Brickleberry s03e08 Episode Script

Thanks for helping me with spring cleaning, Malloy.
This is a weird comic book.
"Klan Man?" Oh, Klan Man.
Across the air, across the sea, and a cross on your lawn.
[chuckles.]
Oh, you should've seen Lynch lady.
Ooh, she was a real piece of ass.
Whoa.
Look at all this cool stuff you can buy.
X-ray glasses, spy pens, sea monkeys, and a real rocket ship for only two bucks? [chuckles.]
Oh, Malloy.
It's all Novelty Bullshit to trick little kids.
None of that crap ever worked.
This is America.
They couldn't advertise something if it wasn't true.
[keypad beeping.]
[telephone rings.]
Aah! Novelty Bullshit.
Lou, we got an order! [title music.]
Aah! Brickleberry 3x08 - Steve the Fearless Pilot Morning, rangers.
For today's bonding exercise, I want each of you to finish this sentence - Connie is so ugly - Her mirror went blind! Lena Dunham thinks she looks gross naked.
My dildo went limp.
[sighs.]
I hate these exercises.
It's called "team building," Connie.
As you know, this weekend Brickleberry is hosting a regatta for super-rich yacht owners.
It's my chance to suck golden b-hole for a few days and get invited to their fancy villas.
Your job is to make sure these rich people don't see any disgusting poor people in the park.
- How do we get rid of the poor people? - God used Katrina.
There's too many poor people in this park to hide.
They tube down the river every weekend.
That's why you and Connie are gonna dam it up with these.
Got 'em for a steal on Libyan Storage Wars.
I don't know, Woody.
Those look radioactive.
But if it wasn't for radiation, you'd still be Bruce Banner.
Steve, Ethel, take the helicopter and remove all the white-trash trailers from the park.
I can't go in the helicopter! - What?! Why the hell not?! - It's scary.
Scarier than this? I can kill a man in seven different ways with this finger.
Okay! I'll go in the chopper! Just don't finger me! I loved that episode of Airwolf.
So how exactly is a helicopter going to get the trailers out? Woody bought this giant Wile E.
Coyote magnet.
Here you go.
Oh, try not to faint when we're airborne.
You want me to fly this thing? Why can't you? Two reasons one, I lost my license for flying drunk, and, two, I'm drunk.
[gasping.]
[hyperventilating.]
- I can't! - [laughs.]
What a pussy.
There's no way I can fly again after what happened last time.
Mayday! Mayday! I don't want to die! [bell dings.]
Did you just throw up in there, mister? No, I didn't just throw up.
I also shit myself.
Ugh.
Why ain't we moving? So last night when my girl said she wanted to slip into something more comfortable, I didn't know she meant a coma.
[laughing.]
Hey, what's wrong with you? That's funny.
I mean, it's sad, too, 'cause she died.
I'm sick of being called ugly, Denzel.
There's only so much a girl can take.
One day I'm gonna snap, and when I do Calm down.
At least I appreciate you.
- Really? - Sure.
Ugly people like you exist to make people appreciate handsome people like me.
I've had enough of this! Both: Aah! Both: Aah! [water splashes.]
[inhales deeply.]
Hah.
- Aah! What are you doing? - I was saving your life.
Next time let me die! Where the hell are we? Looks like a deserted island.
Damn, it's just like my dream, only you ain't Cloris Leachman with a hot wing for a clitoris.
I'm scared, Denzel.
What if no one ever finds us here? I'll die a virgin! Unless Yeah, I'm gonna be real sad at your virgin funeral.
[tribal music.]
[engine revving.]
Hey, what the hell you doing to my house? Woody wants all you poor people gone, so I was trying to tow your trailer.
This is a mobile home.
It ain't designed to be moved.
Wouldn't a helicopter and a Wile E.
Coyote magnet work better? Yes.
Yes, it would, but I'm too afraid to fly.
You know, me and Bobby used to have anxiety issues too.
[sniffles.]
Really? Yep.
I had claustrophobia, agoraphobia, - and a constant fear of mortality.
- And I used to [bleep.]
goats.
Then we saw a hypnotist in Chinatown who cured us.
Now I'm a well-adjusted, perfectly normal sheep [bleep.]
er.
That's my favorite Randy Travis song.
Yes, me Mr.
Chen.
What I do for you? I want you to hypnotize me.
