa? I'm Black Irish and a member of AAA.
Look, maybe it was a mistake to call you, but you and your sister came after me, remember'? - I thought this is what you wanted.
- About my sister, are you sure you were the only one who provided sperm to the sperm bank? You didn't have any friends help out? No, it was a solo operation.
It almost killed me.
I have a strong libido, but not that strong.
I went through cases of vitamin E.
- I have to go.
- What Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, kid.
Wait.
I'm sorry, I know I'm a disappointment to you, but for what it's worth, you seem like the kind of son a father could be proud of.
I mean, you're a little on the short side, but other than that, you have a lot going for you.
Kids! Oh, Ray.
What is going on? It's almost midnight.
Is Spencer home? Yeah, he's 14 months old.
Of course he's home.
- Just come Okay.
- Spencer! Come on in.
It's not good for a parent to put a lot of pressure on their kid, but you're all I've got, you know? You'll never let me down, right? No matter what, you'll still love me, right? I can't believe you used wood glue.
Well, when I get home, I'm going to yank out each hair as penance for your For your broken nose.
Like a hair shirt, but on my face.
As a matter of fact Ow! God! - That hurt.
- Oh, Dad.
Dad, stop it.
I forgive you.
I loved your song.
Oh, thank you.
- And Bernard forgives you.
- Yes, I do.
And I can't wait till Friday.
Oh, good.
What's Friday? City Hall! We're eloping, just the two of us.
Oh.
George, learn from your mistakes.
- No judging.
- No, sorry.
Sorry.
It's just Well, a father hopes he can see his daughter off, that's all.
Well, but you weren't at my first wedding.
Your first wedding? Don't feel left out, George.
My parents aren't coming.
Of course they're both dead, but they would have understood.
Right.
Well Hey, how about I throw you a beautiful wedding at George on Jane? Food and music, no alcohol.
I would love that.
- Oh, good.
- Ohhh! So When were you married before? It was during my S&M phase.
It wasn't legal.
Just a blood ritual, so I didn't tell you about it.
Oh, good, good, good.
- Was there a lot of blood? - Enough.
I can't believe you committed incest It's worse than my elder love.
- Did you wear a condom? - Yes! Yes.
Good, because you inbreeding is scary and weird enough as it is already.
Should I tell Rose? She's the first girl I've liked in a long time and I know what diseases we're genetically prone to, throat cancer and colitis.
Look, you have to break up with her immediately.
And I need all your attention now that Leah doesn't want to marry me.
- I'm so sorry about this, Ray.
- It's okay.
At least I have Spencer.
He'll meet all my emotional needs.
A bond between a father and son is - Is enough for me.
- Hey, don't rub it in.
Because of Bergeron, I slept with my sister.
I hate my biological father.
Listen, don't say that.
What if Spencer said that about me? You gotta give this creep a second chance.
But he's a crook and I'm a law man.
I don't care.
You have to go talk to this guy.
Because if you don't, it'll haunt you for the rest of your life.
Can you come with me to Coney Island to see him? I can't.
it's the year anniversary of Super Ray and I've got a signing at Bergen Street Comics.
Hold on.
Uh Hi.
What's going on? What did you learn about the sperm bank? Uh Nothing.
It was a red herring.
Another dead end.
- Damn.
- Hey, I'm with a really tormented friend who's having a lot of problems.
Can I call you back? Oh, okay.
Bye.
Who was that? - My beautiful sister.
- I knew it.
God! Look, if you can't break it off with her, at least wear condoms.
- This is Brooklyn after all.
- Yeah.
Josephine, I am so sorry I ran out on you last night.
Am 11 is my MO, even when I'm not stoned and playing Don Quixote.
It's a lousy MO.
I don't like it.
I tried to tell you this.
My relationships are like crimes.
I get in' I steal something and I leave.
What do you steal? Love.
I don't mean to.
It's what I do.
- I think I'm finally hearing you.
- No, no, but wait.
I'm saying this to you because I want to transform.
Josephine' I'm a 63-year-old work in progress.
But I am falling for you.
George.
You know, I think that we should take this to the next level.
I think we should be monogamous.
I thought we were.
Of course we are.
You are such a card.
Well, the prodigal son has returned.
I always wanted to say that.
It's a classic.
- Are you leaving? - Yeah, I'm headed for Jacksonville.
They've got a lot of syphilitic half-wits down there.
It's an easy place to score.
