Broad City (2014) s03e08 Episode Script

1 I still can't believe you have to take a drug test.
I know.
The man gets off sniffing America's piss these days.
You know that my pee probably won't pass a drug test either? I know, but at least it's, like, human level.
It's less embarrassing.
- Right.
- God, I have such swamp ass.
Dude, thongs are the best.
It eliminates an entire layer.
Plus, it soaks up all the sweat in your butt crack.
I still cannot believe you are such a thong head.
It's not for me.
It's butt floss.
Thank you so much.
Love this look.
I love this look.
(together) God, we're hot.
God, my butt itches.
Yeah, man titties.
(splashing) (sighing) Abbi? Can I, uh, buy you an ice coffee real quick? Four and three and two and one, one Oh, that's amazing.
Oh.
I hope you're not talking about the kegels.
I was not.
Oh, um, hey, Ab.
Would you maybe want to get, uh, um, dinner if you're free later? You mean like a date? Well, yeah.
My treat.
Um, I don't know if that's, like, our thing, right? Well, yeah.
But, you know how when we have sex you tell me not to talk so you can concentrate, which I-I totally get.
I get it, but Um, I just thought, you know, if might be nice if we have an actual conversation.
Um, yeah.
Okay I don't have dinner plans yet.
No I don't I mean don't have dinner plans yet, right? Is that what you just asked me? To do dinner? Awesome sauce.
- Okay.
- Oh, you don't have to.
Um, I, uh, I actually finished when you said yes.
Aww.
I definitely didn't though.
(sighing) Oh, Madonna.
Rihanna.
Ilana.
(laughing) Madonna, Rihanna, Ilana.
- Hey, Bonita! - Hey.
Hey, what are you doing? Come on.
Hi, baby.
Do you want a peach, baby? Do you like a peach? Yeah.
You have got to be kidding me.
We have been doing business for how long? I mean ah! (phone vibrating) Hello.
(Bobbi) There's been a terrible accident.
Oh my God.
Not us, on the LIE.
Tractor-trailer, overturned.
Bloody, bloody oh, it's so sad.
You buried the lead.
Don't do that.
(Arthur) 1010 WINS says we're gonna be an hour late, but Google Map says 20, so who knows I don't trust Google Maps.
It's the cops tracking us.
Steering us away from their own corruption.
Wag the dog, Ilana.
Wag.
The.
Dog.
Well, happy anniversary, guys.
- Aww, thank you, sweetheart.
- Love, love, love you.
I'm so excited to see you later.
Love you, bye.
We can do this.
Somebody'll get up.
- We got this.
- Just wait it out.
- Okay.
- Oh, (bleep).
- Hey! - No! I saw you see us see you! (both) (bleep) you.
- So angry.
- Yeah.
Inappropriate.
Oh, here's one.
Oh, it only has one chair.
Okay, we can do this.
Alright, oh, I'll grab a chair.
He's just using it a foot rest.
Hi, can I grab this? Oh, sorry.
I'm using it.
Oh, totally, but we're actually two people.
We just wanna both sit.
No, no.
I'm-I'm using the chair.
I mean we all wish we could have ottomans in the park Are you deaf? Like, I'm using the chair.
- Okay, I'm gonna take the chair.
- I said No 'cause you're, like, being a dick.
I'm gonna take the chair.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I'm just gonna No, don't touch Don't touch it.
- No, I'm not - Leave it.
- No, alright, I - You know what? - You can take the chair.
Take the chair.
- I can't I'm not taking the chair.
- You own this chair.
- Please, please take the chair.
- No, no, okay, I just sorry.
- Don't touch me.
- Don't touch me.
- Okay, I would not.
- I would not.
- Take the chair - I'm not gonna take it.
- And go Bye.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Bye.
Thank you.
I just straight up asked that couple over there.
They're so sweet.
Hi.
Cuties thanks.
Man, I feel like I haven't seen you in "lit-roll" days.
God, you're glowing.
Your skin is glowing.
- Really? - Yeah.
What have you been doing? Just been busy with Trey Ning.
Training with Trey.
Y'know? He's just been on me.
So annoying.
Get him off.
I would not get him off! What? You trippin', boo.
I don't wanna Ta I don't think we should talk about it anymore.
We should talk about positive stuff like your parents, dude.
- Your parents.
- I know.