Also, I have a stain I can't get out.
How you get this much "chocorate" on your pants? Helicopter accident.
That's why I'm here.
I need you to make me a fearless pilot.
Okay.
I give you two for one pants and trance combo.
To be honest, I doubt a strong mind like this can even be hypnoti [snaps fingers.]
This ancient Chinese symbol of courage.
As "rong" as you wear it around your neck, you will be a brave "pirot," a "fearress pirot"! [snaps fingers.]
- Argh! I'm a fearless pirate! - No! Not pirate! "Pirot"! Denzel, just so you know, if you die suddenly, I'm going to eat you.
Oh, my god! Connie, look at this! Please be a fatburger.
Please be a fatburger.
Oh, my [gasps.]
- Hello, ladies.
- What a magnificent creature.
It is nice, isn't it? Not you, rat face! The red-haired goddess.
You blind, right? Welcome to Lesbo Island, beautiful one.
How can we serve you? This can't be real.
I must be dreaming.
Somebody pinch me.
When I said "pinch," I meant finger-blast till I squirt all over your breasts.
Oh, the escort service cut me off 'cause they claim I'm a "dead-eyed weirdo.
" [chuckles.]
[flatly.]
Whatever that means.
So you're gonna be my date to the welcoming party tomorrow.
I want you to wear your sluttiest dress - and act like you want to bone me.
- Ew, gross.
Would you rather have to eat cat food? 'Cause you'll be unemployed! Avast, ye scoundrel.
Unhand that lass! What the [bleep.]
? Is it gay pride day already? - Steve? - Captain Steve, me buxom beauty the bravest pirate in all the seven seas! - Oh, cut the shit, Steve.
- Take heed, commander For me intention be to plunder yer land, looking for booty of the flesh or coin.
- [gasps.]
Oh, my.
- I mean it, Steve! I don't have time for this happy horseshit! Stop it! Watch ye mouth, landlubber, or pay with ye life! Don't make me pull out the kill finger! Aah! My kill finger you killed it! Damn it! Slippery piece of gah! Gah! I'll be back for a better look later.
I'm wetter than Rebel Wilson at an airport cinnabon.
Where is it? Where is it? Shit, why are there so many severed fingers under my desk? Mark me words ye will rue the day ye crossed swords with Captain Steve! - This be war.
- Stop talking in ebonics! Ooh, I'm gonna get you for this, Steve! God damn it! Aah! These x-ray glasses work! No, they don't.
I'm naked.
Where the hell are Denzel and Connie? They should be here.
Connie's coming? - Not worth the risk.
- And that goddamn Steve good thing he didn't get my favorite finger.
Jesus Christ! What the [bleep.]
is his problem? He thinks he's a pirate 'cause he went to Bobby Possumcods' hypnotist.
Well, I got to find this hypnotist and get him to snap Steve out of it before he screws up my regatta.
The guy's somewhere in Chinatown.
- What's his name? - I don't know.
But I'll draw you a picture.
Hey, this you? You must be worshipped where you come from.
You're beautiful from head to toe to camel toe.
Thanks.
I can pick up a pencil with it.
- Want to see? - Nope, that's okay! Shut up, ugly man! You're not welcome here.
Beautiful one, I know we're all so plain next to you, but do any of us appeal to you - sexually? - Are you kidding me? I'd give my left lip to do any of you! - Pick me! - No, me! No, me! I can lick the bark off a tree! Stop! To keep the peace, she will choose just one of us to sleep with.
Hey, Connie, I think my cell phone's working! Ooh, let me see it.
[grunts.]
[chomps.]
Oops.
I had to hire security guards to keep Captain Asshole Steve out of here.
Well, I think he's charming.
Plus, it was pretty hilarious when he cut off your fingers, which aren't looking so good.
These are my fingers, Ethel, and I'm not giving up on them! They are gonna take root! As head of the yachting association, I have to say, if the regatta comes out nearly as well as this party, I want you to join us next year in Australia.
Great.
I can't wait to try one of those [Australian accent.]
bloomin' onions.
Splendid.
And who is this lovely creature? [normal voice.]
Oh, my date.
She wants to bone me.
Yeah.
Dead-eyed fatties turn me on so hard.
- See? I told you.
- Well, if she were my date, I couldn't keep my hands off her.