- Why are you going? Is it because of me? - No, no.
I I'm on the lam.
I got in bad with some groundskeepers.
Gambling problem.
So ifs serious with these groundskeepers? - Nothing I can't handle by running away.
- But No, I I came here to forgive you.
- I want to know my father.
- Damn.
Look, I'm in kind of a rush, but I got time maybe for one question.
What do you want to know? Um Do you have any hobbies? Shit! That's the worst question possible.
I don't know.
No, no, no, it's good.
I saw on your card that you're a writer.
I scribble.
You probably got that from me.
- Really? You like to write? - Yes, I used to pen a lot of the letters for Penthouse Forum.
It was a great side gig with the insurance fraud, but then the Internet came in and destroyed literary pornography.
God damn ii! My other dad had those hidden in his closet.
I must have read your work.
A lot of people have.
- Wow.
- Listen, I want you to have something to remember me by.
No, no, no, it's a gift.
I don't want to cross state lines with it.
Oh.
Thank you, but does this firearm have the correct paperwork? Jesus, I thought you were a private dick, not a Canadian Mountie.
- You're right.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
Business is closed.
Beat it, kid.
- What if I don't want to beat it? - It's okay, guys.
It's okay.
He was just looking for a Montreal Expos cap.
I guess you're out of luck, Mountie.
Why you packing up, old man? Skipping out on us? Of course not.
I'm just taking some clothes over to the Salvation Army.
Bullshit.
Come on, let's go.
Jerry wants to talk to you.
Come on.
I don't like games.
So you were trying to give me the slip? I knew you were a liar, but I didn't think you were stupid.
I'm a complex person.
So where's my complex 10 grand? Listen, I got a good tip about this new pitcher.
You raise the mound a few inches and we put our money on a shutout Our money? I want my money.
I'm gonna have to erase you, Harry.
Pop him here? Sure, we gotta dig up center field anyway.
You, drop the gun! You two, hands up.
And don't test me.
I've been going to the gun range once a week.
- It's that little kid from the hat store.
- Little? - I should have told you it does that.
- Get him! - You gave me a broken gun? - Well, it works if you don't swing it around.
Who is this punk? He's my son, Johnny.
Hey, you can never say your old man didn't bring you to a ballpark.
Shit.
Now we got to bury two bodies.
- What? - Jerry, that's not necessary.
You'll get your money.
Just don't touch the kid.
Suddenly you're flush? Okay, Phillie, you go with asshole and get the cash and we'll keep the kid.
Where I'm going, I have to go alone.
It's an old friend of the syndicate and if I show up with a hard boy, I won't get in the front door.
So that's the deal.
You keep Johnny.
He's your insurance.
Okay.
If you're not back in 90 minutes, he's going to be playing center field, permanently.
But I'm a lousy baseball player.
It's not my best sport.
Shut up! I'm ready to kill this kid right now.
- You going to get my money? - Yeah, you'll get it.
Don't worry, Son.
Dad? This is the bulk of the work I produced in the past year.
Sorry there's not more, but I've had a rough time.
Any questions? Yes? What are X-Acto Man and the Emasculator doing to Super Ray in that drawing? Oh, they're attacking his spine.
I had back spasms and I healed them with my own mind.
Yes, in the back.
Can you cure my sore throat with your mind? I don't do other people's bodies.
Next? Yes.
Why aren't there any drawings of the girl that Super Ray loves? I worship her.
She's my screen saver.
She left Super Ray.
And even though his heart is encased in Adamantium fat, like Wolverine, he was destroyed.
Is your work autobiographical? Did a girl leave you? - Yes and yes.
- I'm sorry.
But we all love you.
Really? Thank you.
I guess that's it for the questions.
I'll just lake some more compliments now.
You're running out of time.
Where's the old man? I hope he loves you.
He does.
He'll be back soon.
Maybe we should give him a call, let him hear you scream a little.
Or we could call him and I'll use my normal non-screaming voice.
That was just one thought.
Let's keep brainstorming.
There are no bad ideas.
- Call.
- But just to be clear, - we're going with your screaming concept? - Call! Hi, Dad.
It's Jonathan.
Um.
Mmm-hmm.
No.
Of course I'm still at Wonders Stadium.
Just seeing how things are coming along Ow! I thought we were going with normal speaking voice! If you don't get back here soon, these guys are definitely gonna kill me, like they said.
So hurry up.
What? Oh, my God.
- I'll be there.