35 years! That is impressive.
Oh my God, I didn't even ask you.
You can totally come to their anniversary dinner tonight.
- We would love to have you.
- No, it's cool.
- It's a family thing.
- Girl, you're family.
You know, unless you have plans.
I-I-I uh, I do actually have plans.
Cool, whatcha doin'? Yeah.
What are your plans tonight? I am Training Shania Twain.
(laughing ecstatically) Are you kidding me? - No.
- That is hysterical.
That is your go to lie.
I know, but not now.
Oh my God.
That does impress-ah me much.
Don't keep it from me.
- I wouldn't.
- Don't keep anything from me.
- I wouldn't.
- You know, it could kill me.
- Right.
- It kills me! To feel any distance here.
- That's all.
- Totally.
I would not do that.
- Love ya.
- I love you, too.
Wow.
(sighing) Is that Lincoln? Oh, my gee, Lincoln.
Come here.
What are you doin'? Hey.
What's up? 'Sup, Ab? I was waiting for you guys to finish so we could talk privately.
Oh.
Me? I have to go.
Later, Lincoln.
Later, Ab.
Hello.
(sighing) Watching that ass walk away makes me sweat, too.
(chuckles) No, I I need to talk about something.
Some stuff was at my place that I need to return to you.
Why are you giving the (bleep) ring back to me? That's what I needed to talk with you about.
I've been seein' that girl, as you know.
And have encouraged.
And it's gotten to the point where I need to talk to you about it.
"Final-lee," some juicy, (bleep) details.
- I want the play by play.
- No, no, no.
- Frame by frame.
- No.
I wanna be monogamous.
I'm sorry, we've talked about this so many times, I just - It's just not for me.
- No, with the other girl.
Our arrangement is perfect for me, just as it is.
We wanna be monogamous with each other.
No we don't.
You're not listening even.
We haven't had a threesome with a boy yet.
I'm talking about Steph.
She's my girlfriend now, Ilana.
We're together.
Uh okay.
- Cool.
- Listen, Ilana.
I love you, but, I wanna be in a relationship and you wanna do other stuff, which is fine.
That's cool, but we want different things, so, I gotta move on.
But we can still hang out as friends.
Obviously.
I don't think we're just friends.
So No.
Well, uh, we will talk when we talk and I'll see you when I see you in a more professional capacity from here on out, uh, - which is great.
- Ilana, you good? You wanna - Yep, great.
- Hang out for a little bit Oh, no, I'm gonna head out, 'cause this is just cool and how life goes.
So, that's it.
I'll see you.
That's see ya.
Lincoln, wait.
(blows raspberry) (chuckles) (laughs) She's still running.
Her running is a metaphor.
Whoa, Ab.
What's up with that outfit? It's confused.
(sighs) I'm going on a date.
All right, girl.
Just the deets.
I know the person? Anybody I know? Who is it? Okay.
Yeah, you know.
You know him.
(excited gasping) Who? Who? - Who, who, who, who, who? - I'm, like, embarrassed about it.
I'm not I'm not embarrassed about it, but I've been in denial about it.
- Like I haven't even told Ilana.
- Ooh.
Am I at the farmer's market 'cause this is so juicy.
- Okay.
- It's a peach.
The white peaches at the farmer's market.
Okay.
Uh it's Trey.
- My Trey? - Well Why would you be embarrassed? I mean, I'm obviously straight, but I would absolutely suck him dry.
- Okay.
Thanks so much, Bevers.
- No, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll be good.
So what are we trying to say with this outfit? I don't know.
I just need the look to say that I want to be sex friends only.
All right, got it.
Let's figure something out that's gonna let you maintain that status quo.
- Okay.
- Before we get started Will you give me some dick deets? (sighs) (snaps fingers) Knee caps, baby.
Those thighs could crack a coconut.
Make me a "Vaginia-colada" (sucking) (barking) - Yes! - (Bobbi) Is this what you do? I love this.
(imitating a siren) Oh, mommy, I would sip Dem milkbags like a Capri Sun.
You Betty me "Veron-ing" ya.
Yowza, baby.
(Bobbi) All right, now you're going too far.
Oh, here we go.
Strong back muscles.
Butt clenched I like 'em nervous.
I'd wrap my thighs around that big basketball head.
- Yeah? - Ew, what the (bleep).
- Oh, Ilana.