Oh, yeah? Well, go ahead.
Give them sweater stretchers a squeeze.
- She don't care.
- I do care! Well, as long as she doesn't care Hands off her, ye mangy bilge rat! God damn it, it's Pirate Steve! - Are ye okay, lass? - I am now.
This pirate is a cockblocker.
A lady is to be pleased, not squeezed, sir.
The cost of that lesson be yer gold piece.
Till we meet again.
Mwah.
Hiya! Hee-ha! Hee-ha! Hiya! Hee-ha! Hee-ha! Hiya! Hee! How the hell does he do that? Hear this, me hearties! I need a crew.
The tyrant Woody and his scourge of entitled imperialists are endeavoring to rid this fair land of its poor, so it be our duty to rid them of their fineries! - What'd he say? - He said we must prey upon the golden galleons of the oppressor, Bobby.
Oh, okay.
Do we get to rape? Alas, pirates don't rape anymore.
- Aw.
- Oh, man.
Except for the last Pirates of the Caribbean, which raped the eyes of the audience.
Well, at least we get to pillage! Aye.
Are ye with me? - Yeah! - Hell, yeah! Hobo Larry raped a warm can of beans once.
Yep, I was porkin' beans.
- Yeah! Yeah! - Pirates, yeah! [all cheering.]
Aah! Jim, you goddamn son of a bitch! Where are you mother[bleep.]
taking me? Jim! - For ye, me lovely.
- Oh, Captain Steve, it's beautiful.
- Hey, that's my diamond necklace! - Ye son of a bitch! If anyone asks who just robbed ye, tell 'em Captain Steve.
And don't take it personal that we didn't rape y'all.
We're trying to cut back.
You're amazing! Wait.
Hmm.
Only a one-inch thigh gap.
- Next! - Damn, Connie, why you being so picky? I only have one hymen, Denzel.
Well, we're running out of girls, so you better hurry up and choose a cooz.
Don't worry.
I'll know when the right one comes along.
All right.
Next we have Alexa.
[sultry music.]
Connie, are you okay? [moans.]
Lift your loincloth, please.
It's perfect.
Like a rose made of prosciutto.
Malloy, those rich pole smokers are crawling up my ass about Steve and his thieving band of salty shit-dogs.
I got to get him and his stupid ship out of here! Why don't we blow it up with this Polaris nuclear sub? It fires real torpedoes, and it's only $6.
98! It's made of [bleep.]
cardboard, Malloy! [distant explosion.]
What the hell was that? Holy shit.
Whoo! [laughter.]
You blew up my house, you crazy son of a bitch! Please accept this as my apology.
Uh-oh.
Aah! Oh, god.
What am I gonna do? [knock at door.]
[gong sounds.]
We here for reward.
- Are any of you a hypnotist? - No.
- No, not me.
- No, no, no.
I sell mogwais.
Get the hell out of here! What am I supposed to do with a Chinese army? Oh, holy Shanghai, that's it! If Steve wants to play pirate, we'll play pirate.
Pirate? We can't fly a "prane.
" So you even hear with an accent? Mmm.
Alexa.
Mmm.
Prosciutto.
Connie, wake up! It's me! I'm gonna sneak down to the beach while everyone's asleep - and build a raft to escape.
- You're leaving? Why? There's something weird going on here.
- I think we might be in danger.
- You're just jealous because now I'm beautiful and you're the ugly one.
Look, whatever! I'm out of here! Fine! Wait, Denzel.
Can you give this to Alexa for me? I've taken up whittling.
Hey, you're a man! What's a man doin yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum let's swing by the zoo, I need to get some [laughter.]
I love being a pirate! I can finally wipe myself! Can somebody drive me to the hospital? [laughter.]
Everybody grab a ginsu.
What the ? [grunting.]
Uh, anybody want some beans? [laughs.]
Looking for someone? Hey, dumbass, nice ambush.
We outnumber you three to one.
Aah! [thud.]
Then I'd say the odds are squarely in our favor.
Right, mateys? Mwah.
[all shouting.]
Now it's just ye and me.
Get him, Captain Steve! - Now walk the plank, fatscallion.
- Good-bye, cruel world! [bones crack.]
Ow! I broke my goddamn ankles! And now for me reward.
[burbling.]
You're so brave, Captain Steve.
You should come by my cabin later.