- Okay, I have to go.
Bye.
Love you.
Sal, I need help.
Yes, that's a good idea, but let's put it in a to-go cup.
There you go.
- Look, Grandma.
- Oh, yeah, it's lovely, yes.
Excuse me.
Hold on.
- This one is for you.
- Oh.
Why don't you call me sometime? Oh.
Oh.
You're really very forward.
Oh, you make it easy.
Oh Oh.
- How are you doing? - Hi.
Were you always a god? Yes Oh, God, now what? George, this better be good.
- I'm being told how great I am by my fans.
- Sorry, but Jonathan is at Brooklyn Wonders Stadium and he's in trouble.
He needs us.
Can you meet me there? Shit, again? All right, I'll be there.
Super Ray is needed.
I always knew your powers were real.
I have to get to Wonders Stadium to save a disturbed friend.
Do you know the best subway? Do you need a car'? We could take the Ray Mobile.
There's a Ray Mobile? Oh, Ray, thank God.
- Who are these people? - The League of Rays.
Or the Ray-vengers.
The name's still under discussion.
- The Rays of Hope.
- Please stop saying that.
- The Ray-Team.
- We'll discuss it at the meeting! Hey, guys, I'm stuck.
- Oh, come on.
- Well! Good thinking, you know? We need all the reinforcements we can get.
I brought Sal, but he kind of pooped out.
The car makes him sleepy.
Has your dad always been such a chiseler? For as long as I've known him.
- Do you have a son? - No, three daughters, all of them tarts.
That's right.
Shut the fuck up! - He said he was in the stadium.
- He could be anywhere.
You think we're gonna get into trouble for breaking into this place? Do not be negative on a super mission.
- It's okay, man.
- That's right.
In a ridiculous situation, it's important to think positively.
All right, I have a plan.
Now we need to flush them out.
Are the League of Rays ready to be heroes? Hell' yeah! - Cooked and loaded.
- Okay.
Five more minutes, kid.
- Then we shoot you in the head.
- Do you have to be so explicit? Let Jonathan Ames go.
Who the fuck is that? Come on.
I don't like this.
What the hell? - Who the fuck are these guys? - They're Super Rays.
Villains, release Jonathan Ames, or you will feel the wrath of Super Ray and his minions.
Who's in the booth? Maybe minions isn't the right word.
Followers or sycophants? Super Super fans! Maybe "minions" was the best, actually.
Screw this.
Charge! They have guns! They have guns.
Oh! Run, Rays, run! Ray down! Okay, come on, come on! Help me! Good one! Good one, yes! I'm coming, Ray! Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
- Take cover! - Get down.
Serpentine, Jonathan, serpentine! Stop shooting, you'll hurt him.
- Stop shooting.
- Get the little bastard.
Slide like Jackie Robinson.
- Fuck.
- Yes! Oh, God! Oh, God.
No, no, no, no, no! Make a move and it'll be your last.
We did ii.
We did ii! - Bye! - Bye! See you guys next week at the meeting.
- I love your new friends.
- Yeah, they're good people.
Thank you guys for saving my life.
Again.
Of course, Jonathan.
I'm just sorry your father abandoned you.
It's all right.
I knew you guys would come for me.
Shit, is Sal dead? He shouldn't be.
I left a window open.
Sal, wake up.
Come on, wake up.
Daddy, I thought you said there wasn't going to be any alcohol.
Oh, no, I meant no alcohol for you.
- Oh, God - Oh, no, sweetheart, I can't give a father's wedding toast without champagne.
And, look, look, I've got Martinelli's for you and Bernard.
Right? Wasn't that thoughtful? Okay, fine.
- Go sit, go on.
- Okay.
Excuse me, everybody.
I'd like to say a few words.
What I have learned in my 63 years is that we all walk this razor's edge of feeling like our lives are both meaningful and meaningless.
This can lead to depression, confusion and melancholy.
Oh, no.
He's making this about himself.
And all the gurus tell us that we We should live in the now.
But I always feel like I'm one second behind my own life, never fully present.
Hmm? So I say to you, Emily Let yourself be loved, which is one of the hardest things to learn in life.
But you are so worthy of being cherished, and I love you with all my being.
To Emily and Bernard! - Yes! - Cheers.
- Congratulations.
- Cheers' - Thank you very much.
- Thank you so much for coming.
Did you tell her yet? Well, we all have our thing.
Rose? Mmm? There's something, um What? Never mind.