That's your brother.
- That was bad.
- No, I'm really excited, thank you so much.
- That was so bad.
- That sucked.
- Yeah, it really was not a good place to go.
Oh my God, guys.
I have some big news.
Oh, I have big news, too.
You know your sister was just talking about you sexually.
- Ew, what? - I didn't know.
Sorry, but CrossFit is shredding you.
Please.
Incest would destroy our already weak bloodlines.
Anxiety, depression, enough.
- Let's go kids.
- Okay.
Oh.
Guess I'll save it.
Mask up.
The empire waist is reading very Mormon.
You're beggin' to have his babies.
Let's move on.
- Ugh Next! - What? Don't waste my time.
Mask up.
(sighs) Mainline skirt is a flattering silhouette for your hourglass figure, but - it's reading a little too sexy.
- Really? I mean, we could let the seam out an inch or two, make it a little less form fitting, but those legs, I mean, you just got those slut legs sticking out.
How the (bleep) do you know this much about fashion.
You know, I worked every summer at my Grandma's department store in St.
Louis.
Lord and Bevers.
Oh.
Um, 'Kay, mask down.
Mask up.
I don't know why I didn't try it on first.
(phone vibrating) (sighing) Okay.
Hi.
I am meeting a Mr.
Trey - Oh, Mr.
Pucker.
- Yeah.
He arrived about a half an hour ago.
- Am I late? - No.
- He was just very early.
Follow me.
- Okay.
Half an hour.
- Abbi.
- Hey, Trey.
Hey, you look awesome.
- Thanks, wow.
Thank you.
- Here you go.
- Fancy.
- How about this table, huh? - Oh, it's a great table.
- Check out the menu.
It's so tight.
I even moved my cheat day in case you wanna split stuff, share aps, whatever you wanna do.
I moved my cheat day, too.
- So we can eat whatever we want.
- Great.
Hi, what would you like? - Hey, I-I know.
- II could Um Okay.
Okay, I'm gonna do the pan roasted turbot with fennel pollen aioli, prosciutto, borlotti beans, parsnips, turnips and carrots.
- So the Turbot.
Yeah.
- Uh, I'm gonna do the chicken.
- Alright, very good.
- Great.
- Cool.
- Thanks.
(clears throat) Well Okay.
To new beginnings.
Yeah But also, to how it is.
Now.
- Presently.
- Yes.
- You know? Do you understand? - Yeah.
- To the present.
To the present.
- To right now yeah.
- Let's cheers.
- Awesome.
Awesome.
That's good You know what? I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
- I'll be right back.
- Alright, yeah.
Make room.
Hey, do you know where the bathroom is? Uh, there's one right over there and then there's one down the stairs.
Great, thanks.
Oh, (bleep).
(bleep) me.
So what's that plant called? That plant.
- Sansevieria.
- "Senseverion.
" - No, no.
- (Bobbi) I caught you.
Oh, my sweet girl, you surprised me on my anniversary.
Surprise Look who I found tip toeing around trying to surprise us.
- Can you believe this little sneak.
- I'm-I'm sneakin'.
- Sit, sit.
- Ab, have yourself a lei.
Bob and I are going to Hawaii.
- Thank you.
- I surprised her.
(Arthur) At first, she was mad and then she was glad.
Just because now I need all new sarongs, but, you know what, It's fine.
It's fine.
I'm happy to go.
(kissing rapidly) You pretty little liar.
Shania my ass.
I'm not mad, though, because you surprised my family.
I love this.
I love this! Everyone is happy and nothing has changed.
I am very vulnerable right now, so I'm gonna need to fill you in later when I'm not around (whistling) - Cannot handle her questions.
- Okay.
(Bobbi) I guess we're just gonna have to toast to honesty then, huh? Could we get lychee martinis for the whole table.
Alright, are we ready to order? - (Bobbi) Yeah, Arthur, you go first.
- Okay, well, I'm I'm gonna have the duck.
With extra breast.
Wasn't that that was that was funny.
(waitress) Mmm, all right.
(coughing) I'm gonna have the chicken.
Please.
I love chicken.
(Ilana slurping) (Eliot) Uh, I'm gonna have the baked - portabella mushroom wellington, please.
- (Arthur) Oh, I like that.
(Bobbi) I will have the prawns, but I have to have the curry sauce on the side.