[chuckles.]
Looks like I found a chink in his armor.
- Hey, what the hell? - Figure of speech don't get offended.
[groaning.]
Blimey! Aah! [harp music.]
One free fluff and fold? Oh! [grunts.]
Where am I? Why am I upside down? Captain Steve, your pirate ass is about to be [bleep.]
in the bunghole.
So this is what you freaks do when I'm not around? You built a sex dungeon under your cabin? Well, it's a lot more practical than a basement.
And if I ever need a regular dungeon, I just take out the dildos.
But why are you locking me up? Because I need this regatta to go well, and I can't have Captain Steve running around - like a crazy [bleep.]
pirate! - I was a pirate? Get in there.
Hilda, it's your lucky day.
You're free to go.
I can really go, just like that after 12 years? Hilda, don't let this experience define you.
You're just in time to enter the wonderful world of amazing sea monkeys.
That's it? It doesn't look anything like the box.
- Malloy, I-I tried to tell you.
- You know what the worst part is? That you were actually right about something for once.
This stuff is bullshit.
[toilet flushes.]
And now, my wealthy friends with vacation homes in places I would like to visit, the moment we've been waiting for the Brickleberry regatta! On your mark, get set [gunshot.]
[regal music.]
[roaring.]
- What the hell? - Holy shit! It does look like the box! I told you this stuff works! [roaring.]
Face it, Woody there's only one hero brave enough to fight this monster.
- Klan Man? - Captain Steve! Please! Y'all can't do this to Connie! [tribal music.]
Are you ready to mate with your chosen one? What do you think? I'm leaving a snail trail.
Aah! Oh, my god.
Are you ready for me, Connie? - Uh-huh.
- Come here.
[sultry music.]
[moans.]
- I can't.
- What?! Why not? Because All: You're so ugly! That's right, Connie.
This is "You're so ugly!" The reality show that humiliates unattractive people! - But - We were going to punk some other beast, but then you washed up onshore, and we couldn't believe our luck.
You mean I'm not having sex with Alexa? [laughter.]
Oh, come on, did you really think someone like you could get someone like her? Sorry, Connie.
I couldn't stop these sick bastards.
"Sick"? Hey, we're just giving America what it wants.
Nothing gets ratings like degrading people, especially a hideous, trout-faced monster like Connie.
Am I right, ladies? All: Yeah! Oh.
[roaring.]
- There it is! - Holy shit! - What is that? - It's the sea monster! You said "sea monkey.
" I was planning to overfeed it to death.
- I can't fight that thing.
- Sure you can.
You're Captain Steve, the fearless pirate.
[people scream.]
Ethel, the truth is, I was only fearless because a hypnotist put a medallion around my neck.
Without that, I'm nothing.
No, Steve, the medallion didn't do brave things.
You did.
Now it's time to believe in yoursel Aah! Help, Steve! Help! Aah! Raaah! You're in no danger! [splat.]
This is all part of the entertainment! [splat.]
Great special effects, huh? [roaring.]
Shi-i-i-it! [screams.]
Help! [helicopter blades whirring.]
Steve, I knew you were brave.
[crying.]
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die! [roars.]
[war cry.]
[roars.]
Ah, bad idea! Yes! I got to order more of these! Ahh! Hey, Captain Steve! What's up? Men, you're alive! I'm gonna get you out of here.
- No, we like it here.
- What? In the last two minutes, we formed our own little utopian society.
It's like the 4-H club with less [bleep.]
! Guys, if we don't get out, the stomach acid will eat through our skin.
Well, that explains the skeleton foot.
I've got it! Everybody get on the cannon.
Aye, aye, captain.
Oh! [all screaming.]
[growls.]
Steve, that was so brave! I can't believe you survived.
Oh, my god, you're right.
I almost died! [crying hysterically.]
[retches.]
At least we can have sex now.
[coughs.]
I'm sorry I ever called you ugly, Connie.
That's okay.
At least you tried to look out for me.
- Hey, do you think I overreacted? - No.
[flies buzzing.]
Poor Jim didn't make it out alive.
[gurgling, flatulence.]
Again! Again! That's better than [bleep.]
six flags! Screw those rich bastards.
If we can't keep the poor out, let 'em pour in.
Argh! Step right up, ye poor people! Ride the Sunken Monkey! [flatulence.]