I can't handle that kinda heat.
And - Pork chop, babe.
- Thank you.
So, Abbi, we have incredible news.
- Okay.
- We got the cemetery plot! (Arthur) We had a bidding war, but it was totally worth it, because we're under this beautiful, beautiful tree.
And, also, most of all, we are nowhere near the Schwartz's.
No.
(Bobbi and Arthur laughing) (slurping) Mazel.
Tov.
(sharp inhale) Oh, man.
Oh.
I forgot to I need to pla I need to replace my bandage.
'Cause it's fallen.
It's fallen loose.
It's ba It's gonna be bad if I don't go.
Imma be right back.
Go to the bathroom.
Huh.
Hi, you have the wrong menu.
I'm just gonna take it.
This is great options.
You guys are cute.
- Hey, there you are.
- Hi.
Was gettin' worried you fell in.
I did.
It was a big toilet.
- You did? - No, I didn't fall in.
So, two things.
One, I got you something.
Oh okay.
- It's a - Corsage! Yeah.
You know how you said you didn't go to prom? Well - Yeah.
- It's kind of a joke, but it's also real.
Thank you.
That is so nice.
- Put it on.
- Here? - Yeah.
- Uh, okay.
See, it's funny, but it's also pretty.
You look awesome.
Uh, the other thing: today I found out I qualified for "American Ninja Warrior.
" Shut up! Trey, I (bleep) love that show.
- You do? - Yeah, are you kidding? Congrats, this is amazing.
- You should come with me.
- No Yeah, you could totally stretch me out or something.
Uh, yeah, I am the master stretcher.
(Ilana laughing) Come on.
(grunting) Mmmm.
Mmmm.
Wow.
- We'll start with your legs.
- Great.
And then I could stretch the upper body.
- We can start wherever you want.
- Okay.
(breathing heavily) - Oh, this is so hot.
- Yeah.
My wife's totally pumpin' and dumpin' like 40 feet away.
Really? Well - For real.
- Well, yeah.
What'd you think? Are you guys, like, chill, or, like, open relationship? What, are you retarded? Open relationships are unstable.
Cheating is victimless.
Yeah this is this is done.
I don't even know what I'm doing.
And lose the nipple rings.
(sighs) Where were you, Miss Ilana? I was taking a (bleep) if you have to know.
- Ilana - I have something to say.
You guys must be a really amazing team if you had two perfect children and have stayed together for 35 years.
Wow.
It was quite a (bleep), huh? (Bobbi) Ah, fresh Lychee's.
- (Arthur) Oh great.
- (Bobbi) Let's toast.
- Oh, gosh.
- Where's Abbi? So, these are my twin sisters.
They're my best friends.
- I mean, they got all the brains, honestly.
- Mm-hm, lovely.
It's just genetics, you know? And, uh, they're teachers right now.
They teach middle school.
They pretend to be the same person.
It's genius.
Whoa.
Uh hello.
Doctor? What do you mean, "Test results"? You have them.
(whispering) I have to get this this is important.
- I'm so sorry, it's rude.
- Take it, take the call.
Okay.
I'll be right back.
She's always sick.
(Ilana) There she is.
(Bobbi) Fresh Lychee's, Ab.
Where'd you get the corsage, Ab? I ran into my florist.
"My florist," excuse me, Queen of Sheba.
Okay, back to business.
- Happy anniversary.
- Happy anniversary! Happy anniversary! You guys are just love! (sipping) Oh, Jesus.
My diaphragm I left it Cathy comic.
- I left my diaphragm.
- Diaphragm? Yeah, I've just started using it.
And I gotta go 'cause someone's gonna get it.
(kiss) What kind of florist is this? She's cut off.
Hey.
(clattering) Oh, (bleep).
You okay? - You alright? - Whoo! Okay.
Yeah? Okay.
You're safe.
Cheers.
Happy anniversary, right? I can't believe you remembered.
Remembered.
Four weeks ago was our first kiss.
(sighs) I obviously remember when we kissed first.
(sighs) (inhaling deeply) Yeah.
You know, just gonna (cracking) Ooh.
- Thank you.
- Oh, that's great.
Where's Abbi? I'm starving.
(whispering) Trey.
(sighing) I'm getting emotional right now.
And I don't want you to see me like this.
- Hey, it's okay.
- No, I don't want you to see me like this.
Okay.
I'm gonna go to the coat room or something.
- Okay.
- I'm not feeling We need to think about us.
- Wow.
Okay.
- I'm gonna be right back.
Alright, hey, take as long as you need.
- Okay, I will I'm gonna.
- Okay.
Oh, here she is.
Sorry, there was a long line at the (bleep) factory.
Oh, Abbi.
(laughing) - Okay.
- Eat, Abbi.
(sighing) Well, um, with this rare moment of silence, um, there is something I'd like to share.
Um (gagging and coughing) (Eliot) Mom? (wheezing) (Eliot and Ilana) Mom, are you okay? - Mom, are you okay? - Honey - She's choking! - She's choking help.
(Ilana) She's choking.
She's choking, help! Help, somebody, please help.
Trey, Trey, help! (Abbi and the Wexlers calling out) - Coming! - (Eliot) Please, somebody.
(Arthur) Somebody help! - (Arthur) Somebody! - (Ilana) Does anybody know CPR? (all shouting) Here we go! Work with me.
Hoh! - (Abbi) Oh, my God.
- (Arthur) Jesus.
(Arthur) Are you okay, honey? (Bobbi groaning) Can you breath? (Abbi) Are you okay? Oh, god damn lychee.
Oh, Jesus, that was (bleep) scary.
- (Eliot) Sit down.
- You okay? - Yeah.
- (Eliot) Take it easy.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Thank you.
(sighing) - Trey? - Who the (bleep) is Trey? (gasping) Kirk Steele.
Abbi, how did you know Trey was here? Oh.
We're on a date.
Oh my God.
- This is not - Oh my God.
Oh my God! The condom in your room? (scoffs) The whole time? The whole time? The whole time! I have to go.
I have to leave now.
I have to go.
Ilana, wait.
Okay, show's over.
Uh, guys, I have some big news to share.
- What? - Um, I got a promotion and I'm moving to London.
No you're not.
Sit down and eat your dinner.
Yes.
(sighs) (whining) Madonna, Rihanna, Ilana.
Madonna, Rihanna, Ilana.
- Hey.
- Ilana, I am so sorry.
Dude, I should have told you about Trey.
I don't know, I was like I was embarrassed and, dude he does not mean anything to me.
He is a guilty pleasure.
He's like a joke.
Trey, no, no, wait wait.
I'm not a joke, Abbi.
I thought we were having fun and We were I was having a really good time.
This really sucks, you know.
I'm gonna go.
Wait, hold on.
Trey, I did not mean like joke, like, like that.
Ilana, I'm so sorry.
I will never keep a secret from you again.
I promise.
You're my best friend.
- I-I-I it was just coincidence.
- I know, I know.
- It's not even that.
- I was gonna tell you, I swear.
It's not even that.
That's not even it even though it was really jarring and and I, like, didn't know what was going on and he's so sweet, you know.
And, like, tight body and I'm gonna want full dick deets when I'm done feeling, but, um Lincoln broke up with me.
(sighs) Whatever that means, you know? My God, I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry.
- He met some beautiful queen - A real queen? No, a queen like, like us.
You know, he wants to be monogamous with her and he should.
He deserves whatever he wants.
(crying) And he doesn't even want to be friends.
You know, he never really did.
I just never heard it.
Okay.
It's gonna be okay.
(crying) Okay, now is the time you tell me dick deets.
He's not responding to my texts.
I guess I'm just gonna have to apologize at work.
Okay, what else have I been keeping a secret? I think that I was starting to kinda like Trey.
Like like-like? Like, like-like.
- That (bleep) sucks.
- Yeah.
Um, I'm really attracted to pre-Weight Watchers Jennifer Hudson.
I once keyed this guy's car, uh, - because he called me a dirty Jew.
- I hate that.
So, I keyed a big Star of David right onto his driver-side door.
I got super blazed before babysitting Oliver (sighs) and I took off my bra 'cause I was, like, feeling loose and, like, oppressed and wanted to, like, chill and I left my bra in his room.
(laughing) That was probably a whole thing that you never found out about again, because you couldn't admit it.
(sighing) - You can't admit - No, and then, like - like, who knows? - Right, it wasn't sexual.
- Yeah, but, no offense no offense - But I'm just like That's a bra.
Oh.
(together) That's a bra! (laughing)